Original subtitles

It's not exactly what I was looking for.

Oh, wait a minute, Bob. This is not the only option we've got for you.

Phil.

Uh, oh, uh, yeah.

Why do it like that in Gray Asparagus when you can do it completely

differently in Hunter Green?

Thank you for your time.

Bob. Bob?

Have a seat.

Who's that?

It's Chris Myers.

One of our brightest young junior execs.

He's very, very bright.

You got 60 seconds.

Say hello.

To the Creighton Koala.

He's soft, cuddly, absorbent.

I present to you the new face of Creighton Bath Tissue.

You got yourselves a client.

Yeah!

You should admit it, buddy. You really saved my ass.

You've got a big raise coming to you. You better believe it, you bastard.

Let's go get me pregnant. Sounds like a plan.

Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris!

Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris!

Chris I need that bad boy ASA quick as possible.

Yeah, no, I got all the versions you wanted done, exactly for your specs.

What's that one right there?

Oh, um, I actually... actually just did a design of my own, too. I was hoping to

pitch Creighton.

Cool, cool.

Why don't you let me take a look at it? Maybe I can run it up to the big man.

Yeah, let's give it the old look-see.

That's a great idea, Troy.

I'm just, I'm actually, uh... really psyched about this one.

I was kind of hoping it'd just...

Take it to him myself.

Credit will be given where credit's due. It's just that... Fuck.

Look at that girl, Troy.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you practice the pitch on me? Let me hear it one time, make sure it's

in tip-top shape.

You don't want to go in there and pitch it to Creighton and look like an

asshole.

Okay, I'm Creighton. You're you.

Pitch me.

Well, get ready.

Razzle goes the dazzle.

Don't ever say that again.

I was trying to pick up the energy, but I heard it coming out and it felt wrong.

What's with the goblin?

Right there on the K.

No, that's a koala bear.

Why is there a koala bear?

Troy brings up a good point.

Well, I did a ton of research into buying trends for more intimate

products, like bath tissue.

Yeah. Chris.

I hate to say this to you, buddy.

It's not that cuddly.

It's got black soulless eyes.

Like a demon's eyes.

They are like a demon's eyes. No, no, they're green.

Demon's eyes are red. I think you're missing the point.

You got to imagine yourself on the toilet, right? You got your pants around

your ankles and you just want to do what?

All you really want is to get the shit out of your butt.

You want to relax.

You don't have to worry about anything.

Especially an Australian devil bear.

coming up out of the toilet and clawing at your nutsack. Well, I think that

might just be your own very personal association with Calderas. Is it?

No. No, that's the image I got, too, right away. You got it, too? Yeah.

Troy got it. I feel like you guys aren't letting this sink in.

Just sunk in.

Here's the thing. Got to call an audible. Not going to use this. Let's go

with the tried and true.

Should we vote?

Tried and true.

All right.

Troy likes it.

I didn't know which way Troy was going to go.

Thank you, Troy.

All right.

Just trying to look out for you, homie G.

Let's go, Troy.

I mean, I don't care if he's technically your superior. You don't have to take

that shit off him, man.

Well, technically I do. That's what superior means.

Good morning, Chris.

Hey.

Jared?

Are you sleeping with Brenda again?

No, not presently.

But I just got to tell you, man, there is something about that girl.

She just unleashes something primal in me.

Oh, I know what you mean.

Hey, hey.

What's up?

You ladies gossiping again about all the hot guys in the office? Oh, busted.

Yeah, Chris and I were just talking about stripping down our bra and panties

and having a little tickle fight. If you're interested in joining, maybe

refereeing.

He's joking.

We've never tickled each other.

We would never do that.

Anyway, I'm actually just here on official HR business.

Just to remind you guys about the big mystery meeting in the conference room

at 4 p.m. Who?

Why all the secrecy? I don't know. Crawford just says it's very important,

so just don't be late, okay?

To date.

What is wrong with

you? I hate myself.

I'm a horrible person.

You have a heart. That's about all you have right now.

Hey, Brenda.

Just a reminder, we have a 4 o'clock meeting in the conference room.

I remember.

Hey, did I show you the newest addition to the fam? No.

I'm calling him Sergeant Snuggles.

Because he's reporting for duty, like, every day.

Aw. Brenda, I didn't know you liked rabbits.

Oh, yeah. Right, Lisa.

Did I ever show you this one?

Oh, is that you? Yes. And that there is Mr. Bumbles.

He was my favorite.

When I was eight, I wanted to marry him.

But society would never allow that.

You never know.

No.

Chris, why aren't you at the pitch?

Phil said Crayton's not coming until three.

No, it's on the books. We're 2-15.

What? Yeah, they're all in the conference room.

In the wild, koala bears don't need to wipe their bottom.

But if they did, they would ask Koala Phil how to do it.

Thank you.

Thanks very much.

Thanks, everybody.

Gosh! How can you just so blatantly steal their work like that?

Koala Phil? It's not even alliterative.

Yeah, that's the real tragedy.

You know, he's just going to homogenize it, and in the end, it's going to look

like every other koala.

All right, you know what?

Let's take care of Phil once and for all. Call my buddy Reg. He's an

Algonquin Indian. We tell him there's a white guy fucking up shit for you and

your land.

He'll take care of it. Forty bucks. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to march right into Mr.

Crawford's office.

I'm going to march right in. I'm going to tell him exactly what Phil did. Just

lay it right out. You do it. You do it. Write this wrong.

We shall overcome.

Um, where do you think you're going? I need to speak to him.

He's in a meeting.

Please open the door. Absolutely not.

Sounds like I'll make us a tea time then.

Bring your wallet, bitch.

I'm not a bitch. Mr.

Crawford? Yes?

Chris wants a word with you.

Now, Chris, I believe you believe Koala Phil is your idea.

But sometimes a person can think that they came up with something when it

actually came from somewhere else.

Mr. Crawford, that is not what happened here. I... No, this sort of thing

happens all the time.

For 25 years, I was convinced that I invented the BLT.

The bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.

Absolutely positive.

I brag to women about it.

I try to convince my friends.

Well, turns out it dates back to the 19th century.

I must have been exposed to it when I was a child.

Forgotten. The brain, you know.

So let's just let this one go, okay?

Mr. Crawford, Phil stole my work.

Why do you think I was given the Martin P. Schumann Award for excellence in

business? For beating my meat in some goddamn jerk-off competition?

It would be a very misleading name if that were the case. Not that I couldn't

hold my own in a competition like that.

I could.

I'd be able to perform, no problem.

Sure. No.

I got this award...

Because I know a thing or two about what I'm doing, goddammit.

And what I want from you, son, is for you to stop trying to sabotage Phil

Traeger.

And start trying to emulate him.

Prove to me that you deserve a place here on the Crawford team.

Go on. Go get him.

I did you a favor, bud.

If you would have blown that pitch, now the koala lives on.

You had no right to do that.

Chris, what is with this selfish behavior?

The ideas within these walls are our ideas. We're a family. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, if you ever tattletale on me again, things are gonna get ugly.

Real effin' ugly.

My entire adult life has been spent in packaging design.

I've come into this office every day at 7 o'clock sharp for the last 27 years.

And that could be any one of you.

Even you back there with the squidgy face.

If you can show the teamwork and leadership necessary to succeed in this

tough economic climate.

But frankly, I haven't seen much of that from any of you.

Except, of course, for Phil.

Come on, boss. It's a team sport.

That's why tomorrow I'm sending all of you on a mandatory two-day, two-night

teamwork leadership wilderness retreat.

Now, I will not be able to accompany you on this excursion, but I turn it over to

a man who will.

Thank you.

My name is Storm.

Storm Rothschild.

I'm a certified teamwork instructor.

No, I know what you're thinking.

This guy teaches about business.

We went to Harvard University, whatever.

Well, I'm here to tell you I went to my own school.

The school of the hard knocks.

I also took some classes at the dry ones.

Mostly web design.

But then some stuff came up. You know, some personal stuff.

Am I interrupting you?

No. No. Can I see that, please?

Yeah, it's not something... I just...

Sorry about that.

You must have big rocks between your legs.

Uh, no.

You think you can stare me down, boy?

Stare you down? No, I mean, you were... You were just talking. I'm just

listening. I was... Okay.

I'm not staring you down.

Strike one.

Oh, shit.

I'm a military man.

Navy SEAL, Special Forces, you name it. I've seen men die.

I've made men cry.

I will offer you the most intense wilderness experience allowed by law.

We'll fly off to an island where it will be you and me

versus nature.

I will teach you negotiation, teamwork,

leadership.

And if we're not too careful, we may have a little fun.

I will see you at 0600.

Dismissed. Oh, and we're going to have a little soiree in honor of Phil and the

Creighton deal.

Ed McCabe's. Drinks are on the company.

Teamwork. Mortal Kombat's more like it. Relax, Dale. It's just a silly team

-building exercise.

Or it hasn't.

Some major cutbacks coming down the pike.

How you perform on this trip determines your future with this company.

If I were you, I'd really watch out.

Trying to steal Phil's thunder and all.

Yeah, all right, Dale. We're just trying to have a good time.

We're having a good time.

I wouldn't count his drinks being for free.

That is a dark human being. Just one more and then cut me off, please. Thank

you.

Hey, guys. Hey. You ready for this big nature trip? Oh, I am shitting myself in

anticipation.

I'm not much of a camper, but it could be fun, right?

I'm not much of a camper either, but luckily for us, Chris is. In fact, this

man was an Eagle Scout until he was like 25. That's not true. I was 19.

Cut it off. They even made him a scoutmaster, and he was taking, you

know, boys out in the woods and stuff. Woods, really? I'd sound so bad. Why

don't you stop the Humility Act? Because you also won the Silver Badger, which

is, like, the highest award that Boy Scouts give out. So we're in good hands.

It's the Beaver.

Excuse me?

It's the Silver Beaver.

Minor distinction.

Silver Beaver?

Well, that's a terrible name.

I'm sorry. If I knew that was the name, I would not have brought it up.

Thanks so much.

Well, it'll be really good to have you out there, Silver Beaver.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't believe I have to spend a weekend on an island with Phil.

You've got to relax, man.

That guy's not worth it.

Don't do that. I don't want to show up smelling like pot. You shouldn't have

picked me up then.

You know, he spends 200 bucks a month on internet porn.

And it's all Filipino anal brutality.

How do you know that?

I can access everyone's email account.

Am I supposed to not read it?

No.

Come on, let's go. We're late.

Come on! Let's move, people!

This is a cargo plane.

Yeah. I'm not getting on that.

Come on, guys. You can't live forever.

I agree with you, Lisa.

Jesus, get a load of the pilot.

We're all gonna die.

You okay?

It's gonna be good. We're gonna be alright.

Has landed.

Welcome to Big Mama Nature's house.

It's just us and the jungle now. It's so humid, I'm titting out.

Where are we? I have no idea.

Hey, just remember, I'm in charge of you.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Am I smelling like a Joanna?

No.

You been night riding on my watch, boy?

Night riding? No, sir.

No, sir. Is that your goal in life? To get on top of my shit lists?

Mr. Storm, I swear I was not night riding. You wouldn't do that.

Watch yourself, Kumar.

Because I've got my eye on you.

Okay.

Sorry, Miko.

This is so much better stoned.

You're a dick.

I need your help. Come here. What are you doing? I know you're pissed at me,

but we need to work as a team. I need your binoculars.

Get out. Get out.

This is important. This is a business meeting.

Oh, my God.

Look at Tracy's breasts.

This is... I mean, is she pregnant or what? Those are huge. She's getting her

binoculars. Chris, please, okay? These are our co-workers.

We deserve this.

Oh, yes, Ashley.

Yeah, feel those things.

There's a mammogram going on over there. You know, I'm not comfortable working

here. I'm not comfortable either. What if one of us pops a boner?

Oh, and look who it is now.

It's little Jenny Wong, the Kung Fu Panda.

Because she's Asian.

So racist.

You know, just once, I would like to eat a fortune cookie out of Jenny Wong's

butthole. Jesus, out of her butthole?

It's not sanitary, but it'd be a hell of a good time.

That's debatable.

Oh, boy. Oh, and here comes the biggest slut of them all. Here comes Lisa.

Oh, I don't know if you noticed on the plane, you had a little moment. Okay,

I'll take it. Chris, I just want to borrow one.

Hey,

Chris.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing back there?

I just saw a blue-crowned mutt-mott. Let me take a closer look.

A what?

It's a bird. A rare one. Really, very, very cool stuff.

Oh hey, looks like we're heading out.

Yeah, what a psycho.

Push me, man. Don't fucking push me. Don't push me.

Well, I got chivalry's dead.

Oh, I thought we weren't speaking. I can't carry your bag then. We are not

speaking. Well, then what are we doing now? What are we doing now?

That's how I talk. That's how I talk.

My friends, welcome to our new home.

You're beautiful. That's all right.

This might not be so bad, huh?

Look at this place.

I'm holding the talking stick.

Talking stick attack?

I'm watching you, huh?

Being here reminds me of a famous story.

About some young boys being stuck in islands.

Before long, they turn into animals.

And from there, everything goes straight to hell.

And do you know which story I'm talking about?

Right, right, right.

Pinocchio. And the island was Pleasure Island.

They spent all day eating candy, playing pool.

And they turn into donkeys.

And then I don't remember.

I haven't seen it for a long time.

The whale was involved.

Anyway, this will not be happening here.

The next two days, you will be pushed to your limit.

Are you ready to look at the devil in the eyes?

Good.

Good night.

Hold the stick.

We are going to let out the primal scream to unleash the warrior inside us.

Miss Brenda.

You have issues.

Chris!

Hello!

Hey, come here.

I'm not really a screamer. Scream like I'm squeezing into your balls.

You're laughing at me, boy.

Disappointing. Oh.

Next.

Excellent. Excellent.

You must trust your partner to get you safely through the trees.

And you must trust yourself to get your partner.

Yeah, shouldn't one of us not be blindfolded?

It's my hat, sir.

It's my hat, no.

This is a lawsuit, man.

No, not to the tiger.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Tiger.

Guys,

you guys, you guys, there's no tiger.

Guys, there's no tiger.

There's no tiger. False alarm.

B.S.

Stop freaking out. Oh, my God. Did that lunatic set explosives?

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. I didn't see you lying there like that.

On the ground.

Completely motionless.

Quite possibly dead.

Chris, you're sure he's dead? Ah, he's very dead.

How the fuck are we gonna get out of here?

People, people, please.

Let's not lose our mind.

How are we gonna get home, Storm? Our pilot's dead.

Worst come to worst, I will fly you out of here. You know how to fly?

Please. Storm, I swear to God, I saw a freaking tiger. What? What?

Tiger. I saw it, too. It was like 10 feet from Dale's tent. It ran towards

the cliffs.

Guys, guys, guys.

Storm. Don't let your imagination run wild.

But just to make you feel better, let's go to see that tiger.

Why are we going to look at the tiger? I don't see the eggnog. It makes zero

sense.

You see, it is no tiger.

What are the chances of a dangerous animal in this island?

Zero, okay?

So just...

Nobody

move.

The beast.

He's a gentle spirit.

He's scared.

We are afraid, my noble jungle dweller.

Your brother means no harm.

Oh, my God!

Help! Quickly!

Stick your finger into the tiger's head!

Stick your finger into the tiger's head!

Why the hell would he want us to put a finger in his asshole?

It's how you subdue an attacking dog!

Troy, that's you! Get him! I don't want him!

It's okay, everyone.

It's over.

It won't come back.

It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be fine Do I think so

does Bucks bunny like carrots?

I think if you just move past this fear, you can reach inside and find what it

takes to get out of here. How's everybody doing?

Oh, we're great, Phil. Thanks.

Yeah, we're fine, Phil.

Lisa, can I talk to you for a second? I'm private.

Just really need to talk.

All right.

You gonna make it, hon? Oh, yeah. Thank you so much, Lisa.

What's up?

Let's go over here.

She's real fucked up, huh?

Have a seat.

What's going on, Phil?

How are you holding up?

Great. Thanks for asking, Phil.

Did you bring a bathing suit?

Yeah. You got a bikini?

Doesn't matter.

I'm not going to swim leisurely right now.

It's on a vacation.

What do you need?

Well, I was thinking, you know...

Every woman, no matter how strong she thinks she is, she wants some comfort

from a man.

And Lisa, I thought I could be that man for you.

Because here's the thing.

Lisa.

I've fallen for you.

I've fallen real hard.

Okay, Phil.

You realize we're in a crisis right now, right?

Ski's out on your own time, man. There's something seriously wrong with you.

You don't have to be a bitch about it.

No dice.

It's busted.

Old timer probably wasn't even using it. Damn it. Are you sure?

Yeah, I used to do ham radio on the weekends with my dad.

It was like child abuse without the touching.

Oh, my God.

I'm sure somebody's coming for us.

Nobody knows where we are and there is a tiger killing people!

And there could be more tigers!

And who knows who they're gonna kill next?

It could be you, or you, or you!

Any one of us!

You guys, no one knows we're here!

We are totally fucked!

We are fucked!

Well, calm down, you guys. Come on. Come on. We gotta stay calm.

But there is one person that can keep us safe, and that's me.

Now, as the highest-ranking executive from the Crawford Design Group, I am now

officially in charge.

So, if you all do exactly as I say... What happened?

She got bit by a snake.

Brandon, let me see.

Hey, I know. Let me see.

Okay, everybody get back. This isn't going to be pretty. Do it, Troy, right

at the knee. What?

No. Me?

Yes, you. Do it now.

Hey,

hang on.

Nobody's cutting anyone's leg off. Listen, Brenda, just take a deep breath.

Describe to me exactly what the snake looked like.

It was big and it had black swirls and dots on it. You're wasting time. The

venom's spreading. Do it now.

Hey, no. Listen, she's describing a python regis. It's not poisonous.

Are you sure? Yeah, I saw one when I was on the way in here. Oh, thank God.

All right, well, then I'm gonna piss on it. It's the only way to help the pain.

Whoa, whoa, no, that's for a jellyfish thing. Knock it off.

Like a storm's first aid kit.

Hey, what do we got? It's all just Dave Matthews' bootlegs. Yeah, okay, we're

gonna improvise.

I'm really happy to piss on it, Brenda.

No, no.

No puns.

What is that?

It's wound work. Should help with the pain a bit.

Yeah, that's gross, Chris, and it's not gonna work.

It's working.

It feels better.

Good, good.

This should prevent any infection.

It'll heal soon.

You want to try and stand?

Okay, I'm okay.

Okay, you're going to be okay.

Thank you, guys.

Did you learn that in the scouts?

No, I picked up a thing or two.

Can you teach us how to do that kind of stuff?

Yeah. Yeah, sure, okay. But listen, you guys, the first rule of survival is no

matter what the situation, you cannot panic, okay?

Maybe you should be in charge, then. Hey, wait a second. Let's not go crazy.

Yeah, I don't... We don't have to have... No, no, no.

Who here thinks Chris should be in charge?

Okay, well, who thinks Phil should be in charge? Here we go.

Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris!

Chris! Okay.

Okay, okay. Are you... Chris!

Chris! Chris! Are you sure? You sure about this?

Absolutely.

Woo!

I got a few ideas.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think this could work.

That's it, keep beating that fire. Gotta get a thick black smoke going for the

signal. Yo, yo, Chris.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, Phil. What's up?

Are you sure you're up for this being in charge business?

I think so. Why?

I think so.

Well, being a leader is tough.

You've seen me at the office.

You know how that can get.

Frankly, I'm not sure you can handle it.

What are you talking about, man?

Come on, man.

Like it isn't totally obvious?

Eventually, someone's going to have to decide which of us gets eaten first.

What?

Javier's the fattest, so he deserves to die.

I'm sorry if that's not PC.

Phil, we have enough nuts stored up to feed an army.

I don't like nuts!

And Javier would feed a lot of people.

All right, Phil, can you knock it off, please? Chris is in charge. We're all on

board with this, right?

Yes. Yeah, I think we're good, Phil.

Fine.

You want to follow Pocahontas?

Don't blame me.

What's up, Javier?

Hey.

All right, people.

Let's get back to work. We've got a big day ahead of us.

What happened, everybody?

They were all doing so well. I don't know.

It's just like at the office, you know? They're good to work for a little while,

then it's nappy time.

Javier. Javi. Hey, buddy.

Weren't you supposed to be on food gathering detail?

Oh, go away.

Sleepy.

Okay, everybody.

We really got to kick it into high gear.

Come on, guys.

I don't know how many times I have to say this.

When you go number two, you gotta go at least 50 yards from the campsite, all

right? I'm not trying to be a buzzkill, but it's a major health hazard. Hey,

man, nobody's on food detail, and whoever's on Tiger Watch took off.

You gotta step up and take charge. I mean, these people are just gonna keep

slapdicking around.

Okay, okay, Jared, I'm on it. All right, buddy, let's go. Okay. Hey, everybody!

Look over here!

Thought you'd all want something to eat besides nuts.

Behold! We bring meat!

I killed it with my own bare hands. Isn't that right, Troy? Yes!

Meat!

It looks like it's been dead at least two weeks.

And that's not all.

Is that coffee?

You bet your fat ass it is.

I found the plants just over that ridge. There's enough for all of us.

Oh, God.

Tastes so good.

Okay, okay, you guys. I don't know about the coffee yet, but I can tell you for

sure that that meat is not safe to consume.

I'm afraid that's not your decision, Chris.

And I invite all of you to share in my bounty.

I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't. Hey,

Dale. I advise against this.

You put up a real fight.

Snuck up behind him.

Snapped his neck.

That's the least I could do.

We're a family now.

Yeah, we are.

All

right,

I'm good.

Look,

I understand that we're not at the office and everyone's under a lot of

stress, but... I just feel that some of the language that I've been hearing

tossed around lately is offensive to some people.

I've heard MF-er. I've heard CS-er.

I've heard A-hole, BJ, F this, F and S.

Check out that B's tease.

Slip it in her C-hole.

F it in the fudge shop.

S on that donkey D dirty F and S bag, then L up that V juice and spit it in

my A, then H it till it's sore with your S-covered P-pounder.

Also, I've heard... Who gives a shit?

Hey, it's Brenda's turn to speak. She can say whatever she wants. You know the

rules. I have the talking stick.

Screw the rules.

Phil, enough.

Yeah, Brenda.

Screw your rules.

I'm holding the talking stick.

Stick means nothing.

Come on, sit down.

No, I won't sit down.

Because I am so sick of your rules.

So is everybody else.

Come on, Cal, stand up. Come on, you guys.

Why should we listen to you?

Everybody knows.

I should be leader.

This isn't helping, Phil, okay? Come on, we're all in this together.

You just want to be able to tell everybody what to do.

Watch the signal fire.

Let's ration the food.

Don't shit in other people's tents?

That's obvious.

Yeah. I'll shit where I want.

Damn right, Troy.

Look at Chris, everyone.

How can he protect you from the dangers of the jungle when he won't even stand

up to me now?

Will you?

Huh?

Will you, Chris?

In front of all these people?

You're going to stand up to me?

Never happened before.

Phil, I'm not going to fight you.

Order! The stick!

No, he's not going to do anything in front of all these people. What is wrong

with you? Stop!

Come on, guys! Order! He's not a leader.

He's a follower. So get out of my way. Come on, Phil.

Who would deny me the one who has brought you meat?

Put this in the coffee.

This is gypsum weed.

It's hallucinogenic.

Oh, this is bad.

That was some party.

I gotta say, Troy, I've never seen your penis before. You got a nice one.

Thanks. The signal fire's out.

So?

That's our only chance of getting off this island. What if a boat or a plane

came by? We can't be stupid right now.

Chris, I would watch your tone with me.

I'm the chief.

Yeah, I'm sure you're gonna make some great chief. Just eating, laying around

all day, having orgies every night. Hey, that's not fair.

No? Well, what are you gonna do tonight?

I don't know.

Probably have another orgy.

Okay, this is ridiculous. You guys, we are never going to get off the island

like this, okay? We're behaving like children.

Hey!

You don't like the way we do things.

Go start your own tribe, then.

Fine.

Fine, Phil, I will. I'm going to hike to the other side of the island, see what's

over there. You know what?

Anyone who wants to get serious about getting off this island, you come with

me. And the rest of you, you can just keep eating and drinking, just having

unprotected sex all the time.

Okay, I don't think he gave the greatest pitch in the world, but I'm with him.

Thank you, brother. I am also with Chris, but I am not with Jared.

Okay, okay, this is crazy.

I think the only chance we have of getting off this island is if we all

work together. So I really think that maybe if we try just a little active

listening. Active listening?

Lisa, enough of your witchcraft!

Phil, you are battling some serious mental issues right now. Lisa, I think

you're battling some serious... Cock teasing issues.

That is harassment. I am reporting you as soon as we get back to the office.

Go then.

All of you. Who needs you? In fact, I command you to leave. Fine, Phil.

Whatever. Good luck running things around here. You're going to need it.

Be gone forever.

And don't let me catch you back on my side of the island.

Unless you two girls want to get fucked, then hustle on back.

All right, Troy.

Hit me up with that van, buddy.

Getting kind of hot.

Ryan's belt is really bright tonight.

What are you, Daniel Boone or something?

No. No, you can navigate the jungle and start this fire by knocking two rocks

together.

You can identify natural hallucinogens.

Well, don't forget about my ability to make campfire cobbler.

I love cobbler. I know, I know.

I just picked a few berries and had some crackers, threw in a little sugar and

voila. I know he likes sweets.

You pay attention.

I like that.

How is it? Is it too tart?

This is the best thing I've eaten in days.

Oh, good.

God, I am so impressed, Silver Beaver. Thank you.

I feel like I should give you... a merit badge or something like that. Oh, that'd

be nice.

It'd look good next to my hang gliding one.

You have a merit badge for hang gliding?

It's tandem. I mean, I was tandem. I was strapped to my Scoutmaster.

Uh, but yeah.

I do.

I've never seen this side of you.

How does someone who's so adventurous end up designing toilet paper packaging

for a living?

Yeah.

Well, the truth is I always imagined my life being a lot more interesting than

it is.

I went to work straight after school like some trained robot. I just feel

like I never even really lived.

I feel the exact same way.

I should have done something about it a long time ago.

It sounds like you need to be a little bit more assertive.

Assertiveness.

Yes.

I could see how that'd be good.

Quality. I gotta take a shit.

Hey, Brenda.

Hey. What happened to your clean language crusade?

I decided to fuck that to hell.

I don't have to poop.

I don't have a BM.

What I have here is a shit.

There's no other word to describe this.

And I've had it since I got here, too. I've had to take a shit.

But I thought I could wait till I got home.

Can't hold it anymore.

I am infected with shit right now.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, I've never shat in the woods before.

Now's the time.

Really? You don't think anything's gonna bite my pussy?

Nothing's gonna bite your pussy.

Maybe I'll just hold it.

Hang out with you guys. No, you don't want to get attached to that. You want

to just you want to just cut your ties?

Yeah, you're right.

I Gotta go unleash this shit in the wild Okay, that's good. You just make it 50

yards friend She's sweet girl. I should probably go to bed.

Yeah, I guess Yeah, big big day tomorrow Jesus go

further

They're great.

They're a great couple.

Thanks.

Okay, good night.

Night.

That wasn't her poo scream.

Brenda! What?

Look who it is.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

So-so.

But thank you for asking.

What was that for? Oh, just for getting us stranded on the island. That's all.

It's fair. It's fair.

Just one more. No, no, no. Come on, guys.

No more stopping.

You know, I'm badly wounded by the tiger attack.

I say we leave him.

Yeah, why don't you let me take a look at that?

The bees got me good.

Oh, jeez, that's already infected.

Don't worry.

I've had worse.

I survived three wars.

Which three wars?

There's a storm, there's a rain, and I ride Baghdad somewhere.

You were never in the military, were you?

Let's kill him.

Yeah? Kill him? No.

Sorry.

I should never lie to you.

I never meant any harm.

All I wanted to be, it's a military man.

Ever since I was a little boy, running and... The fields in Nebraska.

Man, this is just getting pathetic.

I don't even know how to read.

Come on, what does that have to do with anything?

It's to make you feel bad.

Okay, keep this pressed hard against that.

We gotta get this fixed up.

Thank you, brothers.

Listen, guys.

I found something in the jungle.

Something you should see.

That's where I've been hiding in shame.

What is this place?

It looks like some kind of bomb shelter.

It's cozy.

It's been buried only here by myself.

But now, you can stay with me.

It will be like...

It's sleepover.

I found a flare gun.

Nice. Is this a radio?

Jared, check it out.

I'm on it.

Okay.

Hey, guys.

We can stop all night.

We can tell scary stories.

And we can play truth.

But there.

Chris, you first.

Bear me to do something.

Uh, I guess I would dare you to be quiet, Storm. You lost a lot of blood.

Let me take a look at that.

What you gonna do?

Be still.

Needles! No needles.

I hate needles.

Hey, Jim. Give me my phone!

Do you want to die of gangrene? I don't want needles!

All right, all right, all right. No needles.

No needles. Come on. What if I cut your ears? Would that make you feel better?

Okay, Brenda.

There you go. No needles. No needles, Storm.

Thank you, Chris. You're doing good.

You got some floppy ears.

Let me, can I finish cleaning with that? Yeah. Okay.

It hurts!

You're doing very good, you're doing very good.

He's a good bunny, right?

Okay,

okay, okay. He's a feisty bunny. It hurts, man. All right, try and relax,

just try and relax.

You think you can get this thing to work?

Short answer, no.

Not an eagle, not an eagle, not an eagle.

Circuitry's fried, but the transceiver's good. But the one on the plane, the

transceiver's out, but the circuitry there looked all right.

We don't speak geek.

Listen, darling.

What I'm trying to say is, if we get that radio out of the plane, there's a

decent chance I can rig something up.

What about him? We can't just leave him here.

I'm okay.

I'll be fine.

We'll work something out.

Stop.

Pardon me here.

What do you see?

I am not quite sure.

Dude, let me see.

They've all gone shit. They're crazy.

Yes, I saw Phil forcing them to eat that Jimson wheat all day.

I tried living with myself, but I was tripping balls for six hours. Couldn't

feel my face.

What is that?

It's yours.

Phil has had a statue of himself made.

Solid craftsmanship.

And they're worshipping him like a god.

I guess reasoning with him isn't going to be an option.

Maybe we should just take the radio.

I mean, the plane's at least 200 yards from Phil's camp.

He might not notice.

No such luck like a guard station at the plane. That crazy fucker.

Looks like he doesn't even want to go home. Hey, guys.

If we want to steal that raider from that plane, we'll have to use our heads

and our brains.

It's the same fucking thing, Storm.

I think I'll go talk to him alone.

I can still reason with him. Are you sure, Chris?

Yeah.

Hey.

Just be careful, okay?

I will.

Aww.

What?

Keep him quiet.

You.

Separate sticks. Big stick, little stick.

Oh.

Deserter returns.

Help. Outsider.

Your trespasser here. Hey, Dale. What's up? Look, I just, uh, I just want to

talk.

Hi. Hi. How are you?

What is your purpose here?

Wow. It's really gotten serious around here, huh?

Gone is the time of mirth and joy.

Those days ended when the great winged beast of iron and steel... Brought us

here from the sky.

Are you talking about the plane, Dale? Come on. You know what a plane is. Look,

I just need to talk to Phil. Do you know where he is? Who is this Phil you speak

of? He speaks of the lawgiver.

Okay.

Orko. Orko.

Orko? Oh, yeah.

Hi. No one demands to see the lawgiver.

Let's slit his throat. Whoa, come on. Come on, Dale. Calm down, you guys. Hey,

hey, all right.

Come on, let's not.

Wait.

Well, Outsider, seems you get your wish.

The lawgiver will see you.

Did you come here to kill me?

What? Phil, this is stupid. Just knock it off.

I would watch your tongue if I were you, outsider.

Okay, noted.

Look, Phil, we found a bunker.

Phil.

Phil.

I don't know this word.

Right, no, I'm sorry.

Orko. Yes.

Orko.

Do you know how I chose the name Orko for myself?

It's the name of an ancient.

Babylonian God.

God of wrath and destruction.

I think it was also the name of that floaty little wizard guy in He-Man.

Heresy! Calm.

Calm, I bet.

I spell mine with a C, so it's different.

Yeah, it's different.

Ah, yes.

Time for my morning juice.

Very bitter. That's gross.

To the pit of shame with you!

You shame yourself!

Come, let's take a walk.

This is where my minions toil to harvest the beans from which we make the sacred

brew.

McMaster. Well,

it's nice to see that you didn't eat Javier, at least.

I actually tried a couple of his fingers, but it was gross.

Really gamey. I keep them very separate.

Do you see the power that I have over them?

I do, yeah.

I'm willing to give you a taste of it.

I'm offering you a job as my second-in-command.

Why?

Because I could use someone with your know-how for the day-to-day running the

camp stuff. Basically, all the boring shit.

Oh.

Gee, Orko, I'm really flattered, but... Did I mention the perks?

Power, glory, any woman you want.

Well, none of the super hot ones. Those are for me. But, you know, any of the

older, chubbier ones. Barbara from accounting.

She's a big girl.

Yeah, I don't want Barbara from accounting.

You haven't even gotten to know her. She's a sweet lady.

Listen, we found another radio, okay?

Jared thinks he can get it working if we can get apart from the one on the plane.

I don't know, bro.

I kind of got a pretty good deal going on here, you know? Out there, I'm just a

senior VP, but here, I'm a god.

Orko. Yeah, but think about this.

You give us that part, we get out of here, you're a hero.

Not just here on the island, but out there in the real world.

Everybody's gonna know your name.

Interesting.

Yeah. You would try to sweet-talk me into giving up my empire.

LOL, friend.

Guards!

Phil.

Phil, please, we're never gonna get off this island.

No, we won't.

If you come back here again, outsider, we will cut off your dick and make a

soup out of it. Cream of Chris.

Let's go play some hacky sack. Got it.

Poor little bunny.

You almost got eaten by a tiger.

I wish I could give you a carrot.

That would be nice.

Storm, I think your wound is getting worse. It kind of stinks.

Is that what that is?

Smells nasty. I also didn't take a bath for a while.

Okay.

Tell me you got it.

I'd be lying.

Seriously, dude?

Yeah, I asked. He said no.

You asked?

You asked? Oh, I'm so fucking glad you asked. Did you say please at least,

Chris? Jared.

Yes? No. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm out of weed.

And I want to go home.

So what do you want me to do, Jerry? Do you want me to challenge Phil to a

fight? No, Chris.

I want you to continue being the world's biggest pussy until we all die of

starvation. Oh, come on. You're the pussy. You're the pussy.

You're a pussy.

You're the pussy.

Guys, this is not getting us anywhere, okay? Brenda, who is the bigger female

reproductive organ?

Oh, I think you're both vaginas.

You know what?

I'm even better off with Phil.

Wow, why don't you go join him then? Oh, yeah, at least he's doing drugs and

having orgies. Instead, I'm gonna die in here with you clowns. Oh, screw this.

Adios!

Hey.

Hey.

You okay?

I don't know.

Jared's right about me being the... The world's biggest pussy?

Yep, that's the one.

No.

You're not a pussy.

You're just... Nice.

Yeah, you're really nice.

Yeah, I know. I think that's part of the problem.

My whole life, I'm such a nice guy.

Chris, you're nice.

You're incredibly nice.

Which is all well and good, you know, except that nobody ever gives you any of

the credit you deserve for anything.

Or we'll actually even consider publishing your really good fantasy

novel, even though it's clearly better than 90% of the sword and shadows

derivative crap that's out there. And it's like these out-of-touch publishers

are calling it fetish porn, and it's not.

Okay, yes, there's one very tastefully done, very understated love scene

between a dark elf and a centaur, and that is integral to the plot. You know,

it...

You need it Chris. I think maybe you're drifting away from the point here a

little The point is that you just keep taking it because

you're too nice to stand up and do anything about it Yeah, you're nice

You are That's what I like about you. That's what everyone likes about you. I

wouldn't want you to change that

But there's a time to be nice, and then there's also a time when you have to say

enough is enough and stick your foot so far up a prick like Phil's ass that he

chokes on your fucking shoelaces.

And I think now is one of those times.

I do, too.

How did you... Listen, Chris.

There's a time to play nice and there's also come a time when you have to say

enough is enough And stick your foot so far up a prick like Phil's ass that

he shows on your own fucking shoelaces That is

literally exactly what I just said. No, I just tweaked it a little bit

Word for word. I had my own little spin, okay?

How long have you been there?

For a while.

This is our plan. We are stealing that goddamn radio.

And I drew the little guys there.

Sorry, Deb.

Sorry, woman. Sorry, guys. Sorry.

Ow!

What the hell are you doing?

Son of a bitch! What are you doing?

Use a bigger rock!

You had a good run.

Okay, great.

Get the radio. We'll stay on guard.

And obviously, you know, as quick as possible. Speed is not the answer. Copy

that. How'd it go?

We got him. Great job. This is invigorating. Yeah.

Do not fuck this up.

Thanks, Brenda. That helps a lot.

You're welcome.

Did you discuss that with him? He didn't teach it to us.

We're going to hold.

We're going to hold.

Hey, Jared, I'm not trying to be a pest man.

What's the ETA?

You want to do this?

Okay, I understand.

Actually, he's working.

Yeah. Let the man work, you know what I mean?

Screw faster.

I've heard that before.

Oh, yeah, you fell asleep between thrusts. Oh, my God.

That's why you ruined our trip to Reno. There it is, right there. I wasn't sure

if it was sex time or nap time.

What's that?

I think it was a cock.

It's going fast. I'm trying to. Can you please be supportive?

Come on! Guys, another time.

It's like sometimes I feel like a dork.

Derek, keep the radio.

Rip it out.

Okay, get the pills out. All right, ready?

I think they've got spears.

They're not going to throw them, that's for sure. That's for sure.

May the power of Oracle keep my hands steady and make my aim true.

Yeah, yeah, Brett, just throw it.

Holy shit, they're throwing spears.

Hey, guys!

Where's Storm?

I thought you had him. I thought you had him. You were the wheelbarrow guy.

Oops.

Oh, Jerry.

Okay, I'm going to go look for him. Stay here and get to work and get that radio

going. Wait, you're going back out there? Yeah, I'll be right back.

Shut the door behind me.

Mr. Rothschild!

Start!

Is it working?

It's hard to say. If I did it right, then we're emitting a constant distress

signal, but the only way to be sure is to actually make contact with someone.

She's got a flare gun.

Outsider!

Outsider!

I have your friends now. You're all alone.

As for the girl, I'd be ashamed to pluck this fruit and not have a little taste.

Talk about having her fruit, man.

Sexy fruit.

Her vagina varies.

I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend in her vagina.

You think you got that? Yeah, I think you got it. All right, let's go.

Bring forth the prisoners bring forth the prisoners

It's okay. It's okay.

We've all been found guilty of the high crimes of heresy and fever.

Kill. Kill.

Kill. Kill.

Kill. Kill.

Kill. Kill.

Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.

Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.

Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. The punishment for these

crimes is death by execution.

except for the fair lisa you will live and be my bride oh

come on can't you just kill me too you don't mean that

i really mean it phil just just do it yes oh yeah

good call

Oh, that's pussy.

You are called Jared.

Come forward.

Step forward, Jared!

Dale.

All right, it's funny, Phil.

I get it. It's not cool. Do you have anything to say before you die?

You're a real asshole, Phil.

What? Be that as it may.

still you shall die yes he's just he's just kidding no

no come on i'll do anything so i'm i'm begging you brother please don't we'll

be your slaves we get it whatever you fucking want don't have dale cut my head

off man you don't want to do this so please man

This isn't you, man.

Things just got weird.

Sorry, dude.

I was just gonna put you in a cage or whip you with bamboo or something,

but... Yeah.

It's what they want.

Please.

I love you, Brenda.

You too?

I'm sorry.

Make it quick, Dale.

Do it, Dale.

So, you've returned just in time to watch your friends die.

Perhaps to join them. I don't think so, Orko.

I have returned to claim my rightful place as the true god of this tribe.

You. A god.

That's right.

And I command my subjects to sever their allegiance to the false lord, Orko. And

bow. before my mighty loins, lest they should feel my wrath.

Tell me, can the imposter orco fly as the birds of the sky do?

Just a minute.

Almost there.

That was amazing.

I mean, I have no... That was unreal. Or can

the imposter conjure fire from stone?

Oh. Oh.

Magic tricks. These are tricks. Don't be fooled.

Really?

I'm not sure the tribe is quite so convinced.

So either prove to me your divinity by fighting and killing me, or you will

reveal yourself to be a liar, a coward, and an all-around piece of shit.

Fine.

I accept your challenge. Good.

We'll resolve this once and for all with a fight to the death.

To the pit of destiny!

Where's the pit of destiny?

Let's just clear out the pit of shame.

Yeah.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah!

I guess we both always knew we'd come to this, right, Chris?

I honestly never saw this coming.

This is pretty fucked up. I will say that.

Not your typical day at the office, huh, boy?

At least I do want to apologize.

I'm sorry I took things this far.

This is fucked up.

Really? Yeah.

I'm sorry.

We don't have to do this.

This is really pretty gay.

Yeah, it's fucking sick, man.

It's gay. It's gross.

60-40.

My

warriors!

What are you waiting for? Attack!

Honestly, Phil, I'm not really into this anymore.

Okay.

Okay, you can get up.

Okay, come on, stop it. I'm not a god.

There's no god here.

I mean, you can believe whatever you want to believe. God, he can be all

around. I don't know. But I am not a god, and Phil is not a god.

But I am in charge now.

From now on, things are going to be different.

Okay? Dale, Javier, I need you to get to the beach, get to work on getting that

signal fire going. Let's go.

Ashley, untie them.

Please!

I can see your boner. I don't know. It's your call.

Okay, guys.

I'm going to get you the help you need. We need to start a massive detox

program. We're going to get this Jimson weed out of your system.

You're going to be feeling as good as new in no time. And then we're going to

get home.

Ship! Ship!

There's a ship offshore.

I saw it from the block.

He said there's a ship.

They must have gotten our distress signal. Yeah, but they might not know

exactly where we are. Where's that flare gun? I got it.

Ungrateful little bitch!

I should have slit your throat a long time ago!

I'm a god here!

And I'm not gonna let you fuck that up for me!

Nice work, son.

I'll get you back, my brother.

It doesn't matter anyway.

They'll never see your white flare against the bright blue sky. You should

know that, Boy Scout.

It's Eagle Scout, asshole.

Let's get to the beach.

I got you big guy.

I am so proud of you. I'm proud of you.

You're the best, dude.

Jared, I love you again.

Oh, thank God.

You did it, Chris.

You saved us.

Yes, or so it would seem.

That's right, all my friends.

My death, tiger attack, was all a test.

And you all passed with flying color.

Good work.

To get here quick.

Storm.

Okay, I'm lying again.

Yeah. Storm Rothschild, a.k.a. Striker Hardcastle, a.k.a.

Francois Van Varenberg, a.k.a. Shlomo Rabinowitz, you sir are under arrest by

the United States Navy for impersonating an officer.

Hey, Chris, can I talk to you?

Yeah.

When I'm in prison, you'll write to me?

Yeah, yeah, okay.

After. Write you once a month?

I need more.

Do you once a week?

And you come to visit me?

You got it.

And you know, Lisa?

She has a crush on you.

Just wait a minute. Uh, yeah, I'm okay. I'm fine.

All rescued persons need to be seen by medical personnel.

Okay, um, look, dude, I really don't feel like being prodded right now. I've

had it been through a lot, you know?

Watch out, Gilligan.

How was that for more sort of, you know, it's one too strong and everything?

to Chris.

I always saw you as kind of a sissy boy.

But you really proved me wrong out there on that island.

You got balls, son.

Big balls.

Just like me.

I bet if we pulled our balls out and compared them, they'd be exactly the

same size.

You got a future here with us, Chris.

I'm promoting you to Senior Vice President of Design.

You can move your big balls into Phil's old office right now.

Mr. Crawford,

for the last three years, I've dreamt of hearing you say that to me.

This position is exactly what I've wanted. It has been on the top of my

vision board.

Out there on that island, I realized something.

What's that, son? This job sucks.

Excuse me?

Yeah, man, it sucks.

Life is too short.

You know, there's a whole world out there. There's a whole freaking

universe. I would rather take that Martin P. Shulman award and stab myself

directly in the heart with it than spend my entire life cooped up inside these

walls climbing the corporate ladder. No, I can't do it. I quit.

Oh, no, you didn't.

I quit, too.

She quits, too.

Let's go.

Dear Troy, I can't tell you how disappointed I am with you right now.

I thought we were buds.

Well, let me tell you something.

If I ever get off this island, you're gonna have to work pretty hard to regain

my trust.

P.S.

I am very lonely.

I'm so sad and lonely.

in your heart call me up on the phone call me up

i can tell you that you're not alone

I'm coming to see you. I know karate.

I know jujitsu. I drive like... And I'm coming to see you. And I'm coming to see

you all the time. I got a bottle of cheap drug wine. Pop some pills and make

some love and try to recline.

I like to drive into the sun. I like it when you're sitting. Got my singles on.

It's number one.

I know karate.

I know jujitsu. I drive like a gangster.

And I'm coming to see you.

I know karate.

I got some more to hold in hands.

Ain't something I do. That's true. I know karate.

I know jujitsu. I drive like a gangsta when I'm coming to see you. See you.

See you.

See you.

This girl ask me if she's the only one. I gotta be blunt, I say, hell yeah.

This girl ask me if she's the only one. I gotta be blunt, I say, hell

yeah. This girl ask me if she's the only one. And I gotta be blunt, I

say, hell yeah.

Well, my best girl ask me if she's the only one.

I gotta be blunt, I say.

I know karate.

I know jujitsu. I drive like a gangster when I'm coming to see you.

I know karate.

I got some mojo, but holding hands ain't something I do. That's true. I know

karate. I know jujitsu.

I drive like a gangster when I'm coming to see you.

I know karate.

I know jujitsu. I drive like a gangster. Thanks to when I'm coming to see you.