Original subtitles

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

HE ‐‐ HE AIN'T GOT THE SENSE GOD GAVE A BILLY GOAT.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHY YOU GOTTA COME ALL CLOSE TO ME LIKE THAT THERE?

FLOPPING DOWN ON MY COOKIES.

HEY THERE.

HEY, MAMA.

WHAT YOU DOING?

I WAS GONNA WATCH A MOVIE.

YOU AIN'T GOT NO DATE TONIGHT?

NO.

WELL, WHY NOT?

MAMA, CAN WE PLEASE JUST HAVE A QUIET NIGHT TONIGHT?

NOPE.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE I CAN'T STAND YOU SOMETIMES.

MAMA!

I WAS JUST TEASING WITH YOU.

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO WATCH?

MY STORIES.

GIRL!

I DONE TOLD YOU ABOUT TOUCHING ON MY COOKIES.

THEY MIGHT CRUMBLE.

OH, MAMA, THEM COOKIES BEEN CRUMBLED.

[ LAUGHS ]

THEY WEREN'T BROKE WHEN YOU COME OUT.

HERE. AHH.

YEAH.

W‐‐

MAMA, THESE ARE FROM THE 1970s.

AND THEY BOOTLEG.

WELL, SO WHAT?

YOUR BOOTLEG AIN'T EVEN GOT NO PICTURE ON IT.

I DON'T BUY BOOTLEG.

[ SNIFFS ] THAT BOOTLEG AS HELL.

WELL, AT LEAST MY BOOTLEG MAN PUT ME A PICTURE ON MINE.

[ SIGHS DEEPLY ] MAMA, CAN WE PLEASE WATCH A MOVIE?

WHAT YOU GOT?

I WANNA WATCH SOMETHING THAT'S SWEET

AND PENETRATES THE HEART,

ABOUT A MAN AND A WOMAN.

LINDA, YOU BEEN IN MY PONE AGAIN?

IN YOUR WHAT? MY PORN.

YOU KNOW, PORN.

[ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ] JUMP ON!

GO AHEAD! JUMP ON!

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

RIDE 'EM! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

MAMA.

[ HUMMING ]

[ High‐pitched voice ] OH! OH!

OH, BABY! COME ON, BABY!

MAMA! WHAT?

[ Clenched teeth ] STOP IT!

WELL, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT PORN IS THEN.

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH PORN.

ENOUGH, MAMA.

WHY? IT'S EDUCATIONAL.

I BE LEARNING SO MANY THINGS.

BACKFLIP!

RAWR, RAWR, RAWR!

TUCK AND DIVE!

YOU'LL LEARN SOME THINGS IF YOU TRY.

MAMA, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT

YOUR PORNOGRAPHY GYMNASTICS.

I KNOW YOU WERE WATCHING IT.

THAT'S THE NAME OF THE TAPE ‐‐ "PORNOGRAPHY GYMNASTICS."

WAIT, WHAT YOU GOT?

WELL, THIS ONE IS A LOVE STORY

ABOUT A MAN WHO LOVES HIS WIFE SO MUCH

HE GIVES UP HIS ENTIRE LIFE FOR HER.

IT'S SO SWEET.

LINDA, HOW MANY TIMES YOU DONE WATCHED THAT?

JUST, LIKE, SEVEN...

I KNOW ‐‐ TEEN.

LINDA! MA'AM?

YOU NEED TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH A MAN.

[ SIGHS ] MAMA.

WHAT? YOU NEED TO GO AND CALL PHILIP.

YOU KNOW I AM NOT CALLING HIM.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE HE MADE WILL BREAK UP WITH ME.

WELL, YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING, 'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE

AND WATCH THIS HERE FOOLISHNESS WITH YOU.

OH, MAMA.

WHAT? GO AND CALL PHILIP. NOW LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

NO, I'M NOT.

OKAY, THEN IF YOU DON'T, I WILL.

YOU WILL NOT.

WELL, LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. GO AND CALL HIM THEN.

I'M NOT CALLING HIM, BUT I WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE.

THAT'S ALL I HAD TO DO TO GET RID OF HER?

[ LAUGHS ] AIN'T THAT NICE?

AIN'T THAT NICE?

SHE GONNA ACT LIKE SHE AIN'T GONNA CALL PHILIP.

SHE KNOWS SHE'S GLAD I TOLD HER WHAT BEEN SAID.

COULDN'T WAIT TO GET UP THERE AND CALL PHILIP BACK.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YEAH!

WELL, LOOK, HAS SHE HEARD FROM HIM AT ALL?

NO. WILL AIN'T CALL HER IN TWO DAYS.

WELL, DID SHE CALL HIM?

NO. SHE GETTING ON MY DAMN NERVE AT THE HOUSE, TOO.

YOU ABOUT TO GET MADDER IN A SECOND.

WHY YOU SAY THAT?

LOOK.

HEY, FLIP!

IT'S PHILIP.

NOW HE'S "FLIP," 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WANNA DO ‐‐ FLIP YOU.

WHAT?

OW!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

IT'S GROWING THROUGH YOUR CLOTHES.

YOU'RE LIKE A HUMAN POT SCRUBBER.

[ CHUCKLES ] GO AWAY FROM HERE, FLOYD, BEFORE I SCRUB YOUR ASS.

FLIP! SO YOU JUST COULDN'T STAY AWAY, COULD YOU?

I TRIED.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU DID. [ LAUGHS ]

WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU?

TWO SIDES OF LINDA ON A PLATTER.

[ LAUGHS ] [ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S A BIG OL' PLATTER. SURE IS!

YOU GET THAT SIDE, I'LL GET THIS SIDE.

OH! WAIT A MINUTE.

SHOULD'VE NEVER GAVE YOU THE HEAD.

NO. MM.

HELP ME GET IT UP. STAY WITH IT.

[ LAUGHS ] DON'T PUT YOUR BACK OUT.

AH! AH AH AH!

HUH. YEAH.

WHAT YOU NEED?

IS SHE HERE?

YEAH, SHE BACK THERE IN THE BACK.

YOU WANNA GO TALK TO HER?

NO. UH...

ACTUALLY, I JUST CAME FOR LUNCH. I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.

REALLY?

WELL, UH... [ CLEARS THROAT ]

I GUESS I'LL GO IN AND PUT YOUR USUAL IN AND EVERYTHING.

ALL RIGHT? YEAH. THANK YOU.

BE RIGHT BACK. CALL IT IN.

WE'LL A LITTLE SHORTHANDED.

[ RINGS BELL ]

I NEED A HATTIE PATTIE, CUP OF THAT COFFEE.

GOT THAT.

PHILIP.

HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD. YOU?

GOOD.

YOU REALLY LOOK NICE TODAY.

I WEAR THIS OUTFIT EVERY TIME YOU SEE ME.

WELL, TODAY IT LOOKS ‐‐

NICE.

YEAH. I GET IT.

LOOK, I'M REALLY ‐‐ WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

DON'T. OKAY, JUST...DON'T.

OKAY. SORRY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ Lowered voice ] DAMN. [ Lowered voice ] I KNOW.

SHE AIN'T GIVING HIM NO PLAY.

NONE.

BUT I'M‐A HELP HIM OUT, THOUGH.

HOW?

I'M‐A TELL HIM WHAT HE NEED TO DO

TO GET HER TO RELAX SOME MORE.

HE CAN'T HIT HER IN THE HEAD, HATTIE.

NO.

I'M JUST GONNA TELL HIM WHAT MY MAN USED TO DO TO ME

TO GET ME TO CHILL OUT.

LOOK...

NO ILLEGAL DRUGS THIS TIME.

FLOYD, I AIN'T DOING NO ILLEGAL DRUGS!

AND NO PRESCRIPTION DRUGS THIS TIME, EITHER.

WELL, YOU KNOW ME.

YES, I DO. YOU NEED TO LET THAT GO.

AIN'T LETTING NOTHING GO! MOVE, FLOYD.

HATTIE. MOVE!

[ Whispers ] CUSTOMERS.

THAT NOT ABOUT NO CUSTOMERS.

FLIP!

NOW THIS HERE DONE GONE ON LONG ENOUGH!

IT'S ABOUT TIME FOR YOU TO DIVIDE AND CONQUER.

GO AND PUT YOUR FLAG IN THE GRASS.

YOU GOT ME?

MISS HATTIE, WHAT DO YOU ‐‐ WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M‐A TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANNA DO.

YOU GONNA WALK UP TO HER, YOU GONNA SAY, "LON..."

WHO?

HUH? YOU ‐‐ HUH?

WHO?

YOU GONNA JUST WALK UP TO HER AND YOU GONNA SAY, "LON..."

WHO?

LINDA.

OH.

YOU GOT ME?

YES, MA'AM. [ CLEARS THROAT ]

NOW YOU SAY, "LON...

"ME AND YOU IS GOING OUT.

"THAT'S ALL TO IT.

"HAVE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES ON AT 8:00,

AND I'M‐A BE THERE TO PICK YOU UP." YOU GOT THAT?

GOT ME?

YOU GOT ME?

[ GRUNTS ] I GOT YOU, MISS HATTIE,

BUT I‐I CAN'T DO THAT.

WHAT YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T DO IT?

LINDA LIKE A MAN IN CONTROL.

MISS HATTIE, I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GUY.

WELL, YOU FITTIN' TO BE. NOW GET UP. GO ON.

UH, MISS ‐‐ MISS HATTIE ‐‐ GET UP AND GO ON NOW.

MISS...[ SIGHS ]

DON'T MAKE ME DO SOMETHING TO YOU, HEAR?

Floyd: I GOTTA SEE THIS.

MISS HATTIE. [ SLAPS BEHIND ]

[ imitates Townie from "The Waterboy" ] YOU CAN DO IT.

LINDA?

OH, PUT SOME BASS IN YOUR VOICE!

[ Deepens voice ] LINDA!

OOH, THAT'S IT. THAT'S TURNING ME ON RIGHT THERE.

THAT MADE ME FEEL SO GOOD RIGHT THERE.

[ BLOWS AIR ]

YES?

NOW I'M SICK OF THIS!

LOOK HERE. YOU AND ME...

GOING ON A DATE.

I'M PICKING YOU UP AT 9:00.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

HELL, I'M SO EXCITED, I WANNA GO, TOO.

THAT'S NOT ‐‐ NAH! DA‐DA‐DA‐DA!

WHAT I SAY GOES.

[ Whispers ] DAMN IT. OH, I CAN'T SAY THAT.

[ STOMPS FOOT ] DAMN IT!

DAMN IT. DAMN IT!

BOOYAH!

OH, IS THAT SO?

THAT'S SO! I'M PICKING YOU UP.

WE GOING ON A DATE TO THE MOVIES.

AND THAT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

WELL, PHILIP ‐‐

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.

DAMN IT! DAMN IT!

HATTIE, YOU TAKE HIM LOW.

AND YOU TAKE HIM HIGH.

MAMA, ARE YOU ‐‐ [ GRUNTS ]

WILL. HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU.

REALLY?

I WAS WRONG. YES, YOU WERE.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU WERE OFFENDED.

BEYOND.

LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY. I AM.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU ACCEPT MY APOLOGY?

♪♪ NO ♪♪

♪♪ NO ♪♪ ♪♪ NO ♪♪

All: [ Harmonizing ] ♪♪ HELL, NO ♪♪

WILL, YOU KNOW THAT REALLY HURT ME.

I KNOW. I WAS HURT, TOO.

OH, YOU CAN BE HURT,

BUT WHAT YOU CAN'T DO IS TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.

I KNOW THAT.

I WAS OUT OF CONTROL.

PLEASE, I'M HERE TO APOLOGIZE.

YOU SHOULD BE... I AM SO SORRY.

BECAUSE NOBODY EVER, EVER TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT.

SHE TELLING A DAMN LIE!

EXCEPT MY MAMA.

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

AND I'M THE ONLY ONE, TOO.

CAN Y'ALL PLEASE GO SOMEWHERE AND LEAVE ME ALONE?

All: [ Harmonizing ] ♪♪ HELL, NO ♪♪

WOULD Y'ALL LEAVE ME ALONE?!

[ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]

MOVE!

HEY, MISS HATTIE.

NOT SURE WHAT THE HELL WE'RE DOING HERE.

WE'RE HUNGRY.

WELL, Y'ALL GONNA HAVE TO WAIT 'CAUSE WE AIN'T GOT NO TABLE.

DON'T YOU SEE IT'S FULL?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

[ Whispers ] SHH. THE SAGA CONTINUES.

I AM SO SORRY. I HAVE MISSED YOU.

HAVE YOU MISSED ME?

YES.

OH! THERE GO YOUR SHOT.

I PROMISE I WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU LIKE THAT AGAIN.

I AM SO SORRY, BABY.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

[ ALL GROAN ]

[ GRUNTS ]

THAT WAS EASY.

I'LL SAY.

A MAN WOULD HAVE TO BRING ME DIAMONDS

IN ORDER FOR ME TO ACCEPT HIS APOLOGY THAT QUICK.

GIRL, ALL YOU NEED IS A STEAK.

EH. A HATTIE PATTIE'LL DO.

WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M A CHEAP DATE.

DANNY, YOU THINK YOUR MOM'S REALLY GONNA FORGIVE THIS GUY?

THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

WOW.

[ LAUGHS ] SHE IS SO GULLIBLE! HEY, SAM!

WHAT? [ GRUNTS ]

DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MAMA.

YEAH, SAM. TAKE IT EASY.

AND I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

AND I'LL SUPPORT YOU, DREW...

LIKE THE BRA YOU WISH YOU COULD USE.

THANKS?

WOULD YOU GUYS JUST STOP, PLEASE?

LOOK, DANNY, UNFORTUNATELY, YOUR MOM IS LIKE A LOT OF WOMEN.

SHE'S TOO ‐‐ EASY.

TO FORGIVE.

TO FORGIVE.

I DON'T WANT HER TO GO BACK WITH HIM.

DANNY,YOU GONNA HAVE TO LET YOUR MOTHER LIVE HER OWN LIFE.

YEAH, I KNOW. BUT THIS SUCKS.

WELL, I MEAN, HEY, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

WHAT'S THAT?

SHE WON'T STAY AT THE APARTMENT WITH YOU AND SAM.

WHOA, THAT IS A PLUS! A MAJOR PLUS!

WELL, I'D RATHER HER HANG OUT AT OUR APARTMENT

THAN TO HANG OUT WITH THAT WILL GUY.

I'M WITH DANNY ON THIS ONE.

WILL IS UBER‐CRAZY.

UNH‐UNH! NUH‐UH! I'M WITH HIM! I LIVE WITH HIM!

SO LET HIS MOM GO WITH THE UBER‐CREEPY GUY

SO I CAN HAVE THE APARTMENT ALL TO MYSELF.

REALLY, SAM?

REALLY SAM.

I'VE SAID IT A MILLION TIMES AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN ‐‐

I DON'T LIKE HIM.

WELL, SO I NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK.

OKAY. UH, YOU KNOW,

WE USED TO GO TO THE MOVIES ON SATURDAY NIGHTS.

WE DID. YEAH.

THINKING ABOUT YOU ALL DAY. WANNA GO?

THAT SOUNDS GOOD. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ GIGGLES ]

DON'T JUST SIT THERE!

DO SOMETHING, MAN!

SHAMON!

SOMETHING LIKE WHAT?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU!

DIVIDE AND CONQUER!

NOW GET YOUR MONKEY ASS UP AND GO ON OVER THERE.

GO ON, NOW.

LINDA!

NOW I TOLD YOU, 'CAUSE I HEARD MYSELF TALK,

YOU AND ME IS GOING TO THE MOVIES.

HE SURE TALK A LOT.

I SEEN HIM WHEN HE TOLD HISSELF TO TOLD YOU.

AND HE ‐‐ HE SAID...

I HEARD HIM, TOO, BUT...

"BUT" NOTHIN'.

BUT NOTHIN'!

I'LL ‐‐ I'LL PICK YOU UP LATER.

OKAY.

[ SIGHS ] OOH!

Floyd: OH! Hattie Mae: OOH!

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND, PARTNER?

WILL ‐‐ NO, NO, NO.

NO. NO, NO, NO.

I NEED TO TALK TO THIS DUDE.

YEAH. 'SUP?

'SUP? HMM?

THIS IS MY WOMAN,

AND THE WAY YOU PUSHING UP ON HER IS PATHETIC.

WHAT'S PATHETIC IS THAT YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT IT.

OH. REALLY?

CAN'T PUSH UP ON NOBODY THAT'S NOT GONNA LET YOU PUSH UP ON.

MM. THAT'S TRUE.

BUT I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW,

SHE'S NOT LETTING YOU.

SO BACK OFF.

WHO YOU THINK YOU TALKING TO? I'M TALKING TO YOU.

WHOA! NO! NO, NO! YOU AIN'T TALKING LOUD ENOUGH.

NO! NO! NO! NO! [ BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

NO!

STOP IT! YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE.

YOU'RE MAKING US LOSE CUSTOMERS!

Danny: NO, YOU DON'T ‐‐ Drew: WAIT!

NO, Y'ALL! DANG, WAIT!

WAIT A MINUTE HERE!

Y'ALL GONNA GIVE ME MY DAMN MONEY!

GRANDMA, YOU CAN'T ‐‐ STOP! SHE GONNA GIVE ME MY DAMN MONEY!

MISS HATTIE! MISS ‐‐ MISS HATTIE, YOU ‐‐

YOU HAVE WARRANTS! GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT NO WARRANT!

SHE GON' WALK UP OUT OF HERE WITH MY MONEY!

SHE GONNA COME BACK BLASTING.

AND I'M‐A BLAST HER BACK.

LOOK, Y'ALL GONNA HAVE TO DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY.

KNOCK THAT OFF HIS SHOULDER. WHAT?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! NO, NO, NO! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

STOP IT!

GO AHEAD! WHUP HIS ASS, FLIP! WHUP HIS ASS, FLIP.

[ LAUGHS ] YAY!

THE FIGHTING CONTINUES!

YOU GUYS NEED ME TO HOLD FLIP BACK?

'CAUSE I CAN HOLD FLIP BACK. NO. HEY!

YOU! DREW, GET THE HELL OUT THE WAY!

WOW. MM!

FOR 60 POUNDS, SHE'S DENSE.

LINDA...

DON'T STOP 'EM FROM FIGHTING.

GO AHEAD. LET 'EM FIGHT OVER YOU.

I‐I NEVER FORGET, I HAD ‐‐ YES.

BACK IN THE CIVIL WAR, HATTIE.

THE TROOPS WERE COMING UP KENNESAW MOUNTAIN.

YOU SAID, "AAH!" AND THEY DIED.

SHUT THE HELL UP, FLOYD!

DON'T NOBODY WANNA HEAR THEM OLD CAVEMAN STORIES.

W‐WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

YEAH.

LOOK, I THINK THEY REALLY ABOUT TO FIGHT.

[ GIGGLES ]

THIS...

I HAVE TO SEE.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. WE SHOULD LET THEM FIGHT.

I MEAN, MISS HATTIE'S GOT MY BACK.

AND UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES MY FRONT.

GO ON. Linda: LOOK,

NOBODY'S GOING TO DO ANYTHING.

OKAY, THIS IS DONE.

PHILIP, I AM WITH WILL.

[ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]

I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH YOU, SO STOP ASKING.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

AND ALL OF Y'ALL, STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS.

COME ON, WILL.

JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU GOIN'?

I‐I'M TAKING THE REST OF THE DAY OFF.

SAYS WHO?

SAYS ME, MAMA. Floyd: OOH!

LINDA! BYE!

LINDA, DON'T YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR!

LINDA!

DON'T YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR!

WHAT HAPPENED, HATTIE?

SHE WALKED OUT THAT DOOR.

WHO THE HELL SHE THINK SHE IS?

THE BETTER QUESTION IS, WHY DOES HE KEEP POPPING UP LIKE THIS?

YOU KNOW, I ASKED THE SAME QUESTION.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M LEAVING. [ CLEARS THROAT ]

NO, MAN.

LOOK, SHE MADE HER CHOICE, ALL RIGHT?

SHE DOESN'T WANT ME.

THERE'S PLENTY OF WOMEN OUT THERE.

UH, TRUST ME, PARTNER.

I'VE BEEN WITH MOST OF THEM.

I'M JUST GONNA KEEP IT MOVING, ALL RIGHT?

PHILIP, WAIT. WE ‐‐ WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

I MEAN, YOU STILL LIKE MY MOTHER, RIGHT?

DANNY, I'M SORRY, BUT YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T WANT ME, OKAY?

IT'S ALL GOOD.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, I'M SURE.

THANK ALL OF Y'ALL, BUT I'LL ‐‐ I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

IT'S SO SAD.

GOT HIS OWN PLACE.

AND BENEFITS.

THAT'S SAD, SO SAD.