Original subtitles

THE TEACHER COMES HOME

Professor Busatti, please wait.

I don't know how to thank you. You cured me completely.

- I don't know how to thank you. - I was only doing my job.

- Thank you. Thank you, professor. I feel very well now.

You're like a father to me! Papa!

My wonderful sugar-daddy! Kiss me too, papa!

- How beautiful you are! - Commander! Commander!

Commander, you're expected at the Ministry for the press conference.

- You come with me. - You're the best! You're the best!

- Ciao, papa! - Come along.

- I'm leaving! - Prego.

Ciao, papa!

Amedeo, has my wife finally decided not to rent the apartment?

- No, she rented it. - Well... we'll see about that!

So why is he mad at me?

- That was wrong! - It's useless to argue!

You already have your clinic. You have no need for a consulting room as well.

You know that your patients horrify me, they're so sickly.

I rented the apartment to avoid any disagreeable situations.

- To whom did you rent it? - Someone from Milan, through the agency.

- It's a pianist. - A pianist? Some penniless bitch!

Add that on top of what happened to me this morning, ...

... after I worked all night. What must I do now?

- Listen to a serenade? - If it's any consolation...

... I spent the night alone while you were enjoying yourself!

Don't forget that one of the doctors has left to be a missionary!

I can scarcely remember when this bed was used for something other than sleep!

- Ciao, mama! - Ciao ! I was talking with your father.

- Yes, I heard. Ciao! - I don't think you should talk like that in front of him.

And you don't? At least I don't curse the doorman.

That one occasionally reminds me that I'm a woman. Ciao.

- Good morning! - Call me, don't make me worry.

- But my office is only 1OO meters away. Ciao, love. - Ciao.

Forward, march!

One, two! One, two! To the right! March!

One, two! One, two! One, two! One, two!

- My Dear Elvira! - Good morning, Colonel!

I thought they canceled the Republic Day parade.

- Amedeo! - At your command, Colonel.

At ease. Ras didn't defecate yesterday.

Don't worry, I gave him some mozzarella today.

- He'll shit as soon as he's outside. - Take care, Ras... defecate!

If you come through here again I'm going to kill you!

Couldn't you go out through the garden, instead of using the front door?

Then who would you have to yell at?

Who else were you threatening to kill? The Colonel? Let's go!

Defecate, dogs!

Why can't you take these wretches for a walk sometime?

- Papa, I'm a playboy! - No, you're a play-asshole!

Meow! Meow!

What are you doing? Don't pull! Dammit, dogs, don't run!

Stop!

Come on, there are only four of them!

Mamma mia, an obstacle!

Go!

Foul! Foul! Stop the ball!

Dickhead!

Goal !

Goal... that ass!

No, you're confusing a goal with your ass. Come on, play.

No, I said: "Look at that ass!"

And that is a nice one!

Hello, the Marinotti residence. Who is speaking?

- It's me, darling... Luisa. - Oh my God! Why are you calling me here?

I've tried three times at your office since yesterday. I was getting worried.

- How are you? - I'm fine.

Who's that?

It's the deputy mayor himself.

- Was that your mother? - My mother?

- You never told me that you lived with your mother. - Yes, it's true.

- So how is she doing? - Who?

Your mother! Didn't she have a heart attack?

She's usually on her back, but sometimes she's up and down.

- Say hello for me. - Yes, I'll tell her.

- The deputy mayor's mother sends her greetings. - Do I know her?

- Once a mother, always a mother. - But, Ferdinando...

I'm coming!

- Now? - No, in a little while! Call me at the office.

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

- Guys, she's going to our house! - I have an idea!

- That's unusual. - Where's he going?

Ciao! Is the doorman here?

I'm the junior doorman!

Is this the place where there was an apartment for rent?

It is, if it hasn't already been rented.

Anyway, I'll take you to the owner. Follow me.

No, my dear... I'll accompany you, this is my house.

- Let me take your luggage. - Thank you.

- Come in. - Prego.

- Bring the luggage. - Who? Here, Roberto, you need the exercise.

Come on! Let's go!

This way.

- What about me? - No, you take the stairs. You need to lose weight.

Let's go!

Please...

Hello?

Teresa... get the door!

The goddamn door!

Is everyone dead? Where is everybody?

I have to answer the door in my sleep! Who is it?

Papa, open up! It's a lady to rent the apartment.

What do I care? We already rented it to a piano teacher.

That's me, Luisa De Dominicis.

Is this a dream?

Just a minute!

- Here I am. Wasn't that quick? - Fregoli couldn't have done better.

You're too kind! In my profession...

...timeliness is indispensable.

- Are you a journalist? - No, a surgeon.

Come, I'll show you my... your apartment.

It's on the same floor.

My apologies if it's in a mess.

- It's small, but with all the amenities. - It is very nice.

- Thank you. - I like it. Even the kitchen is nice.

I'm glad you like it.

- Is there a terrace? - Yes.

- May I see it? - Of course.

- What a beautiful, sunny terrace... a beautiful view! - You're telling me?

I've always wanted a place with a terrace.

20.000, 20.000, 20.000...

- Who pays that kind of money? - How should I know?

- Ettore, 20.000. - You should see this ...

- 20.000 a pop! - Duilio, the ass, he got a discount!

Only 15.000!

This is a beautiful closet, very important to a woman.

My wife doesn't talk about anything else. So you play the piano?

Yes! But some say it's like I was from Mars.

It comes down to caring for my customers, like any other job.

- I had many clients in Milan. - Really?

Yes! As many as... 12 or 13 a day!

I'm sure that you'll soon see a steady clientele here.

- The telephone works? - Yes, of course.

Did you see how she's concerned about it?

Otherwise, how would you contact your clients and make a living?

There is this bed and another at the corner of the kitchen.

If that creature bothers you, I'll take it to the zoo. Roar....!

No, I like wild animals.

- I'll feel more protected. - Thank God!

To be honest, I couldn't wish for more.

It's very nice here, quite comfortable.

I'm sure I'll be happy here.

I'm pleased, and honored to have you as a tenant.

We won't disturb you any longer. Boys!

What?

- Goodbye. - Goodbye, I'll see you to the door.

- Goodbye. - See you soon. - Goodbye. - See you soon.

- Yes? Councillor Bonci Marinotti. - It's me, Luisa.

Ah! One moment!

Take these. The rest I'll sign later. Now go.

- What is it? - It doesn't sound like you're pleased to hear from me.

That's not it! I'm still a little shaken by what happened this morning!

You caught me in the middle of... of a discussion with my mother.

- I'm sorry, I didn't know. - Never mind, it's already forgotten.

- How are things there to Milan? - But I'm in Lucca!

Oh my God!

In Lucca? What are you doing here? Are you passing through?

No, I'm not passing through, love. I've come here to live.

- And how will you do that? - Like I always have.

Yes, of course, it will be a bit difficult at first,...

... but as soon as I learn my way around and make some contacts ...

... I'll be able to practice my profession just as I did in Milan. Don't worry.

- You won't have to take care of me. - I wasn't suggesting that, for heaven's sake.

- What hotel are you staying at? - Hotel? I have a little nest of my own.

It has a beautiful terrace and a magnificent bed.

Your own nest, with the bed. I'm not quite sure what to say.

- Even if I knew, I wouldn't be able to say it. - What's the matter with you?

- You sound agitated. - I'm not! I'm just excited.

I'm in high spirits because I love you.

- I'm agitated because I love you. - So where can we meet?

- I don't know! - At the plaza by the new church?

Okay, I'll take a taxi. I'll recognize your car, of course. Ciao.

Ciao. She's nothing but a call girl.

That's worse than calling 113 [the police]!

Why do I have to work from morning to night...

- ...when that lazy child of yours just lays around? - Be careful!

- You might get a cramp from the grater! - Ciao, have you eaten?

Good morning! Welcome, Doctor.

- She's been waiting to feed you. - Yes?

- I don't like to wait when I'm ready to eat! - Sorry, papa!

- Where have you been? - I brought in the new tenant -- a teacher.

- Oh, yes? - I fixed an egg with seasoned pasta.

- Thanks, mama! - Eat the egg, then do your math with your father.

- Sit down. - Yes.

- Now, tell me all about her. - The new tenant is a knockout!

- As nice as the ones in Chiappetta? - Better than any of them, papa! Any!

- Holy shit! Can't I take a drink? - Exactly!

Exactly what?

- Hello? - Yes?

- Am I speaking with my asshole of a son? - Yes.

What are you trying to do, make me look like an asshole?

- The new tenant is a call girl. - What does that mean?

She's a whore!

- Pervert! - I also have good news for you!

- And what would that be? - There's an increase of 20.000 for doormen.

- But not until '85, I'm afraid. - Ha! "Campa Cavallo" [Life as a Horse].

You still haven't eaten your egg?

- Eat up! - Eat up, so you can become as big as your father.

Stop reminding him, you'll give him a complex.

Just eat your egg so you can grow.

But they disgust me, especially when they come out my ass!

Don't say bad words!

- Are you some kind of dimwit? - Don't talk like that to your mother!

- Don't mistreat him. - That will teach him!

Show your father some respect!

I'll have an egg with my pasta.

- Keep the change. - Thank you.

Where can he be?

Luisa, I'm in here!

- Ciao, my tomcat! - Get in, quickly!

What are you doing hiding in the car?

Get in, and be quiet. Quick, crouch down.

- Are you some kind of spy? - Yes.

- Just kidding! - My love!

I'm running in the election for mayor.

- I want to make love! - No, stop it.

- Let's make love. - We can't be seen by the office workers!

I based my election campaign on the defense of morality.

- Then introduce me to your mother. - What, are you crazy?

The slightest excitement could kill her.

- As soon as she's feeling better we'll see. - What a disappointment.

You were so passionate in Milan. Maybe I was wrong to come here.

Yes, this was a terrible prank.

Quiet! Someone's coming!

It's a tow truck! Someone's vigilant!

Get down!

This car belongs to our councilman. Bravo, eh?

Take it away. Like all of them, he says one thing and then ...

To think it was me who wanted the plaza to be a pedestrian area.

I have an idea.

We'll do like the paratroopers. When I say, you jump out.

Don't worry, I'll come to find you tonight. Are you ready?

- Yes. - Go... go!

- My God, what are you doing? - Excuse me.

For heaven's sake, I hope there's a replay!

Now it's up to you, Marinotti Ferdinando.

Squeeze your ass and jump! Number two out!

Oh... the pain!

- Councillor Marinotti, is that you? - Spy!

- Will it work? - Are you kidding?

The hole should be at the eye of the tiger, according to my calculations.

- Damn it! - What calculations did you use?

I must have made a miscalculation!

Plug the hole before it floods the house! You ruined everything!

- Get a plug! - Don't panic, I've got it.

There!

I nearly sweat to death!

- Now what do we do? - We move to the other eye.

- And hope we don't hit the gas pipe! - Let's hope!

Ciao! Has the new tenant arrived?

- Unfortunately she woke me up. - How's that?

She said she wanted to be my... my tenant.

I'll check on her tonight before dinner.

- I'm going to the clinic, I have an urgent case. - Ciao!

- Good morning, professor. - How are you, Amadeo?

- Going to the clinic? - It's where I work.

How many operations today?

- Three stomachs and two livers. - Enjoy your meal.

You know you work too hard, professor. You need to take a break now and then.

Perhaps you should go to the beach. I've got that, professor. Get in.

You could get a tan.

Lately I've noticed you might need a rest... taking care of things at home and at the office.

- Amedeo, are you delirious? - I need to tell you something, just between us men.

Working as the doorman, I've come to realize how this area is filled.

Filled, my dear professor.

The area around here is filled with whores. Really!

Last night I counted eight!

This area is perhaps the only one in Lucca so full of whores.

The next thing you know there'll be twelve. Twelve - can you believe that?

It seems an odd thing, but it's true.

Then she ... Professor, would you like me to scratch you?

Hopefully it's not an epidemic!

- In any case, there are more whores! - So, where do they lurk?

- At home, professor. - In my home?

Didn't you know that the new tenant is the chief whore?

Stop it!

- First you scratch and then you're angry? - How dare you?

- Okay! - Who told you that?

The people. Vox populi.

You're a luxury in this building, so no more gossiping!

- Don't get mad, I'll be as silent as a tombola. - You mean the grave [tombale]!

- Tombola or tombale in English. - Just put a headstone on that tombola!

Okay, goodbye.

Stop shouting or I'll fire you!

- The door! - That's it! You're fired!

- The door! - I said you're fired!

My hand's in the door!

- What can you see? - Tell us!

Wait a minute. There, she's taking a shower.

- Does she shower in her clothes? - No, she's naked.

She's naked! She's totally nude! Totally nude!

- Totally nude! - Did she put a spell on you? Let me see!

- What can you see? - What a beautiful pair!

What beautiful breasts she has! Her thighs! Her thighs!

- Just a minute... soon! - Save some for me!

- It's my turn! Get out of there! - Wait, you'll get your turn!

- Come on! Lift me...

Look at that pair!

They looked like giant lollipops.

- Get out of there. I'll use my left eye! - Okay, but get off the floor.

Alright then, look!

I'd love to soap her down! Why wasn't I born a sponge?

- Come on, stop it up! - Mr. Fix-it!

- Quickly! - There you go, that did it.

This is a psychologically opportune moment. I'm going to attack.

- What are you going to do? - I'm going for it!

He's just crazy!

And she's just beautiful!

I'm coming!

- Have I disturbed you? - No, just tell me why you're here.

Actually... You know... These things are...

I don't know... where to begin!

But I can see that you're busy and won't waste your time.

No, just tell me what's on your mind.

- What? - Delinquent! Scoundrel! How dare you?

You're a pig! Get out!

Who is it?

- Who is it? - It's me, your tomcat!

Is it Puss in Boots?

Did I offend you?

I made it! I came up without being seen by anyone.

- Not even the doorman. - Don't overdo it, we're all free to come and go.

Maybe you are, my love, but I'm not.

Do you understand? If anyone asks you, I'm your brother.

- I do not understand. That's ridiculous. - I know, but bear with me for a while.

Everything will work out, you'll see. Ah! The treasure of the Incas!

- But you still haven't given me a kiss. - What was that?

I don't know why, but I don't feel I'm alone in my own home.

I feel like we're being watched.

Beautiful, sweet, my brioche, all buttered!

Give me a kiss.

There's so much that I want to do with you. Have you wanted to see me?

Do you feel like you want it? I want more... always more!

Let me look at these! Gold! These are gold!

That tiger makes me uncomfortable.

He reminds me of the current mayor.

That's impossible, Ferdinando, it's just a tiger. Leave the tiger alone!

- Just think about me! - Yes, my love.

- Yes, come on the bed. - Yes. - What are they doing?

She's taking off her robe and getting into bed!

- Come to bed! - Yes, I'm coming.

- Rip everything off! Break a leg! - Oh, yes!

Help me take off my pants. Quick... my pants!

Give me a hand, open the treasure chest!

Careful! You tore off a button.

- Yes! How nice! - Ahhhh... !

- Who is it now? - Never mind who's there, just hold me!

- Who is it? - It's Mrs. Busatti.

I brought you something to eat, since you're probably not organized yet.

The landlady!

- I have to get away. - Yes, run!

- My shoes! - Here they are. Quickly!

- Your pants are on the floor. I'm coming! - You're coming? I didn't even get a handjob!

I'm putting on my robe. I'll be right there!

- I'll hide in the closet. - No, not there! Not the closet!

- Out on the terrace. - I'll go out on the terrace.

- Quickly. - On the terrace.

Here, Fernando... your shoes.

I'm coming, signora.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything?

Whatever you may have imagined, there's nothing going on in my home.

My husband called from the clinic. He has to work late.

He had an urgent case come in.

There must be some cats in heat outside. Cats are little whores,...

...lying on the couch all day and then going out at night to frolic.

- Let's see what they're doing. - No, Mrs. Busatti, not on the terrace.

The cats are my friends. I like them and they keep me company.

- Okay, then. I'll be back to pick up the dishes. - Brava.

- You eat... don't let any go to waste. - Don't worry. Good evening, Mrs. Busatti.

At last.

- Madonna! - No!

- Who is it? - It's me, Dr. Busatti.

- Please let me in, it's best I avoid being seen. - Look, I ...

- I was about to go to bed. - By yourself?

- With whom? I'm alone. - Oh my God!

Whatever you say.

Who else do you think might come here at this time of night?

Just me.

- Do you believe this sugar-daddy? - I brought you a present.

- Do you like it? - You're such a dear.

I had to run today, and I haven't been able to properly welcome you.

I completely understand. You're so thoughtful.

I have to be home by midnight, or else explain myself to my wife.

- Enough. - A girl like you, doing what you do ...

- Who is it? - Mrs. Busatti.

Where can I hide? It's my wife. The closet...

No, not the closet.

- No, you can't go in there. - Where can I go?

Under the bed.

- Under the bed! - No... out, out.

- The terrrace! - No.

My God, where can I hide? Where can I hide?

Got a light?

Good night. I'm delighted to have you as a neighbor.

- It was my pleasure. - I enjoyed it... a great pleasure. See you soon.

The maniac!

You poor thing!

There's the lunatic, look at him.

Wake up, wake up!

What?

You swine!

You're insane!

- I just wanted to tell you ... - Get out!

Good night.

- Stop here. - Do you see that? They're delivering a piano.

- Doorman? - Who goes there?

- Excuse me, Miss De Dominicis? - Ah, for the piano?

The piano goes to the top floor.

Top floor, always the top floor, never one ever lives on the first floor.

- Come on, let's get it unloaded. - It's her piano.

- Hey, playboy. Get over here. - What is it, papa?

Let me make one thing clear, if you're interested in music,...

...you won't be playing the piano, but rather the bassoon.

She's doing this to hide her real business.

Holy shit, I hadn't thought of that. Sometimes you're so smart.

- I learned everything from mama. - From whom did you learn?

I learned everything from mama.

Am I supposed to learn everything from my father?

Roberto, come to the table, your father is waiting. Come.

I'll be right there.

I told you fat was bad for you.

ln all of my activities I demand,...

...I repeat, I demand, the utmost punctuality, you little prick!

Why is punctuality synonymous with discipline?

- The secret of discipline is punctuality. - Bravo.

I see that you understand, but you must prove it with deeds, prick!

You must come to dinner on time, especially when I have a guest.

But he's not a guest, he's always here.

That may be true, but he has my unconditional respect and trust,...

- ... so he deserves your respect. Do it! - My respects.

Bravo, that's better. Now get to the table!

Sit!

Ready...

...march, one, two...

- Here you go, thanks. - Good morning, ma'am.

- Thank you. - Good morning, ma'am.

- It's you. - Am I disturbing you?

No, you can come in if you like.

- Thank you. - Do you like music?

Yes, very much.

Actually I stopped by because I wanted to tell you something.

Go ahead, I'm listening.

- Here... with you ... - So ... ?

I forgot what I was going to say. It was obviously stupid.

Don't say that. Sometimes you can forget even the most important things.

- Yes, I hope it will come back to me. - It will keep until the next time.

- Excuse me, the telephone. - Prego.

Hello?

Ciao, darling, I can't come today. I have to go with the mayor ...

... to the Institute of the Sisters of Bernardone for election propaganda.

- It's very important. - I see. As usual, you can't get away.

What should I do? Sit by the phone and wait for another call, ...

... in which you'll tell me that you can't come?

I have to go, ciao. What an idiot.

What are you doing? Leaving already, Marcello?

I saw that you were on the phone, and thought it was best to leave.

- No. Would you give me a ride into town? - Sure.

"For a healthy family, a healthy society." What do you think?

It's okay, but I don't like your photo. You don't look healthy.

What do you think? That I'd sulk if you changed the photo?

- Councillor, Colonel Marullo wants to speak with you. - What a bore!

- My dear Councillor. - My dear Colonel.

- Excuse me, I'll just be a few minutes. - Prego.

I wanted to make arrangements with you for the visit to the students...

... at the barracks on Republic Day.

Ah, thank you.

Thank you, because I personally feel it's absolutely essential...

... to provide comfort and hope,...

...that at a time of uncertainty like this,...

...young people return to an appreciation of high moral values...

...and demand a revival of patriotism and discipline.

You're fucking amazing!

For goodness sake, that was nothing special.

I always try to to express myself with the greatest simplicty.

Your effort will be well rewarded. We'll soon have a new mayor... with little difficulty!

Everyone says so!

With the Madonna as my witness, I don't ask for anything, ...

... but to do the will of the people.

Now I'd like the opinion of an intelligent man on a certain matter.

What do you think of this poster, Colonel?

Come.

Can you picture the entire square papered with these posters?

- Can you imagine the effect? - Damn, what a bombshell!

lt's short, says something nice, but doesn't overdo it.

But is it an expression that will appeal to young people like them?

Without exaggeration, I can say I've never seen anything like it.

That's my new neighbor.

I'm sure I recognize her.

She's just moved in to an apartment in my building.

- I'll come visit more often, Colonel. - A fucking beautiful recruit.

She's from Milan! I've always said they're good people, the Milanese, ...

... hard workers, full of ideas.

If they could figure out how to manufacture girls like that, ...

... I'm sure they'd sell like hot cakes.

Just look at that pride, that poise... and those thighs!

I would pass a law that prohibited women from riding on a motorcycle in a skirt.

You should say that at a rally, in case any of them are around.

Any higher and we'd see her jelly pot.

If he wanted her jelly, he should have taken her for a walk.

What's this talk of "jelly"? That's a schoolboy with her, just a child.

- It's probably her younger brother. - Yes, but, "The brother is not to be trusted."

Don't worry, that boy is the son of a reformer.

Dr. Busatti. I know him well. Believe me, I do.

But then, this is of no interest to me.

- Who is he? - Who?

That child who was driving you around on the motorbike.

He's the son of my landlord.

- He took me into the city. Are you jealous? - Jealous? Of him?

Of a schoolboy? A man like me, soon to be mayor?

I am jealous, and it was in bad taste to drive you around outside my office.

I wanted to let you know that I was alive and there's more to life than your election.

The election is important, my little mouse, and because of that we must be careful.

Unless you take me out tonight, I'll be leaving.

Tonight? But you have a piano, like the good old days in Milan,...

... with that rhapsody I love. You have the piano.

The piano will still be there. It isn't going to run away, you know?

No, it won't be here if you're gone. Before you leave me, please play that rhapsody.

Play the rhapsody that excites me so much.

The rhapsody... please play the rhapsody.

- Play it... play the rhapsody. - No.

I want to hear it, my love. I want to hear it.

I'll just unfasten your robe, sweetheart... good... like so... there.

Now I'll open your robe, slip it off your shoulders ...

I think you're so beautiful, my love.

So beautiful, my love.

Play, play ...

I love this song...

Doesn't this bra restrict your breathing?

It rises quickly, the sounds, the sounds...

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

Yes... play, play... while I admire these things.

How beautifully you play.

You play so beautifully. Oh, that music. What music!

Cuckoo!

So nice, nice, nice! Your mother made you well.

Oh, doctor, doctor... keep playing.

Attack!

That's enough, dickhead! You should be fucking ashamed.

Soldiers, since we can't do battle in peace, I'm going to go tell her it's four a.m.

- What's the matter? - Can't you hear? I'm going to tell her it's four a.m.

Then go...

I'm boiling hot! Come on. Come on...

Now everything's boiling... everything.

"We're just friends. Find me someone who wants to play the piano."

Asshole!

Who is it? Do they think this is a call-girl's home?

Here... I'll hold this.

Wait while I see who it is.

- Holy Madonna, it's him! - Who's him?

Open the fucking door!

- I'm Colonel Marullo. - Have they assigned him to counterintelligence?

- What does he want? - Open up, dickhead, or I'll break down the door.

I'll be right there. He lives here.

- Come quickly, get in the closet. - How is this possible? Just like in the movies.

- What is it? - Make him leave. I have to be home by 1 a.m.

- Go. - Close it.

Open immediately, dickhead.

- Good evening! - Good evening.

I came here to bring to your attention that according to the laws of public safety, ...

... you cannot break the co ...

- What were you saying? - Me? Nothing.

I was saying ... Was that you playing the piano?

Yes, I'm afraid so. I'm sorry if I disturbed you.

For goodness sake, don't stop, you play divinely, ...

... and I do love listening to the music of Rossini.

- Actually it was Beethoven. - Beethoven? A foreigner?

What I meant to say is that you play it beautifully.

I don't mean to flatter you, but you bring a nice touch to ...

- Ah... a lovely touch ... bidibidibi. - Thank you.

You are a clever and talented young lady, ...

... unlike my daughter Grace ... She's engaged to a major.

She's a good girl, with a good career, but she's wasting time, shilly-shallying ...

... and she, without knowing it, isn't helping matters.

But perhaps if she could play the piano ...

- If that's all you want, I can give her lessons. - Really?

- Of course! - Would you do that? That's wonderful!

- See you tomorrow. - Thank you.

Oh my God!

What the fuck! A scream of pain? Because she loves me?

Don't shout like that!

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! It's nearly one. My wi ... my ...

My mother... my mother will be worried.

Of course! You only think of her and your election ...

- ... but I matter nothing to you at all? - Hush, hush, my little mouse.

That's not true. You'll see. We'll have plenty of time soon, you'll see.

That's a fact... now be quiet!

This is dangerous. We must be careful. If I can, I'll call you tomorrow.

- I'll call you. - Don't call me again, peasant!

My God.................

It serves him right.

- Can someone answer the door? - Who's job is that? I guess that's what I'm here for!

- Good morning, ma'am. - Good morning, Miss Luisa.

- Is Marcello ready? - No, he's dressing. Why?

He promised to show me the city.

Marcello !

- Marcello! - Yes, mama.

Miss Luisa is here. She says you're going out together.

Yes, tell her I'll be right there.

- Do you like Lucca? - I think it's beautiful.

Enough of this, let's you and I be friends.

If you say so. Whatever you like.

We've arrived. I stopped where you asked, okay?

- Why that tone? Are you in a bad mood? - Yes.

- No... I don't know. - What a strange boy you are!

Sometimes it seems like you're angry with me, and other times ...

At other times, quite the contrary.

- It's almost as if you're infatuated with me. - Infatuated? What a big word.

I'm too busy for someone like you, too many duties, distractions, ...

... it's better if we just have fun.

I don't think it was just my imagination, but ...

- ... you're only a young boy. - And you're a whore.

- Hello? - Hello, it's me.

It's you at last. When are you coming?

- Unfortunately, I have a meeting. I can't make it. - On such short notice?

Try to understand, I was just told about it. Just a moment ago.

The Prefect will be there, too, so I can't back out.

You know it makes me sick that I can't show you around.

If I'm able, I'll pay you a quick visit later, okay?

Dear, are you ready? We have to go.

Forget it. Don't bother. I won't miss your company.

Can you believe that idiot, calling me Penelope?

Go to hell!

Signorina!

- What a lovely surprise! - Good evening, professor.

Where are you going, all alone at this hour?

I thought I might go out to dinner, but I don't know the city at night.

We are a poor provincial town. However, there are some good restaurants here.

- Might I dare to invite ... - You can dare, you can dare!

- Please, this way. - Thank you.

- Please have a seat. - Thank you.

Liar, hypocrite! She doesn't even respect my father, ...

... but I know where he's taking you. First feed the baby, then put her to bed.

This time I don't care.

If it pleases you, sir, a Fernet Branca for you.

And a Fernet Branca for the lady.

- It really helps the digestion? - As they say, it doesn't hurt the digestion.

- Do you like this place? - It's very nice. - I'm glad.

Excuse me, but I have to make a call to the hospital.

If you happen to speak to your wife, would you ask her to join us for dinner?

Good... that was a good one!

- What would the lady care for? - A tonic water, please.

Immediately, ma'am.

- Yes? - Hello, Teresa, it's me. - Ciao.

- It's going to be a long night. - I fixed a dinner with all the trimmings ...

- I hear the sound of cutlery. - Don't kid around, they're preparing my instruments.

- Really? - It's a difficult job. I don't know if I can save her.

Why not try giving her an eggplant with marsala?

I didn't understand what you said. I'll just say goodnight.

Professor Busatti, what a pleasure -- my savior!

You're also here at the restaurant! I'd like you to meet my wife Margherita.

- You must come and dine with us. - I have to go. - Come, come.

- I can't. I have a dying patient. - Come, come.

- I have to go. - Come.

Come, come.

Is it raining?

Signora, here's a message for you.

I'm sorry to inform you that I had to leave to attend to a dying man.

I'll make it up to you, your ever devoted Busatti.

I always come here. The food is good.

- Councillor. - Good evening.

- Good evening, councilor. - Good evening.

Please, sit down, you really look beautiful tonight, in a natural way.

Thank you, nice of you to say so.

- That son of a priest. - Pardon, did you say something?

Isn't that Councillor Marinotti who just came in?

- Yes, he's one of our best customers. - Is the lady who's with him his mother?

No, it's his wife.

- His wife ... he's married? - He's married and she pays.

She finances all his election expenses. With your permission, signora.

- Hello! - Ciao, Marcello, I'm happy to see you.

Really? You're not mad?

What are you saying? Everyone has their bad moods, ...

... and says unpleasant things. Why don't we have dinner together?

I was angry because you never take me seriously.

- Me? Of course I take you seriously. - Okay... and why did you leave with my father?

I met him outside the house and asked him for the name of a restaurant ...

... and he brought me here. He then went to the hospital to attend a dying patient.

- I'm such an idiot. - Will the gentlemen be joining you for dinner?

- Yes, I'd like that table near the window. - Prego, signora.

Thank you, let's go.

Still... a million here, a million there, and we're out 18 million!

- Your political career is costing me dearly. - My little wolf, ...

... you're being unfair. Have patience, I'm doing all this for you!

This promises to be an amusing evening.

- As you will soon see. - Can I recommend the tortellini with cream?

- Yes, the tortellini will be fine. For you,too? - Yes.

- And champagne! - Disgusting!

- It's not disgusting. It's a good wine. - No, it's squeezed from corks.

- Prego, signora. - Listen to him. He has the brains of a zucchini.

Is this something you might enjoy?

- Blanc de blanc, Principe di Piemonte, well chilled. - That will do nicely, thank you..

Oh God! Eve the whore!

- Excuse me, sir, it got away from me. - I'm not, it came out spontaneously.

- Come on, let's go. - We're leaving so soon?

- Yes, everything's gone wrong this evening . - Cheers. - Cheers.

- Are we going home? - Yes, we're going home.

What's the matter with me?

Nothing, you just had too much to drink. How do you feel?

- I'm alright... I just need to vomit. - Ah, great.

- Where am I? - At my place.

- Where are we? - At my place.

At last, I wanted this so much.

- Do you like me? - Of course I like you.

- So who is that pig who comes here? - What did you say?

I've seen him, you know?

You're talking this way because you're drunk.

No, it's just that I'm in too much pain for my age.

I'll go fix some coffee.

Little mouse! I'm finally alone and can talk.

- So, that was your wife? - I understand that was a hard blow, little mouse,...

... finding out that I was married. But this shouldn't change our relationship.

- Why not? - Because I see my wife so seldom ...

- ... that she only gets relief with her finger. - Is that so?

I swear! You know what? As soon as I'm elected, ...

... I'll tell the voters to kiss my ass, divorce her and marry you.

- Really? Have you told her? - I don't need to do that. You know I love you, ...

- ... love you, love you, love you.! - Ferdinando !

I love you... my pious friends, with a gentle feeling of strength and peace.

I'm pouring out my heart... I love you all. I'm rehearsing my speech for the next rally.

- If I don't do it in the toilet, where else can I go? - I see. Just hurry up!

Alright.

- This is my wife's crapper. - What did you say?

Crapper! Crapper! I'm on the crapper! When I'm finished, I'll be out, okay?

Ciao, my love, I'll see you tomorrow morning at 10:00, little mouse.

Now I understand!

- Amedeo! - Who is it?

- What are you doing? - No... it's the...

What are you saying?

She's... Be quiet, she's doing Turkish things.

Come on. Come on, dammit!

It's amazing, like the Arabian Nights. Take a look!

She has two legs that go like clock hands.

Blessed Mother, what an ass! A scenic view!

She looks like the Venus of Calligufo.

- Amedeo, it's the Venus of Callipigia. - Callipigia... Calligufo... whatever!

- How dare you? - Excuse me, but I'm not a queer.

- No, neither am I. - Let me explain... maybe you'll understand.

You're just a boy, you're haven't sailed these waters.

Sex has its own laws of compensation.

We're stimulated by the scent of meat, and their's smells like fish.

- That's some meat, eh? - Amedeo, you're a pig!

- Oh well... - You're a pig, you know?

- Stop looking at her! - How can I? You saw what I saw!

- What a pig! - Don't push me!

- Leave me alone! - Are you going to stop looking or not?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

The next time you try this, I'll speak to your wife ...

... and she'll slap your face! - Who gave you permission to speak to my wife?

You'd better remember that a doorman is a luxury in this building.

Why are you so angry? Your father can say these things to me, but not you!

A 20-year old boy comes along and throws a 50-year old man in the tub?

These were expensive clothes, and if I had 5 minutes to spare...

... I'd break your neck! Is that clear?

- Oh, it's you. - I'm sorry about what happened yesterday.

I wanted to ask if you'd record that rhapsody, ...

- ...so I might enjoy it. - Okay, I'll record it.

- Thank you. - But not right now. I have an appointment.

Yes, of course. I'd like to ask you one more thing.

Yesterday, when we were here together, did anything happen between us?

- No, why? - Because it would be a shame not to remember it.

Yes, a real shame.

Hello?

Hello, Luisa, it's me, my love.

Look, Luisa, dammit, I must be jinxed.

I'm meeting with the election committee here at 10:00.

Don't get mad, I'm in deep shit.

I wouldn't worry, it's your natural habitat.

I can't come, my love. I'll call you later.

No! Don't call me. Not for any reason!

Besides, I don't know if I'll be here. Ciao !

- Are you interested in taking me into the city? - Of course!

I left my motorbike in front of the restaurant ...

- ...and this morning it wasn't there. - Don't worry, I'm sure you'll find it.

I wouldn't care anything about the bike if you were my girlfriend.

- Come on, don't overdo it! - No, I really mean it.

Think how nice it would be if we could always walk arm in arm like this.

- You're such a dear. - You too.

Since you arrived, even if you make me suffer a bit, ...

... life in this city is much better.

- Everything just looks nicer. - The Tourism Office would be pleased to hear that.

- Why can't you ever be serious? - Luisa!

Excuse me a moment, I'll be right back.

Sweetheart, did you understand what I said last night?

We'll get married, and we'll always be together. Does that make you happy?

- I don't know. - It's that pig again!

You have to believe me. You know I'm not capable of lying. I love you.

Of course.

But it still doesn't sit well with me to see you riding on that motorbike beneath my window!

- Why is that? Does the noise bother you? - No, I'm more bothered by his balls!

Thighs exposed to the breeze and clinging to that little pup!

Don't be ridiculous, you know that boy means nothing to me.

- Do you still love me? - Didn't I come here looking for you?

Then why are you always hanging around with that boy?

Don't you understand? I do it to make you jealous.

Make me jealous? I should be jealous of that pup?

- My dear Marinotti! - It's you! Signora.

Just a moment, as I explain something to this young lady... it's just ahead.

You'll find the city hall there. Understand?

Then the registry office is on the street to the right. There's a small door...

- I'll come to you tonight. Is that clear, signorina? - Yes, thanks.

Good afternoon.

- Shall we walk together? - Happy to...

Now what's she doing? What's she looking for? Up your's!

- Who is it? - It's me, darling, your Tarzan.

I'll open the door right away.

My Dear Councillor! What a splendid surprise!

How did you hear about my daughter? I tried to call you this morning.

Today's party is for a few close friends, but tomorrow will be the big day!

After the wedding, there'll be lunch. Please, councilor, the elevator.

- The groom isn't that bad. - My congratulations!

I have a meeting ...

Pardon me! Lucia! Look, it's the councilor Bonci Marinotti!

- My pleasure! My pleasure! - Councillor, I'm so happy!

- What beautiful flowers! - What beautiful flowers! They're for me, right?

- Give them to me! - They're really not suitable!

- Let go of them! - Councillor, prego.

- We've seen that guy. - All I can think about now is eating!

- Councillor, please make a toast. - I really have to get to a meeting.

- You haven't seen our fish. - No thank you, Colonel, no fish.

- I'll just have a sandwich. - I was referring to the groom.

- Captain Pesce ["fish"]. - My future son!

- My Dear Councillor, more flowers? - Ah, this is your floor!

- I was going ... - No, you must come in!

She's quite dear to me...

- Please, Councilor, this will make her so happy. - I need to explain ...

- Dear Councillor, why have gone to all this trouble? - How beautiful!

- It seemed like they were too few. - The first ones were enough ...

... but I'll take these, too.

Please, Councillor, allow me to introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Busatti.

- I'm pleased to meet you. - My pleasure.

We're pleased to have Councillor Marinotti here this evening.

His presence honors our house.

By the way, didn't you invite the piano teacher?

Yes, I went there twice. She has a fever, and can't go out.

Poor thing, she said she can't come. I'm so sorry.

Dickhead...!

With all the men there are in this world ...

... I fell in love with a married mollusk!

- Who is it? - It's me, Busatti.

- Good evening, may I come in? - What do you want?

Marullo told me that you had a fever.

- I thought as a doctor ... - You wanted to see me... undressed?

- For crying out loud, I'm a doctor! - Yes, but you're also a big lecher.

I can see that you're in a bad mood. I won't disturb you. Good evening.

Good night!

The flower shops are all closed by now. I'll have to walk all over the city ...

... because everyone knows my car.

Will this do for now?

At least she'll appreciate the thought.

- It's your Tarzan, open up! - About time!

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

It will be an elegant wedding!

She must be pissed off, and won't answer the door.

But Tarzan will succeed in reaching his Jane.

Through the back yard.

Mamma mia, the dogs!

- Hello? - Great news, my love.

I recorded a new commercial for the television today, ...

... and this evening we can watch it together in bed.

I never want to see you again!

Come on, don't say that. You're Jane, I'm your Tarzan.

You'll understand everything when I tell you. It will make you laugh.

Some terrible things happened last night.

- I'm sure I'll find it all very amusing. - Good, you understand.

Okay then, I'll come over right away and tell you everything. Ciao, little mouse.

Look at that! She remembered me.

Maybe she regrets the other day.

- Amedeo, how are you? - I'm well, thank you. And you?

- It's a lovely day today. So how are you? - I'm fine.

You know that's a gorgeous dress. Very practical. Very nice.

That was unfortunate!

Even with that idiot! How disgusting!

- I came here to make a confession. - Tell me.

- You know Moby? - Who?

Moby Dick, my wife... the whale.

When I try to make love to my wife ...

... it's as if Dr. Barnard had removed her heart. I get rejected.

- What's that got to do with me? - I need to do it, miss... and how!

You're beautiful, unlike my wife.

So I said to myself: "My Dear Amedeo, go to the signora."

"She'll give you some comfort." Do you understand? Come, sit down.

You don't need to play shy, miss. I'll tell you what I think.

You work hard to feed yourself with your, ah... music.

- Do you like my music? - I'm crazy about it, signora.

Especially when you're playing Betovoli's rhapsody.

- It makes me go crazy. I love the fifth. - And the ninth?

Let's do not overdo it. I'm 45 years old.

I'm still active, but I'm also 45 years old.

- I also like Sebastiano Bacco. - Toccata and Fugue?

I like her toccata [touch], a little less her figa [pussy].

I came to play, so let's cut the crap. Listen, signora ...

- ... I only have 50.000 lire. - But that's too much.

How could it be too much? As beautiful as you are, you deserve billions. Take it!

Are you a beginner?

I'm a man who's sailed these waters. I've had some experience.

- Can you do it by ear? - I've never tried that.

- It should be by ear. - You don't think that would spoil it?

But if you like, I'll do it all: ear, nose, throat!

- Anything you want! - Let's start with a bit of theory.

Sure, a bit of theory, a bit of riding, ...

... a bit of groping, we throw ourselves on the sofa, and... trallalero, trallall�!

- Hey, playboy. - How are things, papa?

Everything's fine. How are things with you?

- Fine... why do you ask? - You're the one who sent me to that whore?

- Do you need a hand? - I'll give you a hand!

- That was the first one. - Don't hit our baby, you'll stunt his growth.

- I can't grow because he's always hitting me. - And this is the second one.

- What are you laughing at? - You deserved that.

- And one for you as well! - The important thing in a family is equality.

The flowers ...

I'm so glad that you remembered! Your presence honors us all.

- Mamma mia! - Mind if we go in your car?

We have relatives who came from out of town. I don't want them squeezing in with us! Thank you!

Come! Come! The councilor has asked us to ride in his car!

- Colonel... - Don't worry about it.

- You are always very generous. - Can you believe I came here for a reason?

Mamma mia!

- Everyone to the church! - Long live the newlyweds!

- Who is it? - It's me, Marcello.

- Marcello, you didn't go to the wedding? - No, I did not.

But I need to talk, please.

- I can't right now, I'm expecting someone. - That pig, no doubt?

Go away!

Open up. Open up!

Stop it! We have nothing to talk about, you scoundrel!

Open up!

Open up!

We'll see about that!

Punt e Mes [Italian Vermouth] is the choice in more than 100 countries around the world.

Don't forget! The nation can only be saved ...

... if we restore ...

... the countless cells that make up its connective tissue, ...

... that is, the family! The family is the basis for everything.

The family, the core of harmony, the core of love ...

... and especially the core of morality.

If each of us ensures they're making every effort, ...

... we might at last save that inestimable, ...

... that incredible wealth of a nation, it's morality!

What a fool! She thought she could lead me on? Just make yourself comfortable.

Marcello, are you crazy? You have no right to come in here!

- I don't? Then who does have the right? - That's no concern of yours!

It's not? Have you already forgotten about telling me that you cared for me?

- And the toast? And the kiss? - That was all nonsense.

- You need to forget that. - It wasn't nonsense, I wasn't fooling around!

You used me to make that pig jealous ...

- ... and like an asshole I played along! - You said it!

Whore!

- You're disgusting! - And what would you call yourself?

Do you think drilling holes in my wall makes you any different?

- You bastard! - I'll kill you.

I'll kill you! Understand?

I thought you were my friend!

I won't be made to look like a fool any longer!

I'm so dear, am I? The truth is, I'm a brute!

Goddamn coward, speak up!

- Let go of me... you won't take me by force! - Disgraceful wretch!

I haven't finished! You'll also play for me. Let me hear your music!

- Undress! - I don't want to!

Come here! Kiss me!

- I won't! Let go of me! - I won't let go. And I'm not leaving!

- Now you'll do as I say! - Marcello!

Get up!

- I hate you! Let go of me! - Come here!

No!

No!

I love you.

I love you... I love you!

Well done, kids.