Original subtitles

By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie bates Where the sun

shines bright on Loch Lomond Where me and my true

love were ever wont to gae On the bonnie, bonnie banks o' Loch

Look at that.

Gents.

I'd like to officially announce that the 27th annual World Camp has officially...

It's... No, no, no, no. We can't start it like this.

Yes? You're not planning on sulking for the entire trip, are you?

I'm not sulking. You barely said a word the entire ride in. Because we refuse

your insane request to bring your girlfriend along this year.

At the last minute. See, I told you he wasn't over it. In my defence, Dev, I

did plead your case, but it's Lou's trip this year and you know what that means.

Lou's rules.

She packed her bag and everything. I just don't understand why she couldn't

come. I get it, I get it, but traditionally this trip has just been

the three of us. Yeah, there was room for a fourth.

There just isn't room.

Not physically.

You know what I say.

Three's company, four's a crowd.

That's not what they say. Look, if Charlotte doesn't understand that, look,

I'm sorry, mate. Maybe she's not the one. Caitlin. Her name's Caitlin.

Look, we could have no harm, no foul.

Mm-hmm.

Gonna need you to be better than that.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Yeah.

That's a smile.

And with that, we're off to the races.

Gather round.

Now, I trust you've both read the itinerary I sent. Yeah, it was a nice

way for you to tell us that you've got way too much time on your hands. Far,

far.

Okay, hand your phones over.

What?

Section 1A of the itinerary, we're doing this one like the very first time. Full

circle. There's a reason the first trip still hasn't been topped.

It was pure adventure.

No phones to guide us?

Just one of these.

Come on, hand them over.

Yeah, let me just send a quick message.

You know, maybe it's Courtney that's made you this way.

Caitlin, what happened to this absolute wild man that used to have a

new girlfriend every week?

The Dev that swore he'd never let anyone tie him down. I know.

The old Dev's still in there somewhere.

We've just got to find him again.

Don't worry, I'll put them straight in my bag.

Next, a reminder that we're going fully wild. The only food we're allowed to eat

is what we catch. Neither of you have any food, right? Nope. Nope.

So what, you're going to finally catch a rabbit this year, mate?

The closest he's come to killing a rabbit is on the drive here. And

finally, a little surprise.

Not that you deserve it.

Wow. You look like a Teletubby. Well, you'll be thanking me when we record the

best few days of our lives in 4K.

Yeah, I think I'll leave that nonsense to you two, if that's all right.

Yeah, you go on ahead, Al. I just need to pack up my bag.

It's not a coincidence that we've avoided this part of the Highlands in

the past hour. It's dangerous out here. Is that why you wanted your missus to

come?

That she could hold your hand the whole time. Hold your hand.

Help you, help you, help you to the tent and put all the pegs in.

There actually was a reason I wanted Caitlin to come along. Jeez, Deb. I've

never even met her and I'm already sick of her.

Listen, I don't want to hear any more about Clementine on our lad's trip. I

know you're doing that on purpose, okay? Same goes for you, Al.

No family talk.

For the next two days, we are the only people who exist.

Capisce?

Let's lock and load!

I'll tell you what, boys.

I was lucky you two loved wild camping as much as me.

I'd have had precisely zero sign-ups during Freshers' Fair.

I think your recollection of that is a little bit wrong. Yeah, very.

We both turned up too late to sign up for anything else.

Honestly, we had zero idea what we were getting ourselves into.

No, it was great, though. I mean, you know, couldn't have picked a better

society in hindsight.

Yeah, you know...

It might have been the only good decision I made at uni. Good times.

Great times.

I bet you weren't setting out on our first outing, though.

What, where we immediately got lost?

Yeah, and burned through all our food and water in half a day. And the tent

broke. Do you remember?

We just lie on the ground all night.

Soaked by the rain.

Convinced we were all going to die.

I did actually think we were all going to die.

No, you didn't.

But we didn't.

We woke up that morning.

having spent the entire night out in the elements and We looked at each other I'd

laughing he just started laughing And that's when I knew

I'd found my first proper mates Yeah, same for me too,

yeah And I don't think there's any way better

Recapture the spirit of that first trip, then out in the clear air of the sky...

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

What is that? Oh!

Oh!

What is that?

Dev, get in the face, Dev, quickly.

This is horrendous. It's not going to be like this all time, is it?

No, just stop your moaning, soft lad. The nets will keep them at bay.

I don't have them.

What? I don't have them. What do you mean?

You were in charge of packing them. It was part of the itinerary, I know.

Why didn't you just pack them?

Because... They're in the bag that Caitlin packed.

Oh, my God. We're going to be eaten alive out here.

Look, I don't know what you want me to say.

Sorry would do for starters.

I mean, why didn't you just put them in your bag?

I guess there just wasn't room, huh?

Anyway... Wouldn't be like old times with face nets, would it, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, that's the spirit.

Let's brave the elements properly, eh?

What's the worst a few stupid little midges can do anyway?

I'd be better to shred.

Huh.

So without further ado, let's recap on that checklist.

One, ticks.

Two, midges. I know all about that. And of course, footwear, which is essential.

Look at that, gang.

What an absolutely stunning landscape that presents its own challenges, but we

meet those head on.

Happy hiking, everyone.

Enjoy yourselves out there.

And I'll see you again next time.

Take care.

So that's why I brought the cameras, you know?

For some veterans of the game to show those clueless amateurs on YouTube.

Now it's done.

So you're a vlogger now?

No, of course not.

Because it sounds like you're trying to be a vlogger.

Is that why you left your camera at the car?

Look, I didn't want any more dead weight to carry, in all honesty.

It's pretty ambitious if you think we're going to be using our wetsuits this

year.

Speaking of dead weight...

Do you know why he's so slow?

His asthma?

It's not his backpack that's weighing him down.

It's the burdens in his life. Or, you know, his asthma.

Keeping a marriage afloat, raising a kid, it all stacks up on top of you.

That's why me and you are up here.

We're still free from all of that.

Luckily.

Yeah.

Yeah, look, you two keep going. I'm fine. I'll catch you up.

Al, sounds like a gentle breeze will knock you over.

Yeah, in my defence, Dev, none of this terrain was on the pre-agreed route. Can

I see the map, please, Luke?

You're buying yourself some more time to recover, are we? Actually, he's got a

point. Are you sure we're going the right way? Of course I'm sure.

Where are we?

OK.

I'll show you where we are.

Here? Nope, that's not where we are at all. Of course we are. No, we're not.

Hang on, why are you so sure?

Because I've been... Because... I've been checking.

Oh, you... Wait.

Traitor! I wouldn't have had to use this GPS if you knew where we were going. We

agreed. We swore a proper adventure.

According to this, we're not even on this map anymore.

You mean that. Don't snatch, Lou. I had to fight everything in my will not to

throw this stupid thing into the woods last year. You were glued to it every

step of the way. Look, I... You did rely way too much on that thing last year,

Al. Surely it's better than us getting killed in the highlands, isn't it? The

only person getting us killed is you. If you walked any slower, you were going

backwards. Lou's trip, Lou's rules, remember?

Exactly. All right, Wes. Look, can we all just at least have access to the

paper map?

to find our bearings and use the GPS if we can't find our way. I swear, Al, ever

since you got married and had a kid, it's like you've completely forgotten

how to do anything on your own. Well, it's true.

Glued to a GPS to tell you where to go, huffing on that inhaler instead of

building up your stamina. I don't need the GPS to find my way, and do you know

what? I don't need this thing either.

What are you laughing at, Dickhead?

Look, we all have our strengths, Al.

Yours is just a bit more... Bit more what?

New age. What does that even mean?

I'm sure you host the mean cheese and wine night. And smash the school run out

the park. I'm never late. Yeah, and think of the most perfect secret Santa

gift. Maybe all of these things are true. Doesn't mean I can't kick it with

the big boys.

The big boys.

All right, do you know what? No, no, no, no. You two, set whatever place you

like, and I'll keep up with you. No inhaler. Actually, do you know what?

No, I won't do that, because that would be littering. Go on, let's go.

No, I won't.

Is that all you got?

Ah!

Nothing beats a gentle walk through the hills, isn't that right, Dev?

I couldn't agree with you more, old buddy, old pal.

Come on, Al.

Come on.

See? Yes! A little-inch stroll is just the ticket on a day like today!

A meander, if you will! A saunter!

Bye!

Guys!

Oh, shit!

A mooch!

Is that one? A mooch? Well, that's something I wouldn't know, eh?

I'm going to be sick.

Oh, just look at that.

Oh.

Sorry about your camera, Lou. It just... No, I'll go down and get

it. Oh, come on, Al.

A bit of walking almost killed you. This is a little beyond your means. Do you

realise how much one of those cameras cost? Yeah, I do, Lou. I'll get it.

Seriously, Al, there's no help around for Mars if you get hurt.

I won't. I won't, Deb.

Lou? Any last words for Al? 300 quid. That's how much it costs.

Nah.

That might be the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Lou, just leave the camera. It's not worth it.

Throw me a camera, Al!

Yeah.

Tell me.

Where have you got all this energy

from? We've eaten nothing but berries for the last three days. Well, maybe

this is just where my strengths lie, young Deb. See, you two, you're

sprinters. Quick to start, problem is you don't pace yourselves. Me?

More of a marathon kind of guy. Slow.

Steady.

Compose. Oh.

Oh, hang on.

Sorry.

Some people get their rabbit snare all wrong, which is why they never have any

luck. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not seriously giving advice about how to

catch a rabbit, are you? Great. I'm going to have to do another take now.

How about you come and help us forage for some actual food?

Yeah, that's a good idea. We're losing it lightly.

Well, I'd like to remind you that someone chose to leave their camera back

at the car, and someone else went and lost theirs. So now, I'm having to film

three persons' worth of footage.

Come on, Al, let's go and find some mushrooms.

Um, uh, actually, Al, um, I was thinking we could get some footage of us

discussing the conifers.

Uh, no, thank you.

I've never been too comfortable in front of the camera anyway, Liv.

What was I thinking, letting you anywhere near another one of my cameras?

By the time you two get back, I'll be skinning my rabbit.

Unless that's a highly disturbing euphemism, Lou, I doubt it.

Three, two, one.

You've guessed it.

Today... We're discussing rabbit snares.

Rabbit snares.

Let's discuss.

You realise we're still lost, right? Yeah.

Yeah, there's no woods where Lou says we are.

Yeah, well, the only question is, how do we get our phones and the GPS back?

Mate, am I fighting for them?

Come on, Al.

You're not fighting anyone.

All right, Dev, Lou's not here now. You don't have to be all... What are you on

about?

Lou may want the old dev back, but I quite like the present version, truth be

told. What version?

I haven't changed.

You have.

Here we go.

Come on, little rabbit, come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, please.

You don't know how much I need this.

Don't be worried about settling down. A wife and a kid is the goal, mate. That's

what we're here for. I don't need your advice, Al, and I don't need to be tied

down like you.

I'm still free to make my own decisions, okay?

So am I. It doesn't mean... Oh, come on. You've got two whole other people to

take into account when you're making decisions now, forever.

I don't. I feel like I've touched a nerve. Is everything right with you and

Caitlin? Yeah, yeah, we're fine. All right, good. You and me are not the

same. Yeah, I know we're not the same, dear.

I've never been someone who, you know...

judges his self-worth by pull-ups and shag metrics.

That's fine.

Are you regretting your life choices because you married the only woman you'd

ever been with? Do you know what?

You regressed 20 years on these trips, Dev. I can see it happening in real

time. I'm not regressing. I am retaining a part of myself.

It's good that Caitlin didn't come on this trip. If she'd seen you like this,

she'd have run a mile, mate. Yeah, well, if that happened, I'd deal with it. I'd

just move on.

Yeah, danger, Dev. Back in the clubs. You know, I'm sure there's loads of

young women who are just itching to find a man in their 40s with a mental age of

a teenager.

OK, well, why don't we put that to the test? You tell Evie to give me a call

when she's 18.

What?

That was...

Don't ever say anything like that again, Dev.

Never.

That was old, Dev. That was old, Dev.

You all right, Lou?

Didn't really find much.

Huh?

No.

I don't believe my eyes.

I told you, Bob, I told you.

After years of naysay from you two, sweet vindication.

Can you believe it?

Now all I've got to do is, um... Kill him.

Don't bang about, Lou. It looks petrified. No, don't project emotions

onto it.

You do know how to kill one, don't you? Of course I do. I've read loads about

it.

Where have you been hiding, eh?

Yeah.

Do you want a bit of space?

I would, actually, yes.

This started as a war between me and the rabbit. It should end that way, too.

Okay. So, to kill a rabbit without causing it any suffering,

first you hold it like this, and... You.

Don't look at me like that.

Do you understand?

Run, little one.

You're free.

Oh, come on, Lou. What is going on?

Whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Where's the rabbit gone? Um... It escaped.

What? How did that happen?

Are you crying, Lou? Of course I'm not.

I must be allergic to rabbits.

It couldn't have just run off, Lou.

Evidently, it did. Lou, I can't believe you let it go.

We've barely eaten anything for days. I didn't let it go.

Lou, if you didn't want to do it, one of us would have. All you had to do was

ask. I didn't let it go, okay? It ran off the wheelie strong.

Not that strong.

Well, there's an easy way to find out if you're telling the truth.

What?

You're still recording, Lou. Oh, shit, I keep doing that.

Easy, boys, easy.

Tactically, I promised I'd catch a rabbit, and I did.

What happened after that was out of my control.

Great. Best trip ever, Lou.

Lou.

Fucking energy.

Come on, slowpokes. We ain't got all day.

Where'd you get all this energy from all of a sudden?

I can't go another day without food.

Hardly slept last night. My stomach's been rumbling like crazy. Don't start.

You know, I haven't used my needle once today.

It's literally at the bottom of my bag. I forgot I even had it. Not in the mood,

Al. Give it a rest, will you? Just let it be known that I have been leaving

both of you...

In my dust today.

Maybe I can kick it with a V.

Boys. What's up?

No.

No, no, no. This is not possible.

And it is.

So what?

We've spent the whole day walking in a big, giant circle.

Yeah, it looks like it.

Luke, get the... Get the map out.

So, according to my calculations... If we're there...

We need to be heading that way.

Look, Lou, that's literally where we just came from.

No, it wasn't. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I feel like we're all semi-experienced outdoorsmen, yeah?

Yes. You have never been this bad at navigating.

Yeah, that's true, actually.

And if I didn't know any better, Lou, I'd say you've been getting us lost on

purpose.

That is a preposterous accusation.

Have you actually?

Listen, I can't believe it. Look, going off grid was always the plan. My trip,

my rules. Are you kidding me right now?

The last two years, you've both organized the shittest, most tame trips.

I swear, we were one step away from going to Butlins.

Do you remember when we used to go away once a month?

Then Al got hitched. Then it was every other month.

Soon enough, it was once a year. I mean, throw me a bone.

Someone had to do something to save this trip because it was disappearing before

our very eyes. To even things out, you brought us here to almost get us killed.

I told you I wanted to recreate the first trip. You know, where we got lost.

where we became friends.

You know, I was hoping it would remind you why this has become such a sacred

tradition in the first place. Lou, give me my phone. It's over. I ain't got it.

What?

They're back at the car.

No, Lou, why?

I left them.

And I'd have left your stupid GPS, too, if you hadn't snuck it along.

This is so irresponsible.

I don't even know what to say. No, no, no, no, Dev. I've got the car marked on

the GPS, so we can... No.

What do you mean, no?

You lost my GoPro.

I'm keeping the GPS.

Have you lost your mind?

We're not giving up.

Giving up on what, Lou? We're being eaten alive by midges. Yeah, and we're

starving. We're completely lost. Exactly.

Give me the GPS.

Well, if you want it, come get it from me.

We're children now.

Come on, you're a grown-up. If you want it, come and take it.

Guys, guys, come on.

Oh, my God.

Guys,

guys, come on.

Give me the jeep. What the hell is that, man?

Oh.

It's just some emergency food in case you have an emergency.

So that's why you've been so chipper the last two days. Oh, I knew something was

up. So you've had this food the whole time and you haven't offered us any.

We've been wasting away while you've been stuffing your face in secret.

I'm off it wasting away. It's just some basic rations. I just wanted one day

where you two won't honor me for being the weak link. I was going to share it

eventually. Both of you are madmen. Oh, give it a rest, Dev.

The old you would live for this shit. Oh, great. This again, eh? Now, look, I

mean, I always knew that Al would get married and have a kid and give up, but

you... Do you know what, Lou? The way you talk about this trip, it's like it's

the only thing you've got going in your life.

Really. That is... I... You... Whatever.

You have changed so much, I barely even recognise you as the person I became

mates with.

Yeah, well, I guess it's for the best that this is the last trip, then.

Wait, what?

Yeah, yeah.

I wanted to find a better moment to tell you both when we weren't lost or

starving, but Caitlin and I are moving away.

So?

We all live in different cities as it is. No, no, it's countries, Lou.

We're moving to a different country, okay? Caitlin's from the US, and we're

moving over there.

Yeah.

Oh.

Mate, that's massive. Yeah, it is massive. It's so big that I feel sick

about it.

Is that what you were talking about, Al?

That wonderful, sick-to-the-stomach feeling of finally settling down, huh?

Not how I would put it, no.

How could you do this?

Shut up, Lou!

I was right.

This might be all you have.

You know, some of us have other things that we need to be getting back to. So

give me the GPS.

It's not over.

We're not going to end it.

Not like this.

My trip, my rules, remember?

Hand it over, Lou.

Nah.

Come on in.

Ready? Yep.

Deep breaths, okay?

Lou! Lou, I can't find his inhaler.

Al, come on. Just chill out.

I can't find his inhaler. It's in his bag.

It's in his bag. Wait, wait, hold him up. Just relax, relax.

We're going to get it for you, mate. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come on, Lou.

I've got it, I've got it.

We're working on it, mate. Al, Al.

Breathe, Al.

Breathe, mate, breathe.

Breathe.

I wasn't gonna let you ruin my trip by dying, was I?

Luke, get the GPS out.

Let's go home.

Yeah,

this looks like the place.

Are you sure, Luke? Yeah, no, I...

Recognize the rocks this is it yeah, I think the tide

might have come in a bit

Yeah, so admittedly, you know, I may have gotten caught up in the heat at the

moment. It's all right, Lou. Just go in there, get the GPS, and we'll be on our

way.

What?

Well, I can't go in there.

Oh, but you are going to go in there, Lou, because that's our only way home.

Yeah, but... Look,

it's dark now. I wouldn't be able to see anything.

Well... Well, wait then.

Wait? Yes.

Right here, out in the elements until morning light.

Just like our first trip, remember?

Yeah, but won't the GPS be broken?

You know, because of the water?

No. My GPS has the highest possible water proof rating.

It'll be fine.

I've got more chance of finding a needle in the haystack.

Yeah, let's wait.

Do you wanna get involved in this?

Wow, so good.

Thank you.

Lou?

You all right?

I could feel it.

Last couple of years.

You two weren't just becoming less and less invested in this trip, but also in

our friendship.

The real reason I bought the cameras It wasn't because I wanted to do some

stupid YouTube videos I wanted to get us

lost and have a proper adventure because

Part of me knew that this was gonna be

the last one

And I wanted a memento for us, no, well, for me.

So I could watch it whenever I needed to.

Oh, sorry.

Why didn't you just say, Lou?

Oh, well, I think we've all had trouble saying things, haven't we?

Oh, this has been a terrible trip, hasn't it?

Probably wouldn't make the top ten, no.

I sometimes have dreams about climbing back into this photo so I can hang out

with these guys again.

You know, I think the last few days is pretty damning evidence that we can't

keep up with these guys anymore, Lou.

Look, despite what you might think, the last few years with my wife and child

have been the best years of my life, haven't they?

Yeah.

And when I think about it, mine with Caitlin have been too.

Wow.

It's actually really good to say that.

And... I'm not trying to make you feel bad.

It's not exactly making me feel great. Sorry, but... You know, I really think

you could have the same.

I really do.

You just grow the fuck up, mate.

It's not over, Lou.

Cheers, Al.

It's light enough now.

Are you sure you're good to go in there, Lou? Wild swimming was on the itinerary.

Yeah, I might as well make some use of this wetsuit that I've been lugging

about. Good luck.

Fancy a dip?

I'm good, thanks.

You know, the old Dev would be the first one in there.

Yeah, he probably would.

Nice place to lay him to rest, if you ask me.

Come on, Al.

This is

your

chance to prove you can kick it with a big boy. Without cheating.

No, I wasn't cheating.

Actually, never mind.

You can't swim on a full stomach, can you? Yeah, company's got you there, Al.

Hang on.

One sec, one sec, one sec. What are you doing?

Hang on.

It's time for a new photo. Nice idea.

How long we got? Five seconds.

Right. Here we go.

There we go.

Here we go.

Let's do this.

Boys, can I just say, this is the last trip we do together.

You two are like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we love you too, Luke. Look, can we continue this on dry land and

find the GPS?

I'm not the strongest swimmer. Yeah, neither am I.

Me neither. Then we'll be doing it.

Right. Well, after three, we dive down together, yeah? Yeah.

Ready? Yeah.

One.

Two.

Phyllis Logan stars in next Friday's new play for today as a stubborn granny who

takes on the developers who wants to build down her home. Village Idiot at 9.

Inspired by Graham Norton's bestseller, is a dream house hiding a nightmare?

Lots of twists and turns and drama forever home. Stream now on 5.

Next, brand new Piers Morgan, Uncensored.