Original subtitles

[ Singsong voice ] MORNING.

HEY.

IS MY MAMA AROUND?

AROUND WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IS SHE AROUND 100?

YES.

STOP IT, FLOYD.

WELL, HELL, SHE IS.

IS SHE AROUND HERE?

SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN.

SHE'S PROBABLY IN THE BACK ROOM

HANGING UPSIDE DOWN LIKE MOST BATS DO.

THAT IS NO WAY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SISTER‐IN‐LAW.

YOU SAID THE MAGIC WORD ‐‐ "IN‐LAW."

SHE SHOULD'VE BEEN AN OUTLAW.

WELL, I'M HAPPY SHE'S IN THE BACK.

I GOT A GREAT IDEA.

[ Mockingly ] WELL WHAT IS IT?

TOMORROW'S HER BIRTHDAY. OKAY.

THIS YEAR, I WAS THINKING

WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

OH, LINDA.

I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE GONNA GO THROUGH WITH THAT IDEA.

WHAT IDEA?

THIS IS THE YEAR THAT YOU DECIDE TO PUT HER AWAY

IN A NURSING HOME AND LOCK HER AWAY.

RIGHT?

NO, FLOYD. STOP IT. THAT'S MEAN.

AND SO IS SHE.

I HAVE A NICE IDEA ‐‐ A REALLY GOOD IDEA.

I'M SURE IN THAT BIG‐ASS HEAD OF YOURS,

THERE'S PLENTY OF IDEAS SWIMMING AROUND IN THERE.

DONG! DONG! DONG!

FLOYD!

NO. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU AIN'T EVEN GOT TO TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

'CAUSE LOOKING AT YOUR FOREHEAD, WHICH BY THE WAY,

IS AN EGG HEAD, IT'S LIKE LOOKING AT A BIG SCREEN IN 3‐D.

OOH!

ENOUGH!

THAT'S WHAT THEY SHOULD'VE TOLD GOD

WHEN HE WAS MAKING YOUR HEAD.

THAT'S ‐‐ YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I TALK TO YOU.

I BEEN SAYING THE SAME THING FOR YEARS.

I CAME IN HERE IN A GREAT MOOD.

I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO HEAR MY IDEA AND HELP ME WITH IT.

NO, I DON'T.

FINE, THEN I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

OKAY, THEN. THANK YOU.

COME ON, FLOYD.

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS?

GIRL, GO AHEAD. HELL.

I WANT TO THROW MY MAMA A SURPRISE PARTY

TOMORROW AT HER HOUSE.

WHAT?

YES.

THAT'S THE GREAT BIG IDEA?

YES, DON'T YOU THINK SHE'LL LIKE IT?

YEAH.

LET ME KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT.

[ Whining ] UNCLE FLOYD.

[ Mockingly ] WHAT?

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

UNCLE FLOYD, YOU HAVE TO BE THERE.

NO, I DON'T.

BUT I DON'T KNOW ALL OF HER FRIENDS.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY.

YES, SHE DOES.

DO YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR MAMA?

SHE DOES.

I WENT THROUGH HER PHONEBOOK, I PUT A LIST TOGETHER.

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HALF THE PEOPLE ON IT.

I DON'T KNOW THEM, EITHER.

YOU'RE AROUND HER MORE THAN I AM.

THAT'S NOT BY CHOICE.

JUST LOOK AT IT.

IT'S THE GUEST LIST FOR THE SURPRISE PARTY.

WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD ON.

YOU REALLY WANT TO THROW YOUR MAMA

A SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY?

YES.

YOU WANT YOUR 75‐YEAR‐OLD MAMA TO WALK INTO A DARK ROOM

AND EVERYBODY JUMP OUT OF NOWHERE AND SAY, "SURPRISE!"?

YES. IT'LL BE FUN.

LINDA, WHEN YOU GET TO BE YOUR MAMA'S AGE,

IT'S NOT REALLY SAFE TO HAVE A SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY,

HAVING PEOPLE YELL OUT, "SURPRISE!"

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE SHE'LL DIE.

FLOYD.

AND SHE'LL PEE.

FLOYD.

SHE'LL BE DEAD AND WET.

OR YOU'LL GET A SURPRISE FROM HER.

YOU KNOW YOUR MAMA PACKING.

STOP IT.

NO, SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW SHE SHOOTS FIRST AND ASKS QUESTIONS NEVER.

SHE WON'T DO THAT.

SHE'LL LOVE IT.

THIS WILL BE HER FIRST SURPRISE PARTY.

AND HER LAST.

YOU ‐‐ ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE WE SHOULD YELL "SURPRISE."

I KNOW.

SHE'LL LOVE IT.

AND THEN THAT WAY, SHE'LL BE DEAD.

[ Chuckling ] YES.

I LOVE IT.

WOULD YOU STOP IT AND JUST LOOK AT THIS LIST?

FINE.

OH, THIS'LL NEVER WORK. MNH‐MNH.

WHY NOT?

THOSE PEOPLE ARE DEAD.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD NAMES.

PEOPLE WITH OLD NAMES LIKE THAT ARE MORE DEAD THAN ALIVE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

READ THE LIST.

HANNAH.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S OLD TESTAMENT DEAD.

EUNICE.

WHOO! YOU KNOW SHE DEAD.

MILDRED.

OOH, UGLY DEAD.

BEATRICE.

THAT BE‐A‐DEAD.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT ROSE?

UNLESS SHE ROSE FROM THE DEAD, SHE DEAD.

RUTH.

SHE WAS BORN WITH A OLD NAME. SHE DEAD.

WILMA.

OH, THAT'S BEDROCK OLD DEAD.

[ SIGHS ] OH, UNCLE FLOYD, YOU'RE RIGHT.

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL THESE PEOPLE FOR HOURS.

WELL, YOU KNOW THERE'S NO DIRECT LINE TO HELL.

THEY'RE NOT IN HELL.

IF THEY WERE FRIENDS WITH YOUR MAMA, THEY ARE.

THIS IS SO SAD.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

MOST OF HER FRIENDS ARE DEAD.

HMM.

I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

PROBABLY SOMEBODY THREW THEM A PARTY AND YELLED "SURPRISE!"

KILLED THEM DEAD.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, DANNY,

I THINK IT'S A FOOLISH IDEA.

NO, IT ISN'T. YES, IT IS.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH Y'ALL NOW?

DANNY CAME UP WITH THE DUMBEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD.

WELL, THAT MEAN THAT'S NORMAL FOR HIM.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, YOU'RE MY UNCLE.

"B" ‐‐ BY MARRIAGE.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ALWAYS BE ON MY SIDE.

BUT IT'S SO MUCH FUN BEING AGAINST YOU.

[ LAUGHS ] RIGHT? RIGHT.

LIKE THE TIME HE WAS PLAYING LITTLE LEAGUE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

AND I WAS ROOTING FOR THE OTHER TEAM.

[ LAUGHS ] RIGHT? THEY WERE WINNING.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

RIGHT?

[ Voice breaking ] THAT WASN'T FUNNY, UNCLE FLOYD.

[ Mockingly ] DON'T BE UPSET, LITTLE DANNY.

[ Mockingly ] WELL, GOOD GRACIOUS.

I'LL MAKE SURE

THAT I COME TO YOUR NEXT LITTLE‐LEAGUE GAME.

[ LAUGHS ] THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

FINE.

[ Crying ] MAMA.

HEY, BABY.

HEY, UH, I HAVE A GREAT IDEA.

WELL, WHAT'S THAT?

I THINK IT'S A BAD IDEA.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

IS GRANDMA AROUND?

AROUND WHAT? OH.

I SAID THE SAME THING.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

IS SHE AROUND 100?

WHAT?!

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?

WHA? [ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

WE HERE. WE'RE HERE.

WE'RE HERE. WE'RE HERE.

STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU.

NOW, WHAT'S YOUR IDEA, BABY?

WELL, I THOUGHT

WE SHOULD THROW GRANDMA A SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

OH! THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. I THOUGHT THE SAME THING.

WE'RE HERE. WE'RE HERE. WE'RE HERE. WE'RE HERE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S IT. CONFIRMATION.

TOMORROW, WE'RE THROWING YOUR GRANDMA A SURPRISE PARTY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND TOMORROW, WE'RE PLANNING A FUNERAL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HATTIE. HATTIE. HATTIE. HATTIE.

I KNEW THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA.

YEAH.

GREAT IDEA THAT YOU CAME UP WITH YOUR MOMMY.

DANNY, I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

BABY, I'M SO HAPPY WE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS.

ME TOO, MOM.

YOU EVER HEARD OF NORMAN BATES?

UH...

HE WAS COMMITTED TO HIS MOTHER, TOO.

AND THEN HE WAS JUST COMMITTED.

LEAVE MY DANNY ALONE.

THANKS, MOM.

WE CAN'T HELP IT THAT GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE.

THAT BIG‐ASS HEAD, YOU SHOULD BE THINKING LIKE EVERYBODY.

[ LAUGHS ] YOU'RE KILLING ME.

NO, SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE WE THE ONLY ONES

AT THIS SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY?

EVERYBODY WAS DEAD ON MY LIST.

SHOULD'VE HAD THIS PARTY AT THE CEMETERY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

COULD'VE SAVED MONEY ON THE HEARSE

AFTER WE KILL HER WHEN WE SAY, "SURPRISE!"

WELL, I MADE TWO LISTS ‐‐ ONE OF HER FRIENDS AND ‐‐

LET ME SEE THESE LISTS HERE.

DID YOU CALL EVERYBODY ON THIS LIST?

YEAH, BUT WHEN I MENTIONED GRANDMA'S NAME,

THEY ALL HUNG UP ON ME.

GOOD.

WHY?

'CAUSE EVERYBODY ON THIS LIST HATES HER.

WELL, WHAT IF I CALL THIS LIST?

STILL AIN'T GONNA DO NO GOOD.

WHY?

'CAUSE EVERYBODY ON THIS LIST, SHE HATES.

UNDERSTAND, YOUR GRANDMOTHER IS A MOTHER‐‐

All: HEY! HEY! HEY!

I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT HATTIE.

OKAY, LISTEN, IT'S JUST THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

I KNOW IT'S JUST US HERE, BUT THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

I AGREE, MARIANNA. THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN!

YES, IT IS.

ALL I'M SAYING IS MAY NOT BE A GOOD IDEA TO YELL "SURPRISE!"

THEN WHAT'S THE POINT IN HAVING A SURPRISE PARTY?

THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

OKAY. SHOOT YOURSELF.

I MEAN SUIT YOURSELF.

THIS PLACE LOOKS LOVELY.

SHE'S GONNA LOVE IT.

I'LL SAY.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR HELPING DECORATE.

OH, DANNY, YOU'RE SO WELCOME.

I THINK IT'S SO SWEET OF YOU

TO THROW THIS BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

SUCH A SWEET BOY.

REALLY?

YES.

I'M SWEET, TOO.

I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT WE'RE THROWING A PARTY FOR GRANDMA

ON A SATURDAY NIGHT

WHEN ALL THE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE OUT PARTYING ALL NIGHT.

SO SWEET!

AH, SAM.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

SO SWEET.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER TURNED 75,

WE TOOK HER FOR A VACATION.

REALLY? WHERE'D YOU GUYS GO?

A LONG TRAIN RIDE.

AND WE THREW HER IN FRONT OF IT.

Linda: OOH, OOH!

SHE'S COMING! SHE'S COMING! SHE'S COMING!

Danny: WAIT, LET ME GET MY CAMERA READY!

Floyd: I'M OUT OF HERE. YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

Marianna: SAM, GET AWAY FROM ME.

Sam: IT'S NOT ME.

OOPS. SORRY, MARIANNA. [ CHUCKLES ]

SAM, GET AWAY FROM ME!

NOW THAT'S ME.

All: SURPRISE!

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

OH, MY HEAVENS. MAMA?

GO AHEAD. MAKE MY DAY.

GRANDMA, YOU ALMOST KILLED US.

NO, Y'ALL TRYING TO KILL ME.

NO, WE WEREN'T.

YES, THE HELL YOU WAS, THROWING A SURPRISE PARTY.

WE WERE TRYING TO BE NICE.

WELL, IF YOU WANT TO BE NICE, THEN GET THE HELL OUT.

HATTIE, PUT THE GUN AWAY

BEFORE YOU SHOOT ALL THEIR DUMB SELVES.

Y'ALL SEE WHY I WAS IN THE KITCHEN.

COULD HAVE? S‐SAM?

SAM?

IS HE SHOT?

SAM, YOU OKAY?

NO. NOT MY BABY DADDY.

SAM? TALK TO ME! WHERE ARE YOU HIT?

IT'S SO COLD.

OH, SAM.

WARM ME.

WITH YOUR BODY.

HERE, I'LL HELP.

NO!

SAM.

OH, I SHOULD CALL THE AMBULANCE.

OH, NO, UNH‐UNH. DON'T CALL NO AMBULANCE.

THEY'LL THINK I DID IT ON PURPOSE.

MISS HATTIE, I HAVE TO.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SHOOT HIM.

WE ALL GOING DOWN.

AND HE'S A WHITE MAN?

NO, SAM. PLEASE!

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

[ CRIES ] NEPHEW!

COME ON BACK.

SAM?!

WHERE ARE YOU HURT!

HE DIDN'T GET SHOT IN THE EARS, LINDA.

DAMN!

YOU GOT SURROUND SOUND IN YOUR MOUTH?

SHUDDER TO THINK WHERE THE SUB WOOFER IS.

WAIT A SECOND. HE'S NOT EVEN BLEEDING.

OH, WOW.

IT'S A MIRACLE.

HE'S NOT?

SAM. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I'M STILL COLD.

OKAY, WELL, I'LL GET CLOSER, I GUESS.

THANK YOU.

SAM, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU SCARED US TO DEATH.

WHAT? SHE ALMOST SHOT US TO DEATH.

THEN DON'T DO IT AGAIN.

YOU'RE STILL HOLDING ME.

YEAH, I KNOW.

GET OFF OF ME.

AND WHO IS THE LAME DUMBASS

THAT THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?

DANNY AND LINDA'S DUMBASSES.

FLOYD!

HEY, THAT'S MY MAMA.

WELL, YOU THE LAME DUMBASS JUNIOR

THAT SHOULD'VE TALKED HER OUT OF IT.

GRANDMA, YOU CAN'T JUST BE WALKING AROUND SHOOTING PEOPLE!

DANG!

I AIN'T JUST WALKING AROUND SHOOTING PEOPLE.

Y'ALL ARE UP IN MY HOUSE! DANG!

MISS HATTIE, A GUN?

REALLY?

YES, MA'AM. I BE PACKING.

THERE'S PLENTY PEOPLE LOVE TO ROB A LITTLE OLD LADY.

LITTLE? YEAH.

OLD? HELL YEAH.

LADY?

HELL NO.

AND WHAT IS ALL THIS HERE FOOLISHNESS ANYHOW?

WE WERE JUST TRYING TO THROW YOU A SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

NO, HELL, Y'ALL WASN'T. Y'ALL WAS TRYING TO KILL ME.

TOLD Y'ALL.

AND FLOYD, WHAT IS YOU SMILING AT?

MISS HATTIE, DO YOU KNOW THAT GUNS ARE DANGEROUS?

YES, MA'AM. THAT'S WHY I HAVE ONE.

AND DO YOU KNOW THAT WALKING UP ON ME IS DANGEROUSER?

WOW.

MAMA, THERE ARE FOUR BULLET HOLES IN THIS HOUSE.

NO, BABY, THERE'S 16.

WHAT?

HOW DID YOU GET SO MANY?

DID SOMEBODY ELSE TRY TO SURPRISE YOU, MISS HATTIE?

NO, BABY. AIN'T NOBODY THAT DAMN STUPID.

A COUPLE YOUNG THUGS TRIED TO ROLL UP ON HERE ON ME,

BUT BELIEVE ME, I GOT THAT.

I TOOK CARE OF IT, YEAH.

BABY, I'M GONNA SHOW THEM ‐‐

THIS RIGHT HERE, THIS AIN'T WHAT THEY WANT BACK HERE.

I HATE GUNS, MISS HATTIE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY

BECAUSE OF CARELESSNESS LIKE THIS?

I HAVE BEEN TELLING HER THAT FOR YEARS.

THIS HERE IS FOR MY PROTECTION.

WELL, GET A GUARD DOG.

WELL, THAT'S WHY I HAVE YOU, FLOYD.

Drew: OKAY.

NOBODY WAS HURT... UNFORTUNATELY.

THINK EVERYBODY NEEDS TO CALM DOWN.

YOU'RE RIGHT. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDMA.

CAN WE JUST HAVE SOME CAKE?

YEAH, THAT WOULD BE NICE.

IT'S ALREADY BEEN CUT...

BY HOT LEAD RUNNING RIGHT THROUGH IT.

WELL, THIS EVENING STARTED WITH A BANG.

NOT THE KIND OF BANG I'D HOPED FOR.

SHUT UP, SAM.

BANG.

THAT QUICK, HUH?

HELL YEAH.

WAIT, WHAT?

HATTIE TOLD ME.

WELL, THE NEXT TIME Y'ALL WANT TO PLAN

A SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY, Y'ALL NEED TO LET ME KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE DOING BEFORE YOU DO IT.

THEN IT WOULDN'T BE A SURPRISE.

WELL, THEN YOU MIGHT NOT GET YOUR EYES SHOT OFF, EITHER.

SHE'S GOT A GOOD POINT.

AND WHAT KIND OF PARTY IS THIS, ANYHOW?

WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLES AT?

I SEE Y'ALL EVERY DAY.

WHERE THE MENS AT?

WHERE THE STRIPPERS?

WHERE THE HOS AT?

OH, I HAD THAT ONE.

UGH.

DAMN YOU, WHITE LIGHTENING!

WELL, WE MADE A LIST AND CHECKED IT TWICE,

BUT NOBODY WANTED TO COME.

IT'S NOT THAT YOU THAT LOVED.

MAMA, I MADE A LIST FROM YOUR PHONEBOOK.

OH, HELL NO! I KNOW YOU AIN'T BEEN IN MY POCKETBOOK!

WHO YOU DONE CALL?

I CALLED HANNAH.

HANNAH?

OH, NO, SHE ‐‐ SHE WASN'T A GOOD PERSON TO CALL.

I SLEPT WITH HER MAN.

ELOUISE.

OH, ME AND ELOUISE BEEN FELL OUT.

WHY?

'CAUSE I SLEPT WITH HER MAN, TOO.

THAT'S TWO.

MILDRED.

MILDRED? YEAH.

I SLEPT WITH HER MAN, TOO.

THAT'S THREE.

WOW, MISS HATTIE. YOU A FREAK, HUH?

YES, SIR. I COULD TEACH YOU A FEW THINGS.

[ CHUCKLES ] HEY NOW.

GRANDMA.

SHE NEEDS TO TEACH YOU HOW TO GO TO CHURCH.

TEACH ME HOW TO GET A WHORE FRIEND.

BEATRICE.

OOH, I CAN'T STAND THAT BE‐ATCH.

MNH‐MNH.

ROSE?

ROSE BEEN DEAD.

AND SO HAVE THE REST OF THEM.

YEAH.