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When I was a child in India,
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00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:42,959
growing up in the tiny village
of Harenmahkeester,
3
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:47,213
I found a voice-over machine,
4
00:00:48,673 --> 00:00:51,384
which I still use to this day.
5
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:52,635
Oh, hi.
6
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:57,474
I decided to use
the Morgan Freeman setting.
7
00:00:57,557 --> 00:01:00,477
I am His Holiness the Guru Pitka.
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00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,730
In my book, If You're Happy
and You Know it, Think Again,
9
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:08,735
I speak of intimacy, or "into-me-I-see."
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00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:13,114
Intimacy is like putting your wiener
on the table and having someone say,
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00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,742
"That looks like a penis, only smaller."
12
00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:19,496
Only smaller.
13
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:26,586
Though I was raised here in India,
I was born in America,
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00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,671
which is where our journey begins.
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00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:33,259
It's the story of a hockey player
named Darren Roanoke,
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00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:38,264
my most resistant student,
who became my greatest teacher.
17
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,727
Or some such bullshit. I don't know.
Gotta go!
18
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:52,112
- Hi, I'm Trent Lueders!
- And I'm Jay Kell.
19
00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:54,489
Tonight is all about champions.
20
00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:55,615
But before we get going,
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00:01:55,698 --> 00:01:58,827
I'd like to start by thanking
my own personal champions.
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00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:01,121
The fans who supported me
with their cards and letters
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00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:05,750
during my recent addiction
to peyote buttons and Frangelico.
24
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:10,421
I've already apologized to my friends,
my family, and my god.
25
00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:13,299
And now, I'd like to apologize
to Dame Judi Dench
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00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,885
for my vicious and brutal attack.
27
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:20,557
I'm sorry, Judi, you did not deserve that,
and I hope the staples come out soon.
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00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,392
Over to you, Trent.
29
00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:24,644
Thanks, Jay!
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00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:27,897
Tonight, the Toronto Maple Leafs'
Darren Roanoke
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00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,650
is the subject of our player profile.
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Hockey has its legends.
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00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,905
Now, the new one, Darren Roanoke.
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00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:40,535
Known as the Tiger Woods of hockey,
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00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:42,996
Roanoke brought the sport
to a whole new audience.
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00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,373
- Hey, yo, check this, son!
- Check this!
37
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:50,503
A role model turned bad boy.
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He was in a perfect marriage.
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00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:53,840
But before the playoffs,
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00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:57,594
he stunned the world
by separating from his wife, Prudence.
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From role model to dating models.
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00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,518
Roanoke found out his wife, Prudence,
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00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:07,437
was dating the L.A. Kings' legendary
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00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,857
French-Canadian goalie,
Jacques "Le Coq" Grande.
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00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,694
He earned his nickname, "Le Coq,"
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for reasons that cannot be stated
on this program.
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This interview is over.
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Holy...
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00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,958
That's when Roanoke fell apart.
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00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:33,171
Roanoke is hit hard.
Open net! He misses!
51
00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:34,964
Damn, damn, damn!
52
00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:40,637
But the question on everyone's mind is,
can the Leafs win without Roanoke?
53
00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:44,557
Well, can we win the Cup
without Roanoke?
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00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,226
Not a chance, boss.
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00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,646
As long as Jacques "Le Coq" Grande
is banging Darren's wife,
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00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:51,022
Darren's toast.
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00:03:51,105 --> 00:03:55,568
My father once told me the Yankees
hired a guru to turn their team around.
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00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:56,819
I have our guru.
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00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,739
If he can fix Darren, we win the Cup.
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00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:02,700
They call him the Love Guru.
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00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,927
Tumble out of bed
and I stumble to the kitchen
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00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:05,096
Pour myself a cup of ambition
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00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:07,974
Yawning, stretching, try to come to life
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00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:12,145
Jump in the shower
and the blood starts pumping
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00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:14,105
Out on the streets
the traffic starts jumping
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00:05:14,188 --> 00:05:18,318
With folks like me on the job
from 9:00 to 5:00
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00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,737
Working 9:00 to 5:00
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00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:23,031
What a way to make a living
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00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:27,660
Barely getting by
it's all taking and no giving
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00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:32,290
They just use your mind
and they never give you credit
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00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:37,420
It's enough to drive you crazy
if you let it
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00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:48,931
They let your dream
just to watch them shatter
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00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,933
You're just a step
on the boss man's ladder
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00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:55,646
But you've got dreams
he'll never take away
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You're in the same boat
with a lot of your friends
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Waiting for the day
your ship will come in
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00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:04,614
And the tide's gonna turn
and it's all gonna roll your way
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00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:09,202
Working 9:00 to 5:00
for service and devotion
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00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:13,790
You would think that I
would deserve a fair promotion
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00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:18,419
Want to move ahead
but the boss won't seem to let me
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00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:23,049
I swear sometimes
that man is out to get me
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00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,385
Working 9:00 to 5:00
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00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,637
What a way to make a living
84
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:32,308
Barely getting by
it's all taking and no giving
85
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:36,896
They just use your mind
and they never give you credit
86
00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:41,484
It's enough to drive you crazy
if you let it
87
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:43,820
Working 9:00 to 5:00
88
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:46,072
What a way to make a living
89
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:50,743
Barely getting by
it's all taking and no giving
90
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:55,373
They just use your mind
and they never give you credit
91
00:06:55,456 --> 00:07:00,002
It's enough to drive you crazy
if you let it
92
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,588
Working 9:00 to 5:00, yeah!
93
00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:16,269
Here we go, here we go.
94
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,737
Mariska Hargitay, Speedy. Yeah.
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00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,657
Ride 'em, cowboy.
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00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:32,034
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
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00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:36,539
Rajneesh! Mariska Hargitay.
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00:07:37,039 --> 00:07:39,625
Your manager Richard Pants is here.
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00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:41,919
Dick Pants. Send him in.
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00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:46,007
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
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00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:49,093
Have you seen today's paper?
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00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:50,303
Oh, don't tell me,
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00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:53,514
it's another article about
Deepak Chopra being number one
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00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,308
and me being number two?
105
00:07:55,391 --> 00:07:57,393
Not in as many words.
106
00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:02,148
Quaking pudding! I can't take this!
107
00:08:02,231 --> 00:08:04,358
Not again! What? Why, why?
108
00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:07,820
Babu, to be the world's
second most popular
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00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:12,158
Neo-Eastern-Self-Help-Spiritualist
is no small thing.
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00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:17,205
Thank you, Rajneesh.
You are my compass.
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00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:21,834
Give me a pound.
112
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,669
Lock it down.
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00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,296
Break the pickle.
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00:08:25,379 --> 00:08:26,923
Tickle, tickle.
115
00:08:29,091 --> 00:08:30,134
- You!
- You!
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00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,094
- Well, no, you!
- You!
117
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:35,848
No, no, no! You!
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00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,517
Okay. You!
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00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,935
No! You!
120
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:41,437
Stop it!
121
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,816
Who's the gift basket from, Dick?
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00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,860
Brad and Angelina.
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00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:51,697
It says,
"Thank you for the gift of true intimacy,
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00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:55,076
"but we've decided
to work with Deepak instead."
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00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:58,829
What does Deepak Chopra have
that I don't have?
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He's been on Oprah.
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00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:02,333
Oprah!
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00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:08,339
And Oprah loves a great story.
Now, take a look at this.
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00:09:08,464 --> 00:09:11,634
The Toronto Maple Leafs
will pay you $2 million,
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00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,428
if you can get Darren Roanoke
back with his wife
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00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,347
in time to win the Stanley Cup.
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00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:19,433
Two million dollars!
133
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:20,768
That's a lot of cheese.
134
00:09:20,851 --> 00:09:23,437
But wait, it gets better!
135
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,064
I spoke to Oprah's producers,
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00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:27,400
and if you can restore
Darren Roanoke's marriage,
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00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:30,528
they guarantee
that you will be on her show!
138
00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:33,155
Let me get this straight.
139
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:37,243
If I fix their marriage, I get on Oprah,
140
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:41,789
and if I get on Oprah,
I'm the next Deepak Chopra!
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00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:49,547
Deepak Chopra. Maurice Pitka.
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00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:52,925
Please enter the ashram
of the Guru Tugginmypudha.
143
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:07,440
Guru Tugginmypudha,
you are so good with nunchucks,
144
00:10:07,523 --> 00:10:09,233
yet you are blind.
145
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:10,860
I am not blind.
146
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:14,572
I am just severely cross-eyed.
147
00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:16,657
I know, it is weird.
148
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,035
Be seated.
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00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,257
Deepak, here you go.
150
00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:43,100
Maurice, you're not of Indian blood.
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00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,728
Speak of your parents.
152
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:49,065
They are both dead.
They were missionaries.
153
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,651
And what did they do before then?
154
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:54,028
They were dog stylists.
155
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:56,489
So, let me get this straight.
156
00:10:56,572 --> 00:11:00,743
They were into doggy style
before the missionary position?
157
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:07,583
That's hilarious.
My parents are dead. Thanks.
158
00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:09,835
Deepak,
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00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:13,589
why do you want to join
the Tugginmypudha Ashram?
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00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,549
To seek my true self.
161
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,635
All right, kiss ass.
162
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:22,181
Maurice, why do you want to join?
163
00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:25,351
I want to become a guru
so girls will like me.
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00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:27,436
Then I will like myself.
165
00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:32,608
Deepak, you will enjoy love in all forms.
166
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,653
Maurice, you must
wear this chastity belt.
167
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:41,867
Chastity belt? That sucks!
168
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,369
Once you have learned
169
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:47,707
that self-love is more important
than being loved by others,
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00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,208
you may remove the belt.
171
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:54,630
Master, if I am not allowed
to be with a woman, may I still...
172
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,634
You will go cross-eyed!
173
00:12:00,636 --> 00:12:02,012
Guaranteed.
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00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:18,904
- Mariska Hargitay. Yeah.
- Mariska Hargitay.
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00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:21,699
I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.
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00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:23,409
Welcome to my ashram,
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00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:26,537
the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment
Initiative Organization,
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00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:29,915
or EIEIO.
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00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:33,085
- Guru Pitka had a farm.
- EIEIO.
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00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:36,839
- And on that farm, he did no harm.
- EIEIO.
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00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:40,301
Okay.
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00:12:40,384 --> 00:12:44,013
If I sit like this any longer,
I'm gonna pop my dink bag.
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00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,433
Listen up. I am a guru.
184
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:49,769
Let's look at the word "guru," okay?
185
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:54,523
My goal is to get you to say,
"Gee, you are you."
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00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,526
TM.
187
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:01,947
And the you of "guru" is intimacy.
188
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:04,116
Or "into-me-l-see."
189
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,576
I see.
190
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:08,162
Without intimacy, you feel nowhere.
191
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:15,044
Tonight I want you to go
from nowhere to "now here."
192
00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:18,130
Yeah.
193
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:20,382
It's like in The Electric Company,
you know?
194
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:23,344
- Now...
- Here.
195
00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:25,721
- Nowhere.
- Nowhere.
196
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:30,476
My laws of intimacy
are kind of like my Bible.
197
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:33,479
And let's look at the word "Bible,"
shall we?
198
00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:37,566
The Bible is "basic instructions
before leaving earth."
199
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:38,692
TM.
200
00:13:40,569 --> 00:13:42,947
Put that shit on a T-shirt.
201
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:44,657
Show the T-shirt.
202
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:51,747
Now, I myself
have a guru, Guru Tugginmypudha.
203
00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:57,419
And my guru, Guru Tugginmypudha
had a guru, Guru Cheddafrumunda.
204
00:13:57,503 --> 00:14:02,258
And Guru Cheddafrumunda
had a guru, Guru Hathasmalvena.
205
00:14:02,758 --> 00:14:06,303
Guru Hathasmalvena had
two main periods of his Gita,
206
00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:08,222
or words of wisdom.
207
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:11,892
The first period
came before he got syphilis.
208
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:17,231
Some pre-syphilitic
words of wisdom include,
209
00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:19,775
"To know something is good.
210
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:25,114
"To do something is God."
211
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,829
Then, after he got syphilis,
he would say things like,
212
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:34,206
"Eatin' ain't cheatin'."
213
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:37,042
"Did it smell that bad when you ate it?"
214
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:40,546
"Liquor up front, poker in back."
215
00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:42,882
But his point was this,
216
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:46,218
"If you can't love yourself,
you can't love another."
217
00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:50,306
And that's the end of that one. Yeah.
218
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,725
Mariska Hargitay.
219
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,102
Some announcements.
220
00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:56,729
On Friday, please join us
221
00:14:56,812 --> 00:15:00,482
for our first annual Gamblers
Anonymous Monte Carlo Night.
222
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:05,404
Yeah. Just for funzies, you know.
Bring your singles. Yeah.
223
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:08,240
All right, good night, everyone! Yeah!
224
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:10,117
Thank you so much!
225
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,214
Great show, Guru Pitka.
226
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:27,092
Hey, any bears in the cave?
227
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:28,510
- Any bears?
- Oh, yeah.
228
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,930
Bear cub. Left cave.
229
00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:32,181
- Right here?
- There. Right there.
230
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:33,265
Yeah. Right.
231
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:37,019
That little booger gave me a
nose-whistle during the whole show.
232
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:45,402
Now, I'm ready to receive.
233
00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:50,282
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
234
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:52,868
Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson.
235
00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:05,172
Did you get into the VIP room okay?
236
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,801
I love you.
237
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:12,429
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
238
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,723
Mariska Hargitay, Val Kilmer.
239
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:25,484
Why do you hurt me?
240
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:29,279
I know why. I know why.
241
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:33,325
- Mariska Hargitay, Guru Pitka.
- Mariska Hargitay...
242
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:39,373
Mariska Hargitay.
243
00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:41,291
I so enjoyed your sutra,
244
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,460
especially the part
about not being a victim.
245
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:44,503
Well, thank you.
246
00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:46,922
Because you are such
a generous benefactor,
247
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,968
we are establishing the
"Mariska Hargitay Special Victims Unit."
248
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:57,891
The whole nine yards.
249
00:16:57,975 --> 00:16:59,852
Thank you, Your Holiness.
250
00:16:59,935 --> 00:17:04,106
You have gone
from nowhere to now here.
251
00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:08,068
I'm beautiful and I have a secret.
252
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:10,154
Bang.
253
00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:14,992
Yes.
254
00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:20,289
Guru Pitka, this is Jane Bullard,
owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
255
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:53,072
- Guru Pitka?
- Hold on one second.
256
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,990
Guru Pitka?
257
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,658
No!
258
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:01,580
So, you are the owner
of the ice hockey team,
259
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,624
the Toronto Maple Leaves?
260
00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:06,543
- Actually, it's Leafs.
- Who said that?
261
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:09,505
How did you get there?
262
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,466
This little guy
scared the crap out of me.
263
00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:13,926
I think I'm gonna have to do
a panty check.
264
00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:16,887
I might have some
monkey-mustard back there.
265
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,555
No, I am good.
266
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:20,641
Who is this prick?
267
00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:23,519
Well, how do you do? Shrimp?
268
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,146
What'd you call me, Jagamo?
269
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:29,024
I'm sorry,
I didn't catch your gnome... Name!
270
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,777
You are a midget.
271
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,696
I find that term condescending!
272
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:38,492
Condescending.
That's a big word for you.
273
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,120
The man's an ass!
274
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:44,331
Your Holiness, you're an expert on love.
275
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:45,457
Yes, I am.
276
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:48,544
Why do you think Darren Roanoke
threw away his marriage?
277
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:52,256
Well, in my book,
I Know You Are, But What Am I?
278
00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:54,383
I explain that when love goes wrong...
279
00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:56,093
- Nothing goes right.
...nothing goes right.
280
00:18:56,176 --> 00:18:58,804
- Yes!
- I've read it. It's impressive.
281
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:01,306
Yeah, it's nothing short
of a masterpiece.
282
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:04,643
So, do you think you can come back
with us to Toronto in the team jet?
283
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:07,229
- It's a date.
- Is it, now?
284
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:11,066
Well, this kitten's got a whip. Meow!
285
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:16,613
This is great, Your Holiness!
286
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:21,076
I can see you now,
spreading your message of self-love
287
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,162
- on Oprah.
- Oprah!
288
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:25,581
He's finally here for the first time
on the Oprah show.
289
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,916
Welcome Guru Pitka.
290
00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:35,757
Oprah! Come on, Oprah.
291
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:44,600
Hello. Thank you very much.
292
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:49,646
Mariska Hargitay.
Thank you for the gift of water.
293
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:52,191
All right, I'm just gonna
come out and say it.
294
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:54,943
I find your work really inspiring.
295
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:59,031
I actually went to one of your sutras
after my father passed away.
296
00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:01,783
I'm sorry to hear about your father.
297
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:04,119
Have you read my book
on the grieving process?
298
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,539
It's called, What's This?
A Dead One of These.
299
00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:11,043
- Yes.
- Oh, you have?
300
00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:15,714
I especially like the chapter,
"It Might Just Be Sleeping."
301
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,549
My favorite.
302
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:20,093
- I've read all your books.
- Oh. Well.
303
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:24,056
To tell you the truth,
I kind of have a schoolgirl crush.
304
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,475
Oh, really?
305
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:30,395
What does your husband
think about this crush?
306
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:32,731
I'm not married.
307
00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:34,816
- Boyfriend?
- Nope.
308
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,111
Girlfriend?
309
00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:41,782
Well, I mean,
there was one time in college.
310
00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:43,659
Really?
311
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:46,495
- What was that?
- I didn't hear anything.
312
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,751
Well, it's hard to believe a girl like you
can't find a man.
313
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,378
What does that mean, "a girl like me"?
314
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:56,505
Well, come on, I don't have words for it.
315
00:20:56,588 --> 00:21:01,593
You know, nice girl, intelligent,
316
00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:07,432
bedroom eyes, pouty lips, great rack,
tight bell-shaped ass,
317
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:08,809
thicker than a Snicker...
318
00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:11,353
Say.
319
00:21:12,562 --> 00:21:15,774
My problem with men
is the Bullard Curse.
320
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:17,693
What's a Bullard Curse?
321
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:23,198
My father, Hank Bullard,
bought the Leafs in 1967.
322
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,742
And we haven't
won a Stanley Cup since.
323
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:28,829
So, all the men in the city
blame me and my family.
324
00:21:28,912 --> 00:21:32,624
Well, as I write in my book
Stop Hitting Yourself.
325
00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:34,626
Stop Hitting Yourself.
326
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:37,421
Why Are You Still Hitting Yourself?
327
00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:41,550
I explain that,
people may say bad things about you,
328
00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:45,887
but you must never
say bad things about yourself.
329
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:51,727
I see someone who's ready for change.
330
00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:53,770
It would just be easier to change,
331
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:56,481
if I didn't have to deal with the city
that hates me.
332
00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:59,401
Jane, the City of Toronto
doesn't hate you.
333
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:01,320
- Oh, yeah, they do.
- Oh, no, they don't.
334
00:22:01,403 --> 00:22:03,071
- Oh, yeah, they do.
- Oh, no, they don't.
335
00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:04,239
Trust me.
336
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,199
At the arena,
I had Maintenance paint lines
337
00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:07,784
to show me
where the crowd can't see me.
338
00:22:12,622 --> 00:22:18,503
You know, so they don't boo me
and throw stuff at my head.
339
00:22:21,506 --> 00:22:25,469
I mean, I didn't even ask for this job!
I guess it's just my fate!
340
00:22:25,552 --> 00:22:27,179
Fate is a joke.
341
00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:31,767
And as I once read on a wall,
in a truck stop bathroom in Barstow,
342
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:35,145
"The joke is in your hands."
343
00:22:38,065 --> 00:22:40,192
Oh, my God, I just got that!
344
00:22:41,693 --> 00:22:45,489
Well, to be more accurate,
the joke was in Rajneesh's hands.
345
00:22:48,825 --> 00:22:49,826
What?
346
00:23:03,048 --> 00:23:04,549
Nice shooting!
347
00:23:06,301 --> 00:23:09,096
I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.
348
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:10,847
Look, man,
just get back on your pillow, all right?
349
00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:13,392
There ain't no connection
between my love life and my hockey.
350
00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:15,102
I'm not here to work with you.
351
00:23:15,185 --> 00:23:18,063
I just came by to say hello and goodbye.
352
00:23:18,146 --> 00:23:19,564
- Goodbye?
- Yeah.
353
00:23:19,648 --> 00:23:21,566
I spoke with your wife, Prudence.
354
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:25,737
She broke it off with Grande,
and now she wants you back!
355
00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:28,824
- Seriously?
- Sure. You don't need me.
356
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:31,159
Go back to what you were doing.
357
00:23:40,127 --> 00:23:41,169
Yes!
358
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:43,755
There is one other thing.
359
00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:45,090
I lied.
360
00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:46,591
Prudence is still with Jacques Grande,
361
00:23:46,675 --> 00:23:49,761
and he still has
the biggest wiener in hockey.
362
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:57,185
- Is it true?
- Yes, he has a ginormous hog.
363
00:23:57,269 --> 00:24:00,147
Do you still think there is no connection
364
00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:03,608
between Prudence
and how crappy you are playing?
365
00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:04,985
Tell me this.
366
00:24:05,068 --> 00:24:07,028
- Do you want Prudence back?
- Of course I do.
367
00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:10,031
Then I need you
to write Prudence an apology letter,
368
00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:12,492
and I will go deliver it to her.
369
00:24:12,576 --> 00:24:14,870
All bids for connection count.
370
00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:20,625
- What if it doesn't work?
- I can always refund your misery.
371
00:24:23,211 --> 00:24:25,213
I was ominous just then.
372
00:24:43,773 --> 00:24:46,485
Grande's not going to like you
talking to Prudence.
373
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:49,821
I know, but I must deliver
this apology letter to her.
374
00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:53,575
- Do you think Grande saw us?
- Of course not, Rajneesh.
375
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,328
We are completely hidden by this bush.
376
00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:02,667
This may go badly.
377
00:25:03,877 --> 00:25:05,962
Keep the elephant running.
378
00:25:10,175 --> 00:25:11,426
Prudence?
379
00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:15,347
My little cabbage?
380
00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:26,274
While I do your calves,
I'd like to sing a song
381
00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:32,197
by the greatest singer ever
from Quebec, Miss Celine Dion.
382
00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:37,202
You were my strength when I was weak
383
00:25:37,285 --> 00:25:41,289
You were my voice
when I couldn't speak
384
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:43,291
You were my eyes when I...
385
00:25:50,757 --> 00:25:54,636
You saw the best there was in me
386
00:25:58,098 --> 00:25:59,057
No!
387
00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:00,976
You were my eye...
388
00:26:02,477 --> 00:26:05,063
Do not peck my fucking eyes!
Don't peck my eyes!
389
00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:09,067
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
390
00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:13,780
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
391
00:26:13,863 --> 00:26:17,242
I'm everything I am
392
00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:19,995
Because you love me
393
00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:21,454
That was beautiful.
394
00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:27,377
And now, I'd like to show my love
by making for you a Quebec pizza.
395
00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:30,505
- What's that?
- Pop-Tart with the ketchup.
396
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:32,007
She's good.
397
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:39,180
Guru Pitka? What happened to you?
398
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:44,603
Nothing. Why do you ask?
399
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:51,526
We've not much time.
I have an apology letter from Darren.
400
00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:57,782
Well, you know, I got attacked
by a rooster. So, you know.
401
00:26:57,866 --> 00:26:59,367
Yeah.
402
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:02,454
So he writes one stupid note
and you expect me to take him back?
403
00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:04,998
- Perhaps I can change him.
- Ding-dong.
404
00:27:05,081 --> 00:27:08,960
Did someone order
the special Quebec pizza, eh?
405
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:11,171
You know, like in the porno.
406
00:27:12,547 --> 00:27:15,467
- Who is this in my house?
- Whoa!
407
00:27:18,386 --> 00:27:21,556
Looks like he's smuggling a schnauzer.
408
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:22,766
Yeah.
409
00:27:23,683 --> 00:27:24,893
Let me show you out.
410
00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:26,227
Down, boy.
411
00:27:27,187 --> 00:27:28,855
Read the letter.
412
00:27:32,442 --> 00:27:33,860
- Nice place, eh?
- Yeah.
413
00:27:33,943 --> 00:27:35,737
And I got her cheap.
414
00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:39,157
So, it's an honor to have you
here in my house, Guru Pitka.
415
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,409
I think you are an amazing guru, and...
416
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:42,827
Hey! Mister!
417
00:27:43,745 --> 00:27:46,456
What did you do to my rooster?
418
00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:49,542
I don't know what you're talking about.
419
00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:53,963
Stay away from my girlfriend!
420
00:27:58,301 --> 00:27:59,928
The Wolverine.
421
00:28:12,857 --> 00:28:16,820
Don't look at me with that tone of voice,
or I punch you in the shirt!
422
00:28:16,903 --> 00:28:18,446
Okay, gotta go.
423
00:28:20,198 --> 00:28:21,825
Beat it. I gotta take a dump.
424
00:28:21,908 --> 00:28:23,451
Bodhisattva!
425
00:28:28,456 --> 00:28:33,712
Hello, superstar.
Welcome to my new Toronto ashram.
426
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:35,171
Uncle Jack.
427
00:28:35,255 --> 00:28:36,840
Can I get a hand
getting off this elephant?
428
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:40,719
Darren, if your Uncle Jack
helped you off an elephant,
429
00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:43,847
would you help your Uncle
Jack off an elephant?
430
00:28:47,016 --> 00:28:48,810
That's funny to you?
431
00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:51,938
I don't know where I get it.
432
00:28:52,021 --> 00:28:54,315
So did you give Prudence
my apology letter or what?
433
00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:57,110
- Yes, of course!
- Did it work?
434
00:28:57,193 --> 00:28:59,320
Let me answer it this way.
435
00:29:03,366 --> 00:29:05,660
- You're an idiot.
- Yes, I am!
436
00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:15,503
Now, your entourage must stay behind.
437
00:29:15,587 --> 00:29:17,380
No, no, no, no, no. They protect me.
438
00:29:17,464 --> 00:29:21,009
Well, they didn't protect you
from that outfit, now, did they?
439
00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:22,635
What?
440
00:29:22,719 --> 00:29:24,304
What's wrong with shark skin?
441
00:29:24,387 --> 00:29:27,348
More like gay-skin, how about.
What? Yeah.
442
00:29:29,517 --> 00:29:30,685
Snaps.
443
00:29:32,187 --> 00:29:36,232
- Right, let's talk about Jacques Grande!
- No! Leave that man out of this.
444
00:29:36,316 --> 00:29:37,525
You feel inadequate,
445
00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:43,114
because he has plenty of clarity,
organization, charm, and knowledge.
446
00:29:43,198 --> 00:29:44,324
TM.
447
00:29:46,034 --> 00:29:48,995
Yeah, he's got a lot of that, all right.
448
00:29:49,078 --> 00:29:51,873
Therefore, he's able to say to Prudence,
449
00:29:51,956 --> 00:29:55,710
"Be loving and open-hearted
with my emotions."
450
00:29:56,961 --> 00:29:58,171
TM.
451
00:29:59,422 --> 00:30:01,174
You better stop right there.
452
00:30:01,257 --> 00:30:05,094
Blowme is a good way
to remember that. Blowme, yeah.
453
00:30:05,178 --> 00:30:08,598
Blowme, yeah. Blowme.
454
00:30:08,681 --> 00:30:09,891
Blowme.
455
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:13,937
- You should stop.
- Well, I'm sure you're sick of this.
456
00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:16,815
I know Prudence
has had it up to here with Grande.
457
00:30:16,898 --> 00:30:18,900
All right, you know what?
458
00:30:23,738 --> 00:30:25,281
I can't move my body!
459
00:30:25,365 --> 00:30:28,993
It is an Indian martial art
known as "how to hurt a guy."
460
00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:30,995
I am poking your third eye.
461
00:30:31,079 --> 00:30:34,332
And if I twist my thumb,
I can make you crap yourself!
462
00:30:34,415 --> 00:30:36,167
So, what do you want me to do?
463
00:30:36,918 --> 00:30:40,338
What I need is to get you
to follow my method, Drama.
464
00:30:40,421 --> 00:30:42,382
We must distract you
from your emotional pain,
465
00:30:42,465 --> 00:30:44,217
regress you back to your childhood.
466
00:30:44,300 --> 00:30:48,680
We must adjust your negativity,
mature you, and put it all into action.
467
00:30:48,763 --> 00:30:52,725
If you follow my method,
not only will you win Stanley's Cup,
468
00:30:52,809 --> 00:30:55,061
but you'll also get Prudence back.
469
00:30:55,144 --> 00:30:56,271
You think this'll work?
470
00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:57,939
- Depends.
- Depends on what?
471
00:30:58,022 --> 00:31:00,149
No, you might want to
pick up some Depends.
472
00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:02,861
I may have twisted my thumb. Yeah.
473
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:04,529
Check for coins.
474
00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:05,613
Think fast.
475
00:31:06,030 --> 00:31:07,282
Drama!
476
00:31:08,741 --> 00:31:10,034
Drama.
477
00:31:11,911 --> 00:31:17,834
Students, now I am going to teach you
the "D" of drama. Distraction.
478
00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:25,258
Maurice, if Plato,
Shakespeare and Einstein
479
00:31:25,341 --> 00:31:27,635
were talking about the meaning of life,
480
00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:30,847
and two elephants
started humping outside,
481
00:31:30,930 --> 00:31:32,974
even they would rush to the window.
482
00:31:33,057 --> 00:31:35,143
It is the ultimate distraction.
483
00:31:37,312 --> 00:31:40,607
We shall now compete in a game of tag.
484
00:31:40,690 --> 00:31:42,650
It is called Stink Mop.
485
00:31:43,401 --> 00:31:45,153
Enter, Sanjay!
486
00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:51,951
Enter, Maurice.
487
00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:02,670
Commence Stink Mop.
488
00:32:04,505 --> 00:32:06,257
Stink Mop! Stink Mop!
489
00:32:06,341 --> 00:32:08,676
- Stink Mop.
- Go.
490
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:12,972
- Stink Mop.
- Stink Mop!
491
00:32:13,848 --> 00:32:15,308
Maurice.
492
00:32:15,391 --> 00:32:18,102
What are you not thinking about?
493
00:32:18,186 --> 00:32:20,897
I am not thinking about my chastity belt.
494
00:32:20,980 --> 00:32:23,900
- That is distraction.
- Yes!
495
00:32:23,983 --> 00:32:26,527
I get it! I am distracted!
496
00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:34,619
Good distraction frees us
from emotional pain.
497
00:32:34,702 --> 00:32:37,246
Bad distraction gives you
a mouth full of whizz.
498
00:32:45,088 --> 00:32:49,175
- Once again, I'm Trent Lueders.
- And I'm Jay Kell.
499
00:32:49,258 --> 00:32:50,468
Go, Leafs, go! Go, Leafs, go!
500
00:32:50,551 --> 00:32:52,512
Tonight, game one
of the Stanley Cup Finals.
501
00:32:52,595 --> 00:32:56,808
L.A. Kings, Toronto Maple Leafs.
It's gonna get ugly.
502
00:32:56,891 --> 00:32:59,477
Ugly. You want to hear ugly?
503
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:02,480
At Promises, I shivved a guy
with a sharpened toothbrush
504
00:33:02,563 --> 00:33:05,066
because he bogarted
the rehab toilet hooch
505
00:33:05,149 --> 00:33:07,986
that I'd made
from apples and pantyhose.
506
00:33:08,069 --> 00:33:10,321
That was ugly.
507
00:33:10,405 --> 00:33:12,240
Over to you, Trent.
508
00:33:12,323 --> 00:33:13,741
Thanks, Jay.
509
00:33:14,534 --> 00:33:16,244
All right, guys. Bring it in.
510
00:33:16,327 --> 00:33:19,497
Let's rip off their heads
and shit down their necks!
511
00:33:19,580 --> 00:33:20,915
Yeah!
512
00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:23,084
- Go! Go!
- Here we go!
513
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:26,170
Now, the first lesson is distraction.
514
00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:27,797
In order to learn distraction,
515
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,633
you're not allowed to fight anyone
in today's hockey match.
516
00:33:30,717 --> 00:33:31,676
I'm a hockey player!
517
00:33:31,759 --> 00:33:33,052
That's what hockey players do.
We fight!
518
00:33:33,136 --> 00:33:34,470
It's a problem.
519
00:33:34,554 --> 00:33:39,142
Even Jay-Z had 99 of them,
and the bitch was not one of them.
520
00:33:39,934 --> 00:33:42,729
Now, do you want to win Stanley's Cup?
521
00:33:42,812 --> 00:33:45,148
Yes, I wanna win the Stanley Cup!
522
00:33:45,231 --> 00:33:48,609
Then you are not allowed
to fight anyone for any reason!
523
00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:54,949
Don't fight!
Now, get out there, and don't kill them.
524
00:33:59,203 --> 00:34:00,955
- What is that?
- Corn dog.
525
00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:03,124
What is it?
526
00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:05,418
Is it made from dog?
527
00:34:05,501 --> 00:34:07,462
What a freaking idiot.
528
00:34:08,963 --> 00:34:11,632
Is this a dog's thingy?
Am I being punk'd?
529
00:34:12,967 --> 00:34:16,512
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Leafs take the ice.
530
00:34:26,814 --> 00:34:29,108
Hello, Los Angeles Kings.
531
00:34:29,192 --> 00:34:31,319
I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.
532
00:34:31,402 --> 00:34:34,113
And I have a message
from Darren Roanoke.
533
00:34:34,197 --> 00:34:38,743
He told me to tell you
that you're all his bitches,
534
00:34:39,702 --> 00:34:42,455
and that you can suck his big greasy...
535
00:34:44,999 --> 00:34:46,626
Mariska Hargitay.
536
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:54,926
- I'm gonna kill you, Roanoke!
- You're dead, Roanoke!
537
00:34:55,009 --> 00:34:56,052
Damn, Roanoke!
538
00:34:56,135 --> 00:35:00,098
And we're getting ready to drop the
puck for game one of the Finals.
539
00:35:00,181 --> 00:35:04,602
- I know I'm excited, Jay. How are you?
- I am rigid.
540
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:17,824
It's a yard sale!
541
00:35:20,201 --> 00:35:22,453
- What?
- Not to fight.
542
00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,705
You are not to fight anyone.
543
00:35:38,678 --> 00:35:41,389
I would not wanna be his nutsack.
544
00:35:42,056 --> 00:35:44,725
They're coming after Roanoke!
545
00:35:50,189 --> 00:35:51,399
Get up!
546
00:35:55,236 --> 00:35:56,529
What the hell are you doing?
547
00:35:56,612 --> 00:35:59,699
Superstar, look at your hands.
548
00:36:00,700 --> 00:36:02,952
- They're not shaking!
- Yes.
549
00:36:05,746 --> 00:36:08,457
Roanoke with the puck. What a pass!
550
00:36:09,375 --> 00:36:10,501
Goal!
551
00:36:10,585 --> 00:36:14,881
Roanoke may be fighting for his life,
but he's playing great!
552
00:36:21,470 --> 00:36:25,850
Rob Blake is lucky
the refs didn't see that.
553
00:36:25,933 --> 00:36:28,978
But the refs will see that
on our post-game highlight reel.
554
00:36:29,061 --> 00:36:33,900
That is the Altoids "Curiously Strong
Elbow to the Face" of the game.
555
00:36:33,983 --> 00:36:36,611
Oh, God. Am I still dreaming?
556
00:36:37,987 --> 00:36:40,156
No. Why do you ask?
557
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,409
Why'd you tell me not to fight?
558
00:36:43,492 --> 00:36:47,121
Because you are now distracted,
therefore playing better.
559
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,664
It's the only way.
560
00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:50,082
Yeah, well,
I can't keep getting my ass kicked!
561
00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:53,753
Fine! Fight anyone for any reason.
562
00:36:53,836 --> 00:36:55,421
You just said don't fight...
563
00:36:55,504 --> 00:36:58,716
- What, it's just arbitrary with you?
- Of course not!
564
00:36:58,799 --> 00:37:01,135
But we will let the dice decide.
565
00:37:03,179 --> 00:37:06,724
Yes, it is arbitrary!
Fight anyone for any reason!
566
00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:13,773
Fight anyone.
567
00:37:21,822 --> 00:37:24,075
It's a bench-clearing brawl!
568
00:37:25,493 --> 00:37:27,662
Remember, kids, this is not
how you play hockey.
569
00:37:27,745 --> 00:37:30,039
- It's just ugly.
- I like it.
570
00:37:36,837 --> 00:37:38,214
That was a good one.
571
00:37:40,841 --> 00:37:43,094
One game suspension, Roanoke!
572
00:37:43,177 --> 00:37:45,554
Way to go, Roanoke! You jag-off!
573
00:37:47,390 --> 00:37:51,519
- Him, too?
- Anyone for any reason.
574
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,278
I love my job!
575
00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:04,782
- Two games!
- Now, it's a two-game suspension.
576
00:38:04,865 --> 00:38:08,536
That would mean Roanoke
would be out for game two and three!
577
00:38:08,619 --> 00:38:10,121
He could play in game four.
578
00:38:10,204 --> 00:38:12,498
Of course, we don't know
if we're going to game five!
579
00:38:12,581 --> 00:38:15,167
Two and three, out,
can't play in the game.
580
00:38:15,251 --> 00:38:17,545
He could watch the game at home,
but he can't play!
581
00:38:17,628 --> 00:38:20,089
He can pretend to play
while he's at home,
582
00:38:20,172 --> 00:38:25,177
but he cannot play on the ice
in the game that we're watching,
583
00:38:25,261 --> 00:38:28,723
which is after this game,
'cause we're in game one.
584
00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:31,475
You have a firm grasp of the obvious.
585
00:38:34,437 --> 00:38:36,022
How could he do that?
586
00:38:39,233 --> 00:38:40,901
Are you all right?
587
00:38:42,945 --> 00:38:47,491
I'd like to thank the Academy.
Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah.
588
00:38:47,575 --> 00:38:49,493
- Put me down, A-hole!
- Okay.
589
00:38:51,454 --> 00:38:55,458
And the Kings take the first game
of the Stanley Cup Finals.
590
00:38:56,959 --> 00:38:58,210
Damn it!
591
00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,880
Cherkov, relax!
592
00:39:00,963 --> 00:39:03,632
- Now, everyone, let's just take a seat.
- Okay.
593
00:39:11,265 --> 00:39:15,519
First of all, let's agree next time
we decide to have a group meeting,
594
00:39:15,603 --> 00:39:17,605
we take it in my office.
595
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:22,526
Now, Guru Pitka here
obviously has a plan.
596
00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:26,405
So, Guru, enlighten us.
What is your plan?
597
00:39:26,489 --> 00:39:30,117
Frankly, this is completely unexpected,
and I'm scared shitless.
598
00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:31,702
- No, no!
- Let me at him!
599
00:39:31,786 --> 00:39:34,580
- Take it easy, Frodo.
- No! Get back! No!
600
00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:36,791
No! No!
601
00:39:37,583 --> 00:39:39,126
Hippie queer!
602
00:39:39,210 --> 00:39:41,545
- Throw a hex on you.
- Okay, okay.
603
00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:45,216
Isn't there any way
that you could skip a step or two?
604
00:39:45,299 --> 00:39:48,260
No way!
With Drama, there is no shortcuts.
605
00:39:48,344 --> 00:39:51,013
We must now
take him back to his childhood.
606
00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:53,432
- His childhood?
- Yes.
607
00:39:53,516 --> 00:39:55,559
His mother only lives an hour away,
608
00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:57,770
but he won't allow her
to go to the games.
609
00:39:57,853 --> 00:39:59,313
Interesting.
610
00:39:59,730 --> 00:40:02,733
He won't allow his mother
to come to any of his games!
611
00:40:02,817 --> 00:40:05,694
Come, Rajneesh, a breakthrough!
612
00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,530
Little help, please!
613
00:40:10,825 --> 00:40:12,284
Okay. All right.
614
00:40:12,785 --> 00:40:14,870
- You're leaving?
- Yes.
615
00:40:14,954 --> 00:40:17,998
- Where are you going?
- To see Darren.
616
00:40:18,082 --> 00:40:20,918
Jane, I promise you,
everything will be fine.
617
00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:23,295
Come by my ashram, then I will explain.
618
00:40:23,379 --> 00:40:25,089
Coach Cherkov, I would invite you,
619
00:40:25,172 --> 00:40:28,759
but I know you have your meeting
with the Lollipop Guild.
620
00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:37,935
Why won't you let your mother come to
any of your hockey games?
621
00:40:38,018 --> 00:40:39,478
'Cause, man,
I don't play well around her, man.
622
00:40:39,562 --> 00:40:40,771
She freaks me out.
623
00:40:40,855 --> 00:40:43,357
Then tomorrow we will go to her!
624
00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:46,944
- Oh, hell no! Oh, hell no!
- Oh, hells yes!
625
00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:02,126
- Yeah.
- This ain't Driving Miss Daisy, man.
626
00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:04,211
I'll break your fingers.
627
00:41:14,472 --> 00:41:16,056
Okay. Yo, this my street right here.
628
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:17,725
- Tonawanda Street.
- Tonawanda Street?
629
00:41:17,808 --> 00:41:19,018
I know this street.
630
00:41:19,101 --> 00:41:20,811
- You do?
- Yes.
631
00:41:20,895 --> 00:41:24,231
- At what number did you live?
- Fiffy-three.
632
00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:26,859
Do you know a Dickie Withers at 85?
633
00:41:26,942 --> 00:41:28,402
- No.
- Well, it does.
634
00:41:29,403 --> 00:41:32,823
A dickie does wither at 85.
I own you! Yeah!
635
00:41:32,907 --> 00:41:34,742
Yeah! You are laughing!
636
00:41:34,867 --> 00:41:38,287
You see, you're filled with joy of a child!
637
00:41:38,370 --> 00:41:40,915
You are now ready to meet your ma.
638
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,463
I'm warning you, GP, my mom's tough.
639
00:41:47,546 --> 00:41:49,965
Oh, please. How bad can she be?
640
00:41:50,424 --> 00:41:53,093
Raise it up and make a joyful noise
641
00:41:53,177 --> 00:41:55,888
Oh, I shall not be moved
642
00:41:55,971 --> 00:41:59,600
- No, no, no, no
- No, I shall not be moved
643
00:41:59,683 --> 00:42:00,684
No, no
644
00:42:00,768 --> 00:42:04,355
Lead me to your rock
645
00:42:04,438 --> 00:42:07,066
Where I shall not be
646
00:42:07,149 --> 00:42:12,404
I shall not be moved
647
00:42:13,155 --> 00:42:15,908
Remember, Darren,
you must stand up to her.
648
00:42:15,991 --> 00:42:17,034
Got it.
649
00:42:17,117 --> 00:42:19,495
- Baby boy.
- Oh, Mom.
650
00:42:20,955 --> 00:42:23,374
Now, why won't you let your ma
come see you play?
651
00:42:23,457 --> 00:42:26,085
It's just that you're not always
the most supportive, Ma.
652
00:42:26,168 --> 00:42:27,711
Supportive?
653
00:42:30,297 --> 00:42:32,216
Pressure makes diamonds.
654
00:42:32,299 --> 00:42:34,426
Pressure also makes rubble.
655
00:42:36,387 --> 00:42:40,224
And after a good whipping,
cream rises to the top.
656
00:42:40,307 --> 00:42:41,809
So does scum!
657
00:42:44,061 --> 00:42:47,273
- You're the Guru Pitka.
- Yes, I am.
658
00:42:47,356 --> 00:42:49,733
You're like
the poor man's Deepak Chopra.
659
00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:51,068
Game over.
660
00:42:51,151 --> 00:42:54,905
- Oh, Mom, don't, don't.
- Do you have something to say to me?
661
00:42:55,656 --> 00:42:58,158
Yes, you do. Yes, go ahead.
662
00:43:01,996 --> 00:43:03,080
Yes.
663
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:08,460
You change your hair color?
'Cause it looks nice.
664
00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:10,421
We'll talk in the car.
665
00:43:11,755 --> 00:43:13,799
Well, this was fun.
666
00:43:13,882 --> 00:43:17,386
And by fun, of course
I mean emotionally scarring.
667
00:43:17,469 --> 00:43:21,307
I know you are not trying to tell me
how to raise my child.
668
00:43:21,390 --> 00:43:22,766
Gotta go.
669
00:43:24,018 --> 00:43:26,770
- Superstar! Superstar, wait!
- Whoa!
670
00:43:26,854 --> 00:43:31,734
Look at you. You're jumpy.
You're like prison bitch jumpy.
671
00:43:31,817 --> 00:43:33,110
I told you that
we shouldn't have come here.
672
00:43:33,193 --> 00:43:34,194
No, no, no, no, no.
673
00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:36,322
We have to go back in there
and confront your mother.
674
00:43:36,405 --> 00:43:38,449
There has to be another way.
675
00:43:38,532 --> 00:43:41,076
Well, I hear you rappin',
Sister McCrappin'.
676
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:43,954
Okay, there are two ways
to regress you.
677
00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:45,873
One involves your mother,
your shame core,
678
00:43:45,956 --> 00:43:48,792
and a grueling process
of intense self-examination.
679
00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:50,294
- What's the other way?
- Well...
680
00:43:51,045 --> 00:43:53,047
What does this sound like?
681
00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:14,360
I am making diarrhea sounds
with my cup.
682
00:44:14,443 --> 00:44:16,236
I'm regressing you.
683
00:44:18,030 --> 00:44:20,949
Someone's in here. Someone's in here!
684
00:44:25,037 --> 00:44:26,789
Yes. You are laughing!
685
00:44:26,914 --> 00:44:28,791
Why am I laughing, man?
686
00:44:29,416 --> 00:44:31,752
Look what you did to my jacket.
687
00:44:32,628 --> 00:44:33,796
Ball-gazer!
688
00:44:34,421 --> 00:44:35,839
Go ahead!
689
00:44:36,465 --> 00:44:39,510
You bastard.
You totally caught me in a ball-gaze.
690
00:44:39,593 --> 00:44:42,680
Congratulations,
you have been regressed.
691
00:44:42,763 --> 00:44:44,139
I own you!
692
00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:46,684
- Yes, you own me.
- That was easy.
693
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:49,228
But with ownership
comes responsibility.
694
00:44:49,311 --> 00:44:50,938
It was at this point that I realized
695
00:44:51,021 --> 00:44:54,400
that my student
was finally shedding his defenses.
696
00:44:54,483 --> 00:44:55,609
What are you doing?
697
00:44:55,734 --> 00:44:57,861
He said while eating a chicken wing.
698
00:44:57,945 --> 00:45:00,781
I am talking into my voice-over machine.
699
00:45:00,864 --> 00:45:04,827
So, the Leafs lose game two
by a whopping six-to-one score.
700
00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:08,038
The Leafs look rattled without Roanoke.
701
00:45:09,623 --> 00:45:13,293
- It's Darren Roanoke.
- You mean Roan-choke more like.
702
00:45:15,963 --> 00:45:17,715
That's great. Nice hat.
703
00:45:17,798 --> 00:45:19,675
- I had a hat like that once.
- Yeah?
704
00:45:19,758 --> 00:45:22,010
Then my mom got a job.
705
00:45:24,930 --> 00:45:27,891
Looks like I'm gonna have to shove
these love beads someplace special.
706
00:45:27,975 --> 00:45:29,017
You got a problem?
707
00:45:29,101 --> 00:45:32,062
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me handle this.
708
00:45:32,146 --> 00:45:36,734
There are two things about violence
they teach you when becoming a guru.
709
00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:38,235
The first thing is,
710
00:45:38,318 --> 00:45:42,239
an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.
711
00:45:42,322 --> 00:45:44,074
The second thing is,
712
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:47,619
never ever watch the bottle.
713
00:46:02,885 --> 00:46:04,887
You son of a bitch!
714
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,765
It's a bar fight!
715
00:46:33,916 --> 00:46:36,043
Down, down!
716
00:46:36,126 --> 00:46:37,920
Watch out!
717
00:46:38,003 --> 00:46:39,421
- Well done!
- Nice job!
718
00:46:58,065 --> 00:47:00,067
Hold on, hold on.
719
00:47:09,993 --> 00:47:11,995
Niagara Falls is amazing.
720
00:47:12,871 --> 00:47:14,039
Darren.
721
00:47:14,122 --> 00:47:16,250
Just because
your mother only loved you
722
00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:18,126
when you achieved
723
00:47:18,210 --> 00:47:21,463
doesn't mean that Prudence will
only love you when you achieve.
724
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:23,173
I was afraid
that Prudence would leave me
725
00:47:23,257 --> 00:47:25,926
if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,
726
00:47:26,009 --> 00:47:28,846
- so I left Prudence first.
- That's it!
727
00:47:28,929 --> 00:47:32,307
However, we must
confront your mother.
728
00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:34,601
Prudence always wanted me
to stand up to my ma.
729
00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:36,770
- I know.
- I miss Prudence.
730
00:47:37,604 --> 00:47:40,148
I miss the connection.
731
00:47:40,232 --> 00:47:42,109
- Connection.
- Yeah.
732
00:47:42,734 --> 00:47:46,405
Making love.
Falling asleep in each other's arms.
733
00:47:46,488 --> 00:47:48,615
Sometimes we would wake up
a couple hours later,
734
00:47:48,699 --> 00:47:51,118
and it'd be like we were
the only two people in the world.
735
00:47:51,201 --> 00:47:54,705
Prudence would stare into my eyes,
and she'd say...
736
00:47:54,788 --> 00:47:57,082
- Damn.
- Damn.
737
00:47:57,249 --> 00:47:59,376
It sort of became our song.
738
00:48:00,043 --> 00:48:02,087
You are a very lucky man.
739
00:48:03,547 --> 00:48:06,508
I would like to have
a "damn" moment like that someday.
740
00:48:06,592 --> 00:48:11,305
How can you be the Love Guru
if you've never been in a relationship?
741
00:48:11,388 --> 00:48:13,724
Well, there is someone I like.
742
00:48:13,807 --> 00:48:15,517
But until I learn to love myself,
743
00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:17,936
I can only go out
with three girls named Ann.
744
00:48:18,020 --> 00:48:20,272
- Three girls named Ann?
- Yeah.
745
00:48:20,355 --> 00:48:23,191
Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.
746
00:48:24,276 --> 00:48:25,652
Ann Job!
747
00:48:27,279 --> 00:48:30,282
Well, you know,
I deflect because of the pain.
748
00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:33,785
I gotta get my girl back, GP.
749
00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:36,163
Otherwise,
what am I gonna do with this?
750
00:48:36,330 --> 00:48:38,415
I have two tattoos.
751
00:48:38,498 --> 00:48:40,417
One tattoo is the Drama tattoo,
752
00:48:40,500 --> 00:48:42,461
which signifies
the self-determinist philosophy
753
00:48:42,544 --> 00:48:44,630
of the Tugginmypudha Ashram.
754
00:48:44,713 --> 00:48:45,839
And what's the other tattoo?
755
00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:49,176
Daffy Duck pushing a lawn mower
through my pubes.
756
00:48:50,177 --> 00:48:52,596
Look, he's dancing. Yeah. Right.
757
00:48:53,555 --> 00:48:56,433
Ball-gazer! Oh, my God! There you go!
758
00:48:56,516 --> 00:48:59,186
The ball-gazing student
has become the ball-gazing master.
759
00:49:13,951 --> 00:49:17,120
- Saying I love you
- Saying I love you
760
00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:23,377
Is not the words
I want to hear from you
761
00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:28,924
It's not that I want you not to say
762
00:49:29,007 --> 00:49:32,886
But if you only knew
763
00:49:33,387 --> 00:49:39,267
How easy it would be to
764
00:49:39,351 --> 00:49:43,397
- Show me how you feel
- Show me how you feel
765
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:46,900
- More than words
- More than words
766
00:49:46,984 --> 00:49:53,031
- Is all you have to do to make it real
- Is all you have to do to make it real
767
00:49:53,490 --> 00:49:58,286
- Then you wouldn't have to say
- Then you wouldn't have to say
768
00:49:58,370 --> 00:50:01,790
- That you love me
- That you love me
769
00:50:01,873 --> 00:50:08,630
- 'Cause I'd already know
- 'Cause I'd already know
770
00:50:15,429 --> 00:50:18,432
- More than words
- More than words
771
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:29,151
- More than words
- More than words
772
00:50:32,779 --> 00:50:34,448
That was great!
773
00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:36,199
Thank you, Speedy. That's great.
774
00:50:36,283 --> 00:50:39,745
Mariska Hargitay. That's great.
775
00:50:41,455 --> 00:50:43,832
That was lovely.
But we need to talk about Darren.
776
00:50:43,915 --> 00:50:47,836
- This is a disaster. He's my only...
- Jane! Do you trust me?
777
00:50:48,795 --> 00:50:50,464
I do trust you.
778
00:50:51,798 --> 00:50:53,008
I'm not really sure why.
779
00:50:53,091 --> 00:50:56,386
It's the beard.
It makes me look like Santa.
780
00:50:56,970 --> 00:51:00,599
And by the way, you look breathtaking.
781
00:51:01,391 --> 00:51:03,852
- Thank you.
- As do I.
782
00:51:05,103 --> 00:51:08,273
Come.
My staff has prepared a lovely meal.
783
00:51:11,068 --> 00:51:12,903
Wow.
- Right?
784
00:51:12,986 --> 00:51:15,989
I am so hungry
I could eat a skunk's bottom.
785
00:51:16,823 --> 00:51:21,078
Which is a lot like calamari.
But that's not what we're having tonight.
786
00:51:21,161 --> 00:51:23,121
Rajneesh will now prepare a dish
787
00:51:23,205 --> 00:51:26,124
made of two lychees
wrapped in a doughy pouch.
788
00:51:26,208 --> 00:51:30,504
- It's called Kartapal Birigalapatt.
- What's that mean?
789
00:51:30,587 --> 00:51:32,422
Nuts in a sling.
790
00:51:33,215 --> 00:51:35,092
Oh, thanks, but I'll pass.
791
00:51:35,175 --> 00:51:38,011
Very well, I'll have your nuts in a sling.
792
00:51:39,679 --> 00:51:40,972
Cough.
793
00:51:42,182 --> 00:51:45,227
Reject this man.
Not fit for military service.
794
00:51:45,894 --> 00:51:48,772
Would you like your nuts to be crushed?
795
00:51:48,855 --> 00:51:51,858
Doesn't everyone? Who is this guy?
796
00:52:01,201 --> 00:52:02,619
Geronimo!
797
00:52:03,161 --> 00:52:05,122
That is our safe word.
798
00:52:07,624 --> 00:52:11,920
Now, we get the nuts nice and hot,
so they tighten up and get firm.
799
00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:20,220
That's good.
800
00:52:20,846 --> 00:52:23,890
Feels good.
I mean, tastes good. I mean, what?
801
00:52:26,059 --> 00:52:28,311
You want curlies on your nuts?
802
00:52:28,395 --> 00:52:31,648
Do I look like a child?
Of course I want curlies on my nuts.
803
00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:33,984
Don't forget your pickle.
804
00:52:35,068 --> 00:52:38,572
- Would you like some soup instead?
- Yes.
805
00:52:38,655 --> 00:52:42,367
Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup,
and make it snappy.
806
00:52:44,202 --> 00:52:48,582
Because alligators are snappy,
and at the same time, I want it prompt.
807
00:52:51,168 --> 00:52:54,880
Here it is. There's your soup.
Watch out! It's dangerous!
808
00:52:57,090 --> 00:52:59,050
You're as cute as pie.
809
00:52:59,843 --> 00:53:02,721
I haven't laughed like this
in such a long time.
810
00:53:02,804 --> 00:53:04,306
Why not?
811
00:53:04,389 --> 00:53:08,185
It's hard to laugh
when men only see you as some curse.
812
00:53:08,268 --> 00:53:11,313
Jane, there is no curse.
813
00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:15,233
You're just afraid of intimacy,
or into-me-l-see.
814
00:53:15,317 --> 00:53:19,446
Remember, being vulnerable
is being woundable.
815
00:53:19,529 --> 00:53:21,865
I say take the risk.
816
00:53:21,948 --> 00:53:26,161
- Well, that's easy to say and hard to do.
- Is it?
817
00:53:27,537 --> 00:53:31,374
What's the downside
of throwing away your fear?
818
00:53:31,458 --> 00:53:34,586
The only way out is in.
819
00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:41,760
I think I'm about to risk something.
820
00:53:46,473 --> 00:53:48,266
- What's wrong?
- We can't do this.
821
00:53:48,350 --> 00:53:49,851
What? You tell me to be vulnerable,
822
00:53:49,935 --> 00:53:51,019
and then you turn around
and wound me?
823
00:53:51,102 --> 00:53:53,563
- I can explain.
- Okay, go ahead.
824
00:53:53,647 --> 00:53:54,981
I can't explain.
825
00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:57,651
- I should go.
- No, Jane, wait! I...
826
00:53:57,734 --> 00:54:00,028
Jane! Jane!
827
00:54:01,529 --> 00:54:06,034
Game three here in Los Angeles.
The L.A. Kings have beaten the Leafs.
828
00:54:06,117 --> 00:54:10,247
They are one game away
from a Stanley Cup victory.
829
00:54:10,330 --> 00:54:13,625
They can't be happy
in the Leafs' locker room right now.
830
00:54:13,708 --> 00:54:18,088
I'm sorry, I blacked out for a second.
Have they dropped the puck?
831
00:54:18,171 --> 00:54:20,548
Damn it! We're down three games
832
00:54:20,632 --> 00:54:23,718
because you decided
you couldn't win without Roanoke.
833
00:54:23,802 --> 00:54:26,596
And you! You're just a stupid rich girl!
834
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:29,516
You were born on third,
and you think you hit a triple!
835
00:54:29,599 --> 00:54:30,892
You don't know hockey!
836
00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:32,852
- Are you finished?
- No!
837
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:39,359
- Now I'm finished! And, Pitka!
- Yes?
838
00:54:39,442 --> 00:54:42,153
- What's the capital of Thailand?
- Bangkok.
839
00:54:42,237 --> 00:54:43,530
Exactly.
840
00:54:44,489 --> 00:54:47,409
Omar Sharif, my balls!
841
00:54:50,036 --> 00:54:52,163
My balls, you prick!
842
00:54:55,500 --> 00:54:57,961
- Stay down, bitch!
- Okay.
843
00:55:00,046 --> 00:55:01,589
Jane! Jane, wait!
844
00:55:01,673 --> 00:55:06,219
He's right! I'm just a stupid rich girl
about to be a huge failure.
845
00:55:06,303 --> 00:55:09,347
Failure?
There's no such thing as failure.
846
00:55:09,431 --> 00:55:11,641
Only early attempts at success.
847
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:16,438
You know what? I hired you
to fix Darren Roanoke. Do your job!
848
00:55:20,692 --> 00:55:22,819
Your Holiness,
I spoke with the producers at Oprah,
849
00:55:22,902 --> 00:55:26,489
and if they don't see Darren and
Prudence together by the next game,
850
00:55:26,573 --> 00:55:28,658
your spot will go to Deepak.
851
00:55:28,742 --> 00:55:32,329
But Darren is not ready!
He must truly deal with his mother.
852
00:55:32,412 --> 00:55:36,708
- And I will not take a shortcut.
- Take a shortcut!
853
00:55:36,791 --> 00:55:39,961
Do you want to be
the next Deepak Chopra or not?
854
00:55:55,894 --> 00:55:58,605
Babu, you cannot take a shortcut.
855
00:55:58,688 --> 00:56:01,149
But I need to become
the next Deepak Chopra!
856
00:56:01,232 --> 00:56:04,361
But how will you get Grande
away from Prudence?
857
00:56:04,444 --> 00:56:10,241
I have one idea that just might work.
Yeah.
858
00:56:10,784 --> 00:56:15,789
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the incredible Miss Celine Dion!
859
00:56:19,292 --> 00:56:22,003
Celine! It is my day of lucky!
860
00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:37,811
What'll you have?
861
00:56:38,978 --> 00:56:41,981
- A martini.
- All right, then.
862
00:56:53,243 --> 00:56:58,790
Jacques Grande.
Is he "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now?"
863
00:57:09,259 --> 00:57:11,344
Jacques and I get along just fine.
864
00:57:11,428 --> 00:57:14,055
You have,
what we call in the guru business,
865
00:57:14,139 --> 00:57:15,849
"love without knowledge."
866
00:57:15,932 --> 00:57:19,853
But what you had with Darren
is love with knowledge.
867
00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:22,230
A real connection.
868
00:57:22,313 --> 00:57:24,607
Come by my ashram tomorrow at noon.
869
00:57:24,691 --> 00:57:27,902
I will show you a Darren
who is completely changed.
870
00:57:27,986 --> 00:57:29,946
Do you think he's really changed?
871
00:57:30,029 --> 00:57:32,115
I mean, he can't even play
in front of his own mother.
872
00:57:32,198 --> 00:57:33,908
She's like kryptonite to him.
873
00:57:33,992 --> 00:57:36,536
Can't play in front of his mother?
874
00:57:37,537 --> 00:57:41,040
Hey! I said stay away from the girl!
875
00:57:41,124 --> 00:57:44,502
Rajneesh, let's make like a baby
and head out.
876
00:57:50,467 --> 00:57:52,969
- So you went to see your mother?
- Yes.
877
00:57:53,052 --> 00:57:55,638
But did you stand up to her?
878
00:57:57,557 --> 00:57:59,434
He doesn't have to stand up
to his mother.
879
00:57:59,517 --> 00:58:02,729
- Yes, he does!
- Not now, Kato.
880
00:58:02,812 --> 00:58:06,483
Now, aren't there a few more steps
in your Drama plan?
881
00:58:06,566 --> 00:58:11,070
- Yes. Maturity and Action.
- Beat it, Rajneesh.
882
00:58:11,613 --> 00:58:14,032
Yes. We did Maturity and Action.
883
00:58:14,115 --> 00:58:17,869
"M" and "A" spells "ma," and we went
to Buffalo and we saw his ma.
884
00:58:17,952 --> 00:58:19,287
Right. See?
885
00:58:19,370 --> 00:58:22,332
You see, I left 'cause I was scared
that if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,
886
00:58:22,415 --> 00:58:23,625
you would leave me.
887
00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:26,711
But I don't care
if you win the Stanley Cup.
888
00:58:28,338 --> 00:58:30,215
Can you forgive me?
889
00:58:38,973 --> 00:58:40,892
Of course I can forgive you.
890
00:58:43,645 --> 00:58:46,314
Stick a fork in them, they're done.
891
00:58:46,397 --> 00:58:48,066
Champers wishes!
892
00:58:49,609 --> 00:58:53,279
It would be great
if you could stick around for a while.
893
00:58:55,281 --> 00:58:56,366
You know,
just to make sure Darren's okay.
894
00:58:56,449 --> 00:58:57,867
Yes, of course. Yeah, business.
Yes, of course.
895
00:58:57,951 --> 00:59:00,370
Would His Holiness staying on
qualify as an extension?
896
00:59:00,453 --> 00:59:02,622
Pants! Sheket b'vakasha!
897
00:59:03,206 --> 00:59:06,709
Because if that were the case,
we would refuse payment.
898
00:59:06,793 --> 00:59:09,337
- Of course, I'll stay, Jane.
- Until we get the call from Oprah.
899
00:59:09,420 --> 00:59:11,881
Go to your naughty mat, Dick!
900
00:59:11,965 --> 00:59:13,466
Miss Bullard.
901
00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:18,137
Mariska Hargitay.
902
00:59:20,598 --> 00:59:24,978
Your Holiness? Mark my words,
this shortcut will haunt you.
903
00:59:28,523 --> 00:59:30,858
- Congratulations.
- Well done.
904
00:59:35,071 --> 00:59:37,282
Game four here in Los Angeles.
905
00:59:37,365 --> 00:59:41,077
The Kings are one win away
from a Stanley Cup victory.
906
00:59:41,869 --> 00:59:45,248
- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
907
00:59:45,331 --> 00:59:48,293
- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
908
00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:54,215
This is it, folks. Game four.
909
00:59:54,299 --> 00:59:58,469
If Roanoke doesn't pull through,
it's all over for the Leafs.
910
01:00:01,347 --> 01:00:03,141
Roanoke with the puck.
911
01:00:03,224 --> 01:00:05,852
- He shoots! He scores!
- Yeah!
912
01:00:05,935 --> 01:00:09,230
Wasting no time after his suspension,
he is back!
913
01:00:11,566 --> 01:00:15,236
The end of game four,
and the Leafs take it two to zero.
914
01:00:15,320 --> 01:00:19,032
Thanks to Roanoke,
the Leafs advance to game five.
915
01:00:19,407 --> 01:00:20,867
Go Leafs.
916
01:00:22,869 --> 01:00:26,873
Game five here in Los Angeles.
Can the Leafs do it again?
917
01:00:27,540 --> 01:00:30,710
Roanoke just playing amazing!
918
01:00:32,545 --> 01:00:37,592
Goal! And game five goes to the Leafs!
An incredible comeback!
919
01:00:37,884 --> 01:00:41,596
Thanks to Roanoke,
the Leafs have got the Kings on the run.
920
01:00:41,679 --> 01:00:46,434
And look at this crowd!
They are guru crazy!
921
01:01:00,990 --> 01:01:03,159
Game six here in Toronto!
922
01:01:05,953 --> 01:01:07,455
Beautiful pass!
923
01:01:07,538 --> 01:01:08,706
Go! Go! Go!
924
01:01:08,790 --> 01:01:13,294
Roanoke on a breakaway!
Five-hole trap!
925
01:01:13,378 --> 01:01:16,714
Grande saves! Roanoke denied!
926
01:01:17,298 --> 01:01:21,344
- Once again, I'm Trent Lueders.
- And I'm Jay Kell.
927
01:01:21,636 --> 01:01:24,013
Roanoke fell for the five-hole trap.
928
01:01:24,097 --> 01:01:28,101
For those of you who don't know
what that is, allow me to "Kellistrate."
929
01:01:29,977 --> 01:01:33,106
There are four holes.
One for each corner.
930
01:01:33,523 --> 01:01:36,609
The five-hole is here, between the legs.
931
01:01:37,151 --> 01:01:43,157
You can try to beat him here. Or here.
Or even way down here.
932
01:01:45,618 --> 01:01:49,455
Thanks, Jay.
Let's get back to the action.
933
01:01:56,129 --> 01:01:58,756
Roanoke has done it! We're all tied!
934
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:01,801
The Leafs have won
three straight games!
935
01:02:01,884 --> 01:02:04,721
Game seven will be in Toronto.
936
01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:07,014
- Hey!
- It's down to one game.
937
01:02:07,098 --> 01:02:09,350
Get me out of here, pricks!
938
01:02:12,854 --> 01:02:18,109
...champion. I just got the call.
You are 100% booked on Oprah.
939
01:02:18,609 --> 01:02:19,819
Great.
940
01:02:20,486 --> 01:02:22,572
I got on Oprah, right?
941
01:02:23,281 --> 01:02:26,784
- I'm the next Deepak Chopra, right?
- You are.
942
01:02:28,786 --> 01:02:31,080
He's definitely in.
943
01:02:31,164 --> 01:02:34,625
- Doesn't feel good, does it?
- Get off my tits!
944
01:02:38,004 --> 01:02:39,505
Congratulations.
945
01:02:39,589 --> 01:02:42,967
Darren and Prudence are back together,
we got a shot at winning the Cup,
946
01:02:43,050 --> 01:02:47,054
and you got on Oprah.
I suppose all that's left is...
947
01:02:47,138 --> 01:02:48,598
The check.
948
01:02:50,892 --> 01:02:52,685
Yeah. Here we go.
949
01:02:53,686 --> 01:02:57,398
Oh, my pretty.
Miss Bullard, it has been terrific.
950
01:02:57,482 --> 01:03:00,109
Now, if any of your other players
have any professional catastrophe,
951
01:03:00,193 --> 01:03:05,072
personal pain, or a drug addiction,
please do not hesitate to call.
952
01:03:05,156 --> 01:03:08,242
Your Holiness,
the check and I will be in the car.
953
01:03:08,326 --> 01:03:09,952
- Cheerio.
- Bye.
954
01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:14,540
- I guess you got everything you wanted.
- Not everything, Jane.
955
01:03:16,459 --> 01:03:20,797
Well, say there was this guru, say.
956
01:03:20,880 --> 01:03:23,299
And this guru was, you know,
handsome, you know,
957
01:03:23,382 --> 01:03:26,636
had a nice gleam in his eye,
a nice tuck in his butt, say.
958
01:03:26,719 --> 01:03:31,474
And say this guru,
maybe not me, maybe somebody else,
959
01:03:31,557 --> 01:03:35,228
had a certain vow.
960
01:03:35,978 --> 01:03:37,855
What kind of vow?
961
01:03:39,065 --> 01:03:43,861
Forget about it. Just Etch A Sketch
everything I was saying.
962
01:03:49,867 --> 01:03:51,577
Mariska Hargitay.
963
01:03:53,955 --> 01:03:55,957
Mariska Hargitay.
964
01:04:03,923 --> 01:04:06,008
Well, here we go. Game seven.
965
01:04:06,092 --> 01:04:08,928
It all comes down to this,
ladies and gentlemen.
966
01:04:09,011 --> 01:04:10,263
Who do you like tonight, Jay?
967
01:04:11,931 --> 01:04:12,932
Jay?
968
01:04:13,015 --> 01:04:15,184
I like the Christmas babies, Trent!
969
01:04:15,268 --> 01:04:19,522
And I like the way my skin feels
when I'm wearing my rainbow jacket!
970
01:04:25,278 --> 01:04:26,946
By your command.
971
01:04:29,907 --> 01:04:31,617
You're back on drugs, aren't you?
972
01:04:31,701 --> 01:04:34,787
Yes, I am, asshole-face man!
973
01:04:36,539 --> 01:04:39,000
By the power of Gahar,
I command thee to vanish!
974
01:04:39,083 --> 01:04:41,210
- Let's see what's happening rinkside.
- No!
975
01:04:41,294 --> 01:04:44,255
Well, here comes Lucy the elephant.
976
01:04:44,338 --> 01:04:47,216
I cannot be killed but with fire!
977
01:04:47,300 --> 01:04:52,471
The Deluca Brothers Circus is
coming to town. Isn't that just adorable?
978
01:04:53,097 --> 01:04:56,934
Well, whoever wins tonight
walks away Stanley Cup champions.
979
01:04:57,810 --> 01:05:01,898
Listen up! It's down to one game,
and we've got the momentum!
980
01:05:01,981 --> 01:05:03,816
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
981
01:05:08,154 --> 01:05:09,780
Why you got your heads down?
982
01:05:10,823 --> 01:05:12,700
We can beat these clowns.
983
01:05:12,783 --> 01:05:16,037
Besides, I still have
a few trick on my sleeve.
984
01:05:16,871 --> 01:05:21,542
Flight 22 to Chicago
is now boarding at Gate Five.
985
01:05:21,626 --> 01:05:26,255
Our plane leaves in 20 minutes.
The people at Oprah are very excited!
986
01:05:26,339 --> 01:05:27,423
That's great.
987
01:05:27,506 --> 01:05:31,260
Ladies and gentlemen,
here to sing The Star-Spangled Banner,
988
01:05:31,344 --> 01:05:35,264
mother of Leafs' center,
Darren Roanoke, Lillian Roanoke.
989
01:05:35,348 --> 01:05:38,267
That's Darren's mother!
Quaking pudding!
990
01:05:38,559 --> 01:05:40,144
Hi, baby!
991
01:05:42,021 --> 01:05:43,022
What do I do?
992
01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:45,107
I don't know!
993
01:05:45,191 --> 01:05:48,319
Oh, say, can you see
994
01:05:48,402 --> 01:05:52,573
By the dawn's early light
995
01:05:52,657 --> 01:05:56,243
What so proudly we hailed
996
01:05:57,578 --> 01:05:58,621
Hey!
997
01:05:58,704 --> 01:06:00,623
Roanoke is freaking out...
998
01:06:00,706 --> 01:06:02,500
What do I do?
What do I do? What do I do?
999
01:06:02,583 --> 01:06:06,295
No, no! Nothing to see here.
Our plane is about to leave for Oprah,
1000
01:06:06,379 --> 01:06:09,882
and we have to go realize
every dream we've ever had.
1001
01:06:10,549 --> 01:06:13,177
I am not going with you, Dick.
1002
01:06:13,260 --> 01:06:15,638
Oh, no! No!
1003
01:06:15,721 --> 01:06:19,976
If you don't get on that plane,
I will take 60% of the ashram!
1004
01:06:20,768 --> 01:06:23,312
Fine. I don't need material things.
1005
01:06:24,188 --> 01:06:28,150
I was put on this earth
to spread a message of peace and love.
1006
01:06:28,234 --> 01:06:31,696
- Give me that ticket! Give me it!
- No! Please, no!
1007
01:06:35,324 --> 01:06:38,536
You will never be
the next Deepak Chopra!
1008
01:06:38,619 --> 01:06:40,579
What?
1009
01:06:48,587 --> 01:06:50,172
Box him out!
1010
01:06:51,841 --> 01:06:53,092
Oh, damn.
1011
01:06:53,175 --> 01:06:54,635
At the end of the first period,
1012
01:06:54,719 --> 01:06:57,513
the Kings lead the Leafs,
one to nothing.
1013
01:06:57,596 --> 01:07:01,934
And the question on everyone's mind is,
where's Roanoke?
1014
01:07:03,394 --> 01:07:05,062
Baby, are you all right?
1015
01:07:05,146 --> 01:07:07,606
I can't play in front of you, Ma!
1016
01:07:08,232 --> 01:07:12,403
It's all my fault for not putting
more pressure on you to succeed.
1017
01:07:16,824 --> 01:07:17,867
- Yes.
- Hello?
1018
01:07:17,950 --> 01:07:19,535
Jane, I'm on my way.
1019
01:07:19,618 --> 01:07:22,121
- I thought you said he was cured!
- I was wrong.
1020
01:07:22,705 --> 01:07:24,999
Tell Coach Cherkov to buy some time!
1021
01:07:25,291 --> 01:07:26,417
Okay.
1022
01:07:27,626 --> 01:07:30,546
Sir, please, please make sure
it's locked, sir. Please, over there.
1023
01:07:30,629 --> 01:07:33,799
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
1024
01:07:35,259 --> 01:07:37,720
Dell Computers, this is Chip.
1025
01:07:38,262 --> 01:07:41,807
Rajneesh, I...
Wait a second, who is Chip?
1026
01:07:42,433 --> 01:07:43,434
I took another job.
1027
01:07:43,517 --> 01:07:45,936
Rajneesh, you have to come meet me!
1028
01:07:46,020 --> 01:07:48,064
I must finish my job with Darren.
1029
01:07:48,147 --> 01:07:50,274
- You're back, Babu!
- Yes!
1030
01:07:52,777 --> 01:07:54,779
Bodhisattva!
1031
01:08:00,284 --> 01:08:03,746
- Boo! You suck, Bullard!
- No, you suck!
1032
01:08:03,829 --> 01:08:08,042
You can say bad things about me,
but I won't say bad things about myself!
1033
01:08:08,125 --> 01:08:12,213
So, guess what?
You can all just kiss my Canadian ass!
1034
01:08:20,679 --> 01:08:22,348
Cherkov, Pitka's coming. You...
1035
01:08:22,431 --> 01:08:25,226
Are you as turned on as I am right now?
1036
01:08:25,851 --> 01:08:27,937
You're a bad, bad person.
1037
01:08:28,604 --> 01:08:30,689
I'll take that as a yes.
1038
01:08:31,273 --> 01:08:33,567
Pitka's coming. Just stall.
1039
01:08:35,611 --> 01:08:37,738
Hey, ref! Time-out!
1040
01:08:37,822 --> 01:08:39,698
Leafs call their last time-out.
1041
01:08:39,865 --> 01:08:42,618
- Darren?
- Come on, baby.
1042
01:08:42,701 --> 01:08:45,287
- Jane!
- You lied to me!
1043
01:08:45,371 --> 01:08:48,666
Yes. I only pulled away from you
because of this.
1044
01:08:51,877 --> 01:08:57,049
My name is the Guru Pitka,
and I wear a chastity belt.
1045
01:08:58,551 --> 01:09:03,722
So, you didn't reject me.
You're just devoted to a higher purpose.
1046
01:09:03,806 --> 01:09:05,224
Yes, Jane.
1047
01:09:08,060 --> 01:09:10,396
Superstar, it's me, Guru Pitka!
1048
01:09:10,479 --> 01:09:13,065
Good luck. He won't even let me in.
1049
01:09:22,950 --> 01:09:26,996
Darren, I took a shortcut with you,
and I'm sorry.
1050
01:09:27,663 --> 01:09:30,082
Now, what is it you can't face?
1051
01:09:31,083 --> 01:09:34,712
- What did you say to me?
- What is it you can't face?
1052
01:09:35,296 --> 01:09:39,466
- I can't face my ma.
- Then that's what you have to face.
1053
01:09:39,550 --> 01:09:41,594
- Will you help me?
- I can't.
1054
01:09:41,677 --> 01:09:44,763
You're on your own
when it comes to your mother.
1055
01:09:44,847 --> 01:09:48,642
Darren, the only way out is in.
1056
01:09:51,353 --> 01:09:52,813
Yes, yes, yes, it's good.
1057
01:09:52,897 --> 01:09:56,442
It's good, it's good,
it's good, it's good, it's good.
1058
01:09:56,525 --> 01:09:58,027
What the hell happened to you?
1059
01:09:58,110 --> 01:10:02,448
Ma! I'm a grown man,
and I can take it from here.
1060
01:10:04,783 --> 01:10:06,202
I love you.
1061
01:10:06,994 --> 01:10:08,954
I love you, baby boy.
1062
01:10:14,043 --> 01:10:17,379
Now, how long will it take you
to get dressed and get down to the ice?
1063
01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:19,048
- Five minutes.
- Well, you better hurry up,
1064
01:10:19,131 --> 01:10:21,133
'cause there's only six minutes
left in the game!
1065
01:10:21,217 --> 01:10:24,595
Go, baby boy! Go, go, go, go, go!
1066
01:10:25,054 --> 01:10:28,432
I think I made a happy wee-wee. Yeah.
1067
01:10:31,310 --> 01:10:35,940
Come on. Let's go quickly!
Come on. Come, come. Hello?
1068
01:10:36,065 --> 01:10:42,780
Action picks up here in game seven
with only 31 seconds left to go.
1069
01:10:43,364 --> 01:10:46,200
- Coach, I'm ready.
- Get in there!
1070
01:10:47,201 --> 01:10:49,578
Darren Roanoke is in the game!
1071
01:10:57,336 --> 01:11:01,090
Hey, Rob Blake. The first thing
they teach you about hockey
1072
01:11:01,173 --> 01:11:03,467
is never ever watch the puck.
1073
01:11:18,983 --> 01:11:21,443
Roanoke's going for the Ice Slam!
1074
01:11:22,820 --> 01:11:24,154
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
1075
01:11:24,238 --> 01:11:27,992
We're all tied up, folks,
with only eight seconds left!
1076
01:11:28,784 --> 01:11:33,789
- Seven, six, five, four...
- Seven, six, five, four...
1077
01:11:33,872 --> 01:11:34,873
This is it, folks.
1078
01:11:34,957 --> 01:11:38,127
Roanoke on the breakaway,
just him and Grande!
1079
01:11:41,046 --> 01:11:44,925
With one second left! It's a penalty shot.
1080
01:11:45,009 --> 01:11:47,928
Roanoke could win
the Stanley Cup here.
1081
01:11:48,387 --> 01:11:49,555
Hey!
1082
01:11:50,180 --> 01:11:56,603
Listen, Darren, I know we are rivals,
but fate chose these sides, not us.
1083
01:11:57,521 --> 01:12:01,608
So, before you take this shot,
I just need to say
1084
01:12:04,570 --> 01:12:05,904
damn!
1085
01:12:08,240 --> 01:12:09,867
Show it to me.
1086
01:12:20,836 --> 01:12:22,087
Damn!
1087
01:12:23,422 --> 01:12:30,095
I don't know what Grande just said
to Roanoke, but he is now out to lunch.
1088
01:12:30,637 --> 01:12:33,307
Superstar! What did he say to you?
1089
01:12:33,390 --> 01:12:35,017
He said, "Damn!"
1090
01:12:35,100 --> 01:12:38,479
"Damn!" Quaking pudding.
That's not good.
1091
01:12:38,562 --> 01:12:40,939
- Cherkov, call a time-out.
- We're out of time-outs.
1092
01:12:41,023 --> 01:12:42,191
Just buy us some time.
1093
01:12:42,274 --> 01:12:44,526
He needs a distraction. Jane, follow me!
1094
01:12:44,610 --> 01:12:46,236
He's gotta take the shot, now!
1095
01:12:46,320 --> 01:12:49,156
I promised myself I'd never do this.
1096
01:12:49,239 --> 01:12:51,950
Hey, ref! I'm having a heart attack.
1097
01:12:54,328 --> 01:12:57,373
Out of the way! Coach! Coach!
1098
01:12:57,456 --> 01:12:59,208
Get the crash kit!
1099
01:12:59,666 --> 01:13:03,212
- Sir, may I borrow your elephant, Lucy?
- Sure.
1100
01:13:03,295 --> 01:13:07,591
Bodhisattva!
1101
01:13:10,761 --> 01:13:14,056
Come, come! Come on, boy!
Elephant coming through!
1102
01:13:14,139 --> 01:13:17,393
Come on, Bodhi!
Let's go quickly! Come on, Bodhi!
1103
01:13:22,231 --> 01:13:23,524
Clear!
1104
01:13:47,965 --> 01:13:49,174
Yes!
1105
01:13:55,180 --> 01:13:56,557
Yes!
1106
01:14:08,026 --> 01:14:09,695
Get busy, Bodhi.
1107
01:14:32,718 --> 01:14:34,219
Eight seconds!
1108
01:14:37,556 --> 01:14:39,391
What do you make of this?
1109
01:14:39,475 --> 01:14:43,729
I think they're doing it, Trent.
I think they're doing it hard.
1110
01:14:44,354 --> 01:14:46,815
Let's go to the Kellistrator.
1111
01:14:55,240 --> 01:14:58,827
The ultimate distraction!
1112
01:15:03,415 --> 01:15:05,751
- I love you.
- I love you.
1113
01:15:11,882 --> 01:15:16,178
Post-ejaculation,
the barbs at the tip of the penis retract.
1114
01:15:16,261 --> 01:15:20,140
Bing-bam-boom, you got
a baby pachyderm. Back to you, Trent.
1115
01:15:25,437 --> 01:15:29,024
Now, what happens
if you don't score this goal?
1116
01:15:29,107 --> 01:15:30,275
I'd still be a hero
1117
01:15:31,151 --> 01:15:32,152
to me!
1118
01:15:32,277 --> 01:15:36,156
Yes! "Gee, you are you." TM.
1119
01:15:38,325 --> 01:15:39,743
Go get 'em!
1120
01:15:44,957 --> 01:15:47,251
Come on, Roanoke! Let's go!
1121
01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,178
Five-hole!
1122
01:15:59,221 --> 01:16:00,347
No!
1123
01:16:02,307 --> 01:16:04,059
Five-hole trap!
1124
01:16:12,276 --> 01:16:16,947
The Toronto Maple Leafs
have won the Stanley Cup!
1125
01:16:17,030 --> 01:16:19,825
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
1126
01:16:20,284 --> 01:16:21,702
Yeah!
1127
01:16:24,162 --> 01:16:28,834
- I love hockey! I love hockey!
- I love hockey, too!
1128
01:16:29,334 --> 01:16:31,086
They did it!
1129
01:16:36,174 --> 01:16:39,970
The curse is over for the Leafs,
and I need to sleep!
1130
01:16:45,392 --> 01:16:48,103
We didn't waste time.
We didn't waste no time.
1131
01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:53,191
- Maurice?
- Deepak Chopra!
1132
01:16:53,775 --> 01:16:56,486
Oprah called me,
and she said you canceled.
1133
01:16:56,570 --> 01:16:58,780
I told her
she should give you another chance.
1134
01:16:58,864 --> 01:17:04,119
As great as you are, I don't need
to become the next Deepak Chopra.
1135
01:17:04,202 --> 01:17:06,496
I am the first Guru Pitka!
1136
01:17:07,205 --> 01:17:08,707
You are free.
1137
01:17:08,790 --> 01:17:11,209
You're a good man, Deepak Chopra.
1138
01:17:12,377 --> 01:17:16,006
Hey, Pitka?
Sorry I punched you in the nuts.
1139
01:17:16,923 --> 01:17:19,259
That's okay. Give me a hug.
1140
01:17:23,722 --> 01:17:26,433
If you ever sucker punch me again,
1141
01:17:26,516 --> 01:17:30,395
I'll kick your ass all the way back
to the Keebler factory.
1142
01:17:32,022 --> 01:17:35,150
Give me a pound. Lock it down.
1143
01:17:35,233 --> 01:17:38,070
Break the pickle. Tickle, tickle.
1144
01:17:38,987 --> 01:17:40,155
- You.
- No, you.
1145
01:17:40,238 --> 01:17:42,366
- Come on now, you.
- No, you.
1146
01:17:42,449 --> 01:17:44,076
Well, no, you.
1147
01:17:54,586 --> 01:17:58,382
And so our story ends
where it all began,
1148
01:17:59,132 --> 01:18:03,220
here in the tiny Indian village
of Harenmahkeester,
1149
01:18:03,303 --> 01:18:05,681
in the valley of Lintinmybelli.
1150
01:18:05,764 --> 01:18:07,391
Oh, hi.
1151
01:18:07,474 --> 01:18:11,436
- Maurice.
- Oh, my God. You look so beautiful.
1152
01:18:12,270 --> 01:18:13,772
Thank you.
1153
01:18:14,731 --> 01:18:18,944
Maurice.
You have finally learned to love yourself.
1154
01:18:19,027 --> 01:18:22,030
You may now renounce
your vow of chastity.
1155
01:18:22,114 --> 01:18:24,032
May I have the key?
1156
01:18:28,370 --> 01:18:31,873
There is no key. There never was.
1157
01:18:31,957 --> 01:18:34,126
There's a snap in the back.
1158
01:18:39,881 --> 01:18:44,302
Thank you, Guru Tugginmypudha. Yeah.
1159
01:18:44,803 --> 01:18:46,054
Are you leaving?
1160
01:18:46,138 --> 01:18:51,643
The last rule of guru
is to rid student of the need of guru.
1161
01:18:52,227 --> 01:18:53,812
Yes, of course.
1162
01:18:58,984 --> 01:19:00,986
Okay, see you.
1163
01:19:03,238 --> 01:19:05,282
Doesn't work sometimes.
1164
01:19:06,825 --> 01:19:09,035
So, what do you want to do now?
1165
01:19:09,119 --> 01:19:11,455
Well, I've been wearing this belt
since I was 12 years old.
1166
01:19:11,538 --> 01:19:14,166
What do you think I want to do now?
1167
01:19:14,666 --> 01:19:15,876
I want to sing!
1168
01:19:17,210 --> 01:19:21,882
Some people call me
the space cowboy, yeah
1169
01:19:22,841 --> 01:19:25,510
Some call me the gangster of love
1170
01:19:28,472 --> 01:19:31,391
Some people call me Maurice
1171
01:19:32,476 --> 01:19:36,396
Because I speak
of the pompatus of love
1172
01:19:37,856 --> 01:19:40,817
'Cause I'm a picker I'm a grinner
1173
01:19:40,901 --> 01:19:42,152
- I'm a lover
- I'm a lover
1174
01:19:42,235 --> 01:19:44,446
- And I'm a sinner
- And I'm a sinner
1175
01:19:44,529 --> 01:19:48,909
- I play my music in the sun
- I play my music in the sun
1176
01:19:49,326 --> 01:19:50,535
- I'm a joker
- I'm a joker
1177
01:19:50,619 --> 01:19:52,078
- I'm a smoker
- I'm a smoker
1178
01:19:52,162 --> 01:19:55,207
- I'm a midnight toker
- I'm a midnight toker
1179
01:19:55,832 --> 01:20:00,086
- I get my loving on the run
- I get my loving on the run
1180
01:20:12,057 --> 01:20:15,727
I am the love guru, yeah
1181
01:20:24,402 --> 01:20:26,321
He's a picker
He's a grinner
1182
01:20:26,404 --> 01:20:29,241
He's a lover
He's a sinner
1183
01:20:29,324 --> 01:20:32,786
He plays his music in the sun
1184
01:20:33,119 --> 01:20:35,205
I'm a joker
I'm a smoker
1185
01:20:35,288 --> 01:20:37,374
I'm a midnight toker
1186
01:20:37,999 --> 01:20:41,419
I get my loving on the run
1187
01:21:15,245 --> 01:21:16,705
Starting mark.
1188
01:21:16,788 --> 01:21:18,331
Hey, Peter,
can we move the camera in?
1189
01:21:18,415 --> 01:21:20,542
All I can see is asses.
1190
01:21:20,625 --> 01:21:22,878
Now you know what it's like.
1191
01:21:33,471 --> 01:21:35,390
Bravo, Verne, bravo.
85402
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