Original subtitles

Oh, I'm ready to see your hot body. Oh, I'm ready.

Oh, yeah.

See that?

All for you, baby. You ready to get down and dirty?

I'm just feeling a little dry.

Oh, you mean down there?

Down there.

Oh, wow. Don't worry, baby. Look. We got Dr. Herbert's Love Goo, the solution.

This will save your Norwegian zones.

It'll get you wet as the Nile River.

Cut. Okay. Was it all right? Any notes? He'll be so insecure.

All right, let's not forget the most important thing is this, the lube, the

star of the show.

Now, when you squirt this, you're gonna put both thumbs at the top. Okay, here.

And you basically just squeeze.

What are you doing?

My hair!

Fuck! Makeup!

Jesus Christ, you didn't get anything right, you fucking idiot!

There's the lube!

really messed up today.

You still work for me, but you need to sign those divorce papers.

Why don't you cut off my hand and sign it yourself?

What a fucked up world.

No matter how hard I try, I just keep getting kicked back.

I'm in the desert with no water.

Somehow I have even less.

I just can't do this anymore.

It's time for a change.

I'm big time Hollywood director.

How's the life treating you?

I'm all right.

When am I going to see some of these masterpieces, huh?

Who did you work with today? Dylan Jacobs? You're such a dreamy. I so don't

want to meet him.

Mom, I make commercials, not feature films. I know. That's what I want to

talk to you about. You know, features are where it's at.

Commercials are passe. People, like, they just, you know, zip through them

now. Features. I think you should just jump head on into it. Yeah, but I don't

have any ideas for any feature films. I don't have any money, Mom.

Stop. Stop.

Honey, you come up with one good idea, the money will flow in. I know it. You

just have to believe, baby. You just have to believe.

I love you, Mom.

Thanks so much, Sean, for helping with all of my stretches today.

How about I take you out to dinner tonight on me?

No can do. I don't date people who identify as male.

Come on, Luna.

I could talk. No, stop.

Okay, whatever.

You ever want to pay to die?

That's it!

I'm gonna make a slasher.

You cannot tell Charles about this, please.

Trust me. I would never ruin a perfect day.

Wait,

I think he's coming.

Mom, Mom, I had a tremendous idea. It came to me in a dream.

I'm going to make a slasher film.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to go see Tony tomorrow at the shop, and I know he'll know how to do

the funding, because in fifth grade, in boys' club, he made $1,500 in chocolate

bars. Oh, that's wonderful, dear.

What was that?

Nothing.

You're hearing things.

I'm making a movie, it's a slasher film, and I need your help. So, you're finally

done with those butt plug commercials, huh? I hope so.

Wow, Charles, after so many years of talking about it, you're finally going

to become a filmmaker.

I just want to show people that I'm capable of making art.

You know, not just making infomercials for sex toys that break off into

people's holes.

You know, the surgical removal paperwork is bankrupting the company.

Well... If you're going to make a slasher film, you should really think

about hiring that stacked girl Jess from all your ads.

I mean, she's a scream queen after all.

What do you mean by that?

Haven't you seen any of those Camp Gore films?

Dude, she's in like six of them. Hell, you could crowdfund this movie.

First of all, I don't watch stupid movies like that. Number two, what is

crowdfunding? Well, Charles, my friend.

Crab funding is how you're gonna get your little movie made.

You see, people like to pay good money just to watch movies being made. And if

you get Jess involved, it's not a question of if you'll make the money,

but how much money.

Yeah, I guess I could give her a call.

Seems to be a bit of a flake, though.

And while you're at it, see if you can get that cue ball Teddy involved, too.

He loves to throw his money around.

Bet that bald bastard would throw in a boatload just to star in this movie.

Make a little splash on your campaign to start from.

This movie's gonna be killer.

Killer.

Jess, did Charles say anything to you about why

we're here today? What's going on?

I don't know. He just said he had, like, some super secret project.

Charles! Yeah, yeah. I bet you didn't know that was my daughter.

Quit horsing around. What's going on? I'm making a feature movie, and it's a

slasher. I'm crowdfunding it. Wow.

So, Jess.

Yeah?

I know you have a history in the horror genre, and you have a large following.

If you could just promote the crowdfunding page to your fans, I would

make you the female lead.

And Teddy, you're the key to the first day success of this campaign.

I am? Yeah. I need eyeballs on this. Okay? I need a splash.

All right. How much money are you willing to cough up to be our male lead?

Well, Charles, I think I'd put in $1,500, but I'm telling you, I

need a sex scene, and it needs to be two Chiquitas.

Hi, everyone.

Have you ever wanted to star in a low-budget, independent...

Horror slasher film. Well, now's your chance.

Cut, cut, cut. We can't say horror independent slasher film because

everyone wants to be in a big Hollywood budget kind of movie. You know, with,

like, celebrities and stuff like that. It sounds cheap otherwise.

I wouldn't... Talk it out.

Okay. Hey, everyone.

If you ever wanted to star in an independent horror film, well, now's

your chance.

We got to make them think we're making a big budget Hollywood slasher film.

Do you get it, Charles?

Yeah, I get it. I just don't want to get stuck making these horrible fucking

commercials. So whatever you say, I'll go with.

Okay, let's do it again. This time, I think, Jess, you're going to have to do

more leading in this. You want to be in my next movie directed by the amazing

and handsome Charles?

And starring Teddy as well.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Tony, why don't you tell us about our cast?

Um...

Why don't you just try to get as many A-list actors as possible?

Can't go wrong with celebs.

We don't want to say try.

If you say you already have celebrities, then it's like more people are going to

join. Now there's a siren and we're not going to be able to finish doing this.

This is ridiculous.

Come on.

Why don't we bring Tina on board?

You know, I separated from her for a reason.

Those fucking chattering teeth and that big mouth.

Let me look at what we have here. Okay. Let's just cut for a second. All right,

guys. Moment of truth.

With the click of a button, our lives could change in an instant.

I really hope we could make good on all those promises that we made in the

pitch.

Don't worry, Charles. If people, you know, don't donate or we have any

problems, we can always do that perk I told you when someone could play my

girlfriend or boyfriend in the movie. I know someone will do it. Don't worry. We

got this. We're making it already.

Yeah. yeah and teddy look i said we would hold on to that and you know we'll

talk about it later all right don't let it slip away it's a good i'm not i'm not

i'm not okay guys um all right we're gonna do this um all right here we go

i'm gonna i'm gonna press the button okay drum roll please all right let's do

it together because i feel like that's better luck all right okay okay two one

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Hey guys, Jess here with all of my friends. We got Teddy, Tony, and

Charles. And we're letting you guys know about our brand new project, Pay to Die,

which you guys can star in. There's even a perk to act with you, Jess, right?

That's right. For $1,000, you could be in a scene with me. And for $5,000, I'll

even make out with you.

But the coolest perk we have, though, is the die in the film perk. For only $5

,000, you guys can have a gory, gross-out death scene in the movie.

But also, tell them about the Philippines. Tell them, Jess.

You get underpants, and they're mine, and they're not that expensive.

It's quite a deal. They range from different colors and different

conditions all the way through and... To mint. To mint condition. You can also

purchase Dr. Herbert's Love Goo. That's right. Please do me a favor. Help us

make our dream come true. Make your pledge, because we've got the all-new

Pink One. The very first camera on the line. It's a unique opportunity that you

should take advantage of. Change your life today with Pay to Die.

Boss, do you know what this is?

Something that even you hasn't seen in a long time. The Burbank reported.

They're talking about you, which is why you have to eat.

You have to eat. Because you're skinny, boss. You're way too skinny.

There's a hurricane coming. You might fly away.

I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry.

Open up the choo-choo train.

Come on, boss.

No, I'm not hungry.

Please, I'm not hungry.

I'm not hungry.

I have such regrets.

Why did my last film have to be a fucking golf movie with that deep-voiced

Romano guy?

Why couldn't we get that fat little guy from the twins?

It's not too late for a comeback.

You can be the comeback kid. That's who you are, the comeback kid. And I'm sure

your lovely wife will be more than happy to see you get out of the house.

Ooh, that sounds like a splendid idea.

The last few years, all you've been doing is moping around like an old dog.

You sure you won't miss me too much?

What about our board games and sexy sleepovers?

Oh, God.

Another night of you trying on my lingerie?

I'm going to kill myself.

We need it, boss.

Cold. Make her cold.

All right.

How's some branco in his butler?

are going to stop the agent if he don't give us a job.

Adam. Hello. Who's this?

It's Harrison Bronco.

What the hell is going on up there, you little weasel?

I haven't received a script from you.

You're on offer in over two years.

Didn't my wife tell you I'm making a comeback?

I'm sorry. I didn't even know you were serious, okay?

I thought maybe you were drunk or...

abusing your meds or something.

I made a lot of money for you. I paid for your kids' college tuition.

And what are you doing for me?

Bullshit. Nothing.

Now you gotta get me a job.

Understand? Otherwise, I'm gonna come up there, you little weasel, and I'm gonna

stab you in your fucking heart.

Okay, Harrison. We'll try to find a nice, uh, a nice rosy part for you,

okay? Really, really bring your...

everything out.

Listen, I want you to find me an action thriller.

Okay? Where I can play my own stunts with an A

-list director.

I will look. I will look and look and look. And I'll find something sooner or

later that'll be really rosy for you. Okay?

Yeah, you better.

All right. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Pain in the ass if I ever had one.

Hello? Who is this?

Well, hello there, Charles.

A little bird told me you were doing a film without me.

You're a producer.

I didn't think you'd be even interested in a movie like this. It's a horror

film. And I just, I would have told you right away. Of course I want you to be

involved in this.

Save it. I already spoke to Jess.

And she said you want nothing to do with me.

No, no, no, no, no. Please, Tina. I love working with you.

I'll give you a second chance.

Okay, sounds good. Okay, I'll text you the address of where we're doing it when

I figure it out, okay?

Tina? Tina, are you there?

Hello?

Tina?

Guys, I'm really worried.

We raised like $30,000 in less than 24 hours under all these false promises.

People are paying for perks to be acting with celebrities, and we don't have any

celebrities.

I actually think it's pretty cool. People are flying in from all over the

world. Some guy even paid five grand to produce a movie.

And has there been any interest in the perk for me, you know, to act in a scene

with me as my girlfriend or boyfriend?

We have bigger fish to fry.

That's an important perk to me.

The money keeps going up and the cast is looking rather tragic.

Yeah, and if we make a movie with only perk actors and no celebs, the people

are going to riot and probably sue.

That's why we need some damn celebs.

Jess, I'm counting on you. Okay, I'm on it.

What are you gonna put on there, Jess?

I, you know, a couple of lies, a couple of fibs. No harm, no foul. Don't worry,

Charles. All we really need is one A-list celeb and the rest will fall into

place with B-movie actors who work like a thousand bucks a day.

Yeah, like, what about Dylan Jacobs?

I mean, that guy does like 300 movies a year. I mean, he'll do anything. We can

definitely get him.

That sounds great. I'm gonna type up a casting right now. Work your magic.

My mom would love this.

I got a job for Harrison. I got to submit for

Harrison.

I have to.

I don't know why.

So don't get them close to my eyebrows.

You know, I don't know.

Mr. Stevenson. Mr. Stevenson.

Hi. Hi.

I'm sorry to bother you so late, but we have amazing news about the movie. Oh,

that's splendid.

I'll go fetch the boy. Make yourself at home. Come in. Thank you.

Charles,

your friend's here.

It's me.

Hi.

What's up?

Nothing, just meeting your mom. She's cute.

Thanks. She looks super young.

Yeah, I made her that way.

Is she biologically your mom?

Uh, pretty much, yeah.

I have some amazing news for you.

What? What's going on? You will never guess who we've cast in our movie.

Who? Who is it?

Harrison Bromberg.

He's a real dime piece.

How can we even afford him? What's he cost? Like a million bucks or something?

He hasn't worked in many years. So his agent was able to give us a lower rate.

$1,200 a day.

We're going to be able to sell this movie to a big studio. We might actually

make money on this.

Wow.

Listen, next time, just give me a heads up, okay?

Yes.

After a three-year hiatus, you have to be on the mark. You have to be perfect.

You know, suit looks good. They wanted white.

That's great.

I don't like the tie, but... I'm wearing the tie. You don't have to like it.

Well, if they want to change it, let them change it. Don't start no shit with

them. I'm not going to start anything.

I'm happy I got the job.

Good. Finally.

Finally is right. After all the damn years.

Look how long it's taking to get me a fucking job. When I wanted to get you a

job three years ago, you bitched, you screamed, you yelled, you almost broke

my fucking eardrum. No, you wanted to give me a job on zombie, uh, zombie...

So what? Zombie love story in Pluto.

Who does a job like that?

They did it.

No, come on. And they made money.

Zombie something, I don't know. Zombie love story.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. I would have zombie love story if there's money. That's all

you care about is money and...

people seeing you what's that called what people see exposure that's what

it's called yeah so that's what you need and this movie is not going to be a lot

of money this is going to be a lot of exposure that's all that's what we need

some exposure we need to get paid level next time yes good okay i hope yeah

that's it sounds great i'm so excited this is my first

ever edition was i supposed to read something first You mean you didn't

receive any lines for your character?

Oh, I'm not getting them.

Oh, I don't want this done.

I don't want to do this one.

Oh, shit.

I don't want to do that.

No, I'm fired.

You can read off my page.

I made me for the romantic lead. If any of us don't get the role, we can always

pay to be an actor in this production.

Oh, like hell it is.

Do not trifle with me, little person.

I am Dr. Ghoul. I have a world-renowned late-night horror show on public access

television. In the Midwest, I am rated number one right next to the Farm

Report. My fans will not sit idly by with this. If you don't put me in, you

will live to regret it. Now, I expect you to give me the full name and address

of whoever the hell stole my role.

Get him out of here. Come on. No.

Hey, hey, hey.

You will rule the day!

No! You will not! This is not the end! My lawyers eat human flesh!

You fool!

Hello, Harry Peters?

Is there a... Oh, awesome. All right, dude.

Ready for your winky. I mean, reading.

Oh, darling.

You are the life of my life.

What is that? That's not even in the script.

I yearn to be with you, my love.

Um, I think that's actually my stalker. Is this not okay?

Or is this a rat?

Or is it not a rat?

Drowns or snake?

I'm so hypey.

Thank you, Scottish. Thank you. Thank you so much. I can't understand what the

fuck she's saying.

Come up for my heart.

My guts are pouring out. My followers really want to see me in a movie. They

really like this.

It's gained me almost 5,000 followers.

Will you work for free?

I think it did really good.

Really? I did too. Hey guys, I'm so late. You know if it's still going on,

I'm here for the best friend audition.

Yeah, should be.

Cool. Thank you.

Good luck.

We now have Marlee Fetters reading for the role of Jenna, the female lead's

best friend in the film.

And if for one moment to bask in their everlasting light.

She's really good. I would sacrifice my soul, my mind,

my body.

Okay, I think we should lock this down. Yeah, yeah.

Would you pay to be in the movie?

Joe Estevez, auditioning for the killer, pay to die.

Speak the speech, I pray you.

The action to the word and the word to the action. Do not cut the air thusly,

but speak up.

Well, listen.

When you cast me, I'll do the rest of the soliloquy for you, okay?

10,000 people applied to be my best friend?

I don't know if you noticed, but there's somebody out there killing us all off

one by one.

Listen, Joey, you're the love of my life. I need you. You can't leave me.

Fuck you!

No one disrespects me.

Oh, fast forward that one.

I just feel like something's off about my heartbeat today.

I cannot be defeated.

No one can stop me. You think you can keep me here forever?

You're dead fucking wrong.

You like something sexy?

And I got a lot of money.

I want to play.

I want to audition.

You know, the bedroom scene.

I'll be right back.

This is from a number, I don't know, a blocked caller, and this thing hasn't

rung since I bought it, so I better take it.

I'll be right back. Okay.

Dude, I gotta be on that set, man. This is gonna be... I'm gonna finally,

finally get my fucking IMDB credit, bro.

Okay? I need that fucking credit, okay, man?

I'm a little hesitant about the whole thing, to be honest with you. I mean...

We'll get all sorts of party treats, you know what I'm saying, bro?

We'll go out there, we'll smash some hoes, we'll do some shit, okay, bro?

Let's not go that far, okay?

Let's just... Just calm down, alright? Please.

I will produce that shit so fucking hard, bro, okay?

Make it happen.

Okay. Yeah.

Mom, you got the hemorrhoid thing?

Welcome to the first day of shooting of Pay to Die.

Welcome. Yeah, let's clap.

This started with a one-week gym membership.

And, yeah, there was a woman there I wanted to kill.

I actually wanted to chop her head off.

But I didn't.

I molded that clay into a ball that became what this is. And it is a

journey. You're going to learn a lot about yourselves.

So let's do that right now. Let's go around and introduce ourselves.

Jess? Hey, guys. I'm Jess. I have millions of followers online. And I am

the star in all of Charles' commercials and the movie.

I'm a producer and soon to be Charles' ex-wife, the one who still lives with

his mom.

What's wrong with that?

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, my name's Dominic. You can call me Dom

until I'm punched in the dick.

All right, I'm an uber producer.

That means I'm above the other producers.

And I'm Teddy.

I'm actually one of the producers as well. I put in a little more money than

you did. And I'm one of the co-stars as well, the second co-star.

And I appreciate you all coming out for the project.

My name is Ryan.

I'm playing the killer.

Put like $10,000 into this. I had high hopes. And looking around, I can't wait

to kill you guys. My name's Tony.

Charles is my best friend.

I'm the one who came up with the idea for the finance campaign, so you're here

partly because of me. And, of course, the stacked Miss Beautiful Jess here.

I'm not acting in the film, but I am single.

I'm motherfucking Chi-Chi Vega.

I'm the pimp from New York from the lower fucking east side.

And I'm fucking pissed at Tina because she fucking took my whore. As a matter

of fact, my whore and a half because she's fucking pregnant. See you later.

I'm David.

I'm the key PA.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can take them to Charles.

No, you can take them to me. I'll handle them. I'm Jeff, the PA.

I like lube.

Hey, stop.

Hi, I'm Jill. I'm going to be one of your PAs.

Looking forward to working with everyone, so.

Oh,

um, Niccolo?

What the fuck else am I supposed to say? Okay, don't move.

What are you doing?

I gotta place the tube, okay?

Charles, are you watching this right now? Yeah, I'm watching it. Just don't

move, okay?

Get this guy out of here. I gotta place the tube. Yeah, we don't need blood.

Inappropriate, okay? Don't fucking touch me. Don't fucking... Oh my... You sick

bitch. Sick bitch.

Are we ready for a take? Let's do another take. You guys want to do a

take? Yeah.

All right, let's do a take.

And action.

Cut, cut, cut.

Charles, everybody is molesting me on set. I am not okay with him grazing his

knife on my boobs.

Yo, yo, Charles, man. Yo, yo, you got your whole pocket, dog.

She can't be, like, demanding shit.

Whatever, dude. I got so many actresses on my fucking cell phone. I got Boost

Mobile Unlimited, dude. I'll call any of them right now. Scar Jo, man. My friend

figured her back in college, bro. I'll hook it up, man.

What you gonna do? Handle her, man.

Listen up, Dominic.

Okay? I let you and Daniel on my set, but you have no say in the progress of

my film.

Oh, yeah? You gonna play like that? All these people here, they're here because

of me, dog.

That's not my thing. It was like Daniel's. They're gone, dog.

They're gone because of me.

Everyone's here because of me, son.

One phone call, dog. One phone call.

Wow, Teddy, I'm so thrilled to be behind the scenes in a real film.

Getting to peek behind the curtain is such a life-changing event for me,

especially with you.

Well, thanks.

I'm really happy for you. I can't wait to do our new scene together.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. You mean they actually did the perk to act in a scene

with me? You got it? Me? I didn't know if they were going to do that or not. I

specially requested it. Jess cut me an exclusive deal, only 50 bucks.

$50? Oh, that's pretty cool. I mean, oh, wait, where do you know me from?

Those sleazy sex ads, of course. Now, if you'll excuse me, while we were talking,

I was leaking, and I think it was wet.

Well, go clean yourself up before our scene, okay?

I don't want that. Oof.

What I'm going for here is a very 80s horror motif.

Think the early Western Raven movies.

I'm even thinking about putting in some petroleum jelly on the lens to give it

that dreamlike vibe.

Sounds like a great idea. Nice work.

Yeah, it sounds cool.

Yeah, I like it.

Hey, let's go. We have 13 more scenes left to do today, okay? Who gives a shit

what it looks like now, okay? It doesn't matter.

Let's pick up the pace.

Listen, boy, I put down a lot of cheddar for this production to play my role. Is

there any way I can get, like, ventilation or, like, a water tube

system to cool down my shit?

Goddamn, why you being a diva, Jennifer Lopez, man? Just deal with it, dawg.

It's a hot set.

That's what I call a hot set, not a cold set. You know what I'm talking about,

bro? Yo, I got a raft on the side of my tank, dude. It looks like Steve Bann

fucked a monkeypox virus, bro. It's cool. Just roll with it, dawg.

Easy, Marky Marky. I got a hot jump jumping around in my face.

Fucking being real shady right now.

Uh, I have some news about one of our big actors.

It's not Harrison, is it? No, it's nothing involving him. He's still on

board tomorrow afternoon after the married couple scene is done.

Dylan Jacobs.

I just got off the phone with his wife. They're stuck in really bad traffic and

running over an hour late. I mean, this is why they normally have a driver pick

them up. Her words.

He's also in a very sour mood and she warned us we better have his cue cards

ready. Large and easy to read when he gets on set.

Okay? They gotta be perfect.

Don't worry about the cue cards.

Alright?

I'm on it. My brother Paul's on it with me.

It's been busy toking. We understand Dylan's needs about his cue cards. Nice

and big.

Six-point font.

It'll be done, okay?

All right, so not a worry there.

Charles, is there anything that you need me to do? I'm going to go grab a

sandwich. Otherwise, I'll do whatever you need me to do. You've already done

enough. Oh, my gosh. I'm so excited. This is my first time on a movie set.

I don't want to have a lot to say with you.

Wait,

wait, wait.

I'm so sorry. I'm a huge fan of you guys. Can I get a picture with you guys,

a selfie?

Okay. All right.

um you can't post this on social media yeah don't share it yeah wow

i'm so fucking unbelievably excited i can't believe

i'm gonna be in this movie acting with my hero teddy i could almost sing oh i

think i will oh i can't wait to die

Don't panic, anyone.

Villain Jacobs is here to the rescue, as usual.

Bring me my cards.

What the fu- Did I not specify exactly the font and width I require for these

letters? This will never do.

They're going to have to be redone.

What is wrong with you?

Okie doke. Alright.

Where was that strapping fellow that greeted me earlier?

Yes, sir. How may I help you? You're going to go with me, and we're going to

redo all those cards until they're in perfect working order.

Yes, sir. Whatever you need. Not a problem. He will help you.

Thank you.

You with me. Okay. Oh, Jess.

What a beautiful day it is to make your acquaintance be in your presence. Oh,

I've been following you for years.

Not as long as I've been growing this beard, actually.

When the opportunity came up to meet you, I had to jump right on it. The

cavity search in the airport was very fun, but how was I supposed to know

swords aren't allowed?

I take my katana everywhere I go!

Hey! Well, uh, so nice to meet you, Mr. Dick. Or Rick.

What's your name? Oh, Rick. Rick. Yes.

But, uh, you know, it's a good thing I don't have my catonics. If I did, I'd

have to duel anyone who challenged you.

Which reminds me, if you need any help or any protection, just let me know,

okay? Okay. Oh, oh, oh. Social distancing, right? Right, right. Okay,

I'll see you. Thank you.

Thanks.

Hey, Charles?

Charles, we need to talk about that security officer who promised me.

No, that's all wrong. You moron. I need him over there over there over there.

Yes over there What is wrong with you?

Look I need those cards on the top right gives me a better eye line. Okay, and

also here's a tip I don't want any reflection in my eyes makes me look like

I'm reading. Okay, there's a method to this capiche, sir I'm very sorry about

this, but I don't know how we're gonna cover them in and throughout the scene I

mean they're wallpapering most of the room don't go blaming the tool son Those

cards are my tool as an elite actor, as a true thespian. It's how I always give

a best performance humanly possible.

Capiche? I'm not blaming your tool, sir. I'm just saying I don't know how best to

shoot this scene.

Look, that sounds like a you problem, not a me problem, all right? I'm beyond

this. Now I'm going to go to my dressing room and call my shrink. I need some

sanity in my life, all right?

Don't worry, Mr. Jacobs. We'll fix your tool. I think it's going to be fine. You

better.

I don't know how we're going to fix this.

This is utter chaos.

They were prepped about my cards. They knew the sizes.

What were these imbeciles thinking? Come on, Doc. Pick up. Pick up.

Why? Hello, Mr. Jacobs. This is an emergency number. I hope that's what it

is. Yeah, but it is, Doctor. It is.

They're blaming the cards again.

I just want to give them a deep fucking paper cut with my cue cards.

I'm an artist, and nobody ever listens.

what we discussed during our last session about the breathing exercises.

You can't just get so angry over trivial problems.

It will lead to an early grave.

Do you think I should go check on Mr. Jacobs? He has been gone for quite a

while now. Like a really long time.

I can do well there, Jack.

No, that's okay.

Well, I for one hope he makes an appearance soon. I'm ready to slice and

dice him.

I mean, on the film, of course. Let's just give him some breathing room, okay?

Okay. Let's be ready to shoot once he's back.

Right. Yeah, we'll do all the close-ups of everyone else, and then we'll get his

stuff last. That sounds like a good plan.

That man is an asshole.

Things better run smooth when I get out there.

Hey! You!

Quit dicking around with my cue cards!

Mr. Jacobs?

Sir, I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I haven't heard a response and I'm

getting worried more than usual, so I really hope you're decent. If not,

please pull him up.

Okay.

Mr. Jacobs?

This is where we last saw him.

We've got a missing person.

We have blood on the set.

This is now an official crime scene, and we're going to have to shut your movie

down. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, please.

Please, pretty please, we have the Harrison Bronco coming down tomorrow to

shoot with us out of retirement.

Harrison Bronco?

The Bronco? The Bronco!

I adore The Bronco. You know, I love that golf movie he did. What a way to go

out. Yeah.

Maybe we could work something out, because I have been dreaming of meeting

The Bronco for, like, forever, okay?

So maybe you could put me in a scene with The Bronco, and then my partner and

I could just forget about filing the paperwork for a while, and I could get

an autograph and some selfies.

You'd even have Officer Murphy and I on the set in case there's any shenanigans.

See, you know, I could bring donuts, but not Krusty Kreme. Hate those.

Finally, a fucking runner.

I've had to leave the set to go get snacks for over half this shoot.

Gotcha. So, Charles, how was your first day on the set?

We hit a bit of a roadblock.

I mean, I'm just kidding.

It went perfect.

Of course it did. I told you it would.

You know... You're just like your father.

Everything you touched, it turned to gold.

Yeah. I'm so happy for you, baby.

I love you.

I hope they don't tan my hide for being one day late.

What can I do?

When will be the next time I get to see the biggest ball of yarn again?

I did put 20 grand in this production, and I can check it right back.

How did you sleep last night? Tossed and turned.

And we didn't get anything shot yesterday. And, well, also, one of my

celebrities is a missing person.

Oh, come on, Charles. He's the furthest thing from a celebrity there is. He's

not even a Z-lister.

Do you guys think I should wax down here for the sex scene? You know, I don't

really want any hair coming out. What do you think?

Hair or no hair, Charles?

I say no hair.

Okay, good. Hello, hello.

Oh, hey, officer.

We got some donuts for the break room.

And I need to get my face on, so who should I talk to?

What's up, guys? Are you my fans?

Yeah. Awesome. Let's go to the dressing room then, okay?

Excellent.

Think we should go get some donuts?

I mean, at least she's distracting the cops.

Yeah. I mean, she's doing something for us.

Yes.

Let's go. All right.

So, where did you get the ticket?

I really can't say.

What was it for?

Well, you know, it was like for a few things, like mostly speeding, but

also... It had more than one thing on the ticket?

Well, no, I have a few tickets. A few? How many you got?

Six. Really?

Yeah. And have you paid any of them?

Well, no.

So you know what?

Murph, she's got FTAs, man.

She does.

What does that mean?

Failure to appear.

Is that a good deal?

Absolutely. You can get arrested.

You know, if you give my partner Donnie your phone number, though, I'm sure he

can clear this right up.

So, I don't normally do that, but what if I follow you back?

To his house?

No, online.

We don't do that. Yeah, we don't give out our... I know you follow me. Line.

No. Listen. We follow your sister.

Yeah, well, she's over 18. How did you meet her?

Where'd she contact you? You're under 18?

Maybe.

All right, it's good talking to you. I tell you what.

So you're going to call me back, though?

Hello, all. Your producer is here.

I drove all the way down from Texas to get here.

Now, where are them celebrities and where are those little honeys?

Rod, why are you so late? I'm sorry, sweet meat. I didn't mean to rustle your

jimmies. You come late and you act sexist?

That's right.

Okay, I really want you to bring out my cheekbones, okay? Like highlighter or

blush or whatever you call it, okay? And also my eyes. I want my eyes to pop,

okay? Pop.

Yeah. You know, like maybe use some smokey eye.

Yes. Do you have smoking eyes? I do have smoking eyes. You have striking eyes.

Let's burn them out. Thank you so much. Can you make his lips a little pop? Like

a little pop, like a little, I don't know, a little pouty look to it? All you

gotta do is slug me, man, and I'll come out.

Is that what'll happen?

Hold on, not too much.

It's gotta look real.

Right. Oh, yeah.

Wait! That's my idea, dude.

Like, I came to bring the pain. This movie's been weak as fuck so far.

There's hardly any blood.

Calm down, pal.

Harrison at 12 o'clock, everyone. The man, the myth, the legend.

Okay, everybody.

We've got to be prepared for greatness here.

Fingers crossed.

Nothing goes wrong here.

Hey, Charles, I was wondering, should we use this lens or the wider one?

All in good time, Adam.

Mr. Bronco, I'm so honored to meet you.

I am so grateful that you are trusting us with your career comeback.

I'm not Mr. Bronco.

He is Mr. Bronco. My boss is Mr. Bronco. I'm just a butler.

You might want to try a different outfit next time.

Haven't you seen any of my movies?

I guess not.

Hi, I'm Jess, star of the movie and executive producer.

So nice to meet you guys.

I can take you to your dressing room. We have water and snacks and stuff.

Hold on, lady. Hold on. My boss has a very strict diet. So strict that before

he eats his food, I chew it for him. I told you not to talk about that outside

of the house.

Yes, you did, boss. I'm sorry. You did.

Yeah, you did.

Wait. I need to look. I need to look.

What? You call that smoky eye?

Yeah. They're smaller. They don't pop at all.

It looks like you've got little tiny black marbles for eyes there, Don.

Oh, man. Can you fix this?

I can fix it. It's a super easy fix. All right, come on. Bring in the paintbrush.

Let's see what we can do.

All right, sir. Makeup will take care of you.

Harrison Bronco in the flesh.

Oh, my goodness. You're a living legend.

Wow.

Hey, can I take a selfie?

$20.

Twenty dollars.

Sorry, I didn't get paid yet.

Hey, listen, you should take my chair.

Where should I take it? No, you should use my chair because I think the year's

been a little rough.

Yeah, it's been rough. Hey, listen, I'm starting to regret this. Look at this.

Come on. Hey, Mr. Bronco, can we shake hands?

I don't shake hands on the first meeting.

Okay. Yeah.

Really nice to meet you. Yeah, it's a pleasure.

Yeah. You too. Hey, thank you. Yeah, you'll remember it for always, I bet.

Say that again?

You'll always remember this moment. I know I will. Who's this guy?

He's my partner.

Hi, Detective Murphy.

Yeah, Officer Murph, I call him. Yeah. Oh, Detective.

What's for dinner?

For dinner?

Yeah, I'm hungry.

You're always hungry.

Hey, we know a really good Italian place.

I don't need Italian.

Okay. We know a great steak place. I don't need steak. All right. What do you

like?

What do I like?

Well, the other day we went to a Mexican restaurant owned by a black family.

Yeah. It was called Casa Yo Mama.

Casa Yo Mama. Oh. Wow.

Now, what in the hell is going on here? Now, one single person has got back to

me, told me diddly squat about when we're shooting our scenes.

I have 30 grand put in this project, and I can charge it all right back again.

I was promised over 300 lines in this movie and I've come to collect.

And I was promised 301 lines in this movie. I always get more than my sister.

If you want your question answered, the crew is right over there.

You know, I think he needs more color.

He looks like a corpse.

Yeah. Maybe you could give him some blush.

Yeah. Because this is a thriller, not a zombie flick.

And also his lips, they're dry. You got anything for that? It looks hella dusty.

Get some moisturizer in there. Oh, the nerve on these guys.

Past pain of mine.

You look as gorgeous as ever.

Clark Gable had nothing on you.

That's enough. That's enough. Stop.

Give it back.

It's mine.

Uh, hello?

Hello?

Rod, I know you paid a lot of money to be a producer here, but you can't just

let randos on the set. If they don't have a call sheet or time schedule,

they're not supposed to be here.

So please don't let anybody else on the set.

No sweat off my back.

I know when I'm not wanted. Look, I'm not even joking. I will take my money

back. When are my daughters filming their scenes?

I am so, so sorry. We just have like a jam-packed day tomorrow.

We have action scenes, we have death scenes, we have karate scenes, we have

sex scenes.

We're just not going to be able to fit you guys in. Also, we have Harrison

Bronco coming and he's like the most important part of the movie. We could

totally like try to get you guys this weekend.

Look, I should be the most important part of this whole film. I put in the

most money. 30 grand.

You know what? If we don't film our scenes by Saturday, you're going to see

all kinds of problems.

Girl, let's go.

We need that back.

Let him have it.

All that makeup, Mr.

Bronco. You look marvelous. That's way too much makeup. Way too much. Way too

much. I think you look great.

This is movie makeup.

It's fabulous.

I look like the bride of Frankenstein.

Bullshit.

Oh, come on!

Take this off! What?

Clown! Break it up and start over!

All right, stop.

Stop it right now!

Guys, I cannot tell you how excited I am because tomorrow is my big hot sex

scene. I cannot wait.

Have you decided yet whether you're going shirtless or not?

You know, show off those man boobs.

Well, you know, I figured, you know, Tony, if you got them, you might as well

flaunt them.

I mean, why not? We got to have some titties in this movie because, Jess, you

certainly aren't going to show yours. All right, that sounds like a plan.

But we really got to figure out when Marley's going to get here. We need to

get her right in makeup, and then after that, we need to get Harrison in makeup

because they're in a bunch of scenes together.

I haven't seen her.

Listen, guys, am I going to get to kill anyone anytime soon?

I think I should get what I fucking paid for.

Guess Marley's running late.

L.A. traffic is the worst.

Hi, I'm Marley Fetters.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who are you, some kind of a lot lizard?

No. I was specifically told that everyone that was supposed to be here

today was already here.

I just got done getting my ass handed to me for allowing randoms on set.

I'm not a random.

I'm not a lot lizard either. I'm here for the movie.

Well, little lady.

You must have been fired from this here production and they forgot to tell your

ass. So, famoose, I will not be yelled at again by some Hollywood siren.

Adios.

No, no, no, no.

Marley!

Has anyone seen Marley?

I seen her. I seen her ass a-walkin'.

That lady producer told me not to let anyone else on set today.

That's right.

I do what I'm told.

Why would you do something like that? You're going to ruin the whole movie.

What are we supposed to do without Harrison's daughter character in the

film?

By the way, you should probably go get in your wardrobe. This is my wardrobe.

Don't worry, everyone. I have her contact info, and I'll just tell her it

was a big mistake.

You were a big mistake to your mother.

Shit, I can't wait until she gets here so I can gut her good.

Yeah. What?

Hmm?

I need to leave. I can't fucking stay here. These are fucking amateurs.

This is your big comeback.

This is a setback.

Fix him up now.

Right now.

You're a fucking misfit. It's all of you.

Can't we all just get along?

We just can't have any more setbacks today, this is the most unprofessional

shoot I've ever been on No more. There's no budget low budget independent movie

stuff

I'm going to push him. Where are you going?

I'm going to push him.

Mr.

Bronco, can I just turn this way, please?

No, no, no.

Well,

I guess we're done for the day.

Can't shoot anything else without our star.

Good news, guys. I just got off the phone with Marley. She'll be back in 15

minutes, so we're all set. No, no, no. No, no, no. We can't have Marley back.

Harrison just left. We have to call her tomorrow.

Yeah, tell her tomorrow.

Tell her tomorrow. He left. I just called her. Yeah, tell her tomorrow.

Tell her tomorrow.

You know, water is weird, right? You order spring water, it's supposed to be

purified. You order purified water, it's supposed to be spring. It all tastes

like purified water.

Take care of yourself and each other.

Tina, have you been avoiding me?

No. I haven't received any information from your progress. I have no dailies. I

have no files. I need information from you. I've been on set here 12 hours a

day. You're doing nothing. If I don't see those files, Pirate's Gate is not

distributing your movie.

All right, all right. I have some of your files here. Just give me a second.

No one runs our pirate gate deal.

Thank you

so much for coming down here.

Life coach on call.

Uber was $12.

Anyways, what's the problem?

I am just so stressed out.

I don't want to be a producer anymore. I just want to act. Okay, firstly,

firstly, what did I teach you in the beginning?

What did you learn first? Always finish what you start. You started this, now

finish it. Life is wonderful.

And you're always learning new things, Jess.

It's a good thing. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. I don't want to be

here anymore.

Okay, listen, you got problems. Yo, I got problems. Well, we'll solve the

problems. But before we solve the problems, you're too tense. You're

tense. Yeah, I feel tense.

I can see that. We're going to have to do some breathing exercises, okay?

All right, let's go back and do a chihuahua.

A chihuahua?

Small breath.

There you go.

Release the stress with the monkey.

Oh, I feel it in my stomach. With the monkey.

I feel it in my stomach. Move your legs a little bit.

Jess,

are you okay?

You seem to be stressed.

Did you not sleep last night?

Charles, are you on another planet?

Okay, everything that could have gone wrong on this set has gone wrong.

All we got to do is split off into groups. We'll get everything done. We

got so much stupid shit to shoot before Harrison gets here. The karate stuff,

fans plus stuff. We'll get it all done, Charles, and then we'll be ready for

Harrison. Yeah, that's a brilliant idea. Let's get all the people who don't know

how to shoot a camera that paid to be in the movie to shoot this movie. But then

we'll get it all done.

That's what I hate about this pay-to-play business.

Right? So many out-of-place scenes.

This is the kind of thing that kills the art.

Come on, Charles.

We're in way too deep to worry about that now.

We're in it to win it.

Yeah, Charles, you don't want to start something and not finish it. We've got

to finish the movie. Come on, Charles, please. Come on, Charles, come on.

Perk up. We can do it. Come on. You've been doing great so far. Come on.

Please.

Okay, everyone, I guess this is where I say action.

I have pushed the red button on my device. You should have sound now.

I'm ready when you are.

Hold on, I need a minute. I gotta adjust.

My bean bag is split, if you know what I mean.

Oh yeah? Well, this morning I put on my wife's undergarments by mistake while

rushing to set.

Silence!

Silence!

Namaste.

Patricia, step forward.

Show us your defense technique.

What would you like me to demonstrate, Master Rex?

Here. Thank you. Oh yes.

What I taught you in Goa.

The one that can take down any enemy.

Brace yourself, Master.

Oh, baby, I can't believe I'm so excited to be your love interest in this film. I

have been infatuated with you since your first naughty post.

I've been on your page since day one.

I know you, don't I? You're the guy that likes to shop at the mall with the

squishy plush toys, right?

Yeah, I thought you were mentally challenged.

All right, gentlemen, this way, this way. Follow me, chop, chop. You over

here. Hey, what up, guys? I am her love interest in this film. I am her top

donor.

Well, that's nothing. Look, I got her panties. See these? I bought these from

her. They're pink, they're peachy, and they're gently used.

I've got five gallons of her bath water and I bathe in it nightly. That's

nothing. Look, I bought a jar of her farts. I didn't bring them to set

because that's a little weird, but I got them.

Baby, I'm in love with you, but it turns out that I'm just a simp.

Now, Ron, you don't want another repeat of yesterday, do we?

No, no, no, ma'am.

I'm sorry about that, I swear.

It'll never happen again.

You got my word on that.

Anybody that says they belong here, you welcome them with open arms, all right?

Yes, ma'am. I want a green car. Green car secret!

Green car!

I want a lot of money!

Honey, honey, honey, we need to talk.

Talk what?

I'd like to start a family, baby.

Family! Oh, no, no family. I was not here for family. I want bling. I want

money. I want a green card. Green card. When the green card come to me? You said

you loved me.

I love you, but because you gave me green card. I want a green card. Green

card. Green card. I can't just pull a green card out of my wallet, baby. You

can't. It's not how it works. Because I give you my beauty.

Look how beautiful I am. Yes, you're beautiful. But I need bling. You're

gorgeous. Yes.

I love this.

Good, right? Good, great. Your wonderful thumbs up. I like it.

All right, and roll sound.

Sound speeding.

Scene five, take 100.

Sounds good.

Sound rolling.

All right.

And action.

What is it? Yo, what's up, bro? So anyway, I was thinking for this scene, I

could like stab you under the chin. We get some more props. Let me stop you

right there, okay?

There's no way that you could ever defeat me. That is just complete

disrespect to my training.

You are cognitively inept.

Assault our master one more time and see what happens.

It's gonna happen, Ray. It won't go well for you.

You can leave.

This is a goddamn parody in here.

Alright guys, that was terrible. Let's do it again. From the top. Come on.

So what is that you want?

Well, I saw how you're friends with Jess on social media. I thought maybe you

could follow me too. It's me. I got millions of followers all over the

world. But that will cost you what you got. Oh, I was hoping we could... I

already paid like...

You're lying. Money, money, nah.

Right on in. I won't make the same mistake twice.

Yesterday was mortifying for me. I thought they let me go.

Well, I'm a letting you go on in.

Have a nice day going whatever it is you're doing this movie.

Howdy. Y'all supposed to be here today?

Yeah, we belong here.

They invited us for lunch.

Right this way.

Yeah, I hope they're serving chicken Amadine. I'm starving.

Are we living in a rib stock tent?

Are we living in a tent?

Are we living in a rib stock tent? Are we living in a tent?

Hi, this is Michael Martinez here with the delicious horror film Spill. And I'm

here with the incredible Jessica.

So there's been killings going on set with your film. And I heard that you're

the... producer of this project. So what is going on with that? I told you that

we couldn't talk about that. So just edit that out, okay?

I mean, I just want to give the people what they want. I mean, they want the

juice. I can't really have him filming this. I didn't agree to this. I didn't

sign a release for this. I'm not going to sign a release for this. Keep

rolling. I'm not going to sign. You told me you wanted to promote my newest movie

coming out.

Keep rolling.

There's three guys and one girl. I don't mind sharing.

I haven't been good at sharing since, you know, elementary school.

Guys, no, no. We're going to have a problem because Stu don't do slobby sex.

Guys, guys, guys.

That is enough of that.

My name is Matilda and I'm your intimacy coordinator for today. I'm here to make

sure there's no unwanted touching.

Honey, would it be okay if he touched your knee?

Sure. I guess so.

Badly. No higher.

Would it be okay if he touched your shoulder?

Okay. And you, maybe her other shoulder.

Try to keep my eye on him.

What is in your hand?

Oh, well, these are panties.

That's disgusting.

He paid for those. What a toxic work environment.

All right, think we're ready to go for this?

Yeah, let's run it. All right, take 105, everyone settle, and action.

No, no, no, no. No, what's this shit, man?

No, you gotta twist it, homie. I'm the killer in this movie. What, you put down

a little more money? Fucking try to steal my role? Ain't fucking happening,

homeboy. Fuck that shit.

Nah, that's fucking slavable, dude.

Those special effects are bad.

How did they even do that? Where did they hide the tubes?

And has anyone seen any special effects artists on set?

No. Now I'm thinking that I have. Those aren't special effects.

That man was... murdered.

This is the moment that I've been waiting for.

It's my time. Judgment day.

I can't take this!

Would you get the fuck off my wife?

Fuck you. Hey!

I want my money back. I already spent it. Hey, I'm gonna fucking sue you! And

I'm gonna take the money and I'm gonna fuck... Get him out of here!

I can't fucking take this shit anymore. Oh my god, he's touching me! Gina!

I love your boobs and your pregnant body.

You just got cucked so bad.

Oh god, I don't know.

Maybe he's not going to love me now.

You guys sure know how to show an old man a good time. Well, we do have the

best connections for all the most awesome local clubs.

Oh, yeah, we know the best bottle service, best lap dances.

Most club drugs I've seen in my life.

I don't know. I don't know. The food in that place keep make me sick. The last

thing was wet.

You're going to have to sit on it like you did on that plane going to Florida.

That was terrible, but I got you. Hey, guys. I am so happy to have you back

today. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I see you guys have all been partying. I like to party, too.

Well, I was beginning to think this cruise.

Like a bunch of pussies. Yeah.

Still have some party favors left if you'd like to party.

Oh, yeah, it is primo donut dust.

Oh, well, I might just take you to your dressing room and do some lines. I mean,

I'd go over your lines.

I had to take a break from my acting.

Hey, man, you're the legend.

To go into rehab because of my addictions.

Welcome back.

I need to touch up. Oh.

Hi. Hi.

Hey. You know, it's so easy to fall back into this dark web

of drugs and alcohol.

I think that's making your mouth numb because I couldn't understand it.

You can run, but you can't hide.

The monkey on your back will grow hungry.

When you least expect it. And mine is starving right now.

I can't do drugs. I can't. I can't. I can't. I gotta call my life coach.

Tell Stacy I'll be right back.

This is good shit.

I'm so excited, Marley, about our sex scene. I can't wait. But at the same

time, I'm really, really nervous.

I have to tell you something, Marley. A lot of people don't know this about me,

but I used to be really, really heavy. I actually lost 456 pounds, so I have a

lot of extra skin, and I'm just kind of worried about you being embarrassed in

front of you or you being disgusted by me.

That's okay.

It's all right. You look fine to me.

I do? Yeah. You think I look good?

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Maybe after the shoot, maybe I could take you

on a date and we could have a fun night together.

Oh, I don't think my girlfriend would like that.

I'm sorry.

You're right, but... But that was the one.

I normally don't talk to telemarketers, but this is interesting.

Do you own your own home? Yep.

You can save hundreds of dollars... Well, then give me a quote, and I'll

call you back. You can save hundreds of dollars... I got this. There.

Let me... Can you keep it down? I'm on the phone.

Oh, wait, let me call you back. What the heck is wrong with you?

What's wrong?

I can't be here anymore.

I just, it's too, it's too tempting. I just, I just, I need, I need something

for energy and I don't have no energy and I just can't do it anymore.

Well, you didn't do, you didn't do drugs, did you?

I wanted to do the drugs.

But you didn't? I might have done a little bit of it. Did you do it or not?

Now, if you did, that's good that you didn't. I don't know if I did it. I

don't even remember if I did it. It was there. I might have done it. You won.

You won. You won. You didn't. I didn't. I, I.

I'm such a loser.

I'm such a loser.

I'm a loser. I don't see losers.

I'm such a loser. You won the battle. You didn't do it. You're strong. No, I

think I did it.

You did? I don't know if I did it. I don't know if I did it. How do you not

know what you did? I don't even know anymore. I'm so stressed out. I'm

running around. I'm doing everything.

Oh, my God. What did I teach you?

What do I do? What have I taught you? What do I do?

Jess. Jess, listen.

You didn't do drugs. You won't do drugs. You're a strong woman.

Strong. Strong. Say it. I am a strong woman.

Strong woman. I am a strong woman. I will not do drugs. I will not do drugs.

Drugs. Drugs. Bad.

Bad. Drugs bad. Drugs bad. I will not do drugs. I will not do drugs. Senior one,

you're a victory.

You're a victory. I'm a victory. I will not do drugs. I love you. I love you.

Okay. Okay. I'm ready to shoot. I'm ready to go, guys. I gotta make a call.

Oh, Jesus. Now, what was that telemarketer's number?

Oh, he'll call back.

Oh, wait a minute. Scam likely. It must be him.

Yeah. Hey, Scam.

So tell me how much it cost.

That girl, Marley over there? Yeah.

Stop looking at her. I was just downstairs with her. We're talking about

the sex thing we're about to do. You know what she told me? I tried to ask

her out, and she said, I have a girlfriend. I'm not interested in men.

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah? Hey, Snazzy Diggs.

I love the 10-gallon hat.

Thank you.

So, me and my friends here bought the featured debt perk. Well, if you're here

to be in a horror movie, this is the right place. I think the kill scenes are

going to be in the shot over there somewhere.

All right. I'm up this damn post since I got yelled at.

All right, guys, let's do it to it. Yeah.

And the beach is this way, right?

You ain't going to find much beaches around here, lady.

Okay, thanks.

That kid's been killed?

Yeah, hurry up.

Ooh, I really like your hat.

That brim is so long.

Oh, thank you. You ought to see the crown.

Ooh. Love that shirt, man. I got a rug just like it. Yeah, that's what you get.

It's been you, Joker.

Oh.

Oh.

Easy, easy, boy.

Oh. Oh, man, you're at honeymoon.

I fucking need it.

So Gary, did you hear about the Bigfoot guy that

was living in the mountains around here?

And the story goes...

He took an acetic BM on this hiker's face, and his face melted

clear right off.

Oh, my God.

That sounds like one of those crappy Chauncey movies we used to rent from the

library. That's atrocious.

What kind of actor would want to do a crappy movie?

Idiots.

Look at all this hooch. Oh, wow.

Can you believe it?

Oh, my favorite, here.

Oh, man, we're going to have to take some of this home with us. Yes, let's

drink to celebrate.

I'll give you whatever you want. You want more lines, money, whatever.

She's breathing. She's breathing. Who is this character?

This is the director.

This is why I'm so upset.

You're the reason that she... You're the reason she's having problems with her

stress. How can she act when she's full of stress?

Listen, you can take that hairdo.

and you can get a board, a surfboard, and you can swim it and... I don't know,

but fuck off!

Oh, wow!

Check this out!

Oh, look at those bodies! They are so real!

Wow, look at that dead guy. His butt is amazing! I bet your butt can look great,

too, when they kill you.

oh yeah oh wow check this out i think the beach is this way guys i want to be

force-fed my own eyeballs are you the lifeguard for the nude beach it's so

cool not fair you got that cool costume oh man what the hell is that that's not

another vaccine is it how much did you pay for that perk

This is not a house. This is a torture chamber.

It's a... It is what it is, okay?

But how can it go from us in a living room, in a normal house, and then we go,

oh, let's go to the bedroom and, you know, cheat on each other. And then we

go to this? Yes. Why would we come here?

Because this is where you have sex.

And when they're watching you, they're watching you have sex.

Does this look right to you?

Does this seem right? Yes, and also... You would have sex? This would be a

house sex?

It looks right right now. I mean, I love everything about it.

Were you here when I was talking to Chuck?

You guys are both fools. This is... Forget it. Just forget it. Forget it.

Listen, talk to your co-star.

Figure it out.

Come to some sort of agreement because this is the atmosphere.

Now, Marley, when we do the scene, when you do the nipple twist, do it right

here because the microphone's right here, all right? Okay. Okay, okay.

You ready?

All right.

Oh, darling.

You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my entire life. I echo those

sentiments. You do?

Yeah. You do? Yeah. Are you ready? Yeah.

Take me. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Oh. Oh.

Ow. My nipples. You love it. You love it. Ah, yes. Yeah.

Okay, Kirsten. Turn, turn, turn. Oh, teeny, teeny.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

All right, let's take it from the top, people. And this time, let's stick to

the script.

I know we're all stressed here, but Harrison's ready to shoot, and he's

probably bored as hell.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

And action.

I love you guys.

We should all get matching tattoos when this is all over.

Pay to die scene 106 take one sex scene. Oh

darling

You're the most beautiful special man I've ever laid my eyes on in my entire

life. I echo those sentiments.

You do?

Yeah. Oh, my shame. I love your shame. You like my shame? I love your shame.

I love that shame.

Hey, hey, hey. Hold on, hold on.

What are you?

We're doing a scene. What are you doing? You want to make it look real, right?

Yeah. You want to make it look real? We're filming.

It's your first time. You need blood.

Excuse me? You need blood. I'll tell you how to do it. Come here. What are you

doing?

That was not appropriate.

Offset, offset, offset.

What the fuck, Charles?

The only reason I put money in was for this sex scene. Now look what you've

done. My coaster is upset.

You fucked it all up. No, you fucked it up. Where was all that makeup guy trying

to kiss me? Did you have fun in the sex scene? You have all these fucking words

on the set. The mic's falling on my head. There's this thing you've been

plugged in.

He's brain dead, basically.

Then why did you hire him?

Because I felt sorry for him. You felt sorry for him. Okay. Well, figure it

out, Charles. Figure it out. The next take better be better. You better figure

it out.

You better figure it out. That's real gas.

Cut.

Wait, I already did cut.

Keep rolling anyway.

Do a monologue. Maybe I can turn this into a podcast.

Good evening.

I'm Charles and I'm gonna take you on an adventure.

An adventure you may not want to go on.

It has to do with sex, and it has to do with fun, and it has to do with friends.

Good night, everyone.

Oh, I bet her mutt touched this.

Oh, that's so good, Jess. I love you.

Oh, I'm gonna take you to the outback and we're gonna have little joeys

together. I'm gonna do some bushwhacking.

Oh, those sentiments.

You do? Yeah.

Oh, my shame. I love your shame. You like my shame? I love your shame. Oh,

oh, the first lady just liked my shame. Yes. Oh, oh, oh.

Teddy,

look at you. You're bitching 10 over there, huh? Oh, you're speaking shit in

my case.

Loser.

Fuck, I'm going to get in there.

Where's Tina? Where the hell is Marley? It's like everyone just disappeared.

I have a very important announcement to make.

I've planted explosions.

And this little device, I like to call it my action stick.

And when I press this button, it'll bring the house down.

Bring the house down!

I don't want to die. I'm too young and hot to die.

I've been an actor my whole and entire life.

It's all gone to hell in the handbasket. It's dried up overnight.

Crowdfunding! Pay to play!

Has anyone among you even taken a little glance at my demo reel or my audition

tape? Of course!

Speak the speech, I pray you.

Fit the action to the word and the word to the action. Do not cut the air

thusly, but speak up.

Well, listen, when you cast me, I'll do the rest of the soliloquy for you, okay?

Joe Estevez, auditioning for the killer, pay to die.

End scene.

You were too busy running to the bank.

Cashing the checks from those delusional sycophant people that think they're

actors!

I am not the last of this breed!

There will be plenty of more real actors like me to carry on this work.

Still no response?

Oh, I'm going to go in there and take some action now.

This only is not going to be pretty.

Are there any of you?

They would like to say, action!

I guess I'll just have to do it by myself.

No one touches my Jess!

Oh my god, Rick!

Rick, you're my hero! How can I repay you?

Well, it sure would be nice if you all followed me back.

Rick, I'll follow you back. I'll follow you. I'll follow you right now.

I'll follow you. All five accounts?

Yeah, all five.

What does this button do?

Did anyone really think this movie sounded like a good idea? Anybody that

would pay money to be in a movie is a loser!

You're not going to get me to pay to be in one?

Yeah, I might get myself to act in one.

It's time for crowdfunding to die!

In case you haven't heard, a bunch of people who paid.

To be in a horror film got killed.

Apparently anybody can act in the film. It's being crowdfunded so you can pay to

play, as they say.

And you can star in the witness.

Crowdfunding, so where I give my hard-earned money to a shitty director

so that they can make their terrible movie? I guess it's better than some

corporate machine making movies in a boardroom by committee.

Pretty sure this is gonna cause a bunch of Eevees to try to crowdfund their next

masterpiece. According to the info I gathered, crowdfunding online has been a

thing for over a decade.

And I think it's a great opportunity to get the community together to help

someone fund a project that they normally would not be able to afford.

Twenty years ago, I was in a bad horror film, but I didn't pay to be in that

one. I'm gonna put in one K.

I'm glad I didn't get casted, though. I might have been killed.

Well, I can't believe I almost gave money to star in that film.

i think it's safe to say this movie won't be releasing anytime soon so dr

adrian uh we heard you once worked with mr jacobs what was it what was it like

to work with him what was he like oh mr jacobs what a character he was an

incredible actor but he was always so stressed out i tried to help him relax

but it was like trying to calm a tornado with a feather duster okay this is this

has definitely gone into a direction

And I wasn't expecting... Crowdfunding an indie horror film turns to numerous

deaths. Your life is about to leave your body.

You're about to die.

I'm the king.

One good kill deserves another.

You better hire me for this part.

Ah, if this film had clowns in it, maybe I'd be into it. I might get one of those

walk-on roles.

I hope Hollywood doesn't do this crap.

No. I'm down to die in this film.

You're not getting my money.

No.

No. I would totally do it if I could be the hero.

Oh, I'm sure this is gonna be great.

Pay to be in a film? How mental.

Kind of interesting.

I think you could have filmed a guy just eating cheesecake for an hour and a

half. That would be time and money better spent.

This is David Goldberg here on set of Paid to Die.

With Teddy, one of the main actors here. Very excited about this. I'm a big fan

of your work, Teddy.

Well, have you seen all my commercials?

Yes, yes, I've seen nearly all of them. Every one of my sex commercials you've

seen? I've seen them.

What's your favorite one? Do you like the one that's called the super clear

condom ones? You like those ones?

Yeah, the glow-in-the-dark one was interesting as well.

You like that one? Yes, you like that one? The Halloween special. The

Halloween one, yeah.

I bet you that guy is bald under that hat.

If you want me in your film, you're paying me.

Pay to be in a film? What?

Get a job.

This has to be a joke. It's a scary night, and a scary week, and a scary

month. Let's see what our hero is up to tonight.

He closes the door, he locks the lock, he walks outside and he's at his phone.

Oh no, it is the 31.

What is

that?

He sees a zombie and he says hi.

What a surprise!

The zombie waves back with his head.

Because it's Eternally Halloween!