Original subtitles

YOUR MOTHER.

YEAH, I KNOW.

TALKING ABOUT ME AT THAT DINER AGAIN.

I KNOW.

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS EAT.

I KNOW.

BUT WOULD SHE LET ME DO THAT?

HUH?!

NO, BABY. SHE DIDN'T.

I KNOW SHE DIDN'T.

YOU AIN'T GOT TO SCARE ME LIKE THAT.

I GET IT.

WHAT KIND OF MOTHER IS SHE ANYWAY?

WELL, NOT TOO MUCH.

JESUS WAS THE ONLY PERFECT ONE, ALL RIGHT?

I JUST WANT TO POINT THAT OUT.

TALK ABOUT MY MAMA.

SHE IS MY MOTHER‐IN‐LAW AND EVERYTHING,

BUT SHE DON'T GOT TO BE TREATING ME LIKE THAT.

‐OH, LORD! NO. ‐FOR REAL.

UNH‐UNH.

WHAT?

BABY, IT'S HAVE TO.

WHAT?

I'M SAYING THAT MY MOTHER

DOESN'T HAVE TO TREAT YOU LIKE THAT.

RIGHT. SHE DIDN'T GOT TO.

GEEZ. THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

I GIVE UP, LORD.

HELP HER.

SHE CAN'T TALK.

WHAT'D YOU GIVE UP ON?

NOTHING, BABY.

YOU GIVE UP ON ME?

NO, NO, JUST MY MOTHER INTERFERING WITH US

AND YOU BEING ABLE TO TALK PROPERLY.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR LISTENING, DANNY.

‐IS THAT WHAT I WAS DOING? ‐MM‐HMM.

OH, YEAH. SURE, BABY, ANY DAY.

I MEAN, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR HAPPY TIME.

IT IS.

THIS IS OUR HONEYMOON STAGE, YOU KNOW?

WE SHOULD BE HAPPY ALL OF THE TIME.

YEAH, BABY. YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE SHOULD BE MAKING LOVE ALL THE TIME.

OOOH!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THERE.

MMM.

DANNY, THEN COME OVER HERE.

OH, YOU AIN'T SAID NOTHING BUT A WORD, MAMA.

WORD?

YEAH, WHAT ELSE YOU WANT TO SAY?

‐DANNY. ‐OH, YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT, GIRL, CALL MY NAME.

YEAH, NOW SPANK MY ASS.

COME ON. SPANK IT NOW.

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

‐DANNY. ‐MORE THAN ONCE.

‐DANNY! ‐YES, I CAN TAKE IT!

YOUR PHONE IS RINGING.

HUH?

OH.

DAMN. IT'S MY MAMA.

‐THIS MOTHER...MM. ‐HEY, HEY!

THIS MOTHER OF MINE...

IS A LOVELY MOTHER... OF MINE.

MM‐HMM.

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

♪♪♪♪

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

TROY.

DANNY, IF YOU ANSWER THAT PHONE,

I WILL BREAK YOUR FINGERS AND THAT'S A PROMISE.

I BELIEVE YOU, BUT THAT'S JUST RUDE.

AND YOU ENJOY THESE FINGERS MORE THAN I DO.

I'M NOT GONNA BREAK THAT ONE.

DO NOT ANSWER THAT PHONE.

OKAY.

‐THANK YOU. ‐I'M SORRY.

I'M SO TIRED OF YOU SAYING THAT. UGH.

BABY, I BROUGHT YOU INTO ALL OF THIS.

BUT, BABE, YOU'RE WORTH IT.

AWW, THANK YOU, BABY.

BUT I'M STILL HUNGRY.

OKAY, WELL, I CAN COOK SOMETHING FOR YOU.

MNH‐MNH. NO.

‐WHAT? ‐I'VE HAD YOUR COOKING.

BABY, YOU KNOW I COULD COOK.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOUR COOKING IS WORSE THAN YOUR MOTHER'S.

SHEE, AIN'T NOBODY THAT BAD.

WAIT NOW.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW SHE'LL APPEAR IF YOU TALK ABOUT HER.

‐OH! MM‐HMM.

YEAH, YOU RIGHT.

LIKE A HORROR MOVIE.

MM. ‐YEAH.

‐WITH THAT BIG OLD HEAD. ‐HOLD ON, NOW.

MM‐HMM.

AND THOSE FANGS.

TROY!

AND THOSE BIG‐ASS ‐‐ OOH ‐‐ THOSE BIG FEET.

JUST...

TROY.

Y'ALL WEAR THE SAME SHOE SIZE.

NO. I WEAR AN 11.

YOUR MOTHER WEARS A 13.

SHE CAN'T HELP THAT.

THAT TALL.

TROY!

‐AND TOWERING OVER ‐‐ ‐TROY!

HOVERING OVER YOU. MM.

WHAT?

THAT'S MY MAMA.

I MEANT THAT WITH LOVE, BABY.

WITH DEVIL LOVE.

YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT WITH NO LOVE.

WELL, I TRIED.

WELL, TRY HARDER. YOU KNOW WHAT?

BUT I REALLY AM HUNGRY, BABY.

OKAY, WELL, LET'S JUST SEE WHAT'S IN HERE TO EAT.

OOH.

Troy: MNH‐MNH.

WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S MY LUNCH BOX.

YOU ARE TOO OLD TO HAVE A LUNCH BOX

WITH CARTOON CHARACTERS ON IT.

YEAH, BUT IT'S MISS MADEA LUNCH BOX.

YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOU LOVE ABOUT ME.

[ SIGHS ] BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD REALLY LOVE

IS IF YOU WOULD GROW THE HELL UP.

THEN WHO WOULD I BE?

A MAN.

‐YOUR MAN. ‐MM‐HMM.

HA, HA.

YEAH.

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

‐YOU SEE? ‐OH, LORD!

YOU AIN'T GOT TO TALK ABOUT MY MAMA'S FEET.

I KNOW YOU AIN'T ANSWERING THAT PHONE.

I'M NOT GONNA ANSWER IT.

SURE YOU DON'T LIKE MY LUNCH BOX?

‐BABY. ‐THE BABY IS COMING!

I KNOW! ALL RIGHT, BABY, JUST SQUEEZE MY HAND.

JUST SQUEEZE IT. WHOA, OH, OH!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

BABY, NOT SO HARD.

MOVE!

BABY, DAMN. I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

I SAID, "MOVE!"

OH! YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU ALL RIGHT?

‐DAMN. ‐YOU ALL RIGHT?

NO, MAMA!

I'M NOT ALL RIGHT!

‐NO, NO, NO. ‐DAMN.

MNH‐MNH.

DREW, DID Y'ALL CALL THE AMBULATE?

DID WE CAUSE AN AVALANCHE?

AMBULANCE.

OH, I WAS WONDERING 'CAUSE THIS IS A WARM CLIMATE.

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

THAT'S GOT TO BE 911 CALLING BACK.

HELLO, THIS THE AMBULANCE?

WHAT?

SO, I THOUGHT YOU SUPPOSED TO BE CALLING THE AMBULANCE, FLOYD.

‐I WAS. ‐YOU'RE A DAMN LIAR.

THIS HERE IS THE PIZZA PARLOR.

‐WHAT? ‐THE WHAT?

‐THE PIZZA PARLOR. ‐PIZZA PARLOR.

I GOTTA BRUSH UP ON MY HATTIE‐NESE HERE.

UH‐HUH.

DID YOU ORDER A PIZZA, FLOYD?

WITH EXTRA PEPPERONI?

HE SAY YOU GOT EXTRA PEPPERONI ON THERE?

HEY, HEY, HEY.

GET YOU SOME, GET YOU SOME.

CAN YOU PUT A LITTLE CHEESE ON THERE?

MAMA!

HUH?

ANYBODY WANT SOMETHING?

THEN PUT SOME MILK ON ONE SIDE, TOO.

HOW COULD YOU ORDER A PIZZA AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

PLAYER GOT TO EAT.

BUT YOU'RE AT A DINER.

I AIN'T ABOUT TO EAT THIS BULL SH‐‐

‐FLOYD! ‐IT.

DREW, DREW!

GO CALL AN AMBULANCE.

DREW! GO CALL CALL THE AMBULANCE!

I'M SORRY!

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAYING.

AMBULANCE.

‐OH. ‐YOU DID IT, BABY.

STAY LIKE THAT. YOU HEAR ME?

I AIN'T TELL THE BABY TO STAY.

YOU SHUT THE HELL UP. YOU HEAR ME?

TELL THAT BABY STAY IN NOW.

FLOYD? GO BOTTLE SOME WATER.

WHAT?

FOR WHAT?

WHAT? ALL YOU ACT LIKE YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND ME!

GO BOTTLE SOME WATER!

WATER.

‐SO MRS. HATTIE? ‐HUH?

WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO?

IT'S OKAY, BABY. IT'S OKAY. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

KEEP RIGHT ON DOING WHAT YOU DOING

'CAUSE I LIKE THE WAY YOU DO THAT RIGHT THERE.

WHAT THE HELL? THAT'S ‐‐ THAT'S NASTY.

NO.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

TELL THAT BABY STAY IN THERE.

PEEP YOUR LITTLE HEAD OUT HERE, I'M JUST GONNA BEAT ‐‐

AH!

YOU SEE WHAT HAPPEN YOU COME OUT HERE.

OHH, OHH, OHH.

‐THE BABY CAN'T EVEN SEE YET. ‐BABY, BABY.

BREATHE.

CHI, CHI, CHI, CHI.

CHI, CHI, CHI.

GO AHEAD, BUBBY. DREW!

YEAH, I'M ON MY GRANDMOTHER PHONE.

NAH, THEY AIN'T GONNA CHARGE ME.

THIS BETTER BE THE AMBULANCE

'CAUSE I'M FITTING TO KILL THIS HO.

MY DAUGHTER HAVING A BABY ON THE "BIACH."

ON THE WHAT?

NO, NO, I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT NO ‐‐

I SAID ON THE "BIACH," BITCH.

THAT ‐‐ THAT ‐‐ THAT ‐‐ THAT ‐‐ THAT'S ONE

OF MY PRISON MEN.

EXACTLY WHERE I'M FITTING TO GO.

COME OUT BEHIND THERE.

I'M SORRY.

COME OUT FROM BEHIND THAT ‐‐

[ YELLS INDISTINCTLY ]

Y'ALL KNOW I GET HORNY WHEN I'M NERVOUS.

OOH, OOH, OOH!

[ Crying ] I'M NEVER GONNA GET HELP.

YEAH, THEY ‐‐ THEY PUT SOME ‐‐

THEY PUT SOME MILK ON THE PIZZA FOR YOU.

HEY, WHO YOU CALLING NOW?

DANNY. HE SHOULD BE HERE.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

GO AHEAD AND CALL HIM. GO AHEAD AND CALL HIM.

‐MMM. ‐BREATHE.

TELL ME WHY HE IS NOT ANSWERING.

Hattie: BREATHE.

JUST CALL FROM SOMEBODY ELSE'S PHONE.

CALL FROM EVERYBODY ELSE'S PHONE UNTIL HE ANSWERS.

GREAT IDEA.

THAT'S WHAT I DO WITH ALL MY MEN.

I CAN'T WRACK UP THAT BILL, COME ON.

HAND OVER YOUR PHONES.

‐YOU GOT YOUR PHONE? ‐Y'ALL GET MY ‐‐

HAND OVER YOUR PHONE.

HELL, CALL ANYBODY'S PHONE BUT Y'ALLS

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HE CAN'T STAND THE TWO OF Y'ALL RIGHT NOW.

‐FLOYD? ‐YEAH?

I THINK YOU SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT HERE.

HEY, I THINK HE ALREADY BEEN LIKE THAT.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S HOW SHE GOT THAT WAY.

SHUT UP. SHUT UP.

NASTY.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS]

OH, WHAT?

DO NOT ANSWER THAT PHONE.

‐TROY. ‐MNH‐MNH.

IT'S MY MAMA.

IT'S...

IT'S ALWAYS YOUR MAMA.

I'M NOT LETTING YOU ANSWER.

‐TROY. ‐NO, NO, NO.

OKAY, WELL, SINCE YOU PUT IT THAT WAY.

YES.

I PUT IT THAT WAY AND I CAN PUT IT THIS WAY.

AH!

AND...THIS WAY.

AH. OH.

I LIKE THE WAY YOU PUT THAT, GIRL.

I KNOW YOU DO.

HMM.

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ] BABY!

‐NO. ‐COME ON, I NEED TO GET IT.

‐NO. ‐YEAH, BUT IT'S UNCLE FLOYD.

SO?

WHY THE HELL WOULD HE BE CALLING ME?

I DON'T CARE, DANNY.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S UNCLE FLIZZOYD.

WHO ALWAYS WANT MONEY‐ZOYD.

YEAH, YOU RIGHT.

‐MM‐HMM. ‐BROKEBACK BASTARD.

[ RINGING CONTINUES ]

SO IGNORE IT.

‐OKAY, OKAY, I'LL IGNORE IT. ‐BUT DON'T IGNORE ME.

OOH, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

AH.

[ GIGGLES ]

YOU WOULDN'T?

NO, GIRL. DO THIS ONE.

AH.

YOU NASTY.

SHOW ME SOME ATTENTION.

MM, OKAY.

AH!

WELL, I'VE BEEN SHOWING YOU SOME ATTENTION.

WELL, SHOW ME SOME RIGHT HERE.

‐OOH, OKAY. ‐AND RIGHT HERE

MM‐HMM.

AND RIGHT HERE.

[ SPITS ]

BABY?

WHAT, DANNY?

UH, THOSE ARE YOUR EARS.

AND?

YOU NEED TO CLEAN 'EM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHAT, BABY, JUST A LITTLE WIPE DOWN...

WITH BLEACH.

‐DANNY. ‐WHAT?

COME ON, GIRL, JUST ‐‐

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YEAH AND WHAT IS ‐‐

WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR NECK?

IT'S LILAC.

LILAC, BABY?

YOU DON'T LIKE THE FRAGRANCE.

I DO IN A FAR‐OFF LAND JUST NOT IN MY MOUTH.

DANNY.

WELL, BABY, YOU NEED TO GO WASH THAT OFF.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BE ROMANTIC, DON'T YOU?

WELL, I DID UNTIL TASTED THE GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE.

WELL...

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

‐UGH! ‐TURN YOUR RINGER OFF.

WELL, I KNOW FOR DAMN SURE I AIN'T ANSWERING THAT CALL.

‐WHO IS IT? ‐SAM.

YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR NUMBER.

BUT I'VE HAD THAT NUMBER FOR YEARS.

WELL, IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE.

OOH, YEAH, YOU RIGHT.

SO, WHEN YOU WANT TO DO IT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU

WASHING THAT DEVIL'S WORK OFF YOUR NECK.

DANNY.

WHAT, BABY, I'M JUST SAYING.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KEEP ON JUST SAYING

AND YOU GONNA BE JUST SLEEPING ON THIS JUST COUCH.

BABY, THAT'S NOT PROPER ENGLISH.

WHAT IS A JUST COU‐‐ OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S ALL CALM DOWN. EVERYBODY, JUST CALM DOWN.

BABY, YOU KNOW WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN HONEST WITH EACH OTHER.

YES, WE HAVE.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ] DAMN!

RIGHT. TURN IT OFF.

‐IT'S DREW. ‐AGH!

WHY ARE ALL OF THEM CALLING YOU?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I AIN'T ANSWERING HER CALL EITHER.

‐CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. ‐YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.

SO, WHERE WERE WE?

OH, OOH!

MMMM.

WHAT, I'M TALKING 'BOUT YOU

WASHING THAT STUFF OFF YOUR NECK.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YES, NOW, GIRL, NOW SHOW ME.

SHOW ME.

OKAY, YOU.

LET ME TASTE YOUR NECK.

PSH, OKAY!

DAMN, OKAY.

‐WHAT? ‐THAT TASTE.

‐GOOD? ‐MMM. YOU'RE A MAN.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TASTE LIKE THAT.

GIRL, I SPRING CLEAN... EVERYWHERE.

MANSCAPE.

BAM.

WELL, I NEED TO USE WHAT YOU'RE USING.

WELL, IT'S CALLED NOTHING.

NOTHING.

OH. ‐YES, BY GOD.

MY NATURAL ESSENCES.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

UGH! ‐DAMN.

YEAH, DAMN IS RIGHT.

WHO IS IT? YOUR MAMA AGAIN?

NO, IT'S MY GRANDMA.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING THAT.

WHY WOULD SHE BE CALLING ME?

I DON'T KNOW, DANNY, AND I REALLY DON'T CARE.

YEAH, BUT, BABY, WHAT IF SOMETHING IS WRONG?

WHAT IF NOTHING'S WRONG?

YEAH, BUT WHAT IF SOMEONE'S HURT OR SOMETHING?

AIN'T NOBODY HURT.

AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

DANNY, WOULD ALL OF THEM BE CALLING YOU

AT THE SAME TIME TO TELL YOU THEY'RE HURT?

COULD BE.

GRANDMA CALLED ME ALL THE WAY IN THE HOUSE ONE TIME

JUST TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL.

IT'S HALFWAY DOWN THE STREET.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING THAT.

TROY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? GO AHEAD, ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE.

OKAY. HELLO? HELLO?

HEY, GRAND‐‐ SHE HUNG UP.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST TRY AND CALL HER BACK.

YOU DO THAT.

WAIT, THIS IS A TEST.

IS THAT A "YOU DO THAT" BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO

OR "YOU DO THAT" AND I'MA SLAP THE HELL OUT OF YOU?

YOU GUESSED IT.

OH, SORRY, BABY.

I'M SURE THEY'RE ALL FINE.

YES, THEY ARE.

NOT AS FINE AS YOU, MY LITTLE CHOCOLATE DROP.

YES, THEY ARE AS FINE AS ME. OKAY?

I HOPE EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.

BABE, THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE OF

IS THAT I'M ALL RIGHT.

I'M WITH YOU, GIRL. MY LITTLE GHETTO GIRL.

MY LITTLE GHETTO CHOCOLATE DROP.

ALL RIGHT THEN.

WELL, UH, LET'S COME BACK IN THIS BEDROOM THEN.

‐OOH, OKAY. ‐COME ON.

OKAY.

WELL, BABY, AIN'T YOU GONNA WASH THAT OFF?

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

DANNY.

I'M WITH YOU, BOO.

I'M WITH YOU, GIRL.

WHOEVER THAT IS, THEY'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT.

THAT'S IT.

BABY, WASH THAT OFF. I CAN STILL SMELL IT.

THE BABY IS COMING!

OKAY, BABY. YOU HOLDING ON.

YOU HOLD ON. HOLD ON, BABY. NOT TO MY HEAD THOUGH.

NO, DON'T HOLD ON, BABY.

LET GO.

OH, OKAY, OKAY.

WHERE THE HELL IS THAT AMBULANCE?

WHERE'S THAT DAMN PIZZA?

‐HEY! ‐DAMN.

[ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]

SEE, THIS RIGHT HERE?

THIS IS GONNA SCAR ME FOR LIFE.

YEAH AND HER TOO.

WHEN I PUSHED HER BIG HEAD OUT,

I NEVER COULD RECOVER.

THAT'S WHY YOU WALK LIKE THAT.

THE BABY IS COMING.

‐WHAT? ‐IT'S COMINGGGGGGGGG!

OH, DAMN.

NOW, THAT'S A BABY ANNOUNCEMENT RIGHT THERE.

MOTHER, HELP ME.

HELP ME, HELP ME. HELP ME.

I DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT DELIVERING NO BABY.

MAMA, THE BABY IS COMING.

I TOLD YOU TAKE THAT MATERNITY LEAVE.

HATTIE, HATTIE, YOU AIN'T GOT NO MATERNITY LEAVE.

OH, DAMN!

OH. [ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]

UNH‐UNH, STAY WITH IT.

MNH‐MNH, DON'T YOU ‐‐ MNH‐MNH, DON'T YOU LOSE IT.

WHERE IS THE AMBULANCE?

I WOULDN'T KNOW,

BUT THEY BETTER GET HERE SOON

'CAUSE SHE ABOUT TO HAVE THIS HERE BABY

RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW.

I AIN'T CUT OUT FOR THIS HERE THING.

AAAAAAH!

OH!

OH!

AAAAHH!

OOH‐WEE.

THAT'S A LONG NOTE.

OH.

HELL.

OHH!