All language subtitles for Modern Family s11e15_English

Are -- Are you awake?

I slept for six minutestwo hours ago.

I'm gonna have to takea sleeping pill,

which means you're gonnahave to hide my car keys,

laptop,and Reba McEntire wig.

It's been
a crazy couple days.

Uh, yesterday, I found out
I didn't get

the college football coaching
job that I had been chasing.

I was --
I was devastated.

And moments before that,we got a phone call

from our old adoption agencywith the opportunity

for us to adopt
a baby boy.

So, a door closes...

A window opens.
Yeah.

But do you answer it?

You don't answer windows.

Well, how fun for you.
Cam made a little mistake.

I keep making lists of all the
pros and cons in my head.

Uh, the -- the way a baby smellsis on both.

Okay, alright.
Pros, go.

Okay, well, a baby to love.
The sound of giggling.

[ Chuckles ]
You know,
a bigger family,

an extra vote on whether to pullthe plug on us when we get old.

I'm worried that Lily
has an itchy trigger finger.

Yeah, and another childwould help us figure out

how much of Lily's personalityis our fault and what's on her.

It would be nice
to be vindicated.

Okay, other pros --
Christmases.

[ Sighs ]

Dipping little toes
into the ocean

for the first time,

the way a toddlerrun towards the door

in their jammies saying,"Daddy!" [ Chuckles ]

Okay, you'd better hit me
with some cons.

I'm practically ovulating.

Okay, no sleep,
car seats, diapers,

coughs and colds, all --
all the doctor's appointments,

plastic toys everywhere.Everywhere.

Our -- Our place
is already too small.

We don't have
enough bedrooms.

Mnh-mnh.

Oh, God,
the clock is ticking.

We have half a day
to give them an answer.

Okay, you know what,no thinking.

On the count of three,say yes or no.

One, two, three...

I don't know.I can't decide!

--Captions by VITAC--

Captioning Provided by
20th Century Fox Television
and ABC, Inc.

and brought to you by Ford.
Going further, so you can.

♪♪

Hey, why is there a blackSuburban outside with a driver?

My company sent it.

I'm manning
the Helo Dynamics booth

for the job recruitment fair
at Caltech.

Wow!

Look at you, being chauffeured
in a giant SUV.

When I picture you driving,
you're crying in a Prius.

I do cry less
when I'm driven.

And that outfit
is on point.

Well, I mean, it's -- it's sortof a triumphant return for me.

I spent four years therein sweats, with greasy hair,

caring only about grades.

The only time anyoneever noticed me was when

I pulled out all my eyebrowsduring finals week.

Now I have a big job,swanky apartment,

shoes that cost morethan my first laptop...

Oh, it's like a rom-com --

you left a nerd
and returned a hot nerd.

Ooh!
Speaking of hot people,

maybe I should go
and recruit for NERP.

For legal reasons,
we need a science-y person

to endorse product.

Considering we're all
a bunch of people who
didn't graduate college,

we sell a lot of products
that go inside of you.

Yeah, no,it doesn't really work that way.

A, you have to be invited,

and B,no self-respecting scientist

is going to endorse the nonsenseyour company is pushing.

Excuse me, but
our copper-infused toothpaste

is on the FDA's
top ten items to watch, so...

[ Scoffs ]

Phil!
Phil, can you come in here?

I've worked up
a little presentation

for my Skype interview, and Iwould love to get your feedback.

Yes, please!

You've been such a cheerleaderfor me with all my magic shows

and SCARB dinners,I'd love to be yours.

Hit it.

[ Inhales deeply ]

I'm gonna stop you
right there.

I've been out of work
for a few months,

and I've gotten
kinda antsy.

To channel my anxiety, I have
cleaned, I have organized.

Perhaps
a bit obsessively.

Doctors were consulted.

One -- a therapist,
so not even a real doctor.

But meds
were quickly dismissed.

We didn't wantthe sexual side effects.

Anyway...

I am going to channel my anxietyinto a career.

I am interviewing
for my dream job --

Senior VP of my favorite
organizing chain store,

Organize 'Em!

I'm so excited,
I could have an organaz--

You're better than that.

So, throughout the call,
I'm gonna be referring

to this organizational
system

that I created using
the Organize 'Em products.

Smart.
Yeah. Watch.

Oh, Ms. Beckman,
what an interesting point.

I should jot that down.

Boop.

Bop.[ Pencil sharpener whirs ]

Bam.

[ Saw grinding ]

What the hell is that?

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God. What?

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you,
your dad came over to help me.

I gotta fix
that step.

It splintered.

I wiped out this morning
and landed on my head.

Yeah, but my call.

We gotta take care of that
before someone gets hurt.

Someone did.

I mean, what if it was Haley
with the babies? Or Dylan?

Or...?Or me. I threw up.

Holy Moses. Gloria was here
yesterday in heels.

That could've been
ugly.

[ Sighs ] I'm sleepy.

Buddy, you gotta move.
Someone's gonna trip over you.

Hey, guys, we can't do thisright now, okay?

I've got -- I've gotan interview at 1:23.

Well, that's specific.

No, not for Audrey Beckman.

Her whole life is scheduled downto the second.

She's a god to OCD people.

Why do you thinkI've got that bumper sticker

that says "Straighten It
Like Beckman"?

Can I come down now?

If I don't have
the babies' bottles

when they wake up,
they're mean.

You're not even
in the terrible twos yet.

Oh, when do those start?

Okay, look,
it's almost time.

Just please, nobody make anynoise, nobody go in that office.

I have all my ducks
in a row.

I'm just gonna run upstairsand change my shirt.

Oh, okay,
but be careful.

I know what I'm doing,
I have got this.

Oh!Oh! Oh, boy! Oh, God!

My leg is stuck!

Somebody do something!

I'm really goodat getting rings off.

Do you want meto butter your thighs?

Hey, Dylan, sometimes
I like to play things out

in my head first,
if that's helpful.

[ Cellphone swoops ]

Hey, honey, uh, we need to talk
to you about something.Hey.

Sweetie, this is somethingpretty big,

and I -- I want you
to brace yourself.

The adoption agency
called --

I'm not going back!

Do you know what happens to
soft, entitled kids in Da Nang?

No, no, no, no, no, no!No, no.

N-No. No.

There's a baby boy --

Ohhh.

I think you should do it.

Really?
Just -- Just like that?What?

Whatever stops you
dropping by my sleepovers.

You guys are way
too focused on me.

Plus, I think it'd be fun
to have a baby brother.

Oh?
Although...

Although what?

Aren't you guys kind of old
to be having a baby?

I'm getting into the juicy part
of my teen years.

I don't want to have
to take over for you.

Okay,we are not that old.

You're like 50.[ Gasps ]

[ Stammers ]Oh, my God! No!

Daddy's 44,
and I'm 48.

You do realize when the baby's
a senior in high school,

you guys
will be senior citizens?

We will not be
senior c--

Cam.Sixty-six.

I'll be sixty-six.

And I'll be sixty-one.

Well, sixty-two.

Not until June!

It's not working!My leg is really stuck in there!

It might be time
to return to myidea.

I'm not cutting my leg off.

Think about how fast you would
run with a robot leg.

Luke, your mom's
not getting a robot leg!

She'd need two,
or she'd just run in circles.

Come on, let's checkunder the stairs.

Yes, please, and hurry!

What the hell's the matterwith this house?

How could two steps
be broken?

My God, the humidity.My hair's gonna frizz out.

That's why I never showany pictures from 'Nam.

Oh, no, I totally forgot
about the humidifier

for my mushroom log.

It needed darkness
and moisture.

It must have rotted
the wood.

[ Grunts ]

Wow, honey, you're reallywedged in here tight.

Yeah, no kidding.

Why can't you buy
your mushrooms at a store,

like a normal person?

Store-bought mushrooms?

You really don't getmy generation, Boomer.

Maybe this'll
enlighten you.

Open up.

Get your hand
away from my --

Open up!

That's damn good.

Why do I always
default to "no"?

Is Gloria right?
Should I try slim-cut jeans?

Guys!
What's going on down there?!

Your foot's stuckbetween two copper pipes.

We're gonna have to
cut it.

It might take a while.

I don't have a while!

I can't believe this.
I'm going to miss my interview.

And this was my dream job!

I was gonna get to organize
the whole world.

[ Voice breaking ]
And now everything is
gonna stay so messy.

Can't you just
reschedule it?

No! Phil,
I'd look like a flake!

This is an organizational
company,

not the loosey-goosey
world of real estate,

where everything's
"See you noon to three,

and I'll bring
the cookies"!

Sorry.
I'm lashing out.

No, it's okay.
The lion doesn't lose sleep

over the opinions of sheep.

Honey, just take the callfrom there.

How ridiculous would I look
taking a call on stairs?

Plus, I need my shelves,
'cause I had this whole thing

worked out
with the products and --

You don't need gimmicks!

You were the C.E.O.

for Pritchett's
freakin' Closets.

You know how many peoplecan say that?

Me and you!

And Margaret
every five years,

when I went under
for my colonoscopy.

Fine.
Give me my phone.

I'll bomb the interview
from right here.

[ Whispering ]
She's lost her confidence.
She needs those shelves.

You know what,
if she can't get to the office,

we can bring
the office to her.

You're staring.

I'm frizzing, aren't I?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Alex: I've got to admit,
walking onto that campus...

All those eyes on me,
the adoration...

It felt good.
It felt right.

Like I had earned everything
that was coming my way.

You suck!

No! You!

What?

Helo Dynamics is evil!

Excuse me?
We help people.

Yeah! People like fascists,dictators, oligarchs.

What are you
talking about?

We make things
like facial scanners

that detect predisposition
to genetic diseases.

Which oppressive
governments use

to identify
political dissidents.

[ Scoffs ] Well, I mean,
it's also used on video chats

to turn yourself
into a unicorn.

Name one thing more fun!

Why don't you walk your fancy
shoes outta here, you sellout?!

Why is someone
wearing socks and sandals

yelling at
your fabulous shoes?

Sellout!I don't know!

And what are you
doing here?

Well,
I'm recruiting for NERP.

I told you
I need a science-y person.

You can't just saunter in here.You have to be approved.

Oh. Hey, kid. You don't
care what you look like.
You must be smart.

Want to work at a place
that has a lot of hot girls?

Stop it!

Could you make this horriblesituation any worse?

Hell no, Helo!
It's time you go!

I didn't do that.Together: Hell no, Helo,
it's time you go!

Hell no, Helo,
it's time you go![ Scoffs ] I've never seen nerdsswarm like this before!

We're not typicallya clustering people.

Oh, my God.
It's Arvin.

Oh, no.I emailed him I'd be here.

Oh, this is gonna be
so awkward for me!

The last time I saw him,
I broke his heart.

Awkward for you?

These people hate me so much,they're making eye contact!

Alex? Hi!

What's all the com--

Haley.

Arvin. Hi.

I didn't know
you'd be here.

[ Sighs ] This isn't going
to be easy to say.

I got married,
and I have twins.

I know. Yes.

It was the lead story
in Dylan's holiday newsletter.

You sure you haven't
been stalking a little?

No.
No, that's why.

[ Crowd chanting ]

Alex,
is this directed at you?

Yes. Yes, it is.

And they are so mean!

Hell no, Helo!

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, you -- you all know
I'm a cool guy, right?

I'm chill with you
calling me Arvin.

We had class outside
that one time.

Hmm? Will you just
give us a minute?

I assure you, she will feel
the full effects of my rage.

[ Cheering ]

So, how have you been?Not so great.

They're not fans
of your employer?

Which is so unfair!
[ Scoffs ]

I'm doing very
advanced research

that could have
far-reaching implications.

Yeah. Of course you are.

One sec.

How do you sleep
at night?!

Okay, so, you, too?

No, of course not.

I am not here to judge youor your boss --

Satan!

[ Cheering and whistling ]

Anyway, I just thought I'd dropby and say a quick hello.

Haley, lovely to see you.

You haveto move on.

Alex, I wish you nothingbut the best.

Okay.

Right, guys.
Now with feeling.

Together: Hell no, Helo!
It's time you go!

Hell no, Helo!
It's time you go!

What Lily said
really got to us.

Maybe we aretoo old
to have a new baby.

Yesterday, I found hairson my ears

and I yelled
at the local news.

And I called Seinfeld
"Steinfeld."

[ Inhales sharply ]

You know, but on the other hand,there are a lot

of men our age
having babies.

Yes, but -- but they havesecond wives and nannies --

who are often
the same person.

We just needed
to talk to a -- a parent

that had a baby
when theywere old.

You must be mistaken,because I had Joe when I was 35.

No, I remember.You had just turned --

She's not gonna budge.

Okay, j-just tell us,
how hard is it?

Well, are there nights
where you don't sleep

and you want to kill yourself?

Of course.

Are there shooting pains
in your back

from picking the baby
and putting him down?

Constantly.

Okay, well,
is there a but?

It's hanging in there,
but it's not the same.

Look, I know that you guys worrythat you're too old

or too slow to have
a baby at this age.

But guess what.

You can!

Aah!

What the hell was that?A doll.

It was supposed to prove
that you guys were ready

to have a baby,

but if this was a real one,
you would have killed it.

Well, wouldn't it be your fault
for throwing it?

Give me a break.
I was trying something.

I'm in the middle
of selling a house.

Oh, yeah,it's very cute, by the way.

How many bedrooms is it?

Three and a den.

Oh, that's one more
than we have.

Mitchell,
this house, huh?

Cam, I can't even begin
to think about a house

when we haven't even made a
decision about whether or not

we're going to --But maybe it's a sign.

You know, the new job goes away,a baby comes along,

and all of a sudden,we're standing in a charming

three-bedroom --Three and a half bath.

Which, holy cow, we could affordif we just switch back

to grocery store
face cream.No.

And it's in a great
school district.

You know what?She's right about that.

They have
a full-time nurse.

We have a Band-Aid jarand a can of ginger ale.

Okay, we already have
too much on our plate.

We're not buying
this house!

Oh, and in the basement,
they have a karaoke room

for people that want
to impersonate divas

without their fathers
seeing them.

Well, I guess it wouldn't
hurt to look.

I don't know, guys.
Does it really look
like I'm in my office?

Jaws wasn't a real shark,but I still wouldn't

sit on a toilet seatfor months.

[ Sighs ]How's this angle, Mom?

Um, uh, fine, I guess.

My cheek is itching!
Is there something on my face?

Admiral Ackbar,what the hell happened to you?

I'll bet it was
your stupid mushrooms!

Why do I try new things?

I'm sticking
to my Brett Favre jeans!

[ Laptop ringing ]Oh, God! That's her!
That's her!

Shh! Everybody quiet!

Wait, I have to get up there
with the babies --

Shh! Sit!

Hi, Ms. Beckman.

Thank you
so much for this --

Jay: Achoo!Choo!

...opportunity.

You're welcome.
Achoo!

[ Chuckles ]

I -- I wasn't mocking you.

It's just that wheneverI hear someone sneeze,

I have to sneeze, too,so that it's an even number.

It's --it's perfectly normal.

Oh, no,
I completely understand.

A few years ago, I forgot to tapthe towel rod twice

when I got out of the shower,

and we lost George Michael
that day, so...

[ Whispering ]
That was you?

Let me tell you a little bit about our company.

Oh!
I'd love that.

But first,
I'd like to take some notes.

[ Crashing ]

Tilt up!

That's what I love
about this industry --

never a "dull" moment.

[ Whispering ]
It's not plugged in.

[ Imitating whirring ]

We like to think
of "Organize 'Em"

as a wellness company --

Achoo!

Choo!Achoo!

A mindfulness company.

Are your shelves shaking?

Uh...yeah.

Yeah, I think we're having
a little earthquake.

You know what?
Why don't I tell you

a little something
about myself?

I like to think
that I'm the kind of person

who can see
where the consumer...

trends are leaning,

adjust quickly,

and lean back
the other direction.

[ Grunting ]

[ Baby cooing ]Oh, my God!

Do I love organizing!

Baby,do I love it!

M-Ms. Dunphy,have you been drinking?

[ Whispering ] Just lie.
She can't smell your breath.

No, Poppy, no!

[ Grunts ]

Oh, no.

[ Crashing ]

What the hell
is happening?!

I'm calling it.

I'm sorry, Ms. Beckman.
This was a terrible idea.

I -- Okay.

I fell through a step,
and my leg is stuck.

And listen, there's no company
I would rather work for.

I didn't want to cancel on you,
so I asked my family

to make it look like
this was my office.

Jay Pritchett, closeteer,
but you probably know that.

Achoo!
Achoo!

Could you just please get him out of my ear shot?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Listen, I wanted you
to think that I was a person

who had it all together,
but I'm not.

The reality is
I live in chaos!

But that's why
I love your products.

When -- When my kids
are fighting

or -- or the grandkids
are crying

or my husband is making pancakeson a pogo stick,

I know that I can go into
my office

and file bills
in a color-coded divider

and experience
one moment of peace.

[ Sighs ]

I know I'm what
your company needs,

because I know how much
I need your company.

Wow.

I got the job!

I'm so proud of her!

I guessit's our lucky step.

[ Groans ]
Don't worry. It's just me.

Oh.
See?!

[ Humming ]

You know what?You could have defended me!

Mm. Should I have?

Are you saying you
agree with them?

I found their chant
rather simplistic.

You know, I would have probably
gone with something like...

"Helo Dynamics
is a multinational corporation

that prioritizes
profits over ethics."

I knew it.
You arejudging me.

Do you judge allof your students like this?

Alex...

all my students don't have
the potential you do!

You were extraordinary!

You were meant
to change the world!

And it's not
just me that thinks it.

Dylan said so
in his newsletter.

Oh, spare me.

The sanctimonious academic,looking down on the star pupil

because of herthousand-dollar shoes!

Those shoes
were a thousand dollars?

Damn it.Do they come with medicine
for a village?

You know what?
I hate to say it,

but I don't need your approval,because I love what I do.

Ah. Well,
I am sorry to hear that.

Don't be.I'm sorry because I am
assembling a research team

to create A.I. capable
of everything

from discovering exoplanets
in deep space

to biomarkers of disease
in humans.

And youwould've been
a superbaddition

to an exceptional team.

But pbht!

Well, Professor...

you can take that job...

and give it to me.

But I'm going to need youto match my salary!

I'm not sure we have
that kind of money.

Deal.

I'm gonna go seeif I can still return these.

And finally, back to the
beautiful family room.

It's great.

I mean,
it is beautiful.

I can see you both

having a delightful
misunderstanding here.

Okay, now, Mitchell.Hmm?

You know
I'm not usually impulsive --

Please. You never goto the grocery store alone

and not come home
with a balloon.

But that bathroom
upstairs is amazing.

Yeah, and I -- I do love theidea of me having my own sink.

Our housekeeper would finallyrealize who the realvillain is.

Okay, so we should --
we should do it!

Let's do it!

Buy this house?
Yeah.

We haven't even made a decisionabout the baby yet.

Oh. Another broker
just sent me a text.

An offer is coming
at six o'clock.

Great.Another ticking clock.

Let's also disarm a time bomb

while buying Beyoncé tickets
online

with an expired
credit card.

Okay, that one got to me. I'm
having a hard time breathing.

I feel like I'm gonna
have a heart attack!

And this big family room
with the cozy fireplace

is the perfect place
to have that.

Okay, you know what, Gloria?
Stop.

We -- We --
We need to think.

No, no, no,we do not need to think.

We need to stop this.

Okay, within the span
of eighteen hours,

we're supposed to completelyand utterly change our lives?

No -- No big,life-altering decision

should be made that way.

[ Sighs ]
You're right.

Here, let's --
Then let's not.

Okay.It's just way too much.

When things are right,

i-it shouldn't bea struggle like this.

You just know it.

Yeah. I know.

That little boy, he's gonna findan amazing family, right?

Of course he is.
Yeah. Yeah.

You -- You know what?
I already --

I already feel
a little lighter.

[ Chuckles ]And we don't needthe stress of moving.

No.Because you know what?

I love our house.
I do, too.

It is not perfect.
But neither are we.No. We aren't.

And neither is your car.

Can you please remove that thingfrom the driveway?

I'm trying to sell
a lifestyle here.

[ Cellphone rings ]Is that
the adoption agency?

Yep.

Um...

I'll -- I'll tell them.

[ Cellphone beeps ]Yeah. Yeah.

Hello.

Uh, yes, my husbandand I would love to adopt him.

Let's write up an offer.

♪♪

Dad. Wake up.Oh, what -- what -- what --

I think Daddy took
a sleeping pill again.

[ Groans ] Is he --

Yep.
Okay.

[ Southern accent ]
♪ He taught me to love him

♪ And promised to love

♪ And cherish me
over all others above ♪

Come on, sing it with me,
Tucson![ Knocking on door ]

♪ My poor heart is wonderin',
no misery can tell -- ♪

Hey, Mitchell.I have a dozen wings for Reba.

Yep, okay,
thank you so much, Corey.

We'll see you next time.

Tony, I'm getting a littlefeedback in my ear here.

Tony Hammond,ladies and gentlemen!