Original subtitles

Just come, Nick. Why not?

Angie and I are not romantic weekend types.

Sounds like you need some fresh air in a cabin

[blows raspberry]You're dating a stripper.

I'm dating a tall, handsome doctor.

We're both kind of living the dream.

We're not "dating."

What Angie and I have together

is pure anarchy

in like, a sexy, cool way.

Oh, yeah?Look at what she did while I was sleeping.

Look at how cool that is.

She doodled on your armpit?

It's not a doodle, it's a tat.Of poodle hair?

It's not poodle hair. It's like the, uh...

Anyway, no to the cabin.

All right.And why do you want us to come

on your romantic weekend anyhow?

I thought it was just supposed to be you and the doctor.

Okay, I'm a little nervous.

I just need backup.

I want this weekend to be fun

and perfect

and lovely, and I want him to look at me at the end and go,

"Jess, that was the best weekend I ever had."

I'm glad you're keeping your expectations at a reasonable level.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Roast marshmallows, Yeah.

make a fire, Oh, yeah.

and sleep on a bear rug.

You in? Ooh, no.

Jess, I'm sorry. We're not going

this weekend.All right.

But it's free.

You say free? Yep.

Yeah, we're 100% in.

I'll go pack now. Okay.

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.

[whistles]

Oh, wait, wait, wait, keep this in mind, right?

Now, I have a spatula in my hand the entire time,

and I'm looking her directly in the eye, and I say,

"You're damn right I want some cake."

[laughter]Kind of weird.

Hey, what's up? Guys, this is Schmidt.

SCHMIDT: Hey.

Ready to go?

Yeah, no, let's do it.

It's nice meeting you all.

Hey, uh, Winston,

who are those guys?

I don't know, I just met them on the way to the bathroom.

But you were so light and charming.

You were like Pixar Winston.

Yeah, we were just chilling, man,

just having a conversation.

We can stay, if you want.

No, Schmidt, I don't want to stay.

I want to eat.

Come on, man.

White Nick, brown Cece.

I'd like to have a frank discussion about race.

[groans]Do you think that we're

allowing Winston to be his blackest self?

I'm not gonna do this.Okay, make sure Jess gets these, okay?

Guys, please, I'm being serious.

Okay, Schmidty,

I know that you're being serious,

but look, Winston has been black his entire life.

I think he knows how to handle it.

We were out the other night for drinks,

and well, he encountered some members of his own,

and you should have seen the way that he lit up.

I mean, he was like a glow stick.

This is terrible.Whatever you were gonna do, please do not.

Just don't do it.I want to create

an environment within this loft where Winston feels free,

where the gates are open. Let's let Winston

turn on his-his black switch

and let his black light shine.

JESS: This is perfect.

Yes, it is a weekend in the woods.

I'm just glad that we get to spend some time together.

Yeah.

Hey.

Yeah!

Oh, look, it's Jackie O.

Me? All right, thanks.Yeah, you.

Sorry we're late. I had to stop and buy this bitch-ass a helmet.

because he wouldn't stop being a bitch-ass.

The helmet we got at a rest stop,

the shades are mine.

[laughter]Yeah.

Free cabin! Whoo!

It's actually my boss's cabin.

That's great! Whoo!Yeah! USA, USA!

Indian food, dinner? You down?

I thought maybe we'd eat at a place

where you wanted to eat at tonight, Winston.

As a strong black man.

What? What are you talking about?

Hey, man, I get it.

There are just some nights where I'm dying

for my zadie's egg salad,

pastrami piled a mile high,

some matzo, kreplach...

Let's eat some soul food.

Schmidt, I want Indian, southern Indian.

Also, I got you something.

Jah rastafari.Take this damn thing off my head.

Okay, I'm sorry. You're right.

Forget the hat. Just, I made a mistake.

I just...

[sighs]

Winston, tonight is about you.

I want to be the black friend that you never had.

I have black friends, Schmidt.

I want you to feel supported.

I want you to be able to do

the things that you don't feel like I understand.

Okay. So that means you're gonna do

whatever I say? I mean, as long as it's gangster.

Or not. It doesn't have to be gangster.Well, Schmidt,

I want to say thank you for allowing me to be me

and I look forward to sharing

my people's culture with you tonight.

I've never played sexy Boggle before.

I'm gonna get into that later.

Ow-ooh!

Oops. Okay.

Hey, guys.

Sorry, we were just unpacking.

We could hear very clearly. Very clearly.

Hey, you got a high-pitched scream, man.

Yeah, I do.

So, you guys, we are playing best of 35,

um, 'cause I thought you guys

were gonna hang out with us.

Oh. SAM: Oh, Angie,

this is my boss's cabin.

[yelling]

Oh! This is it!

Where were these when we were having sex?

That's how I feel. What?

Let's go shoot things.Yeah.

Okay.Not scared.

Just be careful, please.Good, yep.

[outside, yelling happily][muffled]: Yeah!

All right, well... [clears throat]

That's all right. Sam, are you having fun?

'Cause I really, really want you to have fun.

Course I am. I'm here with you. Good.

You know? Okay, good.

[gunshot]Drink hot cocoa.

It's not much fun

without someone firing back.

You're amazing!

ANGIE: Wow!

That is not safe.

[gunfire continues]That is really reckless.

You want to shoot guns, don't you?

[gunfire continues]

Go on.

Guys, guys! Save a bullet!

Could be a little bit closer.

Got to be kidding me.

How do you keep missing?

Come on!

Hey, guys.Hey.

Hey.No gun safety for us, right?

Want to shoot?No, no, no, do not

give her a gun. She cannot handle having a gun, trust me.

All right, you know what, yeah, give me the boom stick.

The what?It's not called a boom stick. It's a rifle. So...

What? Give me the rifle.

Oh, right.

Whoa, yeah, you know what?

I feel powerful.

Whoa! Come on now!

Come on! Hey!

Okay, all right.

Nobody better piss me off.Hey! Jess!

Hey!Jess, thanks.

NICK: Are you nuts?

ANGIE: Here, all right, see that can? Yep.

All right.But I need like, a back story.

Like, why am I mad at the can?

That can is your ex-boyfriend, and, uh,

he did not respect your space

and, um, thought that your arts and crafts

What? section of your house was ridiculous.

And, right, done? Enough?Yeah. No. Yeah.

Yeah.Let me just square your hips right there.

All right,

center your... there you go.

Now let me just move your hair.

It's so pretty, really curly.Thanks.

Fantasy and nightmare colliding.

Take a deep breath.

Congrats.

We have no power.

Uh...

I'm just gonna...

Whoa! Jess, that's it. Let go of the rifle.

I mean it; you're done. You're done.

SAM: Jess, I'm having a great time.

Oh, yeah, I'm so mad at you right now.

Guys, I think that this just turned into an adventure.

Look what I found in the owner's closet.

Yes!

Thank you so much.

You rule. This is good stuff.

See, making the best of the night. Sweaters.

A little mothy.

Look what else I found in the owner's closet. What?

Crème de menthe, guys.

Oh, get in here, girl.

Oh, body warmth.

Take a pull.

Ooh, yeah, pass her over.

Ooh, that's...Yeah.

That is not crème de menthe.

That is, uh, the green fairy right there.

It's absinthe.

Yeah, it's absinthe.

Absinthe?

Absinthe...Nice.

has killed so many

of our most famous painters.

Last time I tried absinthe,

I tried to put my car in my pocket.

ANGIE: Come on.

Let's get crazy.

SAM: Come on, babe.

[squeals]

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Perfect weekend!

[yelling]

No, no! No!

Whoa, too much.

Oh, guys.

I don't feel anything.

SCHMIDT: Well, those were just the best

ribs that I've ever had.

Ooh, you ain't lying, child.

Thanks for dinner, Schmidt.

You know, I really appreciate it, man.

I do feel supported.So what's next?

There is this one thing that I miss.

I probably shouldn't say, man.

I can't. No, come on.

It's us, man.

[sighs]

Schmidt, I could really go for some crack.

What?

Crack cocaine?

I remember when I was a kid,

me, my mom,

and her mom, and well, her mom,

and then her mom, and then of course her mom,

and then my little cousin, Peanut,

they'd all rush back to that flaming trash can

where we'd sit around and harmonize

and just... ♪ shoo-op.

One of those nights I remember,

well, we ran out of crack.

I'd grab my scarf, and I would run on down

to the liquor store where the thugs hang out,

and I would try to get a good deal on some crack.

Whoo! They never would give me a good price, man,

but, uh, I tell you what,

there's nothing like the... the feel of a fire,

a fresh-baked cookie,

and that sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.

Okay.

Okay, Winston, yeah.

Sure, I mean, if...

If that is something that you want to do...

See, I knew you were gonna judge me.

I knew it.

No, Winston.

I knew you were gonna judge me and just...

Winston, listen to me.

Look...

if crack cocaine is what you want,

then crack cocaine is what we are going to get.

[muffled laughing]How do we do this?

Here's what we do, Schmidt. We go to the projects, okay?

We knock on some doors.

I'll wait in the car and take lookout

while you do all the legwork.

Because as you say, you are in much better shape than I am.

You do have the body of a Smurf.

We could... We could just get frozen yogurt.

It's not a big deal.

Schmidt ain't about no frozen yogurt.

I want to go score some crack cocaine.

Really?

We're gonna do this.

Look at them.This is a cabin, guys.

Getting wasted on a couple of shots of absinthe.

Word games, word games,

word games, word games, word games.

Doctor! Know what I saying...

[Jess squeaking]

I don't think I feel it.

I can't believe I'm the sober one.

That's actually never happened in my life.

[goofy accent]: Who wants to play Charades?

[muttering] JESS: Me.

One syllable, one syllable.

[raspy laughter]Movie.

Gattaca.

Oh, I want to be them.

I have to run upstairs for a sec.

I have it on good authority my bed has disappeared.

I need to go check it out.

I got to head up there and take care of that.

Oh, you-you're gonna go upstairs?

Yeah, yeah. Now?

Yeah.

Oh, ho-ho-ho, yeah.

Okay.

Have fun.

I will, I guess.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

Up.

Doesn't sound good.

[coughing] Oh, Jess.

That sounded terrible.The absinthe

has found a new host.

The toilet.

[groans]: Oh...

I like Angie.

She's cool. It's kind of like

riding a poorly maintained carnival ride.

I'm glad you get it.

I think she really likes you.

All right.

Jeth... I'm not... I'm-I'm with Jeth.

What? ANGIE: Hey, Nick,

look, we switched.

SAM [muttering]: And look... middle of the night...

What is the big deal?

I... why else did we all go to a cabin together?

To hike? [scoffs]

Guys, I'm still really feeling it.

I just can't believe you'd do that to Nick.

She didn't do anything to me.

We have an open relationship.

She can do whatever

she wants. I don't care.

Enough. I'm tired of you

acting like this cool guy

with an "open relationship."

That is not you.

Yes, it is, Jess.

Why won't you just let me be me? This is me!

I'm sorry. I just don't believe you.

You're not this guy.

No, no, no, I'm not feeling good...

At least we don't pretend to be this perfect couple.

I do not pretend to be a perfect couple.

The only reason that we're here

is 'cause you asked us to come,

'cause you didn't want

to be alone with Dr. Sam.

'Cause then you'd have to be real with him.

Jess? Is that true?

Yes, but no... it's out of context.

It's out of context, Nick.

You think you know everything about me.

I'm a rock and roll guy.You are the guy

who asks me to light matches for you

'cause you're afraid your fingers are gonna get too hot.

I did that one time.Multiple times.

I was on the back of a motorcycle earlier,

and I wasn't even that scared.

You don't think I'm crazy?No.

Would a sane man do this?

[gasps] Oh!

Oh![clapping]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

You're doing it. You're doing a lot of it.

You need to just pace it a little bit...

Oh, whoa, that...

you're really doing it.

[retches] Whoa!

[sighs]

Well?

I suppose we could just get out and ask any of these street youths.

WINSTON: I'll let you get out the car first.

Go ahead, do your thing, man.

I don't want to ask the wrong person

and end up with some sub-par crack.

I want the fresh crack, you know?

Not some crack that's been laying around all day.

Ooh... I'm really starting to schvitz.

We don't have to do this. Man, we could just

turn this car around, forget this ever happened,

and get you some frozen yogurt.

I will not let you deny who you are any longer.

Not on my watch.

Schmidt... Hey, psst!

Schmidt, no. Yes. Skee-you!

Skee-you! Schmidt!

You, dude.

Don't call that man to this car.

Hi, how are you this evening?

What do you guys need?

It's cool, just get in the car, man.

What cool?Yeah, we're cool.

Schmidt, you did not invite this guy in this car.

He could be crazy, could have a gun.

That's a racist thing to say, Winston, that he...Stop it, Schmidt...

Just assuming that this man has a pistol.

Hi, sir.

How are you this evening?

Um, the two of us are very interested

in purchasing some crack cocaine.

You guys cops?

What?Okay, let me out.

Schmidt, Schmidt... I was just messing with you, man.

Okay? I was just trying to see

how far your stupid white guilt would take you.

Have you ever done crack?

Hell, no, I've never done crack, man.

Why do you think I've done crack? Because I'm black?

I thought you'd done crack 'cause you told me

the whole story about you doing crack.

I thought you guys just needed directions, okay?

Let me out!Okay, sir.

Just calm down, all right? Oh, please, man.

Be cool.Fine, okay, look, you want it? You want it? Look!

Whoa! No! Oh my God, no!

Look, my wallet.No! No!

Take my wallet!Here's my wallet, okay?

Shoot the white dude!Just let me out...

Shoot him! No, don't shoot me!

Shoot him, man!But that's...

That's your wallet.That's yourwallet.

Are you not robbing us?You're not robbing me?

I don't want to rob you, man.I thought you were gonna...

I totally misread the situation.

I thought you was robbing me.Oh, no, man.

Oh, hey, man, I'm Schmidt.Robert, man.

Robert.Nice to meet you. Pleasure, man.

Robert, man, hey, man, nice to meet you, man.

What a nice smile he has.All right, guys. I'm just...

Okay. Here, I'll... they're the child locks.

I don't even have kids, but...You guys have a great night, okay?

You, too, man.Be safe. Take care, Robert.

Take it easy, man.You guys have a good night, man, all right.

That was insane.

I was terrified. That... oh, my goodness.

I judged...[screaming]

God, Robert! Robert...

I just... the wallet?

Oh, your wallet... oh, your wallet.

Just give him the wallet.I'm really sorry.

Yeah, it's kind of...No, yeah, I get it.

I'd want my wallet back, too.

Thank you.All right. Thanks, Robert.

I wouldn't thank him.Whoa, man.

What a hilarious misunderstanding.

Schmidt, drive the damn car.No, you're right.

[owl hooting]

You know, I feel so much better

after throwing up into the fire.

Uh, Sam, can you pass the bread?

Oh, sure thing.No, I'll pass the bread, Angie.

Just keep your hands to yourself and let the bread come to you.

Why do you keep taking my bread?Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you and the bread had an open relationship.

I said I was sorry. I thought this was an agreement.

I thought we were all cool with this. I don't...

Absinthe!

Fun dinner. Fun dinner.

I always have fun at the cabin.

You guys want to pick my brain?

You guys want to know what I'm thinking about?

I like dogs more than cats.

I like chipmunks more than squirrels.

I believe in UFOs.

I once had a bass teacher,

when I was younger, who did the standing bass.

And he had a very weird smell, and I still think about it.

His name was Mr. Hilton.

I don't like the fact that you tried to kiss Sam.

[sighs]

Because I have feelings for you, Angie.

I'm... I had no idea, I'm sorry.

I know. We said it was open, but...

I'm proud of you for saying that.

Dr. Sam?

If you were a hat, you'd be a top hat.

[snorts]

But like a really big Monopoly one.

And I say that of the deepest compliments.

Appreciate it.

Winston, I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.

What, help me realize that I'm black?

Schmidt, believe it or not, man,

I've known that for a while now.

I just feel bad you're forced to live here with Jess and Nick.

Oh, wow. I mean, they're honky as hell.

And look at our people. Look what we've given to this country.

Jazz...

The management of jazz musicians.

But, look, Schmidt, being black means

whatever I want it to mean.

You know, the fact of the matter is

I live in a loft with three people

who happen to be white.

But believe you me,

there is so much more

that I find annoying about you

that I haven't even gotten to race.

Now, I'm gonna get some frozen yogurt.

Would you like anything?

Yeah.

I'll have a vanilla chocolate swirl.

No. What, no...

No. I'll have strawberry with jimmies.

Did you get that?

Hey.

How you doing?

[exhales]

Much better.

That alcohol got on top of me.

Oh... I'm a little embarrassed by that.

I'm sorry about Sam.

I... I thought it was cool.

Right. And I try to ruin things as soon as

they get good.

I'm working on it.

Believe it or not, I'm working on stuff, too.

You know, I just wish I was working on less stuff.

You know, I've been arrested three times.

Four times.

Four to five times.

I have tattoos

of bands that I don't even like anymore.

By the way, you've been really cool

about the "Jamiroquai" tattoo on my butt.

I'm not asking you to change.

Just how about meet me in the middle a little bit?

What do you want me to do? Go to brunch?

Are we supposed to, like, read articles

and then talk about them together?

Okay, I'm never

going to be that kind of girl.

I just want to do something normal.

How about not

drawing pubes on my armpit

while I'm sleeping?

[giggles] You think you could

do something like that?

Yeah. Yeah.

'Cause I would really like

to keep this going.

Want to move your twin bed over here?

Sexy, sexy, sexy.

[laughs]

Bird! Bird! Bird!

Bird! Oh.

Help! Help!Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

No big, I got it! I'm on it.

Just a... it was a painting.

That's not really how I wanted the weekend to go.

I thought the worst thing that could happen

was someone wouldn't like the cheese I brought.

I wanted it to be perfect.

Jess, when Nick said that you invited them

because you were nervous...

No, don't worry about that.Jess,

we're not perfect.

Like the first time we slept together,

like, I didn't even know your real name.

Kind of a pretty sassy detail.

Can we just concentrate on the fact that, like,

I was tripping pretty hard on absinthe

and I said, "No"?

To a stripper?

I mean, a stripper was like rubbing my leg...

That's weirdly...

the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

[laughs]

[birds chirping]

Got it. I left a Post-it note

on the transformer that said "Broken."

SAM: Is there any way that we could make it look

like it was raccoon bites?A few announcements.

Uh...

Angie left. Me.

What? She took the motorcycle,

and, uh, a few of my belongings,

but I'm still wearing my underwear,

so she comes up short-handed in that treasure hunt.

Seriously?Oh, I'm so sorry, Nick.

I'm sorry, man.

It's fine; I'm a grown man.

I will need a ride home.

Yeah. Obviously.

I would love to pitch in with gas,

but I don't have any money, so I could pay in "Nick Bucks,"

fully redeemable

for smiles

and any one item from my bureau.

We'll hold you to that.

Thank you, Doctor.

[whimpers] Don't, I-I'm good.

I know you don't want to be hugged.I don't want to be hugged.

And I respect that. So...Okay. 'Cause I'm fine.

Jess, no, I'm good, I'm good.

I promise you, I'm good. Just...

Actually, this is very weird for you.

I'm not hugging you.I know.

I'm sorry. I promise you I'm okay.

Stop making this a thing, because I'm not sad.

This is for the best.Yeah. [grunts]

I'm fine. She didn't deserve you.

Whatever that means.

Thank you. SAM: Okay, almost there.

Hey, let's go! All right.

Hey, the potato salad's

accidentally in the garbage.

Look at that.

You guys mind if I eat this in the back seat?

You can eat salad in my back seat anytime.

Didn't mean that to be sexual.

[chuckles] SAM: All right, guys.

It's a little bit gamey.

Okay.

I'll get the garbage, here.

Hold on, hold on.

The absinthe.

You almost threw that out by accident.

Wow.

SAM: We're ready. You all ready?

Yep, I'll be right with you guys.

That was a mistake! Whoo!

I am gonna poop weird tonight! Yeah!... Oh that was a mistake.