Original subtitles

Thank god! That was in the nick of time.

Here it is.

Come, let's go.

- 200 grams of unpolished rice. - 200 grams of small Chinese, coming up.

Unpolished.

The "Rice Crispies" has always been unpolished if you ask me.

And some south German fruit fiber.

East- or West- German?

Never mind, they're from Lammefjorden anyway.

And half a kilo black soybeans. Aaahh, black beans...

Sexy food, right.

You don't need to comment on everything. Just serve me.

Everything else just bothers my stomach and me.

- Does it want anything more? The stomach... - Crushed ring flower.

Crushed? No, don't be so cruel.

And some sweet rosehip marmalade.

- Anything else? - Yes, a few Sunflower seeds.

- How many? - 927.

927, yes.

What????

Jensen, do you have a minute?

- What is so funny? - It's my Danish colleague.

Never mind. Here.

- How much sunflower seed? - 700 grams. - 700 grams!?

"700 grams of sunflower seeds" Piece by piece!

How long is Ms. "Swedish sun block" going to be here? She makes me nervous!

She doesn't leave until the Swedish intelligence agency decides

that she can't find any more terrorists in Denmark.

Could you at least send her out to the market?

And let her sell mish-mash food in a kiosk.

Jensen, I get the feeling you don't take our undercover operation seriously.

If the intelligence agency told me to work in a health food store -

just to please the intelligence agency, then...

Why can't I go out in the field?

Isn't it time to forget that incident over at the Russian embassy?

When an agent gets shit-faced on Russian vodka and takes a young Russian female...

Aren't you allowed to invite a young lady out for a sleigh ride?

- In the middle of the summer? - Nobody's perfect.

At least I found out she was a Russian agent.

And then questioned her at the Bolsjoj-ballet.

She didn't know anything about any long-distance-missiles.

Jensen!

Watch out for the ladies.

Do you know about a professor Neubau?

Yes, he's a German scientist who lives in Denmark.

Who is trying to come up with a substance to replace oil?

- He died three days ago. - Rest his soul.

And his substance now exists.

Just before his death, he took some pictures of his invention.

- We have that microfilm. - Good for you boss.

On the other hand, only the CIA can process that type of film.

Neubau contacted Carter-

and one of his agents picked up the film.

Your job is to guard the courier so that he can deliver the film safely.

A lot of people would like to get their hands on that substance, Jensen.

What?

What is it boss?

The Danish intelligence agency is going to deliver Neubaus substance to the CIA.

I could sell that microfilm to the Sheik of Obec for ten million crowns.

Have you tried to buy it from the Danes, boss?

Matty Hari, you know very well that the Scorpio doesn't buy, he takes!

- But, I have a good plan. - Fucking great, boss!

The bag.

Thanks.

In order to fool the enemy, we have made this bag with samples.

This little rye bread flavored with brewer's yeast is extraordinary.

We've baked it with the microfilm inside.

No, the courier gets the bag.

Just to be sure, we'll do the double bag trick.

Here's your bag Jensen. Without the microfilm.

Jensen, beware of the ladies!

Yes, sure, chief!

The code is: "Do you need a healthy young man"

"who knows health-food, yoga, ropy milk and thick yogurt?"

Dismissed!

Yes boss.

Yes, my son. That's how you were conceived.

Your father and I worked together in the intelligence agency.

It was a dangerous place to work.

We were so in love we forgot all about that.

Everything about the Scorpio and all the top-secret papers we took from him.

It was wonderful.

The Scorpio! Let's go!

That assignment cost your father his life.

And if I ever catch him

I'll strangle him to death.

You should never turn the other cheek.

Sure it was terrible that he killed my father

but he knew the risks when he took the job.

You should at least be able to speak to him about it.

You don't speak with scorpions.

You stomp on them! And if not, they run away.

That's what I'm going to do. Eh, run away...

- I'm going to apply for a job, ciao! - Bye my son.

What do you want?

- Ropy milk? - Yes, that and high yogurt.

Well, it's that way.

So, was it ropy milk and high yogurt?

Hello, you're right on time.

- Am I? - Sure you are. Right on the dot!

Nobody told me that before.

- I'm not ashamed... - Why would you be ashamed?

- That's what my mother always tells me. - She does. Who is she, your mother?

- Mrs. Irma Andersen. - Irma Andersen?

Young man, may I shake your hand?

It's an honor to shake the hand of the son of the woman

who made this country what it is today.

There isn't a better woman in the whole of Denmark!

Well...

May I call you by your Christian name?

Yes, it's Arnold.

Arnold, it's so Danish. Yes, typical Danish.

Like your mother.

Well Arnold, let's cut to the chase.

Here's the bag with the samples, and a train ticket to Bromby.

You'll be picked up by a big white Buick Skylark

that will take you to the Northern European Meditation Centre.

Allow me to wish you a... pleasant trip...

Tally-ho!

Jensen!

Yes boss?

Do you have any idea who that was? It was Irma Andersen's son.

Irma Andersen?

She who took care of the men in a shower cabin?

- Irma la Douche. - Exactly. That was her son.

Check him out, Jensen.

- And remember: beware of the ladies. - Sure boss.

Yes, mother.

I didn't know they needed this many people in the health-food business.

Yes, I got the job.

Good my son.

Now, you work hard with the healthy food and don't go to bed too late.

Okay.

Bye for now.

The intelligence agency's courier is on a train to Bromby.

And he has a bag full of... ... health-food products?!

Find out who he is, and what kind of bag he uses.

Alfa Bravo Charlie Delta, come in.

- What can I do for you? - Do you need someone

who knows health food, yoga, ropy milk and thick yogurt?

- It's ropy milk and thick yogurt. - Oooh... Give me a minute.

- Stick 'em up! - What?

"Ropy milk and thick yogurt" Do you think we're idiots?

Where you from?

Russia? China? Albania? Or even worse, are you from Norway?

My boss is Jimmy Carter, president of the United States of America.

- Can you prove it? - I've got a tape.

Let's hear it.

To whom it may concern.

I hereby confirm that this man, Hubert W. Horsepower-

- really does represent the United States government.

Spoken, and signed, by Jimmy Carter. Please believe...

If you're the courier, who is...

Taxi!

There he is, the CIA guy Hubert W. Horsepower.

It's Jensen who is the courier. I repeat. Jensen is the courier.

He has a white Thai Air bag.

Got it. Lizzie is on her way. I repeat. Lizzie is on her way.

- Over and out. - Yes, boss.

Come on! We have to catch that fucking train!

Shit!!

Penny, I'm going to Bromby to assassinate Andersen.

And find out how much his mother knows. Hurry!!

- Hi, could I speak to Mr. Arnold Andersson? - He's not at home.

- But he lives here, right? - Yes.

- Are you his mother? - No.

- Is his mother at home? - Yes.

Ah fuck, I don't have all day. Can I speak to her!?

Berta, who was it who...

- Lizzie, is everything under control? - Yes, yes.

Get onboard.

I'm just here to ask a few simple questions. And as soon as you answer them I'm...

- What are you doing? - I'm locking the door. No compromises.

Yes, but...

No buts. Fuck me.

Yes, but...

"Beware of the ladies"

I'm going to.

Who is he?

Who's are these?

- But... - Where is he?

Are you cheating on me with a Tyrolean?

- A Tyrolean! You must be out of your mind! - I'm going to find out who this guy is.

My flower. My dove... my darling... .

Big, bad, stupid, wonderful boy...

Close your eyes and be ready.

- Close your eyes. - Yes, but not too long right?

Not too long.

Come here.

Aaah, fuck!

- Would Mr. and Mrs. like anything to eat? - Thanks, we have something.

Is this the fist time you've met Mr. Jensen?

He can be quite a guy if you don't know him.

I know where I've got him.

"He who has no trousers"

"has to show his bare ass. "

Move it. What do you think this is? A field trip?

I thought so. Special corset number four.

That is the same old crap we used in my time.

- Do you remember this one? - Sure, it's a great piece.

That's when I knocked everybody out.

The panties!

Now, that's clever. A nylon rope.

That we didn't have!

We'd like an explanation.

- A bowl to mix the salad in? - Thanks, we have everything we need.

Please give us a...

... bottle of cognac.

- Was this really Jensen's bag? - We were to only ones in the bathroom.

It wasn't meant as a critique.

No, I get it! Jensen wasn't the only one in the compartment.

I think they just pulled the double bag trick.

The double bag trick?

Beautiful day isn't it?

How could a fake courier fool you?

No problem. We'll get there when the train arrives.

The other one has to be the real courier.

Wait here.

Pardon me, what is it you're reading?

It's a brochure from the North European Meditation Centre.

- You're going to attend a course? - Do you practice yoga?

No, just the thought of uncomfortable positions makes be dizzy.

That's because you're not doing it right.

The most important part is to relax. I'll show you.

The Lotus position, the easiest one.

It's the basis for all other positions.

You should be able to do that one. Even without any practice.

There you go.

I'll be damned; the Scorpio is really into healthy food these days.

And then the more tricky position. "The Ox Frog".

You have to be careful not to lock yourself up.

If you twist my shoulder...

- Like that. - Now I'm locked.

Keep up the good work.

What are you doing?

You can't...

Ciao.

I'm stuck. You have to help me!

That's dreadful. Come back here!

My Arnold is neither a half nor double, nor complete agent! He doesn't know about this?

How awful. My boss is on his way to kill him. He thinks he's one of the Scorpio's henchmen.

The Scorpio?

There's no time to lose.

The panties?

Aha!

Do you have anything else stuck down there?

- Stop it. - What was it we did last time?

What the hell is it?

What the hell?

Where is she!? Who is she?!

I demand an explanation!

- I'm sorry they just... - I can't leave you alone for one second!

Will you admit to it now? Or do I have to punish you even more?

"Beware of the ladies, Jensen!"

Yes... whatever...

What is the world coming to?

When I was young

people like that were punished in medieval ways!

When you were young, the train hadn't been invented yet.

Mon dieu

Faster! Anything could happen with the Scorpio in the picture.

It's impossible. It can't be true.

Do Mr. and Mrs. wish anything to drink with the hors d'oeuvres?

Perhaps a Chateau Rothschild '55?

Give us a bottle of whisky!

No film.

Perhaps they did the triple bag trick?

- Nah, it's too clever. - The triple bag trick?

We have to find the Scorpio.

- Any sparkling water? - No.

It's Citron-B�rge and Matty. We don't have, I repeat...

We don't have the merchandise.

- Idiots! Come. - Okay boss.

Go directly to Bromberg. I repeat, go directly to Bromberg!

You got it boss. Over and out!

Do you get any discount if you count the miles...

... or the crossroads we've passed?

Frankly.

I can tell something has happened.

The question is whether or not I should get involved.

Push my shoulder.

It's about fucking time.

Young man, watch your language. Or I'll twist you up again.

A double knot!

Who the hell has the real bag?!

And where is Lizzie?

No idea. And, we're in Bromby now.

Now, don't forget the bill.

Two coffees, a bottle of cognac and a... bottle of whisky

That's 789 and 50 sir, including cleaning.

I'm in the health food business.

I'd like to go to the North European Meditation Centre.

- Should we take him now? - No, let's follow him.

You have no idea what I've been through.

I bet any minute now a naked woman will come running...

... along the tracks...

My lord!

Let's take him here.

- What about the fake courier? - Aaahhh. As long as the microfilm is there.

My lord.

Then, it's just to Bromberg and deliver the merchandise.

Step on it, Berta.

What has happened?

What are you doing?

- It's my brother. - Your brother?

You Copenhageners have a way with family.

The bag, dammit!

Where is the bag?

Did you see who's lying here?

Government employees They sleep all day.

- Where is bag? - The hell with the bag!

He didn't carry the microfilm in the bag. He has it on him!

Let's take him!

Just a second.

Are you bringing your guide dog with you... ?

- Keep an eye on him? - Okay.

The gents are expected.

The prophet is expecting you in the meditation hall in about 20 minutes.

Shit!

- Okay, we're safe. - Shouldn't we deliver the bag now?

No.

I'm tired of picking roasted chestnuts from an open fire.

If only Jensen hadn't messed up the code word.

I'm going to give it to him...

He's going to have the shock of his lifetime.

I'm going to enjoy the look on Jensen's face when he thinks the microfilm is gone.

Come on. Let's visit the prophet.

Damn, this is way better then doing dirty secret agent work in South America.

Bravo!

Bravo!

Dear colleagues, there's been a little misunderstanding.

So, the film arrived with the wrong courier.

But I managed

to avoid further catastrophies. So, my dear gentleman... I now give you. . , .

the treasured micro fiii...

... iine weather we have today, sir.

The Scorpio. We're ruined!

- That's terrible. - What happened?

What do ya mean?

This was in the car. And it's Arnolds!

Is something wrong?

No, we just arrived.

I'll call for help; I'm just going to give these chefs a ride to Blomberg.

Bromberg?

That's more like it!

Which of you gentlemen has the microfilm?

- Hmmm... I'll find out. - What film?

Why do you think you're here?

I'm here to deliver a bag, with a few samples in it

and then go home, I guess.

Mister Virgin himself!

Let's play a game of pool.

Why not a game of Carambole.

Let's play the winner goes first into treatment.

This is Kokonono...

Kokonono guards my upper half...

. . and little Billy here, guards my lower parts.

I don't want to do this. I can't play.

- I'm saying who's in or not. - But, I can't play pool.

You'd better learn then, fast as hell...

I've always dreamt of learning how to play pool.

We made it in.

Understood.

- Berta... Let's do this. - Yes.

I'm first. What a bad position.

The first one to go down 13 points will be first.

If you don't give me the film...

- I know nothing. - That's what everybody says.

Think positively my young man. Do you want to start?

I don't know.

My talents can't be bought for a game of pool.

I don't want to.

It's incredible how fast you can learn to appreciate pool.

That's minus six points. Mark it ladies.

- You're next, my dear colleague. - Thanks.

It's my turn.

Pardon me.

It's nothing.

- You don't understand that. - Thanks.

Welcome.

That's minus four points. Mark it ladies.

- Now it's our foreign friend. - I'm ready.

That's plus four points. Mark it ladies.

Now the big shot.

Is this the intelligence agency?

You're speaking to Agent 69 Jensen. Could I speak to...

What? Are you in a meeting?

It's very important...

What? Closed up?

I need a helicopter, right away!

Could I send in an order for one? No, no I don't have the time!

Are all my rights to book helicopters revoked?

I have to deal with a very awkward situation here.

No, I do not have my boss' rights to override the budget.

Work permits?

Well, I hereby order four copies...

. . in reasonable office hours.

Go to hell!

That was minus six points.

The pleasure is all yours.

Or tell me where the microfilm is.

- I don't know anything. - Do I have to force you?

Once I'm out of here

I'm going to file a complaint with the sportmen's association!

I'm getting you kicked out of the Danish Pool Federation!

I'm going to...

It's a pretty fun game...

Ten minus, mark it ladies.

What about a little drink.

Yes please.

I've seen that face before.

I have to look at this a little closer, when we've found the microfilm.

It's not in my room.

If it is, we're going to find it.

Shall we continue? Whose turn is it?

You!

Who are you?

Next time, wear something smaller, and comfortable.

Its ladies like that you should hire

instead of those ugly women the intelligence agency sends you.

Shall we continue?

It's almost impossible to focus on this game when he runs around like that!

- Play! - Play!

You gave me a tough nut to crack.

That's fucking beautiful. Six points plus!

Look through all rooms. I want that microfilm!

Go to work!

Let's check the next room.

And I'll do the boss' room.

And I'm going to search this good.

I want guards on all doors. Understood?

Whose little girl are you?

Are you shy?

You're new here right?

Then it was good you bumped into me.

Because I'm the one in charge, next to the Scorpio of course.

He let's me deal with everything.

So if you want things to done. Just ask Citron-B�rge here.

And I'll to take care if it... If you know what I mean.

Why are you so afraid of showing your face?

You're ass looks so beautiful.

The Scorpio and I like beautiful girls.

We definitely like young girls who are willing.

When we meet girls like that...

... we want to stuff them really good. If you know what I mean.

This is the first lesson in sanitary engineering.

In Citron-B�rge's course for new cleaning ladies.

Just give in, and learn how to please a feather duster.

Oooh... Nooo

No, I mean yes...

You see this is not that bad? It's wonderful.

Oh no.

Aaah...

You have what it takes. Tomorrow I'll teach you how to do vacuuming.

But until then, I'll give you great references

that you can use when you're done cleaning here.

When it comes to imitating the prime minister's signature, I'm a wizard.

I can do several other signatures too...

What the hell.

Berta.

- We've got to find Arnold. - Yes, but what about the guard?

I've got an idea, come on.

Boss! Boss! The film is gone. She took it.

- Who is she? - The cleaning lady.

I knew there was something rotten in the state of Denmark. Close the gates.

Come on guys, we've got to get that cleaning lady.

Move it! She can't get away.

Psst!

Shit! It's the cleaning lady.

Okay, okay. We'll start preparing dinner.

Imagine that, you're not even allowed to go to the bathroom.

I've got her.

She doesn't have it!

Have you examined her?

There?

And there?

And there?

I've been there...

Where is the microfilm?

Kokonono.

Boss, the Sheik of Obec has arrived.

Shit...

I thought we'd have the film by the time the Sheik arrived.

Not a word to the Sheik!

- How? - How? I don't know. Come up with something.

Tell him you don't do business before sunset.

Welcome to Bromberg, your highness. I hope your trip was a pleasant one.

Microfilm?

In this country we don't do business before supper.

Yes, It'll take a while.

Getting fresh camel balls wasn't easy you know.

Should camel balls be cooked, boiled, fried or coated with egg and breadcrumbs?

Camel balls should be roasted on an open fire...

There should at least be something nipping at your nose.

We have to find that film at all costs.

Where the fuck have you been?

It's not easy hitchhiking these days.

Yes, dressed like that I'm amazed you even got here.

B�rge, show her to the Sheik, to distract him for a while.

While you're looking for that damned film.

And now, let's use all means necessary.

Alone at last, lovely colleague. We are colleagues right?

Do you mind if I search you?

Absolutely not.

Okay, my strong, well equipped man... Do you have the film?

Perhaps I do.

- Did you hide it here? - Perhaps I did...

If this is film, it's not a micro... It's a mammothfilm.

"Que diriez-vous de patisserie, mon seigneur"

You see. Good, right?

Oui' Oui.

Excuse me.

Now I know why you Arabs have more than one wife.

You need four just to hold up the tent.

- He doesn't have the microfilm. - Shit!

Hands up!

You're not even allowed to go shopping.

Invitation? No, but I can prove to you who I am.

- Am I interrupting? - No No.

Give me a helping hand here.

I like you. As long as you trust me.

We could do things together, you and I.

- So, what do you say? - Aren't there too many people here?

Get lost!

Now I'm going to show you my secret agent skills.

- Someone is coming. - The veil.

It's Jensen!

What are you doing here?

Don't you recognize me from the firm, little Jensen?

Irma la Douche.

- What the fuck are you doing here! - They've taken Penny.

Okay, trust me.

Someone is coming.

Oh shit!!

More are coming.

What the fuck is going on?

- Do you want to taste some? - No, I don't like Arab food.

Get me out of here.

There isn't anyone in the kitchen.

Help me with the goddamned film!

I think you could use all of it.

Great.

We need some pepper too.

I want the fucking film! Where the hell is it!

Search the house, turn it upside down!

- You like me don't you. - Yes.

Yes, I can feel that you do...

Find the fucking film!

FIND IT!

Well, I have to go. It doesn't seem that you had the film anyway.

- Yes? - No.

- But I got clean. - So take the next guy then!

No, please. I had to screw Horsepower more than twice

before he told me he didn't have the film.

Go to work!

What are you looking at? Go help her out!

Damn microfilm!

Add some curry.

Easy.

Matty, we have them down here.

All right, we're coming.

The film?

Who has the microfilm?

Excuse me.

Mother!

Come on!

As long as I don't get a fever, and become sick.

What would mother and grandmother say?

- You should be ashamed of yourself. - He doesn't have the film.

So, help me out!

Where can that film be?

- Are you sure nobody has it? - Yes.

We have to find it, even if we have to tear the entire building down.

- What about the Sheik? - Operation Kadang?

Matty, you're a hero.

Your welcome.

I got that.

Goat milk?

Perhaps one should become a Muslim?

Matty?

You've got a nice car. Do you drive yourself?

Driving older cars, you really have to have a knack for acceleration.

Most cars have a pretty rough gear stick, with five gears.

You really have to know how to work the gear stick right.

Working the stick gives the best results in the end, don't you think?

It all depends on whether the car is

new or driven before.

Driven before?

Yes, if you've driven it before, you know how it feels, and you'll know how to work it.

Yes sure, you know how to work it.

That's the point isn't it? If you've been there before, you know how good it feels.

It feels good in the end. It's a smooth, and silent ride that really pays off in the end.

- B�rge! - Sorry boss.

- It's in progress. - It was something else.

I'm very fascinated by the technology behind the car engine.

Oh, the combustion engine.

With enough friction there is enough heat in one or more cylinders.

The more cylinders, the more action.

Finally, the engine is so ready it just explodes.

Cheers.

Yes, cheers.

The tip is the most sensitive part of the stick.

Therefore, the engine has to have a very prominent cooler.

The most useful is the air conditioning.

... and water cooler.

Couscous.

Yes, yes yes yes

Come on.

Mother!

... Arabic food. Taste it, young man.

- What is happening? - Nothing.

It's an Arabic tradition-

that the youngest man at the table takes the first bite.

Weird tradition.

Young people have strong stomachs

and if they can't eat the food-

nobody else can either.

Oui, oui.

I thought I just got one.

Jesus.

It's not just any dish.

What's it made of?

It's an old Arabic recipe

my mother got from an Irish tobacconist.

- What's in it? - You'd rather not know.

Thanks.

Something wrong?

Here. Help yourself.

Cheers.

You're served well here.

And the servants are charming.

Oh, sorry.

- It's just that... JENSEN! - Just grab me.

There are a few things you can't ask of me.

This place has been seized by the Scorpio!

You catch on quick.

- He's going to steal the microfilm. - Yes, I know, but where the hell is it?

You like my Harem?

It's a nice costume Jensen.

It becomes you.

Do you want to sit down? There's a plate here for you.

Weird stuffing they have in the bread.

The microfilm!

Catch her!

Stop it!

Where are you all going?

Stop it!

Make love, not war.

What's all the noise?

Can't we just sit down and talk about it?

We are all grown-ups.

Did you just hit me?

Here you go.

- Are there any more? - Arnold knows his ways.

Sorry.

After them!

It came so suddenly.

Get in. Get ready for the payback.

Assholes!

The gas pedal is stuck to the floor.

Where the fuck is the gate?

Shit!

Try City Hall.

As the town's mayor, you have asked me

to perform this marriage...

Can't you see there's a wedding going on here?

Don't you know it's a crime "against passion" to interrupt a wedding?

Yes...

As the town's mayor, you have asked me

to perform this marriage...

Hello.

Do you, Didrik Hansen and Katrine Jorginsen-

wish to enter into holy matrimony?

If so, I ask you, Didrik Hansen,

do you take Katrine Jorginsen to be your beloved wife?

- Yes. - She twists his arm!

If you can't keep your voice down I'm calling the police.

Do you Katrine Jorginsen, take Didrik Hansen to be your beloved husband?

Get away!

And look back upon this day

as the most important day of your lives...

Blood revenge!

What is going on?

Hands up!

Give me the microfilm!

Hands down!

Great mother!

- You're getting married, Mr. Jensen? - I can explain everything.

- Almost everything. - I sure hope so.

Now, give me the film.

Thanks... Jensen.

Keep going mayor.

- Is it always like this? - No.

You can have the damned thing.

Make love, not war.

Bio-dynamic potatoes and unbleached flour.

Are you in need of a young healthy man who knows health food and yoga?

"Ropy milk and thick yoghurt... " Who the hell are you?

I asked them to come here to pick up the reward

as a token of our gratitude.

Thanks to you, professor Neubau's formula came into the right hands.

- You're welcome. - Thanks.

- What about me? - You, you just did your job.

- Should we celebrate with carrot juice? - I prefer goat milk.

That's right my boy, it's good for the... talent!

You're right.

Do we have something new coming up, where we'd use the double trousers trick?

- That's my trousers. - I know everything about you and my wife.

The ladies, Jensen. The ladies.