Original subtitles

Cheese pizza for Rosemary D?

Yeah, that's me.

Okay, I just need you to sign right here.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Um, my boyfriend.

Um, oh, my God, my ex.

He's my ex now.

Um, he used to love pizza.

We loved pizza.

We would get pepperoni half mushroom because I'm a vegetarian.

I don't get it.

This happens to me every time. Every relationship.

I mean, I know I'm taller than most guys, and I have a lot of feelings.

I have so much love to give.

Why doesn't anybody want it?

I want to find someone that loves me.

Rosemary. Who can make me laugh.

Rosemary. And be my best friend. Rosemary!

What? How many people have you slept with in your life?

I don't see how that's relevant at all to what we're talking about right now.

The number, please, woman.

Three.

And how many of those guys were you in love with?

Three. Well, there's your problem.

Stop falling in love with everyone that puts their dick inside of you.

I don't fall in love with everyone who puts their... Wait. You gotta go get

that dick wet.

You gotta slam a bunch of strangers. You gotta be a slut for once in your life.

No, no, no, no. I don't do that. I'm a good girl.

I want to get married, and I want to have babies, and I want to be a good

role model.

I'm 33.

Rosemary, listen to me.

I've been a slut my whole life, and look at me.

I'm hot.

I'm powerful.

I'm sexy.

The dick does not control me.

I control the dick.

I take it when I want it, and throw it away when I don't.

What do you want?

To be fucked over?

Or to fuck?

I don't know.

Okay. Good luck, then.

Wait.

Can you help me?

I can help you.

Slut rule number one.

Open your mind.

Left. Right.

Left. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Down and up.

Down. Up.

The soul cycle.

What is this?

Ariana Grande. No, a mask.

The human centipede.

What is this?

A hammer?

What? No.

Down and up and down.

No, what are you doing? You can't eat it.

There you go. No, you gotta hit the feather. Reach the feather. Reach the

feather. There you go. There you go.

Yeah, I think you dropped something.

Yes. What is this? Clogger.

Yes. What is this? Tickler. Yes.

Who's a dirty, nasty little freak? I'm a dirty, nasty little freak. And who's

gonna get laid? I'm gonna get laid. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

What is this?

Butt plug.

Yes. What is this? Personal lubricant. Fuck attachment. Fuck the outcome. Just

get pleasure. Just have fun. Just fuck full stop. That is what I'm talking

about. Set that pussy free, bitch. But rule number two.

Prepare your butt.

I love that. It's so cute.

I know, right?

Slut rule number three.

Don't be fake.

Hello. God bless America.

Come here, princess. Oh, you're a little princess.

I'm a princess.

You're a little princess.

I have a warrant to search your body. I'm kidding. Can I come in? You look

great.

What's up?

Where do you get wax?

Brazilian and Beverly.

Right there. How many yachts do you have on your island?

Five yachts. You're so much hotter than my life.

It's hurting me.

It's hurting me.

Really pretty.

Thank you.

You're taller than me.

I am.

I brought you a baguette.

Do you want to come inside? Yeah.

Do you want a drink, Ned? Your name is Ned, right?

My name is Ned. My name is Ned.

I brought you a baguette.

Gotta stop bringing baguettes.

Your place is great.

Er. Thanks.

Uh, it's a, it's a lot. Er.

What's a lot?

The place, er, no, I just meant that it was great. The place was great. Thank

you.

You're, um, you're welcome.

So, I, I'm confused. Why are, why are you single?

Oh,

yeah, that makes sense. I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

Do you want me to kill your ex?

Do I want you to kill my ex? I could hide in his car and stab him in

the back.

And... Okay.

I would just... Was that...

Knife. There's a knife through his throat.

It goes through the back of his throat.

Blood drips down his throat.

Then I cover his nose.

Are you done? Yeah, I was done a long time ago. I wish you had stabbed me just

when I stabbed him.

You're funny, Ned.

You're welcome.

No, that's not what you said. Thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I talk when I, when I'm excited, I scream and

I'm very excited.

I'm very excited right now. Are we, are we in love with each other?

I just feel like with what happened between us just now, like we have to be

in love with each other. I don't, I don't know you. I don't even know what

you do for a living.

Okay. I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that. Are you unemployed?

Is that a, is that a turnoff?

Are we still whispering? No, we don't have to keep whispering.

I just feel like my head's going in a million different directions right now.

Okay. I just think we really like each other.

Both of us, a little bit. I don't know.

Well, not... You like me, I think. Okay, yeah, I definitely like you, I can tell

you that, but I think we both really like each other, and what I see for us

is, like, that we hang out for a while, and we date kind of just casually.

And then you're like, should we move in together?

And I'm like, that's a little quick. Don't you think it's a little quick to

be moving in with each other? And then you convince me. And then eventually, a

few years after that, that we've been in love and we love living in this

apartment, you're looking through my underwear drawer.

Why? As like a goof, I like take one of your underwear and I put it in my

underwear. What?

No. I would love to share a dresser. I need my own dresser. Okay, fine. So

you're looking through and you find a ring box.

And you go, Ned, are you going to propose to me?

I go, what? I can't hear you.

Where are you?

I'm in the... Because I'm in the bathroom. I'm taking a poop. You're

taking a poop? And so you come in there. You come in the bathroom, and the door's

wide open.

And you go, were you going to ask to marry me?

I go, oh, crap. I didn't want you to see that. I'm sorry. I wasn't going to ask

to marry you. I was going to discuss it with you.

I was going to see if you wanted to, if that was ever something you'd be

interested in. You go, you know what?

Forget it. And I go, shit, it's over. Forget it. And you go, no.

Because I'm going to... I'm asking you.

And you say, Ned, will you marry me?

And I go, of course, a million times. I knew from the moment I met you I was

going to marry you.

And then you go, well, then kiss me, you big lug.

And so I go, do you want me to... Wipe first. Wipe first. And you actually

don't. Come and kiss me.

And so I come. Holy shit. I come and I kiss you.

Mm-hmm.

And, uh... And then we're happily ever after in a house, and

my mom... What are you doing?

Getting dressed.

Oh, can I not sleep over?

Absolutely not.

Gotta wash these sheets.

Okay, warn somebody when you do something like that.

Well, good night. That was fun. Thank you.

I feel so used.

Listen, Ned, I, um... I'm really trying to do things differently than I have in

the past and keep things casual and light because I really don't want to get

hurt again.

That doesn't even matter because I don't know what I'm looking for, so... I'm

sorry to say that to you, um... But I said it, so there it is.

Okay. That did hurt my feelings a bit, but I guess I'm glad that you say that.

I feel the same way about you, actually, so it doesn't matter. I think you suck

ass.

I think that you suck ass, too.

I should go. Okay. All right. I'll see you. Bye.

Yes. Look.

I think, sincerely, that there's something there between us.

Something that's more than sex. I feel it in my body, and I feel it in my

heart. Okay, thank you for your time. That's all.

Hey, Rosemary.

Hi, Ned. So I just want to make it clear that when I say there's something

more... Between us than sex, I meant that there's like relationship

potential. I didn't mean like that we shouldn't have sex.

Okay, I definitely think that we should still have sex. That was one of the most

magical experiences of my whole life.

I felt incredibly emotional and I get very emotional. That's actually a

problem of mine. I think it's pushed some partners away. I'm actually in

therapy for it now.

And I know that there's a size difference between us. I'm not an idiot.

You're taller than I am.

And I'm small, but I can tell you this, that what I lack in size, I make up for

in body toneness.

And that's a joke. Ha, ha, ha. I'm not very fit.

And I know that I need a job. I need a job badly.

And I will find something great. I don't know what it's going to be. I know that

I don't want to work with horses. I have no expertise with horses. I don't even

know why I'm bringing up horses.

Look, I just feel like I could be a really good partner to you. And I...

i feel like we could work and i feel like i could make you laugh if you let

me and it doesn't have to be with me it could be at me so okay yeah

that's what i wanted to say so okay thank you for your time

hey ned yeah

you want to order your pizza

Yes, or no. Fuck you. What is it? What are you doing? What's going on right

now? Is this a trick? Are you tricking me? Do you want to stay a little longer

and order a pizza with me?

I would.

I would like that.

Do you like mushrooms?

I'm a vegetarian, so clinically I'm what you might call a mushroom boy.

Yeah, I'm a little mushroom girl, too.

I knew you were.

I could tell from the moment I saw you. I knew you were a mushroom girl. I knew

that. Do you mind if I quickly use the bathroom just to pee, not to do?

And then I got, I'm going to go to the kitchen and I'm going to order.

I'll order.