Original subtitles

MAKE THIS HO‐MESTIC DOMESTIC.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

HEY.

HEY.

YOU WANT DINNER?

UHH ‐‐

OOH, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

MNH‐MNH. NO NEED TO DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE I'M FITTIN' TO GO TO A PARTY.

NAH, BUT I AM GOING OUT.

OUT? WITH WHO?

MY HOMEGIRL, NUNYA.

NUNYA DAMN BUSINESS.

EVERYONE CANCELS ON ME FOR THIS "NUNYA" PERSON.

[ SIGHS ] AH, DREW!

WHAT?

I STOOD OVER THIS STOVE FOR YOU.

I WENT TO A FARMER'S MARKET!

THERE'S NO FARMERS AT A FARMER'S MARKET.

IT'S JUST MARKET.

I LEARNED ABOUT HERBS I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

"OREGAN‐HO."

"HO‐SLEY."

"DANDE‐HO‐EN."

WHICH IS A BITTER HERB.

THIS REALLY HAS TO STOP.

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

♪♪♪♪

STOP WHAT?

ALL OF THIS.

I MEAN, YOU'RE TRYING TO FEED ME.

HEY!

YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR STRENGTH UP.

SAM! YOU DO!

YOU KNOW I'M A WILD MAN.

I DO.

YOU SEE?

BUT A HO IS STILL GOING OUT.

WAIT, HEY, OH, WAIT, WITH WHO?

NO ONE.

CAN I GO? NO.

OKAY, I'LL TAKE IT AS A YES,

SO I GUESS YOU COULD JUST STAY HERE AND EAT WITH ME.

MNH‐MNH. Y'ALL DON'T PUT ENOUGH SEASONING ON Y'ALL FOOD.

I'M GOOD.

I COOKED. [ SCOFFS ]

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I WANT YOU TO COOK FOR ME?

'CAUSE I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT DINNER?

HMM.

HOW ABOUT YOU JUST DON'T THINK?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

[ SIGHS ] OKAY.

THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK.

W‐W‐W‐WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THIS. YOU AND ME.

I THINK IT'S BEEN FINE. [ CHUCKLES ]

NO, CLEARLY, IT HASN'T.

WAIT.

YOU'RE NOT BREAKING UP WITH ME, ARE YOU?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WAIT, YOU'RE ‐‐ YOU'RE DUMPING ME?

YOU AND I ARE NOT TOGETHER.

I KNOW THAT.

SO WHY ARE YOU COOKING?

WELL, UNBEKNOWNST TO YOU,

I DO THIS FOR ALL MY H‐‐ WOMEN.

WELL, BY ALL MEANS, GO DO IT FOR YOUR "H‐‐ WOMEN"

AT THEIR HOUSE.

YOU DON'T FEEL ANYTHING FOR ME?

PBHT.

BUT WE HAVE SEX.

EVERY NIGHT.

OKAY. YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DO HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU.

DURING THAT HOUR.

AND THAT'S YOUR DESIGNATED TIME SLOT.

YOU'RE MY DESIGNATED TIME SLUT.

JUST KIDDING.

HOUR?!

OKAY, FINE, I'M YOUR SLUT FOR THREE HOURS.

YEAH.

THREE.

YOU A BEAST!

[ BARKING ]

AND I'M BEAUTY.

A TALE AS OLD AS TIME.

AND I KNOW, I TRY.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

YES, IT IS.

LOOK, WE SAID WE'RE ‐‐

WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN, REMEMBER,

AND THAT WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY?

WE'RE NOT.

OKAY, SO DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE,

"[ As Sam ] ARE WE TOGETHER?" "I'M COOKING FOR YOU."

"WHAT TIME YOU GETTING HOME?

CAN I MEET YOUR MOTHER?"

[ Normal voice ] AND WHATEVER YOU DO,

DO NOT SAY "I LOVE YOU."

I DON'T LOVE YOU.

GOOD. RIGHT.

GOOD. GOOD.

'CAUSE THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

OKAY!

AND IF IT GETS ‐‐

ACTUALLY, IT'S ALREADY TOO MUCH.

SO PRETTY SOON, YOU GONNA HAVE TO BOUNCE.

I GET IT, I GET IT.

'CAUSE I MEAN, YOU JUST MY MEANTIME MAN.

ACTUALLY ‐‐ "MEANTIME MAN"?

I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE NICE, STRONG,

BLACK MAN TO COME SWOOP ME UP.

LIKE A RODNEY.

DEANDRE.

JERMAINE, WHAT DO YOU DO?

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU CAN'T GET IT LIKE THAT.

APPARENTLY, THE ONLY THING THAT CAN GET IT

LIKE THAT IS A BIRD.

BIRDS SWOOP THINGS UP.

[ SIGHS ] THEIR PREY.

SO YOU'RE RACIST? HELL, YEAH!

NO, DREW.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

OKAY, FINE. NO, I'M NOT.

BUT I DO WANT A BLACK MAN.

DREW!

LOOK, WE SAID WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN.

AND WHEN WE START TALKING ABOUT ALL THIS,

IT'S NOT FUN ANYMORE!

I SEE.

BUT DO YOU?

DO YOU FEEL ME, THOUGH?

I WANT TO.

I MEAN, YES.

OKAY. SO I THINK I OUGHT TO TAKE YOU UP ON THAT WINE.

AAH.

NOT TOO MANY TANNINS?

[ LAUGHS ] NOPE.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO.

HEY, WHERE ‐‐ WHERE ‐‐ WHERE YOU GOIN'?

WHO YOU TALKIN' TO?

WHO?

YOU'RE NOT TALKIN' TO ME.

YOU MUST BE TALKIN' TO THEM BITTER BEANS

YOU JUST COOKED.

BEANS.

THAT QUESTION IS RESERVED FOR MY MAN,

NOT YOU.

OKAY, OKAY.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

WHO IS THAT?

A STRONG, BLACK MAN.

OH, DEANDRE.

HEY, GIRL, ARE YOU READY?

YEAH. OKAY. HEY, SAM.

RODNEY.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WE'RE GOING TO DINNER.

WHAT? JUST YOU TWO?

YES. TOO ‐‐

MNH‐MNH.

TOO MUCH DIALOGUE.

DON'T ANSWER HIM.

WHY CAN'T I GO?

'CAUSE THE GIRLS NEED TO CATCH UP.

I COULD BE ONE OF THE GIRLS.

OH.

HUH!

NO, YOU CANNOT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST STAY HERE.

OR YOU CAN GO OVER AND HANG OUT WITH DANNY.

OR I COULD DO THAT.

AND DON'T GET INTO BED WITH HIM.

WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?

SAM. SAM.

OKAY, OKAY.

I'M READY TO GO.

OKAY, WELL, LET'S GO.

W‐W‐W‐WHAT RESTAURANT ARE Y'ALL GOING TO?

THE ONE AT THE CORNER OF "YOU'RE NOT INVITED"

AND "BACK UP OFF ME."

OKAY. OKAY, OKAY, I CAN TAKE A HINT.

OKAY, I'M READY NOW.

A‐A‐ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T JUST WANT TO STAY HERE?

I MEAN, I COOKED.

WHY'D YOU COOK?

♪♪ 'CAUSE I WAS COOKIN' FOR ME AND DREW ♪♪

NO, THE HELL YOU WEREN'T.

ALL RIGHT, I WAS COOKING FOR ME.

♪♪ AND I COOKED ENOUGH FOR TWO ♪♪

WAIT, ARE THOSE CANDLES AND WINE?

YES, YES.

UNH‐UNH. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

YOU ASKIN' TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME FOR US TO RIDE.

DREW.

COME ON, TROY!

WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO HIM?

Drew: I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S, LIKE, DIFFERENT.

WELL, WHATEVER IT IS, I DON'T CARE!

[ ELEVATOR DINGS ] WELL, OKAY.

I KNOW YOU DON'T CARE.

BUT I DO.

♪♪♪♪

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

[ BANG! ] OH, SH‐‐

GOT TO BE MORE CAREFUL.

[ SIGHS ]

WELL, I BELIEVE IT'S FIXED, BABY DANNY.

WHOO.

NO, IT'S NOT.

WELL, I DID THE BEST I COULD, HOW ABOUT THAT?

CALL A PLUMBER.

WELL, I CALLED A PLUMBER, BUT YOUR GRANDMA WAS BUSY.

UNCLE FLOYD. YES?

IT'S STILL DRIPPING!

WELL, THEN, HELL, LET IT JUST DRIP.

NO.

WHY NOT?

LOOK, IT'S, LIKE, REAL TRANQUIL.

YOU'RE A NEWLYWED, LIKE CREATING A RAINFOREST.

LIKE, LIKE A PURPLE RAIN.

AH, OOH.

WELL, THE RAINFOREST IS KIND OF MAKING ME HAVE TO PEE.

SAME THING HAPPENED WHEN I WATCHED THE MOVIE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUMP IN THE LAKES OF MINNETONKA.

MOTHER ‐‐ SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

HEY, YOUR SEAT IS UP.

CALL THE PLUMBER.

DOES TROY PEE STANDING UP?

AND WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!

‐HEY, BABY DANNY. ‐HEY, GRANDMA.

HEY.

HEY, BABY. HEY, MAMA.

HEY, SON. HEY.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING? LOOK AT THAT.

HEY, LITTLE SISTER OF MINE.

YOU'RE JUST SO CUTE, YES, YOU ARE.

LOOK AT YOUR BIG BROTHER, BABY DANNY.

[ KISSES ]

[ BABY GIGGLES ]

FULL WORDS, BABY, OKAY?

COMPLETE SENTENCES, OKAY?

YOU SPEAK TO HER IN THE SAME KIND OF WORDS

YOU WANT HER TO USE.

THAT'S ALL SHE BETTER SAY.

SHE BETTER NOT SAY NOTHING ELSE.

I'MA LEAVE ALL Y'ALL ASSES HERE.

SHE BETTER STICK WITH [ BABY TALKS ]

OKAY, GREAT.

SO HERE SHE IS, BABY.

OKAY.

YOU SURE YOU GOT THIS?

IT'S ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS, RIGHT?

YEAH.

I CAN HANDLE THIS.

OKAY, WELL, LOOK, HERE'S OUR NUMBER.

I HAVE YOUR NUMBER.

GIVE ME YOUR PHONE, BABY DANNY,

SO I CAN PUT MY NUMBER IN THERE IN YOUR PHONE.

GRANDMA, I HAVE YOUR NUMBER. I HAVE ALL OF YOUR NUMBERS.

WOULD Y'ALL CALM DOWN?

YOU SURE YOU GOT THIS HERE?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, BABY, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T GO.

YEAH. YEAH.

THE MOVIE THEATER'S RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

BUT IT'S SO FAR. IT'S REALLY TOO FAR.

IT'S ‐‐

OKAY, BABY, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T GO.

[ BABY CRIES ]

GO ON, IT'S YOUR FIRST NIGHT OUT.

GO.

BUT, BABY DANNY, WHERE'S TROY?

SHE WENT OUT TO DINNER.

OH, SO IT'S JUST GONNA BE YOU

AND YOUR BABY SISTER HERE?

YES.

OH, WELL, MAYBE THAT'S FOR THE BEST.

MAMA, SUBLIMINALS.

NOT COOL.

JUST SAYIN', BABY.

MM‐HMM.

BABY DANNY, YOU SURE YOU GOT THIS HERE?

YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY? MAYBE WE SHOULD STAY HOME

AND JUST RENT A MOVIE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

LET'S JUST DO THAT. WHAT?

WE'RE GONNA STAY HOME AND JUST RENT A MOVIE.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

UH‐UH, Y'ALL WAIT A DAMN MINUTE HERE.

I WANT TO GO OUT.

Y'ALL TAKIN' ME TO THAT DAMN MOVIE.

YOU KNOW I LOVE MYSELF SOME TYLER PERRY.

Y'ALL TAKIN' ME TO SEE THAT MOVIE.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU RIGHT, MAMA,

'CAUSE WE KNOW THE ONLY TIME YOU GO TO THE MOVIE IS

WHEN IT'S A TYLER PERRY MOVIE.

YOU DAMN SKIPPY.

I AIN'T ‐‐ I AIN'T GONNA GO SEE NO DAMN SPIKE LEE.

MNH‐MNH.

[ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]

OH, OKAY.

WELL, LOOK, DANNY, YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS,

IF SHE'S ANY PROBLEM AT ALL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CALL US. OKAY.

SHE SHOULD SLEEP, OKAY?

BYE. OKAY.

TAKE CARE, OKAY, BYE.

BYE. BYE, HONEY.

WHERE THE HELL IS FLOYD AT?

FLOYD!

[ SPRAYING ]

HERE I GO!

WHOO!

COME ON, YOU KNOW WE GOIN' TO THE MOVIE

TO SEE TYLER PERRY'S NEW MOVIE.

OH, GOOD. I LOVE HIM.

WELL, COME ON, THEN!

LET'S GO!

ALL RIGHT. BYE‐BYE.

[ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]

NO, MAMA, NO!

BABY, WHAT THE ‐‐

KISS THAT BABY ON THE MOUTH.

I TOLD YOU ABOUT KISSING HER ON THE MOUTH, MAMA!

OH!

WHERE THE HELL SHE THINKS SHE GOT HIM?

KISSING SOMEBODY ON THE MOUTH ‐‐

THAT'S HOW SHE GOT HIM, TOO.

DAMN.

HEY, SAVE SOME OF THEM SUPER ANTIBIOTICS

FOR THE BABY.

SHE GONNA BE THE YOUNGEST BABY AT THE CLINIC.

"THE BABY'S GOT SOME BIG OLD BLISTERS ON HIS LIPS."

THEY'RE ALL CRAZY, BUT IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I NEED TO TALK AT YOU.

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT YOUR DAMN BILL.

DO WE ALL HAVE TO ENTERTAIN THIS?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID WHEN I WAS WITH HER.

WE GONNA TALK ABOUT THAT OTHER SITUATION, TOO.

WHAT SITUATION?

YOU GONNA TRY TO SIT HERE AND ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW

YOU AND DREW ON THIS.

OKAY.

WHAT?! OH, HELL.

[ ELEVATOR DINGS ] COME ON, NOW.

THERE IS NO WAY THAT'S HAPPENING.

FLOYD, WHERE THERE'S A WILL,

THAT'S A WAY.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON NOW.

COME ON NOW. THIS IS NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.

THIS IS NONE OF OUR BUSINESS, MAMA.

THIS IS NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.

LET'S GO.

BUT WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU TALKING ABOUT ALL OF US GETTING ON THAT ELEVATOR?

YES, SIR.

HELL TO THE NAH.

NO, NO, THERE'S NO WAY.

UHH, I'M GONNA GET ON THERE,

BUT ONLY AFTER I OPEN UP THIS HERE CAN OF WHUP‐ASS.

THAT CAN'S EXPIRED.

MM‐HMM.

COME ON, CHAMP.

BYE, SAM. ‐YEP, YEP.

BYE, SAM. BYE.

Floyd: IF YOU GONNA WHUP HIS ASS,

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN FIND IT.

I'VE BEEN DOING BUTT LIFTS.

[ SIGHS ] HEY, SAM.

HEY. WHAT'S UP?

AWW. YOU'RE BABYSITTING?

YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ]

AWW. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH. ISN'T SHE?

YEAH.

AS LONG AS SHE'S ASLEEP.

WHAT ‐‐

LEAVE HER ALONE.

I KIND OF WANT HER TO WAKE UP,

SO SHE CAN GET TO KNOW HER BIG BROTHER, BABY DANNY.

THINKING ABOUT HAVING ONE OF THESE?

WELL, NOT ANYTIME SOON.

IS TROY TALKING ABOUT IT?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

WELL...

I'M THINKING ABOUT HAVING ONE.

YEAH, YOU ‐‐ WAIT, WHAT?

YEAH.

UHH, YOU NEED ONE WOMAN FIRST.

I MET ONE.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH. I KNEW IT!

HOW'D YOU KNOW?

YOU BEEN ACTING ALL DIFFERENT, ALL NICE AND SWEET,

AND YOU JUST...DIFFERENT.

YEAH.

S[ SIGHS ]

SAM.

IS THAT THE SIGH OF LOVE?

YES.

AND THE TEARS OF LOVE.

OH, NO.

OH, MAN.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE ME.

WELL, IT WAS YOU.

AWW.

BRO HUG. BRO HUG.

‐STAY A LITTLE LONGER. ‐THAT'S ENOUGH.

SO, TELL ME ABOUT THIS GIRL.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

I WOULDN'T EXPECT ANYTHING LESS.

AND HER SMILE AND HER LAUGH ARE AMAZING.

YOU DIDN'T MENTION HER ASS ONCE.

I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL I SAW WAS HER FACE.

YEAH. I MEAN, THAT'S GREAT, TOO, THOUGH.

BUT, SAM, YOU DIDN'T LEAD WITH THAT.

YOU ALWAYS LEAD WITH THE BOOTY.

YEAH.

THAT'S MY DUTY.

SAM, YOU'VE CHANGED.

YEAH, I KNOW. I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

GOOD FOR YOU, BUDDY.

YEAH, IT IS.

SO, WHEN CAN I MEET HER?

WELL...

♪♪♪♪

WHAT? I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON, I'M YOUR BRO.

BRO‐FESSOR, BRO‐TATO CHIP, TEDDY BRO‐SEVELT.

YOUR FELLOW BRO‐MO SAPIEN.

I SHOULD MEET HER.

AND YOU'RE MY BRO‐MOSEXUAL.

WE'RE JUST TWO SHIPS OUT ON THE BRO‐CEAN.

BRO, TOO, TOO FAR.

SO, I JUST DON'T THINK SHE'S READY TO MEET YOU YET.

WELL, WHY?

WELL, SHE'S SHY.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU GOT YOURSELF A SHY GIRL?

[ LAUGHS ]

WHY ARE YOU SO SHY‐PRISED?

SAM, COME ON.

YOU GET THOSE WILD AND CRAZY GIRLS

THAT STAND ON BALCONIES AND BEG FOR BEADS.

"WHOO! GIVE ME SO‐‐"

[ BABY CRIES ] OH, OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

SHH, SHH, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

SHE'S GONNA WANT SOME BEADS, SOON.

SHH.

STOP IT. DON'T TALK ABOUT MY SISTER.

IT'S OKAY, NO BEADS FOR YOU.

NO BEADS FOR YOU.

WELL, HEY, YOU DESERVE ONE.

SO, WHO IS THIS GIRL?

LET'S JUST SAY SHE'S SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL.

WHO IS SHE?

I CAN'T TELL YOU YET.

MM, FINE, KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE.

I DON'T MEAN TO.

OKAY, FINE.

WELL, SOONER OR LATER, I'LL MEET HER.

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE?

SURE, I JUST NEED TO GO TURN OFF THE STOVE.

OKAY, I'LL JUST BE HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT THE ‐‐

♪♪♪♪