Original subtitles

You know, maybe I found out too early.

I was five years old when "Santa" gave me my own fire truck

and a teddy bear that smelled

like my dad's cigarettes.

That's not Santa.

I just believe things and go on believing them.

Someone tells me a fat man's bringing me dolls every year,

I just don't question it.You would've been my nightmare.

We were on very strict instructions from Rabbi Schmulie

not to say a word until the last

Christian kid found out about Santa Claus.

Ruining Christmas, very bad for our brand.

Well, whether or not Santa's real, it's just

nice to have something to believe in.

Did you just say "whether or not Santa's real"?

You don't believe in Santa Claus, do you? No.

Do I wish Santa was real?

I mean, yeah.Santa's not real, Winston.

WINSTON: Shut up, stupid! You're a dummy!

[stammering]

So... and... I don't even c...

Like, you're the... Okay, aw, here we go.

You know what, look who's talking. You're the same guy

who only eats mayonnaise on game days.

Well, that's how you make the Chicago Bears win.

Hey, Winnie, were you a good boy this year?

Oh, really?

Stop, guys, stop!

SCHMIDT: Don't throw the cranberries!

Get him! Stop!

Hey!

I don't mess around!No!

Truce! Truce! Truce!Go for the eyes!

Truce! Truce!Who's your Santa now?

One got stuck in my ear.

We got a cranberry in his ear.

How is that even possible?

Why don't you ask Santa Claus to take

the cranberry out of your ear?Huh?!

I said it got stuck in my ear!

Truce! Truce! Truce! Truce!

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.

[exhales] [whistles]

These pieces don't make a full berry.

There's definitely something still stuck in there.

Hey, would anybody mind the airport tomorrow?

Full disclosure:

it's out of San Diego at 3:00 a.m.

So tonight's our last chance for a holiday hang-together?

A group hang on the Saturday before Christmas?

[loudly]: No, sorry, I can't tonight, Jess. Office party.

There are literally millions of parties. It's a puzzle as...

That's what you guys are talking about, right?

I mean, it's not like I can hear anything,

because I got a cranberry stuck in my ear!

You're yelling.Huh?

Slade and Sienna are having a house thing.

Oshiro-San is serving whale meat after midnight.

Huh? What y'all talking about?Shut up.

Sadie is having a cookie-decorating party.

The gorilla twins are having a thump-thump.

Let's try to hit all the parties we can.

Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay home and try not to call Sam.

What'd you say?I'm gonna die alone.

And merry Christmas.

We have to hang out together.I hate that idea.

I'll be designated driver.

I'm in. Okay, yeah, let's do it.

The only way we make this work

is if we do the Irish good-bye.

We leave the parties without saying good-bye.

And I'm asking you guys as my friends to not be

so damn awkward around my stripper girlfriend,

just 'cause she's a stripper.

You are the most awkward.

You should probably stop calling her your "stripper girlfriend."

She's unpredictable and exciting,

and I love that!

Ol' Nick Miller

lives on the edge now. Vroom! Vroom!

And plus,

we haven't had sex yet, and we might tonight.

[grunting]

I understood that!

Oh, yeah!

What'd you say, though?

♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me a partridge... ♪

Merry Christmas!

Am I talking too loud?

Schmidt?What?

A word? What?

You haven't said one word to Cece since she got in the car.

I cannot believe that you invited her.

She's my best friend.

Hey, can I talk to you a little later?Oh, were you hoping that

I still had some soul left for you to crush?

I'm glad we're gonna be immature about this.

Whoa, what happened there?

Nothing. He told her that he loved her...

Okay, I just want to spend the night

making it with some fatty in an elf costume.

Is that too much to ask for?

Instead I'm stuck here

at this lesbian cookie party.

It's all wreaths, no trees.

All right, Jess,

you're on the clock;

you have five minutes in this party black hole.

Your friends are cool.Yeah, no, no, I like them.

Yeah, they...I live with them.

But being serious, it's been really fun.

I'm glad we're hanging out and spending time together and all that good stuff.

You know, to be completely honest,

when I first met you,

I didn't think that you could, you know, handle this.

Handle what? The fact that you're a stripper?

Me being... Yeah.Are you kidding?

[laughs]: Me? Yeah.

Is it good? You're sweating a little bit.

You know what, lady, I was born on the wrong side of the tracks.

I've had tetanus thrice in my life.

Ew.And look at what a badass cookie I made.

That's the kind of cookie Nick Miller makes.

Fine, look at my cookie. What?

Yeah, but there are people here.

Are you not into having sex around people?

Who are you talking to?

Yeah? I'm so open with sex, it's ridiculous.

[forced laugh]

You could at least take your coat off.

[chuckles]: Oh, but I can't.

Pastel walls give me the chills.

Hey.Hey.

Oh, my God!What?

What...It's Sam! It's Sam! Put your coats on.

We're leaving.Sam Sam? Where?

Yes, he's right over there.

He's talking to a woman whose sexuality

I won't jump to conclusions about.

What a situation, huh, Jess?

Forced to spend time with someone

who ruthlessly rejected you

after you told him how much you cared about him.

Maybe...Damn, he looks good.

just wants everyone to get along.

Okay, if he wanted everybody to get along...

I'm seriously freaking out right now.

...then hewouldn't have acted like such a callous lady jerk.Guys, I'm freaking out.

Lady jerk? Lady jerk.

Seriously freaking out right now.

Duck! He's gonna see you.Ow. We have to get out

of here, you guys. Where is everybody?Weirdo.

WINSTON: Yeah, man, see, when a cranberry gets lodged

in the ear, it hurts. Look.

Psst, Winston.WINSTON: Hey!

Do you guys know Sam's here?[whistles]

Oh!

Jess?We're Irish good-bye-ing. Go! Go!

Go?Go, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

JESS: All right, Schmidt, what's the address?

SCHMIDT: Get ready, last year this party had acrobats

and caged snow leopards.

WINSTON: What?!

♪

We're all here together. No drama.

Not bad, Schmidt.Thank you.

Are they just gonna play computer music all night?

What are you talking about? That's a really respected deejay,

who was also an actor on Boy Meets World.

Hey, Jess. Whoa, Sam. What?!

No!

Why is this happening? No.

Please, I need to talk...[hits glass door] Oh, God.

No. Oh, my...

Oh, I feel like a bird.

Aw, that's just sad.

How are you here?Winston told me

where the party was in exchange for an ear exam.

Winston told you what?!

What?

Jess, listen to me.

I want you back, Jess.

Oh. [grunts]

Oh!

Are none of these doors?

Oh!

So, what, he just wants a relationship now, out of the blue?

[loudly]: You never just dreamed about him crawling back to you?

Anybody who's ever been dumped

has dreamed about that special someone

crawling their way back to them.

I mean, come on, right? It's the dump fantasy.

Let's workshop that term.

Of course I have.

We meet

in a hospital, during wartime.

You can forgive a lot during wartime.

Thatis a fantasy, Jess.

Okay, people don't change.

They just think that they do.

He's a player. Think about it.

Why would a good-looking person ever become a doctor?

SAM: Jess?

Oh, my God! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go. [groans]

Door...Jess?

Jess, uh, I don't know if you're in here.

I just wanted to tell you that...

[clears throat] I messed up.

You know, I-I went to that party to see you.

I knew you were gonna be there, 'cause I saw

the comments on the Evite.

"Amazeballs, can't wait."

If you are here, I'm sorry if this sounds a little rehearsed.

This is the third room I've done this in.

Hey, what's he saying?

I want to hear...Shut up, Winston.

Jess?

Jess? Yep.

No.

You just think you can come back

and I'm just gonna be waiting for you?

No, of course not. I mean...

I had to at least try.

You're too late.

I'm in love.

SAM: What?

With Winston.

SAM: What?

We've lain together.

No, yeah, I don't know how it happened.

It just got stuck up there so far, so quickly.

The relationship.

WINSTON: You know, sometimes when we're hanging out,

it can get a little rough.

Oh, boy, does it. Yeah.

All right. Well, I didn't know that, so...

What's going on? I feel like I'm missing something.

[Nick laughing]

Snow time. [giggling]

Hey, what are you doing? No, no, no.

Hey, everything is so expensive here, Angie.[squeals]

Don't. Get off that thing.

Why don't you get on?

[bells jingling][chuckles]

You know what?

Get in the sleigh, girl.

What happens in the sleigh?

What happens in the sleigh

is I'll be your reindeer...Uh-huh.

and take your toys up in the sky.

[giggles] Sexyness.

[mouthing]

Ooh! Ho ho ho!

Here comes the chubby Santa boy!

Get in here.[grunts]

NICK: This is real.

We are... This is...

You are quick to the belt.

Let's do this.

You have been Taken.

What's that?

A nearly perfect Liam Neeson.

NICK: Whoa!

Oh, no!

[Nick grunting]

[Angie giggling, Nick groaning]

NICK: No! This isn't...

This is my nightmare! [grunting]

Merry Christmas!

Oh.[whistling]

[grunts]

Hey. I know... I know you're trying to avoid me,

but just take this gift I got you and I will walk away.

I don't celebrate Christmas, okay? Or as I like to call it,

White Anglo-Saxon Winter Privilege Night.

I really want us to be friends.

Whenever you're ready.

Because I really do care about you.

Thank you so much for this.

'Cause this makes it so much better.

Here. This is for you.

SCHMIDT: What if you came home with me tonight?

You look like a hot elf.

Hold still. Uh-huh.

[sighs] Got it.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, man.

Now that I think about it, I mean, I'm not really

surprised by you and... you know.

I mean, three guy roommates.

If I really am being honest with you,

you were the only one that I was really threatened by.

I mean, you got Metrosexual Jones

and Sweatshirt Guy over there.

Wait, what are we talking about here?

Yeah, I would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

You know, except for the mustache.

Can I ask you something? How did you get her?

Oh...

Hmm.

Jess.

Yes. [clears throat] Yes, my love.

Honey, we both know we have been unhappy for far too long.

I am not just a vehicle you get to ride to Pleasure Town.

Be gone, honky!

[quietly]: This is for your own good.

Say good-bye to paradise, honey!

We were never going out.

Yeah, I got that.

I mean, Sam, what am I supposed to think?

So what? I'm just supposed to believe you

when all of a sudden you come back to me,

you tell me you want to make it work?

I-I want to believe you, but I just feel so...

No!

No! Why do you think you can just kiss me?

I thought that was the right...

That's all this ever was to you.

That's not true, Jess. No.

No. I'm always so gullible, and I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm done.

Oh, I mean, I get it.

I'm... I'm too late. I messed up.

Yeah, you did. You messed up.

Well, I'll leave you alone. Merry Christmas.

No!

I'm leaving you alone.

I know... I know you do this kind of thing all the time,

but believe it or not, I don't.

What? What does that mean?

Look, I know for you, this kind of stuff is normal.

Oh. Doing it in sleds.

And... This is because I'm a stripper.

[laughing]: Yeah.

Are you laughing at me? No.

I'm laughing into me.

Maybe you just can't handle this. No. It's great.

You're a stripper for now. I'm a bartender for now.

For now? We're not gonna be that for...

Okay, well, for now, I'm just gonna walk away.

For now, you can kiss my ass.

Nick Miller-- turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.

[sleigh bells jingling]WINSTON: Up on the housetop.

Click, click, click.

You know, I just want to say what's up to all

my girls in the county looking so lovely,

like you always sometimes do.

♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho...

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing in this place?

Um...

And we're back, and I'm Dr. Gavin Daytona.

You are live on the radio. We got a caller Wendy.

You are on the phone with the doctor. What have you got?

Hey. Hey, Doctor.

This is Dr. Gavin. You're live to five million people.

I actually, I-I had a guy...Oh, yeah, you did.

I really liked him. [singsongy]: Wah, wah!

I'm right not to believe him, right?

I don't know, actually.

I think you're the kind of girl a guy would come back for.

Buh, buh, buh.

It was a bracelet.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

Tungsten carbide, because you said

that was the most baller metal.

That's what Statham wore in all the Transportermovies.

I just wanted to try to find a way to say thank you

for telling me that you loved me.

Even if I was the wrong person.

You're welcome, Cece.

But love is stupid, okay?

It is a lie.

So, bah humbug to you, Cecilia.

Bah humbug.

Bah...

humbug.

♪ Up on the housetop, click, click, click... ♪

Where is your girlfriend?

I blew it.

She's so out there and adventurous,

and not afraid, and...

She's probably bored of me already.

I mean, she doesn't want to be here.

Does Angie ever do anything

she doesn't want to do?

No.WINSTON: [distantly] ♪ Who wouldn't go?

What's wrong with a girl that's fearless? I think that could

be good for you, especially since you're such a chicken.

[clucking Christmas song]Don't.

Go get her.

[grunting]

[imitates chickens clucking]

Is this on? [over speakers]:

It's on.

Right on. Cool. [laughs]

[music stops]Um... Angie?

that I'm an idiot. I just want to say publicly

out there all the time. I couldn't just put myself

It's too scary.

but here goes. I'm not as brave as you,

I'm very poor.

would be an honor. Having a checking account

I'm a writer.

It's terrible. I've written a zombie book.

I'm a slow runner.

I'm obsessed with karate.

Yeah, yeah.

in the world. You are the scariest thing

to be going out with me. And you're so goofy

And I don't want to...

Thank you for...

Winston?

a favor, homeboy? Why don't you do me

Sorry I called you homeboy.

But turn that damn music up.

to get sexy up in here. 'Cause I'm about

[intro to "Deck the Halls" plays]

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la-la la-la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly... ♪ Sexy?

No.Weird choice, but I'm going for it.

♪ Don we now our gay apparel... ♪

Would you give me a second chance?

♪ Fa la-la la-la, la, la, la, la ♪Yes.

Good. See, I know what sexy is.

What's happening?And I'm gonna show you

what kind of...

Huh? Oh.

Oh, no, no. Oh, okay.

[grunting]Is this, is this a lap dance?

This...

This isn't happening. Oh, God.

[laughs]

♪ Follow me in merry measure... ♪

Oh, yeah, that-that's the stuff.

That-That's kind of the stuff.

Sexy.

♪ Fast away the old year passes ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪

Let me show you how to do it.

♪ Ye lads and lasses

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

♪ Sing we joyous all together

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

♪ Heedless of the wind and weather ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪

Okay, Angie, Angie, you're doing it all wrong.

Okay, honey?

Let me just...

Eye contact.

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪

What are you doing?You are as dumb as it gets.

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

♪ Don we now our gay a...

WINSTON: What the hell?CECE: What are you doing?

I just... I-I'm sorry, I think I made a mistake about Sam.

I think I need to turn around.SCHMIDT: No, you didn't, Jess.

You did the right thing.You're right, you're right.

[siren chirps]Aah, no! Oh, come on.

JESS: No, no, no.

[groans]

No, no, no, no.WINSTON: We are so busted.

Oh, Jess, you reek of booze.

Winston threw a drink on me.

CECE: Turn on the waterworks.NICK: Just take the jacket off.

WINSTON: We are so busted.

There's two of you? Come on, I thought we were

in the middle of a budget crisis.

JESS: Officer, I understand

how this looks and smells,

but I assure you, I would not ever get behind the wheel

of a vehicle if I had had even a drop to drink.

This has just been the most crazy night.

[voice breaking]: And I'm not going to cry

because I believe in traffic violations

and paying your debt to society, but you have

to believe...I believe you.

You do?

Why?Jess, be cool.

Sometimes people tell the truth.

You drive safely,

and happy holidays.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

Was that...?Santa.

Black Santa. We saw Santa.

It was Black Santa.[overlapping chatter]

Santa Claus isn't even real.

We got a black president, we got a black Santa Claus.

It was not Black Santa Claus!

What a-- that's ludicrous.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Now, what is he doing?

He should be at home getting ready.

I believe.

I believe Sam

and I want to go see him.

To the Black North Pole!

[overlapping chatter]We saw Black Santa.

Black Santa Claus?!

I am so sick of hanging out with Christians.

This is my last Christian Christmas.

Hi, um, I'm here to see, um... Do you have

family members in the hospital? Uh, no, uh...

Then, you're not here to see anyone.

Visiting hours are over. It's Christmas.

Okay, new plan.

We're carolers.[overlapping chatter]

Gum?

Boobs?

Thank you.

FYI, I'm totally fine with what just happened.

Schmidt, let's go, let's go.

Look.

Jess, I still think this is a mistake.

I mean, what if he hurts you again?

Sometimes people tell the truth, Schmidt.

Oh, thank you, Professor Cliché,

just in time for the holidays.

Hold it. Oh, okay, well, we should...

[clearing throat]: Um, madrigals.

♪ O come, all ye faithful

ALL [out of sync]: ♪ Joyful and triumphant

[all singing different lyrics]

♪ Matzo ball, Star of David, Hanukkah ♪

♪ Gotta do what you wanna do when you do it ♪ ♪ Menorah

♪ Come

[all singing different lyrics]

♪ I don't know the words

♪ I don't know the words... ♪

[all singing different lyrics]

♪ I don't...

♪ Know

♪ The

♪ Wor...

♪ ...rds-ah!

[cheering]

Good stuff.All right.

Yeah, thanks so much.Thank you very much.

SAM: Okay, okay, everyone, back in your rooms.

It's okay, I know these people.

It's okay.All right.

Thank you.

You came back.

Yeah, um...

Jess, I know that you don't believe me,

but when we met, I...

this girl had screwed me up.

I believe you.

♪ My friends wanna know how it came to be that, ooh ♪

NICK: All right, you're in a hospital, so...

A lot of hands.

All right, Doctor, ease up, ease up.

♪ 'Cause I caught Santa under my tree... ♪

Cab it to the next party?

Yes.

Cece, do you want to come?

I mean, I think there's a cab stand, uh...

Uh, maybe it's down that way.

Could be over there, I don't know.

I didn't really give it away, you know.

I'd never do that.

Happy Hanukkah.

Happy Moon Festival, Cece.

Nope, not a thing.

Happy Carnaval.

You should stop while you're ahead.

Uh, where are Nick and Angie?

Ugh, in a children's hospital.

Sexual animals, sexual animals.

Shameless, just shameless.

Captioned by access.wgbh.orgoup at WGBH