Original subtitles

Okay, gas, electric, and cable

comes out to $219.34.

Jessica?

Do you have anything to contribute?

Here we go.They're not all legal tenders,

but they have value, like...Sure.

That's $5.00. $5.00.

Library card.

Library's not just for books anymore. Mm-hmm.

Library card.Also, you can check out compact discs.

What else? This is a fortune. Um, yeah.

"You are lucky and success." How ironic.

That's going right to the gas company. "Paid in full."

Jess, we can't keep covering for you.

Yes. I understand.

It's just that, um...

recently I went through a, uh, life change

where I was fired.

Maybe I can borrow

the money from my good friend... Winston?

You know, I really wish I could, Jess, but, uh...

I'm a single man now, so basically I have to be able

to trick women into thinking that I can buy them stuff.

NICK: Okay!

Here is my share...

to the penny.

Yeah! I'm not the poorest!

Second poorest. Now you're the poorest.

That's gotta be rock bottom.Yeah, I got it.

You know what? I'm shutting off the gas

until you can get me the money.

What?What are you talking about?

Don't scapegoat me.I just gave you my money.

That's called tough love, all right?

No more handouts.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

How are you gonna pay the gas bill?

I don't know.NICK: I've got an idea.

Get a job.

The school year's already started.

I have a lot of decisions to make

as far as my résumé is concerned.

I have to choose a font,

spacing, columns...

Okay, just update your résumé, you ninny.

Did you call me a ninny? NICK: Yeah, I called you a ninny,

'cause you're acting like a ninny, you ninny!

Don't call me a ninny, I'm PMSing!

Ah! Why would you... yucky!No, no, no.

I don't want to hear it.It hurts.

I feel like I've laid a million eggs

and they're all hatching.

I feel like I want to murder someone,

and also I want soft pretzels.

You know what? I feel the same way.

Shut up! Shut up, you!

'Cause I don't want to hear it!

I've had it!

If any of you cross me,

I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body!

Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there.

Because that's where I'm at right now.

Now which one of you guys

wants to tell me to get a job?

Hmm?

Who wants to look me in the face

and tell me to get a job?

Whatever.

"Whatever?"

What does that mean, huh?Whatever.

It better mean, "Whatever you say, Jess."

I don't think it's fair that women have an excuse

once a month to act irrationally angry

when the rest of us have to keep it together all the time.

You're irrationally angry

365 days a year, Nick.

What are you talking about?

I will push if I want to push!

Come on!

[grunting]

I hate doors!

Really? Well, that's just your personal opinion,

'cause I don't have anger issues.

You guys think I have anger issues?

Well, I mean, I wouldn't exactly call it an issue.

An issue is something you can fix.

Been that way since I can remember.

This is some watered-down nonsense.

You're some no-good shysters!

On a related note, I've just decided to take a walk.

Fine! Leave!

Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen,

I'm gonna go get a job, like it's my...

Job?Shut up!

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.

Please don't do that, sir. Please.

I would love to sit by myself right now.

There's something real creepy about you, pal.

You want to get weird? Let's get weird.

You got a nice face.

[sighs]

An anger problem?

Living with them? Are you kidding me?

It's frustrating.

It's like... just get a job.

I like your hat.

I like how it's not a team or a logo,

it's just blue.

Would you rather be covered in fish scales or feathers?

[laughing]: Scales?

Why, you weirdo?

You want to see me jump really high?

Ha! Ah ha![laughing]

I'm afraid of dying, man.

Who am I?!

The enemy is en-e-my.

The enemy is the inner me.

[laughs] Can you understand a word I'm saying?

You just nod at everything.

I need to change.

And you've showed me that.

I have an anger problem.

Thank you.

Can I get a hug?

I've got a story for you guys.Ooh.

I met someone at work.

Emma Sharpe.

Divisional VP of all North America.

Wh-What are you doing in the break room?

This break room is in North America, isn't it?

Sure. That means I'm the Vice President of it.

I am the Vice President of everything in North America.

That sounds like... sexual harassment.

Robby, there's a fine line between sexual harassment

and something awesome.I thought you hated your co-workers.

You said they were a bunch of...Pant-suited corporate She-Hulks?

Yeah, I know what I said.

Emma is the craziest woman to ever hit on me.

ROBBY: Schmidt, you're such a nice guy.

Thank you.What you deserve is a girl who respects you.

You know? A nice girl.Mm-hmm.

I'm not into the nice thing, Robby. Doesn't do it for me.

Well, that's what I thought, too. Yeah.

You know, until I found, uh... this one right here.

You mean Cece?

You think that I'm... nice?

No.

I think you're the nicest.

Mm. Hmm.

Robby![laughs]

Yes, the man just left.

And he turned off the gas.

Yeah, I'm refusing to pay my gas bill

as a matter of principle.

You'd like me to take the survey?

Of course I'll take the survey.

Schmidt? Yeah, hold on.

Can I share something with you, man to man?

Oh. I'm...

[tinny music plays]

You have to promise me you will not laugh.

Look, I'm... you're not talking to Nick, here.

Talking to Schmidt.

Schmidt, I think I'm getting my period.

Okay.

This is a real thing, okay? I looked it up on the Internet.

It's called, uh, "sympathy PMS," right?

Now, apparently this is an affliction

that men suffer from all the time.

Right on.

I don't know how it happened, man,

but somehow, I got on that woman's cycle of menstruation...

and I got that menstruation inside of me.

Winston!

Men can't get their periods.

Where would they put the tampon?

Hey! Are you calling me stupid?

You're the one that's stupid, okay?

You jack-faced butthole!

JESS: Who's the jack-faced butthole

who turned off the hot water?!

Witch! What have you done to my body?

Shut up, you!

Why is there no hot water?!

Oh, I'm sorry, Jess.

If you don't pay, you don't play.

You also don't shower.

Are you serious?

Thank you, Denise. NICK: Hey, hey!

Hey, great buddies.

Ow, my skin! Okay.

Roommates... hey, buddy.Don't poke me.

Something wonderful happened to me today,

and I am no longer angry. It's gone.

Oh, shut up, Nick.[laughs]

So let me get this straight:

nothing at all's going to set you off?

That's right.

Nothing's gonna get to me,

'cause it's a new Nick Miller.

Awesome. Hey, Winston, tell him what you have.

Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up.

Sympathy PMS? What's that? JESS: No!

PMS is mine!

Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.

You're telling me you're having

a pre-menstrual something right now?

Yes. Okay.

It's like a character in a Judy Blume novel.

No! You can't have my menzies.

He's got her menzies.

No part of this conversation

is making me want to boil over with rage.

I feel really good, guys.

[water running]

Hey gang, why is the water so cold?

Schmidt turned off the hot water,

because it's not enough that I have to go on an interview

with the red devil in my belly,

I also have to go unshowered.

So let me get this straight: there's no hot water in the whole house?

Yeah. [chuckles]

Seems strange.

Maybe a cold shower will wake you up

to some harsh financial realities, Jessica Day.

You don't control my heat, Theodore P. Gasbag.

NICK: This is good!

We got a lot of feelings going around.

A lot of anger.

And you. You...

You're suddenly calm?

Yeah. Really?

It feels like a fat man's sitting on my uterus.

I hear that.

[yelling]

Gonna go to the store!

Does anybody want anything?!

Thank you, Denise.

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Shut the door.

Whoa.

Quick reflexes. Good.

I am going to devour you.

You see that contract?Oh, the thick one?

With all those tabbies?

Do me on it.

Pick that up.

Did you just ask me to pick it up to see me bend over?

No.

Oh, wait, I'm doing it.

Stand up.

[sighs]

What is this thing?

You're gonna have to sign it

before anything can happen between us.

"Party A absolves Party B

"of any psychological trauma,

whether temporary, permanent, future or imagined."

After we do what we do, you're gonna want to talk.

I can't allow that.

The less risk I incur, the more I can focus on

creating a viable sexual experience for both of us.

You're gonna want to sign it.

"Possible exposure to lead paint."

Do I have a latex allergy?

That's very important.

"Guaranteed mercury poisoning"?

Mm.

Is this real?

You have till week's end to sign it.

What is your name?!

I can't keep thinking of you

as my magical best friend with no name.

Joe. Tommy.

Louis. Tran.

Is it Tran?

[laughs]

What a crazy guess!

Beautiful name. Fits you perfectly.

My roommates are killing me.

Fine, you're right.

Okay, I like them, all right?

I hate myself. Is that what you want me to say?

Why do you always have to make everything so simple?!

How do you just get it?

How do I become you?

Show me the way, man. I'll do anything.

[groans]

All right, man, I'm in.

You lead, my man.

All right, whatever is about to happen's gonna happen.

Jessica Day?

So why do you want to teach adults?

I think it's really inspiring that these people have chosen

to go back to school, you know,

that they want to read To Kill A Mockingbird,

that they want... Oh!

I named my dog Boo after...

After Boo Radley?

Exactly.That's amazing.

Oh, my God.

She was a puppy.

She's so cute.

I know.

Such a cutie.

[sniffles]

[sniffles]

[voice breaking]: This cup is so tiny.

So cute.

Sorry, how did she fit in the cup?

I just don't understand.

Just physically, how did she get so small?

I'm sorry, um...

I'm sorry, I got this...

I don't know what's wrong.

So weird.

Never happens to me.

She's really cute.

Yes, she was.

Did she die?

It's fine.

It's been two years.

[sputters]

[sobbing]

[sobbing]: Puppy...

in a...

cup.

[sobbing]

[sniffles]

So... [chuckles]

we're both dog people, right?

Schmidt, am I nice?

No. Thank you.

Nobody thinks I'm a nice girl, okay?

I'm the mistake.

Ah, Robby.

Midwestern heart, Midwestern body.

I'm the one who messes things up.

I agree with you.

I feel like he doesn't even know me.

[groans]

You're getting your smell all over the comforter.

Oh, my God.

Took me months to get rid of that heavenly curry smell.

What happens when he realizes

he was wrong about me the entire time?

He's just gonna run away.

I would, I would never run away from you.

But if I did, I would run way faster than Robby.

'Cause he's slow.

And I'm fast.

Maybe I'm just not meant for a functional relationship.

You know me, Schmidt.

You don't ever have to be nice around me.

I'm not scared of you.

I mean, I'm bad.

I do...

I do bad things.

I don't think you're a nice girl.

Think you're the worst.

No.

No...?

No. I can't do this to Robby.

But you're a bad person. We discussed that.

You're a bad person, I'm a bad person. Yep.

We can totally do this. No qualms.

I have a qualm. I have a qualm.You don't have a qualm.

We sold our qualms,

and we used the profits to buy perfect bodies.

Robby is right. Hmm.

I'm nice.I'm not nice, all right?

And I like Robby, but that is doing nothing right now

from stopping me from wanting to kiss you.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

But I-I don't want to stop. [laughs]

I really don't.

I will never stop wanting to kiss you.

I am a monster.

I got to go.

Yeah, sure. Have fun.

Thank you. I really needed this.

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

[door closes]

And I...

I'm a monster.

Okay.

What is this place?

What are you...?

What would you like?

What does this mean?

Let's not do this.

Let's not take off our clothes.

Let's go back to the park where it was good...

[sighs]

What do I know?

We're taking our pants off?

Okay. Keep those underwear on, am I right?

[chuckles]: Yeah.

Stay on. Underwear good.

[groaning]

[flute playing ethereal music]

Why are you cradling me like a baby, friend?

This is not how guys of my generation hang out.

This is a moment that got away from me, my man.

Oh, that's my butt.

This is intimate.

[sighs]

[whispers]: How did you know?

[sighs]

You are a huge baby.

Yeah, I am.

I am a huge baby.

Forget it, I'm done.

I'm not getting a teaching job.

Mm.Just can't go

back out there, you know?

Oh, I feel you, Jess.

I took a sick day.

I just stayed at home and did a watercolor of mountains.

So you gonna get this, like, every month?

I mean, it's a possibility from all the information

that I've read on the Internet.

That women like you

are the alpha.What?

You're like the powerful moon, and all the women in your life

are just latched on to your cycle.

In my case, a grown-ass man.

Oh, yeah, good news.

The gang's all here.

Guys just PMS-ing?

Not in the mood today.

Don't really feel like being yelled at,

so what I'm gonna do is go ahead and leave,

because right now I'm feeling very fragile.

I understand.

What's wrong with you?

I'm no longer angry!

All the anger

that used to be inside of me is gone!

It's gone, it's gone!

This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

What is wrong with you? Don't.

Period's got you down?

That is such a raw deal.

Want me to get you a sanitary napkin?

Ew!

Okay, I won't get that.

But you're okay with pads or tampons

or whatever it is that you're using?

[blows raspberries]

Tell me about your day, please.

I want to get into your universe.

Let's rap it out. Go.

Floor is yours, pal.

Talk, talk, talk.

I want to listen.

No. 30 seconds of direct eye contact?

Stop it, Nick. Please, stop.

In three seconds, I'll be silent.

One, two...

I bombed all my interviews.

What? What happened?

I was sabotaged by my baby box,

which means I'm never

gonna trust anything that comes out of it.

So that rules out a family.

I know just the thing you need.

Come with me.

Welcome to the wonderful world of water massage.

You are a piece of seaweed.

You are totally happy.

Ow!

I don't mean to touch your boobs!You're touching my boobs!

I don't mean to touch your boobs!

Fail, fail, fail.

The next move is...

Oh, my...!

Relaxing is important. Relaxing is important.

[both shouting]

Relax!

Oh, no.

What are you trying to do?!

Kill me?!

It worked for me.

I was trying to help you.

I've been watching you doubt yourself for months.

I'm not doubting myself.

You're doubting yourself, Jess.

No, Nick, it's PMS.

It's not PMS.

You got knocked down.

It's time to get back up.

And get up long enough for one of these bozos to hire you.

I believe in you.

So does that guy.

Hey.

Think you can do that?

And if you don't, I'm gonna water massage you again.

Can you do that? Yes.

Can you do that?

Yes!

Jessica Day?

Yes, I'm here.Weren't you here the other day?

Weren't youhere the other day?

Yes, I was.

Well, I signed it.

Please note the added provision.

In any autobiographical account of my life,

you want to be referred to as Moises Perdue.

Non-negotiable.

But you're fine with the rest of it?

Look, I'm a depraved freak, and I want to wander into

your Narnia of sexual terror

and emerge like a freshly birthed calf.

Put your hands out.

Let's do this.

[rope cracks]

Are you ready?

I'm ready. All right.

Oh, yeah.

[chuckles]: Okay.

Interesting technique.

Hold tight.

I mean, I could totally get out of this.

What, have you never bound somebody before?

I got to start over. [laughs]

This your first time?

[whispers]: Are you rejecting me?

No, I-- no.

I mean...

Because legally... you can't.

[chuckles]

Now take off your pants.

Okay.

Now.

All right, all right.

I got it. I got it.

Right there. Oh.

No, I got it.

Hold on, I got it.

I did it. I did it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

drumroll please.

[imitating drumroll][imitating high hat rhythm]

Cut! Cut, Nick!

Snare drum.

I shouldn't have to specify.

Jess, that was a cymbal.

Cymbals are part of the drum kit.

Yeah.

Nevertheless, we are gathered here today to celebrate

the reemployment of Jessica F. Day.

Not my middle initial.Who will once again

be in the classroom, molding the minds of children.

Actually, I'm gonna be remolding the minds of grown-ups,

'cause I'm gonna be teaching creative writing to adults.

So, what, are you gonna be, like,

reading a bunch of weirdos' writing?

Well, I hope you like stories about vampires

and bad childhoods. I do.

You're gonna get them.In any case,

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are thrilled

that you will once again have a reason to shower daily.

Yes.

Now, let there be gas.

Yeah! Yeah!

Ah, yeah!

Gonna be hot water in six to ten minutes, fool! What?!Yeah!

["Jump Around" by House of Pain playing]

[cheering]

[chanting]: Schmidt! Schmidt!

ALL: Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

Where's Winston?Where is Winston?

Go get Winston! Where is he?

[chanting]: Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

Schmidt! Schmidt!

JESS: Come on, jump around with us.

Come jump with us, Winston.

Sleepy eyes.

Hey.

[music stops]What's going on, man?

I don't really have PMS.

I know. You're a man.

[sobbing]

I miss Shelby.

This is all about your breakup?

I know just the thing you need.

Oh, no.

Just relax and breathe.[playing music]

I'll take your shoulders.

I'll take your feet.

This is really weird, man.

Really weird.

Cool vibe, man.

WINSTON: What are you guys doing now?

What have I gotten myself into?

SCHMIDT: Hey, lady,

crushing that flute, babe.

And breathe.

- Okay, I'm trying.- Mama did that.

Whoa.Just chill out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing with my legs?

No! Come on!Come on, chill out!

[laughter]

Nick, what are you doing, man?!

Reset. Let's reset.

This is weird!

No! No! No!

Captioned by access.wgbh.orgoup at WGBH