Original subtitles

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?

AREN'T YOU AN ATTRACTIVE, STRONG MAN?

[ SCOFFS ]

WHY DOES EVERY MAN RUN AWAY FROM ME?

I THOUGHT I HEARD KNOCKING. I WAS JUST IN THE SHOWER.

DANNY, THERE WAS SOME MAN OUTSIDE OF YOUR DOOR JUST NOW.

HA! THAT'S DIFFERENT.

IT'S USUALLY A WO‐MAN.

I WAS JUST IN THE SHOWER.

DIFFERENT SHOWERS. [ CHUCKLES ]

YOU GUYS ONLY HAVE ONE SHOWER.

♪♪ SHOWER, SHOWER, SHOWER TIME ♪♪

♪♪ TIME TO SCRUB EACH OTHER'S SPINE ♪♪

GUYS, ENOUGH WITH THE JOKES.

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

THERE WAS A GUY OUT THERE, HE WAS REALLY CREEPY,

AND HE LEFT THIS NOTE.

WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY?

I DON'T KNOW. OPEN IT.

I'M NOT GONNA OPEN IT.

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

[ SIGHS ]

IT SAYS...

YOU'RE MESSING WITH HIS WIFE,

AND HE'S GONNA KILL YOU?

LET ME SEE THAT!

MESSING WITH SOMEONE'S WIFE?

WHICH WIFE WAS IT?

HMM.

DANNY?!

YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH A WOMAN NAMED DANNY?

OH, THAT'S JUST CREEPY.

NO! THIS DANNY IS YOU.

SO YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH A WOMAN NAMED DANNY?

HOW NARCISSISTIC.

YOU LIKE CALLING YOUR OWN NAME, HUH?

NO!

DANNY IS SLEEPING WITH THIS GUY'S WIFE.

WHAT?!

NOW YOU GET IT.

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

DANNY, I AM SO SURPRISED AT YOU,

THAT YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.

THIS HAS TO BE SOME KIND OF MISTAKE.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

WHAT IF IT'S HIM?

[ KNOCKING ]

[ Nervously ] WHO IS IT?

Floyd: MAN, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT HAVING THEM SHEEP IN THERE?

IT'S MY UNCLE FLOYD.

BATTLING A COLD OR SOMETHING, MAN?

SO, UH...

YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME.

I DON'T THINK I WANT TO HEAR THIS CONVERSATION.

NO. Drew: NO, FLOYD.

THERE WAS A GUY WHO CAME HERE AND LEFT A NOTE FOR DANNY.

DON'T TELL HIM.

HE MAY BE ABLE TO PROTECT YOU.

BY OUTRUNNING ME?

I MEAN, IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN TELL ME.

I WON'T JUDGE YOU.

GUY HERE CAME LOOKING FOR DANNY.

YEAH, DREW SAID THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, NEPHEW.

WHAT? WHY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE FINALLY COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET, RIGHT?

UNCLE FLOYD, I'M NOT IN THE CLOSET.

ON THE FRONT PORCH?

NO...

BACK PORCH.

[ SHUDDERS ]

WELL, LOOK, I MEAN,

WHY WOULD THIS MAN LEAVE A NOTE FOR YOU, THEN?

WELL, HE WAS COMING HERE TO KILL HIM.

[ High‐pitched ] NO, HE WASN'T.

YES, HE WAS.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

SOME GUY CAME, HE LEFT A NOTE FOR DANNY,

SAYS HE'S GONNA KILL HIM.

LET ME SEE THAT.

"ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE..."

NO, THE OTHER SIDE.

OH.

"YOU ARE DEAD.

"NOBODY TOUCHES MY WI‐FI...

"...AND LIVES.

"YOU ARE A DEAD MAN.

"I'M A‐COMING FOR YOU,

"AND I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR CORNBREAD.

"YOU WANT YOUR CORNBREAD...

"DEAD?

"THE END.

SIGNED, CRAZY MAN."

BOY, YOU GETTING READY TO DIE.

UNCLE FLOYD?

WHAT? YOU SHOULDN'T BE SLEEPING WITH THE MAN'S WIFE.

I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH HIS WIFE OR THE CORNBREAD.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHY DO THEY CALL SEX "SLEEPING WITH"?

[ LAUGHS ] YOU'RE NOT REALLY SLEEPING.

IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.

[ LAUGHS ]

THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

BOY, YOUR MAMA'S GONNA BE SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

BUT I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.

THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT LETTER SAYS.

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

NOT ACCORDING TO THE MAN THAT CAME HERE, EITHER.

HE WAS SCARY‐LOOKING.

DESCRIBE THIS DUDE.

HE WAS TALL.

[ SCOFFS ] ANYBODY CAN BE TALLER THAN DANNY.

HE HAD REALLY BIG MUSCLES.

BOY, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

AND HE HAD LOTS OF TATTOOS.

WELL, WHAT DID THE TATTOOS SAY?

UH...

"WHOOP THAT TRICK."

"YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE, YOU'RE DEAD."

"HE'S DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD."

AND A LITTLE TEARDROP THAT SAID "DEAD," TOO.

[ LAUGHS ] IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU, DANNY.

WELL, WAIT!

SAM, YOU'LL PROTECT ME, WON'T YOU?

YEAH, I LOVE YOU, BRO.

I WILL. I WILL.

HEY, UM, DANNY?

I BELIEVE YOU BETTER LAY LOW THIS WEEKEND.

YOU DON'T THINK HE'S SERIOUS.

YEAH.

BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIS WIFE.

THAT DON'T MATTER. PEOPLE ARE CRAZY NOWADAYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAD THIS FRIEND, HIS NAME WAS JESSE.

JESSE KILLED A MAN JUST FOR LOOKING AT HIS WIFE.

YEAH, DIDN'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS, JUST KILLED HIM.

WELL, THAT'S HORRIBLE.

ESPECIALLY WHEN WE FIND OUT THE DUDE WAS BLIND.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LOCK MYSELF IN THE APARTMENT

UNTIL THIS BLOWS OVER.

NO!

CAN'T STAY HERE.

WITH ME.

I'M NOT GONNA PROTECT YOU.

I'LL THROW YOU RIGHT IN THE FIRE, BUD.

HEY, LISTEN.

I'M NOT RUNNING.

I'M NOT AFRAID.

[ HARD KNOCK AT DOOR ] AHH!

MAYBE THAT'S HIM NOW.

D‐D‐D‐DON'T ‐‐ DON'T GET IT!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

BUT YOU SHOULD FACE YOUR FEARS.

D‐DON'T ‐‐ DON'T OPEN IT.

HE'S IN HERE!

HE'S IN HERE! [ SCREAMS ]

HE'S THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE!

HEY, THERE'S NO ONE OUT THERE.

THIS IS SO SCARY, DANNY. HOLD ME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

BOY, LET ME CALL YOUR GRANDMAMA.

NO.

WHY NOT?

YEAH, DANNY, WHY NOT?

YOUR GRANDMOTHER COULD SCARE AWAY AN ARMY.

AND SHE COULD SLEEP WITH 'EM, TOO.

SHE DID.

REPORTING FOR BOOTY.

STOP IT!

THAT'S MY GRANDMOTHER YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT.

WE KNOW.

DEEP DOWN INSIDE, YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.

YEAH, YOU ARE.

WAIT, I‐I‐I CAN'T GO THERE.

I'M NOT RUNNING, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

YOU BETTER FIGURE OUT SOMETHING.

OKAY, WELL, MAYBE I CAN JUST SPEND THE WEEKEND THERE

TILL THIS BLOWS OVER.

OR UNTIL YOU'RE BURIED OVER.

STOP IT!

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

[ RAPID KNOCKING ]

MAMA, YOU DON'T HEAR THE DOOR?

NO, BUT I HEAR IGNORING.

HEY, DANNY.

HEY, MAMA. HEY, GRANDMA.

DREW. SAM.

UNCLE FLOYD?

WHAT, ALL OF Y'ALL HAD TO COME?

YEAH, WE JUST HAPPENED TO STOP BY.

I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.

Sam: NOW, MISS HATTIE,

DID YOU DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT TO YOUR HAIR?

'CAUSE IT LOOKS ‐‐ IT LOOKS GREAT.

D‐DON'T YOU THINK SO, DANNY?

Y‐YES! YES.

YES, IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

EMMY PERSH ‐‐ SHE GIVE ME A PERSONAL CURE EVERY TWO WEEKS.

LOOK LIKE SHE MISSED A WEEK.

WHAT THE HELL Y'ALL WANT?

NOTHING.

OH, REALLY?

NOTHING, GRANDMA.

I JUST WANTED TO STOP BY AND TELL YOU AND MY MAMA

JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU BOTH.

[ Sweetly ] OH, THAT'S SO SWEET, MY DANNY.

WE LOVE YOU, TOO, BOO.

[ Mockingly ] SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

GRANDMA, YOU ‐‐ YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME.

I DO LOVE YOU, BUT WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT?

GO ON, TELL HER.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

THIS LETTER CAME.

WHY ARE YOU CARRYING AROUND THE LETTER?

EVIDENCE, BOO.

I STAYED WATCHING THEM CRIME SHOWS.

WE MAY NEED THAT FOR THE MURDER INVESTIGATION.

THE ONLY MURDER IS GONNA BE YOURS IF YOU DON'T STOP IT!

WHAT IS GOING ON?

UH, DANNY, BABY.

YOU MESSING AROUND WITH A MARRIED WOMAN?

DANNY, ARE YOU CRAZY?

SAM, YOU GOT MY SON CAUGHT UP IN THIS MESS?

HE HAS TO!

DANNY WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING LIKE THAT.

HE'S A WIMP.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER JUST CALLED YOU A WIMP.

NO, I‐I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY OR HIS WIFE,

BUT HE JUST WANTS TO DO ME BODILY HARM.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HARM HIS WIFE'S BODY.

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

OKAY, Y'ALL DOING ALL THIS HERE TALKING,

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AT MY HOUSE?

HE'S AFRAID TO STAY AT THEIR APARTMENT,

SO HE FIGURED HE COULD COME OVER HERE

AND STAY FOR A FEW DAYS.

OH, OF COURSE HE CAN.

UH, SLOW YOUR ROLL, PRECIOUS.

THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, THIS HERE BELONGS TO ME.

MAMA, DANNY IS IN NEED.

SO WHAT? PEOPLE IN HELL WANT ICE WATER.

NOW, YOU ‐‐ YOU GOT TO GET THE HELL UP OUT OF HERE.

GRANDMA!

EXACTLY. SEE?

THEY NEED WATER, AND SHE WON'T GIVE IT TO 'EM.

FLOYD!

SEE?

GRANDMA, WAIT ‐‐

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET ME STAY HERE?

HELL, NO!

WELL, WHAT IF THAT GUY COMES BACK?

THEN YOU DO WHAT WE'VE ALWAYS DONE

WHEN WE FACED WITH A CHALLENGE.

WHAT?

RUN?

FACE IT. NOW, GET THE HELL OUT.

THEN I'M GOING OVER TO DANNY'S HOUSE.

OH, GREAT!

NOW YOUR MOMMY WILL BE THERE TO HELP OUT WITH THE BULLIES.

[ SQUEAKING ]

UH, PRECIOUS, DON'T GET IT TWISTED.

LINDA KNOWS HOW TO FIGHT.

WHEN SHE WAS IN SCHOOL, I USED TO DROP HER OFF

AND PAY EACH ONE OF THEM CHILDREN A DOLLAR

TO BEAT HER ASS.

I REMEMBER THAT.

OH, MISS HATTIE, NOW THAT WAS JUST WRONG.

WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT IT?

AT LEAST SHE KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN SHE FACED WITH A SITUATION.

NOW, GET TO STEPPIN'.

YOU AND YOUR SON GET TO STEPPIN'.

YOU, TOO.

POW!

JUST FACED WITH THAT SITUATION.

WELL, ISN'T THIS COZY HERE WITH YOUR MOTHER?

AGAIN.

SO, YOU GUYS WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE?

YEAH.

NO.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO TO BED AND DREAM OF THE DAY

WHEN YOUR MOMMY ISN'T AROUND ANYMORE.

[ RAPID KNOCK AT DOOR ]

OHH.

WELL, GET IT.

YOU GET IT.

[ SCOFFS ]

[ GROANS ]

OHH!

WHO?

WHAT?

IT'S DREW!

[ LAUGHS ]

SAM.

YOU ARE TERRIBLE.

HEY.

WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.

THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!

WHAT? WHO?

THAT GUY!

I SAW HIM GET ON THE ELEVATOR, SO I RAN UP THE STAIRS.

OH, NO!

[ ELEVATOR DINGS ]

EXCUSE ME?

YEAH? MAY I HELP YOU?

I'M LOOKING FOR DANNY.

UH, WHAT IS IT YOU NEED FOR DANNY?

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

WHY YOU ASKING ME SO MANY QUESTIONS?

BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW.

NOW, I'M GONNA ASK YOU ONE MORE AGAIN.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU NEED WITH DANNY?

HE BEEN MESSING WITH MY WIFE!

OH, NO, BABY.

YOU GOT THIS HERE ALL WRONG.

MY GRANDBABY WOULD DO NO SUCH THING.

YOU TELL IT, HATTIE.

FLOYD, GET YOUR SCARED ASS DOWN THEM STAIR.

YOU GOT IT, DUDE. YOU GOT IT.

FLOYD, GET DOWN HERE. HELP ME.

I'M HERE.

YOU AIN'T TELL ME HE WAS THAT DAMN BIG.

I TELL YOU WHAT, GRANNY.

I'M GONNA LET HIM LIVE.

I'VE ALREADY BEEN DOWN FOR MURDER.

I'M JUST GONNA BREAK HIS LEGS.

UH, BABY?

NOW, IF YOU BREAK HIS LEGS,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BREAK FOUR MORE.

WHOSE?

YOURS!

WHERE IS HE?!

UH, BABY, NOW, I‐I‐I KNOW MY DANNY.

HE WOULD DO NO SUCH THING.

THIS HERE SOMETHING NOW THAT WE GONNA HAVE TO

GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS HERE.

UH, UH, MOVE, BABY. LET ME JUST...

OOH, YOU'RE SO FIRM AND EVERYTHING.

HATTIE.

BABY, MOVE OUT THE WAY, HEAR?

I SAID, "MOVE OUT THE WAY"!

OPEN THIS HERE DOOR!

THAT'S MY MAMA.

MAMA, WHAT ‐‐

MAMA, YOU LET THE ENEMY IN?

OOH, I'M GONNA KILL HIM!

OKAY, WAIT.

PLEASE DON'T.

UH, BABY, NOW, I DONE TOLD YOU,

YOU AIN'T FREE TO TOUCH HIM, HEAR?

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, FLOYD?

FLOYD!

HUH?

NO, HE IS NOT GOING TO TOUCH HIM.

YEAH! WE WILL DEFEND DANNY.

HE'S A GREAT GUY THAT I'M SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH,

AND I HAVEN'T HAD THE PLEASURE OF GETTING HIM DRUNK

AND SEDUCING HIM YET.

SO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HARMING HIM WOULD BE HARMING A DREAM

THAT I'VE HAD FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW,

SO YOU BETTER BACK OFF,

MR. BIG, TATTOO, MUSCULAR, SWEATY MAN

THAT'S TURNING ME ON.

BUT I AIN'T GONNA LET HIM KNOW, THOUGH.

OKAY, YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

SORRY.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA TAKE MY WOMAN IN MY OWN CRIB?

HOLD ON, I WAS NEVER IN YOUR "CRIB".

I KNOW.

YOU DO?

YES, I'M TALKING ABOUT DANNY.

I AM DANNY.

NO, HE'S DANNY.

WHAT?

ME?

NO, THAT'S DANNY.

NO, YOU'RE DANNY.

I SAW YOU ON THE SECURITY CAMERAS

OUTSIDE MY CRIB!

I‐I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

SAM, DID YOU TELL HIS WIFE YOUR NAME WAS DANNY?

[ Laughing ] WHAT?

ME?

NO!

NEVER!

AGAIN?

OH, HE'S ALL YOURS.

[ GRUNTS ]

OHH! OH!

N‐‐ OH!

Floyd: TAKE IT OUTSIDE.

OHH! I KNOW JUJIT‐SEE YOU LATER.

[ GRUNTS ]

OOH!

Y'ALL GONNA LOSE Y'ALL DEPOSIT.

HE FITTIN' TO GET HIS ASS WHOOPED.

COME ON, Y'ALL. LET'S GO SEE THIS.

Man: WANT SOME MORE? WANT SOME MORE?

Sam: NO, I DON'T WANT IT!

TAKE THAT!

I GUESS YOU'LL KNOW BETTER NEXT TIME.

I HURT ALL OVER.

AHH!

IT WASN'T WORTH IT.

I'M GLAD YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON.

YEAH.

HEY, DREW. THANKS FOR SCREAMING.

AND THANKS, DANNY, FOR RUNNING.

AND THANKS, LINDA, FOR CLOSING YOUR EYES.

AND FLOYD?

HEY, THANKS FOR NOT DOING A DAMN THING.

MY SPECIALTY.

AND MISS HATTIE?

THANKS FOR GETTING HIM OFF ME.

ALL IT TOOK WAS A LITTLE FLASH.

WHOO.

YOU KNOW I GOT A LOT

OF MARDI GRAS BEADS OFF OF THAT.

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

SAM, YOUR PHONE'S RINGING.

SAYS, "TONYA."

THAT'S HER.

HIS WIFE?

YES.

NOW, THAT'S JUST AWFUL.

NO, IT'S NOT, FLOYD.

IT'S WORTH ALL THIS.

AIN'T NOTHING WORTH ALL THAT.

LET ME SEE THIS PHONE.

[ LAUGHS ]

MM.

THAT'S HER PICTURE?

YEAH.

PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING.

OOH.

HELLO?

THIS IS DANNY.

UNCLE FLOYD! SHUT ‐‐ SHUT UP!

YEAH, COME ON BACK TO THE APARTMENT.

DON'T BE USING MY NAME!

THIS TIME, COME DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.

YEAH, THIS DANNY.

YEAH, THIS IS DANNY.