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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:37,435 Here it is, gentlemen. The big problem. 2 00:01:37,470 --> 00:01:40,283 13-13 Experimental Battery. 3 00:01:40,318 --> 00:01:43,949 I can tell you now, we've had orders to solve it from the top seat. 4 00:01:43,984 --> 00:01:45,961 You mean WC? 5 00:01:45,996 --> 00:01:48,389 WC. The top seat. 6 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,441 As you know, we've tried everything. 7 00:01:52,476 --> 00:01:55,711 Brilliance, outstanding personality, sheer naked courage. 8 00:01:55,746 --> 00:01:57,596 The time has come to try something else. 9 00:01:57,631 --> 00:02:01,076 - Oh? And what's that, sir? - Sheer bloody ignorance. 10 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,440 How long are you going to be, then... sir? 11 00:02:05,475 --> 00:02:08,915 How long? When one is sent for by one's brigadier 12 00:02:08,950 --> 00:02:13,670 to discuss a mission which is so hush-hush that even oneself doesn't know what it is, 13 00:02:13,705 --> 00:02:17,410 - one might be hours. - Permission to pop down the NAAFI, sir. 14 00:02:17,445 --> 00:02:21,000 - I beg your pardon? - Permission to pop down the NAAFI, sir. 15 00:02:21,035 --> 00:02:24,521 Corporal, the enemy is poised to strike across the Channel. 16 00:02:24,556 --> 00:02:28,296 The country is fighting for its life and you want to pop down the NAAFI? 17 00:02:28,331 --> 00:02:32,036 - Well, in that case, I'll forget it. - I'm very pleased to hear it. 18 00:02:32,071 --> 00:02:34,076 I beg your pardon... sir. 19 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,510 Who are you, and what the devil are you doing? 20 00:02:48,545 --> 00:02:50,521 Captain Melly reporting, sir. 21 00:02:50,556 --> 00:02:53,234 Brush yourself down! Follow me to the conference room. 23 00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:03,035 - All right! All right! Why the bloody fanfare? 24 00:03:03,070 --> 00:03:05,350 Watch it, mate. New commanding officer. 25 00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:07,112 Blimey! 26 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,399 Corporal... that man. He was wearing lipstick. 27 00:03:13,434 --> 00:03:15,401 Lipstick, sir? Where? 28 00:03:15,436 --> 00:03:18,592 - On his face. Where do you think? - It must be a burn or a scar, sir. 29 00:03:18,627 --> 00:03:21,648 - I hope you're right. - So do I. 30 00:03:21,683 --> 00:03:23,978 Frilly curtains? Baskets of flowers? 31 00:03:24,013 --> 00:03:26,238 - Brassieres? - Pardon, sir? 32 00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:28,749 - Knickers! - Same to you... sir. 34 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,716 - Captain Melly. - No, you must have come to the wrong place. 35 00:03:55,751 --> 00:03:57,437 My name's Bull. 36 00:03:57,472 --> 00:03:59,596 No, no. I'm Melly. S Melly. 37 00:03:59,631 --> 00:04:02,284 Pity. Have a drink. 38 00:04:02,319 --> 00:04:04,242 Now, look here, Bull. I'm your relief. 39 00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:07,113 - And there are certain things that... - My relief? 40 00:04:07,148 --> 00:04:09,668 Oh, you little beauty! 41 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,245 I could kiss you! 42 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,203 My re! Oooh, my relief! 43 00:04:16,238 --> 00:04:19,312 I've got to go. My relief... 44 00:04:19,347 --> 00:04:21,960 He actually kissed me! 45 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,236 - My case! 46 00:04:25,271 --> 00:04:27,472 - I say! 47 00:04:27,507 --> 00:04:29,278 My case! 49 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:40,195 Welcome to 13-13 Anti-Aircraft Battery, sir! 50 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,641 All right. 51 00:04:43,676 --> 00:04:46,320 Sergeant Major Bloomer, sir. Tiger to the troops. 52 00:04:46,355 --> 00:04:47,958 I can do that! 53 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,792 - Sergeant Major Bloomer, do you think? - Sir? 54 00:04:54,827 --> 00:04:56,403 - Get inside. - Me, sir? 55 00:04:56,438 --> 00:04:59,751 - Yes, you, sir! Get inside at the double! - Hargh! 56 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,238 Drop your trousers! 57 00:05:11,273 --> 00:05:14,432 But, sir, we has only just met. 58 00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:17,512 Drop 'em! That's an order! 59 00:05:17,547 --> 00:05:18,794 Hah! 60 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,670 - I see. - Do you, sir? 61 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,837 Sergeant Major, may I ask you a question? 62 00:05:39,872 --> 00:05:42,690 Sir, may I pull up my trousers? 63 00:05:42,725 --> 00:05:45,509 What? Oh, yes. Yes. Get 'em up. 64 00:05:45,544 --> 00:05:47,521 What I want to know is... 65 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:51,838 what men in this unit would wear the kind of underwear I've seen on the line? 66 00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:53,682 Good Lord! 67 00:05:53,717 --> 00:05:55,756 Some of them are wearing skirts too! 68 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,921 They is not men, sir. 69 00:05:58,956 --> 00:06:00,996 Well, what the blazes are they? 70 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,516 Women, sir. 71 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,601 You mean, female? 72 00:06:07,636 --> 00:06:10,722 Yes, sir. Was sir not told, sir? 73 00:06:10,757 --> 00:06:13,956 This is one of these new mixed batteries. 74 00:06:13,991 --> 00:06:18,756 So, that's what the brigadier meant when he said that this battery was an experiment. 75 00:06:18,791 --> 00:06:21,718 Experiment, sir? They does not need to experiment. 76 00:06:21,753 --> 00:06:24,712 They gets at it right away and all the time. 78 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,716 All right, then. Section, halt. 79 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,150 Oh, come on! Come on. Put each other down. 81 00:06:37,117 --> 00:06:39,121 Hang about! Hang about! 82 00:06:39,156 --> 00:06:42,471 We don't want to give our new CO the right idea, do we? 84 00:06:43,709 --> 00:06:44,915 Right, right turn. 85 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,870 - What's next? - Right dress, Leonard. 86 00:06:49,905 --> 00:06:51,837 Oh, yeah. Er... right dress. 87 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,232 Two inches shorter and he could see right up my skirt! 88 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,199 - What's your name, Sergeant? - Willing, sir. 89 00:07:17,234 --> 00:07:19,201 - And yours? - Able, sir. 90 00:07:19,236 --> 00:07:21,958 Well, Willing and Able, will you kindly tell me 91 00:07:21,993 --> 00:07:26,119 why it is necessary for you all to be squashed up like sardines in a tin? 92 00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:28,270 It's just our way of keeping warm, sir. 93 00:07:28,305 --> 00:07:30,281 On the hottest day of the year? 94 00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:32,470 We've known it hotter than this, sir. 95 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,997 Dress properly! What do you think this is? A love parade? 96 00:07:38,032 --> 00:07:41,003 Hee-hee-hee! Very witty, sir. 97 00:07:41,038 --> 00:07:43,793 You speak when you're spoken to. Do you hear me? 98 00:07:43,828 --> 00:07:46,758 Adjust your dress! 99 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,001 No, no, no! One arm's length apart. 100 00:07:51,036 --> 00:07:54,317 - Did you demonstrate this, Sergeant Major? - Frequently, sir! 101 00:07:54,352 --> 00:07:56,356 - Then do it again on me. - Hah! 102 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,516 Parade. Doing as I do! 103 00:07:59,551 --> 00:08:01,909 Right dress! 104 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,594 As you were. Watch me. Watch me! Right dress! 105 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,155 Doing as I do! As you were! As you were! 106 00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:14,317 Did you not you see what I was doing? Right dress! As you were! 107 00:08:14,352 --> 00:08:17,836 Not as they were. Leave them as they are, Sergeant Major. 108 00:08:17,871 --> 00:08:20,512 But, sir, as they are is horrible, sir! 109 00:08:20,547 --> 00:08:23,153 You're ruining my shoulder, Sergeant. 110 00:08:23,188 --> 00:08:25,161 Sorry, sir. 111 00:08:25,196 --> 00:08:27,201 It comes of gripping balls, sir. 112 00:08:27,236 --> 00:08:29,640 - Eh? - Always has one of these to hand, sir. 113 00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:34,470 - Fingers of steel, sir. Fingers of steel. - Put it away. Let's get on with the inspection. 114 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,474 You up there, what's your name? 115 00:08:44,509 --> 00:08:46,516 Oh, erm... Ready, sir. 116 00:08:46,551 --> 00:08:48,317 Ready. 117 00:08:48,352 --> 00:08:50,794 Ready, Willing and Able. 118 00:08:50,829 --> 00:08:53,275 - This is ridiculous! 119 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,753 - What are you doing? - Twitching, sir! 120 00:08:56,788 --> 00:09:00,156 I can see that, Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching? 122 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,241 It's my woor-uhhhhh... 123 00:09:05,276 --> 00:09:07,576 Woorghhhh! It's my nerves, sir. 124 00:09:07,611 --> 00:09:09,841 Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? 125 00:09:09,876 --> 00:09:13,635 Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the Army for the duration. 126 00:09:13,670 --> 00:09:15,676 Twitch your way out of that! 127 00:09:15,711 --> 00:09:17,733 Oohhh... eerrrggh! 128 00:09:17,768 --> 00:09:19,755 - Ready! 129 00:09:19,790 --> 00:09:21,761 Twitch off! 130 00:09:21,796 --> 00:09:23,791 It's wasted on me, boy. 131 00:09:23,826 --> 00:09:25,836 Good Lord! 132 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,801 Good heavens! 133 00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:31,353 Good man. And what's your name? 134 00:09:31,388 --> 00:09:34,358 Shorthouse. Gunner Shorthouse, sir. It's my name. 135 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,196 And what is your name, my man? 136 00:09:39,231 --> 00:09:41,201 Er... woman? 137 00:09:41,236 --> 00:09:45,199 Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, sir. The Sharpe with an E and two Fs in the Ffoukes. 138 00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:46,756 How do you do? 140 00:09:48,278 --> 00:09:50,590 She too is a ball squeezer, sir. 141 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:56,116 Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe! 143 00:10:00,275 --> 00:10:02,575 - Ooooh! - Oh, Tiger! 144 00:10:02,610 --> 00:10:04,841 I think you're wonderful. 145 00:10:04,876 --> 00:10:07,598 When are you going to savage me? 146 00:10:07,633 --> 00:10:10,075 If only you was a man, I would sort you out! 147 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,838 Well... you seem to have put your foot in it. 148 00:10:14,873 --> 00:10:18,157 Not so much my foot, sir. More my big toe. 149 00:10:18,192 --> 00:10:19,638 What's wrong with it? 150 00:10:19,673 --> 00:10:23,196 Sprained it, sir, didn't I? When I... erm... fell out of bed. 151 00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:25,932 - Pushed out of bed more like! - Pushed out? 152 00:10:25,967 --> 00:10:28,634 - What are you laughing at? 153 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:32,396 Well, I'm happy, sir. 154 00:10:32,431 --> 00:10:35,078 Happy? What, here? 155 00:10:35,113 --> 00:10:38,351 He might have sprained something else, mightn't he? 156 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,640 - Are you trying to be funny, Gunner? - Me, sir? 157 00:10:43,675 --> 00:10:45,960 You, sir. Why are you blinking like that? 158 00:10:45,995 --> 00:10:48,753 - I'm not blinking, sir. You are. - I never blink. 159 00:10:48,788 --> 00:10:51,160 - Neither do I, sir. - You blinking well do! 160 00:10:51,195 --> 00:10:54,920 Sergeant Major, which one of us two is blinking here? 161 00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:58,874 There is only one blinking man blinking here, Gunner, and that's bloody you! 162 00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:00,483 Thank you, Sergeant Major. 163 00:11:00,518 --> 00:11:04,479 And if I catch you again on parade wearing my moustache... that moustache, 164 00:11:04,514 --> 00:11:07,074 you'll be on charge for impersonating an officer. 165 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,074 Ooooh! 166 00:11:09,109 --> 00:11:10,997 Later, sir. Later. 167 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,040 Who are you? 168 00:11:13,075 --> 00:11:17,358 - Easy, sir. - Quite possibly. What's your name? 169 00:11:17,393 --> 00:11:19,635 That is it, sir. Alice Easy. 170 00:11:19,670 --> 00:11:20,385 Oh. 171 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,498 Well, do your top button up. 172 00:11:23,533 --> 00:11:25,761 I can't. They won't let me. 173 00:11:25,796 --> 00:11:28,474 - Who? Who won't let you? - Them. 174 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,988 Oh, nonsense. Do 'em up... erm... it up. 175 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,632 Good gracious me! Stand to attention, you're on parade! 176 00:11:38,667 --> 00:11:40,312 Put those shoulders back! 177 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,198 Oh, I do hope you're regular, sir. 178 00:11:44,233 --> 00:11:46,201 Regular? 179 00:11:46,236 --> 00:11:48,924 - I've been regular for 18 years. - Oh, good. 180 00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,956 - That means I can have it back tomorrow. 181 00:11:51,991 --> 00:11:54,954 - You'll have it back when I'm ready. - That's all right. 182 00:11:54,989 --> 00:11:57,190 No need to strain yourself. 183 00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:09,240 You are a shower! 184 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:12,679 A shambling shower! 185 00:12:12,714 --> 00:12:16,031 And I mean to shake you up more than somewhat! 186 00:12:16,066 --> 00:12:18,041 - Sergeant Major? - Hah! 187 00:12:18,076 --> 00:12:21,914 Dismiss this shambling shower from my sight. 188 00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:23,149 Hah! 189 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,560 Parade! Right turn! 190 00:12:30,595 --> 00:12:32,636 As you were! As you were! 191 00:12:32,671 --> 00:12:34,596 You stupid f... 192 00:12:34,631 --> 00:12:39,077 How is I expected to use the proper words with women present? 193 00:12:39,112 --> 00:12:41,116 Never mind. Never mind. 194 00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:42,872 Just f... 195 00:12:42,907 --> 00:12:44,594 Forget it. 196 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,311 Go away. 198 00:12:58,036 --> 00:13:00,804 Ah, yes, sir. They gives me a headache too. 199 00:13:00,839 --> 00:13:04,137 It's not a headache. It's the stomach. There's a button in it. 200 00:13:04,172 --> 00:13:07,436 What you might now call a belly button, sir. Hee-hee hee-hee! 201 00:13:07,471 --> 00:13:09,441 Oh, shut up! 202 00:13:09,476 --> 00:13:13,109 20 year I've been a sergeant major and nobody told me to shut up before. 203 00:13:13,144 --> 00:13:15,430 I is the person what tells people to shut up, sir... 204 00:13:15,465 --> 00:13:17,351 - Shut up! - Hah! 205 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,401 Now, Sergeant Major, 206 00:13:22,436 --> 00:13:27,275 what, in your opinion, is the thing most calculated to make things hot for this shower? 207 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,752 Well? 208 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:36,315 What's the matter with you, man? Have you been struck dumb? 209 00:13:36,350 --> 00:13:38,117 - I asked you a question. - Sir. 210 00:13:38,152 --> 00:13:41,755 - Have I got permission to break the silence? - Of course you have. 211 00:13:41,790 --> 00:13:44,479 Very well, sir. Kindly repeat the question. 212 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:52,112 I repeat, what in your opinion, is the thing most calculated to make things hot for this shower? 213 00:13:52,147 --> 00:13:54,350 - Only one thing in my book, sir. - Yes. Yes. 214 00:13:54,385 --> 00:13:57,079 - Firing squad. - Ah, yes. That's it. 215 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,439 What sort of a suggestion is that, Sergeant Major? 216 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:04,164 The only one I has to offer. I has tried everything else. 217 00:14:04,199 --> 00:14:08,751 Well, thank you. That's been a great help. I shall have to think for both of us. 218 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,161 I've got it. 219 00:14:12,196 --> 00:14:15,829 - We're going to have an air raid. - My God, sir! They will panic. 220 00:14:15,864 --> 00:14:18,115 - This is just a practice. - They'll still panic. 221 00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:20,173 Yes, they will, won't they? 222 00:14:20,208 --> 00:14:22,161 - The wind. - Not me, sir. 223 00:14:22,196 --> 00:14:27,070 No, Sergeant Major. The wind is what you and me are going to put up them. 225 00:14:28,878 --> 00:14:31,633 - Gives me the wind just to look at it. - Leonard... 226 00:14:31,668 --> 00:14:33,403 - What? - I've got this feeling. 227 00:14:33,438 --> 00:14:35,794 There's a time and a place for everything. 228 00:14:35,829 --> 00:14:39,151 - Not that kind of feeling. - I didn't know you had any other. 229 00:14:39,186 --> 00:14:41,321 No! Listen! 230 00:14:41,356 --> 00:14:44,830 I've got this feeling that that new bloke's going to make trouble for us. 231 00:14:44,865 --> 00:14:47,990 That pipsqueaker? He's too little to be awkward. 232 00:14:48,025 --> 00:14:51,116 Squash him into the ground. Not worried about him. 233 00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:53,121 I'm more worried about this. 234 00:14:53,156 --> 00:14:57,438 - Do we eat it or rub it in? - You can bounce it off the ceiling for all I care. 235 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:02,956 Right, Sergeant Major. They should be starting on their pudding. 236 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,876 Now! Now, Sergeant Major! 237 00:15:05,911 --> 00:15:07,717 - Sir? - I said now. 238 00:15:07,752 --> 00:15:09,761 - There is no need to shout, sir. - What? 239 00:15:09,796 --> 00:15:12,872 - There's no need to shout! - What are you mumbling about? 240 00:15:12,907 --> 00:15:14,996 - There's no need to shout! - Who is? 241 00:15:15,031 --> 00:15:16,593 - I said now! - Hah! 243 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,201 Here. What's that? 244 00:15:24,236 --> 00:15:27,402 - No, it can't be. - It can't be what? 245 00:15:27,437 --> 00:15:30,398 - What I think it is. - What do you think it is? 246 00:15:30,433 --> 00:15:32,914 It's an air raid. 247 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,030 ABLE: Get a move on! 248 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,871 I'll say one thing for them, Sergeant Major... 249 00:15:52,906 --> 00:15:54,881 they certainly know how to run. 250 00:15:54,916 --> 00:15:58,959 Oh, yes, indeed, sir. Of course, they is running in the wrong direction. 251 00:15:58,994 --> 00:16:02,361 - What? - The gun emplacement is over there, sir. 252 00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:06,155 - Well, why are they running that way, then? - Air raid shelter, sir. 253 00:16:06,190 --> 00:16:09,513 - They built it. They calls it the snoggery. - I don't care. 254 00:16:09,548 --> 00:16:12,836 There's an air raid on. This is an anti-aircraft battery unit! 255 00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:13,656 Is it? 257 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,475 Rat-a-tat tat! Rat-a-tat tat! 260 00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,921 Bang! 261 00:16:26,956 --> 00:16:29,474 MELLY: Bang! 262 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,277 I could have sworn someone said bang. 263 00:16:34,312 --> 00:16:37,555 Oh, Leonard. Ooh, what a lovely idea. 264 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,075 Lovely. 265 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,434 I said bang! 266 00:16:45,469 --> 00:16:49,235 You heard what the officer said, you horrible shower! He said bang. 267 00:16:49,270 --> 00:16:51,436 Don't you realise there's an air raid on? 269 00:16:53,407 --> 00:16:55,083 Course we do. 270 00:16:55,118 --> 00:16:56,724 Well, then? 271 00:16:56,759 --> 00:17:00,674 Well, you shouldn't be out in it. Come in here with us, sir. There's plenty of room. 272 00:17:00,709 --> 00:17:03,478 Yes, do join us, Tiger. 273 00:17:03,513 --> 00:17:06,876 I'm not coming in there. You are coming out here. 274 00:17:06,911 --> 00:17:09,519 With an air raid on? There's ladies present. 275 00:17:09,554 --> 00:17:12,359 - You can't have them out in an air raid. - No, you can't. 276 00:17:12,394 --> 00:17:15,363 There is no air raid. 277 00:17:15,398 --> 00:17:18,233 - B-B-But you said there was. - It's a mock air raid. 278 00:17:18,268 --> 00:17:20,311 ALL: Oooh! 279 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,879 I mocked it and you made a mockery of it! 280 00:17:23,914 --> 00:17:28,437 That's nice, isn't it? You're having a mockery while we're having our grub. 281 00:17:28,472 --> 00:17:31,796 - I was just enjoying my spotted dick. - Yeah. 282 00:17:31,831 --> 00:17:34,075 Shut up! 283 00:17:34,110 --> 00:17:37,077 All right. Carry on, Sergeant Major. 284 00:17:37,112 --> 00:17:39,668 - Carry on what, sir? - Get 'em out! Get 'em out! 285 00:17:39,703 --> 00:17:40,668 Sir. 286 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,720 BLOOMER: Right! 287 00:17:43,755 --> 00:17:47,230 Get outside on the double! Move yourselves! Move yourselves! 288 00:17:47,265 --> 00:17:49,276 Get the lead out of your pants! 289 00:17:49,311 --> 00:17:50,839 Knickers, Tiger. Knickers. 290 00:17:50,874 --> 00:17:52,318 What? 291 00:17:52,353 --> 00:17:53,838 Ladies wear knickers. 292 00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:57,509 Pants or knickers, shift your ar... 293 00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,362 What's inside 'em. 294 00:17:59,397 --> 00:18:03,359 Now, look... 20 years I've worn this crown on my sleeve. 296 00:18:05,590 --> 00:18:08,990 You wouldn't like to be the cause of me losing it, would you? 297 00:18:09,025 --> 00:18:11,594 I mean, after all that... serving... 298 00:18:11,629 --> 00:18:14,240 of King and country. 299 00:18:14,275 --> 00:18:17,197 Oh, Tiger... 300 00:18:17,232 --> 00:18:22,348 You all heard what the sergeant major said! All out! Or I'll break you in two. 301 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,631 BLOOMER: In two lines. Move yourselves. Move yourselves! 302 00:18:31,666 --> 00:18:33,233 Come on! Come on! Come on! 303 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,683 Now, you dozy lot, 304 00:18:42,718 --> 00:18:47,191 when I say "man the gun", I want you to double off to the emplacement. 305 00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:49,999 Now, man the gun! 307 00:18:57,716 --> 00:19:00,757 Oh, for heaven's sake. All right. Woman the gun as well. 308 00:19:00,792 --> 00:19:06,079 BLOOMER: Come on, you Brownies! Let's have you! Knees up, knees up, knees up! 310 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,319 Load! 311 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,555 - Sergeant Major! - Hah! 312 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,196 What the blue-blank-blazes is that? 313 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:24,936 It's a gun, sir. 314 00:19:24,971 --> 00:19:26,632 It's made of wood. 315 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,278 It's not a real gun yet, sir. 316 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,799 A gun emplacement without a real gun? 317 00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:35,388 With respect, sir. Remember there's a war on. 318 00:19:35,423 --> 00:19:37,401 Real guns is hard to come by. 319 00:19:37,436 --> 00:19:40,193 Permission to carry on with the gun drill. Fire! 320 00:19:40,228 --> 00:19:41,554 Bang! 321 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,594 What the devil's going on now? 322 00:19:45,629 --> 00:19:48,154 We're dead, sir. A round exploded in the breach. 323 00:19:48,189 --> 00:19:50,708 It's the ammunition we're being sent. 325 00:19:52,552 --> 00:19:54,561 - Anything wrong, sir? 326 00:19:54,596 --> 00:19:58,719 - You've gone white. - It's that damn button. 327 00:19:58,754 --> 00:20:01,120 Are you taken short, sir? 328 00:20:01,155 --> 00:20:04,471 Keep your voice down, Sergeant Major. 330 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,314 You just carry on doing whatever it is you're doing. 331 00:20:10,349 --> 00:20:13,434 - No.2 detachment, take post! 332 00:20:13,469 --> 00:20:18,236 (Melly farts continuously) BLOOMER: Go to bearing 90-2E-20! 334 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,714 BLOOMER: Halt! 335 00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:32,549 Now, this time, just for me, let us get it right! 336 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,195 Parade... dis-miss! 337 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,473 That was lovely. Good. Thank you very much. 338 00:20:42,508 --> 00:20:44,516 Get out of my sight! 339 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:49,075 That includes you, Ffoukes Sharpe! Look sharp! 340 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,431 Silly boy. 341 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:00,915 Aarrghh! 342 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,269 You may not frighten the enemy, Sergeant Major, 343 00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:07,168 but, by heaven, you certainly frighten me. 344 00:21:07,203 --> 00:21:10,032 It's not my fault, sir. That was hers. 345 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:15,993 - It was entirely hers, sir. - What are you talking about? Whose fault? 346 00:21:16,028 --> 00:21:18,548 Oh, Tiger. 347 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:26,316 Private Ffoukes Sharpe, sir... is after me. 348 00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:27,593 After you? What for? 349 00:21:27,628 --> 00:21:31,349 - She has designs on me, sir. - Get this bloody thing off me! 350 00:21:31,384 --> 00:21:32,349 Sir! 351 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:37,830 - Oh, I sees your predicament, sir. - And I feel it. Get it off! 352 00:21:37,865 --> 00:21:39,876 Steady, sir. Resist me. 353 00:21:39,911 --> 00:21:42,883 Resist me, sir. 354 00:21:42,918 --> 00:21:44,558 You is not resisting. 355 00:21:44,593 --> 00:21:46,914 Pulling out. 356 00:21:46,949 --> 00:21:49,473 Sergeant Major, we're getting nowhere fast. 357 00:21:49,508 --> 00:21:53,036 Perhaps you should er... clench your cheeks, sir. 358 00:21:53,071 --> 00:21:55,031 They are clenched. 359 00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,156 That is true, sir. Forward march. 360 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,764 Right. Clench the table, sir. 361 00:22:02,799 --> 00:22:05,838 Now, grit your teeth and we will have it off in a minute. 362 00:22:05,873 --> 00:22:08,275 A bit of leverage. 363 00:22:08,310 --> 00:22:09,270 Aaaaahh! 364 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,038 Brace yourself, sir. 365 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:15,075 Is it off? 366 00:22:15,110 --> 00:22:17,191 - Can't you feel the difference, sir? - No. 367 00:22:17,226 --> 00:22:19,236 It must be your bum is numb. 368 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,236 Permission to un-numb bum, sir. 369 00:22:22,271 --> 00:22:24,276 Get on with it! 370 00:22:24,311 --> 00:22:25,599 Aarrghh! 371 00:22:25,634 --> 00:22:29,030 That will soon bring the blood back to your cheeks, sir. 372 00:22:29,065 --> 00:22:31,758 Cruel to be kind, sir. Cruel to be kind. 373 00:22:31,793 --> 00:22:34,313 If you're going to talk about being cruel to be kind, 374 00:22:34,348 --> 00:22:37,989 you may as well know, that as far as that shower outside is concerned, 375 00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:40,036 that I intend to be cruel to be cruel! 376 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,594 - I is very worried, sir. - You is very worried. 377 00:22:46,629 --> 00:22:50,952 - I is worried about you, sir. - Thank you, Sergeant Major. Very decent. 378 00:22:50,987 --> 00:22:53,997 I think you is going to cause trouble and they will not like it. 379 00:22:54,032 --> 00:22:58,079 The likes and dislikes of the men under my command are neither here nor there! 380 00:22:58,114 --> 00:23:01,630 Sir, if you does not know the difference between here nor there, 381 00:23:01,665 --> 00:23:04,473 you does not know the difference between men and women. 382 00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:06,516 Some of the men in this camp is women. 383 00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:09,477 They are all men to me. 384 00:23:09,512 --> 00:23:12,398 Oooh, I wish they was, sir. I wish they was. 385 00:23:12,433 --> 00:23:14,953 I'd have them saluting till their arms dropped off. 386 00:23:14,988 --> 00:23:19,517 I'd run them till their legs dropped off and I'd rant and roar till their ears dropped off! 387 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:27,118 As from tomorrow, I intend to start a series of what I call my agony parades. 388 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:32,638 In that case, sir, tomorrow morning, the only parade you is likely to see is sick parade. 390 00:23:36,120 --> 00:23:38,315 - Right. Who's first? - A-a-a-a-a! 391 00:23:38,350 --> 00:23:41,000 - What do you think these are, Nurse? - Come on, then. 392 00:23:41,035 --> 00:23:43,001 Oh! Oh, Nurse. 393 00:23:43,036 --> 00:23:45,270 Oh, Nurse. I need assistance. 394 00:23:45,305 --> 00:23:48,318 Oooh! Oh. Oh! 395 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,680 All right. Drop your trousers. 396 00:23:52,715 --> 00:23:55,962 But, sir, it's my ears, my nose, my throat... 397 00:23:55,997 --> 00:23:59,993 - My throat and my knees. My feet... oooohh! - I'll be the judge of that. Drop 'em. 398 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,840 Nurse, two aspirins, please. 399 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,430 Right. Next! 400 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,559 Here, Shaw. What did he say to you? 401 00:24:31,594 --> 00:24:35,320 He said, "Drop your trousers," had a look and gave me two aspirins. 402 00:24:35,355 --> 00:24:39,877 What sort of a doctor's he? Here we are pretending we've got different complaints... 403 00:24:39,912 --> 00:24:42,211 Hey, Shorthouse, what did he say to you? 404 00:24:42,246 --> 00:24:44,475 He said, "Drop your trousers," had a look... 405 00:24:44,510 --> 00:24:47,751 - And he gave you two aspirins. - No, he gave me half an aspirin. 406 00:24:47,786 --> 00:24:50,479 - All right, drop your trousers. - Aaaerrhhee! 407 00:24:50,514 --> 00:24:53,279 I was... (Stammers incoherently) 408 00:24:53,314 --> 00:24:55,361 Haabbeeerrr! 409 00:24:55,396 --> 00:24:58,358 Have you noticed anything strange about me, sir? 410 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:02,318 Yes, you haven't dropped your trousers. Two aspirins, Nurse. 411 00:25:02,353 --> 00:25:04,321 Yes. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. 412 00:25:04,356 --> 00:25:07,910 Hey, he told me to drop my trousers and he gave me two of these... 413 00:25:07,945 --> 00:25:09,956 aschooo... sprins! 414 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,070 All right. Drop 'em. 415 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,159 Nurse, two aspirins, please. 416 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,274 - Where are they? - They is all sick, sir. 417 00:25:26,309 --> 00:25:28,789 - All of them? - I told sir so, did not I, sir? 418 00:25:28,824 --> 00:25:30,597 Hee-hee hee-hee! 419 00:25:30,632 --> 00:25:33,473 Well, never mind. I've had a word with the MO. 420 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,915 Those are my orders. 421 00:25:40,950 --> 00:25:44,077 Right, Sergeant Major. Let them know that we're here. 422 00:25:44,112 --> 00:25:47,630 13-13 Battery, get on parade! 423 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,875 I want you to run them into the ground. 424 00:25:50,910 --> 00:25:52,881 What about the females, sir? 425 00:25:52,916 --> 00:25:55,673 As far as I'm concerned, this is a unit. One piece. 426 00:25:55,708 --> 00:25:57,875 My duty is to make it an efficient unit. 427 00:25:57,910 --> 00:26:01,231 I am unaware of males or females. To me, they're all alike. 428 00:26:01,266 --> 00:26:03,959 They are the same. Right, Sergeant Major? 429 00:26:03,994 --> 00:26:06,432 Give 'em hell. 430 00:26:06,467 --> 00:26:08,870 Ah-haaah! Come on! 431 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,718 BLOOMER: That is not the way! 432 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:18,521 That is not the way. When one of your comrades is a short arse, 433 00:26:18,556 --> 00:26:23,509 like Shorthouse here, a taller man climbs up on him. Down, Shorthouse. 434 00:26:23,544 --> 00:26:26,876 - But, Sergeant Major. - Do not "but, Sergeant Major" me! 435 00:26:26,911 --> 00:26:28,734 Get down. Watch me. 436 00:26:28,769 --> 00:26:30,558 Right. Steady. Up! 437 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,556 Give me your hand! 438 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,322 Now, pay attention. 439 00:26:42,357 --> 00:26:44,454 You cannot go under the wire. 440 00:26:44,489 --> 00:26:46,517 You has to go over the wire, 441 00:26:46,552 --> 00:26:50,838 which means that one of you has to lie on top of the wire 442 00:26:50,873 --> 00:26:53,195 and let the rest of them walk over him. 443 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,196 Right. One volunteer. 444 00:26:56,231 --> 00:26:58,153 - You! - Me? 445 00:26:58,188 --> 00:27:00,076 Move yourself! 446 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,439 That is not the way. That is not the way! Fall out. 447 00:27:04,474 --> 00:27:05,440 Move yourself! 448 00:27:05,475 --> 00:27:07,516 Watch me. Watch me. Haarrgghh! 449 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:09,400 Charge! 450 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,596 Next. 451 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:23,909 No, no, no, no, no! That is not the way. 452 00:27:23,944 --> 00:27:25,921 You must not stop to think. 453 00:27:25,956 --> 00:27:30,591 - Are you sure this rope's safe, Sergeant Major? - Safe? Of course it's safe. Watch me. 455 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,241 Well done, Sergeant Major. 456 00:27:38,276 --> 00:27:40,590 Fingers of steel, boy. Fingers of steel. 457 00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:43,080 Right. 458 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,356 Right, Gunner. Your turn now. 460 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,596 Drown the lot of you. 461 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:00,761 Sergeant Major... 462 00:28:00,796 --> 00:28:03,075 - Yes, ungrateful... 463 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:09,636 Come on, Sergeant Major. Wake up. 464 00:28:09,671 --> 00:28:11,641 On your feet... 465 00:28:11,676 --> 00:28:14,034 I'm talking to you, Sergeant Major! 466 00:28:14,069 --> 00:28:17,197 - Sergeant Major! - What are you up to, boy? 467 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:21,312 - Come on! - Serge... Sergeant Major! 468 00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:24,476 - Oh, it's you, sir. - God! 469 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,441 Have you gone mad, Sergeant Major? 470 00:28:27,476 --> 00:28:29,915 You sort of walked into my nightmare, sir. 471 00:28:29,950 --> 00:28:32,354 I thought you were short arse, sir. I'm sorry. 472 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:35,516 And so you damn well should be, man. 473 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:39,035 - You dropped your hat, sir. - Where is it? 474 00:28:39,070 --> 00:28:41,041 Right, Sergeant Major. 475 00:28:41,076 --> 00:28:45,790 Sergeant Major, now you're on your feet, I'm going to blast their blasted evening. 476 00:28:45,825 --> 00:28:49,270 - What have you got in mind, sir? - A surprise kit inspection. 477 00:28:49,305 --> 00:28:51,316 Men's hut first. 479 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,990 - Get those pants down. - Not bloody likely. 481 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:17,519 - Having a musical soiree, are they? - Sounds more like a tango, sir. 482 00:29:17,554 --> 00:29:19,556 Oh, come on, Sergeant Major. 483 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:22,811 Aarrghh! 484 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,637 Enemy approaching. 485 00:29:27,672 --> 00:29:29,754 Operation Scarper! 486 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:37,638 You is covered in shh... something distasteful. 487 00:29:37,673 --> 00:29:40,911 - I'm aware of that. - Are you going to change or what, sir? 488 00:29:40,946 --> 00:29:42,956 I mean, there's... a bit of a pong. 489 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:47,436 Sergeant Major, when I start something, I go through with it, 490 00:29:47,471 --> 00:29:49,493 come hell and high water! 491 00:29:49,528 --> 00:29:51,516 And whatever this is. 492 00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:54,673 Tell them I'm here! 493 00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:02,709 Commanding officer! 494 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,395 Your nostrils, Sergeant. 495 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:27,817 My nostrils, sir? 496 00:30:27,852 --> 00:30:29,880 They're twitching. 497 00:30:29,915 --> 00:30:34,039 It's like, suddenly, there's a funny sort of smell come into the hut, sir. 498 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,355 Why do you think that is, Sergeant? 499 00:30:38,390 --> 00:30:40,965 Well, it's like suddenly... 500 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,310 someone's come in who's covered with sh... 501 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:47,999 Ooh, something nasty, sir. 502 00:30:48,034 --> 00:30:50,036 Yes, someone is. 503 00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:52,109 Me! 504 00:30:57,320 --> 00:30:59,276 Now, Sergeant... 505 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:03,229 ...how do you suppose that occurred? 506 00:31:03,264 --> 00:31:04,229 I... 507 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,441 I can't say, sir. 508 00:31:07,476 --> 00:31:09,915 - I can. Trip wire. - A trip wire, sir? 509 00:31:09,950 --> 00:31:13,356 It tripped me right in it. 510 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:18,634 - Right into the? - Yes. 512 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:23,628 How do you suppose... 513 00:31:23,663 --> 00:31:25,755 it got there? 514 00:31:25,790 --> 00:31:27,801 What, you mean the er? 515 00:31:27,836 --> 00:31:32,596 - You know the officer means the trip wire! - I'm doing the talking, Sergeant Major. 516 00:31:32,631 --> 00:31:34,636 Well? 517 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,356 Well... 518 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:46,316 Well, sir, that... that is a trap for Nazi paratroopers, sir. 519 00:31:46,351 --> 00:31:48,276 Am I a Nazi paratrooper? 520 00:31:48,311 --> 00:31:50,550 No! No, sir. You're one of us. 521 00:31:50,585 --> 00:31:52,516 I think. 522 00:31:52,551 --> 00:31:54,038 Explain yourself, Sergeant. 523 00:31:54,073 --> 00:31:59,918 Well, sir, in this hut, we are usually otherwise engaged. 524 00:32:00,953 --> 00:32:03,115 You know, kipping and things like that. 525 00:32:03,150 --> 00:32:07,836 And... well, we thought some sort of early warning system was necessary. 526 00:32:07,871 --> 00:32:10,814 I mean, you can't trust that Hitler, can you, sir? 527 00:32:10,849 --> 00:32:13,722 And this unit prides itself on being ever ready. 528 00:32:13,757 --> 00:32:16,718 - Yes, Sergeant? - Bombardier Ready, I wasn't talking to you. 529 00:32:16,753 --> 00:32:20,031 I am addressing the commanding officer. 530 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:24,954 What is that man doing sitting at attention on that man's shoulders? 531 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,877 Well, sir. That's presence of an officer, sir. 532 00:32:28,912 --> 00:32:33,437 - But why sitting on someone's shoulders? - Sir, Shorthouse has a fine head of hair. 533 00:32:33,472 --> 00:32:37,752 We use him to keep the cobwebs down. Ready, give the officer a demonstration. 534 00:32:37,787 --> 00:32:39,990 My head! Ow, my head! He's banging it! 535 00:32:40,025 --> 00:32:43,072 Careful! You're banging my... Ow! 536 00:32:43,107 --> 00:32:45,480 READY: You're off balance! 537 00:32:45,515 --> 00:32:47,989 Enough of that. Enough of that! Get down, that man! 538 00:32:48,024 --> 00:32:49,364 - Sergeant Major. - Hargh! 539 00:32:49,399 --> 00:32:52,677 Stand by your beds! This is an inspection! Move yourselves! 540 00:32:52,712 --> 00:32:54,363 Come on! At the double! 541 00:32:54,398 --> 00:32:57,084 Get properly dressed! Do yourself up, lad! 542 00:32:57,119 --> 00:33:00,829 Do your flies up, that man! Your brains is catching cold. 543 00:33:00,864 --> 00:33:03,195 Lay it out! Lay it out! 544 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,389 Hang properly to attention, that man! 545 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:16,674 - You call that laying it out? - Give us a minute, Sergeant Major. 546 00:33:16,709 --> 00:33:20,391 Never mind that, Sergeant Major. What the devil is this? 547 00:33:20,426 --> 00:33:24,073 Ah. Yes, sir. You see, those, sir, are ear muffs, sir. 548 00:33:24,108 --> 00:33:26,310 A trophy of war, that is, sir. 549 00:33:26,345 --> 00:33:28,435 Ear muffs? Trophy of war? 550 00:33:28,470 --> 00:33:32,792 Captured from one of them German ATS during the retreat from Dunkirk, sir. 551 00:33:32,827 --> 00:33:35,075 It says Made in England. 552 00:33:35,110 --> 00:33:36,194 Atishoo! 553 00:33:36,229 --> 00:33:38,241 Who's that sneezing up in the loft? 554 00:33:38,276 --> 00:33:42,273 - Him, sir. - It couldn't have been. I've seen you talking. 555 00:33:42,308 --> 00:33:46,270 - Yeah. - He was talking and then... then he sneezed, sir. 556 00:33:46,305 --> 00:33:48,281 I didn't see him. 557 00:33:48,316 --> 00:33:52,157 No, sir. I would never sneeze in the presence of an officer. 558 00:33:52,192 --> 00:33:55,999 So, he sort of... He threw his sneeze up... up into the loft. 559 00:33:56,034 --> 00:33:59,162 - Didn't you, Ready? - Yes, Sergeant. 560 00:33:59,197 --> 00:34:02,272 - Are you a ventriloquist? - Oh, no, sir. Church of England. 561 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,315 Do you pursue the ventriloquial art? 562 00:34:06,350 --> 00:34:09,398 - In an amateurish sort of way, yes, sir. - Do it again. 563 00:34:09,433 --> 00:34:11,322 Er... again. 564 00:34:11,357 --> 00:34:13,839 You mean, you want me to... 565 00:34:13,874 --> 00:34:17,635 throw my voice and sneeze up in the loft again? 566 00:34:17,670 --> 00:34:19,641 - Sir! - Yes. 567 00:34:19,676 --> 00:34:21,716 - Atishoo! - I saw your lips move! 568 00:34:21,751 --> 00:34:23,721 - I didn't. - I did distinctly. 569 00:34:23,756 --> 00:34:27,116 I should give it up, if I were you. You're not very good at it. 570 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:30,720 The state of this hut's not very good either. 571 00:34:30,755 --> 00:34:32,358 In fact, it's horrible. 572 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:40,035 In the time it takes me to shower, you shower will clean this place up. 573 00:34:40,070 --> 00:34:44,392 I want this floor polished from wall to wall. Under the beds. Round the stove. 574 00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:47,516 Polish it everywhere! 575 00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:51,677 I want it so that I can see my face in it. 576 00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:58,069 You heard what the officer said! Get on with it! 577 00:34:58,104 --> 00:35:01,232 No. No. No. Something has got to be done. 578 00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:05,035 - I know what he wants. - What does he want? 579 00:35:05,070 --> 00:35:07,270 He wants us to polish the floor, sarge. 580 00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:20,277 Phoooorrr! 581 00:35:20,312 --> 00:35:22,356 He's in it again. 582 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:32,393 You... 583 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,872 You... you... aarrgghhhhh! 584 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:47,400 What has happened? 585 00:35:47,435 --> 00:35:51,798 He went through so fast, I think he might have been taken short again. 586 00:35:51,833 --> 00:35:54,314 Yes. A nasty friction burn you've got there. 587 00:35:54,349 --> 00:35:56,515 What have you been doing? Arsing about? 588 00:35:56,550 --> 00:35:59,642 A drop of calamine will soon get to the bottom of this one. 589 00:35:59,677 --> 00:36:02,876 - I will cancel the route march, sir. - You'll do no such thing! 590 00:36:02,911 --> 00:36:07,197 - No choice, sir. Your uniforms is at the cleaners. - I know that. Arrghh! 591 00:36:07,232 --> 00:36:11,438 You cannot go on a route march in your underpants and with a burnt bum to boot. 592 00:36:11,473 --> 00:36:15,434 Get me a battledress, Sergeant Major, from battalion stores, you fool. 593 00:36:15,469 --> 00:36:19,395 I've already rung the stores and there's nothing in your size, sir. 594 00:36:19,430 --> 00:36:21,401 This is a bit near the ground, Melly. 595 00:36:21,436 --> 00:36:24,876 Get me a battledress, Sergeant Major. I don't care how, but get it! 596 00:36:24,911 --> 00:36:26,154 Sir. 597 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,711 What does he expect me to do? Knit him one? The short arse... 598 00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:39,394 That's it. Short arse. 599 00:36:39,429 --> 00:36:42,193 Little Gunner Shorthouse. Hee-hee hee-hee! 600 00:36:42,228 --> 00:36:44,870 My best battledress, Sergeant Major? 601 00:36:44,905 --> 00:36:47,478 Do not bandy words with me, lovely boy. 602 00:36:47,513 --> 00:36:50,478 Or I will raise my right leg six inches from the ground, 603 00:36:50,513 --> 00:36:53,455 place my No.10 firmly on the top of your head, 604 00:36:53,490 --> 00:36:56,397 and press you straight through the floorboards! 605 00:36:56,432 --> 00:36:57,434 Nice. 606 00:36:57,469 --> 00:37:00,711 Best walking-out battledress, short arse, please. 607 00:37:00,746 --> 00:37:03,954 What if he wants to go walking out, Sergeant Major? 608 00:37:03,989 --> 00:37:06,110 Then he will just have to stay in! 609 00:37:06,145 --> 00:37:08,121 Oh, flippin' heck. 610 00:37:08,156 --> 00:37:13,553 Only one man round here allowed to use bad language, Gunner, and you is looking at him. 611 00:37:13,588 --> 00:37:15,995 Get it out, lovely boy. Get it out. 612 00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:20,669 - Pardon? - The battledress. Get it out! 613 00:37:20,704 --> 00:37:22,716 Sergeant Major. 614 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:37,873 I do not know about walking out in it. It looks like you've been sleeping out in it. 615 00:37:37,908 --> 00:37:40,474 Press it like it's never been worn, stick three pips on, 616 00:37:40,509 --> 00:37:43,597 bring it over the battery office in ten min-u-ets! 617 00:37:43,632 --> 00:37:47,395 By the way, the whole of the mixed section will parade at 0900 hours. 618 00:37:47,430 --> 00:37:49,401 You is going walkies. 619 00:37:49,436 --> 00:37:52,796 OFFICERS: Walkies? - A route march! Hee-hee hee-hee. 620 00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:58,796 I is looking forward to seeing you off on them 12 foot-blistering miles. 621 00:37:58,831 --> 00:38:03,752 I cannot wait to wish you luck, as you wave me goodbye. Hee-hee hee-hee. 622 00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:07,243 12 miles! 623 00:38:07,278 --> 00:38:10,830 So you see, Tilly, I wanted to ask your advice. 624 00:38:10,865 --> 00:38:13,559 I mean, you being a woman and all that. 625 00:38:13,594 --> 00:38:15,561 - Oh, so you've noticed. - Yes. 626 00:38:15,596 --> 00:38:17,750 - A couple of times. - Not now, Leonard. 627 00:38:17,785 --> 00:38:19,831 We're on duty. 628 00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:25,116 You see, the little perisher is going to wear this on the march. 629 00:38:25,151 --> 00:38:27,121 - Him? - No, no. Not him. Him. 630 00:38:27,156 --> 00:38:30,959 - Captain flippin' S Melly. - Oh, Smelly himself. 631 00:38:30,994 --> 00:38:36,029 So, with all your knowledge of erm... sewing and that, 632 00:38:36,064 --> 00:38:39,609 what can we do to sabotage Shorty's walking-outs? 633 00:38:39,644 --> 00:38:43,120 I don't want anybody sabotaging my walking-out. 634 00:38:43,155 --> 00:38:47,552 A- a-a-a-a! It's either your walking-outs or our feet. 635 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:52,075 Well, Till? 636 00:38:54,240 --> 00:38:56,196 I don't know. 637 00:38:57,240 --> 00:38:59,161 I just don't know. 638 00:38:59,196 --> 00:39:04,308 - Built to withstand all the rigours of wars, these. - But what are we going to do? 639 00:39:04,343 --> 00:39:06,356 Wait a minute... 640 00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:09,358 I'm waiting. 641 00:39:09,393 --> 00:39:11,282 Anti-gas bleach. 642 00:39:11,317 --> 00:39:14,073 - Anti-gas bleach. - Anti-gas bleach? 643 00:39:14,108 --> 00:39:16,190 Oh, Leonard. Get me some. 644 00:39:16,225 --> 00:39:18,273 Ready, get me some. 645 00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,673 - Have you got a match? - Yeah. Your... 646 00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:36,954 This'll make him hop a bit. 648 00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:50,518 Parade! 649 00:39:50,553 --> 00:39:52,316 Right heel! 651 00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:05,040 Parade, ready for route march, sir! 652 00:40:05,075 --> 00:40:07,076 Thank you, Sergeant Major. 653 00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:19,958 Mixed section, move to the left in column abrupt! 654 00:40:19,993 --> 00:40:21,996 Left turn! 655 00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:31,677 By the left, quick march! 656 00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:38,669 Mixed section, halt! 658 00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:46,951 What the devil do you think you're doing, Sergeant Major? 659 00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:49,873 Seeing you off, sir. Somebody has to hold the fort. 660 00:40:49,908 --> 00:40:52,554 A fort with only a wooden gun... 661 00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:55,840 ...doesn't need holding. Fall in at the rear. 662 00:40:55,875 --> 00:40:59,191 With respect, sir. I cannot do route marches with my feet. 663 00:40:59,226 --> 00:41:01,874 Well, you certainly can't do one without them. 664 00:41:01,909 --> 00:41:04,032 Hee-hee hee-hee. 665 00:41:04,067 --> 00:41:06,156 - Fall in. - Sir! 667 00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:15,156 Mixed section and Sergeant Major... 668 00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:19,276 ...quick march! 671 00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:58,315 You seems to have come apart at the seams, sir. 672 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,713 Mixed section, halt! 674 00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:23,156 Left turn! 675 00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:10,875 - Sergeant Major! - Sir! 676 00:43:10,910 --> 00:43:13,274 - Put them all on a charge... - Hah! 677 00:43:13,309 --> 00:43:17,109 - Every man, jack and woman of 'em! - Sir! 678 00:43:17,144 --> 00:43:20,556 You is all on a charge! 679 00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:23,916 Er, what is the charge, sir? 680 00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:27,798 Laughing... 681 00:43:27,833 --> 00:43:29,796 on duty! 682 00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:50,076 Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Left! 683 00:43:50,111 --> 00:43:52,116 Defaulters, halt! 684 00:43:52,151 --> 00:43:53,428 Hats off! 685 00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:57,838 - March them in, Sergeant Major. - One at a time, sir? 686 00:43:57,873 --> 00:44:02,031 They're all on the same charge. I'll see them all together. 687 00:44:02,066 --> 00:44:06,189 Sir! Defaulters, opposite sex first. Single file. Double march! 688 00:44:06,224 --> 00:44:08,714 Left, right! Left, right! Move yourselves! 689 00:44:08,749 --> 00:44:11,325 Left, right! Left, right! Mark time! 690 00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:15,149 Left, right. Left, right. Move yourselves! Left, right! Left, right! 691 00:44:15,184 --> 00:44:17,231 Halt! 692 00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:20,078 Where are you, sir? 693 00:44:22,080 --> 00:44:25,550 Over here, Sergeant Major. 694 00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:29,473 Can't see you, sir. Raise your hand, sir. 695 00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:35,116 Will you kindly remove your? 696 00:44:35,151 --> 00:44:37,201 I can't. I'm squashed. 697 00:44:37,236 --> 00:44:40,073 Take a deep breath, Ffoukes... Ffoukes Sharpe. 698 00:44:42,760 --> 00:44:47,845 Oh, never mind where I am, Sergeant Major. Read the charge. 699 00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:52,336 Hargh! Defaulters did, whilst on duty, indulge in unauthorised laughter 700 00:44:52,371 --> 00:44:56,793 in contravention of King's regulations and War Office instructions, sir. 702 00:44:59,189 --> 00:45:03,114 I'm sorry, sir. We couldn't er... We couldn't quite catch that. 703 00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:07,761 Will you kindly remove those things from my? 704 00:45:07,796 --> 00:45:10,917 I said you're all confined to camp for two weeks. 705 00:45:10,952 --> 00:45:13,719 Carry on, Sergeant Major! 706 00:45:13,754 --> 00:45:16,962 Sir! About turn! 707 00:45:16,997 --> 00:45:21,358 Double march! Left, right! Left, right! Move yourselves! Move yourselves! 708 00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:33,314 Sergeant Major. Shut the door. 709 00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:42,556 That'll teach 'em. 710 00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:45,521 What are you shaking your head for? 711 00:45:45,556 --> 00:45:48,871 - They will not mind being confined to camp, sir. - Nonsense. 712 00:45:48,906 --> 00:45:51,349 Every soldier minds being confined to camp. 713 00:45:51,384 --> 00:45:53,889 Not when half of 'em is women, sir. 714 00:45:53,924 --> 00:45:56,394 - They is happy here. - Happy? 715 00:45:57,320 --> 00:46:01,915 It has always been my proud boast, sir, in all my time as a sergeant major, 716 00:46:01,950 --> 00:46:06,511 in all my camps there has never been a single sign of happiness... till now. 717 00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:11,241 Why, man? Why? 718 00:46:11,276 --> 00:46:15,672 - This lot have got everything they want here, sir. - Such as? 719 00:46:15,707 --> 00:46:19,150 A bit of this. A bit of that. A lot of that, actually. 720 00:46:19,185 --> 00:46:20,877 A lot of what? 721 00:46:20,912 --> 00:46:23,958 You know, sir. That. 722 00:46:25,640 --> 00:46:28,358 Surely you don't mean a bit of the other? 723 00:46:28,393 --> 00:46:31,253 This, that, or the other, sir. They is at it all the time. 724 00:46:31,288 --> 00:46:34,113 In and out of each other's quarters like fiddlers' elbows. 725 00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:40,432 Are they indeed? That is something to which I'm going to put a bloody stop! 726 00:46:40,467 --> 00:46:44,877 With respect, sir. We cannot stop them without staying up all night. 727 00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:48,428 That will not be necessary, Sergeant Major. 728 00:46:48,463 --> 00:46:49,428 Sir? 729 00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:52,441 We will build a chastity fence. 730 00:46:52,476 --> 00:46:55,438 - A what, sir? - A sort of a big belt. 731 00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:57,520 Oooh! 732 00:46:57,555 --> 00:46:59,710 Made of barbed wire. 733 00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:04,116 Cor! That sounds a bit uncomfortable, sir. 734 00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:08,815 Too-wit! 735 00:47:08,850 --> 00:47:10,431 Too-hoo! 736 00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:14,754 - Last one, Sergeant Major. 737 00:47:14,789 --> 00:47:18,236 Steady, man. You caught me right in the... field dressing. 738 00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:20,793 MELLY: Lift. 739 00:47:35,440 --> 00:47:38,512 I think congratulations are in order, Sergeant Major. 740 00:47:38,547 --> 00:47:41,477 - Thank you, sir. - Not you, you fool. Me. 741 00:47:41,512 --> 00:47:44,831 - Come along. Let's get back. - There's gratitude for you. 742 00:47:44,866 --> 00:47:45,831 Sir. 743 00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:58,278 - Private Easy? - Yes, Sergeant? 744 00:47:58,313 --> 00:48:00,676 Make the signal to Sergeant Able. 745 00:48:00,711 --> 00:48:02,681 Code or plain language? 746 00:48:02,716 --> 00:48:04,756 - Plain language. - Right away. 747 00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:24,515 - Ready? - Sergeant? 748 00:48:24,550 --> 00:48:27,677 Make to Sergeant Willing, message received... 749 00:48:27,712 --> 00:48:29,716 and understood. 751 00:48:31,666 --> 00:48:33,512 Sergeant. 752 00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:40,994 Alice, I don't think I can hold this pose much longer. 753 00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:44,396 - I'll get cramp. - Really? 754 00:48:44,431 --> 00:48:46,753 Oh, Leonard. What's keeping you? 755 00:48:46,788 --> 00:48:48,761 Oooh! 756 00:48:48,796 --> 00:48:50,801 I told you so, Sergeant. 757 00:48:50,836 --> 00:48:53,229 - It's not only barbed wire, it's rusty. - Rusty? 758 00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:55,003 I'll get blood poisoning on my hooter! 759 00:48:55,038 --> 00:48:57,440 - Shut up about your hooter! - It's the only one I got. 760 00:48:57,475 --> 00:49:02,509 - You don't think the girls have gone off us? - It's got nothing to do with the girls. 761 00:49:02,544 --> 00:49:05,637 This is a right load of old Smelly. 762 00:49:05,672 --> 00:49:07,277 Smelly? Doowarrgghpree! 763 00:49:07,312 --> 00:49:09,709 - Stop doing that. - He can't do that to us. 764 00:49:09,744 --> 00:49:12,040 - He's done it. - But it's inhuman. 765 00:49:12,075 --> 00:49:14,833 - He ain't human. - He ain't going to get away with it. 766 00:49:14,868 --> 00:49:17,354 - Double back and fetch a tin hat. - What for? 767 00:49:17,389 --> 00:49:19,272 - Do as I told you. - But... 768 00:49:19,307 --> 00:49:21,308 - Scarper! - Yes, Sergeant. 769 00:49:21,343 --> 00:49:23,275 Right. Here. Now, listen... 770 00:49:23,310 --> 00:49:26,073 You all know the drill for this sort of operation. 771 00:49:26,108 --> 00:49:30,073 I am asking for a volunteer. 772 00:49:31,160 --> 00:49:33,116 Right, sarge. 773 00:49:35,240 --> 00:49:37,238 Well done, son. 774 00:49:37,273 --> 00:49:39,201 Congratulations. 775 00:49:39,236 --> 00:49:41,241 Thank you very much, sarge. 776 00:49:41,276 --> 00:49:43,555 - What for? - You have just volunteered. 777 00:49:43,590 --> 00:49:46,353 - Have I? - Put your helmet on, cover yourself up. 778 00:49:46,388 --> 00:49:48,680 No, not on your head. Cover your er... 779 00:49:48,715 --> 00:49:52,076 - I don't understand. What do you mean? - Show him, will you? 780 00:49:52,111 --> 00:49:53,843 - Ooh! - Just hold it right there. 781 00:49:53,878 --> 00:49:56,094 - What for? - So you don't do yourself an injury 782 00:49:56,129 --> 00:49:58,275 - when you lays down across the wire. - What? 783 00:49:58,310 --> 00:50:03,269 - Shh! Come on, lads. The girls is getting cold. - No! No, Sergeant. 784 00:50:03,304 --> 00:50:05,680 - I'll do anything. Not on the wire. - Shh! 785 00:50:05,715 --> 00:50:08,951 READY: Don't throw me on the wire! ALL: One... two... three... 786 00:50:08,986 --> 00:50:10,996 Aarrghh! 787 00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:14,918 Cor blimey, Ready. 788 00:50:14,953 --> 00:50:16,954 What have you done? 790 00:50:19,329 --> 00:50:21,600 Ooh, ahh! My neck! 791 00:50:23,400 --> 00:50:27,154 Keep your hand on your helmet, otherwise you'll be ruined for life. 792 00:50:27,189 --> 00:50:29,212 Here we go. 793 00:50:29,247 --> 00:50:31,236 Careful, lads. 794 00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:38,776 Wake up. 795 00:50:38,811 --> 00:50:40,597 Wake up! 796 00:50:40,632 --> 00:50:42,641 How are you feeling, son? 797 00:50:42,676 --> 00:50:46,833 Just as though those explosions are reverberating all through my body. 798 00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:50,189 Just so long as your helmet's not damaged. 799 00:50:50,224 --> 00:50:53,352 - Ooooh! - There. 800 00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:58,718 Yeah. And I thought he was just a little basket. 801 00:50:58,753 --> 00:51:01,519 Well, what is he, then, sarge? 802 00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:04,550 A cunning little basket. 805 00:51:21,240 --> 00:51:24,019 - Morning, sir. - Good morning, Sergeant Major. 806 00:51:24,054 --> 00:51:26,883 You requested my presence at this early hour, sir. 807 00:51:26,918 --> 00:51:29,678 Yes. I did indeed. Why? Did I interrupt your sleep? 808 00:51:29,713 --> 00:51:32,872 - It doesn't worry me, sir. - I should think not, indeed. 809 00:51:32,907 --> 00:51:36,248 Well, now, it's coming up to the hour. Five... 810 00:51:36,283 --> 00:51:39,590 four, three, two, one. Sound the reveille. 811 00:51:39,625 --> 00:51:42,284 - Reveille? - Yes. The wakey-wakey. 812 00:51:42,319 --> 00:51:45,357 Get up and win the war. When I'm on my feet, everyone is. 813 00:51:45,392 --> 00:51:50,156 Beg pardon, sir, but I's found you gets more out of this shower 814 00:51:50,191 --> 00:51:54,358 if they is allowed to wake up... sort of gradual, like. 815 00:51:54,393 --> 00:51:57,283 Well, from now on, 816 00:51:57,318 --> 00:51:59,868 they're going to wake up sort of sudden, like. 817 00:51:59,903 --> 00:52:03,042 If they gets up on the wrong side, sir, 818 00:52:03,077 --> 00:52:05,685 they can make your life a bloody misery all day. 819 00:52:05,720 --> 00:52:09,634 Yes, well, I'm the man who makes lives bloody miserable, Sergeant Major. 820 00:52:09,669 --> 00:52:11,676 - Sound the reveille. - Very well, sir. 821 00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:18,319 I think I can safely say that this is definitely going to give them the needle. 822 00:52:18,354 --> 00:52:19,833 Hee-hee hee hee-hee-hee! 823 00:52:24,880 --> 00:52:26,836 Stand by. 825 00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:37,755 - Blimey! It's only half past six! - What a liberty! 826 00:52:37,790 --> 00:52:39,841 Here, turn that off! 827 00:52:39,876 --> 00:52:41,961 Oh, my gawd! Give it a rest. 828 00:52:41,996 --> 00:52:44,719 - What the hell was that? - Sounds like reveille. 829 00:52:44,754 --> 00:52:46,656 Well, turn the bloody thing off. 830 00:52:46,691 --> 00:52:48,523 You can't turn off a tannoy, sarge. 831 00:52:48,558 --> 00:52:51,234 Get on Ready's shoulders and stuff something up it. 832 00:52:51,269 --> 00:52:52,684 What can I stuff up it, sarge? 833 00:52:52,719 --> 00:52:56,554 I don't know. Your head, your arse, your elbow. 834 00:52:56,589 --> 00:52:59,200 Only hurry up. I'm trying to get some kip. 835 00:52:59,235 --> 00:53:00,803 - Hey, Ready. - What? 836 00:53:00,838 --> 00:53:04,037 - Hand us my pillow. - Can't you remember anything? 837 00:53:04,072 --> 00:53:05,359 I can't see! 838 00:53:05,394 --> 00:53:07,789 - Get it out of my face! - There we are. 839 00:53:09,240 --> 00:53:11,390 It's stopped. We'll take it back again. 840 00:53:12,720 --> 00:53:15,712 Wakey-waaaakey! 841 00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:19,278 Wakey-wakey, rise and shine. 842 00:53:19,313 --> 00:53:22,358 You may break your mothers' hearts, but you will not break mine. 843 00:53:23,400 --> 00:53:27,359 How dare you stuff the commanding officer whilst he is talking! Unstuff him at once! 844 00:53:27,394 --> 00:53:29,077 Get down and get dressed. 845 00:53:29,112 --> 00:53:32,033 And, the rest of you, what does you think you is doing? 846 00:53:32,068 --> 00:53:34,569 Well, we was trying to get some kip. 847 00:53:34,604 --> 00:53:37,036 But you has had all night to kip. 848 00:53:37,071 --> 00:53:42,393 Now, then, off your backs, on your feet and get into them ablutions at the double! 849 00:53:48,880 --> 00:53:50,563 Aeroplanes. 850 00:53:50,598 --> 00:53:54,117 Hey, what's all this about, then, Sergeant Major? 851 00:53:54,152 --> 00:53:57,601 Aircraft recognition. These is your new pin-ups. 852 00:53:57,636 --> 00:54:02,669 I bet none of you can tell the difference between a couple of Heinkels and a pair of Bristols. 853 00:54:02,704 --> 00:54:05,877 No, but I can recognise a Fokker when I see one. 854 00:54:05,912 --> 00:54:08,520 Good boy. That is why you is a sergeant. 855 00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:18,269 TANNOY: Attention, all ATS personnel. I'm going to make men of you. 856 00:54:18,504 --> 00:54:23,156 As from this moment, skirts will not be worn. 857 00:54:23,191 --> 00:54:25,713 TANNOY: Skirts will not be worn. 858 00:54:25,748 --> 00:54:28,201 Ooh, that'll be a bit drafty. 859 00:54:28,236 --> 00:54:32,313 TANNOY: Battledress trousers will be worn at all times. 860 00:54:32,348 --> 00:54:35,756 - That is all. - Wait a minute! 861 00:54:36,800 --> 00:54:39,097 Private Easy, did you hear what he just said? 862 00:54:39,132 --> 00:54:41,395 Of course. That's what we're talking about. 863 00:54:41,430 --> 00:54:43,872 No, no, no, Bombardier Murray. 864 00:54:43,907 --> 00:54:46,279 He said, his exact words were, 865 00:54:46,314 --> 00:54:48,470 Battledress trousers will be worn. 866 00:54:48,505 --> 00:54:50,516 That is all. 867 00:54:50,551 --> 00:54:52,044 Yes. 868 00:54:52,079 --> 00:54:53,843 So he did. 870 00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:03,961 Wakey-wakey! Rise and shine! 871 00:55:03,996 --> 00:55:08,631 All ATS personnel taking breakfast, fall in outside under Corporal Murray. 872 00:55:11,680 --> 00:55:12,954 Come along, girls. Fall in. 873 00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:19,242 How dare you come on parade improperly dressed? 874 00:55:19,277 --> 00:55:22,318 - We're only obeying orders, Sergeant Major. - Or... 875 00:55:22,353 --> 00:55:24,321 Orders? Whose orders? 876 00:55:24,356 --> 00:55:28,149 His. Sir's. We're to wear battledress trousers and that's all. 877 00:55:28,184 --> 00:55:30,834 - The officer wouldn't give that order! - His very words. 878 00:55:30,869 --> 00:55:32,293 The dirty little... 879 00:55:32,328 --> 00:55:33,718 Sergeant Major. 880 00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:37,975 What the devil's going on here? Why are these men half-naked? 881 00:55:38,010 --> 00:55:41,191 Because, sir, you said they was to wear trousers and that is all. 882 00:55:41,226 --> 00:55:42,200 I did not. 883 00:55:42,235 --> 00:55:44,435 ALL: Oh, yes you did, sir. 884 00:55:44,470 --> 00:55:46,672 - Oh, no, I didn't. - Oh, yes, you d... 885 00:55:46,707 --> 00:55:48,875 - Oh, no, I didn't. - Oh, yes, you did! 886 00:55:48,910 --> 00:55:50,199 Quiet! 887 00:55:50,234 --> 00:55:52,594 - I'm going to make a couple of points. - Ooh! 888 00:55:52,629 --> 00:55:57,157 Sergeant Major, when I said, That's all, I didn't mean that's all, I meant that's all. 889 00:55:57,192 --> 00:55:59,844 That sounds like a lot of alls, sir. 890 00:55:59,879 --> 00:56:03,191 The cold wind of change is going to blow through this camp. 891 00:56:03,226 --> 00:56:05,840 This I promise you. So you'd better take cover. 892 00:56:16,520 --> 00:56:19,751 I have now... Do you mind, Sergeant Major? 893 00:56:22,720 --> 00:56:24,950 I have now taken you apart. 894 00:56:26,040 --> 00:56:28,270 And from now on, that is how you will stay. 895 00:56:31,640 --> 00:56:32,360 Apart. 896 00:56:34,920 --> 00:56:37,094 You will eat apart. 897 00:56:37,129 --> 00:56:39,222 You will march apart. 898 00:56:39,257 --> 00:56:41,316 You will live apart. 899 00:56:41,351 --> 00:56:43,356 Left turn! 900 00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:47,604 MELLY: Worlds apart! - Right turn! 901 00:56:47,639 --> 00:56:51,269 MELLY: During gun drills, which will now take place daily, 902 00:56:51,304 --> 00:56:54,318 gas masks will be worn at all times. 903 00:56:54,353 --> 00:56:56,356 Do I make myself clear? 904 00:56:58,680 --> 00:57:04,613 There will be compulsory nights out every night until 23:59 hours. 905 00:57:05,348 --> 00:57:07,356 Transport will be provided. 906 00:57:07,391 --> 00:57:09,361 ATS, Mondays, 907 00:57:09,396 --> 00:57:12,517 - men on Tuesdays. - Look at him laughing at us. Look. 908 00:57:16,400 --> 00:57:21,758 And so it will go on and on and on and on... 909 00:57:21,793 --> 00:57:25,071 until the whole of Europe is ours! 910 00:57:30,600 --> 00:57:33,558 How did he get into our army? 911 00:57:33,593 --> 00:57:35,596 Sieg heil, Melly. 912 00:57:43,920 --> 00:57:46,035 I've got it! I've got it. 913 00:57:46,070 --> 00:57:48,515 - Whooerrpaaahh. - So has he. 914 00:57:48,550 --> 00:57:50,521 Well, take it outside. 915 00:57:50,556 --> 00:57:53,279 And throw a bucket of water on it. 916 00:57:54,360 --> 00:57:55,963 I've got it! 917 00:57:55,998 --> 00:57:58,389 - I've got it! - What a waste. 918 00:57:58,424 --> 00:57:59,799 Poor devil. 919 00:58:01,080 --> 00:58:02,603 Leonard. 920 00:58:02,638 --> 00:58:05,324 Right, you lot. Over here. 921 00:58:05,359 --> 00:58:08,989 Come on, move yourselves. Now, this is the plan. 922 00:58:09,024 --> 00:58:12,371 We are going to dig a tunnel. 923 00:58:12,406 --> 00:58:15,718 We are going to dig a tunnel! 924 00:58:15,753 --> 00:58:17,756 ALL: A tunnel of love! 925 00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:20,756 It won't be as dark as that. 926 00:58:21,800 --> 00:58:23,756 Cop hold of these. 927 00:58:41,960 --> 00:58:44,713 Never thought I'd find a use for my Army knickers. 928 00:58:44,748 --> 00:58:46,836 - Or any other kind, dear. - Cheeky! 929 00:58:47,920 --> 00:58:49,841 Now, keep it up, girls. 930 00:58:49,876 --> 00:58:52,315 The boys ain't half going to get a surprise. 933 00:59:09,640 --> 00:59:11,561 Heel, Hitler. Heel. 934 00:59:11,596 --> 00:59:15,070 - Come on, Sergeant Major. Security patrol. 935 00:59:16,680 --> 00:59:19,523 Is that the best the military police could send you? 936 00:59:19,558 --> 00:59:23,713 Yours may be bigger than mine, sir, but I've been told mine's got more bite. 937 00:59:23,748 --> 00:59:26,048 Oh, come on, Hitler. 938 00:59:26,083 --> 00:59:28,349 Come on, Muscles. 939 00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:31,199 Sh! 940 00:59:32,240 --> 00:59:34,238 What's that? 941 00:59:34,273 --> 00:59:36,201 What's what? 942 00:59:36,236 --> 00:59:38,276 Sounds like somebody tunnelling. 943 00:59:38,311 --> 00:59:40,396 Well, that's you, innit? 944 00:59:41,720 --> 00:59:44,279 - What was that? - What? 945 00:59:44,314 --> 00:59:46,356 It sounded like somebody digging. 946 00:59:47,400 --> 00:59:50,057 - That was you. - Oh, yes. Of course it was. 947 00:59:50,092 --> 00:59:52,714 - Check the padlock, Sergeant Major. - Sir. 950 00:59:59,038 --> 01:00:02,669 Sergeant Major, will you keep that dog of yours under control? 951 01:00:03,720 --> 01:00:07,429 I understand he's house-trained, sir, but not outside-trained. 952 01:00:07,464 --> 01:00:09,476 Oh, come on, Hitler. Come on. 954 01:00:12,314 --> 01:00:14,281 Shhh! 955 01:00:14,316 --> 01:00:17,119 - Listen! 956 01:00:17,154 --> 01:00:19,121 They're patrolling. 957 01:00:19,156 --> 01:00:22,755 - Not a word. Pass it back. - Shh! Pass it back. 958 01:00:22,790 --> 01:00:25,638 - Heel, Hitler. Heel. 959 01:00:25,673 --> 01:00:27,551 Heel, Muscles. 961 01:00:32,520 --> 01:00:34,476 - Quiet! 962 01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:39,116 It's not me. It's my t-t-t-teeth. 963 01:00:41,720 --> 01:00:44,359 - Some old bones buried around here. 965 01:00:47,350 --> 01:00:51,228 - Aaarrghh! - Pull yourself together. Get back at the double! 966 01:00:51,263 --> 01:00:54,995 That was a close call. I was nearly a dog's dinner. 967 01:00:57,640 --> 01:01:01,394 Alice, hold them still. How can I get anything in those? 968 01:01:26,160 --> 01:01:28,378 Tilly, darling. 969 01:01:28,413 --> 01:01:30,596 Guess who's here? 970 01:01:32,240 --> 01:01:36,313 Leonard, dearest, move over. Your Tilly's cold. 971 01:01:38,880 --> 01:01:40,359 Leonard? 972 01:01:41,600 --> 01:01:42,634 Leonard! 973 01:01:42,669 --> 01:01:46,116 Tilly! Where the hell are you? 974 01:01:47,960 --> 01:01:49,916 Hey, sarge. Here. 975 01:01:52,640 --> 01:01:54,561 Oh, no. 976 01:01:54,596 --> 01:01:57,148 We must have tunnelled back into our own hut. 977 01:01:58,200 --> 01:02:00,596 No! No, no, no, no, no. 978 01:02:00,631 --> 01:02:02,958 Don't be stupid, stupid. 979 01:02:02,993 --> 01:02:05,081 The girls must have had the same idea. 980 01:02:05,116 --> 01:02:07,794 - So, they're in our hut. - So, they're in... 981 01:02:07,829 --> 01:02:09,836 Come on! 982 01:03:00,600 --> 01:03:01,350 No! 983 01:03:03,600 --> 01:03:05,601 - What do you mean no? - Listen. 984 01:03:05,636 --> 01:03:09,998 If we wait here, they will come to us. 985 01:03:10,033 --> 01:03:10,875 Right? 986 01:03:10,910 --> 01:03:15,039 We are going to sit here quietly and they will come to us. 987 01:03:15,074 --> 01:03:16,075 Yes. 988 01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:19,916 - Hear anything? - Only you. 990 01:03:25,160 --> 01:03:28,391 Reveille? We've been at it all night. 991 01:03:28,426 --> 01:03:30,436 Yes, and not even a nibble. 992 01:03:30,471 --> 01:03:32,476 Well, it can't be. 994 01:03:37,556 --> 01:03:39,756 TANNOY: Wakey-waaaakey! 995 01:03:39,791 --> 01:03:41,796 Get st-uffed! 996 01:03:47,960 --> 01:03:50,269 Stand at ease. Easy. 997 01:03:51,640 --> 01:03:54,916 This is a great day... for 13-13 Experimental Battery. 998 01:03:54,951 --> 01:03:57,479 And an even better night for us. 999 01:03:57,514 --> 01:04:00,797 Are you coming down my tunnel? Or am I going up yours? 1000 01:04:00,832 --> 01:04:03,484 As a result, Headquarters have at last agreed 1001 01:04:03,519 --> 01:04:06,273 to send us that most desirable piece of equipment 1002 01:04:06,308 --> 01:04:08,999 to have handy in time of war, namely, a gun. 1003 01:04:10,080 --> 01:04:11,683 May God protect us all. 1004 01:04:11,718 --> 01:04:16,271 The Brigadier himself will be here tomorrow for a full inspection 1005 01:04:16,306 --> 01:04:18,316 and, I hope, to see us in action. 1006 01:04:19,360 --> 01:04:21,669 - Ah, here she comes. 1007 01:04:21,704 --> 01:04:24,194 BLOOMER: Company, atten-shun! 1008 01:04:24,229 --> 01:04:26,236 Rule Britannia 1009 01:04:35,160 --> 01:04:38,391 If he goes over our tunnel, he'll fall in. 1010 01:04:48,120 --> 01:04:49,935 - Sergeant Major! - Hargh! 1011 01:04:49,970 --> 01:04:51,750 Culprits to my office at once. 1012 01:04:51,785 --> 01:04:52,989 Sir! 1013 01:04:57,120 --> 01:04:59,758 Right, you horrible stinking shower, 1014 01:04:59,793 --> 01:05:03,953 I wants the guilty party, on the word of command, male or female, 1015 01:05:03,988 --> 01:05:06,473 to take one pace forward! 1016 01:05:06,508 --> 01:05:09,273 The guilty party, one pace forward, march! 1017 01:05:10,320 --> 01:05:12,958 The ground... cut from under our feet, 1018 01:05:12,993 --> 01:05:15,878 and I am determined to get to the bottom of it. 1019 01:05:15,913 --> 01:05:18,554 - Answer me! You! - Yes, sir. 1020 01:05:18,589 --> 01:05:19,594 Answer me! 1021 01:05:19,629 --> 01:05:21,960 Well, I have, sir. 1022 01:05:21,995 --> 01:05:24,036 Who is responsible? Answer me! 1023 01:05:24,071 --> 01:05:26,076 - Moles, sir. - What? 1024 01:05:27,120 --> 01:05:29,076 Well, I think it was moles, sir. 1025 01:05:30,280 --> 01:05:32,554 Who is responsible? You. 1026 01:05:32,589 --> 01:05:34,750 I think it was moles, too, sir. 1027 01:05:34,785 --> 01:05:37,365 Moles. Moles? 1028 01:05:37,400 --> 01:05:40,472 You don't get your ordinary type of mole round here, sir. 1029 01:05:40,507 --> 01:05:43,154 These is all whopping great big 'uns, sir. 1030 01:05:43,189 --> 01:05:44,479 How big? 1031 01:05:44,514 --> 01:05:47,956 Oh, well... as big as that big dog of yours, sir. 1032 01:05:49,000 --> 01:05:52,356 Moles... as big as Great Danes. 1033 01:05:52,391 --> 01:05:54,795 Oh, no. Bigger, really. 1034 01:05:54,830 --> 01:05:56,915 Bigger? 1035 01:05:56,950 --> 01:05:59,838 - You know that hill outside the camp, sir? - Yes. 1036 01:06:00,880 --> 01:06:02,074 That's a molehill. 1037 01:06:03,560 --> 01:06:05,481 Good Lord! 1038 01:06:05,516 --> 01:06:08,273 - That hill must be 20 feet high! - Well, sir... 1039 01:06:08,308 --> 01:06:10,635 that just goes to show you, doesn't it? 1040 01:06:14,040 --> 01:06:15,961 - Sergeant Major? - Sir? 1041 01:06:15,996 --> 01:06:18,548 - Have you ever seen these beasts? - I has not, sir. 1042 01:06:18,583 --> 01:06:20,323 Thank you, Sergeant Major. 1043 01:06:20,358 --> 01:06:23,556 And if I may say so, sir, if I had seen such an animal... 1044 01:06:23,591 --> 01:06:27,832 you would need a gun as big as the one that went down the hole to shoot it with. 1045 01:06:27,867 --> 01:06:29,956 Thank you very much, Sergeant Major. 1046 01:06:34,680 --> 01:06:38,355 Sergeants Willing and Able, you have just told me a tissue... 1047 01:06:38,390 --> 01:06:40,413 Bless you, sir. 1048 01:06:40,448 --> 01:06:42,401 ...of lies. 1049 01:06:42,436 --> 01:06:44,441 The whole lot of you... 1050 01:06:44,476 --> 01:06:49,315 are going to remove my gun from its present hole and put it in its proper hole! 1051 01:06:49,350 --> 01:06:51,629 I don't care how you do it. 1052 01:06:51,664 --> 01:06:53,873 But you are going to do it, 1053 01:06:53,908 --> 01:06:57,231 and you are going to keep on doing it until it is done. 1054 01:06:57,266 --> 01:06:58,877 Heave! 1055 01:06:58,912 --> 01:07:01,798 - Shorthouse, are you heaving? - I'm heaving. 1056 01:07:01,833 --> 01:07:04,155 Look sharp, Sharpe! Heave! 1057 01:07:06,040 --> 01:07:08,121 You ruin my gun... 1058 01:07:08,156 --> 01:07:10,754 I will ruin you! Heave! 1060 01:07:20,280 --> 01:07:22,714 No, he ain't going to get away with it. 1061 01:07:22,749 --> 01:07:24,756 Making us sweat like that. 1062 01:07:25,840 --> 01:07:27,761 How do you mean, us? 1063 01:07:27,796 --> 01:07:31,256 He ain't going to get away with it - making you sweat like that. 1064 01:07:31,291 --> 01:07:34,716 - But he is flippin' getting away with it! - Not for long, son. 1065 01:07:34,751 --> 01:07:36,915 It's a top brass inspection tomorrow, innit? 1066 01:07:36,950 --> 01:07:39,793 - Yes, Sergeant. - Brigadier's coming, isn't he? 1067 01:07:39,828 --> 01:07:42,072 Yes, Sergeant. 1068 01:07:42,107 --> 01:07:44,316 What about it? 1069 01:07:45,360 --> 01:07:47,358 This about it, son. 1070 01:07:47,393 --> 01:07:49,321 He has gone too far. 1071 01:07:49,356 --> 01:07:54,434 So we are going to put into operation Plan B. 1072 01:08:03,880 --> 01:08:05,801 Good Lord! 1073 01:08:05,836 --> 01:08:09,799 - Melly seems to have turned that girl into a man. - Jolly smart, eh, sir? 1074 01:08:09,834 --> 01:08:13,042 You don't suppose sheer bloody ignorance has worked, do you? 1075 01:08:13,077 --> 01:08:17,119 - It couldn't be anything else, sir? - He hasn't got anything else. 1076 01:08:20,640 --> 01:08:22,818 Parade! Parade! 1077 01:08:22,853 --> 01:08:24,996 Atten-shun! 1078 01:08:33,960 --> 01:08:37,077 Good show, Melly. You've got them all turned out like guardsmen. 1079 01:08:37,112 --> 01:08:38,478 Thank you very much, sir. 1080 01:08:38,513 --> 01:08:40,751 Do they all perform as well as they look? 1081 01:08:40,786 --> 01:08:42,954 - I've put a stop to all that, sir. - What? 1082 01:08:42,989 --> 01:08:45,913 Oh, I don't mean I've stopped them performing, sir. 1083 01:08:45,948 --> 01:08:49,629 I've them stopped them... Well, erm... 1084 01:08:49,664 --> 01:08:51,641 performing. 1085 01:08:51,676 --> 01:08:57,153 - Don't follow, old boy. - Oh, how can I put, sir? 1086 01:08:57,188 --> 01:08:59,629 I erm... Ah! 1087 01:09:02,400 --> 01:09:04,321 Oh, I see. 1088 01:09:04,356 --> 01:09:06,396 Got yourself a hen coop, eh? 1089 01:09:06,431 --> 01:09:08,401 Ha ha ha ha! 1090 01:09:08,436 --> 01:09:10,203 Wittily put, sir. 1091 01:09:10,238 --> 01:09:12,241 Yes, I rather thought so myself. 1092 01:09:12,276 --> 01:09:14,351 Come along, Melly. Let's get cracking. 1093 01:09:14,386 --> 01:09:15,589 Very good, sir. 1094 01:09:22,720 --> 01:09:25,075 - Colours, Sergeant Major. - Sir. 1096 01:09:38,320 --> 01:09:41,075 - A bit of a bloomer there, Melly. - I... 1097 01:09:41,110 --> 01:09:43,831 Whose flag is it supposed to be? Nica-ragua's? 1099 01:09:46,229 --> 01:09:48,241 Thank you, Carstairs. 1100 01:09:48,276 --> 01:09:51,875 Excuse me, sir. Pull those knickers down! 1101 01:09:56,320 --> 01:09:57,320 No! 1102 01:09:57,355 --> 01:09:59,441 Not you! 1103 01:09:59,476 --> 01:10:01,516 You, Bombardier. Get 'em down! 1104 01:10:04,760 --> 01:10:09,196 I'm terribly sorry, sir. Some sort of innocent mistake. 1105 01:10:09,231 --> 01:10:12,869 Pulling down knickers is rarely innocent and never a mistake. 1106 01:10:12,904 --> 01:10:15,997 - What? - Oh, an epigram, sir. 1107 01:10:16,032 --> 01:10:17,319 I say, sir! 1108 01:10:17,354 --> 01:10:20,193 That was rather good. What's next on the agenda? 1109 01:10:20,228 --> 01:10:22,392 Things seem to be flagging round here. 1110 01:10:22,427 --> 01:10:24,556 I thought a spot of gun drill, sir. 1111 01:10:24,591 --> 01:10:26,631 All right. Let's shoot off. 1114 01:10:35,640 --> 01:10:36,674 You f... 1115 01:10:36,709 --> 01:10:39,473 Fall in at the gun emplacement! Move yourselves! 1116 01:10:41,760 --> 01:10:43,796 BLOOMER: Come on. Move yourselves! 1117 01:10:43,831 --> 01:10:46,235 Get them bodies moving! 1118 01:10:47,760 --> 01:10:50,228 13-13 Battery, at the double... 1119 01:10:51,280 --> 01:10:54,716 ...stop for nothing, take posts! 1120 01:10:59,400 --> 01:11:01,356 Watch it! Aarrghh! 1121 01:11:02,400 --> 01:11:04,391 Better get him out of there, Sergeant Major. 1122 01:11:04,426 --> 01:11:05,391 Sir. 1123 01:11:08,560 --> 01:11:11,552 Steady, sir. Excuse the familiarity, sir. 1125 01:11:20,120 --> 01:11:22,121 Aahh! Ohhh! 1126 01:11:22,156 --> 01:11:25,391 Got yourself in a bit of a hole there, Melly. 1127 01:11:25,426 --> 01:11:27,401 Hole! Ha ha ha ha! 1128 01:11:27,436 --> 01:11:29,829 - Permission to carry on, sir. - Please do. 1129 01:11:31,960 --> 01:11:34,359 MELLY: You two men there. 1130 01:11:34,394 --> 01:11:38,632 - It doesn't need two men to lift one shell. - You couldn't call us two men, sir. 1131 01:11:38,667 --> 01:11:39,959 More like one and a half. 1132 01:11:39,994 --> 01:11:42,913 - It doesn't need one and a half. - These things is heavy, sir. 1133 01:11:42,948 --> 01:11:45,389 - A man could do himself a mischief. - Rubbish! 1134 01:11:45,424 --> 01:11:47,357 Come on. Hand it to me. 1135 01:11:51,800 --> 01:11:54,837 - Over to you, Sergeant Major. - Tiger, darling, let me. 1136 01:11:54,872 --> 01:11:56,841 Don't say darling in front of officers. 1137 01:11:56,876 --> 01:12:00,839 But I couldn't bear it if you strained something before we'd even... 1138 01:12:00,874 --> 01:12:02,091 you know... 1139 01:12:02,126 --> 01:12:03,274 I do not know. 1140 01:12:03,309 --> 01:12:05,356 Well, let me teach you. 1141 01:12:07,880 --> 01:12:10,348 I find these things awfully exciting. 1142 01:12:10,383 --> 01:12:12,396 I don't know why. 1143 01:12:18,280 --> 01:12:22,512 - Take that thing out of there! - She's rammed it up. Let it stay up. 1144 01:12:22,547 --> 01:12:24,556 In that case, sir, gun loaded, sir. 1145 01:12:25,640 --> 01:12:26,799 Bearing 270! 1147 01:12:39,760 --> 01:12:41,758 Call Melly, will you? 1148 01:12:41,793 --> 01:12:43,756 Sir. Captain Melly! 1149 01:12:43,791 --> 01:12:45,318 Sir? 1150 01:12:45,353 --> 01:12:50,275 Surely, in the interests of efficiency, you shouldn't have someone with... those... 1151 01:12:50,310 --> 01:12:52,281 doing... erm... that. 1152 01:12:52,316 --> 01:12:54,196 Do you know, sir, you're right. 1153 01:12:54,231 --> 01:12:56,993 Yes, well, I always try and keep abreast of things. 1154 01:12:57,028 --> 01:12:59,878 Oh, droll, sir. Very droll. 1155 01:12:59,913 --> 01:13:01,774 - Hiscock? - I beg your pardon. 1156 01:13:01,809 --> 01:13:03,636 Gunner Hiscock! Replace those... 1157 01:13:04,680 --> 01:13:06,910 ...her, will you? 1158 01:13:06,945 --> 01:13:07,910 Yes. 1159 01:13:08,960 --> 01:13:10,757 Carry on, Sergeant. 1160 01:13:17,840 --> 01:13:21,799 - QE 30. - Gun ready for firing, sir. 1161 01:13:21,834 --> 01:13:23,836 Right, stand by! 1162 01:13:25,560 --> 01:13:27,391 Fire! 1164 01:13:30,391 --> 01:13:33,313 Hardly went off with a bang, eh, Melly? 1165 01:13:33,348 --> 01:13:35,197 Carry out drill for misfire! 1166 01:13:37,040 --> 01:13:38,961 Breach jammed, sir. 1167 01:13:38,996 --> 01:13:41,116 Jammed? Get out of my way! 1168 01:13:48,520 --> 01:13:50,476 Put up a bit of a black there, Melly. 1169 01:13:52,040 --> 01:13:55,032 - Permission to take a shower. - Where are you going to take them? 1170 01:13:55,067 --> 01:13:57,076 Not this shower, sir. 1171 01:13:57,111 --> 01:13:58,956 Hot shower. 1172 01:13:58,991 --> 01:14:01,605 Yes. Well, I must admit, you do look a bit grimy. 1173 01:14:01,640 --> 01:14:04,439 Carry on with the brigadier's inspection, Sergeant Major. 1174 01:14:04,474 --> 01:14:05,794 Hah! 1175 01:14:09,320 --> 01:14:11,914 Shall we commence in the mess, sir? 1176 01:14:11,949 --> 01:14:14,195 Seem to be in it already. 1177 01:14:14,230 --> 01:14:16,236 Ha ha ha. Humpf! 1178 01:14:45,200 --> 01:14:47,509 It will start working soon. 1179 01:14:48,560 --> 01:14:51,632 He'll turn bright blue as soon as he gets in the open air. 1180 01:14:51,667 --> 01:14:53,676 Hee-hee hee-hee! 1181 01:14:55,120 --> 01:15:00,148 If you could see your way clear, sir, to grant me a transfer, I would be eternally grateful. 1182 01:15:00,183 --> 01:15:03,357 I would do anything, sir. Any mission you care to suggest. 1183 01:15:03,392 --> 01:15:06,034 I could parachute into Germany. Kill Hitler. 1184 01:15:11,480 --> 01:15:13,152 Captain Melly resuming duty, sir. 1185 01:15:13,187 --> 01:15:15,799 - Melly? - Sir? 1186 01:15:15,834 --> 01:15:20,072 Melly, last time I saw you, you were black. Now you've turned blue. 1187 01:15:20,107 --> 01:15:22,002 Blue? 1188 01:15:22,037 --> 01:15:24,270 Blue. Mirror. 1189 01:15:34,080 --> 01:15:37,197 - Blue as a baboon's arse. - Ha ha! Oh... 1190 01:15:39,920 --> 01:15:41,921 Permission to have another shower, sir. 1191 01:15:41,956 --> 01:15:46,238 - Granted. - Carry on with the inspection, Sergeant Major. 1192 01:15:46,273 --> 01:15:47,238 Hah! 1193 01:15:52,520 --> 01:15:55,955 On the other hand, sir, if you does not fancy me knocking off Hitler, 1194 01:15:55,990 --> 01:16:00,073 how about that fat slob of an Italian ice cream merchant Musso-bloody-lini? 1195 01:16:00,108 --> 01:16:02,593 - Are you a coward, Sergeant Major? - Me, sir? 1196 01:16:02,628 --> 01:16:06,349 You want to go gallivanting off, trying to kill Hitler and Mussolini 1197 01:16:06,384 --> 01:16:09,193 and sneak out from under this very tough job here? 1198 01:16:09,228 --> 01:16:11,201 Only a suggestion, sir. 1199 01:16:11,236 --> 01:16:13,993 Bloody ashamed, you should be. What's this? 1200 01:16:14,028 --> 01:16:15,718 Games room, sir. 1201 01:16:25,320 --> 01:16:27,788 What's the name of this game, Sergeant Major? 1202 01:16:27,823 --> 01:16:30,803 - Unarmed combat... sir. - Oh? 1203 01:16:30,838 --> 01:16:34,469 What the sergeant major means, sir, is... Ahem! 1204 01:16:36,240 --> 01:16:41,268 ...is that you can never be sure when them Nazi paratroopers might land, sir. 1205 01:16:41,303 --> 01:16:43,316 And we must be ready for them. 1206 01:16:43,351 --> 01:16:45,356 By fighting with ladies? 1207 01:16:46,680 --> 01:16:49,284 Ah, sir, we heard... about them nuns, sir. 1208 01:16:49,319 --> 01:16:53,871 You know, sir. Them nuns when the Frogs was done. With Tommy guns up their habits. 1209 01:16:53,906 --> 01:16:58,397 Those nuns, Sergeant Major, were German soldiers in disguise. 1210 01:16:58,432 --> 01:17:00,401 What we was doing, sir, 1211 01:17:00,436 --> 01:17:05,992 was getting used to the feel of fighting something in skirts. 1212 01:17:06,027 --> 01:17:09,629 Mm-hm. What do you say, Carstairs? 1213 01:17:09,664 --> 01:17:10,449 Mm-hm. 1214 01:17:11,800 --> 01:17:16,237 - Can you explain that, Sergeant? - Well, sir. This is erm... 1215 01:17:16,272 --> 01:17:18,241 well, a mixed battery, sir. 1216 01:17:18,276 --> 01:17:23,957 And er... well, in a mixed battery, you have to er... 1217 01:17:23,992 --> 01:17:26,075 - Mix it. - Mix it. 1218 01:17:26,110 --> 01:17:29,192 Carstairs, you fancy yourself at unarmed combat, don't you? 1219 01:17:29,227 --> 01:17:31,554 I know a trick or two, sir. 1220 01:17:31,589 --> 01:17:34,399 - Go on, then. Choose your opponent. - Thank you, sir. 1221 01:17:43,360 --> 01:17:45,316 You. That man there. 1222 01:17:47,360 --> 01:17:50,875 - Me, sir? - No, no. No! Not you, Bombardier. 1223 01:17:52,400 --> 01:17:54,630 I never fight a man with his glasses on. 1224 01:17:54,665 --> 01:17:56,164 I'll take them off, sir. 1225 01:17:56,199 --> 01:17:59,750 No, no. It'll be too dangerous. Thank you. Back into line. 1226 01:17:59,785 --> 01:18:00,909 Sir. 1227 01:18:02,040 --> 01:18:04,395 You. That man over there. 1228 01:18:06,560 --> 01:18:08,258 Me, sir? 1229 01:18:08,293 --> 01:18:09,956 Yes, you. 1230 01:18:12,080 --> 01:18:15,298 Sir, why don't you try one of our young ladies? 1231 01:18:15,333 --> 01:18:18,482 - Eh? - Good idea. Why not try one of her ladies? 1232 01:18:18,517 --> 01:18:22,275 TILLY: Just to show how far advanced in the game we are, sir. 1233 01:18:22,310 --> 01:18:25,193 - Ladies, well... - Jolly good idea. Go ahead. 1234 01:18:25,228 --> 01:18:27,874 - Ffoukes Sharpe! - Pardon? 1235 01:18:27,909 --> 01:18:29,881 - Sir! - Sir. 1236 01:18:29,916 --> 01:18:33,197 - If I was you, sir... - Yes, Sergeant Major. 1237 01:18:33,232 --> 01:18:35,201 How you wish you were me. 1238 01:18:35,236 --> 01:18:39,359 - No, sir, I think I should warn you... - Don't worry, I shan't hurt her. 1240 01:18:42,516 --> 01:18:44,556 Right, Ffoukes Sharpe. En garde! 1241 01:18:49,080 --> 01:18:50,991 What are they afraid of, what? 1242 01:18:51,026 --> 01:18:52,638 Stand by, Sergeant! 1243 01:18:52,673 --> 01:18:54,312 Oooh! Aarrghh! 1244 01:19:05,960 --> 01:19:07,518 Thank you, madam. 1245 01:19:09,280 --> 01:19:11,236 I wasn't ready, sir. 1246 01:19:12,280 --> 01:19:16,558 Come along, Carstairs. I think we've both hung around here long enough, don't you? 1247 01:19:16,593 --> 01:19:17,914 Ha ha. 1248 01:19:23,640 --> 01:19:26,791 Whoever perpetrated that blue joke is going to suffer. 1249 01:19:29,120 --> 01:19:31,076 Suffer! I'll murder 'em! 1250 01:19:32,120 --> 01:19:33,997 I'll make dog meat of 'em. 1251 01:19:35,080 --> 01:19:38,152 I'll show them who's wearing the trousers around here. 1252 01:20:05,320 --> 01:20:07,754 Good afternoon, sir. 1253 01:20:10,360 --> 01:20:13,636 I say, sir. That ATS private's wearing a moustache! 1254 01:20:13,671 --> 01:20:16,393 That's no ATS private, Carstairs. That's Melly! 1256 01:20:28,160 --> 01:20:31,435 13-13 Battery, take post! 1257 01:20:31,470 --> 01:20:34,313 Action stations, Carstairs. Action stations! 1258 01:20:34,348 --> 01:20:36,242 Is this the real thing, Sergeant Major? 1259 01:20:36,277 --> 01:20:39,272 Yes, lovely boy. It is you against the Hun this time! 1260 01:20:40,720 --> 01:20:43,499 Move yourselves! Move yourselves! Come on! Come on! 1261 01:20:43,534 --> 01:20:46,279 BLOOMER: Sixpence for every one you shoots down. 1262 01:20:46,314 --> 01:20:48,281 Two bob if it is a German! 1263 01:20:48,316 --> 01:20:50,356 Come on! Come on! Move yourselves! 1264 01:20:50,391 --> 01:20:52,396 Move yourselves! Come on! Come on! 1265 01:21:01,040 --> 01:21:03,075 Here, did you see that? 1266 01:21:03,110 --> 01:21:06,875 Leonard, you cannot expect a brigadier to expose himself. 1267 01:21:08,360 --> 01:21:12,358 I think perhaps we should go now. Get those bloody guns ready! 1268 01:21:12,393 --> 01:21:16,356 MELLY: Put those gas masks on! No.1 detachment, take post! 1269 01:21:20,120 --> 01:21:22,360 Right! Stand by! 1270 01:21:22,395 --> 01:21:25,005 With respect, sir. You is improperly dressed. 1271 01:21:25,040 --> 01:21:28,749 If it wasn't for you, Sergeant Major, I wouldn't be in this shape. 1272 01:21:35,960 --> 01:21:38,619 - I reckon they're Fokkers. - Have you got it up? 1273 01:21:38,654 --> 01:21:41,304 - I beg your pardon? - The shell, man. The shell! 1274 01:21:41,339 --> 01:21:43,954 - That's rammed up all right, sir. - Then fire it! 1275 01:21:43,989 --> 01:21:45,951 Fire! 1276 01:21:47,360 --> 01:21:49,634 SPITFIRE PILOT: Bloody hell! 1277 01:21:49,669 --> 01:21:52,115 Don't shoot at him. Shoot at them! 1278 01:21:52,150 --> 01:21:55,272 You dozy idle fool! 1279 01:21:55,307 --> 01:21:56,472 220-35-29! 1280 01:21:58,560 --> 01:21:59,754 Fire! 1281 01:21:59,789 --> 01:22:00,949 Fire! 1282 01:22:03,960 --> 01:22:06,038 190-30-28! 1283 01:22:06,073 --> 01:22:08,116 Shorthouse! 1284 01:22:09,920 --> 01:22:11,876 Get that shell in the breach! 1285 01:22:13,600 --> 01:22:15,556 Oh, for heaven's sake! 1286 01:22:16,920 --> 01:22:18,194 - Get out! - Fire! 1287 01:22:23,400 --> 01:22:26,551 - We've got him, Sergeant Major. - Let's hope it's one of theirs. 1288 01:22:29,720 --> 01:22:32,757 - Aaaaaahh! - Well done, lads! Again! 1289 01:22:34,080 --> 01:22:35,330 Fire! 1290 01:22:38,200 --> 01:22:40,156 It's a hit, sir. It's a hit! 1291 01:22:41,200 --> 01:22:44,317 - Well done, Tiger. - Thank you, Smelly... sir. 1292 01:22:44,352 --> 01:22:46,277 Do it again! Do it again! 1293 01:22:46,312 --> 01:22:47,793 MELLY: Fire! 1294 01:22:51,160 --> 01:22:52,718 It's another hit, sir! 1295 01:22:53,800 --> 01:22:55,153 Well done, Jock. 1296 01:22:56,240 --> 01:22:57,558 Do it again! 1297 01:22:57,593 --> 01:22:59,636 Right, stand back, you two! 1298 01:22:59,671 --> 01:23:02,280 That's it. Fire! 1299 01:23:06,880 --> 01:23:09,348 You've done it. You've done it, my lovely boys! 1300 01:23:14,000 --> 01:23:16,753 - We did it! We did it! - Leonard, you did it. 1301 01:23:16,788 --> 01:23:18,749 - No, we did it, Till. - We did? 1302 01:23:18,784 --> 01:23:20,711 Take that message back to Hitler! 1303 01:23:20,746 --> 01:23:22,028 Ahhh! 1304 01:23:24,880 --> 01:23:26,801 A- haaaa! 1305 01:23:26,836 --> 01:23:30,151 Go on, Tiger. It's your birthday! 1306 01:23:33,280 --> 01:23:36,636 - I love you. - You can tell him that as well. 1307 01:23:50,880 --> 01:23:51,994 All right. 1308 01:23:52,029 --> 01:23:54,509 Parade... stand at ease! 1309 01:23:54,544 --> 01:23:56,999 Stand easy. 1310 01:23:57,034 --> 01:24:02,513 Now, I am sure that you is all dying to know the state of your commanding officer. 1311 01:24:02,548 --> 01:24:08,356 And I is very happy to inform you that apart from a cracked funny bone, 1312 01:24:08,391 --> 01:24:12,951 sustained in the recoil, and a couple of sprained fingers from tugging the toggle, 1313 01:24:12,986 --> 01:24:15,758 he is in what might be described as rude health. 1314 01:24:15,793 --> 01:24:21,753 In fact, he is coming out here now to congratulate you as you so richly deserves. 1315 01:24:30,880 --> 01:24:33,713 And the same to you! 1316 01:24:38,600 --> 01:24:40,511 Hooray! 1317 01:24:45,600 --> 01:24:49,275 And so it came about that through the blunderings of one poor bloody officer, 1318 01:24:49,310 --> 01:24:51,998 a certain person who shall be nameless was able to create 1319 01:24:52,033 --> 01:24:55,795 an everlasting symbol of encouragement and devotion to duty, 1320 01:24:55,830 --> 01:24:58,553 a symbol accepted throughout the entire world! 96476