Original subtitles

Hattie: THERE YOU GO.

AND THANKS FOR THE TIP...

A DAMN DOLLAR.

I WILL THROW THIS HERE BACK IN YOUR FACE.

CHEAP BASTARD.

HATTIE.

SPEAKING OF BASTARD ‐‐ OH, HEY, DANNY.

HEY, GRANDMA.

DON'T PUT THEM THINGS ON ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR LIPS DONE BEEN.

I SHOULD BE ASKING YOU WHERE YOUR LIPS HAVE BEEN.

SAM KNOW WHERE MY LIPS DONE BEEN.

GOOD MORNING, MISS HATTIE.

MORNING, SAMSON.

MISS HATTIE, PLEASE STOP THAT.

STOP WHAT?

WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

WHAT AM I DOING?

UNDRESSING ME WITH YOUR EYES.

OH, NO, BABY, I'M PAST UNDRESSING YOU.

I'M ON MY WAY TO A CIGARETTE.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

[ BLOWS ] [ WHIMPERS ]

PLEASE, I BEG YOU.

THAT'S THE SAME THING YOU SAID BEFORE I HAD THAT CIGARETTE.

STOP THE TORTURE.

OH, SAMSON, YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME.

YOU KNOW ONCE YOU GO OLD, YOU GETS THE GOLD.

NO, ONCE YOU GO OLD, YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND MOLD.

OH, YOU SHUT UP, FLOY‐‐

I GOT YOU, FLOYD.

[ GRUNTS ]

AAH! NO, I DON'T.

I CAN PROMISE YOU, BABY ‐‐

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, RIGHT HERE.

♪♪ BUT YOU CAN HAVE IT IF YOU WANT IT ♪♪

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

MY GRANDMOTHER NEEDS TO STOP FLIRTING WITH YOU.

IT'S NOT HER FAULT.

I'M JUST SO DAMN SEXY...

...BUT I DON'T THINK I'M HUNGRY ANYMORE.

WE CAN SEE WHY.

STOP IT. THAT'S MY GRANDMOTHER.

YOU STOP TELLING PEOPLE THAT.

LOOK, "GRANDMA" IS JUST A SWEET NAME

FOR SOMEONE LIKE THAT THAT'S GETTING OLD.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

EVERY DAY THAT GOES BY,

I THINK SHE'S JUST ONE DAY CLOSER

TO PUTTING HER OTHER FOOT IN THE GRAVE...

[ CHUCKLES ]

...AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS,

THERE'S GONNA BE A WHOLE LOT OF SLOW WALKING AND LOUD SINGING.

[ SQUAWKS ]

WHOO!

WHOO!

DON'T TALK LIKE THAT, UNCLE FLOYD.

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU LOVE YOUR GRANDMAMA.

I DO LOVE MY GRANDMOTHER.

SHE'S KIND AND SWEET AND STRONG.

SO, YOU'RE SAYING ALL THIS

BECAUSE YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY

TO PAY FOR YOUR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING, DO YOU?

[ CHUCKLES ]

NO.

NO, REALLY, I DON'T.

YOU'RE ABOUT THE BROKEST, WORKINGEST FOLKS

I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

Hattie: HI.

I'M JUST HERE TO PICK UP MY ORDER ‐‐ MARIANNA.

OH, OKAY, BABY, I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.

THANK YOU.

[ Singsong voice ] WOW.

WHAT?

NEPHEW, GET IT TOGETHER.

LOOK OVER THERE WHAT CAME IN THE DOOR.

OH, WOW.

THAT IS A NICE DRESS!

FLOYD, DON'T.

WELL, YOU HANDLE IT.

DO YOU LIKE THE PUMPS, TOO?

THEY MATCH HER PURSE.

THAT'S NICE.

GET IT TOGETHER, NEPHEW!

IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THE DRESS.

OH. MM‐HMM.

SHE IS BEAUTIFUL.

SHE IS BANGING.

GUYS, HER EYES ARE ON HER FACE.

WE KNOW. WE KNOW.

STOP IT.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I HAVE A MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER.

AND DON'T NEITHER ONE OF THEM LOOK LIKE THAT.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A BIG‐HEAD GIANT AND A GNOME.

WHAT DOES A GIANT AND A GNOME HAVE TO DO WITH HER?

THEY TAUGHT ME HOW TO RESPECT WOMEN.

THEY TAUGHT YOU HOW TO BE A WIMP.

[ SIGHS ] YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST.

WE RESPECT WOMEN.

NO, YOU DON'T.

I RESPECT THEM ENOUGH

THAT THEY BETTER LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY.

[ CHUCKLES ] I HEAR YOU.

GIVE ME SOME. YOU GOT IT.

TAKE IT. BOOM.

SEE, YOU TWO ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT

TO MEN EVERYWHERE.

NO, MY LITTLE ESTROGEN‐FILLED BOTTLE OF BOY

IN A LITTLE MAN'S BODY.

I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HER.

I'M GOING IN.

I GOT TO SEE THIS.

HI.

HI.

I'M...SAM.

HI, SAM.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I GAVE YOU MY NAME, BUT YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME YOURS.

SAM, I'M REALLY JUST TRYING TO HAVE BREAKFAST.

I'M SORRY.

LET'S MAKE A DEAL.

YOU GIVE ME YOUR NAME, AND I'LL GIVE YOU ME.

UGH.

SAM, TAKE YOUR DAMN LEG OFF MY TABLE!

SORRY, MISS HATTIE.

OKAY, DOES THAT ACTUALLY WORK FOR PEOPLE?

YOU'VE DONE THAT BEFORE?

[ LAUGHS ]

YES.

OKAY, LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,

BUT I'M REALLY NOT ‐‐

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE, AS I WAS SAYING.

I'M JUST REALLY NOT INTERESTED.

Both: OOH, SHE GAVE HIM THE PUPPY PAT.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

SO, YOU LIKE TO ROLE‐PLAY...

PRETEND THAT YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED.

OKAY, LISTEN.

THIS IS NOT PRETENDING.

I AM NOT INTERESTED.

LOOK, THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU.

JUST GO AND HAVE BREAKFAST WITH YOUR FRIENDS

AND WITH YOUR CUTE, LITTLE BOY JACKET.

[ Mockingly ] GO HAVE BREAKFAST WITH MY FRIENDS.

JUST A BIG BOY HAVING A BIG BREAKFAST.

BYE.

ARE YOU REALLY SHOOTING ME DOWN?

I AM. I'M SORRY.

NO ONE EVER SHOOTS ME DOWN.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING IN LIFE,

AND I'M GLAD THAT IT WAS WITH ME

BECAUSE, LOOK, WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

JUST DON'T CRY.

IT'S FINE.

[ Weakly ] OKAY.

YOU KNOW, Y‐Y‐Y‐YOU'RE REALLY ‐‐ YOU'RE NOT THAT HOT.

EXCUSE ME?

YEAH, Y‐YOU SHOULD BE LUCKY THAT I CAME OVER HERE

AND TRIED TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF

BECAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU'RE SELF‐ESTEEM IS BRUISED.

NO, IT'S NOT!

LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T GET AWAY FROM ME,

I AM GOING TO HIT YOU. OKAY?

NOW GO BACK TO YOUR FRIENDS.

NOW. TURN.

WE GOT TO GET HIM. GET HIM.

IT'S OKAY. COME ON. SIT DOWN.

I'M IN SHOCK.

OKAY. HERE WE GO. THANK YOU.

HOPE YOU ENJOY.

I HOPE SO, TOO.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THE ENERGY OVER HERE IS A LITTLE OFF.

YEAH.

HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

OH, THAT'LL BE ENOUGH TO COVER IT.

WAIT, THERE'S ‐‐

HERE. NO.

I'M GONNA KEEP ALL OF IT.

THANK YOU. YEAH, ENJOY.

OH.

HATE TO SEE YOU LEAVE, BUT I LOVE SEEING YOU WALK AWAY.

STOP IT.

STOP IT!

THAT WAS JUST WRONG, SAM.

SHE KNOWS SHE WANTS ME.

NO, THAT WAS JUST FUNNY.

[ LAUGHS ]

POW!

SAM, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HER?

YOU GUYS ARE LATE.

I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

IT'S 'CAUSE OF SAM!

HE WAS INSULTING THIS REALLY NICE LADY.

YEAH, WELL, YOU TWO REALLY NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

OUR NEW BOSS IS HERE.

REALLY? WHERE IS HE? I WANT TO MEET HIM.

IT'S NOT A HIM.

IT'S A HER.

EVEN BETTER.

I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA MEET HER.

DREW, I WAS LOOKING AT THESE REPORTS.

THEY'RE GREAT. THANK YOU.

OF COURSE.

GUYS, THIS IS MARIANNA, OUR NEW BOSS.

I'M DEAD.

[ CHUCKLES ] YOU SEE?

I BET YOU WISHED YOU WERE RAISED

BY MY MOM AND GRANDMOTHER NOW, DON'T YOU?

I'D RATHER HAVE BEEN RAISED BY A PACK OF WOLVES.

[ BARKS, HOWLS ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ] SO, YOU'RE OUR NEW BOSS?

YES. AND I DID SEE YOU AT THE DINER WITH HIM.

I'M SORRY.

YEAH. [ CHUCKLES LIGHTLY ]

THAT'S MY GRANDMOTHER'S PLACE.

I KNOW. IT'S REALLY NICE. I LIKE IT.

IF IT WASN'T FOR THE REALLY RUDE CUSTOMERS.

YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT!

MARIANNA, THIS IS SAM.

[ Deep voice ] SAMUEL JACK‐‐

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

SAMUEL, UH, GO‐SKI‐JUMPING‐SPRITZERFELD.

SAM, WE MET.

OH, NO. WHAT?

DON'T TELL ME YOU KNOW THIS GUY.

I DO NOT KNOW HIM.

OH, GOOD. 'CAUSE HE'S A HOT MESS.

OH, I KNOW.

HE'S THE REALLY RUDE GUY FROM THE RESTAURANT.

OH, WHA‐‐ N‐N‐N‐NO, I WASN'T.

I WAS JUST... JOKING AROUND WITH YOU.

I KNEW YOU WERE COMING HERE TODAY.

OH, REALLY?

HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS COMING HERE TODAY?

'CAUSE...I'M... A PSYCHIC.

REALLY? YOU'RE A PSYCHIC?

MM‐HMM. AND, AS A PSYCHIC,

HOW DO YOU SEE YOUR FUTURE HERE AT THIS COMPANY?

[ Chinese accent ] CONFUCIUS SAY, MM,

"MANY AND A MANY YEARS A."

HA. WELL, CONFUCIUS SAYS,

"YOU'RE LATE AGAIN AND YOU'RE FIRED."

HMM?

CONFUCIUS UNDERSTAND.

WE'RE SORRY, AND IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

OKAY, GOOD. LET'S ALL JUST GET BACK TO WORK.

BOTH OF YOU, JUST GET TO WORK AND JUST DO SOMETHING,

AND THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL, BY THE WAY, TODAY.

I LOVE THIS OUTFIT.

OKAY. THANKS!

YES, MA'AM.

[ Normal voice ] YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNEW SHE WAS STARTING TODAY,

AND YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO US.

SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT.

OH. WELL, YES, SHE WOULD!

LOOK AT HER.

OKAY, OKAY. FINE. I CAME IN EARLY.

THEY TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS COMING YESTERDAY.

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GONNA BE HER.

YOU ARE SO WRONG.

THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

HEY. A GIRL NEEDS AN ADVANTAGE.

THEN GET A PUSH‐UP BRA!

I TRIED.

THEY DON'T COME IN MY SIZE.

WE WILL GET EVEN.

GUYS, RELAX.

I'M UPSET, TOO.

WHY? YOU DIDN'T JUST ASSAULT HER AT THE DINER

WITH YOUR GOOD LOOKS AND CHARM AND WIT.

YEAH, WHATEVER.

BUT I REALLY WANTED THAT PROMOTION.

[ Mockingly ] WELL, I'M REALLY, REALLY GLAD

YOU DIDN'T GET IT!

LISTEN TO ME!

I HAVE BEEN SUFFERING FAR LONGER THAN YOU TWO HAVE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I KNOW THAT CHICK.

WE LIVED TOGETHER MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE.

ALL THE GUYS LOVED HER.

AND ME?

WELL, I WAS THE COAT RACK.

THE COAT RACK?

[ LAUGHS ] YEAH.

THAT'S WHEN THE ROOMMATE'S NOT SO HOT,

SO SHE HOLDS ALL THE COATS AT THE PARTY.

SUCH A SAD EXISTENCE.

IT'S NO FAIR.

SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND KIND AND SWEET.

I CAN'T STAND THAT BITCH.

WELL, THAT'S FUNNY.

YOU DIDN'T SAY ANY OF THAT WHILE SHE WAS OUT HERE.

IT'S 'CAUSE SHE'S ‐‐ SHE'S ‐‐ SHE'S SO [Gagging] NICE.

SHE MAKES ME SI‐‐

I'M GONNA VO‐‐ Sam: NYUH.

YOU KNOW, YOU TWO ARE EVIL SPAWN.

HEY, DREW.

EEP. YEAH, YEAH.

CAN YOU CALL THESE PLACES FOR ME TODAY.

I NEED TO FIND A PLACE TO LIVE ASAP.

Sí, MARIANNA. RIGHT AWAY.

YEAH.

SO, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT?

YES.

[ CHUCKLES LIGHTLY ]

IT'S "GET EVEN" TIME.

MARIANNA, WE ALL LIVE IN THE SAME BUILDING.

OOH. OOH.

SAM!

AND DREW'S ROOMMATE JUST MOVED OUT.

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE?

YEAH, I AM.

I'm gonna kill you.

THIS IS GONNA BE PERFECT!

IT'LL BE LIKE WE WERE JUST IN COLLEGE.

WE CAN BE ROOMMATES AGAIN! YEAH!

I'M SO EXCITED!

OH, WOW

[Laughing] CAN WE DO THAT AGAIN?

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, HOW 'BOUT I NEVER DO THAT AGAIN?

COME ON.

NO? OKAY.

CAN I COME AFTER WORK TO SEE IT?

YEAH, GIRL!

THAT'S PERFECT!

OKAY, GOOD.

SO, I WILL SEE YOU AFTER WORK.

YOU MAKE THESE PHONE CALLS JUST IN CASE.

AND I'LL SEE YOU AFTER WORK.

[ Sternly ] GET TO WORK. MM‐HMM.

KILL ME NOW, PEOPLE. JUST KILL ME NOW.

I WOULD, BUT I'M ALL OUT OF SILVER BULLETS.

[ BARKS, HOWLS ]

SAM, WE ALL KNOW YOUR GUN IS EMPTY.

MAN, I JUST CAN'T STAND HER.

WHAT?!

BUT YOU WERE SO NICE TO HER.

WELL, DUH.

THAT'S 'CAUSE I CAN'T STAND HER.

OH! I GET IT.

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT WAIT.

I'M ONLY THAT WAY WHEN I WANT TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE.

BUT YOU SAID YOU NEEDED A ROOMMATE.

WELL, NOT HER.

AND SHE'S MY BOSS?

THIS IS NOT GOOD, GUYS.

[ Whining ] IT'S NOT GOOD.

SO, UH, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

OH! THIS IS PERFECT!

EH. [ CHUCKLES ]

HOW 'BOUT THE BEDROOM?

DO YOU LIKE IT? IT'S KIND OF SMALL, TINY.

OH, NO. I LOVE IT. IT'S PERFECT.

OH, GREAT. IT'S PERFECT FOR ME.

GREAT. OKAY. OH, YEAH. HAVE A SEAT.

MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS REMINDS ME OF?

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT PARTY THAT WE HAD LONG AGO,

AND WE HAD ALL THE FRAT BOYS COME OVER?

YEAH. HOW COULD I NOT REMEMBER...

STANDING UNDER A PILE OF SWEATY JOCK JACKETS?

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU WERE THE COAT‐CHECK GIRL.

[ Laughing ] I FORGOT.

[ Mock chuckling ] OH! YOU, OH!

TOODLE‐OO!

OKAY. WELL, THAT WAS FUNNY.

UH, I'M JUST GONNA GO AND GET MYSELF UNPACKED,

MAKE MYSELF AT HOME.

I'M SO HAPPY. THANK YOU.

OKAY. DO YOU NEED ANY HELP?

NO. I'M ALL SET. THANK YOU. YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT, YOU SURE?

YEAH. OH, MY GOD. THIS IS GONNA BE SO PERFECT.

I'M SO EXCITED.

YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE SO GREAT.

OLD TIMES.

YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE THE BEST OF ENEMIES.

I MEAN, FRIENDS! [ CHUCKLES ] BYE!

ALL RIGHT, GIRL.

FRIENDS TILL THE END, GIRL.

YEAH. I GOTTA GET OF HERE.

I CANNOT DO THIS.

SHE HAS GOT TO GO. GOT TO GO.

NO, THERE IS NO WAY ‐‐ I AM NOT DOING THIS!

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

WE'RE DOING YOGA.

OH, WELL, IT LOOKS KIND OF KINKY.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN IN?

NO!

I WANT HER AND HER TWINS OUT OF MY APARTMENT!

YOU WERE JUST SAYING YOU NEEDED HELP WITH THE RENT, DREW.

AND WE LIKE THE TWINS.

SHE IS MY BOSS.

DON'T YOU GUYS GET THAT?

SHE'LL KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AT WORK

AND WHAT I'M DOING AT HOME.

THEN JUST DO WHAT I DO.

AND WHAT'S THAT?

NOTHING AT HOME...

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

...AND LESS AT WORK.

I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

YOU TWO WILL GET ALONG JUST FINE.

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

NO, WE WON'T.

AS LONG AS SHE'S AROUND,

NO GUY WILL EVER LOOK AT ME AGAIN.

NO GUY LOOKS AT YOU, ANYWAYS.

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

THE GUY THAT SELLS THE HOT DOGS LOOKS AT HER.

HMM. RIGHT.

AND THE HOMELESS GUY WITH THE COWBOY BOOTS.

FLOYD.

NICE.

WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL EVEN WORSE, GUYS.

IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

NO, IT WON'T!

I WANT HER GONE!

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

YOGA'S SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT PEACE,

AND YOU'RE RUINING OUR PRIVATE MEDITATION.

[ BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY ]

DANNY, I'M MOVING IN HERE WITH YOU.

WE DON'T HAVE ROOM.

UNLESS IT'S IN MY ROOM.