Original subtitles

No, no, no, not the blowtorch again.

Not the blowtorch again.

Okie dokie, this movie requires a little bit of context.

That's me. My name is Shane.

And that is my beautiful wife, Emily. In 2021, we had $20,000 stolen

via wire fraud.

So we did what any normal human would do, and we made an entire movie with our

best friends and had as much fun as humanly possible.

Our therapist told us that this is a healthy coping mechanism.

They have not seen this movie. The first 10 minutes are based on true events.

The rest, a work of fictional parody about what we wish we could have done to

the bastard who stole our money!

A bunch of people died.

No, no, no, no, no. That's the Indian burial house. I told you don't put them

in that house.

What? Oh, you didn't say they were foreign.

I'll rubber stamp it. I forgot. I really don't care.

So, sorry about that.

Mark the sound guy, Amy the event planner.

I'm willing to bet you guys have loud and eventful sex.

Looks like we are pretty much good to go here.

Sorry, pretty much. Well, looks bad that you guys both lost your jobs during the

pandemic. Yeesh. Yeah, well, with COVID, anyone in entertainment hit a brick wall

soon. Like exotic dancers and escorts.

I was thinking of our jobs, but sure, yeah. Yeah, you were thinking of

yourself. I was thinking exotic dancers and escorts.

Okay. Okay.

Congratulations on being almost first-time homeowners.

Yay.

Hooray.

We seriously cannot wait. So it is time for you to help us send the down

payment. I have paperwork for you Yeah, we've never sent an email from Somebody

in our office. Isn't that why you're here?

Don't we just wire the money now?

This is important. This is chill, but what's happening here is important

Marshall. I feel like I don't have your full attention.

Yeah, I

Yeah, I'm here. I'm for you. We just keep getting emails from you and then

half the time it's from Roger and you never see- Or Brandon or Sarah. And it's

really confusing. She's killing my type A organizational brain. Yeah. Yeah, I

want to acknowledge what you're both saying. And to be honest, it's because

we're beyond shitty at our jobs. All of us. We suck.

We're worthless.

Wait, that's too mean-spirited. Yeah, I'm also getting floored mentally by the

pandemic and I have no time for self-care. I'm consuming a lot of

content about cephalopods, anything that has tentacles I'm big into.

Yeah, that's more like it. I am so glad I insisted on doing this in person.

Really, really special and so rare these days.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, cool. Yeah, they're ready.

So that's it? He's gone?

Get him, get him! C'mon, nope, this is too easy for one! Not fair!

There he is, he's pinned. Let's get him. Hey, hey, get that bolt ready. Okay. Not

again! C'mon! Let's do a combined power-up. One, two, three.

C'mon!

Die! You stupid! Dead!

Six feet under, bruh!

Guess why you have to drop dead, Fred.

I'm gonna kill you! Oh, you're gonna kill us?

Do you swear? Do you swear under oath? Because last time I checked, I- I think

we just killed you again.

You need way better gear. Deadbolt is by far the best fax in the game. Yeah, but

the only way to get Deadbolt is if you have like 15 hours a day to play the

game. Yeah, it's the one item you can't buy.

You have to actually earn it by being good at the game. I'm level 74.

You obviously bought your account. You're not actually 74.

Let you play this game. Is it those silly gooses down at the Megawaste

Foundation? Hey, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, we're gonna go again. What do you

say? I think you're glitching out. I just, I can't hear your whining over

your mom's moaning. I bet your lap smells like piss because your micropenis

aim is so bad. Go buy a better account, you punk-ass bitch!

Hey, come to my face, you little shit! Listen, I apologize for everything we

said. We do have to go. We're gonna go play some Burn Victims with no hands.

So there's more of a challenge.

Hey, if you boot me from the server, it'll be the biggest mistake of your

life. I'll remember to find your IP address, I'll find out where you live!

Bitch.

We're all gonna- Okay.

You've brought this upon yourselves.

Time to find out where you live.

You just got an email that you two are weeks behind on homework, skipping

class, failing tests. How are you failing online school? Because it's

pointless. Dad, we learn more watching murder documentaries than anything obese

Miss Fatson is going to teach us on Zoom from her bed.

Okay, so as liquid it means death, but as air it means we can knock someone

out. This is the shit they should be teaching in school.

No, you're right. It's like a step-by-step on how to get away with

kidnapping and killing.

The smart ones bring down the house at the end fire solves everything Okay, if

you want to make it in the world in the real world, you have got to get your

hands dirty Okay, you can't keep spending all day watching TV playing

Thunder siege making your weird videos.

We have 20k followers

Sometimes my nail worked from a year ago with no deals. Did it all by myself. I

don't need no... I'm sorry, brother.

Brother? You didn't stab her?

I love to be, brother.

I mean, you did. You didn't stop me. I just did it to kill you. I'm sorry.

Quite frankly, I don't know how you accidentally stabbed somebody.

Cough, cough. Dramatic.

This is it, brother.

Brother, I'm so sorry. Do not let mom and dad... It goes through my search

history. Or the top left drawer in my dresser. No.

No. No. We've gone viral like three times.

And that's supposed to support your argument? Well, we're not asking you to

understand it. Because you guys are old as shit.

We just want you to respect it. Dad, you make videos for a living. Let's go ahead

and see where it got us.

Unemployment ran out. We lost our health insurance.

And we had to sell Prism Pal vacuums during a pandemic just to provide for

you. So y'all like chocolate milk? Oh, yeah, God bless. I put vodka in mine. It

tastes like a little milkshake. I was being sarcastic. This jug is filled with

poo, dirt, hair. I drink it for five bucks.

He will, too. I will do it. He does, and he loves bets.

And if I throw up, it still counts. Can we get the good cup? Get the good cup.

Watch out, girl. We're going.

We're going. Don't spill any. Oh, I heard a splash.

I'm going to make a sale today, all right.

Does it clean up blood?

I'm sorry, sir? Does that clean up blood?

Does it? Yes.

Yes. With the Breathing Happy Cleaning Solution, Prism Pal gets 99.9% of all

airborne and contact bacteria.

Hush, Willie Mae. God likes a quiet woman. Can I go to the backyard and use

my gun?

Maybe after supper.

Who'd y'all vote for?

Say the right answer and we'll buy you a little vacuum.

We voted for America.

You're goddamn right.

It's safe to say we have all had a major identity crisis this year, and we are

all frustrated. Your father goes in to donate bone marrow tomorrow, and it is a

major surgery.

Great.

I'm sorry, we don't hear the bed squeaking anymore. Can you just do your

homework, and then once it's done, we will send you the daily password?

Friday. Mom's right. Let's just go grab my knife so they can cut our nuts off

too. Yeah, and then let's go to our totally life-changing homework so we

don't end up selling toasters in a loveless marriage.

Well, good. It looks like we got through to them. Come on, guys.

Give me a challenge.

What's this?

Putting a down payment on a house?

Oh, and they haven't sent it?

20K? Oh, I'm going to steal your parents' shit.

Let's make a fetch bank wire thing.

Woo! I'm gonna steal all your shit. File book.

Duck face photo.

Mix box.

Squawk talk.

Consensual taco.

Under siege.

Open up for papa.

Oh,

this is just too easy.

Scorched earth.

A million eight and left no crumbs.

Here I am about to be 20k richer because your stupid kids run their stupid little

mouths.

Send.

Um, the email came in from Sarah for the down payment.

Tight. Tomorrow, the notary arrives at 10 a.m. Then we have the inspector's

bill. Mark, are you listening?

Clicky click. Steely steel. Can you forward me the email? Because they

didn't CC me again.

Or Patrick Real Estate. Like, this company sucks, dude.

Can nobody do their job during COVID? Huh?

Oh, you want me to do my job?

Tentacles. Hey, listen, I know this has been tough.

But not everything has to be a battle, right?

I'm sorry.

You want to buy a house?

Let's buy a house.

Okay, I triple checked on my end.

Looks good to me.

Shall we send it together?

Three. Three.

Two.

One.

Sent.

We just bought a house.

We bought a house?

See?

Money sent.

Not everyone is a slimy, sleazy, miserable, worthless, pathetic, pompous

douchebag with a pleasureless micropene.

purposefully trying to ruin our life.

The subacriminal is what we call a chameleon.

Always changing.

Stolen identities.

Multiple fraudulent bank accounts.

This hacker name is the chameleon, so there's that.

The two of us have been tasked with finding El Cameleon for the last three

years. I'm Lieutenant Lucia Luna of Hillsborough County.

My name is Detective Don Dugas, and I'm a digital forensic specialist.

El Cameleon preys on people's good hearts, which makes him the scum of the

earth in my book.

During Hurricane Sally, I donated to a GoFundMe to rescue animals $40,000.

I'm gonna get that son of a bitch.

He took $80,000 from my vet clinic.

asshole it stated that we were door dashing to new york ohio and la our vet

clinic is here we're in florida we haven't moved our vet clinic i'm gonna

find you little you want to know what happened to me i went to go reach in my

pocketbook my pocketbook was stolen our router got hacked so we lost access to

all of our streaming yeah he literally just walked in here dressed as one of

our doctors stole our clinic cat, Figaro, expecting some kind of reward

later on or something like that.

Joke's on him, though. That cat is crawling with ringworm. Just like that

dog.

What a beautiful day in Clearwater Beach. Time for some cereal.

Ugh, gross.

I can't see it. Turn it, turn it. Cereal boxes can be a problem. They expect a

thin layer of cardboard to keep out creatures, such as cock, roaches, ants,

and whatever this thing is.

The stupid thing is James. My leg! Help me!

Help me!

Can you see yourself in the mirror? No, we're good. Okay, then we're fine. All

right. Hi.

Freddie Rumble here.

Has this ever happened to you?

You're trying to make a nice bowl of cereal in the comfort of your own home

when you get attacked by a demon manatee shark who rips your arm off?

And what's worse, it gets cereal, it gets, fuck, it gets blood in your

favorite breakfast cereal?

Well, not anymore.

With Dr.

Donkeyball's blood-proof cereal boxes.

Our cereal boxes are made to withstand any amount of blood.

No blood at all will get in our cereal boxes.

None at all.

Bloodless. Can your cereal boxes do that?

I don't think so. Our cereal boxes can't. By Dr.

Donkeyball.

Mysterio boxes!

God damn it!

Did we get it? Is that good?

Yeah, I think so. What is going on? Guys, what is all this?

Hi, Mark. We're making a video. I'm this manatee that, like, turns into this

werewolf. Don't you guys have online school? Today I learned in school that

the age you consent in Florida is 16 to 24, so we're basically good to go. Would

you like to get married? Guys, this camera's very expensive.

I'm going to take that, please. And these are my hero props, which cannot

get wet, and the boys know this.

Dad, Dad, Dad, I'm telling you, we're being careful. It's fine, okay? Yeah, I

think I can afford a couple more bucks.

Are these sticks for sale? Yes, yes, they are. Go clean this up.

Oh, uh, here you go. Oh, oh, yeah.

You know what? I trust you.

I'm really sorry about losing my cool with the kids. It's just been a lot.

Don't worry about it. And don't be too rough on them.

They're good kids.

And they got a great dad who would do anything for them.

Oh! This is yours.

Take good care of her. I will. Thank you very much.

Oh, let me get the door for you.

My dad died.

Isn't that great?

Anyway, Big Richard passed, so now it's me, Little Dick. He was your landlord,

now I'm your landlord, and I'm just here to check in to see if you can move out

earlier than three weeks. We'll be out on the 21st. Like I keep emailing your

company, my wife has the contract and everything. Contract?

Do you have it in your possession, the contract?

My wife keeps a copy of everything.

Damn it. Okay, son of a bitch.

Contract.

I'm way over my head in a lot of different areas, and I have a bit...

of a small luck problem when it comes to my gambling problem.

We're kind of in the middle of something.

Great, I wish you the best.

Do I know you?

No, I'm sure you don't. You look so familiar.

Are you an influencer?

No, no, no, I'm from up north.

Up north, Tallahassee.

If you need to get ahold of me, you can call me on my cell phone or just stop by

the nightclub right down the street, Stalactite.

Guano everywhere, real, not fake. In a nightclub, fun for like 10 minutes.

Do you do drugs?

Um... I'm not... Secret's safe with me.

You son of a bitch.

Hey, I'll be back in 15 minutes to check and see if you change your mind. I own

this place, too! Isn't that crazy?

Did Dad give us the wrong password? Because I keep trying it, but it's not

working. I don't know. I'm still kind of just living off our data at the moment.

What's happening?

What is it? I clicked this link, and now all this weird stuff is popping up on my

phone, dude. I don't know. I think we got hacked.

What the hell's happening?

What? You're messing with me.

About all of our bullshit homework's gone. No all of our videos have been

deleted. How did this happen?

What do you mean? Are you pranking me?

Mom and dad are gonna ground us for life.

Check your email again because I sent it

lowercase title oh no i think i found some clarity for you see the sarah that

works for us is s-a-r-a no h this email came from an s-a-r-a h with

an h it's fake someone made up an email that looked legit and tricked you it's

been happening a lot during covid cyber crime is up 600 identity theft atm fraud

wire fraud you're not special we are First-time homebuyers. You didn't think

you should warn us? Well, my Scoutmaster taught me. My money, my responsibility.

It is the responsibility of you, the homebuyer, to double-check everything

before you initiate the wire transfer. We didn't notice the letter H in the

name Sarah.

And that's our fault?

Yeah, exactly.

You guys get it. Cool.

We have everything on here.

Dude, I... Oh, God, no, no.

Dreaded Ralph Rumble, your digital lives are over.

Thunderseed, dead books, consensual tacos, everything is mine.

You didn't just have your entire life savings stolen, did you?

Fuck off!

Amy, there is no need for such vile language.

But if that's the way you want it, if we don't get the money.

By tomorrow, you lose the house.

Sorry to stop the ride, but this bullshit happened too.

All right, keep going.

Toodles.

Like, we literally can't afford to have this happen.

I paid the power bill. Wait, there was an address on the transfer. Yes.

Two, three, um... Here it is. Okay.

237 Overlook Drive.

Rob... Rob Huberton.

Alright, this is good.

We have a name and address.

The banks are going to help us.

Right. This is what they do.

You're right. We're gonna be fine.

We're gonna be fine.

No, no. It took us years to get that bolt!

All that hard work for nothing!

Brother! I have never known anger like this! Brother!

We must enter battle!

We are going to kill him! He took everything away from us! Bite flick! He

took Deadpool!

We have watched every fucking murder documentary worth watching. We know

exactly what to do.

Freddy, grab the chemicals.

I'm gonna need a shit ton of spray paint. We all know I'm an expert at

drawing penises.

He's the Picasso of penis.

Wait, Freddy, you drew that?

Nobody else could. If there were the Olympics for drawing penises, I would

make Michael Phelps look like a penis because I drew it so expertly. We cannot

match wrong with wrong. That might be a fake name and address, and then we would

just be drawing penises as truly remarkable as they are. That was an

amazing penis. Way to go, dude. Really. On a priest's house or something.

Wouldn't be the first time.

You know what? Dad is right. This is a very, very real problem.

Okay, we're gonna call the cops, then we're gonna call the bank in the

morning. They said that if we don't give them another 20K by tomorrow, then we

lose the house. Can they do that?

Yeah. I'm still here. I didn't leave the meeting. I just stopped video.

One thing about me, I like to lurk. Did you guys get your money back?

All right.

Well, I'm never seeing those losers again.

Okay, well... Shit, now what tonight?

Or this weekend, or... Ooh, okay, I know what I'm gonna do.

I am gonna steal from the LGBTQ community and female filmmakers.

Like, it's not just the fact that we were robbed, you know?

We were tricked.

Like, I feel so stupid.

No, hey, we.

It's we. We both missed it.

Okay, well, you donate bone marrow tomorrow and I start my work back up.

I'm like, we don't have any time to fight this. I know, I know. I'll sell

the rest of my gear.

Or maybe we get,

no one's going to give us a loan.

I don't know. I'm being a downer.

We... We paid our dues, you know?

We did everything right.

I just... Like, they stole our damn prison belt money.

They did that.

I know.

Oh, man. This is bad.

And you need to sell one more of these to get a new home or something?

Yeah. We just need one more sale, and then we can finally afford a house.

Okay, I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you, kid.

I'm going to buy two, because I'll put one in this room and one for the room

where I watch the hockey games. It'd be great. Are you serious?

Life is not a bowl of cherries, you know that. It's crap sometimes.

It really is.

You go, you're ups and downs, man.

I'm happy to do this for you, and it better work.

It will. It will. You're like the first nice person.

Thank you. Good luck to you.

And good luck to your wife.

This means the world. Thank you, Phil. You got it. Go buy your goddarn house.

You got it, Phil. Thanks, man.

Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

I think I'm getting no, sir little bitch

I'm the one and the only Hal Sanders, co-founder of Consensual Taco. I am

Cinnabon, and I am an actress.

The best actress.

The best actress.

The best. Do you have any idea who the chameleon is? I mean, who does, right?

Nobody knows. All I know is he's a son of a bitch. They slid right into my DMs,

and they took a bunch of money.

Chameleon made me feel like I never really felt before.

What would you do if you found them? I'd stab the whooping shit out of them. But

we'd film it. Yeah, we would totally film it, right? Then we'd make some

money off of it. A shit ton of money.

Freaking chameleon. This is for you. Don't trust anybody in your DNA.

Yeah.

Did you check who these people are?

No. Could they... I think you have a point, baby. Who are you? Who are you?

He's not looking at us. This interview's over.

Sorry, I'm a teensy bit late.

We've been waiting three hours.

We?

Mark, get up. Get up.

I'm awake.

It was easier for me to wait down there. Did you get shot in the ass?

No, I donated bone marrow to potentially save an eight-year-old's life.

Oh. I thought it was going to be a cool story.

The chance of you getting your money back is 5%. What?

70 million people got hacked in 2020 alone.

Bad guys almost always get away with it.

So it's our fault for being tricked?

Yes, exactly.

Dude, I didn't even get her number. Uh, looks like this transfer shouldn't have

been approved.

Whoopsies. Yeah, so, like, totally give us our money back.

Oh, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I don't want to fight anymore.

And if I'm worked up, it's because my homo goblin... It's babe.

What? It's hemoglobin. Thank you for interrupting me and correcting me. It's

my favorite when she does that.

This is how it starts.

Being hacked can really change the way you view the world and...

the systems that were meant to protect you. If anyone knows how you feel, it's

us.

Yeah, we have some really dope documentaries about people getting

tricked and having their lives totally ruined. You should really check those

out. Hey, Adelina, you've solved our problem completely.

Can I please get your number? Don Mark and Amy are like, yeah, we're stupid and

we'll just approve our transaction and not look at our emails.

Then your money's gone.

So it's our fault for being hacked.

So, Mr. Muscles... I'm so sorry. That was my pet name for... Is

my pet name for my... My husband... My ex?

See, I don't even know how to refer to us anymore.

I'm so sorry. This is so unprofessional.

Don't start with the poetry.

The love that once burned bright for one another hath been doused by our hacker's

misdeeds. Stay in this moment now. Hey, I'm buying it. We

searched for another light.

Alas.

So now you, not us, you have to prove that it's not buyer's remorse.

I'm going to freeze the account for now, place the money in a fetch holding, we

conduct our investigation, it should take a few months to sort all this out.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on. We don't have a few months.

When I say months, I really mean never.

Even with the strong arms of the law, we couldn't find her hacker.

So there's really nothing you guys can do for us?

Some stupid-ass bullshit!

We have scary lawyers and time on our side.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

No. You're a lifesaver, Doug.

Thank you, sir.

Y'all have a blessed day.

Dude, why can't everything be this easy?

That was actually super easy.

That was him again, wasn't it? Can you see me?

Uh, no, you're good.

Hi.

Freddie Rumble here.

Has this ever happened to you?

You think someone would look like one thing, but then they actually turn out

to be a- A chameleon!

My people will rule your past- Your people won't rule shit when I have a

magic wand!

No!

Looks like that chameleon is chameleoth.

Hey, Ralph.

Yeah?

I think we might be responsible for some of this.

Yeah.

Well, this doesn't appear to be a good situation.

Storage unit is full.

You two are lifesavers.

Boys. Oh, yeah, yeah, Mom. Oh, my gosh, Kate. No. Are you okay?

Yeah. No, you could have seriously hurt yourself. Don't be doing that kind of

stuff. This could go out the top six.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Cash away. No cash. Yeah, we're happy to help. Nova,

can you make sure the car is locked? It is locked. No.

Can you make sure the car is locked?

Yeah, keys.

Okay. Bye! Ta-da!

Bye, honey.

Boys, can you help me bring in the important stuff? I don't trust anything

in the car. Why can't Dad do it? Yeah, why can't Dad just do it? Yeah, why

can't Dad help? Lazy bag of bones?

Because he's already done too much, and I gave him double the pain pills so he

can take a coma nap.

Comas are my favorite.

Oh, Jesus.

Right?

Which one of you is, um,

Marshall?

Put your hand back down. I think you have the wrong room.

Uh, leave.

Exit.

Yeah. Thank you. Beautiful woman. Thank you.

I'm going to make an executive decision, okay?

You are going to take a nap with your husband, and you're going to enjoy it. I

know you have work tonight, the Halloween party. The boys can hang out

with us tonight.

Boo. Hell yeah.

I mean, kids.

Oh, my God. Honestly, a nap sounds so nice right now.

Yeah.

If they start humping your leg, you have permission to kick them hard. No,

they're harmless.

So I can't hump your leg?

Good night, boys.

Playtime outside.

I hit a ball somewhere out there. Who can find it first?

Yeah, Freddie, you love balls.

Go to the car. I left something in the motel room.

She touched me. Dude, she definitely likes you. I'm telling you, she's in

you. Have you seen how well you can get girls?

Dude, I'm telling you.

Listen, there is precious little time to explain. I'm not a babysitter.

I'm CIA.

Oh my gosh, this is hot.

We have been deep undercover for years trying to track down this sick puppy,

not getting so much as a whiff.

Whiff?

I'm her superior officer.

You're looking at the best undercover agent that CIA has got.

How is this possible?

I have hypopituitarism.

It's a hormone disorder that stunts growth.

So even though I look 14, I'm really a 48-year-old boss-ass bitch.

The chameleon has been making our lives hell for years.

God, you two are the only ones to be able to sniff him out, and I pray to God

that you have another trick up your sleeves. Except this time, you have the

full support of the United States government.

So please, for the love of all humankind, tell me you have some sort of

plan of attack.

Oh yeah, we do.

Rob's MO is trickery and misdirection. We have to beat him at his own game. We

dress up in prison-powered polos. So we look like salespeople, but we're

actually revenge-filled karma people. Yeah, but he lives in a gated community.

Security cameras galore. Even the CIA can get past those neighborhood security

guards. Okay, but prison-powered customers schedule in-home

demonstrations. So if we make a request in his name, the guard has to let us in.

If not, I'll shoot him.

Collateral damages to be expected. Hell yeah. I just don't see him letting two

teenage boys into his house. Why not? You're five foot nothing with the voice

of a dying pigeon.

Hey! Hey.

And you, you look like ugly Hagrid. This is so us. This is why I love you. It

could work if we put a mask or something. Cover up their faces. I don't

want to see anything. The hideous faces.

Cover it. Cover it. So you would go out. Stop persisting! Callate, coño! I am

sorry. I'm so sorry. It's programming.

Programming.

Looks like I'm going to have to do all the talking.

Break it down.

In theory, once these two are mixed together and then in the air, it should

just knock him out.

How do we know if it works?

I'm two steps ahead of you, Kate.

I have no idea if this is safe. Great.

I'll do it. If I die, that'll, like, totally suck, but hopefully I just fall

asleep, so... Put it on before I change my mind.

Guys, this is a lot of pressure.

She's gone.

She died for her country.

I'm just kidding. She's not dead.

Don't be so funny.

Shut up. Get back to work. Sorry, ma'am.

Shit.

Not much of a visor guy, but I could pose as soft. Hey,

chill out. Dad's asleep. We don't want him to wake up.

What size is that?

Just be quiet. I think it's really cool. Hey, boys.

Come here.

Take a knee.

I owe you boys an apology.

For what?

Your videos are so insane and unique and a lot of people aren't going to

understand them.

But they don't matter.

Because a lot of people will.

Art is good.

And when you put good into the world, it comes back.

Don't let anybody stop you from making your videos.

Myself included.

I am really proud of you two.

Go on.

Tis your time.

Hi,

good afternoon.

What's good about it?

Um, we're here to see Rob Huberton for a scheduled Prison Pal demo.

Name? Jody Zissimopoulos.

It's with a Z and an X. Not on the list.

Um, maybe it's under Prison Pal. Not on the list.

You're not getting any. Bunch of cruddy kids, dirty polo t-shirts. Just slowly

back out of my line.

Have a nice day, alright?

Hey, you're a Tom Brady fan.

Hello?

Of course I'm a Tom Brady fan.

The man let the Bucks in the Super Bowl his first year with the team. Brought

all his guys down to Florida for a good time for a party. Right?

Took my dad to the game. We cried like babies when they won, okay?

I love Tom Brady.

Sir, my grandma is sick in the hospital, and we need one more sale to afford her

surgery. The city of Tampa believed in Tom Brady, and I believe that you can be

our hero today. All it takes is one man in the face of adversity to open the

gates to destiny.

Kid, you changed me today.

From me being a hall monitor in school until now, I spent my entire life

hoarding my gatekeeping powers over anybody who was going to walk through a

threshold that I was sworn to protect.

Now I need you to save your precious Meemaw.

And she's going to ask what happened today.

And you all tell her, security guy Jeremy, he's the one that gave you that

key.

Go Bucs.

Go Bucs.

Go Bucks!

Go Bucks.

I shall find cover behind the enemy and wait for the signal.

Fail. We shall not.

Brother, this is our destiny.

Go on.

Tis your time.

Really? Well, we have it right here on this little tablet.

Tablet? Where's the tablet? Oh, I don't know. What do you mean, you don't know?

I don't know. That has 200 people's personal information on it. Brian, you

cannot lose that tablet. Stop pressuring me. It's not even password protected.

Okay. Can you stop shouting, I found the tablet with 200 people's names on it?

Yo, welcome to the party crib.

Come on in. You can sit your shit up in there, but that's off limits.

And shoes off, because I'm not a scrub, so, you know.

Hey, sorry for the mess.

I was up last night raging.

Oh, that's cool.

I'm Owen Collinson.

Owen Collinson. Wow, it is so wonderful to meet you. My name is Jody. This is my

associate, Brian.

Hi. Yeah, hey, you don't need to wear those bullshit masks in here. You know

they don't do anything, right? Oh, totally. Our company makes us, though.

You single?

Vax and wax.

Hell yeah.

Everyone loves a slip and slide more than rolling around in the crabgrass.

You feel me, Brian?

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Alright, start classes in session.

Listen to teacher. Well, wait, don't I need to put my info in the tablet there?

Please hold all questions until the end of the presentation.

Thank you so much.

Prison Pal has four settings.

Level 1.

It traps airborne dust and water straight from your faucet instead of in

a dry HEPA filter like in your vacuum.

Oh, man, this shit rips.

Can I smoke out of this thing?

Level two with our breathing happy solution it eliminates odors and kills

99% of all airborne

jerks

Are you feeling alright, sir?

Come on, search him.

Guys, how long do you think he's going to be out?

Phase one complete.

Come on, let's balance the scales.

Why is this fake?

Oh, do you guys smell that?

What is that?

Did you fart? No.

What are you... I feel something slippery down here. What is that?

It's all slimy. Ew.

Oh my God, he pooped his pants.

Oh my God. Dude, no way.

Oh my God, why does it smell like that? We gotta keep searching.

Guys, wait, there's keys. No, stop. Hey, we got his car keys. Stop, stop.

Don't throw that at me.

Oh my God.

Get it off me. You got it on my shirt. Oh my God. Stop touching it. Wait for

just more.

Shut up.

You better not throw that at me, Freddie. Guys, it's okay.

I swear.

There's nothing on it.

It doesn't have shit on it, look.

Oh God, it's on the back.

Here we're getting him outside, guys!

Get him downstairs super quiet and sneaky. I want a clean job here.

The trunk.

The trunk?

Okay. The trunk.

Let the trunk throw him in.

Can

you

tell us your name and what happened?

My name is Kari Rosbeck, president and CEO of the TSC Alliance.

Tuberous sclerosis complex.

TSC is a rare genetic disorder that causes tumors to grow throughout the

body. Our mission is to find a cure while improving the lives of those

affected. Last year, the creators of Thunder Siege, the biggest video game in

the world, donated a one-of-a-kind replica of a weapon called Deadbolt for

our annual fundraiser.

which we were so excited to have in our live auction because we knew it would

raise a lot of money, a lot of excitement, and really drive the success

of the entire event.

Sadly, someone dressed up as a janitor tricked us and

stole it before the event. I'm sorry.

I need a minute.

Dude, there's bar drives.

This could have our family's money on it. I don't know. This looks important,

though.

What is this legit? No way.

This is legit under oath gear. This is the guitar from Janice Lennie You know

the one that was stolen the one that our show got canceled. Uh-huh They could do

the show cuz everything was stolen from the backstage the night before they

found her here.

Yeah. Yeah, uh Can we Can we have it back

who in their right mind is gonna steal something just because they like it and

think it looks cool I would never do that. Hey, dude, look out the window

which

We're gonna steal the ever-living shit out of that. I had no doubt in my mind.

Wait, wait, wait.

Brother.

What? We're gonna bless this quest.

No, you're right, you're right.

Before time was time, or space was space, it was written in stone that you

would keep us safe.

Go on.

Tis your time.

Thou would allow me?

A youngling.

Youngling? That's not a jest.

This... Guitar is also really heavy. Oh, dude. No, no. So it's just one of those

things. I don't want to have to carry two things at once or else. Be careful.

I got this. All right. Yeah, go for it.

You guys found Deadpool? You know Deadpool?

This is a wonderful twist.

You look really hot.

Hello, friends. Have you seen my daddy?

Oh, no.

Daddy's my hero.

I love him so much.

Hold on. Does he have kids?

He would do anything for us. He says so every day before church.

Right? Yeah.

They went missing.

Kids go missing all the time. She is right. Kids do go missing. Kids go

missing all the time. He says he'll be able to afford my medicine soon.

COVID has just been tough on him lately.

Are you bitches going to say anything?

No, we're just kidding. Our hacker doesn't have kids. Where's Rob?

In the car, knocked out, tied up. But the house is clean, no DNA, because we

did use the prism, pal.

Um, and he shit his pants.

But we're good to go. Like, we washed his ass.

Wonderful! And I can confirm, as a former prison pal employee, that is

exactly how DNA works!

Right? No one will ever know we were here. Especially the CIA.

Oh my god!

What? What?

That's for you, old boy.

Wake up, wakey-wakey, hello, welcome to hell. You stole money from our family,

now you're stuck in the cell. Yeah, we're gonna make you regret ever

crossing that line.

What should we cut off first? Should it be your ear or your eye?

You got your thumb, your thumb, we gathered your prints. And now we're

gonna get your pass from the sheriff.

Hey, how can we chop you?

Hey, how can we cut you?

We found your shrine with all the names of your

victims.

We are going to go one by one and make sure everyone gets every dime back.

What's interest, asshole?

Whatever's left of it.

Just kill me. Shut up.

Oh, no.

Oh, you guys have my phone and my thumbprint, too. No, you're going to

need my voice. You need my face. You need a double authentication code all

within a 30-second window.

Hey, and guess what? Three failed attempts, you're locked out forever. Not

even I can get back in. I don't write any of this shit down. It's all in my

head. So good luck getting that out of me. Hey, what the?

Hey,

I'm not done.

It's hotter than Gainesville in there. Wow.

That was a really detailed explanation of what we need to do. Yes, voice, face,

2FA. We could torture him to get all that information out, right?

That's a good idea. Well, boys, you guys are still kids, okay? I have to think

about your future after all. So let's leave the torture to the professionals.

Come on. Hey.

Hey. Your mom's right, okay? I did two years of torture school.

There's a whole science behind it. We deserve the torture, too. He wouldn't be

here if it wasn't for us. Okay, what if you kill him?

Your life's are over. This isn't your video games. This isn't some magic wand

thing where poof!

Ho ho ho!

SISTER! No, that guy!

Hey Mark, it's Betty from Fetch-a-Pink!

To Marshall, motherfucker!

Come on, babe. Tell him the good news.

Wait, wait. You guys have good news for me?

No. Bad for you, good for us.

Your case is now formally closed with Fetch Bank and the money has been

absorbed. Yay!

Wait, I... I have police reports.

subpoenas a judge signed off on you should have paid attention to sarah's

name in this culture i'd hate to be the guy who didn't know the name of a woman

he's doing business with gosh golly darn i just i wish there was something us

powerful things could do you know other than create competing divisions of wire

fraud that ultimately start to confuse you to the point of repeated mental

breakdown are you kidding me what happened 42 minutes and 40 seconds just

stopped hour 20 minutes what am i supposed to do This is my life. This is

all I do. I'm just on hold with you guys.

It did it again. Two hours, 29 minutes, 34 seconds.

And in the end, we keep your money.

House always wins.

So frustrating.

You guys can't do this.

Oh, sure we can. It's already done.

Past tense. This is my money. Take a look at the dust.

No, sweetie. It went over this.

It was your money. Mm-hmm. You sent it, yeah? You.

That's who. You did.

Remember? He forgot.

Look how pathetic he looks. So pathetic.

Look at this guy.

Drunk on his own ineptitude. Put his family up in a meth hotel.

Bleeding out of his back door fun hall. This is what you get when you make bad

decisions. Maybe they'll make a Lifetime movie out of this.

Yeah.

Our Jew marshal.

Baby.

Looks like you're all out of options.

Happy Halloween.

Where's all the laptops?

Dang it!

Where's all the... Where's all the tech shit?

Shit.

I'm such an idiot. I forgot it was your week off. I should have called you on

the snow cone phone. Oh, that's all right.

So, Santa, you live in a mattress store? Please, just call me Chris.

I'm off duty now.

Nobody ever goes in a mattress store.

And they're on every corner. It's the perfect cover.

Hey! Oh,

good, you're awake.

Oh, hi, Chrissy.

Hello. What is happening?

Hey, who said you could talk?

Guy, you can't just torture him and then not invite me.

Not to steer the sleigh, but maybe we can talk about ground rules over

cookies and beer in Santa's happy Florida man cave.

Mom, can we please have our very first beer with Santa? Because we've

definitely never, ever, ever had a beer before. Please let us have our first

beer with Santa. Please?

Fine. One beer. You're sharing it.

Yes!

So what beer are we drinking first, Santa? Welcome to Santa's Happy Florida

Man Cave.

Oh, come on in. Enjoy. We've got all sorts of food, drink, you name it.

We've got Frenchies from Clearwater. Best grouper sandwiches on the planet.

And if you want to wash it down with the best beer in the world, we've got a

magic beer keg that will pour whatever beer you ask it. And after a

hard day making toys, a victory cigar.

J.C. Newman cigars. Best cigar on the planet. Santa, can we please smoke with

you? Of course.

Okay, so let me get this straight. So Santa's real and you guys are CIA, huh?

Yeah. Are aliens real too?

Yeah. Yeah.

We actually admitted it once the UFO videos got leaked, but no one cared

about my life's work. Do you guys remember that? That was a dream. What

was that? Santa! There was a press conference and everything.

Does anybody care?

I think aliens are real.

I bet they didn't think I had another phone, crammed up my ass.

I'm the chameleon, man. Come on.

Oh, that's the duct tape.

Santa! Oh, my God! That's my keys.

You're gonna be the godfather of my children when I have them. Let's not

get, uh...

Yeah.

Everyone likes their own brand.

Welcome to the police department hotline. You've

reached the cops.

Have you been murdered or found a body? Press one for yes or two for no. You

have made no selection.

We assume you have been murdered. Please hold.

Babe? Babe?

Hello?

Where'd you go?

You've reached the police department, brought to you by refreshing apple snap

-ums. Nothing says justice like a crisp.

Apples, you have reached the Tampa Police Department. Mental health are at

times important to us. Please hold.

Yes, I yeah, I've been kidnapped.

Okay, please send some help Who

is this

You're

under 24 seven surveillance

Now your burner phone is destroyed.

Whoa, guys!

Now this, this is cool.

Sorry, I saw your post where you guys were, like, drinking and smoking with

Nova and this guy, and I was like, ugh, what are they doing? But now I get it.

You're making your video.

You guys really took our heart to heart and ran with it, huh?

That's great. Sorry. Hey, nice to meet you. I'm Mark. Are you from Craigslist?

Help me, man. They kidnapped me, and they're... Got it. Method actor.

Hell yeah.

This guy is a really good actor.

doing he's already seen your face honey so it doesn't it really doesn't matter

anymore babe this is rob the hacker so it's you rob the

hacker hilberton that's the chameleon to you santa oh you guys are still rolling

babe this is real it's him we got our hacker wait guys

you did all this babe

You leaked our UFO videos. You ruined our digital lives. You cooked Deadpool.

You're those kids.

No, actually, I'm 48.

You're trying to ruin Christmas again.

This lady should be going down.

Bubbles, thanks for losing presents left and right. The damn chameleon. This is

his doing.

Bubbles, you're the best help I ever had.

Me the best? We need someone to save Christmas.

Bubbles, it's up to you.

It's a suicide mission, but you've got to do it, Bubbles. You've got to do it.

It's Christmas.

Dad! Yeah, don't get weird.

Get back there and take care of it. Do it now.

It's an honor to be at your service, Chris.

I got this.

Christmas can be saved.

Bubbles! I remember the pain each and every

person felt.

Their holiday's ruined because they couldn't afford... Couldn't...

Excuse me?

Oh, hey, hey, give him some room. Give him some room.

Yeah, give him some space.

Is he good?

Why is it so loud?

All right, he's fine. He's fine. You got it out. Out of the system.

He's done.

He's better now.

You miserable bitch.

I'm gonna kill you.

Oh, oh, okay. All right. How is that much in his body?

There we go. Okay, all right. He's just upset. He's upset.

He's got a great arm. Great arm. Great arm.

Oh, every year, Rob manages to ruin the spirit of giving

with his dirty tricks, one broken heart after another.

I didn't want to scare you all, but as of right now, there's

not going to be a Christmas for anyone.

What? No!

Yes! No!

Yes! No!

Yes! No!

Really? The database for naughty and nice was wiped clean

by someone.

Yeah, guess what, Chris?

I'm just getting started.

You hacked Santa? He is

Santa's problem now.

You son of a bitch. Okay.

This slippery sucker fish is always two steps ahead of me. A new name, fake

address. But now you've fallen into my lap.

Is Santa gonna help us torture this guy? Oh, you bet your gumdrops I am. Hell

yeah, Santa. Come on, Chris. You're a long way from the North Pole.

You're in the swamp now. Don't get bit.

Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

Oh. Oh.

Interesting.

Well.

Is Santa gonna help us? Right, Santa's really hot. Come on Santa.

Santa? Hell yeah!

Wow. Come on, go torture on him. Good. You see this candy cane?

La leyenda es cierta.

What? This candy cane was forged so that if

any kid accidentally saw me on Christmas Eve, I could just wave it.

And create a new reality for them.

Go back in time.

Preserve the magic.

Dude, it's like a magic wand.

Like, if he were to die, it could bring him back to life.

Respawn. It's like a real-life video game.

It used to be so easy.

There would only be about five people that got presents.

Now it's closer to five billion.

What is that sound?

Oh my god! We got a head start for you, Santa! Dirt poison, you piece of shit!

Stop it! Stop! Stop! Oh my god! Okay, okay, okay.

He's okay. He's okay. I think he's bleeding. He's okay.

No pulse. Oh god!

Um... Yeah, he's dead.

Son of a bitch, Ralph!

What? What, you don't think that anybody else wanted a turn?

No one else wanted to stab him? I am sorry, sir. I raised them better than...

No, no, no! You guys say you're sorry to Santa.

Oh, no, no boys. It's fine.

I'll just go back to the North Pole and fuck myself Mark, that is not why I'm

upset. You just murdered someone.

No one's gonna help us. He's gonna keep stealing from people Hey, stop him.

Listen, he's taking banks tax fraud people title companies. Okay fucking

Santa Claus We have to take this into our own hands dad, you know, so you just

throw away your life You told me to get my hands dirty. No, not with blood

We have to solve this problem. Oh, God. He's alive.

He's still alive.

Ralph,

come on. I'm trying, Dad. It's stuck. Listen,

we're not just doing it for us. We're doing it for them. So you two commit

murder? Yes. Hi.

I do need to collect his organs before his body gets cold.

Whoosh.

Oh, God. Hell is real.

Hell is real. Yes. Oh, my God.

That can...

Bring him back to life? You killed me? Yes. Oh, you know, I'm definitely not

the Zodiac Killer. Definitely.

I never accidentally killed a lot of people over a lot of time and then

had to bring a lot of them back with new realities, but I guess.

Wait, wait, Mom, you didn't know that it could bring him back to life? Don't you

ever do that to your mother again. That's unbelievable. Get out of me.

Unbelievable. Give your mother a heart attack. Dude, I have an idea.

We can make money off this. Yes, dude. We can make it in a movie. I got an

idea. Yeah?

Oh, I just wanted to be included.

Cool. I actually do have a good idea. So why don't we... We're going to be

torturing Emma anyways, right? Yeah. So why don't we just put it on film and

then we can sell it and make so much money, dude?

You know what? I have an idea. Give up.

I've got an idea.

Shut up.

Oh!

That's awesome.

Look at that. Look at that. Dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dad, we want you to make a video with us.

Oh, come on, boys.

That's cute. Yeah, that is. Our boys may be failing online school, but you sure

are street smart.

Um, I already sold the rest of my gear, so... Yeah, not so fast.

I have all the gear here.

What? I'm the guy who bought it from you earlier this month. No. I'm from up

north. Up north, Tallahassee. I used this candy cane to make me look like

someone else, but I was really Santa the whole time. No way!

We're killing you a million times over.

It's a Halloween miracle.

Boys, come here. Come here, boys. Yeah, get over there. Get over there. Happy

Halloween. Yes, indeed.

Now, who's ready to make some magic?

Dad, you rolling? Good to go, son. Here you go. Here you go.

Yes! On sound, on camera, on lights and on clocks, let's start with the

bleeding and hope it won't stop.

Hi, Freddy Rumble here. Have you ever been hacked by an evil douchebag? So you

kidnap him, and the CIA, your parents, and Santa Claus help show up to torture

him? Well, then I've got the thing for you. The Wheel of Torture.

I'll never give up!

Tic-tac-toe, take three.

Fine.

Best out of seven.

Witch's Brew, take 68.

It's warm. Give us the code!

Picasso penis, take 13.

Wait, do a Spanish accent.

Picasso penis, take 13.

That penis is miraculous.

This is better than anything Banksy has ever done.

I did it.

I'm so proud of you, dude.

This one's for you, Grandpa.

You gotta be kidding me.

I'm myself. I don't need nothing. Try to hunt his songs. I'ma keep coming.

Remember times it wouldn't reply.

Now they all hit me like it's... Happy Halloween.

Hockey ween. Take 17.

Oh,

I broke your tongue. Pass words.

Pass words.

You suck at hockey.

What's the password, bud?

Yeah, yeah, the password is the lightning is a terrible hockey team.

Knock, knock. That's right. Cheese graters. They're not all made the same.

Some are made to shred mozzarella cheese. Good old Gouda cheese.

Fancy European cheese. Parmesan cheese. And evil hacking douchebag.

Piece of shit skin cheese.

Look at it just glide right off. Just little bits of skin. Hair and nails.

Could this cheese get any greater?

I wish I had a bowl of pasta right now. What's that smell?

No, it's not your mama's skin. It's this hacker's piece of shit skin.

Any mom would kill for this cheese grater.

Yes, I cannot wait to chop We got to earn it.

It's too early. It's too early bring it back

He is 155 pounds of man meat, 5'6 of terror.

He's the heartthrob any teacher in Florida would go to jail for.

He is brown.

He's a passionate man.

A romantic man. A man with a good digestive system. He's a lover. He's a

fighter. And most of all, he's my brother, Ralph Rumpel.

He knows how to play too so-

Answer the passcodes. Give us the codes. And everything stops.

Give us the password, Rob.

Hey, Rob.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Santa. Can we just, like, pause for a second here, guys? Can we

just have, like, just a human moment for, like, ten seconds here before you

go back to killing me?

Please? You guys are mad.

Yeah, you're mad.

I get it. But you're not mad at me. You're mad at the system.

Interest rates, credit cards, all that shit? Yeah, that's against people like

us. They're the problem. They should be the ones in this chair.

Okay, so what? So I'm the bad guy for finding loopholes? You guys are the one

that kidnapped me and tortured me and killed me 500 times.

Yeah, and it's gonna be 501.

Can you please help me with some groceries, please? Oh, I got Pub Supps.

Did you bring the sharp, unripe pineapple I asked for?

I sure did.

Good.

We all know where that's going, don't we Rob?

You guys are waterboarding again without me? Oh no, Dad, it's fine. Rob's taking

turns. I'm just using our dirty toilet water.

I haven't even added the lemon or the chili flakes or whatever else sounds

cool. 8-0-0-0-8-5.

Was that the passcode? Say it again. Yeah, yeah, no, no, say it again.

8-0-0-0-8-5. Like, you know, like boobs, but just with an extra O in the

middle, like three boobs.

Are we in?

Oh, it's one step.

Okay, of many. It's a process. I told you. But look, I helped you.

Now you help me.

I am starving for real food, okay? I want a grouper sandwich from Frenchies.

And I'll get you the next code.

This can end tonight, guys.

We can all have a happy Halloween.

Okay, how do we know he's not lying?

We don't. But we've tried everything else. You might as well try this.

All right, Rob.

I'm going to go to Frenchies and get you a super delicious grouper sandwich.

Can I have a minute with him?

Yeah, of course. We'll be back.

No, no, no, no, no.

Robert, whatever happened to you?

I remember when you were a young boy, you weren't like this at all.

You know, it's never too late.

to make your way onto the nice list.

Think about it, son.

Killed 500 one time.

One, two, three. Yeah, yeah, I got you, I see you.

Yes, yes, yes.

Hi, hi, yes, I've been kidnapped.

I'm sending you a warrant right now. They have guns and they have knives.

Last but not least.

Cakes in the shape of spooky bones Wait,

I know

you guys lieutenant Luna and detective big dick detective Dugas, but you're

also not wrong it's it's mark it's mark and amy you remember us remember our

faces i would never forget a face so equally handsome anyway we caught the

guy who got our money he's tied up in the back room you guys kidnapped someone

you kidnapped me what the um

we shouldn't kill him yet you kidnapped me

and if i happen to like it that was incidental marshall

Dude, you just ruined the surprise. Not nice.

No, I feel I ruin things. I do that. I ruin surprises.

Baby, you got me a title rep.

Yeah, I got him to you as a Halloween present, and he was supposed to stay

quiet until tonight, and he just ruined it.

Totally ruined it. I've been naughty. It's okay. We both kidnap people, right?

We're so cute. I love you so much.

You didn't have to tie me up to make me watch.

You're such a cute couple. Yeah.

That's really sweet.

Love you, babe.

Hey, cops.

We're still here?

No. Justice.

Are you guys real cops, or is this part of the kink? Maybe.

Stop resisting!

Done. That's enough!

Oh, yes, daddy. On the ground! You've got a very commanding presence.

Shut up, idiot.

Go to the torture room. Hey, did you guys get your money back, or are you

still dealing with poverty? Dick! Go to the torture room! You suck.

You're annoying. I'm sorry, I do suck.

Wait, you guys, this?

is insane.

You're looking at some serious prison time here.

Assault? Kidnapping?

Trespassing? Hey now, it is a filmmaker's god-given right to trespass.

Alright, this is 96 take 1.

Some of you may not have noticed, but at various points in that previous scene,

we actually had another actor playing the role of Mark.

We felt it was important to show you just how easy it is to be tricked.

Be careful out there.

And let that be a lesson to you.

And I was in the scene the whole time.

Hi.

Oh, we're here now.

Hey, guys, we're CIA. We already pushed us up the ladder, got the green light.

We have jurisdiction, blah, blah, blah.

Thank God, less paperwork for us. Thank goodness, because, I mean, I get so

uncomfortable when guns are out.

That's concerning.

Well, here's a list of people Rob has stolen from in the last 36 months.

It's almost like we did your job for you. That's our hacker. This is the guy

that's ruined our sex, our marriage.

Wait, you guys have El Cameleon?

Plot twist.

Oh, yeah.

You just want to go in there and get yourself some torture time? Pretty much.

Yes, please, yes.

Torturing bad guys, you know, really strengthens a relationship.

Wow. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I love being married to you.

It's just through those doors.

Let's go.

Yeah, right there.

Are you guys coming with us? Oh, no, there's way too many damn people. You

guys just go. You two, have some fun. It's your time. Have your moment. Forget

about us.

Forget about this face. I will always remember that face.

Thanks, bro.

Bye-bye.

Have you been working out?

Mark always works out.

Safety.

The chameleon blends perfectly into its environment, hiding behind a plain

sight.

I've outran 112 governments.

Even the United States minor outlying islands.

I could be anywhere

Got him.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I can get you triple

your money back.

Okay? Like, tax-free. That's like, what, like, nine grand?

It would be for you guys?

That's a hell of a payday.

Just a shitload of money.

That'd be pretty good, right?

Yeah?

Yeah, not bad.

Because, you know, you could, like, go to this strip club.

I saw those credit card receipts.

Oh, yeah. I heard Macy's is having a big sale.

Yeah. You could go crazy at Macy's.

Can we make a deal here?

This thing's really hot.

So we have a deal here, don't we?

Yeah. Let's get that money transferred over to you guys. We got a deal.

It's Tampa's favorite news guy, Jed Jansen here. We got one!

We got a murder on Halloween, baby!

Yeah! Tell us, what's going on? What's in the barrel? My husband and I, we

found this motherfucker sizzling in the barrel.

Ding-dong, the dick is dead. This is your tax dollars. Hard at work, people.

Worst kitten scum off of the street. All of his clothing proves that he's dead.

Motherfucker.

And that's all the proof I need.

Rob Hubertin is dead.

Do it again. Do the sizzle.

Happy birthday, dear douchebag.

Happy birthday to you.

I'm Jed Jansen.

K-L-I-

Bless up.

No one is looking for you.

He's dead.

All right, guys, no more needless murders.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Hey, guys, the more he's dead, the less time we all have to get the passwords,

all right? Dad, murder's really the only way we've ever bonded as a family. I

feel like these past days have been amazing getting to know you guys better

with needless murdering.

We haven't had this much fun since we went to Lorry Park Zoo.

Just let him be alive for like 10 minutes, all right? Then I can kill him?

Sure. Whoosh.

Whoosh!

Oh, that's not good.

Well, sometimes you gotta jump start it.

All right, there we go. Good. Never gets old.

There you go, Santa. I'll take these.

Oh, you ready to talk?

Well, what's the password?

I think the...

Yeah, I've been trying to tell you the password for like six hours, but you

taped my mouth shut with magic.

Whoopsie. Honest mistake.

Look, Santa's allowed to make mistakes, too.

I'm gonna need my hands free if I'm gonna type in the password. I need to

type it in. I have a whole system.

Yeah. There we go.

And hey, you're not gonna try anything, right? No. Because stabby, stabby,

stabby, stabby.

Okay.

Welcome, chameleon. Please confirm voice recognition.

Let's go, Yankees.

Facial recognition.

Remaining balance.

$418.23.

What is that?

Oh. Oh.

Oh, you thought I saved money?

Invested?

No. I fly to Europe and I rack up... 10k in strip club bills and then i just

steal from a grandma and buy a bag of coke yeah you have been torturing me for

something that doesn't exist idiots so

welcome to tampa

system override complete chameleon you are in control what

just happened oh i just made it look like you guys stole everything

Yeah. So now the system, it sees you guys as the bad guys.

Bank statements, IRS, everything.

It all gets traced back to you.

It's all debt.

Millions and millions of dollars.

Not even your children's children's children are gonna be able to pay it

off. So you guys are gonna rot in jail.

Ralph and Freddy, you're gonna spend your whole lives trying to pay that shit

off.

So...

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

You know, honestly, I'm glad that you killed me.

Now all I have to do is just create a few new identities, put it in some trust

accounts, collect all the health insurance, and give it all back to

myself, and it's all tax-free. You know all this shit's online, right? You can

just Google it.

He's always two steps ahead.

Of course I am.

Dad, what's gonna happen?

Yeah, honey.

What is going to happen?

Yeah,

Mark.

What's going to happen?

I don't...

Go, go, go!

Freddie!

Hey, Freddie, Freddie, Freddie, no, no, keep it in. Come here, come here.

Okay, nobody move!

Hey, grab my hand. Come on.

You're going to be okay.

Yeah, there's no more candy cane now, bitch.

Freddy! Now there's consequences. Now it's permanent!

I'm fine.

You're not okay, Freddy.

You're going to die. It's okay. It's okay.

Don't move!

Harder. Come on. Squeeze.

Let it out there.

There's just a breeze.

It's just... Keep breathing.

I'm really proud of you.

And everything. All the videos we make.

You know, I couldn't make those videos without you.

I'm glad I got blessed with such a great brother. I work so well with and get to

laugh with and fight with and do everything with.

You're the best little brother ever.

I love you, man.

I love you, too.

You set me off with honor.

Before time was time, or space was space, it was

written in stone that you, you...

You would keep us safe.

Go on.

It is your time.

Freddy?

Wait.

Freddy?

I love you.

It's okay, Freddy.

Oh, Freddy's dead.

Freddy's dead.

How does it feel to die?

All right, Ralph.

Looks like we're in a Mexican standoff.

What are you going to do?

He took everything away from me.

He took everything away from my family.

You killed... My brother!

I'm gonna kill you!

Wait, Dad, did you get that on camera?

Yeah, I sure did see it.

Ah, shit. Boys, I have tears. I have, like, literal tears. That was amazing.

Did you get the password, honey?

Yeah, babe. Turns out his password is tinydick1!

All lowercase. I got it, like, five minutes ago on my phone, but I didn't

want to break this moment. Guys, it's so good. I got you, you son of a bitch.

Christmas is saved!

Ow. I hurt so bad.

I don't understand.

Hold on. Family time. Family time.

Okay. All right. Go ahead. Oh, I don't know how you always do this.

Ralph, back here.

Did we make a fake candy cane that looks like the real candy cane and then

tricked you into giving us all of your passwords?

We changed your reality.

I would like to... Seriously, thank you so much for your step-by-step

instructions on how to get millions in insurance.

You're going to make a lot of families happy. From one type A organized brain

to another, bravo. Seriously, bravo! Well, guys, my work here is done.

Enjoy your family time, and I'll see you in a couple of months.

Ho, ho, ho!

He's so cool. How can you be sad around Santa Claus?

I am.

Even though Santa's so cool, I want you to know, you were the best dad in the

world. Dude, yeah, I mean, us helping out, that's just what family's for. Hey,

you boys put in a lot of hard work. Proud of you. Thank you. One big,

beautiful, happy family out thinking this hacking turd.

I'm just, I'm really sorry.

I regret everything that I did, and I, from the bottom of my heart, I'm...

Really sorry that you feel like I'm the bad guy.

I'm... I just wanted to just get back at the people that pushed me down.

And so I started taking from people that didn't deserve it.

And then I took it from you guys.

And I promise I'm never going to hack or steal or do anything bad ever

again.

Do you swear?

Yes, I swear.

Rob, do you swear under oath?

Yeah, I swear, I swear under oath.

Hey Freddie, let's go grab my knife so we could cut his nuts off too.

Then we can force him to sell toasters and a loveless marriage.

Sick'em boys.

Ah,

so sweet!

You boys ready for the grand finale?

Wait!

Alright, you guys scram.

We're leaving!

Something awesome's about to happen.

Yes, Ralph Rumble, I will marry you.

Freddie Rumble, kiss me, you stud.

We're home.

That's it.

Hey guys.

Do you wanna go for a walk?

Yeah, let's go for a walk.

Let's go for a walk.

I've been through it all before.

It's so easy to see.

Just drag me up and then pull the cord.

And play your symphony.

It be shame or what I take. I blame the sense of purity.

So I live my life not afraid of a fight.

And I won't think twice to prove it.

I've gotten quite used to this abuse.

So give me your best shot, best shot. So show me what you got.

I've gotten quite used to this abuse.

So give me your best shot, best shot.

Just show me, show me, show me what you got.

Just show me, show me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Give me your best shot, best shot.

Because I've been defeated more than I've ever seen. Come on! That's my

puppy! That's my puppy! That's your puppy!

Best shot, best shot.

Cause I've benefited more than I.

So show me what you got.

We don't have kids.

Um, we don't have kids.

Yes.

Yeah,

so we hired these kick-ass kid actors.

I am Owen Atlas, and I'm obviously not a dog. Hi, I'm Colin Thompson, and I'm

also not a dog. The only dog I got is a dog and me.

Shane hits me.

End of movie. Wait, wait, wait.

I thought you two were technically in a phishing scam.

I'm not sure you got hacked.

You know, it's like the Nigerian prince things, only more clever.

I've had about enough!

Son of a bitch.

It's a happy Halloween indeed.

I'm here with local neighborhood security guard Jeremy.

Jeremy, what the heck is going on?

I don't know, man. I was at work watching the Tampa Bay Lightning game,

and then all of a sudden, this dude's house just randomly caught on fire. So I

was like, oh, snap, let me go watch it, right? And then I came out here, saw

some of my people, so I was like, yo, we for the party. Y'all know what's up?

Hey, Peanut, what's up, dog? I love you. Tawana, you know I love you, girl.

Tampa Bay!

Tampa Bay!

No one will be sad. This perv is dead.

In fact, the mayor has named today, not all house fires are bad day.

Sometimes God does the right thing and kills the animal abusing pedophilic bath

salt zombie. Ding dong, the bitch is dead, baby. Justice is served.

We got plenty of evidence. We got a boy who found his evidence. If there's any

of you ghouls and goblins out there, come on down to this virtual reality

booth where you can experience what it's like to actually kill a hacker.

blood started going out and the blood tasted so good. Oh, who drew that? I

did. Oh, you're gonna go places.

Thanks, fucker. It is amazing.

It is a big old dick and bull.

Hey there, slugger. So, yeah, it looks like you used the bat.

You had a lot of fun with the bat.

Is it real?

Oh, my God. It was so great to kill my guy.

brains on that motherfucker that won't give you child support i went nine times

because he never could okay viagra hey you uh you

ever tried a banana no good idea let's take a uh turn on the uh killing uh

we'll be right back jim you piece of shit

Whoosh! Christmas!

Oh, amazing!

Oh, I do it sometimes for myself with a belt, but when you do it, Santa, it's

magic. Let's go again. Let's go again. My job is to spread joy.

Yes, yes, yes. I'm the servant. I am Christmas.

My true love.