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1
00:00:02,306 --> 00:00:05,135
Okay, gas, electric, and cable
2
00:00:05,179 --> 00:00:07,224
comes out to $219.34.
3
00:00:07,268 --> 00:00:08,486
Jessica?
4
00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:10,184
Do you have anything
to contribute?
5
00:00:10,227 --> 00:00:13,187
Here we go.They're not all legal tenders,
6
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:15,102
but they have value, like...Sure.
7
00:00:15,145 --> 00:00:16,886
That's $5.00.
$5.00.
8
00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:18,279
Library card.
9
00:00:18,322 --> 00:00:20,281
Library's not just
for books anymore.
Mm-hmm.
10
00:00:20,324 --> 00:00:21,760
Library card.Also, you can check out
compact discs.
11
00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:23,675
What else?
This is a fortune.
Um, yeah.
12
00:00:23,719 --> 00:00:26,243
"You are lucky and success."
How ironic.
13
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:28,724
That's going right to the
gas company. "Paid in full."
14
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:30,465
Jess, we can't keep
covering for you.
15
00:00:30,508 --> 00:00:32,075
Yes. I understand.
16
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,250
It's just that, um...
17
00:00:33,294 --> 00:00:35,209
recently I went through a,
uh, life change
18
00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:36,471
where I was fired.
19
00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:37,776
Maybe I can borrow
20
00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:41,693
the money from my
good friend... Winston?
21
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:44,087
You know, I really wish
I could, Jess, but, uh...
22
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:46,307
I'm a single man now,
so basically I have to be able
23
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:50,224
to trick women into thinking
that I can buy them stuff.
24
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:51,268
NICK:
Okay!
25
00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:53,705
Here is my share...
26
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:56,317
to the penny.
27
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,275
Yeah! I'm not the poorest!
28
00:00:58,319 --> 00:00:59,972
Second poorest.
Now you're the poorest.
29
00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:01,539
That's gotta be rock bottom.Yeah, I got it.
30
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:02,888
You know what?
I'm shutting off the gas
31
00:01:02,932 --> 00:01:03,976
until you can get me the money.
32
00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:05,282
What?What are you talking about?
33
00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:07,241
Don't scapegoat me.I just gave you my money.
34
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:08,764
That's called tough love,
all right?
35
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:10,287
No more handouts.
36
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:11,506
Now, what are you
going to do about it?
37
00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:13,290
How are you gonna
pay the gas bill?
38
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,552
I don't know.NICK:
I've got an idea.
39
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:15,814
Get a job.
40
00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:17,164
The school year's
already started.
41
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:18,382
I have a lot of
decisions to make
42
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:19,818
as far as my résumé
is concerned.
43
00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:21,298
I have to choose a font,
44
00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,300
spacing, columns...
45
00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,346
Okay, just update
your résumé, you ninny.
46
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:27,130
Did you call me a ninny?
NICK:
Yeah, I called you a ninny,
47
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,176
'cause you're acting
like a ninny, you ninny!
48
00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:31,178
Don't call me a ninny,
I'm PMSing!
49
00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:32,744
Ah! Why would
you... yucky!No, no, no.
50
00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:34,137
I don't want to hear it.It hurts.
51
00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:35,182
I feel like I've
laid a million eggs
52
00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:36,357
and they're all hatching.
53
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,359
I feel like I
want to murder someone,
54
00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:40,317
and also I want
soft pretzels.
55
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:41,840
You know what?
I feel the same way.
56
00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:43,407
Shut up!
Shut up, you!
57
00:01:43,451 --> 00:01:45,366
'Cause I don't want to hear it!
58
00:01:45,409 --> 00:01:46,280
I've had it!
59
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:47,585
If any of you cross me,
60
00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:50,414
I'm gonna kick the testicles
clean off your body!
61
00:01:50,458 --> 00:01:53,156
Clean off! You'll look like
Ken dolls down there.
62
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,158
Because that's where
I'm at right now.
63
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:57,334
Now which one of you guys
64
00:01:57,378 --> 00:02:01,077
wants to tell me to get a job?
65
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,383
Hmm?
66
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:06,300
Who wants to look me in the face
67
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:09,303
and tell me to get a job?
68
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:11,261
Whatever.
69
00:02:12,349 --> 00:02:13,437
"Whatever?"
70
00:02:13,481 --> 00:02:15,309
What does that mean, huh?Whatever.
71
00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:17,746
It better mean,
"Whatever you say, Jess."
72
00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:20,183
I don't think it's fair
that women have an excuse
73
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:22,403
once a month to act
irrationally angry
74
00:02:22,446 --> 00:02:24,535
when the rest of us have to
keep it together all the time.
75
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:26,407
You're irrationally angry
76
00:02:26,450 --> 00:02:28,191
365 days a year, Nick.
77
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,453
What are you talking about?
78
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:33,370
I will push if I want to push!
79
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:35,024
Come on!
80
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:37,244
[grunting]
81
00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:39,071
I hate doors!
82
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:40,769
Really? Well, that's just
your personal opinion,
83
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:42,205
'cause I don't
have anger issues.
84
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:43,554
You guys think
I have anger issues?
85
00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:45,252
Well, I mean, I wouldn't
exactly call it an issue.
86
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:47,123
An issue is something
you can fix.
87
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,385
Been that way
since I can remember.
88
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:52,215
This is some
watered-down nonsense.
89
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,478
You're some no-good shysters!
90
00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:59,875
On a related note, I've just
decided to take a walk.
91
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:02,182
Fine! Leave!
92
00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:05,489
Now, if you'll excuse me,
gentlemen,
93
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,274
I'm gonna go get a job,
like it's my...
94
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,449
Job?Shut up!
95
00:03:08,492 --> 00:03:10,886
♪ Who's that girl?
96
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:12,975
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.
97
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,467
Please don't do that, sir.
Please.
98
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,686
I would love to sit
by myself right now.
99
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:32,821
There's something real
creepy about you, pal.
100
00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:35,302
You want to get weird?
Let's get weird.
101
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:42,700
You got a nice face.
102
00:03:42,744 --> 00:03:44,485
[sighs]
103
00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:45,660
An anger problem?
104
00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:47,488
Living with them?
Are you kidding me?
105
00:03:47,531 --> 00:03:48,445
It's frustrating.
106
00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:49,925
It's like...
just get a job.
107
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,361
I like your hat.
108
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:52,493
I like how it's not
a team or a logo,
109
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,146
it's just blue.
110
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:57,019
Would you rather be covered
in fish scales or feathers?
111
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:00,414
[laughing]:
Scales?
112
00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:01,676
Why, you weirdo?
113
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:04,853
You want to see me
jump really high?
114
00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:06,550
Ha! Ah ha![laughing]
115
00:04:06,594 --> 00:04:08,596
I'm afraid of dying, man.
116
00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:12,295
Who am I?!
117
00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:14,210
The enemy is en-e-my.
118
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:17,431
The enemy is
the inner me.
119
00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:19,389
[laughs]
Can you understand
a word I'm saying?
120
00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:21,304
You just nod at everything.
121
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,306
I need to change.
122
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,307
And you've showed me that.
123
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:26,962
I have an anger problem.
124
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:28,355
Thank you.
125
00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:29,399
Can I get a hug?
126
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,318
I've got a story for you guys.Ooh.
127
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,364
I met someone at work.
128
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:39,409
Emma Sharpe.
129
00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:40,758
Divisional VP of
all North America.
130
00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:42,325
Wh-What are you doing
in the break room?
131
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:44,371
This break room is in
North America, isn't it?
132
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:47,417
Sure.
That means I'm
the Vice President of it.
133
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:56,252
I am the Vice President
of everything in North America.
134
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,036
That sounds like...
sexual harassment.
135
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,125
Robby, there's a fine line
between sexual harassment
136
00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:02,432
and something awesome.I thought you hated
your co-workers.
137
00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:04,521
You said they were a bunch of...Pant-suited corporate
She-Hulks?
138
00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:05,827
Yeah, I know what I said.
139
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:08,525
Emma is the craziest woman
to ever hit on me.
140
00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:10,527
ROBBY:
Schmidt, you're
such a nice guy.
141
00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:12,399
Thank you.What you deserve is
a girl who respects you.
142
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:13,878
You know? A nice girl.Mm-hmm.
143
00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:15,793
I'm not into the nice thing,
Robby. Doesn't do it for me.
144
00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:17,404
Well, that's what
I thought, too.
Yeah.
145
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:19,493
You know, until I found, uh...
this one right here.
146
00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:22,365
You mean Cece?
147
00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:24,802
You think that I'm... nice?
148
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,151
No.
149
00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:28,066
I think you're the nicest.
150
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:29,720
Mm.
Hmm.
151
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:32,332
Robby![laughs]
152
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:36,510
Yes, the man just left.
153
00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:38,381
And he turned off the gas.
154
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:40,078
Yeah, I'm refusing to
pay my gas bill
155
00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:41,297
as a matter of principle.
156
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,429
You'd like me to
take the survey?
157
00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:43,821
Of course I'll
take the survey.
158
00:05:43,865 --> 00:05:45,388
Schmidt?
Yeah, hold on.
159
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:47,172
Can I share something
with you, man to man?
160
00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:49,566
Oh. I'm...
161
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:50,828
[tinny music plays]
162
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:52,439
You have to promise me
you will not laugh.
163
00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:54,441
Look, I'm... you're not
talking to Nick, here.
164
00:05:54,484 --> 00:05:55,572
Talking to Schmidt.
165
00:05:55,616 --> 00:05:56,660
Schmidt, I think
I'm getting my period.
166
00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:02,579
Okay.
167
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:04,538
This is a real thing, okay?
I looked it up on the Internet.
168
00:06:04,581 --> 00:06:06,627
It's called, uh,
"sympathy PMS," right?
169
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:07,758
Now, apparently this
is an affliction
170
00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:09,499
that men suffer from
all the time.
171
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:10,500
Right on.
172
00:06:10,544 --> 00:06:12,284
I don't know
how it happened, man,
173
00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:16,550
but somehow, I got on that
woman's cycle of menstruation...
174
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,639
and I got that menstruation
inside of me.
175
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:19,770
Winston!
176
00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:21,642
Men can't get their periods.
177
00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:22,599
Where would they
put the tampon?
178
00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,035
Hey! Are you calling me stupid?
179
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,428
You're the one
that's stupid, okay?
180
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:26,690
You jack-faced butthole!
181
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:27,909
JESS:
Who's the jack-faced butthole
182
00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:29,606
who turned off the hot water?!
183
00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:31,129
Witch!
What have you done to my body?
184
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:32,479
Shut up, you!
185
00:06:32,522 --> 00:06:33,871
Why is there no hot water?!
186
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,264
Oh, I'm sorry, Jess.
187
00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:36,265
If you don't pay,
you don't play.
188
00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:37,832
You also don't shower.
189
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,050
Are you serious?
190
00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:40,661
Thank you, Denise.
NICK:
Hey, hey!
191
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:41,618
Hey, great buddies.
192
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:42,837
Ow, my skin!
Okay.
193
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,143
Roommates... hey, buddy.Don't poke me.
194
00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:48,233
Something wonderful
happened to me today,
195
00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:50,497
and I am no longer angry.
It's gone.
196
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,150
Oh, shut up, Nick.[laughs]
197
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:53,456
So let me get this straight:
198
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,588
nothing at all's
going to set you off?
199
00:06:54,631 --> 00:06:55,502
That's right.
200
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:57,068
Nothing's gonna get to me,
201
00:06:57,112 --> 00:06:58,330
'cause it's a new Nick Miller.
202
00:06:58,374 --> 00:07:00,550
Awesome. Hey, Winston,
tell him what you have.
203
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:02,639
Sympathy PMS.
It's a real thing,
I looked it up.
204
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,336
Sympathy PMS?
What's that?
JESS:
No!
205
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:05,512
PMS is mine!
206
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:07,383
Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.
207
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,471
You're telling me you're having
208
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:09,690
a pre-menstrual
something right now?
209
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,474
Yes.
Okay.
210
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:13,345
It's like a character
in a Judy Blume novel.
211
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:14,303
No! You can't have my menzies.
212
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:15,522
He's got her menzies.
213
00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:16,740
No part of this conversation
214
00:07:16,784 --> 00:07:18,481
is making me want to
boil over with rage.
215
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:21,571
I feel really good, guys.
216
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,747
[water running]
217
00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:26,315
Hey gang, why is
the water so cold?
218
00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:27,882
Schmidt turned off
the hot water,
219
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,361
because it's not enough that
I have to go on an interview
220
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:30,362
with the red devil in my belly,
221
00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:32,408
I also have to go unshowered.
222
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,410
So let me get this straight:
there's no hot water
in the whole house?
223
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,846
Yeah.
[chuckles]
224
00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:36,891
Seems strange.
225
00:07:36,934 --> 00:07:38,588
Maybe a cold shower
will wake you up
226
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,590
to some harsh financial
realities, Jessica Day.
227
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:43,506
You don't control my heat,
Theodore P. Gasbag.
228
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:44,638
NICK:
This is good!
229
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:45,552
We got a lot of
feelings going around.
230
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:46,553
A lot of anger.
231
00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,119
And you. You...
232
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:49,512
You're suddenly calm?
233
00:07:49,556 --> 00:07:50,818
Yeah.
Really?
234
00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:53,429
It feels like a fat man's
sitting on my uterus.
235
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,430
I hear that.
236
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,693
[yelling]
237
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:58,086
Gonna go to the store!
238
00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,304
Does anybody want anything?!
239
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:01,481
Thank you, Denise.
240
00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:04,658
Hey, you wanted to see me?
241
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:06,747
Shut the door.
242
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,531
Whoa.
243
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,707
Quick reflexes. Good.
244
00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:14,537
I am going to devour you.
245
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,408
You see that contract?Oh, the thick one?
246
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:18,454
With all those tabbies?
247
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,544
Do me on it.
248
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,067
Pick that up.
249
00:08:23,111 --> 00:08:25,722
Did you just ask me to pick
it up to see me bend over?
250
00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:26,767
No.
251
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:29,944
Oh, wait, I'm doing it.
252
00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:31,336
Stand up.
253
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:32,642
[sighs]
254
00:08:32,686 --> 00:08:33,817
What is this thing?
255
00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:34,949
You're gonna have to sign it
256
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:35,906
before anything
can happen between us.
257
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:37,342
"Party A
absolves Party B
258
00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:39,562
"of any
psychological trauma,
259
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:41,738
whether temporary, permanent,
future or imagined."
260
00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,566
After we do what we do,
you're gonna want to talk.
261
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:44,828
I can't allow that.
262
00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:46,613
The less risk I incur,
the more I can focus on
263
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:49,659
creating a viable sexual
experience for both of us.
264
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,574
You're gonna want
to sign it.
265
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,576
"Possible exposure
to lead paint."
266
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,796
Do I have a
latex allergy?
267
00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:56,840
That's very important.
268
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:58,581
"Guaranteed
mercury poisoning"?
269
00:08:58,625 --> 00:08:59,495
Mm.
270
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,322
Is this real?
271
00:09:02,324 --> 00:09:04,892
You have till week's end
to sign it.
272
00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:07,634
What is your name?!
273
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,505
I can't keep
thinking of you
274
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,420
as my magical best
friend with no name.
275
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:14,075
Joe. Tommy.
276
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:16,599
Louis. Tran.
277
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:19,036
Is it Tran?
278
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,690
[laughs]
279
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:21,822
What a crazy guess!
280
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:23,824
Beautiful name.
Fits you perfectly.
281
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:26,696
My roommates
are killing me.
282
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,482
Fine, you're right.
283
00:09:30,526 --> 00:09:31,788
Okay, I like
them, all right?
284
00:09:31,832 --> 00:09:33,442
I hate myself. Is that
what you want me to say?
285
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:36,445
Why do you always have to
make everything so simple?!
286
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,055
How do you
just get it?
287
00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:39,448
How do I become you?
288
00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:41,319
Show me the way, man.
I'll do anything.
289
00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:46,237
[groans]
290
00:09:46,281 --> 00:09:47,674
All right,
man, I'm in.
291
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,415
You lead, my man.
292
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,288
All right, whatever is about
to happen's gonna happen.
293
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:13,743
Jessica Day?
294
00:10:13,787 --> 00:10:15,571
So why do you want
to teach adults?
295
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,052
I think it's really inspiring
that these people have chosen
296
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:19,488
to go back to school,
you know,
297
00:10:19,531 --> 00:10:21,664
that they want to read
To Kill A Mockingbird,
298
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:22,534
that they want...
Oh!
299
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:25,015
I named my dog Boo after...
300
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,538
After Boo Radley?
301
00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:28,062
Exactly.That's amazing.
302
00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:28,845
Oh, my God.
303
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:30,107
She was a puppy.
304
00:10:30,151 --> 00:10:31,500
She's so cute.
305
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:32,457
I know.
306
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,198
Such a cutie.
307
00:10:36,897 --> 00:10:38,507
[sniffles]
308
00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:43,512
[sniffles]
309
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:46,863
[voice breaking]:
This cup is so tiny.
310
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:49,170
So cute.
311
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:50,911
Sorry, how did
she fit in the cup?
312
00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:52,477
I just don't understand.
313
00:10:52,521 --> 00:10:55,393
Just physically,
how did she get so small?
314
00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:58,309
I'm sorry, um...
315
00:10:58,353 --> 00:10:59,789
I'm sorry, I got this...
316
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,399
I don't know what's wrong.
317
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:02,487
So weird.
318
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:04,707
Never happens to me.
319
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:05,752
She's really cute.
320
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:07,144
Yes, she was.
321
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,631
Did she die?
322
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:16,719
It's fine.
323
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:17,764
It's been two years.
324
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:20,636
[sputters]
325
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,159
[sobbing]
326
00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:29,950
[sobbing]:
Puppy...
327
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,909
in a...
328
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:34,824
cup.
329
00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:37,000
[sobbing]
330
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:38,567
[sniffles]
331
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:39,916
So... [chuckles]
332
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,353
we're both dog people, right?
333
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,100
Schmidt, am I nice?
334
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:52,276
No.
Thank you.
335
00:11:53,582 --> 00:11:55,366
Nobody thinks
I'm a nice girl, okay?
336
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:56,411
I'm the mistake.
337
00:11:56,454 --> 00:11:57,891
Ah, Robby.
338
00:11:57,934 --> 00:12:00,763
Midwestern heart,
Midwestern body.
339
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:01,982
I'm the one
who messes things up.
340
00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,070
I agree with you.
341
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:04,767
I feel like
he doesn't even know me.
342
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,813
[groans]
343
00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:08,379
You're getting your smell
all over the comforter.
344
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:09,816
Oh, my God.
345
00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:11,687
Took me months to get rid of
that heavenly curry smell.
346
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:12,862
What happens
when he realizes
347
00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:14,951
he was wrong about
me the entire time?
348
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:16,170
He's just
gonna run away.
349
00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:17,954
I would, I would
never run away from you.
350
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:21,741
But if I did, I would run
way faster than Robby.
351
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,787
'Cause he's slow.
352
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:26,093
And I'm fast.
353
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:32,490
Maybe I'm just not meant for
a functional relationship.
354
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,579
You know me, Schmidt.
355
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:36,799
You don't ever
have to be nice around me.
356
00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:38,627
I'm not scared of you.
357
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:40,237
I mean, I'm bad.
358
00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:43,501
I do...
359
00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:46,635
I do bad things.
360
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:47,810
I don't think
you're a nice girl.
361
00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:50,726
Think you're the worst.
362
00:12:58,865 --> 00:12:59,517
No.
363
00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:00,605
No...?
364
00:13:00,649 --> 00:13:03,260
No. I can't do
this to Robby.
365
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:05,088
But you're a bad person.
We discussed that.
366
00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:06,698
You're a bad person,
I'm a bad person.
Yep.
367
00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:08,700
We can totally do this.
No qualms.
368
00:13:08,744 --> 00:13:10,528
I have a qualm.
I have a qualm.You don't have a qualm.
369
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:11,791
We sold our qualms,
370
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,009
and we used the profits
to buy perfect bodies.
371
00:13:13,053 --> 00:13:15,229
Robby is right.
Hmm.
372
00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:17,840
I'm nice.I'm not nice, all right?
373
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:20,408
And I like Robby, but that is
doing nothing right now
374
00:13:20,451 --> 00:13:22,540
from stopping me
from wanting to kiss you.
375
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:23,672
Stop, stop,
stop, stop.
376
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:25,282
But I-I don't
want to stop.
[laughs]
377
00:13:25,326 --> 00:13:26,370
I really don't.
378
00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,285
I will never stop
wanting to kiss you.
379
00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:31,723
I am a monster.
380
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,073
I got to go.
381
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:34,335
Yeah, sure.
Have fun.
382
00:13:34,378 --> 00:13:36,293
Thank you. I really
needed this.
383
00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:37,512
Mm-hmm.
384
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:42,865
[sighs]
385
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:43,866
[door closes]
386
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:46,521
And I...
387
00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:53,528
I'm a monster.
388
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:55,878
Okay.
389
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,575
What is this place?
390
00:13:57,619 --> 00:14:00,578
What are you...?
391
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,058
What would you like?
392
00:14:02,102 --> 00:14:03,320
What does this mean?
393
00:14:03,364 --> 00:14:05,235
Let's not do this.
394
00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:07,759
Let's not take off
our clothes.
395
00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:10,066
Let's go back to the park
where it was good...
396
00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:13,417
[sighs]
397
00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:19,554
What do I know?
398
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:25,560
We're taking our pants off?
399
00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:29,477
Okay. Keep those underwear on,
am I right?
400
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,131
[chuckles]:
Yeah.
401
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:33,307
Stay on.
Underwear good.
402
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:36,136
[groaning]
403
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:38,616
[flute playing ethereal music]
404
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:41,184
Why are you cradling me
like a baby, friend?
405
00:14:41,228 --> 00:14:44,013
This is not how guys
of my generation hang out.
406
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:47,756
This is a moment
that got away from me, my man.
407
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:54,502
Oh, that's my butt.
408
00:14:54,545 --> 00:14:56,808
This is intimate.
409
00:14:56,852 --> 00:14:58,941
[sighs]
410
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:01,770
[whispers]:
How did you know?
411
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:04,904
[sighs]
412
00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:09,560
You are a huge baby.
413
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:12,128
Yeah, I am.
414
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:15,044
I am a huge baby.
415
00:15:16,263 --> 00:15:17,742
Forget it, I'm done.
416
00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:19,048
I'm not getting
a teaching job.
417
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:20,049
Mm.Just can't go
418
00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:21,529
back out there, you know?
419
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:22,660
Oh, I feel you, Jess.
420
00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:24,227
I took a sick day.
421
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:27,143
I just stayed at home and did
a watercolor of mountains.
422
00:15:27,187 --> 00:15:29,189
So you gonna get this,
like, every month?
423
00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:30,973
I mean, it's a possibility
from all the information
424
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,192
that I've read on the Internet.
425
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:33,845
That women like you
426
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,499
are the alpha.What?
427
00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:38,198
You're like the powerful moon,
and all the women in your life
428
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,765
are just latched on
to your cycle.
429
00:15:40,809 --> 00:15:43,855
In my case, a grown-ass man.
430
00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:46,815
Oh, yeah, good news.
431
00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:48,382
The gang's all here.
432
00:15:48,425 --> 00:15:49,557
Guys just PMS-ing?
433
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:50,775
Not in the mood today.
434
00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:52,038
Don't really feel like
being yelled at,
435
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:53,343
so what I'm gonna do
is go ahead and leave,
436
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:54,866
because right now I'm
feeling very fragile.
437
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:55,824
I understand.
438
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:56,999
What's wrong with you?
439
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,000
I'm no longer angry!
440
00:15:58,044 --> 00:15:59,219
All the anger
441
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:00,698
that used to be
inside of me is gone!
442
00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:01,830
It's gone, it's gone!
443
00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:04,659
This is the worst thing
I've ever seen.
444
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:08,010
What is wrong
with you?
Don't.
445
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,272
Period's got you down?
446
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:10,708
That is such
a raw deal.
447
00:16:10,752 --> 00:16:12,406
Want me to get you
a sanitary napkin?
448
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:13,407
Ew!
449
00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:14,712
Okay, I won't
get that.
450
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,236
But you're okay
with pads or tampons
451
00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:17,933
or whatever it is
that you're using?
452
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:18,934
[blows raspberries]
453
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,805
Tell me about your day, please.
454
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,285
I want to get into
your universe.
455
00:16:22,329 --> 00:16:24,026
Let's rap it out. Go.
456
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,115
Floor is yours, pal.
457
00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:27,160
Talk, talk, talk.
458
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:28,465
I want to listen.
459
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,685
No.
30 seconds of
direct eye contact?
460
00:16:30,728 --> 00:16:32,034
Stop it, Nick. Please, stop.
461
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:33,296
In three seconds,
I'll be silent.
462
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,168
One, two...
463
00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:38,040
I bombed all my interviews.
464
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,607
What? What happened?
465
00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:42,175
I was sabotaged by my baby box,
466
00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:43,698
which means I'm never
467
00:16:43,741 --> 00:16:45,221
gonna trust anything
that comes out of it.
468
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:47,267
So that rules out a family.
469
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:49,834
I know just the thing
you need.
470
00:16:49,878 --> 00:16:50,966
Come with me.
471
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:55,057
Welcome to the wonderful world
of water massage.
472
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:04,762
You are a piece of seaweed.
473
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:05,937
You are totally happy.
474
00:17:05,981 --> 00:17:07,635
Ow!
475
00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:09,071
I don't mean to
touch your boobs!You're touching my boobs!
476
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:09,854
I don't mean to
touch your boobs!
477
00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:11,117
Fail, fail, fail.
478
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,074
The next move is...
479
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,293
Oh, my...!
480
00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:15,947
Relaxing is important.
Relaxing is important.
481
00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:19,734
[both shouting]
482
00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,649
Relax!
483
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:23,085
Oh, no.
484
00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:24,304
What are you trying to do?!
485
00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:25,261
Kill me?!
486
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:27,002
It worked for me.
487
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,264
I was trying to help you.
488
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:31,354
I've been watching you
doubt yourself for months.
489
00:17:31,398 --> 00:17:32,529
I'm not doubting myself.
490
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,096
You're doubting yourself, Jess.
491
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,097
No, Nick, it's PMS.
492
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,273
It's not PMS.
493
00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:39,188
You got knocked down.
494
00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:40,755
It's time to get back up.
495
00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:43,149
And get up long enough for
one of these bozos to hire you.
496
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:46,935
I believe in you.
497
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,068
So does that guy.
498
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:51,331
Hey.
499
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:53,028
Think you can do that?
500
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:56,292
And if you don't, I'm gonna
water massage you again.
501
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:57,989
Can you do that?
Yes.
502
00:17:58,033 --> 00:17:58,947
Can you do that?
503
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:00,166
Yes!
504
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,473
Jessica Day?
505
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:06,128
Yes, I'm here.Weren't you here
the other day?
506
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,999
Weren't youhere the other day?
507
00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:09,827
Yes, I was.
508
00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:15,920
Well, I signed it.
509
00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:18,053
Please note the added provision.
510
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,273
In any autobiographical
account of my life,
511
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:23,276
you want to be referred to
as Moises Perdue.
512
00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:24,973
Non-negotiable.
513
00:18:25,016 --> 00:18:27,367
But you're fine
with the rest of it?
514
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:30,065
Look, I'm a depraved freak,
and I want to wander into
515
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,198
your Narnia of sexual terror
516
00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:35,157
and emerge
like a freshly birthed calf.
517
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,332
Put your hands out.
518
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,291
Let's do this.
519
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:39,335
[rope cracks]
520
00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:40,771
Are you ready?
521
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:44,993
I'm ready.
All right.
522
00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:46,081
Oh, yeah.
523
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,214
[chuckles]:
Okay.
524
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:49,171
Interesting technique.
525
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:52,305
Hold tight.
526
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:54,176
I mean, I could totally
get out of this.
527
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,091
What, have you never
bound somebody before?
528
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,353
I got to start over.
[laughs]
529
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:58,572
This your first time?
530
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:03,359
[whispers]:
Are you rejecting me?
531
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:05,013
No, I-- no.
532
00:19:05,056 --> 00:19:06,275
I mean...
533
00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:10,061
Because legally...
you can't.
534
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:11,150
[chuckles]
535
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:14,414
Now take off
your pants.
536
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:15,676
Okay.
537
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:16,764
Now.
538
00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:18,287
All right, all right.
539
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:23,205
I got it. I got it.
540
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,076
Right there. Oh.
541
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:25,990
No, I got it.
542
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:27,209
Hold on, I got it.
543
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:30,299
I did it. I did it.
544
00:19:30,343 --> 00:19:31,387
Ladies and gentlemen,
545
00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:33,215
drumroll please.
546
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,695
[imitating drumroll][imitating high hat rhythm]
547
00:19:34,738 --> 00:19:36,610
Cut! Cut, Nick!
548
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:37,567
Snare drum.
549
00:19:37,611 --> 00:19:38,786
I shouldn't
have to specify.
550
00:19:38,829 --> 00:19:40,091
Jess, that
was a cymbal.
551
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:41,136
Cymbals are part of
the drum kit.
552
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,659
Yeah.
553
00:19:42,703 --> 00:19:44,139
Nevertheless, we are gathered
here today to celebrate
554
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:47,316
the reemployment
of Jessica F. Day.
555
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,100
Not my middle initial.Who will once again
556
00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:52,234
be in the classroom, molding
the minds of children.
557
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:55,237
Actually, I'm gonna be remolding
the minds of grown-ups,
558
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:57,457
'cause I'm gonna be teaching
creative writing to adults.
559
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,675
So, what, are you
gonna be, like,
560
00:19:58,719 --> 00:19:59,981
reading a bunch of
weirdos' writing?
561
00:20:00,024 --> 00:20:01,635
Well, I hope you like
stories about vampires
562
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:02,853
and bad childhoods.
I do.
563
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,551
You're gonna get them.In any case,
564
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:07,249
I think I speak for all of us
when I say that we are thrilled
565
00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:09,425
that you will once again have
a reason to shower daily.
566
00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:11,340
Yes.
567
00:20:11,384 --> 00:20:14,604
Now, let
there be gas.
568
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:16,432
Yeah!
Yeah!
569
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:18,173
Ah, yeah!
570
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,610
Gonna be hot water in six to
ten minutes, fool! What?!Yeah!
571
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:22,351
["Jump Around"
by House of Pain playing]
572
00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,919
[cheering]
573
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,139
[chanting]:
Schmidt! Schmidt!
574
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:29,315
ALL:
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
575
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:30,751
Where's Winston?Where is Winston?
576
00:20:30,794 --> 00:20:32,143
Go get Winston!
Where is he?
577
00:20:32,187 --> 00:20:34,276
[chanting]: Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt! Schmidt!
578
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,278
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
579
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:38,149
Schmidt! Schmidt!
580
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:39,716
JESS:
Come on, jump around with us.
581
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,501
Come jump with us, Winston.
582
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:42,980
Sleepy eyes.
583
00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:44,504
Hey.
584
00:20:44,547 --> 00:20:46,201
[music stops]What's going on, man?
585
00:20:48,551 --> 00:20:50,684
I don't really have PMS.
586
00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:53,295
I know. You're a man.
587
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:56,167
[sobbing]
588
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,909
I miss Shelby.
589
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:00,955
This is all about
your breakup?
590
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:04,480
I know just the thing
you need.
591
00:21:04,524 --> 00:21:05,916
Oh, no.
592
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,353
Just relax and breathe.[playing music]
593
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:08,658
I'll take your shoulders.
594
00:21:08,702 --> 00:21:09,877
I'll take your feet.
595
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,357
This is really weird, man.
596
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,706
Really weird.
597
00:21:12,749 --> 00:21:13,750
Cool vibe, man.
598
00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:17,014
WINSTON:
What are you guys doing now?
599
00:21:17,058 --> 00:21:19,408
What have I gotten myself into?
600
00:21:19,452 --> 00:21:20,322
SCHMIDT:
Hey, lady,
601
00:21:20,366 --> 00:21:21,497
crushing that flute, babe.
602
00:21:21,541 --> 00:21:23,020
And breathe.
603
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:24,718
- Okay, I'm trying.- Mama did that.
604
00:21:24,761 --> 00:21:26,067
Whoa.Just chill out.
605
00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:27,721
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing with my legs?
606
00:21:27,764 --> 00:21:29,200
No! Come on!Come on, chill out!
607
00:21:29,244 --> 00:21:30,245
[laughter]
608
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,551
Nick, what are
you doing, man?!
609
00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:33,117
Reset. Let's reset.
610
00:21:33,161 --> 00:21:34,336
This is weird!
611
00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:37,339
No! No! No!
612
00:21:40,995 --> 00:21:43,563
Captioned by
access.wgbh.orgoup at WGBH
38574
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