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1
00:00:01,523 --> 00:00:02,698
I can't believe they're playing
these old matches.
2
00:00:02,741 --> 00:00:05,179
Man, these were legendary.Camel clutch!
3
00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:06,180
Schmidt, that's not
a camel clutch.Ah, here we go.
4
00:00:06,223 --> 00:00:07,094
That is
a camel clutch.
5
00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:10,053
Gentlemen, hi.
6
00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:11,663
I'd just like a moment
of your time.
7
00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:13,448
Jess, you can't turn that off.If I may.
8
00:00:13,491 --> 00:00:16,146
[men chatter, groan]I have a word that's
gonna change your life.
9
00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:17,234
The answer is already "no."
10
00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:18,844
Bathtub.
Bathtub's
two words.
11
00:00:18,888 --> 00:00:20,890
It's one word.Bathtub is
two words.
12
00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:21,847
How come I'm James Brown?
13
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:23,066
When you don't smile
14
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:24,154
for my pictures,
you get replaced.
15
00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:25,112
You come home
16
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:27,114
after a long,
hard day at work.
17
00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:29,290
Tired.You want
to relax, but how?
18
00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,421
How about soaking
19
00:00:30,465 --> 00:00:32,902
in a glorious
bubbly pool for one?
20
00:00:32,945 --> 00:00:35,905
Sipping the nectar
of the gods.
21
00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:37,080
I don't get it--
is this bath water?
22
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,473
Might as well be;
it's rosé.
23
00:00:38,516 --> 00:00:39,952
Burn notice,
France.
24
00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:44,087
Now that I'm working again,Don't do this.
25
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:45,132
I'd really love to come home
26
00:00:45,175 --> 00:00:46,481
and soak in a beautiful bathtub.
27
00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:49,527
Bathtubs are medieval
filth cauldrons-- pass.
28
00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:51,312
Yeah, it's a waste
of money, Jess.
29
00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:54,793
I'm not interested in simmering
in testicle tea for 20 minutes.
30
00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:55,533
Loft vote.
31
00:00:55,577 --> 00:00:57,100
No.
No.
32
00:00:57,144 --> 00:00:59,233
Feel like I'm at a garden party,
haven't even left home.
33
00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:01,017
Winston, what are you talking
about-- loft vote, no.
34
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,497
What, yeah, no,
duh, of course.Raise your hand.
35
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:05,108
Okay, you know what--
loft vote...MEN: Nay.
36
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:06,892
Loft vote.MEN: Nay.
37
00:01:06,936 --> 00:01:08,764
wrestling back on.
Loft vote, I'm turning
38
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:09,808
Yeah.
Yeah.
39
00:01:09,852 --> 00:01:11,680
Camel clutch! Camel clutch!No.
40
00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:14,291
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Who's that girl?♪
41
00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:15,945
♪ It's Jess.
42
00:01:17,338 --> 00:01:18,774
[sighs]
43
00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:19,862
[whistles]
44
00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:22,169
Hey, Schmidt.
45
00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:24,127
Ooh, hey.
Want to pitch
on the new Double V campaign?
46
00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:25,520
I'm all about the Double V--
what is that?
47
00:01:25,563 --> 00:01:26,564
It's a new vodka, yeah.
48
00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:28,479
Filled with vitamins--
Double V?
49
00:01:28,523 --> 00:01:29,741
What do you think?
50
00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:30,916
You know, I've never
been considered
51
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,135
to run an account before.
52
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:35,704
Wait a...
Wait, is this just...
53
00:01:35,747 --> 00:01:38,272
Is this because we used
to... bingity-bangity?
54
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:39,534
No, of course not.
55
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:42,711
Take a look
at the specs
56
00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:44,974
and come into my office tomorrow
in your best suit,
57
00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:47,324
and, uh, blow me away
with your take.
58
00:01:47,368 --> 00:01:49,239
My best suit--
I can put on my best suit.
59
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,243
Okay.
60
00:01:54,592 --> 00:01:57,726
Wasted project, Nick, huh?
61
00:01:57,769 --> 00:01:59,206
Herringbone?!
62
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,339
How did you get in here?
63
00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:10,739
JESS:
To Schmidt.
64
00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:12,349
Sleeping his way
to the top.
65
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,134
Cheers to me.
66
00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:16,745
NICK: I hope
you like it.
67
00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:18,573
I poured that one for you.
68
00:02:18,616 --> 00:02:21,228
Drink it up.
69
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:22,751
This is coming off weird--
it's creepy, right?
70
00:02:22,794 --> 00:02:23,839
Go get her.I can't do that.
71
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:26,189
I can't talk to Thirsty.Thirsty?
72
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,191
I don't know her name,
so I call her Thirsty.
73
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:30,237
Thirsty Mendelson.Oh, you made her Jewish?
74
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,369
I didn't make her Jewish.Mendelson?
She's not Jewish?
75
00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,241
Well, Thirsty.If her last name's
Mendelson, she's Jewish.
76
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,286
Tell you what her first name is,
too-- it's Rachel.
77
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:38,201
Get out of my head--
you're kind of ruining
78
00:02:38,245 --> 00:02:39,289
my thing right now.
79
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,203
What I have with
Thirsty is perfect.
80
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,205
She's surly like I'm surly,
81
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:43,815
and she rolls her eyes
at everybody
82
00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:45,426
like I roll my eyes
at everybody.
83
00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:47,819
She likes to drink
in the afternoon.
84
00:02:47,863 --> 00:02:49,299
And I like to drink
in the afternoon.
85
00:02:49,343 --> 00:02:51,214
Go talk to her.No, I can't.
86
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:52,302
That breaks the first rule
87
00:02:52,346 --> 00:02:54,391
of bartending--
never cross the bar.
88
00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:57,394
'Cause once you cross
the bar, it gets messy.
89
00:02:57,438 --> 00:02:59,701
[shouts]
Rudy just wants her $200 back.
90
00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:02,225
Come on, neither of you has
the right bra for this.
91
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:03,661
Excuse me, have you seen Rhonda?
92
00:03:03,705 --> 00:03:06,229
Have you seen the ferret lady?
93
00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:07,839
Why am I doing this?!
94
00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,407
[shrieking]
95
00:03:10,451 --> 00:03:12,279
Never cross the bar.
96
00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:14,455
Your rules have
gotten you so far.
97
00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:16,239
Classic Nick Miller.You got it.
98
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,545
Jess.
99
00:03:17,588 --> 00:03:19,373
You want to help me at the
jukebox really quick?
100
00:03:19,416 --> 00:03:21,636
Oh, my God, yes-- I've always
wanted to do this with you.
101
00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:23,594
Well, I was gonna go
"Raspberry Beret," but...
102
00:03:23,638 --> 00:03:25,335
You know,
if we're gonna go Prince,
I think we should go, like--
103
00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:28,164
Jess, I want to talk to you
about your bathtub pitch.
104
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,296
I love baths-- I do.
105
00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:32,386
Back in Latvia,
we had a great tub.
106
00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:38,870
But I tell you what--
there are parts of my butt
107
00:03:38,914 --> 00:03:40,350
only a tub can clean.
108
00:03:40,394 --> 00:03:41,438
Ew, but okay!
109
00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:42,744
Okay, here's
what we're gonna do,
110
00:03:42,787 --> 00:03:44,267
so the guys don't know.
111
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:45,355
We're gonna split
the 400 bucks for the tub.
112
00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:46,748
Then we can hide it on the roof
113
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:48,837
and install it in the middle
of the night, and then
114
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,187
we can just pretend like you
did it without our permission.
115
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,319
Or we could just...
116
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:53,885
say that you wanted a tub, too.
117
00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:56,758
How about we just keep this
a Jess and Winston thing?
118
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,281
[exhaling]
119
00:03:58,325 --> 00:03:59,500
Hey, Cece, you okay?Yeah, I'm good.
120
00:03:59,543 --> 00:04:01,371
I'm good;
just broke up with Robby.
121
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:04,461
I'll make you a drink.
122
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:06,158
What ha... what happened?
Um,
123
00:04:06,202 --> 00:04:08,639
I told him I had to start
getting serious
124
00:04:08,683 --> 00:04:12,339
about having kids and he said,
"Okay, that's cool."
125
00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:16,125
But then that's all he said
for the next eight hours,
126
00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:19,302
and he hasn't said
anything to me since.
127
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:20,303
So terrible.
128
00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:21,304
I just, I can't even...
129
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,306
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
130
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,655
I mean that's...
But I mean...
131
00:04:24,699 --> 00:04:27,484
There's... cool.
It's cool.
132
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:30,444
'Cause you're single.
You're single.Really subtle stuff.
133
00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:32,663
She's single now;
technically, you're single...
are you not single?
Schmidt!
134
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:34,143
I have to get serious
about my future,
135
00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:36,232
otherwise my mom is going
to set me up
136
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,539
with a hundred sweet, gentle,
painfully boring Indian guys.
137
00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:40,323
Oh, my God, your mother.
138
00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:42,412
[imitating the mother]:
I want to control your life.
139
00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:44,153
That's how my
parents met and they had
140
00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:45,459
a beautiful, healthy marriage.
141
00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:47,461
I respe-- I respect
your parents-- I do.
142
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:49,680
I respect everything that--
look what they've created.
143
00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:52,161
Look at that... look at
your beauty, with your hair.
144
00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:54,206
I'd eat it out of a bowl,
your hair.
145
00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:56,383
I'd put it in a bowl
and I'd eat your hair.
146
00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:57,775
CECE:
Oh, my God.
147
00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:00,691
[laughs]
148
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,345
Hey, Cece.
149
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:05,174
I-I know it's unexpected
that I'm here.
150
00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:07,568
It's because I wanted
to tell you something.
151
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,397
You're my boo.
152
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,399
You're my boo
and I'm... and I'm...
153
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:14,444
and I'm...
I been missing you.
154
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:18,274
I been missing you
oh, so long.
155
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,189
You know what's weird?
I don't find this weird anymore.What are you--
156
00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:22,147
What's your problem, Nick-- how
long you been standing there?
157
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:23,584
How much of that did you hear?
158
00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:26,587
I'm in love, man.
159
00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:28,153
I'm in love with Cece.
160
00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:29,590
Yeah, everyone knows that,
you dumb-ass.
161
00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:31,722
You always have been.I gotta tell her, man.
162
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:33,289
Well, you should do that,
Schmidty, that sounds great.
163
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,465
Do I have your blessing?Do you have myblessing?
164
00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:37,554
Yeah.
I don't think you need
my blessing, big guy.
165
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,774
Just kind of do your thing.I would like your blessing.
You're my best friend.
166
00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:42,211
I want your blessing.Schmidt, fine, you got
my blessing, okay? Just...
167
00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:43,386
What is this?
168
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:46,302
Give me a hug.
Give me a hug.
I need this.
169
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,176
Come on, please, give me,
give me a hug, Nick.
170
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,353
Please, just give me a hug!
I want-- Ow!
171
00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:57,226
Good stuff.
172
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,576
Thank you, Nick.Come on!
173
00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:02,187
All right, looks good--
no leaks.
174
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:03,406
We did it.
175
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,582
Yeah, we did.
176
00:06:05,626 --> 00:06:08,193
[groaning]Oh, my God!
177
00:06:08,237 --> 00:06:09,586
Oh, my God.
Are you seri--It's flooding!
178
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:11,414
Do something!
JESS:
No, no, no, no, no!
179
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:15,070
JESS: I've never wished
I was dead more.
180
00:06:15,113 --> 00:06:17,420
Schmidt's gonna freak out.
181
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:20,815
He once told me he spent $300
182
00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:22,294
on a pocket square.
183
00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:25,863
[yelling]:
No!
184
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,127
Am I overreacting?
185
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:30,128
Eh, that's about right.
186
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:35,482
There you go--
good as new.
187
00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:38,267
[groans]
188
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:41,052
So, I've, uh, handled
this one-man job;
189
00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:43,272
any two-man jobs
you want us to tackle?
190
00:06:43,315 --> 00:06:44,665
I think we're good.
Thanks, Remy.
191
00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:47,058
You sure there's not something
else that needs fixing?
192
00:06:47,102 --> 00:06:49,713
Maybe in the...
lady's bedroom?
193
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:52,760
[softly screeches]
194
00:06:52,803 --> 00:06:55,153
Uh, yeah, I think we're done--
thank you, Remy.
195
00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:57,678
I will return your ladder
when I feel like it.
196
00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:59,462
Thank you, bye.
[slams door]What?
197
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:00,594
He's so weird.
198
00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:02,596
Um, okay, so, phase two.
199
00:07:02,639 --> 00:07:05,686
Didn't Schmidt make us
get renter's insurance
200
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:07,688
when he almost tore down
that rafter with the sex swing?
201
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:10,081
Jess, we fake a robbery.
202
00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:11,735
We fake a robbery
for the insurance.
203
00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:12,954
That's a great idea.
204
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,042
We're a couple of meth-heads.
205
00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:15,478
Oh, yeah.
Boom.
206
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,524
[deeper voice]:
Got any meth?
207
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,526
Got any rings
on your fingers?
208
00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:21,963
I need them for meth.
209
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:24,748
Get it all, get it all, get
it all, get it all, get it all.
210
00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:26,663
Whoa! Do we have to steal
my moustache trimmer?
211
00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:29,753
This is worth three bowls
of sweet, sweet meth.
212
00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,973
[raspy breath]
[laughs]
213
00:07:32,016 --> 00:07:33,104
All right.
This? This?
No.
214
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:34,628
No.
This?
215
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:36,412
I just don't think
the meth-heads
216
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,718
would want
anything in this room.
217
00:07:39,981 --> 00:07:40,938
What about this?
218
00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:42,505
A land line?
219
00:07:42,549 --> 00:07:45,160
To me, it looks
like a meth sandwich.
220
00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:47,205
Don't hog all the meth, daddy.
221
00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:49,686
Did you hit this already?
222
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,383
No, did you?
No.
223
00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:54,865
WOMAN:
What are you doing?
224
00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:56,127
You're smothering
me, all right?
225
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:57,520
MAN:
I'm done with this!
226
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:58,956
[man continues]WOMAN:
At least leave your wallet!
227
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,610
I'm out of here!
[groans]
228
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:24,373
Would you like a whiskey?
229
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:25,679
What?I said that
230
00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:27,594
because I know you
like whiskey.
231
00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:30,205
You're a whiskey girl, like me.
232
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,729
You're a whiskey girl?
233
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,775
I'm Nick.
234
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:36,341
I'm Angie.
235
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:38,779
[laughs]: Angie...
Angie, Angie.
236
00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:39,910
Well, what are you
standing there for?
237
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,173
Go grab a bottle
and get me drunk, idiot.
238
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:44,567
Well, I-I couldn't drink
with you-- I work here.
239
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:46,351
Just kidding, I get drunk,
like, all the time.
240
00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:47,701
I've got a drinking thing.
241
00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,833
You got it.
242
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:55,360
I also have all the access
to pistachios if you want,
like, a full...
243
00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:56,710
I'll make my own mind
up on that.
244
00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:01,018
SCHMIDT:
He took my doctor's
appointment suit!
245
00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:03,194
He took El Capitan!
246
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:04,761
[door slams]Damn it!
247
00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:05,936
The only thing he left was
my summer suit
248
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,590
with the lightning bolt
on the back.
249
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:10,158
I keep that in my
summer bin along with
250
00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:12,029
my summer condoms--
citrus-flavored,
251
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:13,857
for a more refreshing
summer experience.
252
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:15,685
That's a jar...yeah.Jar for sure, yeah.
253
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,776
Look at this--
took my suits.
254
00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:20,821
Left the...
left the douche bag jar.
255
00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:22,083
Typical meth-head.
256
00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:24,302
Typical meth-head.Yeah, it's a shame.
257
00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:25,608
Good thing that I have
a security camera in there.
258
00:09:25,652 --> 00:09:27,262
I'm gonna download
the footage
259
00:09:27,305 --> 00:09:28,611
and I.D. this S.O.B.
260
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:30,091
He's going down.
261
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:35,009
NICK:
I respect the amount you drink--
oh, FYI these drinks
262
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:36,227
aren't free.Wow, well, joke's
263
00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:37,751
on you 'cause Mike left
264
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:38,795
with all my money.
265
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:40,014
Oh, really!
266
00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:41,798
Then how are you gonna
pay for the drinks?
267
00:09:41,842 --> 00:09:44,409
Oh... probably with sex?
268
00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:45,410
[spits]
269
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:46,977
[laughs]
270
00:09:47,021 --> 00:09:48,805
Sorry...
271
00:09:48,849 --> 00:09:50,851
That is not pretty.
272
00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:52,069
Well...
273
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:53,810
I was gonna let you
have sex with Mike.
274
00:09:53,854 --> 00:09:55,856
Oh...
What? It's good.
275
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,988
That was an old switcheroo.
276
00:09:58,032 --> 00:10:00,774
I just want to say
you two, uh...
277
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,123
What?
278
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:03,690
No, I don't want to say.Come on, what?
279
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:05,474
I don't want to say.
I don't feel like it's--No, say it.
280
00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:07,737
The point is it's not my...What are you afraid of?
281
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:09,696
You're thinking it--I'm not afraid of it, but...
He's kind of an ass-- damn it!
282
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:12,829
That's--
You think I should
break up with Mike?
283
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:15,092
No, no, that is not
my place to...
284
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:17,486
Well, you did;
it is your place...But I've been drinking with you,
285
00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:20,663
and I feel like you're
luring me in... Dump his ass!...who are you--
286
00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:25,537
Damn it.
287
00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,757
I can't believe
you'd say that to me.
288
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:28,932
You should mind
your own business.
289
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:32,762
So many years of footage.
290
00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:33,981
This is
from last May.
291
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:35,852
I was trying to add
an extra ab muscle.
292
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,158
Jess, I can't take this...
293
00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:38,855
This is when I was experimenting
with faux hawks.
294
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:41,336
I can't, I can't,
I can't take it, Jess.You can.
295
00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:42,859
You're gonna blow this.My face is numb.
296
00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:44,905
This is when I was lowering
my bar sexually.
297
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:47,342
Why is my face numb?Okay, I'm gonna
say this once.
298
00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:48,952
Tighten up.Yeah. Okay, yeah.
299
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,258
I can't believe
this is happening.
300
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:51,389
It's such an important day.
301
00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:52,913
What's happening today?
302
00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,392
I just have to look good.
303
00:10:54,436 --> 00:10:57,091
Okay? Not like
some Ukrainian dentist.
304
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,400
Oh, my God.
305
00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,185
[breathing deeply]
306
00:11:04,228 --> 00:11:05,882
Jess, I'm dying.What's wrong with you.
307
00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:06,709
I'm dying, Jess.
308
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:10,931
Jess, pretend you're
not seeing this...
309
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:13,760
Schmidt, this isn't
a good time.
310
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,892
Cece, please.
311
00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:17,938
Just... just open the box.
312
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,812
[cooing]
313
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:23,944
You brought a pigeon
into my house?
314
00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:26,207
I couldn't find a dove.
Come on, Beatty.
315
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,904
[kicks table,
imitates pigeon cooing]
316
00:11:27,948 --> 00:11:29,514
[paper flapping]
317
00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:31,386
It's... it was supposed to fly
out when you opened up the lid.
318
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:34,911
What are you doing?I love you, Cece.
319
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:39,350
And I have been in love
with you for so long.
320
00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:41,744
I used to think
321
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:44,965
it was just
a heavy like, but...
322
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:47,402
it's love.
323
00:11:50,231 --> 00:11:52,320
There it goes.
Is this real?
324
00:11:52,363 --> 00:11:53,974
For you?
325
00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:55,758
Yes.
326
00:11:56,977 --> 00:11:59,370
Cece, I'm ready for
a serious commitment.
327
00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:01,329
I'm up for a huge
promotion at work.
328
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,984
I'm ready to have kids with you,
if that's what you want.
329
00:12:04,027 --> 00:12:05,855
You want to have kids?
330
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,335
Let's go right now,
let's go make a kid.
331
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:08,989
Take your top off.
332
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:10,817
Schmidt, my mother...
333
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:12,775
she's gonna hate you.
334
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:14,995
Okay? You're Jewish.
335
00:12:15,038 --> 00:12:17,780
She hates Jews; I mean,
she really hates them.
336
00:12:17,824 --> 00:12:18,999
Everybody hates the Jews.
337
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,391
Your mom's in the majority.
338
00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:24,221
I'll convert to Indianism.
339
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:27,007
Hindi... Hindi-is...eh?
340
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:29,270
Indiani-Indi...
Indi-Buddhi-ism?
341
00:12:29,313 --> 00:12:30,793
[stammering]
342
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:34,057
Schmidt, we have so much
going against us.
343
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:36,059
Let's have dinner.
Tonight.
344
00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:41,717
Okay.
345
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:42,805
Cool. Knock ya' out, cool.
346
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:45,199
Just give me a second.
347
00:12:48,419 --> 00:12:52,684
Ah... yes!
348
00:12:52,728 --> 00:12:54,512
[whispering]:
I'm sorry.
349
00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:00,867
Winston, are you
out of your head?
WINSTON:
Security camera.
350
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,912
What are you doing?Schmidt has a security camera.
351
00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,958
Why did I think he didn't
have a security camera?
352
00:13:05,001 --> 00:13:06,742
Oh. You're a briefs man.
353
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,613
I was hoping
I'd never find out.
354
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:10,311
Oh, my goodness, we should not
have gone for that tub.
355
00:13:10,354 --> 00:13:13,009
I just like
bubbles so much...
356
00:13:13,053 --> 00:13:14,402
Winston, I think you're
having a panic attack.
357
00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:15,838
Hmm?
358
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:18,710
Shut up, hey, Jess, no.
359
00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:22,236
I'm, uh... this is
just the willies.
360
00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:24,673
The w... the what?
The... the willies?
361
00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:25,979
The willies, yeah.
It's the same thing
362
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,632
that happened when I
took my driver's test.
363
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:29,721
Go ahead and
start the car.
364
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:32,899
[screaming]
365
00:13:32,942 --> 00:13:34,291
No! No!
366
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:37,251
[screaming]
367
00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:39,209
A lot of people
get panic attacks.
368
00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:40,428
The willies.
My dad used to
get them all the time.
369
00:13:40,471 --> 00:13:42,343
Like, every time
he had to make a left turn.
370
00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:43,997
It would take him
two and a half hours
371
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,520
to drive me to school.
372
00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:47,304
We'd just drive all around
Portland, making right turns.
373
00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:49,045
[chuckles]
374
00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:50,873
Okay.
It's okay.
375
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:53,484
Okay.
It's really okay.
376
00:13:53,528 --> 00:13:55,051
Are you going to tell
anybody about my underwear?
377
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:57,793
Look, I really want to.
378
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,230
But I won't.
379
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:01,971
Where is he?It's over, Mike.
380
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:03,886
Where's Nick?Just stop...
just stop it.
381
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:06,715
Hey. You Nick?
382
00:14:06,758 --> 00:14:08,108
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm not Nick.
383
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:09,936
Nick has pinkeye!
I'm Ricardo!
384
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:12,025
Let Nick go!Ricardo? Ricardo?
This is Nick, huh?
385
00:14:12,068 --> 00:14:15,942
[speaking fake Spanish]You're a dead man!
I'm gonna-- [groans]
386
00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:17,160
I had it handled!
387
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:18,901
He was gonna kill you.
I've seen him do it.
388
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:20,903
I know someone at work
who can stitch him up.Okay, let's get him
389
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:22,687
stitched up right now.
This is disgusting.
Okay.
390
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:24,080
SCHMIDT:
I'm out there every night,
391
00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:25,386
balling to the max,
392
00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:26,909
and you expect me
to do what,
393
00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:28,128
just stop and chew up
394
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:29,825
some cherry-flavored multi-V?
395
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,348
No, thanks.
396
00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:34,090
I'll take my vitamins
on the rocks. Double V.
397
00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:37,180
Heart. Spirit. Body. Party.
398
00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:39,791
You gotta get specific
about this vodka.
399
00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:41,141
Have you tried Double V?No.
400
00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:42,490
Let's open up this bitch.
401
00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:44,100
Let's open up... okay.
402
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:46,537
Um... I kind of...We're going to do
every vitamin,
403
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:48,975
in alphabetical order.
Each shot that you do
404
00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:50,933
makes me know you're
going that extra mile.
405
00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:53,936
Emma, I really...Is there something more
important than work?
406
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,329
What?
Okay.
407
00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:57,113
But you said...
No, I...
no, no, no.
408
00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:58,288
Let's-let's just...
all right, we'll do it.
409
00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:00,116
JESS:
Don't feel weird, Winston.
410
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:01,509
Everybody has their
weird thing.
411
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,163
Even me.
412
00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:06,557
Look, I'm gonna tell you
something about myself.
413
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:10,126
I am really claustrophobic.
414
00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:12,433
Jess, I don't believe you.No, seriously, watch.
415
00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:19,527
You seem fine to me.I seem fine,
416
00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:22,138
but if I close the door,
417
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:25,315
it's gonna feel
like I'm dying...
418
00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:28,188
even more than
419
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,537
a real death.
420
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:33,019
It just feels like death...
plus more death.
421
00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:34,498
Okay, this is silly.
Just come on.
422
00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:36,109
But I'm gonna be okay, because
I know you're out there.
423
00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:37,980
Mm-hmm.And you can help me...
424
00:15:38,024 --> 00:15:39,547
[gasping]:
Oh, my God...
425
00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:40,983
Okay...
426
00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:42,854
[gasping]
427
00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:44,682
Oh, my God. Let me out!Jess, this is not...
this is not funny, Jess.
428
00:15:44,726 --> 00:15:46,032
Can you open up the door?Jess?
429
00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,381
It's closed!
430
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:49,209
[moaning]Oh, my God, Jess,
the door is stuck.
431
00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:51,124
It's so hot in here!Jess, the door is stuck!
432
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,430
Oh, my God!Jess, come on, now,
this is not funny.
433
00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:56,216
Oh, my God... Oh, my God... Oh!Jess, this is not...
oh, my goodness, is it hot?
434
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:59,001
NICK:
So you're not a nurse?
ANGIE:
Who said I was a nurse?
435
00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:01,047
Stitches-- you said somebody
at work can do stitches.
436
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:02,439
Who does stitches
at a strip club?
437
00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:03,788
STEVE:
Someone need stitches?
438
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:05,181
Let me get my needle
and my bifocals.
439
00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:07,053
Be right back.
440
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:09,838
Okay, let's get you down
right next to that dirty pole.
441
00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:11,057
There-- That's--
Okay, good.
442
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:14,016
Really... really nice place.
443
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,887
Uh, this is where you work.
444
00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:17,672
You the ticket-taker?
445
00:16:17,715 --> 00:16:19,021
No, I'm a stripper.
Yeah.
446
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,805
But what is it
that you do here?
447
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:23,199
Stripper.Because college is so
expensive these...
448
00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:26,246
I'm a stripper.But only topless.
449
00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:27,160
Completely naked.TIFFANY:
Mike, where's my taco?
450
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:29,075
What happened? What happened?
451
00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:31,077
Uh, he remembered that
he was married to you,
452
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,644
so he tried to beat the memory
out of his brain with a brick.
453
00:16:33,688 --> 00:16:35,081
Oh, he's married...You stupid bitch!
454
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,517
Oh, not okay!
455
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,693
[women shouting]Ladies!
456
00:16:38,736 --> 00:16:41,826
Stop fighting! Hey, hey!
Stop this now!
457
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:44,481
Don't stop this!
I'm super aroused!
458
00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:46,266
I think I just
became a dirt bag.
459
00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:48,703
Why did I cross the bar?
Agh!
460
00:16:51,706 --> 00:16:53,316
I did it.
461
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,884
I'm here for dinner.
I made it.
It's really late.
462
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,712
We got the account.
I was with my boss,
we got the account.
463
00:16:57,755 --> 00:17:00,758
We did it.You were with your boss?
464
00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:02,195
What?
465
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:04,284
No.
The woman who made
you sign a contract
466
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:06,242
so she could have sex
with you, your boss?
No.
467
00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:08,114
No. Uh...
468
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:09,550
Yeah.
Yeah.
469
00:17:09,593 --> 00:17:10,986
No... but nothing happened.
470
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,467
She just wanted me
to taste the V.
471
00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:14,772
That came out wrong.
472
00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:16,209
Yeah.
I thought about...
473
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:18,254
I thought about
the boss's boobs once.
474
00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:21,214
They're still real nice,
475
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:24,130
but I didn't have no connection
to them emotionally, whatsoever.
476
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:25,696
Nothing.
477
00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:30,440
Cece, I can pay
for our baby's college now.
478
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:32,312
Literally anywhere
they want to go.
479
00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:35,315
UCLA, UMass...
any of the U schools.
480
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:38,318
I love you so much.You should probably...
481
00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:39,841
Oh, not...
482
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:46,978
It's okay.
483
00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:53,985
Cece, I'm gonna
pee in my summer suit.
484
00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:56,249
Hey, Mom, it's me.
485
00:17:56,292 --> 00:17:58,468
I think I'm ready to
have you set me up.
486
00:17:58,512 --> 00:18:00,775
This is not a prank.
Call me back.
487
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:06,694
Oh, thank God.
WINSTON:
Oh, my goodness.
488
00:18:06,737 --> 00:18:08,913
Thank you, man.
REMY:
I see.
489
00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:11,133
If you guys have been
playing hard to get,
490
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:12,308
you don't have to.
491
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:13,527
I am totally ready
492
00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:16,443
to get mixed up in this
choco-vanilla shake.
493
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:19,576
No.
494
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:21,187
REMY: Yeah, you know what
I'm talking about here.
495
00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:22,492
I'm just talking about...Yes... I know, I know.
496
00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:24,146
We got it, we got it, Remy.
497
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,061
...doing it with-with
both of you.
We got it. Yeah.
498
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,280
REMY:
Three...
499
00:18:28,368 --> 00:18:30,587
This never happened.
[quietly] Okay.
500
00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:34,548
Jess, I just want
to say thank you.
501
00:18:34,591 --> 00:18:35,940
You know, I thought
I was the only crazy one,
502
00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:37,551
but it turns out
you're nuts as well.
503
00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:40,031
Oh, I'm straight-up
bananas, Winston.
504
00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:42,077
Next time that happens to you,
505
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,819
just come to me, and I'll
help you keep your pants on.
506
00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:48,214
So what are we gonna do
about Schmidt's suits?
507
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:50,433
I feel like there's
a very obvious solution.
508
00:18:51,608 --> 00:18:53,393
[Jess and Winston grunting]
509
00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:55,612
SCHMIDT:
Oh, come on! Again?
510
00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:58,659
[both panting, coughing]
511
00:18:58,702 --> 00:19:01,662
Thank God.
The meth-heads came back.
512
00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:03,664
They brought your suits back
'cause they don't fit them.
513
00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:05,405
They did the right thing,
'cause they're
514
00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:07,363
drug addicts,
they're not monsters.
Right.
515
00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:09,365
They actually got them
dry-cleaned, um...
Mm-hmm.
516
00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:10,975
deluxe package, very pricey.Yeah, yeah.
517
00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:12,238
Why'd he tie you up?
518
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,804
They kept saying, like,
519
00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:16,111
"Ah, I'm so hungry for
more meth," you know?
520
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,331
"Let's get rid of these suits.
521
00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:21,203
These clean... suits."
522
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:22,552
Jess and I want a tub.
523
00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:24,380
We want candles
and bubbles.
524
00:19:24,424 --> 00:19:26,426
Oh, damn it, Schmidt,
we want bubbles, man.
525
00:19:26,469 --> 00:19:29,429
I want to cover everything
up on my body with bubbles.
526
00:19:29,472 --> 00:19:30,821
You know, and then just
blow 'em off like this...
527
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,693
and laugh, like...
528
00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:35,217
Get a tub, man.
Let's get a tub; I don't care.
529
00:19:35,261 --> 00:19:36,697
Hey.
You okay?
530
00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:38,307
What's wrong?
531
00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:42,093
I told Cece that I loved her.
532
00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:45,619
Then I got drunk,
and she called her mom, and...
533
00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:47,360
[sighs]
534
00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:49,971
She's going brown.
535
00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:53,104
She wants to marry a brown man.
536
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,459
Schmidt...
Schmidt!
537
00:19:59,502 --> 00:20:00,808
Hey, man.
Hey...
538
00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:03,245
Hey, hey, hey, hey.Hold it right there.
539
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,942
Let it go, man.[sniffs]
540
00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:07,467
Let it go.
Okay.
541
00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:13,473
How'd you guys
get out of your ties?
542
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:14,561
♪
543
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,000
Hey...
544
00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:21,176
Hey.
545
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,438
What can I get you
to drink, Angie?
546
00:20:22,482 --> 00:20:23,874
Oh, no, I don't...
547
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:27,443
I just want to...
hang out.
548
00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:29,271
I've got this rule.
549
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:31,273
Never cross the bar.
550
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,362
And I broke that rule, and...
551
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:36,496
Look, these 18 inches of oak
552
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:39,194
are the only thing
that separates me
553
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,369
from guys like Sid over there.
554
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,764
No disrespect.
I got your next round.
555
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:45,418
Well, I don't have any rules.
556
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:49,073
Don't do... don't...
557
00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:50,945
No customers...
558
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,382
...behind the bar.
559
00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:03,740
Oh, Sid, you gotta...
You're killing me.
560
00:21:03,784 --> 00:21:06,352
Sit down and
drink your beer.
561
00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:09,093
I'm a man with feelings.
562
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:12,140
Feelings that are bubbling up
inside of me, and...
563
00:21:12,183 --> 00:21:13,097
[sighs]
564
00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:15,099
...they're about to explode.
565
00:21:15,143 --> 00:21:17,406
I'd like for those feelings
to explode on you.
566
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,106
You got this, dawg.
Look at you, dawg.
567
00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:23,543
Look at you!
568
00:21:23,586 --> 00:21:25,109
Look at your face, dawg!
569
00:21:25,153 --> 00:21:26,502
Look at your face!
570
00:21:26,546 --> 00:21:27,547
You got this, son!
571
00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:30,506
♪ Well, I love you
572
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,900
♪ And I've never
said those words ♪
573
00:21:32,943 --> 00:21:36,947
♪ Well, I love you,
from the bo... ♪
38800
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