Original subtitles

I can't believe they're playing these old matches.

Man, these were legendary.Camel clutch!

Schmidt, that's not a camel clutch.Ah, here we go.

That is a camel clutch.

Gentlemen, hi.

I'd just like a moment of your time.

Jess, you can't turn that off.If I may.

[men chatter, groan]I have a word that's gonna change your life.

The answer is already "no."

Bathtub. Bathtub's two words.

It's one word.Bathtub is two words.

How come I'm James Brown?

When you don't smile

for my pictures, you get replaced.

You come home

after a long, hard day at work.

Tired.You want to relax, but how?

How about soaking

in a glorious bubbly pool for one?

Sipping the nectar of the gods.

I don't get it-- is this bath water?

Might as well be; it's rosé.

Burn notice, France.

Now that I'm working again,Don't do this.

I'd really love to come home

and soak in a beautiful bathtub.

Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons-- pass.

Yeah, it's a waste of money, Jess.

I'm not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes.

Loft vote.

No. No.

Feel like I'm at a garden party, haven't even left home.

Winston, what are you talking about-- loft vote, no.

What, yeah, no, duh, of course.Raise your hand.

Okay, you know what-- loft vote...MEN: Nay.

Loft vote.MEN: Nay.

wrestling back on. Loft vote, I'm turning

Yeah. Yeah.

Camel clutch! Camel clutch!No.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Who's that girl?♪

♪ It's Jess.

[sighs]

[whistles]

Hey, Schmidt.

Ooh, hey. Want to pitch on the new Double V campaign?

I'm all about the Double V-- what is that?

It's a new vodka, yeah.

Filled with vitamins-- Double V?

What do you think?

You know, I've never been considered

to run an account before.

Wait a... Wait, is this just...

Is this because we used to... bingity-bangity?

No, of course not.

Take a look at the specs

and come into my office tomorrow in your best suit,

and, uh, blow me away with your take.

My best suit-- I can put on my best suit.

Okay.

Wasted project, Nick, huh?

Herringbone?!

How did you get in here?

JESS: To Schmidt.

Sleeping his way to the top.

Cheers to me.

NICK: I hope you like it.

I poured that one for you.

Drink it up.

This is coming off weird-- it's creepy, right?

Go get her.I can't do that.

I can't talk to Thirsty.Thirsty?

I don't know her name, so I call her Thirsty.

Thirsty Mendelson.Oh, you made her Jewish?

I didn't make her Jewish.Mendelson? She's not Jewish?

Well, Thirsty.If her last name's Mendelson, she's Jewish.

Tell you what her first name is, too-- it's Rachel.

Get out of my head-- you're kind of ruining

my thing right now.

What I have with Thirsty is perfect.

She's surly like I'm surly,

and she rolls her eyes at everybody

like I roll my eyes at everybody.

She likes to drink in the afternoon.

And I like to drink in the afternoon.

Go talk to her.No, I can't.

That breaks the first rule

of bartending-- never cross the bar.

'Cause once you cross the bar, it gets messy.

[shouts] Rudy just wants her $200 back.

Come on, neither of you has the right bra for this.

Excuse me, have you seen Rhonda?

Have you seen the ferret lady?

Why am I doing this?!

[shrieking]

Never cross the bar.

Your rules have gotten you so far.

Classic Nick Miller.You got it.

Jess.

You want to help me at the jukebox really quick?

Oh, my God, yes-- I've always wanted to do this with you.

Well, I was gonna go "Raspberry Beret," but...

You know, if we're gonna go Prince, I think we should go, like--

Jess, I want to talk to you about your bathtub pitch.

I love baths-- I do.

Back in Latvia, we had a great tub.

But I tell you what-- there are parts of my butt

only a tub can clean.

Ew, but okay!

Okay, here's what we're gonna do,

so the guys don't know.

We're gonna split the 400 bucks for the tub.

Then we can hide it on the roof

and install it in the middle of the night, and then

we can just pretend like you did it without our permission.

Or we could just...

say that you wanted a tub, too.

How about we just keep this a Jess and Winston thing?

[exhaling]

Hey, Cece, you okay?Yeah, I'm good.

I'm good; just broke up with Robby.

I'll make you a drink.

What ha... what happened? Um,

I told him I had to start getting serious

about having kids and he said, "Okay, that's cool."

But then that's all he said for the next eight hours,

and he hasn't said anything to me since.

So terrible.

I just, I can't even...

Mm-hmm. Wow.

I mean that's... But I mean...

There's... cool. It's cool.

'Cause you're single. You're single.Really subtle stuff.

She's single now; technically, you're single... are you not single? Schmidt!

I have to get serious about my future,

otherwise my mom is going to set me up

with a hundred sweet, gentle, painfully boring Indian guys.

Oh, my God, your mother.

[imitating the mother]: I want to control your life.

That's how my parents met and they had

a beautiful, healthy marriage.

I respe-- I respect your parents-- I do.

I respect everything that-- look what they've created.

Look at that... look at your beauty, with your hair.

I'd eat it out of a bowl, your hair.

I'd put it in a bowl and I'd eat your hair.

CECE: Oh, my God.

[laughs]

Hey, Cece.

I-I know it's unexpected that I'm here.

It's because I wanted to tell you something.

You're my boo.

You're my boo and I'm... and I'm...

and I'm... I been missing you.

I been missing you oh, so long.

You know what's weird? I don't find this weird anymore.What are you--

What's your problem, Nick-- how long you been standing there?

How much of that did you hear?

I'm in love, man.

I'm in love with Cece.

Yeah, everyone knows that, you dumb-ass.

You always have been.I gotta tell her, man.

Well, you should do that, Schmidty, that sounds great.

Do I have your blessing?Do you have myblessing?

Yeah. I don't think you need my blessing, big guy.

Just kind of do your thing.I would like your blessing. You're my best friend.

I want your blessing.Schmidt, fine, you got my blessing, okay? Just...

What is this?

Give me a hug. Give me a hug. I need this.

Come on, please, give me, give me a hug, Nick.

Please, just give me a hug! I want-- Ow!

Good stuff.

Thank you, Nick.Come on!

All right, looks good-- no leaks.

We did it.

Yeah, we did.

[groaning]Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Are you seri--It's flooding!

Do something! JESS: No, no, no, no, no!

JESS: I've never wished I was dead more.

Schmidt's gonna freak out.

He once told me he spent $300

on a pocket square.

[yelling]: No!

Am I overreacting?

Eh, that's about right.

There you go-- good as new.

[groans]

So, I've, uh, handled this one-man job;

any two-man jobs you want us to tackle?

I think we're good. Thanks, Remy.

You sure there's not something else that needs fixing?

Maybe in the... lady's bedroom?

[softly screeches]

Uh, yeah, I think we're done-- thank you, Remy.

I will return your ladder when I feel like it.

Thank you, bye. [slams door]What?

He's so weird.

Um, okay, so, phase two.

Didn't Schmidt make us get renter's insurance

when he almost tore down that rafter with the sex swing?

Jess, we fake a robbery.

We fake a robbery for the insurance.

That's a great idea.

We're a couple of meth-heads.

Oh, yeah. Boom.

[deeper voice]: Got any meth?

Got any rings on your fingers?

I need them for meth.

Get it all, get it all, get it all, get it all, get it all.

Whoa! Do we have to steal my moustache trimmer?

This is worth three bowls of sweet, sweet meth.

[raspy breath] [laughs]

All right. This? This? No.

No. This?

I just don't think the meth-heads

would want anything in this room.

What about this?

A land line?

To me, it looks like a meth sandwich.

Don't hog all the meth, daddy.

Did you hit this already?

No, did you? No.

WOMAN: What are you doing?

You're smothering me, all right?

MAN: I'm done with this!

[man continues]WOMAN: At least leave your wallet!

I'm out of here! [groans]

Would you like a whiskey?

What?I said that

because I know you like whiskey.

You're a whiskey girl, like me.

You're a whiskey girl?

I'm Nick.

I'm Angie.

[laughs]: Angie... Angie, Angie.

Well, what are you standing there for?

Go grab a bottle and get me drunk, idiot.

Well, I-I couldn't drink with you-- I work here.

Just kidding, I get drunk, like, all the time.

I've got a drinking thing.

You got it.

I also have all the access to pistachios if you want, like, a full...

I'll make my own mind up on that.

SCHMIDT: He took my doctor's appointment suit!

He took El Capitan!

[door slams]Damn it!

The only thing he left was my summer suit

with the lightning bolt on the back.

I keep that in my summer bin along with

my summer condoms-- citrus-flavored,

for a more refreshing summer experience.

That's a jar...yeah.Jar for sure, yeah.

Look at this-- took my suits.

Left the... left the douche bag jar.

Typical meth-head.

Typical meth-head.Yeah, it's a shame.

Good thing that I have a security camera in there.

I'm gonna download the footage

and I.D. this S.O.B.

He's going down.

NICK: I respect the amount you drink-- oh, FYI these drinks

aren't free.Wow, well, joke's

on you 'cause Mike left

with all my money.

Oh, really!

Then how are you gonna pay for the drinks?

Oh... probably with sex?

[spits]

[laughs]

Sorry...

That is not pretty.

Well...

I was gonna let you have sex with Mike.

Oh... What? It's good.

That was an old switcheroo.

I just want to say you two, uh...

What?

No, I don't want to say.Come on, what?

I don't want to say. I don't feel like it's--No, say it.

The point is it's not my...What are you afraid of?

You're thinking it--I'm not afraid of it, but... He's kind of an ass-- damn it!

That's-- You think I should break up with Mike?

No, no, that is not my place to...

Well, you did; it is your place...But I've been drinking with you,

and I feel like you're luring me in... Dump his ass!...who are you--

Damn it.

I can't believe you'd say that to me.

You should mind your own business.

So many years of footage.

This is from last May.

I was trying to add an extra ab muscle.

Jess, I can't take this...

This is when I was experimenting with faux hawks.

I can't, I can't, I can't take it, Jess.You can.

You're gonna blow this.My face is numb.

This is when I was lowering my bar sexually.

Why is my face numb?Okay, I'm gonna say this once.

Tighten up.Yeah. Okay, yeah.

I can't believe this is happening.

It's such an important day.

What's happening today?

I just have to look good.

Okay? Not like some Ukrainian dentist.

Oh, my God.

[breathing deeply]

Jess, I'm dying.What's wrong with you.

I'm dying, Jess.

Jess, pretend you're not seeing this...

Schmidt, this isn't a good time.

Cece, please.

Just... just open the box.

[cooing]

You brought a pigeon into my house?

I couldn't find a dove. Come on, Beatty.

[kicks table, imitates pigeon cooing]

[paper flapping]

It's... it was supposed to fly out when you opened up the lid.

What are you doing?I love you, Cece.

And I have been in love with you for so long.

I used to think

it was just a heavy like, but...

it's love.

There it goes. Is this real?

For you?

Yes.

Cece, I'm ready for a serious commitment.

I'm up for a huge promotion at work.

I'm ready to have kids with you, if that's what you want.

You want to have kids?

Let's go right now, let's go make a kid.

Take your top off.

Schmidt, my mother...

she's gonna hate you.

Okay? You're Jewish.

She hates Jews; I mean, she really hates them.

Everybody hates the Jews.

Your mom's in the majority.

I'll convert to Indianism.

Hindi... Hindi-is...eh?

Indiani-Indi... Indi-Buddhi-ism?

[stammering]

Schmidt, we have so much going against us.

Let's have dinner. Tonight.

Okay.

Cool. Knock ya' out, cool.

Just give me a second.

Ah... yes!

[whispering]: I'm sorry.

Winston, are you out of your head? WINSTON: Security camera.

What are you doing?Schmidt has a security camera.

Why did I think he didn't have a security camera?

Oh. You're a briefs man.

I was hoping I'd never find out.

Oh, my goodness, we should not have gone for that tub.

I just like bubbles so much...

Winston, I think you're having a panic attack.

Hmm?

Shut up, hey, Jess, no.

I'm, uh... this is just the willies.

The w... the what? The... the willies?

The willies, yeah. It's the same thing

that happened when I took my driver's test.

Go ahead and start the car.

[screaming]

No! No!

[screaming]

A lot of people get panic attacks.

The willies. My dad used to get them all the time.

Like, every time he had to make a left turn.

It would take him two and a half hours

to drive me to school.

We'd just drive all around Portland, making right turns.

[chuckles]

Okay. It's okay.

Okay. It's really okay.

Are you going to tell anybody about my underwear?

Look, I really want to.

But I won't.

Where is he?It's over, Mike.

Where's Nick?Just stop... just stop it.

Hey. You Nick?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not Nick.

Nick has pinkeye! I'm Ricardo!

Let Nick go!Ricardo? Ricardo? This is Nick, huh?

[speaking fake Spanish]You're a dead man! I'm gonna-- [groans]

I had it handled!

He was gonna kill you. I've seen him do it.

I know someone at work who can stitch him up.Okay, let's get him

stitched up right now. This is disgusting. Okay.

SCHMIDT: I'm out there every night,

balling to the max,

and you expect me to do what,

just stop and chew up

some cherry-flavored multi-V?

No, thanks.

I'll take my vitamins on the rocks. Double V.

Heart. Spirit. Body. Party.

You gotta get specific about this vodka.

Have you tried Double V?No.

Let's open up this bitch.

Let's open up... okay.

Um... I kind of...We're going to do every vitamin,

in alphabetical order. Each shot that you do

makes me know you're going that extra mile.

Emma, I really...Is there something more important than work?

What? Okay.

But you said... No, I... no, no, no.

Let's-let's just... all right, we'll do it.

JESS: Don't feel weird, Winston.

Everybody has their weird thing.

Even me.

Look, I'm gonna tell you something about myself.

I am really claustrophobic.

Jess, I don't believe you.No, seriously, watch.

You seem fine to me.I seem fine,

but if I close the door,

it's gonna feel like I'm dying...

even more than

a real death.

It just feels like death... plus more death.

Okay, this is silly. Just come on.

But I'm gonna be okay, because I know you're out there.

Mm-hmm.And you can help me...

[gasping]: Oh, my God...

Okay...

[gasping]

Oh, my God. Let me out!Jess, this is not... this is not funny, Jess.

Can you open up the door?Jess?

It's closed!

[moaning]Oh, my God, Jess, the door is stuck.

It's so hot in here!Jess, the door is stuck!

Oh, my God!Jess, come on, now, this is not funny.

Oh, my God... Oh, my God... Oh!Jess, this is not... oh, my goodness, is it hot?

NICK: So you're not a nurse? ANGIE: Who said I was a nurse?

Stitches-- you said somebody at work can do stitches.

Who does stitches at a strip club?

STEVE: Someone need stitches?

Let me get my needle and my bifocals.

Be right back.

Okay, let's get you down right next to that dirty pole.

There-- That's-- Okay, good.

Really... really nice place.

Uh, this is where you work.

You the ticket-taker?

No, I'm a stripper. Yeah.

But what is it that you do here?

Stripper.Because college is so expensive these...

I'm a stripper.But only topless.

Completely naked.TIFFANY: Mike, where's my taco?

What happened? What happened?

Uh, he remembered that he was married to you,

so he tried to beat the memory out of his brain with a brick.

Oh, he's married...You stupid bitch!

Oh, not okay!

[women shouting]Ladies!

Stop fighting! Hey, hey! Stop this now!

Don't stop this! I'm super aroused!

I think I just became a dirt bag.

Why did I cross the bar? Agh!

I did it.

I'm here for dinner. I made it. It's really late.

We got the account. I was with my boss, we got the account.

We did it.You were with your boss?

What?

No. The woman who made you sign a contract

so she could have sex with you, your boss? No.

No. Uh...

Yeah. Yeah.

No... but nothing happened.

She just wanted me to taste the V.

That came out wrong.

Yeah. I thought about...

I thought about the boss's boobs once.

They're still real nice,

but I didn't have no connection to them emotionally, whatsoever.

Nothing.

Cece, I can pay for our baby's college now.

Literally anywhere they want to go.

UCLA, UMass... any of the U schools.

I love you so much.You should probably...

Oh, not...

It's okay.

Cece, I'm gonna pee in my summer suit.

Hey, Mom, it's me.

I think I'm ready to have you set me up.

This is not a prank. Call me back.

Oh, thank God. WINSTON: Oh, my goodness.

Thank you, man. REMY: I see.

If you guys have been playing hard to get,

you don't have to.

I am totally ready

to get mixed up in this choco-vanilla shake.

No.

REMY: Yeah, you know what I'm talking about here.

I'm just talking about...Yes... I know, I know.

We got it, we got it, Remy.

...doing it with-with both of you. We got it. Yeah.

REMY: Three...

This never happened. [quietly] Okay.

Jess, I just want to say thank you.

You know, I thought I was the only crazy one,

but it turns out you're nuts as well.

Oh, I'm straight-up bananas, Winston.

Next time that happens to you,

just come to me, and I'll help you keep your pants on.

So what are we gonna do about Schmidt's suits?

I feel like there's a very obvious solution.

[Jess and Winston grunting]

SCHMIDT: Oh, come on! Again?

[both panting, coughing]

Thank God. The meth-heads came back.

They brought your suits back 'cause they don't fit them.

They did the right thing, 'cause they're

drug addicts, they're not monsters. Right.

They actually got them dry-cleaned, um... Mm-hmm.

deluxe package, very pricey.Yeah, yeah.

Why'd he tie you up?

They kept saying, like,

"Ah, I'm so hungry for more meth," you know?

"Let's get rid of these suits.

These clean... suits."

Jess and I want a tub.

We want candles and bubbles.

Oh, damn it, Schmidt, we want bubbles, man.

I want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles.

You know, and then just blow 'em off like this...

and laugh, like...

Get a tub, man. Let's get a tub; I don't care.

Hey. You okay?

What's wrong?

I told Cece that I loved her.

Then I got drunk, and she called her mom, and...

[sighs]

She's going brown.

She wants to marry a brown man.

Schmidt... Schmidt!

Hey, man. Hey...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.Hold it right there.

Let it go, man.[sniffs]

Let it go. Okay.

How'd you guys get out of your ties?

♪

Hey...

Hey.

What can I get you to drink, Angie?

Oh, no, I don't...

I just want to... hang out.

I've got this rule.

Never cross the bar.

And I broke that rule, and...

Look, these 18 inches of oak

are the only thing that separates me

from guys like Sid over there.

No disrespect. I got your next round.

Well, I don't have any rules.

Don't do... don't...

No customers...

...behind the bar.

Oh, Sid, you gotta... You're killing me.

Sit down and drink your beer.

I'm a man with feelings.

Feelings that are bubbling up inside of me, and...

[sighs]

...they're about to explode.

I'd like for those feelings to explode on you.

You got this, dawg. Look at you, dawg.

Look at you!

Look at your face, dawg!

Look at your face!

You got this, son!

♪ Well, I love you

♪ And I've never said those words ♪

♪ Well, I love you, from the bo... ♪