Original subtitles

Hey!

Yeah right, in your dreams.

No, in reality. - You know what?

Why don't you go get this so-called witness

and go to the police?

Why would I burn down this house when I want it?

I'm gone, and you get the insurance money.

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

You're not driving.

Watch me!

I'll leave as soon as I get my coin collection,

and my mother's ring,

that happens to be on your finger.

You'll have to cut it off.

Okay, if you insist.

Good lord.

Oh!

Science has proven that my glass

has to be full of whiskey and emptied four times a night.

Wino weirdo.

Why don't you drink somethin' else

other than that sissy-ass fruit juice?

4.5 ounces per day is best for your ticker.

That shit'll eat a hole in your gut.

Weirdo wino says this particular cabernet

has maximum oxygens.

God help him.

Antioxidants.

Don't you pay attention to the health news?

I stand corrected, anti-oxygents.

You're so full of shit.

I'm very regular, thank ya.

Can you just pour a damn glass

of wine without all the hoopla?

Too much alcohol causes dementia,

but it's too late for you two wiener heads.

Why are you always worried about catchin' some disease?

One day you're playing cards

and the next day you're a pile of dirt

with some dog takin' a piss on you.

Death?

Man, it's definitely in your future.

Whenever it happens, hopefully 100 years from now.

Oh, so you're gonna live to be 149?

You live in a garbage dump.

Why are you so worried about what you eat?

You know what I heard on the news the other day?

Both of you are big butt holes.

Can you play a card?

Thomas the garden doctor.

Yeah, yeah, I do all that stuff.

Sure.

If you got the money, I got the time.

Yes, yes, I got the tools, I got everything.

I'll be there at 5:30 right on the dot to check it out.

Yeah, yeah, text me your address.

All right, bye.

Cool.

I'm here to clean the house and I have all my tools.

No, you're not. - Yes, I am.

Hi, just a sec.

I can't afford you anymore

and my soon to be ex creep says you've got to go!

Ash likes me.

He hired me and you cannot fire me.

Ash is dead, at least in my mind,

and of course you're fired.

No, I need to get in there

and do my cleaning like I always do.

Listen to me.

Bitch. - You're fired.

You can't work if you're fired.

That's what fired means!

I know what fired means.

I have to have this job.

Where is your freakin' husband?

That's what I'm saying.

The jerk says I can't have a house cleaner unless I pay,

and I don't have any money to pay.

Maybe after I divorce that stinking pile of cow dung,

I'll have more money to pay.

Does he know all the crap

that you're saying behind his back?

Bye, Dora.

I have other things to do besides pound

into your head that you're fired.

This is not the end of this.

Yes, it is.

This is not the end.

Bitch.

This is not the end.

I'll be back.

Sorry, I'm modesty.

You must be Tom from Thomas the garden guy.

It's Thomas.

Thomas, the garden doctor.

Tell me about yourself.

Are you a doctor of botany or?

No, I'm not a real doctor.

It's just a name.

I did go to college.

What did you study? - Plants,

agriculture, philosophy, botany and stuff.

Do you have a degree in horticulture or?

Asshole professor jerk

wouldn't let me take anymore chemistry.

He wouldn't let you take anymore chemistry?

He told my advisor to get me out of the course.

He thought I was gonna blow up the universe.

That's a little scary.

So you have any kinda license?

Yeah, I have a state license for landscaping.

Where are you from?

Farmer, south Carolina.

I thought you were from the south.

I'm pretty good at that.

Cool.

Okay, well Thomas the garden doctor,

I'll show you the job.

Rocks neatly placed, rubbish here, rubbish there,

rubbish everywhere.

I don't wanna ever see it again.

Shrubbery neatly groomed, weed's cleared,

rake, sweep, trim.

Don't ask for money until the job is complete.

My father's rule, and it has always worked.

Probably a good rule.

It's simple.

Simple Simon for me.

Are you sure you can do it?

Of course I can do it,

I've done much bigger jobs.

My friends are throwing me

a soon-to-be divorce party next Saturday.

Of course I can do it.

I'll be here every day after five.

What do you do before five?

Work at Harvey's hardware garden.

I'm the head gardener there.

How you gonna finish my job in seven days

if you're only gonna do it part-time?

I work at night with lights.

I use 'em all the time.

Night?

Is working at night a problem?

Just don't let me down.

Your friends will be very impressed, I promise.

So if you do a really good job,

I'll give you the maintenance job to do every week.

Cool.

This is gonna be my very own special house.

It looks like a nice place to hang out.

Why'd you let it get like this?

My husband, soon to be ex, is a pretty useless creature.

Well, I'm a very useful creature.

Good, so you'll be here every afternoon, and every night?

Every night but two nights.

That's when I play cards with the boys.

I don't care when you work

as long as you get the job done.

It'll be done in seven days or less.

Yes, I can work after midnight if I have to.

Okay, please clean up the front first.

The front first, no problem.

Overheard you talking to that woman.

You got the money to pay me?

Yes, of course.

I had to get rid of Dora.

She, as you probably noticed is pretty hardheaded,

and obviously very hard to fire,

so don't worry, I have the money.

Okay.

Let me know if you need something to drink or a snack.

Do you have any tea?

Lemon, sugar?

Straight, it's better for ya.

No sugar?

Sugar interferes with the antioxidants.

Can you put in three bags?

You like it strong.

You don't happen to have organic tea, do ya?

Sorry.

Is this the place looking

for a yard person or a handy person?

Somebody was looking for gardening,

but she already hired me.

Well, she called me this morning

and told me that she needed somebody to clean up her yard.

She called me this morning.

She already hired me to clean up her yard.

How'd you get here?

I rode a bus.

You rode a bus?

How you gonna clean up a yard if you rode a bus?

Don't worry about it.

Yeah?

I'm Daisy, remember?

You called me this morning about some yard work.

Oh, wow.

I didn't think anyone would show up

and now there's two of you here.

You already hired me.

I have great references and I'm very, very fast.

Well, you look like you'd be a good yard person.

You called me and told me to come by.

I called several people, but Thomas got here first.

I just hired the first person who showed up.

I didn't know it was a foot race.

She didn't even have a truck.

She rides a bus.

I use my brother's truck when I need it.

Real gardener would have a truck.

I'm not just a gardener.

I do other things.

I'm a handy woman.

And she's wearin' a dress.

So what?

I can work in a dress,

but I'll probably wear pants if you give me the job.

I'd like to see you do this job in a dress.

She doesn't look all that strong either.

I'm a power lifter.

Yeah, right.

I would really like to hire a young lady.

So you're gonna hire her and fire me?

I've already started.

I can start first thing in the morning

and whatever you're paying him, I can do it for 10% less.

I'm so sorry, but I've already hired Thomas.

I'll keep your number for future jobs.

Thanks for nothing.

So you're still doin' it?

And you expect me to continue being your wife?

I'm so uptight?

Enjoy?

Your lifestyle has probably resulted in brain syphilis.

Course it's upsetting, moron.

I want you to get the rest of your stuff outta my house.

Oh, you want your computer?

Hold on just a moment.

At the moment, it's in the dishwasher.

It had a lot of smut in it,

so the cleaning will be good for it.

God, that's freakish.

Thomas, did you see 'em?

When the clothes started hittin' the floor,

I had to look away.

Gotta be shittin' me.

Looked away.

Not a man in this country

would look away from her bare hoots.

I'm not gonna get caught lookin' at my client's hoots.

Can you believe this guy?

You look at your client's Hooters if you've got a chance?

Look at a pair of good hoots.

If she was your wife,

you'd want me to check out her hoots?

Hey, don't talk about my wife's hoots.

Your wife's also your aunt, right?

And you won't look at 'em?

You've hot a Hooters all over your walls,

but yet when you actually see a pair, you look away.

This might be a permanent job for me, ya ding bats.

Enough extra money to pay my rent.

She catches me, I'm toast.

Is that thing lit?

What am I supposed to do?

You don't believe me.

Don't you think it's kinda funny

we talk about this crap with each other?

We won't talk about it in front of a woman.

That's because we're different animals.

You need to read up on the difference between the two.

They don't know we talk like this.

Do you think that's weird?

You're the freakiest guy I've ever met.

Serves us broccoli and carrots

and then closes his eyes when Hooters come out.

And chips.

They have extra gluten at just for your butt.

Low cholesterol, low taste chips.

Mm.

Vodka cures it all.

You'd probably already had a heart attack

if it weren't for my decent food.

Have you ever taken a ride with this guy?

I never had a wreck or speeding ticket,

I'm sure you can't say that. - And he pays

extra taxes each year.

Pluto said a moral man would pay

more taxes than the immoral man.

I rest my case.

Pluto?

Who the hell is that?

I'm sure you'll go to heaven.

If he ever dies.

He never lived.

He's the most sophisticated yard man I've ever known.

Sophisticated gardener.

A sophisticated afraid of dying gardener.

That won't even look at Hooters.

I look at Hooters, but not my clients.

Your sister's always trying to show me hers.

Outta respect for you, I look away.

Hey, watch it.

How many years were you in college?

I got a associate's degree in philosophy.

Philosophy?

Whoever heard of anybody studying that bullshit?

I'm not sure why I hang out with such bags of hot air.

You hang out with us

because we're the only excitement in your empty life.

You hang out with me for free vodka and liquor

'cause it helps your menstrual cramps.

Booze better be free if I gotta put up

with your freakin' ass.

Do me a favor.

The next time your client strips, take a picture for me.

You don't have to look.

Just snap the picture.

Play a damn card.

Hi.

You're here.

I'll be working here tonight, as I told you.

Maybe after midnight, you can't ever tell.

Are you sure you're gonna finish by Saturday?

Yes, of course I'm gonna finish.

I told ya I play cards with the boys two nights a week.

So I'm expecting perfection by Saturday.

Do you need anything?

That plant's fake.

I know it's fake.

Ya got any tea?

Sure.

Three bags, right?

You said they're not organic, right?

Next time I shop, I'll look for the organic stuff.

Cool.

Good afternoon, Ms. Divine.

You're Ms. Divine?

Who wants to know?

My name is Tim angel and I'm an attorney.

An attorney with the name angel?

Come on, you've gotta be kidding.

It is true, believe it or not.

Some of us are angels.

Hey, big deal, your name is angel.

Now, what is it you want?

I'm here legally representing your husband, ash divine.

Oh, so you're one of those creeps trying

to help jerk face screw me over?

You know what I think?

Well, do you?

I give up.

Tell me, what do you think?

I think you're all a bunch of cold-blooded reptiles.

I'm so sorry you feel like that, Ms. Divine.

But think about this.

All your husband's wealth

is the result of his hard work, right?

You're so full of it, just like the rest of the group.

No, that's not right.

This agreement allows you to get something

that's not rightfully yours.

I've got a suggestion.

You go sleep with the perverted creep

and then get back to me.

I bet you change your mind

about who should rightfully get this house.

I think I'll pass on that proposition,

but sleeping with someone is not really

an entitlement to taking his wealth.

What are you messin' with her for?

Excuse me, and who the hell are you?

I'm the gardener.

Thanks for knocking and-

And what?

Respecting my privacy.

I'm your mother.

So?

So for 20 years you came into my house without knocking.

Most children enter their parents' house without knocking.

Do you really care?

Yes, I care.

Most people consider me a full blown grownup.

Some wine, please.

Why is it so hot in here?

Are you complaining?

The cooler is broken.

Can't you call somebody?

No, I didn't think of that.

Thanks.

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong?

Oh, not much.

My entire life is hurling through outta space outta control.

I've been through this, honey.

My last husband dumped me for a girl, and I emphasize girl.

40 years younger, and left me with nothing.

I'm trying to avoid the highway

of horrors you took mother,

and here I am at 40 alone once again

and brawling in the mud with my soon to be ex.

Don't talk to me about being alone at your age.

I'm alone at my age.

You're alone because you kept having affairs

on all your husbands.

Because they were all jerks.

At least your husband's a rich jerk.

If you play your cards right,

a few marriages can make you rich and whatever you do,

hang on to this house.

And proverbial hell will freeze over

before I go back into that tiny apartment.

At your age, you can whip out a few more marriages.

The mirror's not lying to me.

Some of of the dudes still give me the old eye.

Who knows?

I might go for number seven.

I still have a little gas in my tank.

You're full of gas.

So you're gonna marry another one?

I recently met Mr. tall, dark, and handsome,

so there may be wedding bells next spring.

Then I'll have almost enough stepdads for a soccer team.

You don't happen to have an extra two or $300, do you?

Does everybody think I'm the third national bank?

No, no, I don't have any extra money.

Remember, I'll soon be a divorcee.

Well, you're not divorced yet.

I'd hang on, no matter what.

There's nothing to hang onto.

He's a swinger and he doesn't wanna give it up.

You are gonna give me those diamond earrings.

Thanks for being so sensitive, mother.

Yeah, I guess I did say that.

I'd really like to pick them up tonight

so that I could wear them out

to dinner tomorrow night with Hal,

and I don't want ash's greedy little fingers

to pick them up and put 'em in his pocket.

Oh, so Hal is gonna be the name of my new father?

There's a good chance.

You've already married a Hal.

I guess I like the name Hal.

Can you please get me those diamond earrings?

Okay, okay, I'll get them.

But don't you dare lose them when you've divorced Hal.

What the hell?

Stop it!

You're hurtin' me.

I'm the gardener.

Sure you are, you perv.

Stop! - Good god!

Perv!

That hurts.

Stop hittin' me. - Mom, stop!

What are you doing? - I saw him

through the window.

Good gosh! - He's the yard man.

Just shat!

The yard man working - shit!

Through the middle of the night?

Are you okay, Tom?

You were hittin' really hard.

Sorry.

You shoulda told me there was somebody out there

in the middle of the night.

You should have asked me before you assaulted him.

Hey, this is not your house to just walk in here-

ash, it's so good to see you again.

Hi, miss Fabia.

Of course, it's my house.

I am so glad you came.

Mother!

Yes, it's really nice to see you too, miss Fabia.

Look at these beautiful diamonds.

Those are nice.

Those look like our diamonds.

My diamonds.

They were never your diamonds.

Again, it's really good to see you too, miss Fabia.

Time for both of you to go.

I'm only here to pick up my computer.

Oh, excuse me, I haven't taken it out of the dishwasher.

Better not be serious.

I'm amazed at how clean it got.

No fingerprints at all.

Still drips a little if you move it around.

My taxes, my passwords, everything was on this computer!

I didn't take them out.

I'm sure they're still in there.

Now that you have your computer,

it's time to say goodbye.

When the mood strikes me,

could be a few minutes or a few days.

This is my house and you're not welcome.

Maybe you need a sheriff escort.

It's pretty hard to make an arrest being in my own home!

We'll see about that.

Oh, we'll definitely see about that.

So, what else have you destroyed?

You'd be very surprised.

Oops, pardon me.

Musta slipped right through my hands.

Now you are vandalizing

and I am gonna call the sheriff.

She must have her father's personality.

I've always liked you.

Why don't you two get a room?

And I don't think she even knows who my father is,

so who knows who I took after?

Well, you should be more loving

and respectful to your mother.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your evening, Ms. Fabia.

Sorry about the vase.

I guess accidents do happen.

Is that woman still here?

Again, I apologize.

You seem safe enough.

Come on in for a minute.

Don't let anybody else attack me.

It won't happen again.

Are you finished?

Like I said this afternoon,

it's probably gonna take till Saturday.

I know, it'll be done.

I hope so.

I can work around the clock if I have to.

You wanna check my work?

I just took a shower.

I'll check it in the morning.

You want a treat?

A treat?

Tea or cookies?

Like I said, I don't do sugar.

I'll take a couple carrot sticks if you got any.

Tea with three bags and some carrots?

Are the carrots organic?

I don't think so.

I'll just skip the carrots.

Tea, no carrots.

It's kinda hot in here.

You're telling me.

My underclothes were wet with sweat before my shower.

If you do a really good job on my yard

and finish by Saturday, you've got the job permanently.

Cool.

And I promise to always have organic tea

and organic carrots.

You'll love my work.

This house is gonna be legally mine after the divorce.

Cool.

I'm gonna keep it looking

like a perfect polished Dollhouse.

So, I had to take my pajamas off last night to fall asleep.

You don't happen to know anything

about air conditioners, do you?

Yeah, little.

Any ideas what might be wrong?

I'm pretty sure there's a filter you gotta change.

I know that much.

I've already done that.

Could be a circuit breaker.

My hunch is not that, but feel free to check.

Come in!

Did it come on?

Does it look like it came on?

I can fix it.

Just to let you know I'm here.

You don't have to tell me that.

I don't care if you come noon or night.

Just a sec.

I have a treat for you.

Cool.

Thanks a bunch.

And they're 100% organic.

Usually people just ignore me when I say organic.

You seem very healthy.

I hope so.

Why are you so worried about your food and health?

I don't know, born like that, I guess.

I really don't like the thought of dyin'.

Well, you'll have to do it someday,

no matter how organic you are.

I try not to think about it.

♪ 'Cause I'm on my way ♪

♪ Don't tell what you think is good or bad for me ♪

What are you doing out here?

What the hell?

Is that a gun?

Of course it's a gun.

What are you doing with modesty's wheelbarrow?

It's my wheelbarrow.

I'm the gardener.

Go ask her if you don't believe me.

She better be okay.

What's that supposed to mean?

Of course she's okay.

I'm gonna check on you tomorrow.

Are you nuts? - Got it? Tomorrow.

Some crazy woman just threatened to shoot me.

Oh, that was probably Sylvia.

She's kind of the neighborhood guard dog.

Pay her no attention.

Pay her no attention?

You need to go talk to her,

and tell her I'm out here workin'.

I don't think she ever shot anyone

and I don't think her gun is even loaded.

Damn it.

She did it again.

Did what?

Start takin' her clothes off with the blinds open.

So you saw 'em?

He still looked away.

I saw some wild dancin',

then I almost got shot by her neighbor.

If I saw you at night in my yard,

I'd probably shoot your ass, too.

Let me give you a little fun fact.

Women are exhibitionist by nature.

What do you think women walk around half naked

in high heels in a snowstorm?

I never saw a woman in high heels in a snowstorm.

How can you be such an old man

and know so little about women?

I've seen a lot of women,

and none of 'em had high heels on in a snowstorm.

It's always a show for the man.

They flash their eyes, shake their bum.

It's all a little dance.

It's always a show if she likes the way you look.

That's why I can't believe

that she's putting on a show for him.

You are a man.

Go over there and make sure this guy

has at least one ball.

I have balls.

You check.

Nobody's gonna check, you wiener heads.

Take my word, there's monsters down there.

Have you ever had a real girlfriend?

I've had tons of girlfriends.

Have you even seen a naked woman?

Seen a lotta naked women.

I'm not talkin' about women on the Internet.

I saw your mamas.

Her name is sweaty Betty, right?

She had tiny little Hooters.

I don't see how you survived babyhood nibblin'

on those little things.

Every time we come here

it's like being in the fourth grade.

I saw your mother, too.

She asked me to shave her back.

A 49 year old virgin landscaper

who won't even look at a naked woman.

Gardner.

Gardner who has plastic plants

in his apartment who won't even look at a naked woman.

Have you ever been to a hooter bar?

Big waste of money.

He's never seen a naked woman.

I've been married you doofus.

That doesn't mean you've seen a naked woman.

You know what I heard?

That when she started takin' off her clothes,

you looked away.

I watched her take showers

and dress and everything else.

I heard she filed for a divorce during the honeymoon.

She must have gotten tired of whipping your candy ass

so she left you.

Just 'cause your wife whips your butt,

didn't have anything to do with me.

Do you know what I really think?

I don't wanna know what you really think.

I think your client wants you to make a move.

With him?

What kinda move?

She may be trying to seduce you.

Why do you think she'd do it?

That's a really good question.

She knows you're out there and she still puts on a show.

They don't dance for everyone,

so maybe she does see something in that doofus ass.

She must be the only person

on this planet who sees something.

I always feel real good

about myself after talkin' to y'all.

I tell ya again, women are not like us.

I figured that out in preschool.

Well, maybe you're right.

I mean her blinds are open every night,

and then she puts on this show.

Then she brings me tea and organics.

See?

You know, maybe women are startin' to go for me.

Women?

I don't think she has any kids.

Maybe she wants a baby.

You never know for sure about that baby thing.

His baby?

Hey.

Cool.

Perfect.

And it's organic. - Cool.

♪ And organic veggies ♪

You gimme the best service of any of my clients.

You look a little more dressed up today.

Harvey kept me busy right up to five.

I didn't have time to change.

So did you want something?

Just to let you know I'm here.

I'll be working on the moonlight again.

Okay, Thomas, the midnight gardener.

Again, you don't have to tell me

when you come or when you leave.

I think she really does like me.

I can't believe a woman with a face like that's into me.

As long as you're finished by Saturday afternoon,

everything's kosher.

This place will be much more than kosher by Saturday.

♪ Great ♪

♪ I really do appreciate your hard work ♪

This kinda work must keep you in shape.

Oh, I never need to go to the gym.

I'm pretty strong.

You know, I might give you a nice tip

on Saturday if the job is perfect.

Great.

So the bill now is a couple hundred smackaroos.

Okay, sounds reasonable.

Is there a question?

I know you said you don't pay till the end.

I sure would like to get 50 bucks.

Sorry, but as I've told you,

I have to stick to my father's rule,

pay when the job is done.

It has always worked for me.

It is...

Oo!

Yeah, I guess that's probably a good rule.

Was there anything else?

Maybe we'll go out and have lunch sometime.

I mean, I know this great organic place.

Maybe.

Maybe sometime we can do that.

Okay, great.

Next Friday I'm free.

Maybe I can pick you up.

I mean, I'm going through a divorce

and too much on my plate to enjoy a lunch with a new friend.

I know she likes me.

Hi, I'm James heavenly.

James heavenly?

Yes, I represent ash divine, your husband.

What y'all keep messin' with her for?

Who the hell are you?

I'm the gardener.

♪ This is my castle ♪

♪ And nobody's gonna take it away from me ♪

♪ This is my castle ♪

♪ And nobody's gonna take it away from me ♪

Modesty?

Honey boo?

♪ You and I were made for laughter ♪

♪ You and I were made for fun ♪

♪ You and I were made for lovin' ♪

Ms. Divine?

Oh my gosh, I didn't know you were here.

What are you doing in my bathroom?

That asshole was in here.

He set a fire.

Don't you smell the smoke?

No, I don't smell smoke.

Get outta my bathroom!

I was afraid the house was gonna burn down.

Get out of my bathroom!

Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

I'm leavin'.

Talk to me in the hallway.

The lights were out, I thought you were gone.

I'm obviously here.

I took a nap.

Now I'm taking a bath with an audience.

You didn't answer the door.

I was expecting some tea.

I was asleep.

Now I'm very naked.

Now, would you mind going back outside?

How on earth did you get in here?

Through the window.

Get back out of here.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Go back outside.

I'll talk to you when I'm finished.

Okay, okay, I'm goin'.

Hey!

You can use the door now.

Oh, yeah, right.

You gon' fire me?

Am I gonna fire you?

I've had many gardeners in my lifetime

and believe it or not,

not a single one has watched me take a bath,

at least not that I know of.

I've had a lot of clients in my life,

I've never seen any of 'em take a bath, I promise.

But that asshole was gonna burn down your house.

For me, the stress of taking a public bath

is almost as bad as my house burning down.

I didn't see anything.

I swear, I didn't see one thing.

Well, thank goodness for that.

Oh.

Crap.

Does this mean you're not gonna accept my friend request?

It's been more than 24 hours.

Excuse me?

On FB.

Oh, that.

If I accept, if I accept,

you'd be the only friend I have

who's watched me take a bath.

You kinda hung up on that bath thing, aren't ya?

You're damn right I'm hung up on that bath thing.

Here.

Thanks.

Half full.

Perfect, makes it richer.

Hey.

I just wanna say again,

I'm sorry for coming in your bathroom.

I just thought I had to come in,

then I heard some singin'.

Okay, okay.

Come in a minute.

I don't want the bugs flyin' in.

All right.

Do you have to bring those cutters in?

Sorry.

Is this gonna interfere with us goin' out sometime?

What?

You know, we talked about goin' out when you get settled?

No, we talked about that yesterday.

You just entered my house through a window,

observed me taking a bath,

and now you wanna make sure we go out sometime.

I was gonna ask you again before I saw you in the tub.

Men are supposed to be persistent, aren't they?

As I said yesterday, after the divorce is settled,

we might have lunch someday.

What is this for?

Goodnight.

Don't you change your mind about firing me.

Let me think about it.

Are you just playing a around?

Maybe, maybe not.

Hi, how you doin'?

Fine.

Just to let you know I'm here.

Okay.

You have any tea?

I'll bring it to you.

Thanks.

Just two bags?

Sorry, I'll get you another bag.

Okay.

Did you call the cops?

No.

And please keep what you saw under your hat for now.

Okay.

Let's just say it's leverage for the future.

Okay?

If you see him anywhere around here, you call me.

Okay, sounds like you're not gonna fire me.

And if you ever come near my bathroom again,

you better be screaming bloody murder

or there will be a murder.

Hey, can I take your picture?

Okay.

Thanks.

I was getting into bed.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm gonna cut these bushes

over here beside the driveway and I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay.

You know, you never did bring me that extra bag of tea.

Sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

So, you're not gonna invite me in tonight?

No.

Like I said, I was going to bed.

I'm very tired.

Hey!

You tried to burn my house down.

I have no clue what you're talkin' about.

You came into my house and tried to start a fire!

How do you know all this?

You weren't even here.

See? You did come.

Listen, I just stopped by cuz I needed a few things.

You know what?

Maybe you left the stove on.

I didn't say anything about a stove.

Or whatever you did.

I stopped by, no one was here.

I even yelled.

I was in the tub and you tried

to burn down my house with me in it.

Come on, I was makin' some toast and maybe I forgot.

In a pot?

There was paper scattered around

the stove according to a witness.

A witness?

Yeah, sure.

Maybe you need to become a better housekeeper.

And I could still call the police.

Why don't you?

I'll make you a deal.

I'll get my witness who saw the whole thing quiet,

if you sign over this house to me by Friday.

Yeah, right.

In your dreams.

No, in reality.

You know what?

Why don't you go get this so-called witness

and go to the police?

Why would I burn down this house when I want it?

I didn't know you were in the house.

I swear.

So you admit it?

Even though I feel like it,

you know I wouldn't hurt you.

I'm gone and you get the insurance money, problem solved.

Listen, goldilocks, you're livin' in another fail-tale.

Listen, goldilocks, you're living in a fairy tale.

Okay?

Even if you did try to do away with me, the house is gone,

I'm on the streets and you get the insurance money.

You and your gardener,

the obvious witness, deserve an Oscar.

You're totally bombed.

You're not driving.

Watch me.

Gimme that bottle.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

♪ It's my wine and I drink it all the time ♪

♪ Even when my ex-wife wines ♪

♪ And I love my wine ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

Okay, I'll leave as soon as I get my coin collection.

Ah!

And my mother's ring that happens to be on your finger.

You have to cut it off.

Okay, if you insist, no problem.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'll call a taxi.

Get up, you intoxicated thief, jackass.

Get up you dirt bag.

Ash, get off your drunken ass

or I'm gonna call the sheriff.

Yeah, you shithead drunken ass.

You're not such a big deal pushing girls around.

Quit playing with us, you fake.

Get up before I kick you again.

Get up you fake.

I'm gon' kick you some more if you don't get up.

Quit jerkin' us around.

Quit jerkin' us around you Jack.

Don't kick him again.

He's faking.

He just fell.

I don't think he's breathin'.

He's faking.

He's not breathin'.

I don't hear no heartbeat.

You better do CPR.

I don't know how.

You gotta hit him really hard.

If you know how to do it, go ahead.

This is insane.

It's not workin'.

I don't hear any beatin', I don't think it's workin'.

Shit!

I'm pretty sure he is dead.

You better call 911.

Why on earth did you get involved?

'Cause I thought he was hurtin' you.

What if he killed you?

He had a knife in his hand!

It was his mother's potato masher!

Looked like he had a knife to me.

Even if had a knife and he pushed me,

it's still none of your business.

What about the house burnin' down?

Supposed stay outta your business

and let the house go up in flames?

I've written him so many nasty,

nasty texts and emails

and I've left horrible messages on his phone.

I've made tons of threats, sometimes in front of people.

It's an accident.

No one's gonna believe it.

It's always a spouse who does the killing.

Why'd you threaten him so much?

He's an asshole, but I wasn't gonna kill him.

What's for sure he's an asshole?

Are you sure you don't wanna call 911?

- Not if he's dead! - I'm pretty sure he's dead.

He's gonna start smellin' pretty soon, it's hot in here.

We're not gonna leave him in here forever.

No, I need a few hours to think about this.

You go home.

Just be your normal self.

Normal self?

What should I do?

Go home, sip on tea?

Take a nap?

Just go home.

I don't want your truck here.

Be regular.

I usually eat, but I'm not that hungry.

What, I don't know how to be regular

after you murdered someone.

Don't say that word.

Nobody murdered anybody.

Okay, we accidentally killed a man.

We?

Well, you helped a little.

I didn't help.

It was totally your business.

Are you sure you didn't help?

It looked like you tripped him.

Just leave.

Get outta my driveway and outta the neighborhood.

I've gotta put his car in the garage

till I figure out what to do.

Okay.

Don't you dare tell anybody about this.

Okay.

Don't even mention it in your prayers.

Okay.

What are you doing here?

You called me.

I wanted to talk to you, not visit with you.

Can't just sit home keep us under my hat.

Get in here, I don't want people to see us talking.

Did you by chance come in here and get the body?

Get the body? - It's gone!

What happened to it?

I wouldn't be asking you if I knew.

Since you have a tendency

to come into my house without invitation,

I was hopin' you got the body.

You think I got it?

Somebody got it.

What would I do with the body?

You didn't tell anyone did you?

You think the cops came?

If the cops had found him, we'd be in handcuffs by now.

Shishkabob.

When'd they get it?

I went to get some sedatives.

Wonder why I would need them.

I came back and no body!

It all happened within an hour.

Wonder if your mother got it?

She's nuts, but she wouldn't take a body.

Maybe the housekeeper got it.

Well, what would she do with the body?

Well, who?

Well, somebody knows and I'm not goin' to jail.

I'm outta here.

I think we need to come clean and tell the cops.

No way they'll believe us now.

I told you we should have called 911.

Remember, it's was the spouse and her accomplice.

You mean her boyfriend?

Yeah, in some cases, but obviously not this time.

It's the gardener, the garden doctor.

This is really messin' up my life.

If you attended to your own business

this wouldn't have happened.

You already said all that.

I'm leaving town right now.

You're leaving town?

And my house.

What about me?

What do you mean what about you?

You're leavin' town leavin' me here?

They'll think I did both of ya in.

Not my concern.

You're the one whose nose bumped

into my business and killed him.

I also tried to save him, but you wouldn't call 911.

Poor guy.

I cannot believe you're leavin' without me.

Better start believing.

So I just stay and do the jail time?

I guess.

Don't blab everything that comes

through that tiny brain of yours.

Take me with you.

Take you with me?

What a joke!

The two of us?

Are you proposing a Bonnie and Clyde partnership?

Accidentally murdered one man,

that doesn't make me Clyde.

You haven't murdered anyone you idiot.

It was an accident.

Remember that forever.

What are you thinkin'?

How did I get tangled up with the gardener?

Yeah, the gardener you haven't paid.

At this moment, that's what pops into your mind?

I need some money.

Do you have any money?

You owe me a lot.

You only have what I owe you?

Probably have $200 at home in a can.

Don't you save any money?

I mean you work two jobs and you have no money?

Well, I spend it on stuff.

Organic food I guess!

You're one of those people.

So if you have a nickel in your pocket,

you have to spend it.

I told you I have 200 bucks and whatever you owe me.

Well, with that kinda money,

we'll just move to a villa in Spain.

You know, I think I'd like Spain.

I think we're kind of alike.

Are you kidding?

Listen, these are the instructions for you.

Go home and get all your money and your clothes.

So you're takin' me?

Just get ready.

If I leave you here,

we'll both both be on the evening news.

Sounds like you're just takin' me to save your butt.

Bingo.

You're getting smarter.

Just get ready.

Maybe I'll snuff out your small life

in the desert somewhere.

Are you serious?

Why not?

I've already taken out one idiot.

What's one one more?

"Idiot?" are you serious?

You're not the nice woman I thought you were.

Well, you're a lot dumber than I thought you were.

How could you ever get an associate's degree?

I can show you my diploma.

Oh, yeah?

Bring your diploma.

I'm sure that'd be helpful.

Leave.

I'll pick you up.

30 minutes.

Going somewhere, Ms. Divine?

Leaving town, Ms. Divine?

Who wants to know?

No, I'm not leaving town.

Why would I leave town?

I have some things in here

that I'm taking to a local charity.

I bet you're a very, very generous person.

Now who are you?

My name is Angelina.

I'm an attorney.

Oh my god, I should have known.

There's Tim angel and now Angelina,

and then there's ash, the ass.

Tim angel, Angelina and miss divine.

We're all three heavenly creatures.

Yeah, sure.

Listen, I'm already late.

I've gotta go.

You have a great day.

You're in a big hurry.

Can't the charity wait just a few minutes.

I have an appointment.

If you really took the time to know me,

I bet we would be great friends.

Yeah, I'm sure you're probably right.

Maybe we can chit chat some other time.

I'm a woman.

I understand your situation.

I think you'll see that this agreement

is more than fair for both of you.

Okay, sure, I'll take it and read it over tonight.

Thank you so much.

Well, let's sit down just for a few minutes

and read it together.

I can answer all your questions and then you can sign it.

Like I said, I really, really have to get over

to the charity.

And a simple signature can end

this whole horrible relationship forever.

I'll get back with you.

You have a great day.

I'm sure the charity can wait just a few extra moments.

Not this charity.

They insisted that I'd be right on time.

What charity is it?

Oh, it's a cat charity.

Cat charity?

Yes, I love cats.

Good day and say hi to ash.

What on earth did you change clothes for?

You looked halfway decent an hour ago.

Go and get a normal shirt that you haven't cut on.

We wanna try to look normal.

And hurry the hell up.

Is that the best you can find?

It looks 30 years old.

You want me to go change again?

Get in the car.

You're gonna take this?

No.

What's in that can?

It's money.

How much? - I don't know.

It's at least half full of coins

and most of 'em are quarters.

Let me see.

Oh my gosh.

What did you do, Rob your piggy bank?

This loose change I've been throwin' in there for years.

Probably two or $300 in there.

Okay, so we're gonna pay

for the first hotel with your pennies and nickels?

What the hell?

We murdered a man.

So why not Rob a few convenience stores?

We don't have anything to lose.

Except life in prison.

We'll get the electric chair.

I was worried about dying with cancer,

now I'm gonna die in a gunfire.

I think you need to let me out.

You want me to stop right here?

I'm not gonna use it.

In fact, I've never even shot it.

Where we goin'?

Far, very far from Tucson.

Where are we?

Who cares?

What would it be like being in jail?

I'm not gonna find out.

So we're gonna just keep runnin' and runnin'?

One day I'm enjoying my house,

and the next day I'm running from the law.

I know, I can't believe it either.

I got a message.

Thomas, where the hell are you?

We wanna know if you saw 'em.

Who's that?

It's one of the boys.

What do you mean by that?

That's just the way the boys talk.

I don't think they know anything about the murder.

I sure wish I could sleep.

You've been drivin' for hours, let me drive some.

In your dreams.

I've never been in an accident in my life.

I've even got a parking ticket, ask anybody.

Your excellent gardening skills

got us into this gigantic mess.

What's it gonna hurt from me just to drive a little bit?

Thanks.

You have nothing to whistle about.

I know, I'm just trying to make us feel better.

It doesn't help a bit.

I could really enjoy this trip

if it weren't for the murder.

Why do you keep using that word?

Well, you've been usin' it.

See, I'm a great driver.

There's a cop right behind us.

Don't do anything stupid.

You can relax.

No reason for him to stop us.

What did he turn on his siren?

What do we do?

What do you think we do?

Pull over, idiot.

I dunno why he's pulling us over.

I didn't do nothin'.

What'd you stop us for?

We didn't do nothin'.

License and registration, please.

This is a rental.

Let me see your rental agreement.

Don't just sit there.

Give him your license and the rental agreement.

Did you realize that you ran

a stop sign about a mile back?

I think you must be mistaken.

I never had a traffic violation in my life.

Well, you didn't come to a full stop

at the last intersection.

I'm pretty sure I did.

Shut up!

Do not argue with the police officer.

I saw you run that stop sign.

You always respect the police officer.

So you agree with him?

Give him those papers.

Arizona?

What are you two doing this far from home?

Just...

We're on vacation.

Yeah, we're on our honeymoon.

Are you insane?

Excuse me?

It's true.

It's a honeymoon.

Please don't spoil our honeymoon.

I never had a ticket in my life.

There's a first time for everything.

Do not argue with him, idiot.

I'm not an idiot.

Yes you are.

This is our first argument since we got married.

You know, listenin' to you two,

I might wanna suggest that you seek

some marriage counseling,

you know, to get the marriage off on the right foot.

Well, I'm proof that it helps.

Ah, so it helped save your marriage?

No, we still got a divorce,

but we both felt better about it after the divorce.

Oh, okay, thanks.

We'll give it a shot, won't we honey?

Is it okay if we go now?

Just a minute.

I'm still gonna have to cite you for the stop sign.

I can't believe you're givin' me a ticket.

Shut up.

You're arguing with a police officer.

Is there any semblance of a brain

in that thick skull of yours?

I'm almost positive I stopped at that stop sign.

We don't want any part of the police.

Do you read me?

Okay, okay, I got it.

I still believe I stopped.

Do you wanna challenge the charge in the court?

And besides the stop sign, Mr. Thomas,

what do you know about the murder of Mr. Ash divine?

I'm not gonna charge it in court,

but I still believe I'm not guilty.

Pull over right now, I'm driving.

Okay.

Did he give you the key to another room?

If there's enough he'll bring another key.

He's still countin'.

If there's enough?

You're not sleeping in this room regardless.

There'll be plenty.

Hi.

May I come in?

You're not a cop are ya?

Are you worried about cops?

No.

I'm not a cop.

I'm chip Carmichael, the hotel manager.

Sorry to bother you,

but your payment method is just

a little unusual here at the Catalina.

What are you talkin' about?

You paid for this room with a can

of coins and half were pennies.

Pennies is money, innit?

Sure.

But I only have one desk clerk after nine

and she doesn't have the extra time

to count all of that change.

The rest of our stay will be in bills.

You have the key to the other room?

Sorry ma'am, but there was barely enough for this room.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm very sure.

Where's my change?

There was only a couple extra dollars

that you can pick up at checkout.

Good evening.

You know you have to get your own room.

I need all my cash and several hundred dollars is missing.

Your mom took a lot of money

outta your purse when you left the room.

Well, that's great!

Now, thanks for the scoop, Mr. Peeper.

Now I need some privacy.

You can't put my room on your credit.

It's traceable.

So you paid cash for the rental car?

All they know is I have a rental car.

They don't know where I am.

And you almost got us in trouble with the cops today.

That's the first time I ever got pulled over.

My record is spotless, except for the murder.

God, he's dead.

I can't believe we killed a man.

I haven't slept since we did it.

There you go using we again.

God, I hate to say this, but I'm glad it's him, not me.

Is this gonna interfere with our relationship?

What relationship?

You mean our running from the law relationship?

I thought you liked me.

You know, you never did accept my friend request.

Is that tea?

Liked you?

What a joke!

I lost my whole life because of you.

You need to pay me the money you owe me.

I said you get paid when you're finished!

You never finished.

Almost finished and I did a lotta work.

I didn't ask for anything from you

but to clean up my yard and what do you do?

You become my savior entangled in my life forever.

Well, I was tryin' to help ya.

Your help created a catastrophe!

What were you doing looking in my windows every night?

You kept puttin' on a show!

A show?

What the hell are you talkin' about?

Kept dancin', undressin',

everything else with the blinds open.

You must like me a lot.

You think I did that for you?

And the boys, they think you really like me, too.

You've lost your mind.

What woman takes off her clothes

with the blinds open?

Certainly not for you.

What a joke!

You still owe me the money.

So you gonna rip me off

and not let me stay in this room with ya?

I guess I'd sleep on the streets.

I guess.

Just keep your mouth shut.

Get in here.

Are you already up?

I thought you said you couldn't sleep?

I guess I must have fallen asleep for a few minutes.

I can verify that you fell asleep.

It was a lot more than a few minutes.

I have never heard such a racket, all night long.

So you didn't sleep?

I was thinking of being on the run

with the homeless man while the windows rattled.

Now I see your face first thing in the morning

and suddenly I have a very sharp anal pain.

I'm stressed outta my mind.

Can't believe I forgotten my vitamins.

I need some green tea.

If you go to prison,

you can just forget green tea and vitamins.

I still can't believe we did this.

Have you seen my phone?

It's right there on the floor.

Hi.

I need to apologize for the other night.

I was obviously inebriated,

and I had at least a bottle and a half of wine ,

and I must have passed out and fell when I was leaving.

Thank goodness I was knocked out.

I coulda killed somebody driving like that

and in that kinda shape.

I mean, gosh.

I don't remember much after that first bottle.

The doctor said that I had a closed head injury,

or bruised brain something.

Probably will never recover from that memory.

Anyway... what the hell?

My stomach and chest looks

like someone beat the hell outta me.

Gosh.

Thanks for covering me up - what the hell?

And keeping me warm.

I can't believe

he's not dead. - And why did

you throw all those pills on me?

I musta been out the whole day.

This little shit's alive.

Are you sure that was him?

Definitely him.

I'd never forget that voice.

He's very alive.

Unless he's calling from heaven, or his case, hell.

We didn't kill him!

So problem solved just like that?

Woo! - Woo hoo!

Hey!

We've got to be more thankful for what we have.

A house is nothing compared to freedom.

I didn't appreciate my freedom either.

Yesterday we had lost absolutely everything,

and now suddenly we have it all back.

Cool.

See that marsh over there?

Yeah, I see it.

Let's get some burgers, fries and drink some wine.

Cool.

Extremely cool.

I haven't had a burger in years.

We enjoy simple things in life like that marsh.

Yeah, the marsh sounds good to me.

Celebration time!

And if we drink too much wine,

we can walk back feeling fine.

Cool.

I won't be causing you anymore problems

and I'll give you...

Two hamburgers and two French fries.

Hi.

I hope I wasn't too offensive,

and also if you get a call from Snitzy, forget it.

This feels like a date.

Don't get carried away.

To me it feels like a date.

Let me define this little rendezvous.

It's two semi friends, let me emphasize semi,

celebrating no longer being fugitives from the law, okay?

You said you might go out sometime after your divorce.

French fries!

Some good crap.

I hope we can walk to our room.

Can they arrest us for crawlin' back to the hotel?

What?

What?

I meant to do it.

What?

The shows in front of the window were on purpose.

I thought so you rascal.

Why'd you do it?

When a woman's life starts crumbling,

she becomes insecure.

Well, they were really great shows.

You didn't see anything, did you?

Not much.

Just wet shoulders and stuff.

Never in my life could I have imagined this past week

with my gardener who is just a name on the Internet.

In some ways it's been a great week.

I think we should keep traveling.

Work a little here, move to the next town,

work a little there.

That's why you don't drink much wine isn't it?

You become mentally deranged.

It's not just the wine.

But the idea sounds really, really significant.

I mean, I'm significantly buzzed,

but the idea sounds really, really ridiculous.

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

I wish I had a room like this.

Hey, you had one can of quarters

when we started this trip.

I think you're lucky just to be on this boat.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'll give you the house

and all the money in the account.

No more fighting about that.

Bye.

Thanks for buyin' me this shirt.

♪ You're welcome ♪

Just don't cut the sleeves, please.

Okay.

You bought me a gift.

So?

So we're still just friends?

I guess we must be friends.

Can a man and a woman travel together

and still just be friends?

They sure as hell can.

You know, I was thinkin'-

now you're scaring me.

So what's your great idea?

Okay.

We get a job on this boat.

We keep goin' from country to country to country

and keep havin' these adventures.

It'd be like we're young workin' and travelin'

and workin' and travelin'.

Oh my god.

This week's been the most exciting week in my whole life.

Hamburgers, French fries, wine, runnin' from the law,

dancing lady in front of the window,

walkin' in on a lady takin' a bath.

Hey.

You know if we're workin' on this boat,

there's no tellin' what we could get into.

Very, very scary.

That 100% bitch!

What?

I can't let this bother me.

Let's have some fun.

Cool.

It's party time!

♪ Let's have some fun ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah ♪