Original subtitles

Boo!

No!

No!

It fits.

Hey buddy!

Who's a good boy, Spartacus?

You're a good boy, oh yes you are!

This weekend, a high-pressure front will give us crystal-clear skies, perfect

viewing conditions for tomorrow's meteor shower. All you have to do is look

straight up, and you'll see one of the best meteor showers of the year.

You can see about one meteor per minute, and if you do it right, the more we're

aware of, you will get a better view. You can expect clear skies and all

things.

Careful, Pookie. Never mess with a sleeping dragon.

So that button by your thumb, that starts

inside.

This is so cool.

Hey, Buckaroo.

Chin up.

He just misses me, that's all.

I know, Mom.

I know. It's just... Can't you work some ghost shit on him or something? Turn him

back into the old dad?

Bucky, it's a process.

All Dad needs is a little time.

You have to be patient with him. I tried to show him my footage the other day. Do

you know what he said to me?

He said I should focus more on school and less on make-believe.

Patience, Bucky.

Patience.

Hey, Buckaroo.

Yeah, Ma?

Your shoe's untied.

Oh, no, Mom. I'm not falling for that one again.

Fish! We got a package?

Oh, what is it?

Oh, you scallywag!

I'm gonna get you next time.

Jenkum is a gas produced by fermented human waste.

Attics crack open sewage lines to inhale the powerful hallucinogens.

The effects send users into a dangerous rage.

One woman says, Bigfoot had me hooked after just one sniff.

Okay, man.

I'm telling you, this stuff is real. You know, my dad saw Bigfoot once.

Doth thou confuseth me for a hedgeborn ragabrath?

taketh my flock plucketh my harvest haveth my fortune but my deeds no

my lord you may never attain to my good deeds all earthly things turn to dust

but one's legacy lives on in the halls of eternity

you reeketh of mortality my lord in my

village we have a name for men like you you my lord

Or a fuck-a-doodle.

Cut!

Cut. It looked bitch. You were great. You were really great. I promise.

But this time, I need you to really, like, whack me full force. Otherwise,

it's gonna look fake, okay?

Come on, man. Are you ready?

Okay, listen.

I'm gonna be fine.

Pain is temporary.

See? Fine.

But film?

Film is forever.

Okay?

All right.

Action!

Awesome.

Oh, that was so good, Vish.

Let's do one more just so we have some options in the edit.

What are you talking about?

Imagine you are now a panther.

Panther power.

Strong confidence.

You're up, June. This way, honey.

The snarling werewolf backs you into a corner literally, emotionally,

metaphorically. The situation dies. The suspense agonizes.

But you're the hero. You dig down at the core of your being and scream like a

banshee thrusting the dagger into the beast.

Got it.

Great. Let's roll help.

Oh, uh, you're taping this? Yes, honey, we film every audition.

Don't worry, this day's private.

Okay, everybody?

Let's roll help.

And... action.

Action.

Poor little thing has stage fright.

Cut!

God, if I had to see one more pathetic amateur.

Are you trying to waste my time or you just have no one of actual quality?

This is abysmal.

No offense.

Wait, darling.

Wait up, wait up, wait up, wait up.

Look, honey, I know this audition stuff is scary and he can be an asshole, but

making an actual movie is even worse.

What you need is exposure therapy.

You gotta spend time on a film set.

Take any job. Coffee girl, hair, makeup, Girl Friday, whatever.

Get comfortable in that filmmaking environment.

Then ain't no nerves gonna stop you.

Okay, honey?

You got a face for film. I know these things. All right, we'll catch you next

time.

Oh, come on.

Thank you for submitting Drops of Dew to the fourth annual Oakmont Film Festival.

We had the very difficult task of choosing hundreds of submissions, blah

blah blah blah blah.

Unfortunately, your film was not selected.

Though it had its merits, the story was bogged down by a dry plot, nauseating

monologues, and ostentatious platitudes.

What?! The world just wasn't ready for Drops of Dew.

But did Picasso give up when the critics called him crazy?

I mean, did Van Gogh quit when he couldn't sell a single painting?

Exactly, Vish, and neither will we. So it's onward and upward.

Aha!

Vish, I present our next masterpiece.

It's not just a drama, it's a drama within a drama.

It doesn't have a title, and it could use a few rewrites, but I think it could

be our ticket out of this crappy town.

Oh, a local film festival.

Star Waltz. $2,000 grand prize. Maybe we could make a kick-ass film with that

kind of cash.

This year's annual theme is horror.

All submissions must be in the horror genre.

We're not doing popcorn entertainment, man.

I'm going for longevity. In 500 years, no one's going to remember some B-grade

monster flick. But dramas, those have legs.

I mean, classic cinema, Greek tragedy, Shakespeare.

Those are the kind of things that live on.

Alright, we are gonna need a top-notch actress for this project.

Can you put out an ad for auditions?

Female, late 30s, no, early 40s. Theater experience is preferred, and we have

auditions on Sunday.

Right.

You can say the film pays... 40 bucks?

Plus 5% of the gross, after taxes.

3 p.m., Sunday.

You posted this at both theaters, right?

What about the message board at the corner store?

How about cafes?

Dang.

Well, dang.

You know, it's probably just church traffic. We should give it another hour.

We should have offered more percentage points.

What?

Whoa, don't touch it!

You might have space aids.

Last night I saw a flying object that couldn't have possibly been from this

planet.

There comes a time in each man's life when he can't even believe his own eyes.

Guys, come on, I'm trying to watch this TV. Go to the rest of your magazines.

Oh, the attic.

I feel a breeze.

Why might I feel a breeze, one would ask. I don't know, Walter. Why would you

feel a breeze? I don't know.

Maybe Bucky ate and closed the door.

Gah!

You didn't touch the rock, did you?

Okay.

Fish,

wait!

I got this.

Dad?

It's me.

Your son, Bucky.

You know, Buckster, Buckarino, Buckaroo.

It's me, Dad.

See? He remembers.

Anything?

We need to call the police.

Hello?

Oh crap, the auditions!

Hi, sorry I'm late. The audition's cancelled.

Actually, I'm not here for the audition.

I just want to be an assistant.

I'll brew coffee, butter bagels, whatever.

Here's my resume.

Fine, whatever.

You're hired. Thanks for stopping by.

We'll be in touch. So what kind of movie is this?

Please don't tell me it's some artsy fartsy drama.

Artsy fartsy drama?

Oh, so I suppose you'd prefer if it was some schlocky horror flick. So it is an

artsy fartsy drama.

You know what? On second thought, I don't think you're right for this film.

I need a crew who actually appreciates real art.

Your star has arrived!

I'm sorry, ma'am. The audition's off.

We have to reschedule.

Reschedule? No, I didn't do four hours of hair and makeup to reschedule, okay?

Don't worry.

This will be quick.

Hey, you.

Can you get me a water?

Preferably the bubbly kind.

No, you don't have any, and no, you don't want to get it for me. Speak up!

Uh, ma'am, my friend is mute, and we don't have any bubbly water.

What, did he get dropped on his head as a baby or something?

Okay, we really don't have time right now, so... I'm sorry, what did you say

your name was again?

He didn't. No one asked you, sweet tot.

Anyways, what I was gonna say is, it's just gonna take a few minutes to see my

chops. You got a few minutes for my talents, don't ya? Oh, my... Oh!

You didn't say this was a zombie movie!

Is this my coaster?

Geez, what a honk.

Vivian Vance.

Charmed.

Oh, God!

Whoa, somebody's really into that role.

You know, I always admired method actors. I don't suppose I can get you to

break character and grab a drink with me tonight, aye?

Oh, my God, that is so fun!

I thought this was a drama, but I can do scary movies too.

I've been told I have the best scream in the business.

Do you want to hear it?

It's pretty good, right?

I'm calling the police.

Hello,

operator? Can you get me the police department?

Thanks.

Vish, do you remember that festival you told me about Star Wars?

They added a new prize.

The winner gets an apprenticeship with Hans von Franz on his next film.

Hans von freaking Franz!

You once said, and I quote, life is short, art is long, but Hans von

Franz is forever. What?

What does that mean to you, Hans?

I create movies for audiences of the future.

Why? Because I want my art to live forever.

The legacy of my films is immortal.

Therefore, I, the artist, am also immortal.

Hans von Franz will never die.

We have to win Star Wars.

It's gotta be a horror flick.

Well, if it means breaking into the industry and meeting Hans... No, no, no.

Even if we wanted to be sellouts, I mean, we don't have the budget for a

horror movie. Do you know how much it costs to make a good monster?

My dad in the movie? Are you insane?

Wow!

He's really into his roll.

That's hot.

Hey, Bucky.

Don't you remember what I told you about chicken salad?

Chicken salad?

Hey, boys.

Yeah, I ain't got all day. You want to see these chops or what?

When life gives you chicken shit, you turn it into chicken salad.

That's not how the saying goes. Huh?

Vivian, you've got the roll. Oh, my god!

I got the role.

Get some beauty rest.

She could be star bright and early tomorrow.

Festival submissions are in a few days.

We have to work fast.

You know, I really think you should reconsider hiring me.

See you tomorrow.

I mean...

Do you know how many directors launched their careers with horror films?

We're still making a drama. It's just a drama that happens to have a zombie in

it.

It's a new genre.

A zombie drama.

A zom-drama.

All right, Dad. I really need your help on this one.

Don't think of it as acting. Just stand there and be...

This.

Okay, Dad?

Deal?

Thanks.

I knew it. I knew this stuff wasn't just folklore.

I wonder how many other zombies have existed.

They say that Jesus rose from the grave.

Was he a zombie? And what about the- A virus!

Intergalactic bacteria doesn't just come from nowhere.

That means that somewhere there's an entire planet filled with undead

lifeforms. Wow.

What are you doing?

I've used this recipe before.

It works great. Super realistic for blood.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We're not making your average horror flick. I'm doing something new with the

genre. A zombie film with artistic principles.

A zombie drama. No gore, no blood.

This is the first movie in the history of mankind to have a real zombie in it,

and you're going to water it down with artistic principles?

Where's the fun in that?

You're never going to believe who I met last night.

Dick Bowen.

President of Star Wars.

Did you tell him about our film?

Oh, I told him. Right, yeah. I told him real good.

So good, in fact, that he wants to visit our set.

Tomorrow!

That's huge Vivian, huge!

Huge! I mean if Dick sees our film he'll be dazzled.

And if Dick is dazzled, I mean we're guaranteed shoo-in for Star Wars.

Did Dad hit the camera?

Alright, here goes.

We're back in business!

It's zooming in its own. Hang on.

Come on.

Still zooming.

What a piece of junk.

Hey, it's okay, man. Shit happens.

Shit happens.

Shit.

Chicken shit.

We're gonna turn this into chicken salad.

We'll make our official cinematic style zooming.

Every shot in the movie will have a zoom. I mean, the judges at Starwalt

will eat it up. They'll think it's like a bold creative choice.

Collection. Oh, okay, ma'am.

And action.

Mother didn't raise us as savages.

You shan't treat a lady this way.

Now listen here, little muffin.

You think you're the cat's meow, but I got news for you.

Miss Vance, just play your part.

How fucking cute.

This must be your first time working with a professional actress.

to really get into the story sometimes as pros like to read both parts.

Am I right, hot stuff?

Okay, Vivian, that's just not how I'm used to working here.

If that zombie ain't out of here by dawn, I'll take him out myself in

pieces!

Ooh, fish! Careful, buddy. That's a sewage line.

You bust that baby open, we'll be swimming in Janko.

Bucky! Yoo-hoo!

I'm ready!

All right.

Places, everybody.

Perfect.

And... Action!

Matter ain't dead.

Every atom in the universe is alive and dancing.

Trees, rivers, rocks, even zombies.

Too much. Bring it down.

Zombies ain't evil.

It's like Shakespeare said.

There ain't nothing good or bad about it, but it's... It's thinking that makes

it so.

Less theatrical, Vivian. But I know how to wake up sleeping hard. Less, Vivian,

less. Brother, you're no different than a zombie.

Your heart is past asleep.

Too little, Vivian. It needs to have impact.

For crying out loud, less.

More big, small, I don't know what the fuck you fucking want!

Where the fuck are my smokes? Let's cut.

Hey, bish. Come check out this shot. I want your opinion.

What do you think of the framing?

Any thoughts?

You like it?

No,

but seriously, what do you think of the shot?

And action!

Action means swing the bat, Dad.

Action.

Action.

Cut.

Bucky.

I think I have something that might help.

We are not torturing him. He's still my dad.

That's not your dad anymore.

Zombies are completely brain dead.

They can't feel pain.

It's like, uh, it's like anesthesia. Except, um, well, it's permanent.

I'm sorry.

Action.

when you take a sick day.

God, you got me all worried.

Anyways, rest up, and if you got a cough, try gurgling some salt water.

The saltier, the better. All right, well, call me when you can.

Cut. All right, let's just do one more, Vivian. Jeez, Bucky, don't you have it

already? We have to get this right.

It doesn't feel authentic yet. If I don't believe it, then the audience

won't. Oh, authentic?

Okay, I'll show you authentic.

That's the spirit, Vivian.

All right, settle.

Vivian, you're too dramatic.

Vivian, tone it down a notch.

Vivian this, Vivian that.

Who does he think he is?

I'm not a circus pony, I'm an actress.

She's undirectable.

I mean, how do I direct somebody who's undirectable?

June?

June, where are you going?

What are you doing?

June.

Was I sleepwalking again?

I'll be darned.

I can't believe I missed it.

I want you to act in my film.

Yeah. Oh, wait.

June!

June, I'm serious.

You'd be perfect for the role.

You're gonna pay me to work alongside that nutty hag. No, not with Vivian.

Instead of Vivian. I mean, she can't act her way out of an invisible bag. If

you're in, I'll fire her tomorrow.

I... Can't be your actress.

Well, why the heck not?

I mean, acting is easy. Anyone can do it.

Except Vivian, apparently.

I don't do well with cameras. I freeze up. I've tried everything.

Homeopathics, hypnotherapy.

Nothing works.

Have you tried cats?

I call her Pickles.

She likes to cuddle cameras.

It's not so scary if all you see is a kitty cat, huh?

You wouldn't know good acting if it bit you in the ass! Look, Vivian, I

understand that you're upset, but... No, I know what the problem is. It's that

teeny bop of June.

She's always staring at me, trying to get into my head.

I'm under psychic attack, Bucky. I want them gone.

Vivian, I'm sure that's not her intention.

The two of you just have different energies, and I promise I will keep you

in mind for future roles.

Future roles?

Yeah.

Wow. Mm-hmm. Well, so much for Starwalt.

You can keep the part.

That's what I thought.

See you at rehearsal.

Need a hand?

i've been thinking about the acting business that we were talking about last

night and i've been thinking about it too and as much as i hate to say it you

wrote a pretty fun character i actually think i could really nail this role so

um i have a couple ideas that i wanted to run by you if now's a good time i

decided to go with vivian as much as i hate to admit it she's my ticket to star

wars i just need to be more patient with her i mean she'll find her groove

eventually and i know that you didn't want to work on some

artsy-fartsy drama for your whole break, so... I appreciate the sandwiches,

but you're free to go.

June, June, please come on!

Bucky, I feel lost.

How am I supposed to talk with Walter if he's always in fucking character?

I need to be able to talk with him, actor to actor.

I understand, Vivian.

I'll see what I can do.

Okay.

Dad, come on. I know you're in there.

Dad, please, give me a sign.

Something, anything.

I guess Gina was right.

I talked to him.

And? He broke character.

He broke character?

What'd he say?

He said he can either act like a zombie or he can be a zombie.

I said, you're right.

It's better for the film if he stays dead.

Wow.

What a professional.

Mr.

Bolling, it's a pleasure. A real pleasure.

Where's Vivian?

Listen, I can't stay long, babe. I gotta go meet the old ball and chain in a half

hour. Ahem.

Mr. Bowling, welcome to our humble little movie set.

I don't have a title yet, but it's a serious drama about the human condition.

When I first conceived in the theater... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cut to the chase, kid.

Okay. Well, if you follow me, we're about to shoot a scene that I think

you'll find very... Ah,

shit! It's that damn German Hans.

Where's your phone kid?

And then the blue fairy gave Pinocchio the gift of life.

She gave him a conscience.

And from that day forth, Pinocchio was a real boy.

You can be a real boy too, Zed.

I believe in you with every fiber of my being.

Are you ready for your tennis lesson now, Zeddy dear?

There you go.

Is this supposed to be a comedy?

Go higher.

Cut. Cut.

Detective Moses T. Swan, you must be Bucky LaBeouf.

LaBeouf? LaBeouf, yeah.

That's right, LaBeouf.

I was here to see your dad, Mr.

Walter.

He wouldn't have to be here, would he? No, unfortunately, he's not. He took a

mental health vacation down south to Baton Rouge.

Batting rules. Well, good for him.

I'm here on account of a good friend of mine, Eileen. She worked down at the

county with your dad.

She was thinking about doing a missing person report, and I had to tell her. I

said, now, girl, you calm on down, now. It's probably a simple explanation for

all this.

Yeah. I'm sorry that he forgot to call. He was in a real rush.

Said he was excited for some fluffy Louisiana beignets.

Beignets, yeah.

I'm missing some goddamn beignets, my damn self.

Well. Look, Detective, it's late, and I was just getting ready to...

turn in for the night it's all right it's all right i'm gonna tell eileen

they're just gonna take a chill pill uh you wouldn't happen to have uh the

number to your dad's hotel would you i don't but if you leave me your number

i'll have him call as soon as he calls me okey dokey bucky

have a good night you do the same

Arrivederci, everybody.

Mr. Bowling, where are you going? We're about to shoot the big monologue. Kid,

this is a snooze fest, huh?

My audiences want blood and guts, not monologues.

Sweetheart. Cookie only comes out to play if Pumpkini gets us into Star Wars.

Babe, you were great, but Star Wars is in the red. I need to sell tickets.

Tickets, not bore audiences to sleep.

This is the kind of movie that needs time for its themes to develop. I mean,

my vision... Kid, kid, I don't give a rat's ass about your themes. What you

need is action, violence.

For example, your character should blow the zombie's head off. But before

pulling the trigger, you should say something real cool.

Like... Hey!

Zombie!

Suck my balls!

You could have that one for free, kid.

But, Dick, uh, uh, Mr. Bowling, I thought you'd appreciate real art. I

mean, you're working with a true artist, Hans von Franz.

Ha! What, that crazy kraut? The only reason he's helping Star Wars is to drum

up publicity for his next horror flick.

That's not possible. I mean, Hans von Franz would never make a horror film.

Well, kid, believe it and weep.

Hans is making a slasher.

Page me, babe.

I appreciate the notes, Mr. Boeing. I will take another crack at the script.

Kid, there's an old saying you ought to know.

You cannot make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

That's not the saying. It's you can make chicken salad out of chicken shit. Who

told you that? That's disgusting.

Kid, I'm sorry, but your films are bust.

Except for the Zooms.

The Zooms were great.

Pumpkinny, wait for me!

Pumpkinny!

June? What are you doing here?

Vivian isn't gonna last, and you know it, so... If you want to make this

movie, you're gonna need my help.

There isn't gonna be a movie.

Dick Boeing hates it.

Yeah, I, uh... I overheard.

Dick left his pager?

Vish, what happened?

Jun, there's a first aid kit in the garage. Grab it!

Okay, bud, this is gonna hurt. I'm so sorry.

I know, I know, I know.

It's okay, it's okay.

Come on, buddy, hold on.

I know.

Shit!

Come on, come on. Bucky, I... What?

Oh, buddy.

Who am I

kidding? I'm no director.

Never was. Just a nobody kid.

Fish wouldn't want you to stop.

Don't you see, Bucky?

You can't let him or your dad die in vain.

You've got a camera. You've got zombies.

I mean, you could make a killer movie.

Not according to Dick.

Some prick's opinion doesn't mean squat.

Except Dick was right about one thing, though.

You can't make a zombie movie without blood.

She's right, Bucky. Listen to her. Mom, I'm not a sellout.

Look, you can still make the same movie, Bucky.

You just gotta sprinkle in, like, a little bit of violence.

And come on, you heard Dick. Hans is into genre now.

That's perfect.

Not only will Hans appreciate some blood and guts, he'll also recognize your

artistic vision.

She's got a good point, Bucky.

It's interesting.

But I don't know.

I'm on Dick's shit list now. There's no chance at Star Waltz. Fuck Star Waltz!

Yeah, fuck Star Waltz. We've got Hans von Franz.

I know it's last minute, Mr. Von Franz. Dick sincerely apologizes. But Star Wars

doesn't do special screenings for just anyone.

It's a private world premiere only for the most elite VIPs.

It's a private residence, but the bar will be fully stocked.

No,

I don't drink.

Okay, Hans, well, I gotta bid you adieu.

I'll arrange a taxi for you Thursday night.

Okay. Okay, bye-bye.

Ew.

Hans is going to be at the world premiere?

June, you've earned yourself a producer credit.

Sorry, Bucky, but you know what they say, better late than ugly.

What the fuck is she doing here?

I've decided to take the role in a new direction, so June is going to take over

your part.

I'm the star of this film, you idiot.

She's a goddamn amateur.

You think I don't know about your little secret?

Oh, yeah.

That zombie is your daddy.

I saw your family photo on the wall, Bucky.

You must think I'm dumb or something, huh?

I want that teenybopper tramp off the set or I'm calling the police. Okay,

Vivian, I don't think there's a need for that.

when Vishnu sleeps over.

Oh, uh... Where's Vishnu? He was just, um... Vishnu?

Vishnu, we are late to your cousin's wedding!

He went to the store for supplies. Vishnu!

He should be back in an hour. Definitely too late for the cousin's wedding or

anything. I can have him call you later, though.

You lie.

Okay, okay.

We were actually just working on a scene with Vish.

You can come down, but I want to warn you, he is fully in character, so just

don't be alarmed.

Your son is a very talented actor, Miss Guddu. You should be very proud.

Vishnu!

Vishnu! Hold this, Bucky.

Vishnu, Gireja's wedding is today, don't you remember?

Are you hungry? We have to go to the wedding. Come on. Come on. Not Indian

Standard Time.

No joking, Vishnu.

No joking, Vishnu. We are late. Come on.

Vishnu, come on. Mrs. Goody, please stop. You can eat at the wedding. Come

on.

And... action!

Action!

Why the hell taking this little boy so long?

Probably in there jacking off.

Detective Swan, is everything all right?

Evening there, Bucky.

Oh, everything's good. Everything's fine.

I've just been in the neighborhood because, you know, Eileen keeps barking

about your dad.

Caught the ear of my boss. He just wanted me to stop by one last time.

You know, just dot the I's across the T's, as it were.

Of course.

You know, Walter never called me. Was you able to get my number to him?

Yeah, I was.

Sorry he didn't call you back. He can be kind of a flake sometimes.

Uh-huh.

Bucky, would you eat a piece of cake with shit in it?

I mean, a little tiny piece of shit like an ant-sized turd.

Um... Of course not.

Because then you'd be eating shit.

See? Little tiny feces will fuck up your whole meal.

Now, lying is the same way.

In the Holy Bible, it said the smallest of sin can fuck up a lifetime of good

deeds. That's why lying is like eating shit inside of a cake.

Now, before we go any further, is there something you want to tell me, Bucky?

There actually is.

My dad didn't go to Baton Rouge Is there so he's uh

He's in Vegas Oh Las Vegas Nevada

How come he just didn't go to Atlantic City? He doesn't want to run into

anyone. He might know he's not exactly proud of his gambling detective

understandable

Hmm.

What?

ha ha ha

Everything seems kosher here.

I'm just going to wrap up some little minor details in my report, and then

I'll get on out your hair.

Do you want some bubble puffs? Oh, no, I never touch the stuff. I got to wash my

sugar.

So what day did your daddy leave town?

Um, I think it was a Monday.

Monday. No, no, wait. It was a Wednesday.

Wednesday. No, sorry.

Definitely Monday.

Monday.

Do you know what hotel he was staying at?

I do not.

But when I was a kid, he used to take me to the Pink Lady Motel.

I know the place. We used to catch cockroaches, tie tooth floss around

them, and walk around the room like pets. Yeah, there's a lot of bugs in

that joint.

But Dad didn't mind the bugs. He said the price was just too good.

So you might want to try the pink lady.

All right, I surely will.

Did your dad exhibit any mental problems the day he left?

No, not as far as I could tell. He was just his normal drunken self, chipper as

a clam.

Okay.

Did your daddy have any outstanding medical conditions?

No. I mean, he's had some gout that's flared up in the past.

Sent him to the hospital once, but other than that, nothing.

All right, well, I'm just gonna tidy up the last bit of this here report, and

I'm gonna go on and relieve myself out your presence.

Speaking of relieve, I should run to the bathroom.

All right.

Speaking of hospitals, I had to go to one last night. I ran into the emergency

room and grabbed the first doctor I seen.

I said, Doc, you got to help me. I'm shrinking.

Doc told me, calm down, calm down.

You got to get used to being a little patient.

Get it? Little patient. You got a bathroom I could use?

The toilet's clogged in this one, but the one upstairs works just fine. Oh, I

just got to, you know.

Wash my hands think I got a little pickle juice on it Excuse me

What the hell?

Well, well, well.

Them

bamboos

would buy a snake in the grass, little lying son of a bitch.

You wanna play, Bucky?

Let's play.

Oh, Buggy.

Buggy!

Buggy!

Buggy, I'm gonna take you up on some of them cereals.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everything's good. Look, my stomach's rumbling. I think I'm gonna have a bowl

of them. What's the name of them there cereals?

Actually, Detective, it's getting pretty late. I was going to turn in for the

night. Oh, man, come on now. My stomach's a rumbling now. You can't do

me like this, Bucky. I eat fast. I'll be out your head in just a second.

All right.

You know, I don't see any crosses or crucifixes around here. I take it y'all

wasn't raised in the faith.

No.

You know, my parents weren't into all that religious stuff.

Mm-hmm.

Romans, chapter 2, verse 7.

To those who by patience and well-doing seek glory, honor, and

immortality, he will give thee eternal life.

Eternal life.

One thing everybody wants.

Unless, of course, it's the bad kind of eternal life.

Hell, I don't nobody want a piece of that shit.

Bucky, I bet you don't even know how bad hell is, do you?

Boy, I wish that you could hear my rep, Rep Arnold.

He has a talent.

for describing Satan's torments to the non-believers down in hell.

I ain't going to do him no justice, but I'm going to give you the gist of it.

See, hell is not for the claustrophobic. I mean, they're jam-packed down there.

They're packed like sardines in a can.

I mean, it's so crowded that if a worm crawled into your eyeball, you wouldn't

be able to lift a finger to get it out.

Then there's the smell.

Imagine the smell of every animal in the world's shit.

Like monkey shit, elephant shit, donkey shit, dog shit, baby shit.

All in one place at one goddamn time.

And it's in flames.

Nigga, the putrid smell's gonna hit your nostrils and tear your lungs up.

But that unbreathable stench ain't the worst of it.

The worst part of hell is the burn.

The burn.

See?

Hellfire is different than normal fire. See, normal fire consumes flesh.

God designed hellfire not to consume flesh, but it consumes your insides

eternally. Your brain is going to boil inside your skull, but it ain't a damn

thing you can do about it because your arms don't move because your jam's so

motherfucking tight now.

Your heart is melting. Your intestines also melting.

You feel it all, see, because he leaves all five senses on to feel the pain

eternally.

But he gave us a shot.

All we have to do is accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior.

He'll let us avoid all of that tormention and make it to heaven.

Now, it's not too late for you, Bucky.

You could save your soul.

All you gotta do is get on your knees and beg Jesus Christ for forgiveness of

all your sins.

Now, for those non-believers, well, there is no salvation. So, uh, if

your dad Walter is dead, well, you can best believe your sweet little ass that

him and your mama are burning in hell together.

Make one move, and it's gonna be your last.

Now, I suggest you take that little toy gun and you put it in that basket of

fruit over there.

Otherwise, I'm gonna blow your motherfucking brains out.

That way you can see what the fuck you thinking is some bullshit.

You hear me, boy?

Little Eve.

My knight's shining armor!

You need help with that, little twerp?

And who the fuck are you?

Jankum.

Run!

That stuff isn't real.

You can't get high off of sewage.

You can't. Can you?

What's the pickle?

Haunt?

It's Haunt.

He actually came.

Hi, hi, yes, we need help, like right now. There's crazy people on their trip.

No, no, no, that was a bad joke, ma'am. My sister, the prankster, ha ha. We are

totally fine. We need help.

People are trying to kill us. No, no, no, really, really.

You'll be here in 15 minutes.

Can you give me 30?

I'll screen for Hans in the garage.

It's a mess, but it'll have to do.

We almost just died, and you're thinking about Hans?

You only care about your movie. Now, June, we really both don't need to go.

This is really a one-man job.

You're right, Bucky. I'm glad you agree, so just barricade the door, and I'll...

It's best if I go.

Hans was expecting a girl.

June, we're talking about my legacy.

Legacies? God, what a stupid concept.

You think Shakespeare... cares about his legacy? No, because he's 16 underground

swallowing dirt.

All the praise in the world don't mean diddly to a dead guy.

And if you think all these great artists' work is timeless, you're wrong.

Every play, every book, every movie, one day they'll all just disappear, along

with every freaking atom in the universe.

Nothing lasts forever, Bucky. Not even legacies.

Noted. Thanks.

Fine. I'll... Guard the door while you schmooze with Hans. No, June, it's too

dangerous. Bucky, we'll be safer together. June, you're staying here!

It's just... I mean... I couldn't bear the thought

of... What if something happened to you?

I'm sorry, June. It's safer this way.

Mr. Von France, welcome to my world premiere. It is a huge honor to have you

here. Huge.

Where is Richard?

Where's this delicious girl I was talking to earlier?

Well, I actually just spoke to both of them, and they are unfortunately running

late. But Dick wanted me to get this show on the road anyway.

Come right this way. We're going to be going to our private theater for the

screen. Okay, very well.

in a love ritual we call sex.

We'll get to that lesson in a bit.

No, Daddy!

Being human begins at the dinner table.

Anybody home?

He's about as useless as tits on a boy. Enough!

The only good zombie is a dead zombie.

dad you saved me all my life i've been looking at this nothing more than

than a worthless hillbilly but you dad you saw the humanity lurking in my

tender heart i'm sorry dad i know i ain't been the best son i guess

my cold heart and your dead heart are the same all we need is blood

Bravo, bravo, Herr Bucky, simply stupendous. And this ending, what is the

meaning of this last shot?

Don't tell me.

I know, I know, you want to remind the audience that life itself is like a

movie, and therefore an illusion. I'm right, yes?

I just thought it was a cool final shot.

Ah, don't be so modest, Bucky, in these long, slow, beautiful zooms. How did you

think of the zooms? Brilliant. You really like it?

I didn't think that you would be into the drama since, you know, your next

picture's a horror.

Me? Making a horror movie?

What a vile rumor.

Hans von Trance will never make trash to entertain the plebeian idiots.

For you, it's different, of course. It's forgiven.

I know the rule of this festival.

you see very few artists have the je ne sais quoi you and i are the rare

birds my dear herr backe we possess the it factor so

forget starwaltz i want to introduce you to my producer he knows

how to work and develop auteurs. You see, a young artist needs to be like a

seed watered very carefully if it is to grow into a mighty tree, a tree that

will last for generations.

So, come, we shall discuss this together over a warm meal in whatever your little

village calls fine dining.

Yeah? Come.

Now, Bucky, what are you waiting for?

Now, Bucky, what is the matter?

What's in these things?

I feel great.

Wait a second.

Did you shoot me?

My zombie star.

My God, for such a pitiful role, you were fantastic.

See, still in character.

I understand.

That's a true dedication. The mark of a true artist.

You shot me. You shot me.

And that I wouldn't do it again.

Because that stuff was pretty good.

June, I've been a damn fool.

I'm sorry.

You were right about everything.

But I'm through with it all. No more hoity-toity art. No more chasing critics

or awards.

I'm done.

What about Hans?

What about your legacy? Screw Hans.

And screw my legacy. Why chase immortality when being with you...

Kind of feels like I already have it.

So what do you say?

Let's team up.

If we survive all this?

Just imagine.

June and Bucky, the unstoppable duo of B-grade cinema.

Why wait?

We're not gonna get better zombies than these.

Let's make some chicken salad.

Thank you.

Wait!

Hans deserves a better death.

Come on!

Perfect.

Thank you.

I think our climax is climaxing.

Oh shit.

Dad? Dad!

I knew you were still in there.

Dad,

you want to help me finish my movie?

Just like that.

Don't move an inch, okay?

All right, Chad, you ready?

Spartacus, you were a good boy.

And Hans, I know you're still in there.

So suck my bo-

Thank you.

Probably have a few minutes until the battery's charged.

Do you wanna... This is good for our acting.

Keeps us focused.

Living in the moment.

Every moment is a new and exciting moment.

That was great.