Original subtitles

To the max!

Previously on The Lesbian Homie

I'll see you back in L.A. in two days.

What? You would make it up to me if you let me pleasure you. Maybe I am pleased.

Okay, pleasing you pleases me. I'm good.

I thought we was friends, but it felt more like seduction to me.

Oh, you putting this all on me? And so you know. I went to jail that night.

What's up, sis?

You like holding sandwiches, or what you gonna eat there?

You got this.

Especially since that officer seemed to be on your side, which is crazy since

he's the one that arrested you. Officer Taylor. I will give you my last name,

but I got one.

I thought it'd be nice to make you a little breakfast in bed.

That's what's up. I appreciate that. Of course.

I will say now, anything you taste, say and will be used against you in the

court of law.

Really?

I knew that shit was corny as soon as it came out.

Okay.

Talk to me. What we got?

Soft.

Buttery. Like that.

With the crispy edges.

Talk to me.

Okay. You might know what you're doing in the kitchen.

A couple skills.

I'm slight.

More I can show you later.

Want a piece?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

What was that for?

You had a little bit of syrup on your lip.

No, I didn't. It's just one of my goodies.

And if I did?

Well, you got them.

Oh,

it's my turn now?

Oh.

Maybe it's you that should be under arrest.

Maybe, because I put my foot in the pancake.

I think I see a toenail right there.

Baby, I just, I feel like you're so far away.

And you see, I'm feeling the way I'm feeling right now.

We should be together.

You know, where I could touch you.

I mean, you could touch me.

I wouldn't do!

My nigga, E-Bag!

What's up, bro?

Not much. Put your shit in the trunk.

All right, all right.

My nigga, you gonna have me pick you up at jam-packed traffic time from LAX?

Man, when is the right time to get picked up from LAX? It's always busy.

Exactly. That's why low-key, next time your ass may have to catch a flyaway.

Or a way more so.

Well, I asked Chris before I asked you. She too busy wishing me.

That's because we the only real ones left.

Everybody else all booed up and shit.

But anyway, this a bittersweet moment.

What you mean?

I'm proud of you, bro.

You feel me? You about to have a chance to make you some big bread with the new

women's league.

But I'm low-key pissed I had to cancel my flight to Italy. You feel me? I had

planned to be laid up with a little sexy Sicilian on a gondolula. And low-key,

I had already started my hands account out there and everything.

A gondolula?

Bro, all that time you was in Italy, mean to tell me that you ain't never

rolled one with the nigga?

First off, I ain't out there writing nothing with no nigga.

And you mean a gondola?

Yes, bro.

Tomato, tomato.

Anywho, what you got up for this week?

Man, Pops is gonna come down, put me through some real work shit.

I already know he's gonna run me.

Aw, shit.

Coach Porter in town.

He about to run your ass.

I may need to come in on a couple workouts.

Feel me? Give me like a little 10-day contract.

You know what I'm saying? My D's still good.

Make it hard.

No. You know what I mean.

Hey, man. You trying to get something started.

That's what we're on the plan.

Crap. Yeah, that's because your ass fly spirit.

Nah.

But now I know this dope little new spot. It's called Nothing But Next.

Got the best red beans and rice and turkey necks in the city.

I just got back.

And here you are trying to take me to a place called Nothing But Next? Nigga,

you freaky.

See, you got to get your mind out the gutter, man.

The shit is busting. You trying to roll or what?

Hell yeah. I haven't had good turkey necks in a minute.

Say, Les, what you got up for tonight?

Wait, so just to make sure I'm following you ended up dating Zara a

lesbian

while you were in a long-distance relationship with Natasha.

And then you got caught cheating with Reese by Natasha herself whole time Zara

pregnant. I thought Zara was a lesbian. I mean, Zara wasn't pregnant at the

time, all right?

I don't even think she was a lesbian at the time.

Did you get her pregnant? Yeah. No.

She told me the baby wasn't mine.

You believe that?

I don't think Zara would lie.

Hmm.

Well, you know, you were making a lot of progress, Bruce.

I know, Doc, man. That's what I'm saying. I thought I had something

special with Natasha, and then she upped and moved out of town on me.

Okay, let's start with Natasha.

She a lesbian, too? No, she's not, and that's why I was so happy with her. All

right? I didn't have to worry about her dipping in cream pie.

Okay, so Natasha, she moved for a job and not cream pie.

Right, and that's how she messed everything up for us. Okay.

Where does Reese come into play with all of this? I thought that Reese was, last

time we talked, I thought you was done. I was done with Reese.

I mean, we was just kicking it platonically. It was nothing sexual.

We was just an ear when we needed it.

I would vent to her, she would vent to me about our issues, about our little

love lives and all that.

One day, she came over and one thing led to another, and next thing I know,

Natasha pulls up, surprising me from out of town.

I didn't even know she was in town.

Reese should have never been there that night.

She couldn't control herself.

So you blame Reese?

Hell yeah.

Okay. Had you and Natasha made it official that you were done?

I mean, not really, but... Did she know about Zara?

Doc, of course not.

And you did allow Reese into your house, right?

I see where you're going with this.

Look. Your feelings are valid, okay? You have the right to feel hurt, confused,

but I'm seeing a little bit of a pattern.

What pattern?

Like it seems, just hear me out.

Might have some self-sabotage going on here.

You're finding ways to ruin the relationships with the women in your

life.

I don't know. That's it, Doc.

It's okay.

We're going to get to the bottom of this, all right?

So, how long is the longest relationship you've ever been in?

Shit, like one or two.

Closer to one year. You know, short and sweet.

Hey, yo, Doc.

I could be in a long relationship, bro. I actually want to be married one day.

I'll believe you when you say that.

Damn, Doc, you writing a book?

It's just, uh, it's been a little while since we spoke, and you have unloaded a

lot on me today.

Pause.

Okay, um, let's pivot.

How is your, uh, relationship with your family?

What does my relationship with my family have to do with my relationship with

these women?

Well, our past tends to lead to some unhealed trauma.

And that's going to affect how we move in all of our future relationships.

All right. Well, my family is good, man.

Me and my pops, we super solid. You know what I'm saying? That's king right

there. You know, my brother and my sisters, we got a great relationship.

Mom is straight.

Mom is straight.

Good.

So how's your parents' relationship?

Their relationship is great. It always has been. Oh, so they're happily

married?

Nah. They got divorced a long time ago when I was young, but they've been co

-parenting great ever since.

Okay. So how was their relationship?

Like, were they happy when they were together? Of course.

That's why you get married, because you're happy, right? Everything was

great with them until it wasn't. You know what I'm saying? Then they

divorced, like I said.

Okay, so um the divorce did that I'm gonna keep it a hundred man I

Ain't feeling it no more man. I'm think I'm done for the day.

I'm gonna call it quits Okay That is um completely

your choice if you're done you're done We can reconvene next I'm gonna call you

man Appreciate

You want me to do that thing with my toes?

Oh, you silly.

Oh, what?

Okay, well, I'm going to FaceTime you, and you better have it out so I can see

it.

Yeah.

Hold on, somebody at the door.

Well, just come on in. I'm not busy.

What up, Dee Dee? That's your sister, baby.

No, tell me we're going to finish later tonight. Don't worry.

You know she's not going to stay outside.

You're so silly.

I know y'all not doing what I think y'all doing.

I am not telling her that.

Look, y'all can rag on each other another time, okay? All right, I'll call

you back later, baby.

What did he tell you to tell me?

Girl, he didn't say nothing.

So Rob just got you cheesing. I didn't do it.

I'm glad you clocked that.

And speaking of cheesing, don't think you off the hook.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, you don't?

I hope my testimony to the judge helps in your favor, headass.

What is he, a slave?

I ain't never heard no arresting officers say that to no defendant.

on a taste that he's working on.

Mm-hmm.

You think he's slick.

Look, you got it past me when you and E was hooking up.

I peeped game, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Yeah, you see what I did there?

You nasty.

Well, you ain't gonna get this one past me, so how long?

How long what?

About two months.

Two months?

You've been keeping this from me for two months?

Oh, y'all definitely fucking.

You getting pig pipe?

What's that like?

Actually, it's hog pipe.

Lord have mercy. Okay, I'm going to need some wine for this because what are you

even talking about? So wait, does he bring like handcuffs in the bedroom with

like criminal residue on it or what?

That would bother me.

And I feel like a weirdo, bro. I don't know.

I'm such an idiot.

Bro, you're being way too hard on yourself. Take one of these. It's going

to help you feel better.

Who got you like this anyway? I feel like you and Shanice was hitting it off

pretty good.

We are. We're good.

You know me. I like to please, so.

We all do.

That's all I want to do is please. Every chick I've ever dated likes to be

pleased. It just worked out perfectly, so.

So what you saying? Shanice don't want you to please her?

She's like in this phase where she just want to be pleased with me, man. I ain't

even into all that.

What you mean you're not into all that, Chris? I don't understand.

I mean, like, I like to be pleased, but all that extras, I could do without.

The whole laying on your bag, legs wide open, like, bro, chill.

It's a lot.

What? You don't like getting that clit licked? The carpet vacuum?

The beam flicked? You got to flick it, never stick it. The pantry raided?

There's cookies in that pantry bro. Yes. I don't know what I thought it was

normal to not watch him.

It's normal It's it's normal. It's normal.

It couldn't be me though. It has to be a reason for this I need to hear about it

cuz bitch like me you got the terror to this box You've got to rip me out the

plastic. You really like that shit. Yeah, do I?

I love it.

A bitch like me You better make me squirt bro. What this?

Damn right. Wait, you're a squirter?

Listen, I'll be watering the grass, okay?

Ha! I'm like a jet.

Nothing beats a jet to holiday.

I'm like a shower with a little bit more power. The way I be raining on these

hoes. Rain on me.

Are you done?

I had a little bit more, but I'll stop. Sorry.

Anyway, I didn't know you was like this, Chris, or not like this, Chris.

Bro, it's fine, dude. Like, Sam's the same way.

You sure about that?

Yes.

Okay, well, speaking of Sam, I'm about to shower.

I'm finna meet up with her at the grub.

You trying to roll? You wanna roll?

What y'all eating?

Hot Hawaiian chicken.

Nah, man, I'm gonna just take the recordies and contemplate my life.

Why don't you do that?

I'm gonna go ask her.

All I'm saying is, why the hell do people say, let me know if you need

anything? Because it's something you say to let them know you got their back.

But do they actually mean it, though?

Hmm, sometime.

Okay, next time somebody say that to me, I'm gonna ask them for some shit.

What you gonna ask for, Max? A toothbrush, a love novel, and some

gingerbread cookies.

What? That's some random shit. Why would you ask for that? To see if they mean

it. Are their words genuine?

You crazy, bro.

Oh, I need to get that.

She looked directly at me. No, she looked at me. Her eye line was... I got

this. What up,

Melissa?

What? You remember me? We used to work at Global Tech together.

Thanks for that. We must thank somebody else.

Damn, my bad.

I thought you was my old co-worker, Melissa.

I should have known you wasn't her because I don't remember her being this

attracted.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sam. Tyesha.

That's a pretty name, Tyesha.

You got some pretty eyes.

Thank you.

So how can I get a hold of you?

Get a hold of.

Can I call you?

If I happen to see you again?

Maybe.

You ain't even finished your food.

That's a big if.

I hope you live in the area.

It's hard to tell whether that was a no or... That was a yes.

She just don't know it yet.

Come on, get on out of here. Should we take this?

Shit. What up, bro? What up, bro?

How you doing?

Man, I'm good.

How are you?

Man, I'm cool. I thought you was never gonna stop running.

How many miles you do out there?

You looking good, though. You done slammed up.

Damn, you was just here.

Your boy engaged you.

Almost dunked on a bitch last week.

Oh, shit.

Well, put a bitch in a ram then.

How was you looking over there?

You know, nothing crazy.

21.

10, 7, flight room.

Oh, okay.

You almost averaging a triple-double and you just lied on.

I was just about to start pushing the ball more before I got the call to come

back home.

Shit. Well, I know that you back. Your pop is on your ass.

Man, this nigga act like I'm not already a professional athlete.

Shit, Coach Porter always been tough.

As tough as they come.

I mean, that's good, though. That's probably why you got all them good

opportunities.

I don't know. This women's league seems like it's about to be serious.

I got to get to that bat.

I know that's right.

That's what's up.

Congrats on that.

Appreciate you.

Anyways, where the hoes at?

Hoes? I couldn't tell you. I've been laying low.

I ain't got no action.

Nigga, stop lying.

Nigga, I ain't had no hoes since you.

Yeah, bro.

Nah, I'm fucking with you.

Yeah, exactly.

So what you got up for tonight?

You trying to hit the studio on me and Max?

Nah. I'm in the house tonight.

K.O. in the house ass nigga?

You must got a little shorty or something.

What make you think that?

Every time you go into hibernation, it's cause you got a little situation.

Then... You don't know me.

Oh, I don't know you?

I know you like to be in the house to keep your little secret safe.

Oh, man.

I'm just laying low.

Well, I'm back home, and I'm outside.

In my line with you.

No.

Baby,

tell me what you're asking for.

I'm feeling like we had it all.

Oh shit.

I remember you.

You Bruce's girl.

And I remember you too.

Unfortunately. Damn.

What's up with the energy?

So what's up with you and Bruce?

Y'all good?

Y'all break up yet?

Are you fucking with me right now?

What? Because what you mean are we good? Have we broke up? You trying to be

fucking funny?

No, I'm just making conversation.

Well, your nigga bitch girlfriend or whoever the fuck she is to you was

fucking on my man. And that's why we broke up. How the fuck is that for some

conversation?

Wait, hold on. What are you talking about?

Calm down. Don't tell me to fucking calm down.

Matter of fact, get the fuck out of my face. Baby, chill out. I'm not your

fucking baby.

Get the fuck out of my face before I punch you in yours, bitch.

First of all, I ain't no bitch.

We not doing that.

And what do you mean Reese was fucking your man?

Don't act stupid.

It was probably fucking Bruce dumbass too.

The seasons change.

Things get strange.

Feelings drain. I won't put that blame on you.

You.

Keep telling me that you need your space.

Plead your case. If you keep this pace, you gonna see a shame on you.

You.

Yeah. Yeah. And how can I not? How can I not? Save you a spot.

Baby, tell me what you're asking for.

I'm feeling like we had it all.

It was up like Adderall.

What goes up, girl, has to fall.

Tell me what's the matter. We've been fighting all night. I don't know who's

madder. It's feeling like we lost our... Shoot him back.