Original subtitles

Before we start recording, I've been asked to make a public statement

following the Premier League's investigation

into the points I've earned over the years on Have I Got News For You.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News for You.

I'm Richard Ayoade. In the news this week -

in Essex, one local man tries to walk normally

despite having a massive wedge of banknotes stuck up his arse.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, looks like he's dying for a crypto.

LAUGHTER

As the police investigation into Married At First Sight continues,

Channel 4 executives decide what to do with tapes

of the yet-to-be-broadcast series Paedos In The Playground.

LAUGHTER

And at a charity event in the Cotswolds,

the Queen pretends she had absolutely nothing to do

with the prank involving Gyles Brandreth's fingers

and the super glue.

This extraordinary...

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight is a singer

who was first on the show back in 2002

and most recently appeared in 2012.

In fact, she's showing so much promise that, a mere 14 years later,

we've asked her back again. Please welcome Charlotte Church.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- It's a bit like being on 70 Up. - 70 Up?

- You were 16. - Yeah, yeah, it's been a long time.

- And now I'm 30. - Now you're 30.

On Paul's team tonight is a writer and broadcaster

who has appeared in Countdown's Dictionary Corner over 300 times.

And if you're looking for a word for that,

it's OVERKILL.

Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.

APPLAUSE

We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.

Ian and Charlotte, here's yours.

- Oh, that's the Prime Minister at the moment. - Yes.

Might not be, on the repeat.

Lovely Mr Burnham, who is flying high currently

after what was an absolute walloping speech.

Better than his dancing there.

But the pensioners aren't happy.

- No, they don't like the fact that there's no more triple lock. - Yes.

- It's now a double lock. - Yes.

- How do you feel about that, Ian? - I...

LAUGHTER

I'm thrilled, myself.

- I am more cynical than you are. - Yes. - I expect you wept during the speech.

I don't know if I wept, but I was certainly emotional.

Um, but also just exciting not to hear the same old shit,

essentially, you know,

just to hear actually some innovation, some ideas.

I thought it was masterful.

Really? Was I watching the same speech?

LAUGHTER

It's the first politician I've believed in a while.

Wow. Not even Rishi Sunak?

Not even... Not even Rishi.

- Or Gyles Brandreth. - Hey!

- Have you got some questions? - Oh, no,

I'm just enjoying you two catching up.

- It's been a while. - A long time. - What was he basically saying?

What would you say the key points of his speech were?

He's going to do a lot of things, but not now.

He's going to do a lot of them in 2029, 2030 -

after the next general election. So just, you know, wait.

I think Charlotte's absolutely right.

I think it was a humdinger of a speech.

I was pleased to hear about the triple lock being changed,

cos I never really quite understood it.

And I know you never understood it.

Yes. Can someone explain the triple lock to us, Gyles?

- There was one, two and three of them. - OK.

LAUGHTER

So Andy Burnham announced

that he would fund a new social care service, cut pensions,

nationalised utilities, reverse Brexit, change the electoral system,

increase defence spending, build thousands of new houses -

and all for under a tenner.

What was Kemi Badenoch's beef with Andy Burnham?

Well, I mean, the other parties have noticed

that there are a lot of pensioners and they vote.

So Kemi Badenoch said she's against it. Nigel Farage is against...

I mean, he's not against gifts, generally, but...

Well, Kemi Badenoch says that he wants to...

What's wrong with the 1970s, Gyles?

Something massive happened to you in the 1970s, didn't it?

- It did. - Yes. What was it?

LAUGHTER

You came third in the World Monopoly Championship.

- Oh...! - - Oh, wow! - Yes! Thank you.

- Out of four. - These are nice questions. - Yes, yes. Lovely.

Did you enjoy Andy Burnham's justification

for renationalising the utilities?

And what are they?

Gas. Electricity.

- You're a Monopoly Champion - you should know. - Oh!

It's on the Monopoly card.

Exactly. He said there's a reason

why you can't build property on the Utilities in Monopoly.

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS - Stone-cold zinger. - Yow!

- Wow. - Burnham there.

Andy Burnham also announced controversial plans

for a potential referendum on Britain's re-entry into Europe.

Yes, he said the country had been very, very divided

over the last few years and it was time to solve that.

And one of the ways would be to reintroduce the Brexit debate.

And the Brexit debate was addressed on Newsnight,

although their guest didn't think

they were taking it seriously enough.

Is Britain ready to reopen the issue

which, ten years ago, split the country down the middle?

We will ask this gentleman, journalistic giant Andrew Neil.

Join us live in four minutes on BBC Two, BBC iPlayer

and around the world on BBC News.

Ah, amazing. Couldn't they get him in person?

LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

He looks like one of those characters

- in Lord Of The Rings. - Yes.

Nigel Farage had a busy summer, didn't he?

- He had a by-election. - Yes, he did.

He valiantly fought off a challenge from a bin.

- Oh, yes. - And then, for apparently no reason at all,

he managed to rustle up £72 million in donations

that just fell into his lap.

But these donations have absolutely no strings attached, do they?

I don't know where to start. I think we should just wait

until the Parliamentary Standards investigation comes through,

because one of the reasons he called the by-election

was to try and avoid scrutiny.

And he won the by-election, and the standards investigator said,

"Right, I'll start investigating again," which is pretty funny.

Um... and then he was caught on a Channel 4 sting.

- It is very busy, being given money. - It's tough.

But also, that much more than we've ever really heard of

in terms of, like, party political donations.

I mean, it's an enormous amount of money.

But I wouldn't worry too much about it because many parties

and politicians in America have been given vast sums of money,

mega, mega, mega millions, and not succeeded.

So it may help him weed out

some of the more doubtful possible candidates.

You're fantastically general.

Do you think he'll spend that money on vetting...?

Well, he's sure to weed out some of the sort of perverts and weirdos.

- Only some of them. Keep some of them. - Yeah.

LAUGHTER

- Don't destroy the party. - I agree.

Keep your favourite perverts. That's the way to run a party.

Which hapless Tory was in the news recently?

I mean, I saw Rory Stewart looking quite strange on television

because he does this bizarre thing when somebody is speaking.

I think he's been told to do...

Exactly! That's the look he gives.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

Rory Stewart, he was on Newsnight

and clearly, as a well-brought-up young man, he wanted to show

that he was interested in what his fellow guest had to say.

- It's terrifying. - Yeah.

I mean, what's your sense of what's going on?

LAUGHTER

That's amazing!

It is hard.

Sometimes Gollum can glitch.

LAUGHTER

- There's a by-election next week. We mustn't forget that... - There is.

...in the constituency of Holborn...

- Holborn and St Pancras. - Holborn and St Pancras.

- Holborn and St Pancras. - Yeah.

- Yeah, it's Keir Starmer's old seat. - Keir went.

- He did. - Nobody noticed.

LAUGHTER

Who's the standout novelty candidate this time,

given there's no Binface?

Ah...

Bisto.

LAUGHTER

Is this a commercial break? Are we doing a commercial break?

Barmy Brunch.

- Barmy Brunch? - Barmy Brunch.

What do you think Barmy Brunch's special thing is?

- Dressing up as breakfast. - OK. - Giant sausage.

Those are just rumours.

LAUGHTER

- I'll tell you. - Plate of beans on his head. - Yes!

What do you mean, yes?

He's got a head made of baked beans.

LAUGHTER

Oh, sorry. That's, um, Harry Hill with monkeypox.

Oh, and a list of all the other candidates standing

- are on your screen now. - So what's his... What's the name of his party?

He is the Monster Raving Loony Party, I think.

- Ah. - Ah. - Ah, right, yes.

I do remember them with great affection.

They stepped down when I stood for Parliament, you know.

Well, their work was done.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the Labour Party Conference.

A nostalgic reference to a miner's lamp

was made in the speech by Chancellor John Healey.

I'm guessing he likes being in mines, as down there,

the sunlight can't kill him.

One candidate who's not standing

in the Holborn and St Pancras by-election is...

After his good showing in Clacton,

he's worried he might actually get elected as an MP

and doesn't want to become a much-derided joke figure.

- Paul and Gyles, here's yours. - Yes. - Oh, Lord.

- OK. Bushes. - Uh... - Oh! - Oh!

Farmer on the phone.

And this is the incident that happened at the weekend.

- This is RAF Fairford. - Mm.

- Four lads in those vans, or one of those vans. - Yeah.

They turn up. We don't quite know why,

- but President Trump does. - Yeah.

And he phones the local Chief Constable to congratulate him

on arresting the people that he, Trump, discovered at RAF Fairford.

It's a mystery. The point is, it's a mystery.

- Four lads turn up in vans. - Why are they "lads"?

- Because they're young men. - Yeah. - It's quite matey.

Yeah. Indeed. Cos they look like friendly types.

- I've seen them. - Yeah.

- The Prime Minister has said... - Yes.

...there is a connection with Iran.

So I'm just saying, I don't think they are "lads".

They've taken a wrong path, but we can get them back on a good track.

We don't know. You're presuming.

I am, I'm sorry, Gyles.

Here we are. I mustn't judge. I must judge less.

Donald Trump did have plenty to say about the incident,

even going as far as to explain it

in terms a five-year-old would understand.

LAUGHTER

Donald Trump's timing is always very good. Have a look at this.

Other countries are not doing as well.

Even President Xi, the first thing he said to me,

"Wow, you've done a good job." He said that in Chinese, by the way.

LAUGHTER

Andy Burnham had his first meeting with Donald Trump recently.

- How did that go? - He liked him. - Yeah. - He's a likeable guy.

He is a likeable guy. Nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with that. You know, Ian, you've got to just get a grip.

LAUGHTER

- This is going to get you down. - He's a lovely lad, Ian.

He's just a lad.

I appreciate my problem is I like everybody.

- Your problem is you like nobody. - Yep.

Let's meet in the middle and like some people, not like others.

Yeah, that seems extreme to me.

Let's have a picture of Burnham and Trump together.

- Yeah. - Some people said Burnham looked nervous,

- but I thought he looked a bit more... - Yeah.

LAUGHTER

- Oh! - Nothing wrong with that.

- Shall we have a quick Missing Word round with JD Vance? - Yeah. - Oh, yes.

OK, here it is.

Oh, I heard this. It's an American TV show

- and I can't remember what it was. - Is it Fox News? - The answer is...

- Oh, it's charming. - Emily In Paris. - But that is charming. - OK.

Can't deny Emily In Paris is charming.

- We're not saying it's not charming. - I'm just asserting it's charming.

- No-one's saying it's not charming. - Look...

Gyles, we're not here to list charming things.

LAUGHTER

It's incontrovertible that Emily In Paris is charming.

No, it isn't.

LAUGHTER

Well...

- ...it's filmed in Croatia, and her real name's Mary. - Is that true?

While we're on the subject of Trump lackeys, can you tell me

what Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick's new nickname is?

Klutznicks!

No.

After several sycophantic appearances praising Trump,

he's now being referred to as...

- Oh! - Oh!

Very good.

- Is that charming, Gyles? - No.

It's literally bollocks.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We're moving to a subject close to Trump's heart - intelligence.

- Yes. - Ah!

How does he want to rebrand artificial intelligence,

Donald Trump?

- Super intelligence. - Yeah.

- Well done. - Yeah.

They've been talking the last couple of weeks about how AI

could finish off humanity, but they haven't said how.

And I can understand that, in case AI is going,

"Oh, yeah, I hadn't thought of that."

I don't know exactly what it's going to do, but I don't want to know.

Well, let's look at how they're doing so far

because we've got some exciting footage from the Robot Olympics.

Oh, great.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

It seems that they've managed to get this technology

to the point of pissed humans.

We've always found it funny, you know,

physical slapstick, people falling over, you know, loss of dignity,

and the fact that these things are so technologically advanced

and yet when they fall over, they look just ridiculous and silly

is something that we can treasure

- as we are marched in towards the death camps. - Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Done me head in there.

Well, this is the ongoing incident at RAF Fairford.

After being interrogated by police,

the suspects have now all been released on bail,

to the surprise of Donald Trump, who exclaimed...

Beats me, Donald. How do you give the presidency to a sexual abuser?

APPLAUSE

- So we arrive at Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit Of News. - Mm.

OK, fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your first story.

BUZZER

Well, this is Manchester City.

They've been found guilty of not declaring all the money

that they were bringing in,

sponsoring, secret money coming in from the owners.

Yes, exactly. This is news that Manchester City

have been found guilty of 114 charges of financial misconduct.

Obviously, I'm very across this story, um...

...but would anyone like to explain what Manchester City is?

Yeah.

What punishment do you think would be appropriate for this?

- Relegation. - Oh, you should have to play the next five games

without wearing boots.

- And not be told where the match is being held. - Yes.

There are complaints of unfairness.

Here's one impassioned fan on BBC Radio 5 Live.

Manchester has a fine tradition of facing laws

that were not fair and resisting them,

such as the Suffragettes, such as Peterloo.

We're going to continue that tradition,

and when we see laws that are blatantly unfair,

we will resist them.

I'm sorry, but I think the idea that City are like Emmeline Pankhurst

is beyond ridiculous.

The massacre of Peterloo is hardly fair, is it?

Well, no. They might be stripped of all seven major trophies they won

between 2000 and...

That's slightly different to being massacred by a bunch of dragoons,

isn't it?

Sorry. All seven major trophies.

One man is trying to stay optimistic.

It's not Gyles. Celebrity fan "Lee-am Gallagaaar".

- Ah. - Oh, yeah.

He wrote on X on Sunday...

APPLAUSE

Staying with football, which match proved controversial recently?

- Ireland versus Israel. - Yes.

- Ah. - In protest at the conflict in Gaza,

Irish players bowed their heads during Israel's national anthem

and wore black armbands.

I mean, just don't play if you want to make that statement.

I think then they wouldn't qualify, so it'd be hurting themselves.

Oh, right. So the sport's more important.

Well, who else has got into hot water over Israel recently?

Ed Sheeran has been performing in America,

and the support acts were dropped

because they had expressed pro-Palestine views.

Ed Sheeran said, "I am not a political person.

"I'm here simply to entertain. I will carry on singing."

But it was not his fault.

The decision was made by the producer,

who owned all the stadia in which he was going to appear.

That's what he said.

You don't even believe what Ed Sheeran is saying now!

If you don't believe what Ed Sheeran is saying,

what hope is there for you?

You could cancel the tour. He is not a poor person.

He could say, "I will not be dictated to

"by the people who own the stadium."

The thing is, is that there were many, many more tour dates

and the one promoter who wanted Macklemore cancelled,

that was only for a few of the tour dates,

and Ed Sheeran cancelled Macklemore from all of them.

So there's no way that Ed Sheeran

wasn't a part of those conversations,

in my experience of being an artist, touring and such.

Should we see a picture of Macklemore

so we know who we're talking about?

There he is in a former role as Pat Butcher.

Also, there is a support slot going now, Charlotte.

- I'm all right. I would never. - OK.

I don't think that we're at a point in human existence

where anybody can be apolitical.

I just don't think that you can go, "I'm just an entertainer here."

- - Well, this is a bit disappointing

because I was going to ask you to sing at my funeral.

- Of course. - Is it coming soon?

- It could be. - Keep next Wednesday clear. - No!

Well, this is the news of Manchester City's dubious financial dealings.

Rumour has it that Man City could be hit

with a massive 60-point deduction,

which would leave them on -45 points,

just two points above Tottenham.

APPLAUSE

Following the intense game against Ireland,

the Israel team were at least able to relax

on their flight home to Tel Aviv.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next story.

BUZZER

Oh, yes! I know all about this.

He's born again!

- It's Miss England and Mr England. - Thank you.

- Miss England had thousands of people applying... - Yeah.

...young women aged between 17 and 25.

Mr England is also looking for young men aged between 17 and 25,

but also they've only had seven people apply.

- You're right, you're right. - Is that the gist of it?

- It's more than the gist. You seem terrifyingly across this. - Yeah.

APPLAUSE

- I'm proud to say... - Can we get security in here?

This is the worrying... I mean, nearly terrifying news

that the country is running out of hunks.

They may have to resort to what they had to do two years ago,

which was...

Well, that's not going to end well.

Well, been there. It's a day out.

Anyone here fancy stepping up for Queen and country?

- Queen and country? - Yeah. - Did you not hear the news?

- Have you seen a stamp lately? - Yes.

One person organisers might have their eye on

is 73-year-old snack Tony Blair,

after his pictures coming out of the gym recently

looking like a hot mess.

- Look at those guns. - I went to his last dinner at Chequers.

What, he's dying?

- Such a weird invitation to accept. - Did you sing?

- I didn't, no. No, I didn't sing. - Oh.

- Yeah, we just went and hung out and it was deeply bizarre. - Yeah.

I got given a crucifix at some point.

- You were given a crucifix? - Yeah.

During the exorcism or afterwards?

Was Peter Mandelson there? Was it necessary?

OK, fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's another one for you.

BUZZER

Charles Spencer has produced a book called Swan Song,

which is a celebration of his late sister,

in which he has said some controversial things

that he alleges the King said at the time of Diana's death.

- - That King Charles was giddy with joy at the news.

- Yes. - Like a lottery winner.

"Strangely matter-of-fact," he said in the same sentence.

I'm not saying a lot of the book doesn't make sense,

- but it doesn't. - Yes, well...

- Have you read it already? - Yeah. Self-serving bollocks. - Is it?

I've been into that book shop.

There's no staff there.

What was Buckingham Palace's response to the accusations?

Well, it was a version of "recollections may vary,"

which was a not-very-subtle suggestion

that the Earl had made it up.

A spokesman for the palace said...

Came a long way from the first draft of, "Dear lying tosser..."

He's not a reliable narrator,

and there are a number of incidents in the book which he's recounted

which turn out not to be true or he's got the details wrong.

I mean, Charles Spencer sued me.

So, you know, we have a friendly relationship.

- Who won? - I'm afraid we did.

There was a suggestion that he was making money out of Hello magazine,

and negotiating to be paid a lot of money to write stories

about himself and his house, and, you know, his family.

And he said this wasn't true.

And then we printed the invoices

- and the letter from him negotiating the fee. - Mm.

So recollections may vary.

And indeed, Piers Morgan has entered the fray,

because there is clearly a mistake.

He says Piers Morgan was editing a certain newspaper at a time

when pictures appeared of Diana, when Piers Morgan wasn't editing.

- It was The Mirror. - That's true.

That detail was wrong, and lots of other people have picked up

- other things in there. - Well, it's such a...

It's a technicality, do you know what I mean?

No, you can't say someone did something at a certain date,

which they didn't do cos they weren't there at the time.

You obviously haven't heard the song, Shaggy, It Wasn't Me.

- Hang on. - That's very much the spine of that narrative.

- Piers Morgan was editor of the News Of The World... - Mm.

...and got into a great deal of trouble because one of his reporters

took a long-lens photo shot of Earl Spencer's wife,

- who was in a clinic, ill. - Oh.

Yes, and even Rupert Murdoch thought that Piers had gone too far.

So, from a very long time ago, Earl Spencer does not like Piers,

and Piers does not like Earl Spencer.

And I don't like either of them.

Very well.

APPLAUSE

I am proud to say that I am a patron of the National Piers Society,

which protects our seaside piers and...

LAUGHTER

...supported for a long time to come.

So he needs to get himself down to the beach and he'll be fine.

There's always a positive side to every story.

There certainly is.

Tell us about the Third Reich, Gyles.

In other royal news, Prince Harry recently completed

a skydive to honour a request from...

Presumably the request was,

"Why don't you stop moaning and throw yourself out of a plane?"

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

The publication for worm lovers.

And we start with...

...animals given early release.

Oh, yes!

Embarrassment at zoo after zebras discovered

to be donkeys wearing striped pyjamas.

The error was made by Chester Zoo. Here's what appeared

on their website selling tickets for the tour.

Yeah, it's the most embarrassing blunder made in Chester since 1992,

when they elected Gyles Brandreth as their MP.

Still got it. Next...

An earthworm could do a better job

of hosting Have I Got News For You than...

- No, it doesn't matter. - Yeah, yeah.

...better job of aerating your grass.

Yes. An earthworm could do a better job

of improving your soil than any machine.

- Ooh! - I'm cleverer than I thought.

This is from Wiggly Wigglers, who, inspired by the humble earthworm,

have just announced their new Soil and Sense range, which includes...

Coincidentally, two of the scented candles

in Gwyneth Paltrow's new range.

Finally...

- - Emotional maturity.

- - Oh! Oh, well, record turnout at gathering of men

with wiggly wigglers.

This is the heaviest marrow competition at Stubton Village Hall

- in Lincolnshire. Here are the entrants. - Oh!

Either that or it's one hell of a queue at the local STD clinic.

So the final scores are...

...Ian and Charlotte have 3,

Paul and Gyles have 6!

Wahey! APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

"Excuse me, sir, if you are going to be buggered by a bear,

"can you do it on the pavement?"

"I don't make the rules, sir. I don't make the rules."

The policeman says, he says, "Where did you get that?"

And the bear says, "I won him in a raffle."

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Charlotte Church. Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth.

And I leave you with news that Clarence House denies

there are too many sycophants in the royal entourage

after King Charles drops a contact lens.

In Edinburgh, the council launches an expensive new initiative

to polish the city's banisters.

And, on holiday in the Maldives, Michael Gove tests out

the selfie function on his new underwater camera.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE