Original subtitles

LAINEY: Back in the '90s, there was no teacher

who looked out more for the students of William Penn than Coach Mellor.

Even outside of gym class,

he was always there to lend a helping hand.

And he was constantly pushing them to eat healthier

and fuel their brains for learning.

Yep, it was safe to say Coach loved helping every kid at school.

Oh, I totally forgot.

I have to get to the DMV right after school,

but Toby has Chess Club.

Don't worry. Your knight will move young Toby to Castle Julie.

Another problem checkmated by "Rook" Mellor.

I love you,

but sometimes I wish you'd talk normally.

LAINEY: Yep, he and Toby were spending more and more time together,

and their relationship was blossoming.

Jeff Gordon hugs the corner!

Crew Chief Toby, what's my next move?

Uh, drive really fast!

Takin' her up to 35, baby!

(TIRES SQUEAL)

Eat my dust, power walkers!

And Coach even lent his style of help with homework.

As the Confederates blitzed from both sides,

the Union Army rushed up the middle.

And just when you thought they'd fumble at Gettysburg... Boom!

The Union scooped up the loose ball and took it to the house!

Appomattox Courthouse.

Suck it, Robert E. Lee!

It was clear Coach was becoming more than just a coach to Toby,

and Julie was thrilled.

Until one day, something happened at school that changed everything.

Okay, today we finish Macbeth.

It is the big final fight

between our protagonist and Macduff.

The crime dog?

That is McGruff.

But we're gonna take a bite out of Shakespeare

with the help from our young thespians,

Toby and Hunter!

Just like we rehearsed, guys. Here we go.

"Of all men else I have avoided thee.

"But get thee back!

"My soul is too much charged with blood of thine already!"

Oh, snap!

I know. Shakespeare gets me going, too.

What the hell's going on here? Inspiring my students, Rick.

To beat the crap out of each other? Oh...

Hey! This is not what we rehearsed! Aah!

* One of these days, you're gonna get outta here

* Live your life and finally be free

* Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do

* Someday, you will say "Those were the days" *

LAINEY: It was March 18th, 1990-something,

and I was feeling overwhelmed

by everything I had to do for the music department.

Hi.

Look at this schedule.

It's jam-packed with classes.

Leading jazz band. Quakers Dozen.

And our musicals have been so successful,

Glascott wants us to do two this year.

Oh, please tell me one of them is... And no, neither of them are...

BOTH: ...You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

Darn! You gotta stop asking, buddy.

Fine. For now.

God, how did this happen?

When I started here, all I taught was Music One and Intro to the Recorder.

Well, it happened 'cause of you.

Since you started, you've inspired so many kids to love music

that everyone wants to get involved.

I mean, look at you. You are a rock star.

Maybe in my younger days.

Once a rock star, always a rock star.

Well, we did open for Terence Trent D'Arby once.

Oh! TTD!

Maybe I can move Show Choir rehearsal to later in the day.

Or you could ask one of us to cover for you until you get there.

Great idea. So, can I count on you tomorrow?

Can't. I got a podiatrist appointment.

I've got this one toe... I don't know what's going on,

but flip-flops are a no-can-do.

Uh-huh.

**

Hey, Wilma. You got a minute?

Now that I got all these chemicals cooking here,

I have exactly that.

Anything longer, you're gonna wanna wear a mask.

So, as you know, I've been working really hard

to expand the music program.

So proud of you. Fifty seconds left.

Well, the music department's become really busy,

and I've got a lot on my plate,

so can you cover the first half of Show Choir this week?

It's super easy.

It's mostly just kids in sequin vests singing soft rock hits

while awkwardly stepping from side-to-side.

Sometimes snapping gently.

I do love snapping. Fifteen seconds.

I know you're super busy, too...

I am. Ten seconds. But don't worry. I got you.

Thank you! You're such a good friend.

I know. Three. Two.

Oh, (BLEEP)! You're serious!

As I was racing out of Wilma's class,

Julie and Coach were in the midst

of some urgent business of their own.

I can't believe Toby got in a fight.

The other kid had to have started it.

Hunter has been known to be somewhat of a bully.

Please don't tell him I said that.

CB was definitely playing with fire when he handed him this.

It's a novelty sword from the Medieval Times dinner theater.

Jousting, fair maidens, a nice piece of meat.

It's a good value.

That's what I hear. I've been meaning to check it out.

You will not be disappointed.

Hey, if you get a sword, I have a sword. We could actually have...

Can we get back to Toby? Sure. Sure.

I'm glad he's okay, but what are we gonna do about this?

Maybe we should talk to Hunter's mom.

Oh, no. That woman is meaner than her son.

Please don't tell her I said that.

The solution is clear.

Toby needs to learn how to defend himself,

and I would be happy to teach him.

No, Rick, that is not the solution.

Well, of course it is.

This way, the next time he gets picked on,

he can strike back like a cobra with lightning-quick fists.

Well, cobras don't have fists, Rick.

They don't need them, John. They're nature's fist.

Okay, enough. I am firmly against fighting.

I want Toby to be raised

as a man of peace and non-violence.

Well, as the proud principal

of a school founded by pacifists,

I have to say... Up top.

He can stay peaceful

while still learning the fundamentals of kicking ass.

I said no.

John, I want Toby moved

to a less aggressive English class.

I don't know. They're all pretty rough.

You can't do that.

Because then he'll be the boy whose aunt saved him.

He'll get picked on even more.

As Toby's legal guardian, that's my decision.

Because whatever happens to Toby is on me.

Hey, I care about him, too.

We've really connected.

We both hate snow pants and mushrooms.

He's my guy!

Rick, I'm sorry, but I have to go with the wishes

of the legal guardian.

I will move Toby to another class, okay?

Now, if you two will excuse me,

I'd like for you to leave so that I can play with this sword.

LAINEY: Julie told Mellor not to teach Toby about fighting,

but, like always, he just couldn't help himself.

MELLOR: All right, listen up!

I know we're supposed to start our kickball unit today,

but Coach has called an audible,

and today we'll be diving into Taekwondo.

A powerful discipline of Korean martial arts

first perfected by masters Jong Chang and Cha Kyo Han.

And then, of course, made famous by Chuck Norris.

Walker, Texas Ranger?

Eh, he's more than that, Ed. He's America's Ranger.

But, Coach, Aunt Julie says I'm not supposed to fight.

And you're not.

You're simply partaking in a mandatory gym class,

which today, randomly, happens to be Taekwondo.

Now, first, we will be learning

how to obliterate our opponent's rib cage,

which we will simulate with this particle board

that I borrowed from the art department.

Do not tell Mr. Granger.

Okay. I need a volunteer.

Toby!

He didn't even raise his hand!

Ah, yes, but as Master Chang once said,

the humble lotus blossom that asks not for the rain

is the first one to receive...

The big drop.

Get up here.

Okay, Toby.

You're gonna aim for a spot past the board.

All right, now focus.

And strike!

Hi-yah! (THUD)

Aah! Aah! Oh, my...

You hurt your hand on this?

It's basically a step above a giant Nilla Wafer.

Oh, my pinkie's puffing up.

I better go see Aunt Julie in the nurse's office.

No! You can't. Uh...

Because one of the first principles of Taekwondo

is we heal ourselves without any outside help.

But it hurts!

We just need to find something to...

Immobilize it and...hide it.

Perfect! Better.

This might actually work.

Ah, of course it'll work.

As Master Chang said, "A true warrior keeps his pain hidden...

"From his...aunt."

LAINEY: Marching band was over for the day,

so I was racing back to my room to relieve Wilma.

* And so, I wake in the morning and I step outside

Thank you for covering for me.

Oh, no problem. I enjoyed it.

* And I scream from the top of my lungs

* What's going on?

Whoo! Sing it, mama! Sing it proud!

* And I say (VOICE CRACKS) hey... *

Oh. That's okay, Jessica.

You're, um, trying to belt,

but you're flipping up into your head voice.

Here, let me show you.

* And I say (VOICE CRACKS) hey...

(CLEARS THROAT)

You know, I ate popcorn yesterday,

and I think I got a little... Kernel stuck in there.

Here we go.

* And I say (VOICE CRACKS) hey...

Nope.

* And I say (VOICE CRACKS) hey...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, I think the problem is I'm just not warmed up yet.

I can show her. Here. It's like this.

* And I say hey, yeah, yeah

* Hey, yeah, yeah

* I said hey

* What's going on? *

Wow!

Uh, I'm sorry.

Is Linda Perry from 4 Non Blondes in the building?

Ms. Howell, that was awesome!

Do you take requests?

I have one... Sing and don't ever stop singing. Seriously.

All right. Wilma needs to get going.

You guys are so nice to make her feel good.

Not as good as she made us feel.

Yeah. She's definitely the best singer in the school.

Oh. Like you've heard everyone sing, Becky?

Why are you even a science teacher?

You should totally be a famous singer.

I think it's safe to say

that we're all better people for having witnessed that.

LAINEY: And just like that,

Wilma was suddenly the rock star of the school.

**

If you're asking me for a catch,

I've been waiting for this day.

I can't believe you went behind my back and taught him karate.

It's Taekwondo.

Completely different country. Try to be sensitive.

You know what this does, Rick?

It makes me lose trust in you.

I was only trying to teach Toby how to defend himself in a fight.

And I don't want Toby to ever get in a fight.

What are you gonna do... Roll him up in bubble wrap

and keep him locked in his room like some

tiny, short-haired boy Rapunzel?

And what are you gonna do?

Throw him into a cage match

and let him fight to the death?

Well, first, I'd have him watch Bloodsport.

Not some Norris vehicle.

Jean-Claude Van Damme at his finest.

Rick, stop trying to get Toby killed.

I only had him punch through some art supplies!

Stop being so overprotective!

Which is what I told you not to do.

Stop being so under-protective!

Overprotective! Under-protective!

Over! Under!

Hey, guys, I hope I'm not interrupting,

but Medieval Times has one table left for Saturday night.

Are you in?

Ugh!

I'm gonna put you down for a maybe...

Yeah?

LAINEY: I wasn't feeling like the rock star I thought I was,

so I was going to do what anybody

who's threatened by another band member would do...

Kick her ass out.

Hey. Thanks again for covering Show Choir.

Oh, no problem. I had a blast.

I'm actually looking forward to doing it again.

You know, I can manage.

You can go back to your true passion... Science.

Rubber gloves and goggles and long white coats.

So, your knowledge of science is mostly wardrobe-based.

That's correct. But I thought you said you needed me

to help cover Show Choir all week.

Nope. I shifted some stuff around.

I am good, good, good.

Cool. I look forward to seeing the show.

Okay, perfect.

There's nothing I would love more

than seeing you sitting quietly in that audience.

With Wilma out of my spotlight,

I got someone else to cover my class

who I knew could never outshine me.

(VOCALIZING)

Right, guys?

(VOCALIZING CONTINUES)

Oh, hey, Lainey. Oh, hi!

I thought you didn't need anyone to cover Show Choir.

You said you were good, good, good.

See, I was good

because the thing I thought I had, I didn't have,

but then the thing I thought I didn't have...

(CHUCKLES) turns out, I had that thing.

Lainey, what's going on? Did I do something wrong?

Now that you mention it, I-I didn't want to bring this up,

but I was getting a vibe from the kids.

It's Ms. Howell! Look, everybody! Ms. Howell's here!

She sure is! (CHUCKLES)

And Ms. Lewis.

Please, come in. Yeah!

Wait, does this mean we can finally stop watching CB do "the worm"?

No offense.

(CHUCKLES) None taken.

Hey, Ms. Howell, we all decided

since you crushed that 4 Non Blondes song,

you should do it with us in the recital.

BOTH: Really? What do you think, Ms. Lewis?

I think... (EXHALES SHARPLY)

What choice do I have? (CHUCKLES)

I was gonna have to get used to having Wilma in Show Choir,

and Coach Mellor realized he had an intruder in his world.

Get a deep stretch, people!

A tight hamstring is the devil's delight.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm Toby's legal guardian,

and as such, I am here to guard him, legally.

Well, you should know that legal guardians and parents

are strictly forbidden from entering the classroom.

Might want to check the school handbook.

It's called the "Beverly Goldberg Schmoopie-pie" rule.

I see. Well, in that case,

I'm here as Nurse Julie on official school business.

Oh-ho-ho, you crafty minx.

And the school handbook also states

that the nurse has, quote, "the authority to approve

"any and all activities following a P.E. injury."

Julie, he's a boy. He's gonna get banged up.

By the time I was his age, I'd broken seven bones,

I had to have two fingers reattached,

and I'd taken more shots to the head than I can remember,

and I'm fine.

And I'd taken more shots to the head than I can remember,

and I'm fine.

Go ahead and teach your class, Rick.

Just remember that you need Nurse Julie's approval

each and every time you'd like Toby to take physical action.

Do I? In that case, approval shall be sought.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

All right! Bleacher runs!

Ready, set, go!

Except for Toby.

Nurse Julie, may Toby run up the first step?

Seriously? You said I need express permission.

Fine. Yes. Go ahead.

Stop, Toby.

Nurse Julie, may Toby ascend to the next step?

Cleared for all steps. Thank you.

Nurse Julie, is Toby medically approved to pull up?

Yes. (GRUNTS)

Hold tight there, Tobe-ster.

Nurse Julie, permission to pull down?

This is getting ridiculous.

Can I come down now?

Well, you could if it was up to me, but unfortunately...

Come down, Toby.

(GRUNTS)

Whoa!

Nurse Julie, can Toby have a sip of water?

Word of warning, he may drown.

**

Stop being such a jerk, Rick.

You're the one who came here drunk with nurse power.

Because you ignored my wishes for Toby.

Well, that doesn't mean you have to treat me like I'm a danger to the boy.

Okay, that's enough.

Ed Morris just came into my office

and said you were having a lovers' quarrel.

Do you think I enjoy hearing Ed Morris say "lovers' quarrel"?

I do not.

My office, right now.

LAINEY: Glascott wanted to put an end to their arguing.

Meanwhile, my first choir rehearsal with Wilma was about to start.

Okay, let's go from the pre-chorus.

One, two, three...

(GUITAR PLAYS) * And so, I wake in the morning and I step outside

* And I take a deep breath and I get real high and I

* Scream from the top of my lungs

* What's going on?

* And I say hey, yeah, yeah

(GUITAR VOLUME INCREASES)

(GUITAR DROWNS OUT WILMA) * Hey, yeah, yeah

* I say... *

Stop. Hey. (GUITAR STOPS)

That got real loud right there.

Oh, did it?

Oh, my God. Sorry.

(CHUCKLES) I must have hit it by accident.

Let's go again, Wilma.

Okay.

* And I say

(GUITAR PLAYS) * Hey, yeah, yeah

(TEMPO QUICKENS)

* Hey, yeah, yeah

* I said hey *

U-Uh, Lainey? (GUITAR STOPS)

Why are you speeding up like that?

Oh. Uh, I thought you could keep up.

(CHUCKLES) Let's try it again. Sorry.

* And I say

(GUITAR PLAYS) * Hey, yeah, yeah

(GUITAR PLAYS IN HIGH PITCH)

(HIGH-PITCHED) * Hey, yeah, yeah

(HIGHER-PITCHED) * I said hey

Ugh!

(HIGHER-PITCHED) * What's going on? *

What is going on, Lainey?

(SCOFFS) I'm just trying to jam, man.

Can we please have a creative meeting in the hallway?

Okay, seriously, what's your problem?

Singing is supposed to be my thing.

What? You already have science,

but now you had to go and take my thing, too!

I wasn't trying to take your thing.

You don't own singing.

But I do here.

Until your dumb, beautiful voice stole my thunder.

So, now you own thunder, too?

I could own thunder. You don't know.

Look, I don't have time for this.

I was just trying to help out a friend,

but if you're gonna act like a child, I am more than happy

to take my dumb, beautiful voice and go home.

LAINEY: I had only created more friction with Wilma.

Meanwhile, Glascott was trying to solve Mellor and Julie's conflict.

Okay, guys, we gotta figure this out.

I can't have you fighting in front of the students.

Yeah, no fighting. Julie won't allow it.

Get bent, Rambo.

It's obvious your situation is made more stressful

because you two play too many roles...

Coach, nurse,

aunt, man-dating-aunt,

legal guardian, man-dating-legal-guardian.

It's a lot.

And like my poster so eloquently states,

"It's hard to wear a lot of hats."

MELLOR: That says, "Hang in there!"

Damn it! That's supposed to be a poster of a man

trying to balance a bunch of hats on his head.

It was perfect for this situation.

(CLICK) Martha.

Please stop coming into my office and changing my posters.

I'm sorry. What is your point, John?

What I'm saying is I wear a lot of hats, too.

Principal, friend, counselor.

And all of my hats would like to help all of your hats.

Well, as my principal, can you tell the nurse to stop treating Toby

like a china doll with bird bones?

And as my friend, can you tell my boyfriend

to stop trying to turn Toby into a mini Steven Seagal?

Look, guys, what I'm hearing is

that you both want what's best for Toby.

Yes. Of course.

That's what I thought.

By helping him to prepare... By trying to keep him safe...

...for all the challenges he'll face in life.

...from all the dangers he'll face in life.

You know, I hear arguments like this all the time.

When I'm dealing with parents. Parents?

Parents with very different opinions

on how a child should be raised.

Well, the P-word doesn't really apply to me,

since Julie's made it very clear

that she's the parent and I'm not.

Rick, you act like you're completely shut out.

You're totally involved in Toby's life.

Sure. Driving him around, making his lunch,

helping him with his homework.

I'm basically a super-jacked nanny,

and it seems to me that's all I'll ever be.

**

I'm sorry, Julie. I don't know what to say.

But maybe that poster does.

Seems Martha knew exactly what belonged on my wall.

LAINEY: It had been a day since I snapped on Wilma,

and I needed some alone time.

But CB wasn't gonna let me have it.

Hi, Lainey. Hey.

He could tell something was wrong,

so he tried to cheer me up

by showing off some of those breakdancing skills

he had been bragging about.

Despite my lack of enthusiasm, he just kept on trying.

**

Oh, come on, Lainey.

That was my money move right there.

I'm sorry. I'm just kind of having the worst day ever.

That's intense. What's wrong?

Wilma's a better singer than me.

That's the worst day ever?

You don't get it. I'm the one who had a band.

I'm the one who once opened for Terence Trent D'Arby.

I should be the best.

Look, just 'cause Wilma's a great singer

doesn't make you any less of a great singer.

I know, but she's so good. It's like...

Okay, seems like you have two choices right here.

You can either be jealous or petty...

Oh. Well, I guess I'd go with jealous.

No, that wasn't the choice.

Those were both in the first choice. What's the second choice?

You can get over all this stuff,

apologize to Wilma, and continue with your great friendship.

Thanks, CB. No problem.

**

Wow. Polishing your whistles.

You must really be mad at me.

Yeah, well, polishing them does soothe me.

In a way, these whistles are

the only children I'll ever have, so...

Rick, come on.

I don't understand why you're shutting me out of Toby's life.

I'm not trying to shut you out.

It's just that this whole parenting thing

is new and overwhelming for me,

and I am constantly scared that I'm gonna screw it up.

Are you kidding me?

Julie, you're an amazing mom.

Toby is so lucky to have you.

(VOICE BREAKING) Thank you.

And you don't have to do this alone.

I...just didn't realize that you wanted to be

such an active part of Toby's life.

Why wouldn't I want that?

I told you, he's my guy.

I just wasn't sure that that's a commitment

that you wanted to take on.

Well, it is.

It's all part of us.

But I should have respected your boundaries and not done what I did.

I know that you were just doing

what you thought was best for Toby.

Of course. That's all I'll ever do,

and I know that's all you'd ever do.

I think we just need to do a better job of communicating

so we can do it together.

I'd like that.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

TOBY: Hey, guys.

So, um...

Some kids just invited me to ride ATVs with them. Can I go?

ATVs?

No, those things are very dangerous. You could...

What do you think, Rick?

Well, Toblerone, that sounds super fun.

But I have an idea that's even more fun

and not nearly as deadly.

Ooh! I like the sounds of that.

LAINEY: Like that, Coach and Julie

had come to an understanding.

But as for me, I still owed someone an apology.

Hey.

Look.

I'm so sorry. For everything.

That's a start.

The truth is...

I was jealous of you.

That's a gimme. No credit for that.

It's just that being the rock star is a big part of who I am,

and then when you just swooped in...

(CLEARS THROAT) Sorry.

When I asked for your help,

which you so kindly provided...

Back on track.

You did it so effortlessly,

and I just felt totally insecure.

I mean, I'm the music teacher. That's my area.

But I shouldn't have taken it out on you.

Lainey, you have nothing to feel insecure about.

It took me six years of college to become a teacher,

and from what I hear,

you just walked in with barely any training

to be one of the best teachers here at this school.

Thank you, Wilma.

And I get the jealousy thing.

I mean, I don't know how I'd react

if you came in here and solved the Quantum Theory of Gravity.

Yeah, I don't think we have to worry about that.

(CHUCKLES)

* And I say hey, yeah, yeah

LAINEY: Letting your guard down and admitting your insecurities

can be scary.

You often worry what people will think of you.

* What's going on?

LAINEY: But if you're honest and open with the ones you love most,

you'll find that they offer more support

than you could have ever imagined.

Give it up for the head of William Penn's music department,

Lainey Lewis!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Come on, rock star! You take it!

**

* And I say hey, yeah, yeah

LAINEY: And suddenly, the hardest things in life don't seem so scary,

because you've got a great partner by your side

to help you get through it all.

Jeff Gordon takes the lead!

Crew Chief Mellor, what's my next move?

Floor it! And do it now 'cause the battery's about to die!

Yeah, baby!

* Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah

* Hey, yeah, yeah

* I said hey

* Scream from the top of my lungs

* What's going on? *

**

Toby, why are your eyes closed?

I'm making it more fun.

Not that fun! Open one of them! Come on!

Bus! Bus!

Bus!

Thanks for lunch, Coach.

No problem. Now we know this bucket'll fit in the drive-thru.

(CHUCKLES)

I want you to know that you can push through any boundary.

I think today, you've proved that you will.

**

I never really had a dad, Toby.

My old man was always traveling.

I remember one time, he ca...

Toby?

Toby! Toby!

Sorry, Coach!

Don't worry, Coach! I'll catch up!

**