All language subtitles for The.In-Laws.1979.1080p.BluRay.X264-AMIABLE.SDH

- Let's call in, huh?
- ♪♪ (vocalizing continues)

Hello, this is Alpha and Beta.
Over.

MAN (on radio):
We read you, Alpha Beta. Location. Over.

We're whipping along South Factory

and should be coming into the old "minterooni"
in about nine minutes at 1100.

Over and out.

DRIVER: What's goin' on?

Wait a minute.
Oh, Christ! Arabs!

- What are you talking about?
- For Christ's sake!

Base, this is Alpha Beta.
Come in. Come in, base.

DRIVER: I bet it's Arabs.
I saw a TV show. This is what they do.

Base, come in. Come in, base.
This is Alpha Beta.

- Oh, Jesus Maria.
- This is Alpha Beta! Come in!

- DRIVER: Goddamned Arabs!
- They're lowering us now.

- What's happenin'? What's wrong?
- I think we're jammed.

Jammed? Get somebody on that radio!
We can't use no jammed!

Hello! Base! Base!

DRIVER: We're the US Treasury,
for Christ's sake!

This ain't no Wells Fargo truck!

(blowtorch hissing)

I'll get ya!
Yeah, I'll get your ass! I'll get ya!

Get outta there!

Look at this shit.
There's nothin' but money in here.

That's the ticket. Let's go.

Vince?

Hey, Vince.

Hey.

Hey.

- Hey, Vince.
- Gee, I can't believe this trade.

What the hell do the Mets
need another pitcher for?

All they got is pitchers.

What are we doin' up here?
I don't understand.

Oh, there's reasons.

I mean, you know,
I don't just do things.

There's always a valid reason.

Let me see.

Mm-hmm.

- All right. Any problems?
- None.

Fabulous. Fabulous work.

Now, what's the story on this?
You gonna bill me or what?

- He wants a million-five for this.
- No sweat.

- By tomorrow.
- What?

Sorry. That's what he said.

No, that's completely nuts.

My kid is getting married Sunday. How does he
expect me to come up with that kind of money?

Vince.

Do you know how completely tied up
I've been with this deal?

I haven't even met the bride's family yet.

If it was up to me, you could take two weeks.
But that's what he told me.

Jesus Christ.

Okay. I just have to work
something out, that's all.

Thanks for everything.

- How's the wife?
- She's fine.

You know she's taken up tennis?

- No kidding.
- Yeah.

That's one game,
I could never get the hang of it.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because
you have to wear short pants to play.

- (laughing)
- (sirens wailing)

I guess we oughta
break this thing up, huh?

- Take it easy.
- You too, Vince.

So long.

(sirens continue wailing)

MAN: Evita, give Acme a call. I'm not happy
with the viscosity on these bibs.

Okay, here we go, Mr. Hirschorn.

Just open your mouth, please.

Mr. Hirschorn, take your hand down,
put your head back, open your mouth.

That's it.

Mr. Hirschorn, I cannot work this way.

Doc, 72 years I have this tooth.
He don't want to die.

Mr. Hirschorn, your tooth is not a "he."

It's nerves, enamel, rotten,
and it's gotta go. No big deal.

Seventy-two years.
This tooth had steaks.

This tooth had just beans
when I was poor.

Mr. Hirschorn ‒

This tooth chewed on beautiful women,

including a second cousin
of Sophie Tucker.

- Your tooth has had a wonderful ‒
- Dr. Kornpett?

- Yeah.
- Your wife is on the line.

- Tell her I'll be right there.
- Okay.

Your tooth has had a wonderful life,
but now it's time to say good-bye.

I understand. But I want you to know
what kind of a tooth this was.

It's an extraordinary tooth.
It's gonna be an honor for me to pull it out.

Which I'm gonna do right after
I answer this phone call. Excuse me.

Hi. How's it going?

The tent up?

Terrific.

Yeah, I'm getting excited.
Is Barbara home?

Yes, she's here being very domestic.

- Hi!
- She says hi.

- And remember the wine.
- Oh, and remember the wine.

No, not Beaujolais.

Get something fancier.
Uh, a Saint-Émilion or a good California.

Cabernet's great.

Julia Child says Cabernet's great.

- Will you be home early tonight?
- Yeah, 7:00 sharp.

He's definitely coming over?

Sweetheart,
I'll believe it when I see him.

No, I'll behave myself.

I got somebody in the chair,
so I gotta go.

(kisses)
Me too. Good-bye.

My daughter's getting married
on Sunday, Mr. Hirschorn.

- Oh, no kiddin'.
- Yeah.

- That's great, Doc. Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Mazel tov. Nice boy?

Oh, yeah.
Second-year law student at Yale.

Oh. And the parents?

Well, the mother's very nice.

The father does some kind
of international consulting work.

He travels a lot, so we haven't seen him.
He's coming to dinner tonight. First time.

- Call it off.
- Call what off?

The wedding.
Call it off until you know the father.

- Well, it's Sunday ‒
- Call it off.

She's marrying the son, not the father.

The son is the acorn.
You gotta look at the tree.

I've been around a little.
Give a listen.

Uh, by the way, here.

What's that, your tooth?

- I pulled it when you were on the phone.
- (laughing)

You're a nice boy.
You could hurt yourself pulling like that.

- Now do me a favor.
- I can't call it off, Mr. Hirschorn.

It's not 19th-century Minsk.
It's 20th-century Manhattan.

- I hope I'm wrong.
- You're wrong.

- Best of luck to you.
- Thank you.

- (chuckles) Forget I said anything.
- I forgot already.

(vehicle approaching)

(vehicle passes)

- False alarm.
- I hope they haven't had an accident.

Mr. Ricardo's been out of town.
Maybe he got hung up.

"Hung up"?

- I have to take the roast beef out of the oven.
- Just put it on the warmer.

- An hour late. Great start.
- I'm sure there's a good reason.

- Why couldn't he call?
- Well, if he's in bad traffic, he can't call.

- What are you taking their side for?
- I'm not taking anybody's side.

- You're still in our family, Barbara.
- Oh, God, Dad, don't lay this on me.

They're late, all right?
Don't make it like a family issue.

Such a hotshot, how come
he doesn't have a phone in the car?

Who said he was a hotshot?

You did. Travels all over the world.
Hasn't got time to meet the new in-laws.

I had a patient today, Mr. Hirschorn,
said I should call the whole thing off. Yes.

- That's a brilliant solution to the problem.
- (vehicle approaching)

Coupe de Ville?

That's them. Are you okay, or are you
gonna be totally hostile to them?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

(doorbell rings)

Will you ever forgive me?

- Please come in. Come in.
- Oh, welcome!

It's all my fault.

I had business in Canada and those
damn Canadians, they never stop talking.

- Believe me, I know what it's like.
- You must be the lovely mother of the bride.

- Aww.
- I am ‒ Oh!

Now I know where Barbara
gets her good looks.

- Oh, thank you.
- We're just very, very glad you're here.

- I'm Sheldon Kornpett.
- Shelly, I'm just thrilled to meet ya.

Tommy tells me you were the first dentist
ever to use that drill that spritzes water?

Among the first in New York, I think.
Why are we standing in the hallway?

- Please come in and have a drink.
- I could use one. It's been one of those days.

Shelly, have you ever had
one of those days ‒

I hate to say this,
but if we don't sit down right away,

that roast beef
is just going to be inedible.

- I'm starving, so it's fine with me.
- I'll take drink orders and make them myself.

I'm petrified.

My father was like a maniac
before you came.

(clears throat, sighs)

Vince, how long did you
actually live in Guatemala?

Oh, he was gone for ages.

I was in the jungle ‒

the bush, we called it ‒

for approximately nine months.

Nine months. My God.
That really must have been something.

Sheldon, it was unbelievable.

I saw things...

They have tsetse flies down there
the size of eagles.

Really.

In the evening, I would stand in front
of my hut and watch in horror

as these giant flies would pick children
off the ground and carry them away.

- My God.
- Oh, the things he told us.

- (clicks tongue)
- Oh, it was an incredible sight.

Peasants screaming, chasing these flies
down the road, waving brooms.

You can imagine the pathetic quality

of this waving these crudely fashioned
brooms at these enormous flies

as they carried their children
off to almost certain death.

Oh, that is just
the most horrible thing.

You sure these are flies
you're talking about?

Flies.

The natives had a name for 'em.

- José Grecos de Muertos.
- (Mrs. Kornpett gasps)

Flamenco dancers of death.

You took those slides of them
that never came out, remember?

That's a shame. I really would have liked
to have seen those slides.

- Me too.
- Yeah.

I left 'em in a jacket
that got Martinized.

It broke my heart because those slides
would've won me a Pulitzer Prize.

The enormous flies
flapping slowly away into the sunset.

Small, brown babies
clutched in their beaks.

Wow.

Beaks? Flies with beaks?

A sight I'll never forget.

I was stunned. Appalled.

What did you do?

What did I do?

As a consultant,
what did you do about the flies?

Sadly, there's very little you can do

because of the tremendous
red tape in the bush.

There's red tape in the bush?

Enormous red tape, Sheldon.

These flies, for example, uh,
they're protected against pilferage

under the provisions
of the Guacamole Act of 1917.

I've been getting the National Geographic
for years. I never ran into any ‒

- Dad, could I have some more wine?
- Yeah.

I'd like some too,
for the purposes of a toast.

MRS. RICARDO:
Oh, uh, good idea.

Um...

I'm not the most eloquent guy
in the world.

But I would like to say that
this has been a most lovely occasion.

And I couldn't agree more.

And on Sunday,
there's gonna be another occasion,

even more lovely, more sacred.

And all I really want to say is that

I'm just honored

and moved to be part of
the Kornpett family.

And I hope we'll be together
in the good times to share 'em with joy.

And if there are bad times,
God forbid, we'll work that out too,

but together.

- (Mrs. Kornpett sighs)
- Oh.

- That was very lovely, Mr. Ricardo.
- Yeah, I feel the same way, Dad.

(glasses clinking)

Uh, I'd like to say that

as difficult as it is for me
to give my little girl away,

I'm very happy that it's to someone
as wonderful as Tommy.

And my hope is that
the Kornpetts and Ricardos share

many happy and peaceful occasions

through many happy and peaceful years.

- (sobbing loudly)
- Oh, hear, hear!

(sobbing continues)

(sobbing, hooting)

Excuse me.
Where is the phone?

Phone?

- Uh, there's one in the kitchen.
- Where is the furthest one?

I have to make a long-distance call,

and sometimes with these overseas connections
I have to scream like a banshee.

Well, there's one in the basement,
but it's a mess.

Oh, that's okay.

- Through there?
- Oh, I'll show you.

Please, don't bother. I'll find it.

- Dad and his mysterious phone calls.
- (all laughing)

What did you say?

I-I just said Dad
and his mysterious phone calls.

What the hell do you mean by that?

Nothing. Really.

You're just always makin' these weird calls
in back rooms and pay booths.

You little snot-nose!
Those phone calls put you through college!

- Vince ‒
- I-I'm sure Tommy d-didn't mean ‒

I worked myself up to a position

where I can make these kind of
top-level phone calls to top businessmen,

and my own son derogates.

Dad, I wasn't derogating.

Well, maybe you weren't.

I'm terribly sorry, everybody.
It's been a long day.

Oh, listen...

- Through there?
- Yeah. First door to the left.

- Pull the string for the light.
- Thanks a million.

Um, he's, um ‒

he's been working very hard lately.

- Oh, listen...
- I mean n-normally, he's, uh ‒

Usually he's so affectionate
and physical with Tommy.

Listen, I can understand
a certain amount of resentment.

After all, he's had to work really hard
in his life and I really haven't.

It's Ricardo.

Yes, very smoothly.

But listen, that kind of money
by tomorrow, that's impossible.

No, Ralph, you don't understand.

This is a major international deal.

It's not like we're fencing
some shit in the street.

No, they're not all in there.

I kept one out just in case
you pulled something like this.

What's the point in threatening me?
You can't ‒

Hello?

Christ.

- Dad, what are you talking about?
- What am I talkin' about?

The man is crazy.
That's what I'm talkin' about.

He's crazy? Look at yourself.
You're foaming at the mouth.

Sweetheart ‒ It's toothpaste.

Sweetheart, I love you very much,
but I know about these things.

That man is crazy. I will not
have you marrying into that family.

You're being absolutely Sicilian
about this.

I'm marrying Tommy, not Vince.

Mm-mmm. Tommy is the acorn.

What acorn?

The acorn, sweetheart, from the tree.

- It's a saying.
- Oh.

It's a great saying, Dad.
Really captures a whole lot.

I don't need the sarcasm. It's off.

- It is not off.
- It's off!

I'm calling the caterers.
I'm calling the guests.

It may be a little bit humiliating
and a little bit expensive,

but you are not
marrying into that family.

Damn it. We are not calling it off.

Tommy and I are gonna go to Vegas
or some sleazy thing like that. I don't care.

But we are getting married.

- God, Mom, will you please tell him?
- I think you're being a little irrational.

I'm being irrational?

I sit there listening to stories
about the Guacamole Act of 1917

and tsetse flies
carrying off small children,

and I'm being irrational?

Well, so he embellishes a little bit.

First he's laughing, then he's crying,
then he practically belts Tommy in the mouth.

He didn't practically
belt him in the mouth.

He almost belted Tommy
in the mouth.

Then he's gotta go down in the basement
to make phone calls. What is that?

- And what else?
- I don't like, uh ‒

I don't like his whole manner.

And for that
you wanna call off the wedding?

Shelly.

You're just projecting like crazy.

- Psychology on parade.
- Go on, Shelly. Let her talk.

It isn't easy for fathers
to give away daughters.

It's a complicated relationship.
There's sexual stuff going on ‒

Hey, hey.

I'm not talking about incest,
for Christ's sake.

But there is a certain sexual component
to father-daughter relationships.

So the closer the wedding gets, I think,
the more edgy you're gonna be

and the more you're gonna fix on things
like Mr. Ricardo being a little flaky,

which I'm not denying,

as a reason to reject
the whole idea of marriage.

I think she's right.

$6,000 a year tuition to listen to this.

- It doesn't make sense?
- No, it makes sense. It makes sense.

I'm sorry.

There's no reason to be sorry.

All I want you to do is be more open
to Tommy's father.

Don't just reject him.

All right, I'll ‒
I'll try to be more open.

Shelly, think how nervous he was
to meet you.

Tommy's told him
so much about you.

- Well, he must have been nervous.
- Sure he was nervous.

Okay. Finished.

I'll do my best.

I'll just be incredibly receptive.

It's in the middle of the next block,
just past the Stetson Hat sign.

- 1270.
- Right.

Christ. Keep going.

- It's 1270, man.
- I said, keep going!

Stupid bastards.

Any particular place
you want me to go?

731 Fifth Avenue. Pronto.

Pronto it will be.

(tires squealing)

This is gonna set fast, Mrs. Adelman,
so just don't fight me.

- Good.
- (mumbles)

- No, it's looking good. Looking good.
- (mumbles)

No, no, two more visits
oughta do it fine.

Don't push out
with your tongue now, please.

All right, let that stay in there.

Now, you can relax your mouth,
but don't clench.

- (mumbling)
- I'm watching a master at work.

- What are you doing in here?
- Did I startle you folks?

You're going to have to leave the office.
Dr. Kornpett, I'm sorry.

I'm delighted to meet you.
I'm Vince Ricardo.

Dr. Kornpett's wonderful daughter
is marrying my son.

- (Mrs. Adelman mumbles)
- My in-law.

- Hello, dear.
- Barbara's ‒

This is some great dentist you have here.
You're a very lucky lady.

- (mumbling)
- No kidding.

I didn't expect to see you, Vince.

Well, I was just in the neighborhood
and I thought I'd say howdy-doo.

- Is there anything I can do for you?
- No, just wanted to say hello.

Uh-huh.
Well, come on back in my office.

- I don't want to intrude.
- No, no intrusion.

Mrs. Adelman, sit tight.
Don't clench.

- Do what the doc says now.
- Vince.

- You're very sweet.
- Vince!

(mumbling)

That's a wonderful patient you got there.
Very fine lady.

Oh, yeah? You know her?

No, but I can tell
she's a woman of real quality.

- The inner sanctum, huh?
- Yeah.

- Remember that show, The Inner Sanctum?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Boy, I never missed it.
- (Sheldon clears throat)

- Do you understand Latin, Sheldon?
- Yeah, a little.

You know what all this means?

Yeah. It means, uh, I won't get arrested
for impersonating a dentist.

- (Vince laughing)
- (Sheldon chuckles)

Oh, that's very funny.

Impersonating a dentist.

That's very cute.

(laughing continues)

Oh, dear.

Well, I'm really glad
you stopped by, Vince.

Well, I feel we're practically family now.
I like to feel close.

Listen, any time
you're in the neighborhood.

That's very kind of you, Shel. And don't
think I'm gonna abuse the privilege.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not one of those guys
who you give him an inch ‒

- No, no, no, no. Any time.
- Oh, wonderful.

Gee, but I can see how busy you are.
Gosh, the waiting room is filled.

- Yeah, well, I have a good practice.
- Yeah, it looks like an absolute gold mine.

- (chuckles)
- You keep hoppin', huh?

Yeah, yeah.

I guess if I were to ask you
to leave the office for a couple minutes,

that wouldn't be possible, would it?

Well, it would depend.

What about right now?

"What about right now" what?

Could I borrow you
for a couple minutes?

Right now?

Would it be terribly inconvenient?
Please say so if it is.

I just thought
because it was around lunch.

Vince, it's 9:00 in the morning.

You never take an early lunch?

I have a lot of patients out there, Vince.
Could you tell me what you want?

Oh, it's such a minor thing.
Gosh, I'm so embarrassed.

I-I hate to ask. It's just that ‒

I need a hand
for maybe five minutes.

Five minutes.

I-I got a cab waiting downstairs.
Five minutes tops.

Vince, I'd really like to help you out,

but I have two impacted molars
and a gold crown out there.

I'm all backed up.

Well, listen, what the hell.
I can do it myself. You're so busy.

Vince, can't this wait till this afternoon?
I'll be off around 5:00.

No, no, I can manage. I don't want to
make a federal case out of this.

This is really important to you?

It would be so helpful,
you can't imagine.

Like I say, it's no big deal.

(sighs)

What the hell.
I never get out of here anyway.

What's five minutes
for a member of the family?

Aw, Shel, this is
just stupendous of you.

- And you might even enjoy it.
- Yeah?

- Where we going?
- My office. I want you to break into my safe.

(woman screaming)

The Eagle has landed.
What now?

Just put your flashers on
and stay put.

Are we still moving?

No, the cab has stopped.
We're on West 31st Street.

Did we hit the little boy
on Sixth Avenue?

No, no, we missed him
by a good foot and a half.

Okay, now.

This is the combination to the safe,
and this is the key to the office.

And the safe is behind
the picture of President Kennedy.

Correct.

So I open the safe, take out a black bag
and come back here to the cab.

- With the bag.
- With the bag.

And there might be two guys hanging around
outside the front of the building

who should not see the bag.

It's a possibility.

Who are these guys?
What, are they after you or what?

You know you got
a terrific imagination, Shel.

No, these are my competitors.
You know.

And if they see me with this black bag,
then I lose my competitive edge. That's all.

Macy's and Gimbels.

That's a terrific example, Shel.
Really.

All right, let's get this over with.

- Shelly!
- What?

I'll never forget this.

Good.

- I'll stand still, all right?
- Happens all the time. Excuse me.

- Doc, uh, makin' a house call?
- Yeah, it's one of those emergencies.

That door never opens.
Use this one.

(key drops on floor)

Awfully nervous, isn't he?

Keeps dropping things.

- You think that ‒
- Maybe.

Come on.

- That's it.
- Pretty cute usin' a doc.

Very nice. Very nice.

Four years at Mount Holyoke
so she can marry into this.

"To Vince. Well, at least we tried.
Thanks for everything.

Yours, John F. Kennedy."

(chuckles)

(muttering)

(door handle rattling)

SHELDON:
Is that Vince?

Nothing personal, pal.
It's strictly business.

No! I'm not him. Uh, he's my in-law.
Look, here's my card.

(gunshot)

Goddamn. You take the fire escape.
I'll take the stairs. Go.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

There's no reason to shoot at me!
I'm a dentist!

GAME SHOW HOST (on TV):
Five. May we see us in a five.

- What is this show?
- Are you kidding, man?

The Price is Right.
This is the all-American game show.

And they're supposed to
guess what all that crap is worth?

- I mean, is that the principle?
- Yeah, right.

Aha.

May I have some milk, please?

- Is this coffee freeze-dried, by the way?
- Yes, it is.

It's very good.

How long has this show
been on the air?

Since about 1911.

Hey, I can't believe you never heard
of The Price is Right.

Well, I don't see that much television.
I'm out of the country a lot.

Really? What do you do?

I work for the CIA.

(gunshot)

Shit! Emergency!
Open the door!

This is an emergency.

(horn honking)

(grunts)

- (tires screech)
- (horn honks)

I can't believe you work for the CIA.

Why not?

I don't know.

I mean, you know,
I thought like, uh, James Bond.

Oh, no, they all look like me.

I'm the classic agency type.

Muscular, low to the ground, compact.

Are you interested in joining?
I'll tell ya, the benefits are fantastic.

The trick is not to get killed.
That's really the key to the benefit program.

Oh, God, don't let me die
on West 31st Street.

Vince!

- Hey, your friend is back.
- (Sheldon shouting)

- Okeydoke.
- Vince!

Help! Help!

- Are we square with you?
- MAN: Yeah.

Aah! Aah! Help!

Give me the bag.

Vince!

Don't shoot!

- No!
- Give me that bag.

Sheldon?

Shelly?

Shel, you all right?

Hey, watch out!

(siren wailing)

We really gotta get out of here.
Shel, give me your hand.

(siren continues wailing)

Cabbie, we're going on.

Shelly, I'm really sorry
it turned out this way. I had no idea ‒

- How could you? I almost got killed.
- I know.

You have dinner at my house,
you drag me out of my office,

then set me up to get killed?

- I'd really like a chance to explain.
- No explaining!

Just get out of my life!

- I understand completely.
- You don't understand anything!

I understand that you are a raving lunatic
and I want you out of my life!

- I can sympathize with your feelings.
- Don't come in. I want you out of my life.

I would like to oblige,
but I have a conscience.

Go away from me.
Don't look at me or talk to me.

- I feel terrible.
- Go away!

This man's wonderful daughter
is marrying my son the day after tomorrow.

- (excited chattering)
- Doc, I want to congratulate you.

- Congratulations!
- Thanks a lot.

I'm very sorry for the delay.

- I'll get to you as soon as I can.
- Please!

(groans)

Oh, Mrs. Adelman,
you've been still the entire time.

Can you close your mouth?
Can you bite down?

(grunting)

- Shelly?
- Mrs. Adelman cannot close her mouth.

She cannot bite down.

- This is why we have to talk.
- What is that?

To be perfectly candid, Shel,

these are engravings for US currency

which were stolen yesterday
from the United States Mint.

Now, the thing we have to talk about

is your unwitting participation
in this serious federal crime.

A crime punishable by a maximum sentence
of 40 years in a federal penitentiary.

You can rinse now, dear.

Sheldon?

Um, why don't you just stack it up
over there on this side of the furnace.

That way, it'll be easy to get at.

- Day after tomorrow, huh, Mrs. Kornpett?
- Oh, God, don't mention it.

There's so much to do.

Anything we can do to help,
feel free to call us, huh?

You're really very sweet.
I'm getting a little nervous about ‒

- Oh, be careful.
- (grunts)

- Oh, are you okay?
- Yeah.

That blasted thing
just falls apart all the time.

One day we're gonna have to
get around to getting it fixed.

- Hey, look at this.
- What?

It's 500.

What? What'd you ‒
Wh-What'd you say this is?

It's an engraving for a bill.
Here, look.

"The United States of America."

Maybe it's from the previous owners
or something.

Oh, I doubt it.
We've lived here for 15 years.

No, that's brand-new.

Isn't that the damnedest thing?
Right here in the cellar.

People find all kinds of things
in the cellar.

I just can't imagine.

Huh. What do you think
I should do with it?

- I never seen one of 'em.
- Take it to the bank, honey. They'll know.

- You think so?
- Sure.

Ah, you're probably right.

- Hi.
- Hello, Mrs. Kornpett.

- All set for the wedding?
- (sighs) Well, we're getting there.

How's Barbara?
Is she nervous?

She doesn't show it,
but I'm sure she is.

My husband's
the jumpiest one of all right now.

Isn't that always the case?

There's just some things that men
don't handle as well as we do.

- I suppose so.
- Now, what can we do for you today?

- Cash a check, I'll bet.
- No, not really.

I... I found something.

Believe it or not, I found this
in my cellar this morning and I ‒

I just don't know what to make of it
or what I should do with it.

- Hmm. It's heavy, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.

My goodness,
this is some kind of engraving.

For a 500.

Yeah, you're right.

You found this in your cellar,
Mrs. Kornpett?

- This morning.
- Well, I never have that kind of luck.

Do you have any idea of what
I should do with it or what it's worth?

Oh, gee, I really don't know.

I've never even seen one of these.

I could ask our branch manager.
Do you mind waiting?

No, not really.
I'd like to resolve this somehow.

Well, sure. I don't blame you.
Let me ask him.

- Okay.
- Hi.

- Oh.
- Ready?

In a second.

- Did you get your shoes?
- No, they were all awful.

I got some tennis sneakers
so it wouldn't be a total loss.

- You've gotta get some shoes.
- I know, I know.

Tomorrow we'll go into the city.

I'll try Bloomingdale's,
I. Miller and Bendel's.

Worse comes to worst,
I'll wear my clogs on Sunday.

You're not going to wear clogs
at your wedding.

Nobody'll see 'em.

- My God.
- What?

Look at this.

Let's not fight about it.
I'll go into the city tomorrow.

I'll probably find
an acceptable pair of shoes.

- Clogs are out of the question.
- Will you stop?

- Mrs. Kornpett?
- Yes.

Would you mind stepping over
to my office for a moment?

You feeling a little better?

You were smart to order that split pea soup.
That looks delicious. May I?

Mmm. It's very nice.
It's a little greasy, but it's very nice.

Crumble up some saltines into it, Shel.
That will absorb the grease.

Shel, when I speak, do you hear me?
Do you understand the words?

- Yeah.
- Well, that's good.

That's a relief.
I was beginning to get worried.

I thought maybe all this excitement
had gotten to you.

Let me see if I got this straight.

- You work for the CIA.
- That's right.

You've been with them how long?
Twenty years?

Since Eisenhower.

And you robbed
the United States Mint for the CIA.

- Is that correct?
- Completely.

Okay. Let me ask you a question.

Since when is it the policy of the CIA

to impress private citizens into their service
without telling them what it's about

so that individuals of high standing
in the community

end up running down the streets
with bullets flying past their heads?

- That was a mistake.
- Some mistake.

- Thank God nobody was hurt.
- How do you justify such behavior?

Shel, I didn't do it lightly.

It was done in the name of something pretty
important which you couldn't understand.

- I couldn't understand?
- No, it is too complicated.

I read the newspapers.

I graduated second in my class.

Don't underestimate
the man in the street, buddy.

All right, you got a point.
You're right.

When you're right, you're right.

Okay, try and follow me, Shel.

This whole thing has to do with a conspiracy
that originated in Central America

against the economy
of the United States.

We first got wind of it nine months ago
when they robbed the German mint.

Well, actually, they robbed ‒
they robbed the English mint,

then the German mint,
and then the Swiss mint.

- And they never took any money.
- Who did this?

- It's a Latin-American syndicate.
- Okay.

- They only took the plates.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, what you have to understand is that
we have information ‒ the agency has ‒

- The CIA.
- You're goddamn right, buddy.

The CIA.

We know that these plates
are going down to Central America,

and these people intend to run off
billions of dollars of this currency.

- They want to obliterate their debts.
- What debts?

Well, all these countries, Shel,

they all owe billions of dollars to the West,
and they can never pay it back.

- Right. Right.
- They're too poor. You know that.

Their only hope is worldwide inflation.

But it has to be a huge one.

I mean, so big that paper money
is not worth anything.

- You use it for wallpaper.
- Mmm.

Now, once they get these plates ‒

- the ones that I robbed yesterday ‒
- Yes?

which is American dollars,
now they're all set.

Set for what?

What do you think's gonna happen
when they start running off this dough,

and suddenly there's trillions of extra
dollars, francs and marks floating around?

You've got a collapse
of confidence in the currency.

- Right.
- People are gonna panic.

- Yeah.
- There's gonna be gold riots.

Atonal music.
Political chaos. Mass suicide.

- Right?
- Yeah.

It's Germany before Hitler.

- You can see that.
- Yeah.

Jesus.

I don't know what people are gonna do
when a six-pack of Budweiser costs $1,200.

Oh, that would be awful.

- You think I'm bullshitting, don't ya?
- No, I don't. I don't.

- Well, they thought I was bullshitting.
- Who thought you were bullshitting?

The CIA.

I told 'em.

I said, fellas, the thing to do
is to rob the US Mint.

Really rob it. Professionally.

With real gangsters and real guns.

Get the engraving,
go to Central America,

smoke out the action
and nail those bastards.

They thought it was too risky.
Turned it down.

Wait a minute. W-Wait a minute.
The CIA turned this down?

- I thought you were doing it for them.
- I am.

- Well, th-then they're behind you.
- No, this I did on my own.

You robbed the United States Mint
on your own?

- The CIA thought it was too crazy?
- Too risky, Shel.

So you went ahead and robbed it
on your own, with gangsters.

- You committed a federal crime!
- Of course it's federal.

The Treasury Department is on the case.

- So what happens if you get caught?
- We won't get caught, not if we ‒

Stop the "we"!

If you get caught, is the agency gonna
come forward, say it's okay, he works for us?

- No.
- No.

No. I'm out in the cold
on this one, Shel.

If I get caught, they shred my records,
they say they never heard of me,

and it's 20 years in the slammer.

What about me? I was the one running
through the streets with that goddamn thing.

I was the one in the gutter.

And you were tremendous, Shel.

The way you handled yourself,
I can't tell you how impressed I was.

No, I mean this. It's been something
I've been wanting to say.

You were sensational, Shel,

and it's an act of friendship
that I will remember for as long as I live.

- Which could be about an hour.
- So what do I got? An hour and a half?

You have nothing to worry about.
You're an innocent victim.

How so?

I know it, and the cab driver knows it.
We both say it.

(sighs)

- What happens to you?
- Oh, I'll manage.

Listen, I've been
in tougher jams before.

You know, back when Kennedy
was president ‒

- You saw the picture in the office?
- Yes, I did.

- He was crazy about me.
- I was very impressed.

Honey, do you have the check?

Listen, let me ask you
about that picture.

What did that inscription mean?
"At least we tried."

Bay of Pigs.
That referred to the Bay of Pigs.

You were involved
with the Bay of Pigs?

Involved? That was my idea.

I'll get this, Shel.

The Bay of Pigs.

You win some, you lose some.

Listen, you gonna be home
in about an hour?

Why?

I want to make sure we get
that engraving out of your house.

What engraving?

Last night, I thoughtlessly
left one in your basement.

- An engraving from the bag?
- In my haste.

In my basement?

- Why are you getting so excited?
- Why am I getting so excited?

The central piece of evidence in the biggest
federal crime since the atomic spy case

is sitting in my basement!

You want to know
why I'm getting excited!

Go back to your lunches!
Do I meddle in your business?

- I want that thing out of my house!
- Shelly.

I'm getting to that.
Sit down. Finish your soup.

- I don't want to sit down. I don't want my soup.
- You hardly touched it.

- Stop with the soup!
- All right, relax.

Now, the thing ‒

We'll call it the thing. Okay, Shel?
But you know I mean the engraving.

The thing will be
out of your house in two hours.

A man calling himself D. Tracy
will come to your home wearing galoshes.

Give him the thing, okay?

Let me explain something to you.

If that thing isn't out of my house
in two hours, so help me God, Vince ‒

I understand your feelings.
Believe me.

But it's gonna be gone by 5:00.
Believe me.

And years from now we're gonna
look back on this whole thing,

sitting around a Christmas tree,
and we're all gonna have a big laugh.

I gotta run, Sheldon.

Remember ‒
D. Tracy, galoshes.

Complete stranger.
He sat down here next to me.

Never saw him before in my life.

I wish it was absurd, Mrs. Kornpett,
but it's a very serious matter.

This is ridiculous.
I feel like Bonnie and Clyde.

Nothing else in the basement.

How long has your husband
practiced dentistry, Mrs. Kornpett?

He's had his own practice since 1960.

- Always in New York?
- That's right.

He shared a practice with Dr. Murray Weingard
for two years in Brooklyn,

then opened his own practice
in Manhattan.

He was sergeant at arms
at the Long Island Dentists Guild.

He's always kept regular hours?

He comes through that door
at 7:00 every single evening.

Any tax trouble?

None.

He overpays.

His accountant tells him to take all
these deductions, but he never does.

Um, please, could you tell me
what this is all about?

What's with the engraving?

That's what we'd like to know,
Mrs. Kornpett.

But I'm sure if everything you've told us is
accurate, there's a very simple explanation.

This is so insane.

When you meet my father ‒

I mean, he's the least likely person
to be mixed up in anything.

BMW pulling in.

That's my husband.
You can talk to him yourself.

Holy shit.

- BMW pulling out!
- Let's go!

What's going on here?

I'm gonna tear his goddamn heart out!

AGENT:
Come on! Let's go!

Let's go!

God, Mom, what is this?

- Of course.
- What?

- Who was in the basement last night?
- Who?

(gasps)
Oh, Jesus. Mr. Ricardo.

That crazy little bastard,
he's involved your poor father in something.

I'll kill him.
I swear to God, I'll kill him!

Oh, my God!

- (horn honking)
- Watch out! Look out!

- (gasps) Watch out!
- (horn honks)

(tires squealing)

Well, where the hell is he?

Check the corner.

Beautiful job, isn't it?

Uh, that'll be 30 bucks.

Uh, you can pay me.
My dad's having supper.

It's worth it. Man, believe me,
that's a quality paint job.

It never wears out,
and you can't paint over it.

- Do you have a phone?
- What?

Phone! Phone!

Over there!

Medium rare all right for everybody?

- Well for me, Vince.
- You asked for it, you got it.

It's nice having Vince around
for a couple of days.

Took a wedding to do it.

And well worth it.
I'm having a wonderful time.

What do you think
of Tommy's new in-laws?

Delightful. Wonderful.
Wonderful people.

I had this instant chemical reaction, you know,
that these were really special people.

- (phone ringing)
- I'll get it.

No, I'm expecting a call from Zurich, honey.
You watch the chow.

- Okay.
- (ringing continues)

- Give my regards to the Swiss.
- (woman laughs)

(rings)

Hello.

I have flames on my car.

I have flames on my car!

Shel, you're very excited.
I don't know what you're saying.

Who?

Holy Christ!

They chased you?

Uh, Shel, I don't understand
what you're saying about these flames.

No.

No, don't go home
under any circumstance.

If it's really the treasury,
you'll get arrested. Definitely.

Well, what do I do, Vince?
I tell you sincerely I do not want to go to jail.

I don't want to get arrested.

Shel, what I would very much like
for you to do the minute you hang up

is drive like a bat out of hell
down to McGraw Airfield in New Jersey.

It's near Lodi off Route 46.

- I'll be waiting.
- Airfield?

You're going where?

Scranton, Pennsylvania? What for?

I'll be gone a couple of hours
if you want to join me.

Yeah, but what about
the Treasury Department?

Don't tell me not to get excited!
They're chasing me all over New Jersey!

Shel, you come with me to Scranton.

By the time you get back, this thing
will be resolved. Take my word for it.

JEAN: The hamburgers are getting cold!

Shel, the end is in sight, I assure you.

Now, take off.

McGraw Airfield, Route 46.

There are signs. Just follow 'em.

Right. Now come on, let's get goin'.

(speaking Cantonese)

(chattering in Cantonese)

(chattering continues)

Oh, that's wrong.

(Cantonese)

Ah.

(engine starts)

COPILOT: Uh-oh!

(Vince, copilot chattering in Cantonese)

VINCE: I got it now.

Okay.

Here we go.

(speaking Cantonese)

(inhaling, exhaling)

(Cantonese continues)

(continues)

(blowing)

(speaking Cantonese)
Mae West.

(Cantonese continues)

(speaks Cantonese)

Ah. (Cantonese)

The ocean?

It's over the ocean
to Scranton, Pennsylvania?

(Cantonese)

- Why are we flying over the ocean?
- Shel.

Uh, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

There's been a slight change
in our flight plan.

- We're not going to Scranton, Pennsylvania?
- We are going to Scranton, Pennsylvania.

But we want to make a quick stop
somewhere else first.

Where? Where do we have to stop?

- Tijada.
- What's Tijada?

It's a tiny island.
It's just south of Honduras.

Honduras?

That's right.
I think you'll find it quite fascinating.

(Vince speaks Cantonese)

(shouts)

Okeydoke.

♪♪ (humming)

Oh. (Cantonese)

Fettuccine Szechuan.
(Cantonese continues)

- Very lovely.
- Billy.

Uh, Billy. (Cantonese)

BILLY: Oh.

Isn't he a sweetheart?

You know, if Chiang Kai-shek had ever
made it back to the mainland,

Billy and Bing would have been
co-anchormen on the evening news in China.

That's how beloved they were.

You're furious at me, right?

The amazing thing is how grateful
you're gonna be to me

when this is all over.

I'm very serious.
From here on in, it's strictly routine.

We're out of the country.
We're home free.

From here on in, all that happens ‒
Shelly, you interested in this?

All that happens is that we're met at the airport
by Senator Jesus Braunschweiger.

He's a corrupt member
of the Tijadian legislature.

He checks out the engraving.

We go to the hotel, we wash up.
We have a couple of beers.

Late in the afternoon,
we go see General Garcia.

He's the head
of the Latin American syndicate.

We hand him the engravings.

He hands us 20 million bucks.
Bingo, we got him red-handed.

Then what happens,
another little shoot-out?

Shoot-out? No.

(chuckling)
You've seen too many movies, Shel.

(speaking Spanish)

(speaking Cantonese)

(speaking Cantonese)

What he said.

Jesus!

Vince!

- This guy's a crook?
- They're all crooks down here.

At least this one
don't make any bones about it.

- Welcome to Tijada!
- (gunshot)

- (gunshot)
- Hit the deck!

Is he dead?

If he's alive, he's putting on
a hell of an act, ain't he?

- (gunshot)
- Roll over!

(gunshot)

They're taking off without us!

- That's standard procedure.
- What?

- We gotta make a run for his car.
- We'll never make it.

We'll never make it lying here,
that's for goddamn sure. You ready?

- No.
- (gunshot)

- Now I'm ready.
- (gunshot)

- Serpentine!
- What?

- Serpentine!
- (gunfire continues)

(bullet ricochets)

Serpentine!

Jump!

(gunfire continues)

- Where the hell are the keys?
- Are you kidding me?

Out of the car.

- They must be in his pocket.
- I'll get 'em.

No! I'll get 'em.

I'd rather die running
than be left here alone.

Shel, you don't know what you're saying.

I can't take it anymore.

The idea of you out there dead and me all alone
back here with the smoke and the bullets.

- I can't take it.
- Are you ‒ Are you serious?

- I can't stay here.
- Okay, but remember, serpentine!

- Absolutely.
- What a guy.

(gunfire continues)

You're dead, right?

- Good.
- (gunshot)

(shouting in Spanish)

Serpentine, Shel. Serpentine!

(Spanish)

Ha! Ha!

(Spanish)

¡Basta! Basta, basta.

(speaks Spanish)

VINCE: Got a little time now, Shel.

Why don't you lie down,
grab yourself a nap?

- (dog barking)
- (donkey braying)

VINCE: Well, you can imagine
how I felt, General,

seeing him dead
on the runway like that.

No, I said, "Hello, Jesus,"
and he said, "Hello, Vince."

It came as a complete surprise.

I agree.
It must have been anarchists.

Hookers?

No, that's very kind of you, General,

but we're really anxious
to wrap this up and get home.

- Out, out! Get out! Out!
- (clucking)

VINCE: Shel.

As quickly as possible, General.

No, we'll take a cab.
We had a little trouble with the car.

The windows weren't functioning properly.
Isn't it always the case?

Right. Shel, where are you going, Shel?

Lobby. Look at a magazine.

All right. Stay close.
We'll be leaving soon.

Oh, good.

Now, exactly where
are you located, General?

501 United Fruit Boulevard,

via the General Garcia toll bridge.

Fine.

It's a very fitting monument to you, sir.

Yes, better than a statue.

Now, do you have the money?

Right.

Uh, no, General. It's ‒

It's 10 million in an attaché case.

Attaché.

And 10 million wrapped in two
small packages of five million each.

Perfect.

No, the Treasury Department
never knew what hit 'em.

(speaking Spanish)

(dog yapping)

Operator, uh, habla usted inglés?

Good. I need
the American Embassy, please.

It's urgent. I'm in great danger.

(horn honks)

(intercom buzzes)

Barry Lutz, Intelligence.
Can I help you?

Mr. Lutz, I may sound
a little bit incoherent,

but when you hear my situation,
I think you'll understand why.

My name is Kornpett.
I'm a DDS in the greater New York area.

I reside in New Jersey,

and I'm a normal and patriotic
American citizen.

Now, I'm in Tijada right now.
I'm in Tijada, yes.

I'm here with a man
who works for the CIA.

And the thing is, he's got me involved
in some scheme of his

concerning a general down here.

Well, my life has been in almost
constant jeopardy for 24 hours now.

I keep getting shot at,
and I-I can't handle it anymore.

His name is Vince Ricardo.

- What are you laughing about?
- (chuckling)

You're with Vince Ricardo?
How much insurance do you carry?

Oh, Christ, no.

No, not anymore.

He was thrown out of the agency
late last year on a mental.

A mental. You heard me right.

He's a wild man, that's why.

He'd go into very dangerous situations
without any rhyme or reason

and just improvise, you know?

Totally ass-backwards.

The worst thing was that we lost a half dozen
good men who had teamed with him.

Horrible, gruesome deaths too.

Yeah, real nightmare.

And you're with him right now,
is that right?

Yeah, he's got these engravings.

He says he's trying to crack
this international currency thing.

I don't know, it's not my kind of ‒

No, we're just related
by a pending marriage.

His son is marrying my daughter Sunday.

Thank you.

(chicken clucking)

Yeah, he's a little strange,
but I don't know,

there's also something lovable
about the guy.

Sure, he's lovable,
but he's completely out of his mind.

I could tell you stories.

Listen, listen.

Do yourself, do your family,
do me a favor.

Just stay the hell away from him.

Yeah. Sure.
Glad to be of service.

I thought you were getting a magazine.

Well, all they had was Hustler in Spanish.

"El Hustlero."

- You made a call.
- Yes, I did.

- You called the agency?
- Yes, I did.

And what did they say?

They said you were kicked out
of the agency because you were

A: dangerous and B: crazy.

- They really said that?
- Oh, yes.

(hooting, laughing)

You don't have a heart condition
or anything, do you, Shel?

- Get off of me.
- Listen to me.

You're a total stranger.
You called the agency.

- What do you think they're going to tell you?
- I don't know and I don't care.

You could be a foreign agent,
so they tell you that I'm washed up,

I'm out of the business, I'm nuts.

- Are you going to get off me?
- Not yet.

They did the hundred percent correct thing
telling you that I was nuts.

Do you understand that
it was simply a fabrication?

- If I say yes, will you get off me?
- If it's a sincere yes.

Then the answer is yes.

I believe it was simply a fabrication
to get me off the trail.

I knew you'd understand.

- Let's go.
- No way.

- What's this "no way"?
- No way is no way.

I'm off the case here.
I'm done with this nonsense.

Sheldon, now, I just explained to you
it was a fabricated ‒

No, you see, it makes no difference
if you're sane or if you're crazy

or if you're with the agency
or not with the agency.

It has no bearing on my life.
I hate all of this.

- From here on in, it's cut and dry.
- It's not cut, and it's not dry.

It is. We go to the general.
Drop off the engravings.

Sheldon.

Vince, if it's so cut and dry,
you don't need me, right?

Go in peace.
I'll take a commercial flight home.

If the Treasury Department is waiting for me,
I'll tell them what little I know.

Chances are they'll probably
just feel sorry for me.

But I will not be shot at any longer.
Is that clear?

Okay. Really.

I can understand
a person with your background,

it's difficult, it's not easy.

If you like,
I'll wait here at the hotel for you.

But no more running, no more shooting.

From here on in, I'm a bystander.

Okay.

When you're right, you're right.

Just don't go home without me.
Huh, Shel?

Geez, I couldn't take that kind of rejection.

We'll go home with Billy and Bing.
Have a few laughs, okay?

- You gonna be long?
- I'll be back within an hour.

Okay.

That's kind of you, Shel.
I really appreciate that.

- Taxi, señor?
- Sí.

501 United Fruit Boulevard.

Pronto.

Oh, God!

I can't.

Hey!

Vince!

Jesus Christ. What the hell was that?

(Spanish)

Imposible.

(whimpers)

(shouting in Spanish)

(screaming)

(horns honking)

(Spanish continues)

- Vince!
- Shelly!

Stop the car. It's Sheldon.

It's me up here, Vince.

- Can you stop the car?
- Maybe you're right, Sheldon.

- Vince?
- Maybe you're right.

Oh, boy.

(horn honks)

Nice work, Sheldon. Piece of cake.

Piece of cake, Sheldon.

- Vince, stop the car!
- I'm trying.

- (groans)
- You okay?

Yeah, I think so.

You can't blame me for this.
You volunteered.

- (groans)
- And a wonderful gesture it was.

(shouting in Spanish)

- (bystanders shouting)
- VINCE: Let's go.

Stay low, Sheldon. Stay low.

- (gunfire continues)
- (grunting)

Sheldon, come here.
Come here, Sheldon. Come on.

Grab him by his shoulders, Shel.
And pull.

- All right.
- Stay down, Shel. Stay down.

Stay low, Sheldon.

What a guy.

(woman screaming)

- Get in the cab, Shel.
- (glass shattering)

Shel? In the cab, Shel.

- That was a magnificent thing you did.
- It was instinct. I went crazy.

It was pure heroism.

And don't think I don't know
how deeply you feel about me, Shel.

It gives me such a warm feeling.

Okay, hang on.
This is gonna be a little rough.

Next time we're in Tijada, Shel,
don't let me forget.

They make a chicken sandwich here.
They serve it on a hard roll.

They heat it up with orange juice.
You know, grande, a big one.

Or pineapple juice.

And coffee. Do you take coffee, Shel?

Espresso with that beautiful foam.

Oh, Jesus, pigs.

(squealing)

(pig squealing)

Don't they squeal when they die?

No, the pig is alive, Shel.

You know, I'm such a great driver,

it's incomprehensible
that they took my license away.

(shouting in Spanish)

(horn honking)

Okay.

What are you doing?

(horn honking)

(tires squealing)

(shouting in Spanish)

Again?

(horn honking)

(gunfire)

Okay.

- (tires squeal)
- (horn honking)

SHELDON: Holy shit!

Now that was a little close, I admit it.
I cut it a little fine.

(shouting in Spanish)

VINCE: Coming through. Emergency.

Out of the way, please. Emergency.

- Jesus Christ! Oh, my God!
- Out of the way. Police emergency!

Coming through!

(horn honking)

Okay. Sometimes I'm so smart
I scare myself.

(shouts in Spanish)

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

I gotta give you credit, Vince.
You son of a gun, ya!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- What's the story on this guy?
- The general?

- Yeah.
- Very interesting gentleman.

Two things, Shel.
Don't say anything about his scar.

His scar?
What do you mean? What scar?

You'll see it, but don't see it.
You follow my drift?

The other thing, be sure
to compliment his art collection.

Vince, my good friend.

- My general.
- (laughing)

- Hmm.
- A "Z"?

- What?
- A "Z"?

Uh, General, I'd like you
to meet Dr. Sheldon Kornpett.

Uh, Sheldon has provided invaluable
assistance to the success of this mission.

Really? Dr. Kornpett.

Please, gentlemen, enter.

Oh!

(chuckles)

You noticed my friend, eh?

This is Señor Pepe.

(high-pitched voice)
Hello.

Señor Pepe, do you like this man?

Oh, sí, sí. Very much.

Uh, shall we invite these men to sit down?

Oh, sí, sí. Sí, sí.

Señor Pepe, would you like
to give this man a kiss?

Oh! Sí, sí, sí.

(loud kiss)
He's nice?

(high-pitched voice)
Very nice.

(kissing) He's nice?
(high-pitched voice) He's nice.

He very handsome.
(kissing)

All right, all right, that's enough.

General, that's a hell of an act.
You're a very gifted man.

Muchas gracias.

We go in.

- Jesus, he's a raving fruitcake.
- Don't underestimate him.

- The art.
- The art.

General, your art collection
never fails to take my breath away.

Oh, the toreador's wonderful.

Ah, I paid $50,000 for this.

- Jesus, what a schmuck.
- Shut up.

This, uh ‒ This tiger, I recently
purchased for only 25,000,

but I believe it is one of his best.

Note the plasticity,

the almost Renaissance use
of the perspective.

- Yes, he got the stripes almost perfectly.
- That's right, Shelly.

Notice the whiskers. My God, you could
almost reach out and touch 'em.

That's the tip-off
to a great work of art.

Not everybody appreciates genius.

- There are a lot of boors in the world.
- Ah, you can say that twice.

I commissioned this great man
to do a new flag for this country.

And it incites screaming.

Ah, I show you, hmm?

- VINCE: Ah.
- Now, this is a flag.

Ah, take your breath away.
Shel, can you believe that?

General, it's magnífico.

And is that Mrs. General there?

Oh.

No, no.

This is a girl from the village.
This is a prostitute.

If it was not for the church,

this flag would already today
be flying at the UN.

But no, they stand in the way.
They stand in the way!

- See? See?
- Ah, General.

You know, the world is full of reactionaries.
People with small minds.

(high-pitched voice, Spanish)
(normal voice) What's that? You are thirsty?

Sí. (speaks Spanish)

- (chuckles)
- Ah, he wants ‒ he wants cold water, Shel.

That's what that means.

All right?
Sí, sí. Sí, sí. Gracias.

Uh, General?

Sí. Down to business.

That's right, sir.
Do you have the money?

(bell rings)

These are the best security men
in the world.

They used to work
for JCPenney in Detroit.

You know, if I'm not mistaken,
I once bought a comb there.

- Hmm?
- As a matter of fact, I did, Shel.

Little pocket comb.

Ten million, exactamente.

And the other 10?

These are small enough?

They're fine. Perfect.

- Sheldon?
- What's that?

Five million bucks.
Just hang on to it.

Five million dollars?

Uh, General, it gives me
great pleasure to present ‒

Oh.

Beautiful.

Made by Uncle Sam
with his own greedy little fingers.

Oh, fantástico.

- Would you like to see?
- Oh, love to, General.

Shel, you too.
This is extremely educational.

- When are you gonna arrest this guy?
- Relax.

- Nobody is arresting nobody.
- Why not?

Just go with the flow, Shel.
Just go with the flow.

What flow? There isn't any flow.

These are engravings
from all over the world.

VINCE: This is unbelievable.
General, I'm very impressed.

Heat it up. We are ready.

- How much of this you gonna run off?
- 300 billion.

Oh, that'll do it.
That's more than enough.

- Sounds like plenty.
- It's a lot, huh?

It will bring the Western punks
to their knees.

Me and my good American friends.

- It's a wonderful thing, General.
- I don't know when I've felt so proud.

In 72 hours, the monetary system of the world
will collapse like a wet taco.

A very fine analogy, sir.

Blood will run in the streets of Zurich.

German bankers will just
throw themselves under the trolley.

Widows and orphans
will be left penniless.

- Sounds good to me.
- There will be panic.

There will be looting,
rioting in the streets and suicides.

Fabulous.

And you,
my dear, sweet American friends,

you were here right at the start.

Come.

We celebrate.

♪ I think that I shall never see ♪

♪ A poem lovely as a tree ♪

♪ A tree whose hungry mouth
is pressed ♪

♪ Against the earth's
sweet flowing breast ♪

♪ A tree that looks at God all day ♪

- ♪ And lifts her leafy arms to pray ♪
- ♪♪ (humming along)

- ♪ A tree that may in summer wear ♪
- This chicken is really sensational.

- Do you want to give out the recipe?
- No, no, it's all Tijada's secret.

The pollo must be marinated
for six weeks.

Well, it's very, very good.
You don't get this kind of stuff in New York.

Vince, you're not hungry?
You just pick?

(high-pitched voice)
Yes, yes, yes. He just pick.

Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.

It kills me, the way you do that.
It kills me.

He no like the food?

No, no. He no like the food.

No, no, the food is terrific.
It's just that my stomach is a little upset.

And I have to stay away
from all marinated birds.

- Did I just hear a doorbell?
- ♪♪ (ends)

Bravo. Bravo, bravo.

Excellent, excellent.
A new Red Army choir.

Gracias. Gracias. Vincent.

Oh, yes, extremely gifted.

♪ As I was walking down the street ♪

♪ Down the street, down the street ♪

And now, my friends, special surprise.

Please, follow me.

♪ Buffalo gals,
won't you come out tonight ♪

General, what's the traffic like
this time of day?

I gotta say I'm having a very good time.

This guy may be a dictator, but there's
something still very innocent about him.

Oh, yes, extremely innocent.
You know, I think my hearing is shot.

- Did you just hear a helicopter?
- Nope.

Vince! Vince!

Gentlemen, gentlemen, come!

♪ Come out tonight ♪

♪ Buffalo gals,
won't you come out tonight ♪

♪ And dance by the light of the moon? ♪♪

I would like to present you with the coveted
General Garcia Medal of Freedom.

Oh, General, how nice.

To my wonderful American friends.

- My brave American friends.
- (laughing)

May I share something with you?

I am a pacifist by nature

with a deep, Quaker belief
in the sanctity of human life.

I wish I had the choice but to kill you.

What'd he say?

- You heard right.
- Vaya con Dios.

¡Presenten armas!

Okay, what's our next move?

Move? No more moves. This is it.

- No kidding around. What do we do?
- This is it, Shel. That's all she wrote.

- Come on, Vince. What's the plan?
- I'm wide open.

- What do you got in mind?
- (snaps fingers)

¡Apunten!

- Can't we create some kind of diversion?
- Like what?

How the hell do I know?
You're the expert. Think of something.

- I'll give it a shot.
- ¡Apunten!

- General?
- ¿Sí?

May I interject for a moment, please?

- Sí.
- ¡Firmes!

General.

Spare this man.

This man, Sheldon Kornpett.

Shelly, I call him.

He's a great dentist from New York,

a city in which,
as you probably know, General,

there are thousands
of Spanish-speaking people

who stand in dire need
of extensive bridgework.

And this man's death, I'm afraid,

would be a crushing blow
to whatever small hopes they might have

for a healthier set of teeth and gums.

(shouting) That was it?
The dental thing? I'm a dead man!

But they will have
great memories of you.

¡Preparen armas!

This is it? My life is over.

Forty-three years.

I've only had four women,
two of them my wife.

- Once before and once afterwards.
- General.

Even in the army, I never fooled around.

General, I'm not one
to pat myself on the back,

but I could have told you
he was gonna blow sky high.

- He's simply not equipped, General.
- My father, that son of a bitch.

I never told him off.
And now he's dead.

General, could we have a sedative
for Shel here?

- This is not right.
- I have no drugs.

- An aspirin then?
- I have no aspirins.

- Only herbal teas.
- Fine, get the tea.

- There is no time for tea.
- (Sheldon muttering)

General, I insist on
at least a blindfold for Shel here.

I have no blindfolds, señor.
This is a poor country, please.

I really hate to be
a pain in the ass about this.

- Don't care if I live or die!
- But the Geneva Convention stipulates ‒

- I've always loved this country.
- that firing squad victims ‒

and I'm afraid we fall into that category ‒

are required to be given
the option of a blindfold.

- Otherwise, you can be reported.
- Who is going to report me?

Your ghost?
Is your ghost going to report me?

- (muttering)
- (laughing)

General, I insist on at least
a blindfold for Shel here.

Come on, be a man!
Please be a man!

I have to shoot you now
and go and do my business.

Stand up straight, be a man.

I hate to go through this thing
without at least the option of a blindfold.

- Ho! Bandanas!
- Gracias, señor.

Sí, sí. Hey, Vince,
you won't forget I did this, eh?

- And we're supposed to have cigarettes.
- Cigarettes?

SHELDON: If you know my heart,
as you say you do.

But it's been simple negligence.
It hasn't been disbelief.

- Gracias.
- Oh, oh, what was that?

That was a cigarette!

- I don't smoke. (laughing)
- This isn't lit, General.

¡Apunten!

(laughing loudly)

- My cigarette ‒
- (gunfire)

Ooh! Ooh! Am I shot? Am I shot?

(gunfire continues)

- Get down!
- What?

- Shel, get down.
- I can't hear you.

Can you get down?

- Get down! Are you down?
- Yes!

Miguel!

¡Rápido!¡Rápido!

(gunfire continues)

- VINCE: Can you move?
- Yeah, I can try.

- Are ya moving?
- Yeah.

Keep moving.

(shouting)

(gunfire continues)

(men chattering)

- Vince?
- Barry?

- You can get up. It's all over.
- Shel, we can get up now.

Where the hell were you, Barry?
We almost croaked here.

- Oh, the traffic was brutal.
- You knew he was coming?

- You Shelly Kornpett?
- Yeah.

- Barry Lutz.
- Oh, yeah.

- The guy I talked to on the telephone.
- I'm sorry to give you the runaround.

But I'm sure you understand now.
Vince, where are the engravings?

Well, he's got a vault
behind the tiger painting.

You know we almost got killed here?

Wait a minute. You made all that up
about him on the phone?

We really had to keep you in the dark, Shelly.
Vince, the money?

It's over here. The whole schmear.

- And we got another 10 ‒
- And it's in thousands.

- Stacks of 50.
- Yeah, and there's more. We got ‒

Yeah, a lot more, a lot more to the story
than we can tell you now, Barry.

- Beautiful.
- There is another 10 million.

- I give him 20, not 10!
- Of course you did.

This bandido has another 10!
¡Ladrones!

- Come on, get him the hell out of here.
- ¡Ladrón! ¡Bandido¡ ¡Cabrón!

- ¡Bandido!¡Cabrón!
- Guys, you did fantastic work.

- Relieved?
- Oh, yes.

- Great feeling, ain't it?
- Yes, it is.

We'd love to stand around and schmooze,
Barr, but we got a big day tomorrow.

- Our kids are getting married.
- Well, I couldn't be happier for both of you.

Uh, guess I won't see you
till Wednesday.

- Wednesday?
- Next Wednesday?

- We have a date in Peru.
- Uh ‒

I don't think so, Barry.

Sorry to run, but we gotta catch a plane.

Hey, wait a minute!

Vince!

What do you mean?
You're quitting the agency?

I've had it, Barry.
My kid's getting married tomorrow.

There's gonna be grandchildren.

I'm tired. It's over.

So take a desk job.

Nah, that's not for me.

I'll tell ya something else.
I don't believe in this crap anymore.

I mean, it used to be
like cowboys and Indians.

Now?

I almost died
for the international monetary system.

- I mean, what the hell is that?
- The family took a vote.

We want him out of this.

(engine starts)

You can make it on your pension?

I'll give it a shot.

(both laughing)

(laughing continues)

(laughing grows louder)

(laughing hysterically)

(crowd chattering)

Mom, we cannot wait any longer.
What's with them?

They called from the airport
two hours ago.

I know.

Well, you look so pretty.

What did Dad pull this time?

Tommy, why do you always assume
it's your father's fault?

Oh, of course it's his fault.

Man.

- I'll never forgive him.
- Carol, what do you think we should do?

- I don't know.
- Let's get going.

- Maybe they'll make it for lunch.
- Oh, it's such a shame.

- What'd you say?
- I said it's such a shame.

(helicopter whirring)

Holy shit.

(applause)

SHELDON: Oh! (chuckles) Made it.

(laughing)
Sorry we're late, folks.

VINCE: What a day.
What a guy. What an entrance.

- Off we go, Shel.
- Hey, Vince!

I didn't think you were gonna make it.

VINCE: How are the hors d'oeuvres?

Okay, let's do it!

- Thanks for waiting.
- Shelly.

- Mwah!
- Two days we were crazy.

Everything's terrific.
Ooh, you look wonderful.

- BARBARA: You okay?
- SHELDON: Yeah, I'm great.

- You'll never know how great.
- Oh, honey, we have to start.

Just give the orchestra
five minutes to tune up.

Orchestra?
Sylvia Jacobs is playing the piano.

- No, no, we have an orchestra.
- Dad, will you please be serious?

I'm serious. We have Carmen Dragon
and the Paramus Philharmonic.

- Shelly.
- Listen.

(orchestra tuning up)

Oh, my God!
(giggling)

- Tom?
- Dad.

Dad, where the hell have you been?

Well, you're really a man now, Tom.

Remember how we used to play ball
together on Nagle Avenue?

We never played ball together
on Nagle Avenue.

We talked about
playing ball together, but ‒

Well, maybe this will make it up to you.

This is from Shelly and me.

Barbara got one too.

- Dad, this is a million dollars.
- Yeah, it's not enough? I'll give you more.

I finally impressed my son.

- Dad, is this all from root canals?
- Well, that and the lectures.

Daddy.

(tapping music stand)

♪♪ ("The Bridal Chorus")

Oh, God. Oh, my God. I knew it.
I could feel it coming.

- This is it, Vince. This is it.
- Let me do the talking.

Hey, Barr!

What a nice surprise.

I didn't think you'd be all
that delighted to see me, Vince.

Frankly, I'm just shocked
and disappointed.

- Barry, it's very simple.
- It's simple.

- We counted wrong, Barr.
- Dad ‒

- Why don't you go wait in the house?
- I'd like your daughter to be here, Sheldon.

- What is this about?
- What is this about?

Your father-in-law and I worked for nearly
10 years, laying our lives on the line together.

- What does he do to me now?
- Barry, will you listen to me?

It was so simple.
We made a mistake in the counting ‒

He doesn't even invite me
to his own son's wedding.

In the counting of the invitations.

We got mixed up.

I remember Vince saying
he wanted to invite you.

You know how it is, Barry.

You got a family and all,
and uncles and aunts and cousins.

Get out of here. Can't you tell
when I'm ribbing you, Vince?

Here's a little something
from the boys at the agency.

- Fifty dollar savings bond.
- Oh!

- Isn't that nice!
- I'll just put it right here for safekeeping.

- Well, let's have a seat.
- Well, why don't we, uh ‒

Hey! Hey!
(shouting in Cantonese)