Original subtitles

The Prime Minister insisted today that construction of the new high-speed rail,

Turbo Intercity Trains, will continue no matter what.

The new line, costing more than £50 billion, plans to change lives by

getting Londoners to Birmingham 20 minutes quicker than other trains that

we already have.

However, the government has faced backlash to the project, presumably by

silly people who don't understand it from places that don't really matter.

In the little village of Crowsham, many residents have been forced from their

homes to make way for the new line, given compulsory purchase orders by TIT

and told they have just weeks to pack up and move on.

Hello, I'm Janet. I'm 57.

I'm divorced and I'm looking for someone to spend those cold, lonely nights with.

But since TIT gave me half what my house is worth, I am effectively homeless.

So...

Please help me.

With just a few days to go till development begins, many Crowshamers say

they feel powerless and unsure about their future.

This is Jonathan London from Important City News.

Yeah, the queen of the jungle Yeah, the queen of my heart

Yeah, the center of attention That makes you a star

Oh, oh, you're so

good

A proper crow summer.

Kinky.

You're keeping a nice young man chained up to your bed, are you, Barbara?

Maybe if I'd locked down me husband, he wouldn't have run off.

You got lucky. Some of ours stayed.

Isn't that right?

Yes, dear.

Shut up, you blabbering on.

Thought you'd be wishing me goodbye.

Everyone else been evicted has.

Caravan Steve, Alan with an E, Two-Armed Michael, Horsonnier, Oof Maria, Oof.

Yeah, when you find out what I'm doing, you might actually sell some of those

papers. Oh, very ominous, Barbara.

I am safe.

I am safe. I trust myself to handle difficult situations. I trust myself to

handle difficult situations.

This feeling is temporary.

This feeling is temporary.

I release fear and welcome peace. I release fear and welcome peace.

I am strong. I am strong.

And resilient.

And resilient.

I am safe. I am safe.

Oh, God.

Sorry. Are you Peter?

From the West London office?

Yeah. Oh, God.

Lift going up.

You're not Northern, are you?

Just if you are, make sure to change your accent.

She'll be triggered.

A lot.

Please, just don't remind her of anything above Birmingham. It doesn't

exist. It doesn't exist.

And be calm.

Whatever you do, you must be calm.

She hates it when people are nervous around her. That's great, because I'm a

really laid-back, cool, fun guy.

I'm already laid back called Funko too.

So,

how are you enjoying your whirl?

Oh, I... Oh, that's amazing!

Love it, love it!

So great to hear such positive feedback.

Put it in my veins.

Now, some of the little Englanders aren't quite understanding the gravity

of what we're trying to achieve here at TIT.

Terrible, isn't it?

Terrible. We give them the opportunity to escape their six-fingered festival

scarecrow hovels, and they throw it back in our faces.

That's selfish.

Exactly, Patrick.

It is selfish.

TIT can get Londoners to Birmingham 20 minutes quicker than before.

In 20 minutes, a Londoner could set up a business, find love, cure cancer.

Do you want us to cure cancer, Preston? Absolutely.

One of the villagers doesn't want us to cure cancer. This vile old cancer-loving

hag has tied herself to her house and is refusing to leave. And the newspapers,

the same ones who killed Diana.

foaming at the mouths to get the readers riled up again. It's all gone tits up,

London centric, blah blah blah, nimby won't nonsense.

But luckily for us, we have a secret weapon.

Oh? You, Hetro.

You're from... Crowsham.

You are the chosen one, because I've chosen you.

You are a villager who imagined a greater future for yourself. You cast

aside your rural past in Crowsham to build a better life in London, where

things matter.

Exactly. So you need to go there, use your personal connections to get that

crusty old bitch out by 9am tomorrow.

Yes. Are you one of us or one of them?

I'm one of us.

I've barely been back since I went for uni.

I wanted to make a success of myself, that's why I left.

But I can try. I'm relying on you not to try, but to succeed.

Because that's what we do in this city. We win.

And remember, no more press or you're fired.

Get in the net, you gloopy tossers.

It's either I save you or the sticklebacks eat you, so take your pick.

Stop chatting with the toads in the brook, you blonker.

You'll have the whole village out on a rescue mission again.

Leave it out? I was six years old.

I thought the toad was drowning in the flood.

It's not my fault no one taught me to swim.

And that's why you're the village idiot?

Well, I'd never call you that, but you know, the others.

Oh, I thought you needed something in case you got cold.

This is great.

Well... Thanks, babe.

You make sure work gets round, won't you?

You know, everyone else who lives on the line's already packed up, Barbara.

The rest are all moving out tomorrow morning.

Makes no difference to me. Everyone else is going.

When your old family abandons you, you get used to it.

Maybe I should have done what you'd done. Then I wouldn't have had to move

out. Where do you end up, then?

I'm renting a bedsit in Banbury.

The arsehole of Oxfordshire.

Not fair on you, that ain't. Then I'm much choice.

I looked up the word compulsory. It means you have to.

Not to me.

I can't live anywhere else, can I? It's ridiculous.

I can tell you, when every tree was planted in this garden and when every

stain was made on the carpet, townies are allowed to have their marches

celebrating their identities.

So I'm having a protest for mine.

I should get these tadpoles back.

How's that going?

Yeah, yeah, brilliant.

Thanks for asking. Well, the animal breeding and the rescue are doing well,

but they don't have any tubs to move the newts, and the birds need a special bag,

otherwise they'll break their wings, so it's a bit much.

All right, hang on a minute.

Your newts and me we got a lot in common both endangered species

Thank You Barbara

Yeah, sure, okay.

Jesus, you fucking came for a taxi driver.

Sorry it took so long, boss, but you can't use Crowsham Lane anymore. It's

all been shut off.

We're doing all this work to make it more efficient for the people in the

cities, but they get sonic boom trains.

We just get the asshole.

Progress going straight on past us.

Yeah, that's why I left.

Wait, how much do I owe you?

Er, that's 74 pound, yeah, boss?

Really?

Hi, Gran.

Hi,

Gran.

Now, bugger me, with the prize-winning league, the prodigal son returns.

Right, OK, so what are you doing, then?

Oh! So now you're worried what I'm doing. Don't mind leaving me alone for

half a decade.

But once I do something that might embarrass His Royal Highness, what I'm

doing becomes important.

I went to university. I got a job. It's what people do.

Oh, so you left us to rot.

Well, I wasn't going to exactly make a success of myself around here.

What's this new big job you got then?

Well, I'm a community liaisons officer.

Community liaisons?

Someone pays you to do that? Yes.

Well, shouldn't you be working now?

I am at work now. I'm doing my job.

Your job is being a nom-nuts in my garden.

I could do that.

Who's paying you to do this, then?

TIT.

You what? I work for TIT.

Sorry, Peter, I...

I seem to have misunderstood.

It's a compulsory purchase order. Jesus Christ, it's true. We were completely

transparent about it from the beginning. There's nothing deceitful about it.

There's nothing deceitful about getting my own flesh and blood to cut the cord

in his old gran? No.

You work for them. You work for the evil tits. Listen, I want to make this easier

for you. I want to help you. Help me?

You're trying to kill me more like.

All the things a smart boy like you could have done. It's an amazing

opportunity for me, okay?

Graduate jobs, they're really competitive now. And I... I only got

this job because I'm from Crowsham. And I was really lucky I had an inn.

An inn?

An inn?

A dagger in my heart, more like.

Generations we've been here.

Your great-great-grandad toiled this land.

Your great-granddad died in a hole in France so that I could be safe, and you

want to destroy our family because you needed a job.

Nazi.

Oi, gobbles.

Leave Cher alone.

Well, you better pack this thing away or it's going to get crushed tomorrow, the

rest of your stuff.

This is my house.

I know, Nan, I know it's not fair, but listen, this is going to happen either

way, so...

How about instead of freezing to death tonight, we can give the house a proper

send-off?

Get some fish and chips, listen to Tom Jones.

Would you sing?

Yeah, yeah, I'll sing all of them.

And instead of being so hostile, we can spend one last night together in your

home.

Your home?

Yeah, at one point.

Not now, though.

You're one of them now.

What? You treacherous little townie. Think you can trick me into getting out

of my house? No, I've had enough of this. Your city boy firm can throw all

the money and papers and laws at me as it wants.

Your mum left us. Your dad left us. My bastard husband left us. And

now you.

But I, I am the one who stays.

Bring the bulldozer, bring the wrecking crew.

It won't knock me down.

There is nothing, nothing that will get me to leave my home.

You know, Gran, this attitude, this selfishness, it's why everyone

has to leave you eventually.

It's all... Gladly.

I told you, you're not welcome round here.

Boys. And don't come back.

Excuse me, what

pale ales have you got on tap?

Carlin.

Perfect.

I'll have one of them then.

That's £2. What, for a pint?

It's £5 minimum on card.

Great, well, I'll have three carlins then, please.

Who are you, then?

Peter.

I used to live here.

Well, I don't know you.

I'm Barbara's grandson.

Oh.

The one who was always skipping around?

Not sure.

Yes.

That was definitely you. You was always dancing around, singing songs, wiggling

your little hips.

You never could sing, though, but that wouldn't bother you. I think you might

have someone else. No, it was definitely you, because we always called you Little

Gay Peter.

Little Gay Peter. He's gotten sore, hasn't he? Yeah, thanks, sir. There he

goes, Little Gay Peter, gallivanting around.

Now we laughed.

Oi, oi, no, that's Liam.

Ain't that little gay Peter?

Yeah, it is, yeah.

You all right?

Yeah, you?

Were you two always together?

Not always.

Yes, you were.

Because my Max... Do you ever talk to Max?

He's in prison now.

He didn't mean to kill her.

Well, he always used to get in trouble at school, didn't he, for calling you

two bun buddies, didn't he?

Yeah. Good times.

Another five, please, Janice.

You want another?

No, you're all right.

So how's things?

My newt breeding's gone well, and I've got a big new telly.

So living the dream.

You're breeding newts? Yeah.

The great crested ones, they're the endangered ones that Starmer's got on

his dartboard.

Saw on Insta you're working for Tit.

Yeah.

Listen, um... I know when I left, I kind of ghosted

you. Why are you doing a soppy bollocks voice and getting all serious?

You're not special.

Everyone from our lot left ages ago.

Most people came back for, like, Christmas or whatever.

Maybe I could have if I was accepted here.

How are you not accepted here?

Well, I'm queer.

Don't be harsh on yourself.

So, what, are you, like, out now, then?

Yeah, I'm out in London, but not here.

Couldn't be.

Grand isn't, though.

Can you do that?

Yeah. I used to come out loads of times.

It's not like you're entering anyone into some sort of database.

You were always known as Little Gay Peter when you were straight, so now

your name would have to be Big Gay Peter.

The last townie who moved here is called Hummus, so it's better than that.

Big Gay Peter is exactly why I had to leave.

So, in London, are you known as Queer Peter at the doctors and work and that?

No, people just call me Peter.

Really? Mm.

Mental, how different it is there.

Mental, yeah.

And once I get Gran out of her house, I'll never have to come back to this

place and I can get on with being the real me.

Where will she be going, then?

Once she's evicted.

I've booked her a room at this care home, so at least that's sorted.

Yeah.

Getting Barbara into a care home is going to be really, really easy.

It'll work out.

It has to.

Otherwise, everything I have ever worked for will be a huge waste of time.

My life will have no meaning and I'll be swimming in a sea of nothingness until I

die.

So it'll be fine.

For County News, what do you think about TIT?

Don't get me started on them lot.

They come in my shop, muddy boots, wanting to buy all kinds of things. Then

when they do, they expect me to have new stuff out the next day.

Got me working like a gulag.

You want a glass?

Revolutionaries drink straight from the bottle.

Cool.

So, listen, I was thinking about all the plants in your garden. Instead of them

getting rolled over, I could transplant them.

Why would you do that? I'm staying.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I get that. And the trees and that, I can't do much with.

But the roses that have been here for years and the new lupine...

I could take them straight out and I could replant them in your home.

This is my home? No, the care home.

What care home?

The one... Oh, God, you don't know.

I'd rather die.

I'd rather have my heart ripped out than be stuck in one of those death camps.

Care homes aren't death camps.

You go in alive and you never leave. How's that not a death camp?

Death camps don't have armchair aerobics.

This is Peters doing this is well two can play at this game, huh?

Hello Is that counting news?

And my name is Barbara honey bone and I live in the little village across home

You see the tits.

I'm gonna try to knock down my house tomorrow morning But I'm still chained

to the door.

They've sent some young men down to threaten me

I suppose they are willing to kill me.

Oh, oh no, please.

Leave me alone, you young thugs.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, we're, uh, we're... Shut up, you old tart. We're gonna do your house in

good and proper.

Criminal activity.

Yes, it's very terrifying.

Well, yes, if you could send a reporter right away, that would be okay. Yes, as

long as it's not too much trouble.

If Peter wants to take my house.

You'll have to rip it for my cold dead ends.

Are we?

Revolutionary.

It's impounded by the negative cost-benefit ratio.

Recent analysis by multiple institutes has inferred that there'll be a negative

return on taxpayer investment.

Oh, you don't want to talk to him. He ain't got two brain cells to rub

together, do you?

No, dear.

I'm just closing, my darling, so you'll need to be quick.

Oh, sorry.

You got any hummus?

That's it.

I'm done. Get out. Get out. Get out.

The village is gone.

You got a bag?

I would have died for that boy.

But he chose his new life over me. And so everyone's left me except my house.

If I can't die for my family, then I'll die for my house.

Even though my family are trying to kill me.

Is that the one?

Yeah, that's him.

Hello, I'm from County News.

Why are you back to intimidate this poor woman?

I was going to make her fish and chips.

Likely story.

What's the real reason?

That's my gran.

But... Don't you work for TIT?

Yeah.

And you are trying to crush your gran's house.

I guess.

Brutal.

This is gonna be big.

What have you got? Okay, so... The guy who is getting her out of the house...

That is her grandson.

I know. I know.

No. I don't know how he sleeps at night either.

Okay, bye.

This is going to go national.

People love an anti-TIT story, but this has a human interest, family betrayal

angle.

Honestly, thank you.

I mean, there's people like you that keep regional journalism alive.

You're welcome.

I loved it.

Being a taxi driver, all these diversions going on round here, paying

for my youngest to go to boarding school.

I assume they're looking at me.

Well, I ain't done anything.

What have I done?

You're kicking your gran out of her home. No, no, I'm not.

Am I, like, serious? Like, really?

She's going to have to go either way, so... She might stay.

What, you really think they're going to reroute a £50 billion infrastructure

project because my gran is a bit upset?

Oh, no.

So why is everyone acting like she can win?

They aren't.

They're just being nice.

Someone's got to be realistic.

Everyone's acting like I'm evil, but I'm just really the only one telling her the

truth.

I'm kind of enjoying it, though.

Since she locked herself to that door, it's the happiest I've seen her in

years. It's given her a spark again.

She's got something to fight for. For what?

You know the only way this ends is with the police dragging her to her care

home. They'll have to.

She really doesn't want to go.

She won't leave.

Can you not convince her?

She likes you.

Well, I've been replanting her plants.

So I can bring them to the care home.

Yeah?

She doesn't like it, but I've been doing it anyway.

Really? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they're round the side. Here, come on up.

Hey, Arcee.

You're not the only one with a plan.

Oh.

Sorry, mate. This is my boss.

It's late. Don't take it.

I've got a real job, Liam.

You aren't allowed to stop working.

Hello? Hi, Paul.

How's it going?

Yeah, great, yeah.

Oh, so the old bag is out?

Well, obviously not that good, yeah. She won't move, so... That's it. I'm coming

over. No, no, that's not necessary, no. I'll do this myself.

No.

No, please, it's so far.

Are you one of them or one of us?

No, they're...

Don't come. Your job is on the line.

No, I'm one of us, yeah.

Caroline, there's not a coffee shop. Someone get my passport! Caroline.

Liam?

Yeah?

Hypothetically, are there newts in Croatian?

Yeah, loads.

Oh, so they're, like, really common, then?

Well, the normal ones are.

It's the great crested ones that everyone goes on about.

They're the ones that rerouted the bypass because they're endangered.

Oh, so, right, again, hypothetically, if someone from TIT was to discover newts

on their new line, they'd have to stop construction.

Yeah, because it would be illegal to destroy their habitat. Why do you ask?

No reason.

Did you see something? Nope, nothing.

Which is good, because...

This demolition needs to go ahead. I've got to get back to my life in London.

Your nan's right about you.

You go on and on about having to move away to be your true self, but you're

the same selfish prick you've always been. Sorry.

It's the same when you stopped hanging out with me and started going out in

Oxford with Lola Wilson-Brooks and all her massive hair, Jack Wills' horsey

mates. You always were trying to climb some imaginary ladder. People are meant

to climb ladders, Liam. That's what they're there for, OK? And just because

you fucked up... and stayed and became the village idiot playing with your

frogs. Well, somehow that makes me the bad guy. Do you know what's at the top

of your imaginary ladder?

Just another ladder.

Right. Where you aren't the problem, you are.

Fuck you.

Have fun with your frogs!

Great.

Hey, your hotel's just around the corner, mate.

Great, thanks.

How much will it cost?

£112. What?

Diversions, bro, you know, like, it costs a living, innit?

most remarkable endangered species in the uk due to enormous declines in

population it is illegal to destroy their habitat many have halted

construction projects in the recent past

now

let's see what the villagers think of tit

In Crowsham pinders just pictures of your grands Young people gone the way of

Debenhams The weekly wage is less than the average age Crowsham's already dead,

tits just pissing on the grave

Thank

you all for coming here tonight.

Fighting

For your village fighting for your home fighting for me They

might have the money and the power But as

long as we have each other We will win this fight tomorrow

and our names will go down

You cast aside your normal life incursion to build a better life in

London, where things matter.

Are you one of us?

Or one of them?

One of us.

I trust myself to handle difficult situations.

I trust myself to handle difficult situations.

This feeling is temporary.

This feeling is temporary.

I release fear and welcome peace. I release fear and welcome peace.

I am strong and resilient. This one's on me.

Maybe get some help, bro.

You take this away.

You leave me with nothing.

My boss is on the way, Gran.

It's over.

Come on, unchain yourself, please.

I'm going to lose my job. Are you really willing to destroy all of this, your own

home, for a job?

This place was never home.

Not really.

Of course it was.

No.

A home is somewhere you feel safe.

Somewhere you don't have to pretend to be someone else. But I know you. No,

Gran, you don't.

You don't, right? I wish you did, but... I had to leave.

I didn't abandon you.

It's just... I was called Little Gay Peter all my

life before I knew what that meant.

but I'm actually gay gran.

Not as a joke.

Not for everyone here to laugh at.

You think I didn't know that?

I don't want to be homophobic here, Peter, but I don't think most teenagers

spend their weekends making shared garden statues with the gran.

Well, you could have said.

What do I know about it?

Well, my brother, your great gay Uncle Kenneth, he was a gay.

He used to keep it quiet. Well, as quiet as a man can with a male lodger in a

large scarf collection could.

So you don't mind?

I'm your gran.

I'm basically your mother, all things fair.

If you think that where you put your Nigel would make me stop loving you,

then... Well, is that what you think of me?

No, Grace.

I'm sorry.

It's too late.

I left.

I'm not who I used to be. You're a Crowsham boy.

No.

I'm not anymore.

You don't want to be, but you are.

You can have all the degrees and fancy jobs as you want, but you are still

who you are.

If you died today, that job would replace you within a week. But this

village would grieve for generations.

You can't destroy the village for that. You can't destroy your family.

You can't destroy me.

You've had your time. If you won't crush this place, I will.

Oh, God.

You must be the crusty old bat that's been making things difficult for me.

And you must be the old fur coat, no knickers, who's making things difficult

for me.

No, I've been making it easier for you. Unlock yourself now, or the police will

arrest you. You can't arrest me. You're protesting.

Police arrest protesters all the time now. Please don't arrest my gran.

This is your grandmother?

Well, no wonder you're so useless. The whole countryside is. Police!

Peter!

Someone help him!

Peter!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no

Well done, Pedro.

Tricking your grandmother to leave the house by faking a panic attack.

That's a senior management move if ever I saw one. You are one of us.

Go get the workers.

No, Gran, your house.

You just concentrate on breathing.

You know,

my protest wasn't for my house. It was for you.

That's all I wanted.

You will come visit me in the home, won't you, my love?

No. If you're willing to sacrifice everything for me, I'm willing to

sacrifice everything.

Film this Hello everyone, I am Peter

Honeybone and I am the community liaisons officer for tit yeah tit I have

been working very closely with a local very successful wildlife charity run by

Liam Mahoney here Percy

What are you doing? His name is Peter.

I recently discovered that on the grounds of this very home live a

breeding community of great crested newts. No!

As the great crested newt is an endangered species and it is an offence

to disturb their habitat, all construction must immediately stop.

I guess I was the village idiot after all. Nah, you're the gay one.

Fuck's sake, William.

You're fired, Peter!

I'll make sure you never work in infrastructure ever again! You can stay

here in your stupid little village with your slimy lizard fucking you!

Oh, good witness.

It's not just newts either.

The house across the dog's leg, that's got bats. And in the park, I reckon I've

seen nightingales. And the brook is full of water voles. So yes, it's mental how

no one checked out before.

And so bats, you say, and nightingales.

So when was the last time that you actually saw them?

Well, my newt breeding's gone well. You're breeding newts? Yeah.

Great crested ones.

Your newts and me, we've got a lot in common.

Both endangered species.

It's up to you now, Peter.

Five minutes, I reckon.

I'd say seven, maybe.

Teas up.

Oh, thank you.

Well done. Cheers.

Thanks, my duck.

It took a year to turn this garden into an official nature reserve, and she

wants me to ruin it by planting all these non-native species.

I'm the native species.

You can plant your weeds round there.

Weeds. You see, he goes on and on about being this nature specialist.

But in all the time doing my garden, he never once noticed any of those

endangered newts. No, it took my big gay Peter to save the day. Nan, what have I

said about calling me that?

Oh, sorry, darling.

Big gay handsome Peter.

Thank you.

What can I say?

I'm just so lucky that I get Peter to do all the hard work.

I'm just a village idiot.

Oh, you're our village idiot.

20 minutes late.

Next Friday, a late night meeting sparks an intense affair, but can their dreams

of being together ever be realised? A new play for today, closing time at five

past nine.

Next night, fully unfiltered, fully uncensored, and in conversation with

Phil Collins, Piers Morgan, brand new, after the break.