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1
00:00:00,968 --> 00:00:02,570
I'm gonna miss you so much,
2
00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,638
but we can speak on the computer
so you'll see my face.
3
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:06,707
But we won't be able
to touch you.
4
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,209
Hey, look.
You'll still have me.
5
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:11,179
-Just you?
-Yes. Just-- Your father. Hi.
6
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:30,030
(haltingly playing piano)
7
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,939
(plays false notes)
8
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:40,641
(hisses)
9
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,180
(hisses)
10
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:47,581
Wow.
11
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,650
(clicks tongue, hisses)
12
00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:01,162
Fuck.
13
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:02,230
(coughs, clears throat)
14
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,664
(continues playing)
15
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,834
(humming along softly)
16
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,402
* Muggy nights *
17
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,238
* The curtains drawn *
18
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:14,908
* In the little room
downstairs *
19
00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:18,646
* Prima... prima donna, Lord *
20
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,881
* You really should've
been there *
21
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,651
* Sittin' like a princess
perched *
22
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:28,222
* In her electric chair *
23
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:30,658
* And it's one more beer *
24
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,993
* And I don't hear you *
25
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:36,564
* Anymore *
26
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:40,134
* We've all gone crazy lately *
27
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:42,069
* My friends out there *
28
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:46,574
* Rollin' round
the basement floor *
29
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,342
* Ooh *
30
00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:49,743
* Oo... *
31
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,346
* Ooh *
32
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:57,485
* Someone saved my life
tonight *
33
00:01:57,518 --> 00:02:00,120
* Sugar bear *
34
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,925
* Almost had your hooks in me *
35
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,328
* Didn't you, dear? *
36
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,096
* You nearly *
37
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,933
* Had me roped and tied *
38
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:16,604
* Altar-bound, hypnotized *
39
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:20,441
* Sweet freedom whispered
in my ear *
40
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,875
* You're a *
41
00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:24,312
* Butterfly *
42
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,450
* And butterflies
are free to fly *
43
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,985
* Fly away *
44
00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:36,624
* High away *
45
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,292
* Ah... *
46
00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:39,960
* Bye... *
47
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,796
* Bye... bye. *
48
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,233
(vocalizing)
49
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,941
Here we go.
50
00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:56,910
(playing false notes)
51
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,312
(sighs)
52
00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:04,252
(hissing)
53
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:06,987
(groaning)
54
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,759
(discordant notes)
55
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:21,702
I'm getting the worst hands.
56
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,605
-Me too.
-Uh-oh. Don't say those words.
57
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,940
The PC police might show up
and arrest me
58
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:30,511
for playing cards alone
with you three gorgeous women.
59
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,580
(women chuckling)
60
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,848
I think all this Me Too stuff
is good.
61
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:37,518
Seeing all those horrible men
being taken down.
62
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,288
Lord knows I wish
my Daddy would be around
63
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:41,755
to get his reckoning.
64
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,524
Oh, things used to be
so different.
65
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:47,027
I'd probably be in prison
for ten life sentences.
66
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,332
-Kidding. Just kidding.
-(Gloria groans)
67
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,734
-Can't even joke anymore?
-(chuckles)
68
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,169
Whenever a man
would pinch my behind,
69
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,406
-I took it as a compliment.
-(chuckles)
70
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:01,174
And I would pinch him
right back.
71
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:03,243
(laughing)
72
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:06,714
My sexuality
was my greatest asset.
73
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:09,350
I didn't have higher education.
I couldn't type.
74
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:12,353
And yet I got hired
for every job I ever applied to,
75
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,322
and I knew it was because
of the way I looked.
76
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:16,657
-Mm...
-Mm-hmm.
-(chuckling)
77
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,392
Hi!
78
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,428
-OTHERS: Hi!
-Hi!
79
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:21,695
Hmm.
80
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,931
-Mm.
-Mm.
81
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,566
Phil?
82
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,168
-What?
-Phil, it's today.
83
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:29,370
-Mm-mmm.
-It's today.
84
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,372
We're not putting it off
anymore.
85
00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:33,507
Give me your spit.
86
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:34,708
What is that?
87
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,710
I think it's a DNA test.
88
00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,078
No, I don't want to.
89
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:42,049
And the advances of my coworkers
were just part of it.
90
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,116
Part of what?
91
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:44,251
Not your business.
92
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,753
Okay. That's fine.
93
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,388
Let's go. Come on.
94
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,890
Let's just do it today.
You guys don't mind for one sec?
95
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,392
She promised me
she would do this.
96
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,527
-Spit in here.
-Stop it!
97
00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:54,928
Spit in here. It'll be fun.
98
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,497
No!
99
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,799
-(sighs)
-It does not sound fun to me.
100
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:02,135
I have no interest in some Irish
third cousin I've never heard of
101
00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:04,405
tracking me down,
trying to get money out of me.
102
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,940
This is so annoying!
You said you would do this.
103
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:07,941
I'm not going to do it.
104
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,309
-You're gonna do it.
-I'm not going to.
105
00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:10,978
-I'm gonna get you.
-You're not.
106
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,413
-Goddamn it, Phil.
-I am not...
107
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,482
Phil, stay!
108
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:15,816
-No!
-Phil,
109
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,285
-stop it!
-I'm not going to do it!
110
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,287
Phil, you want me to chase you?
111
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,555
I will chase you.
112
00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:22,556
-You'll never catch me.
-We're not...
113
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:23,624
Phyllis!
114
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,992
You w... Phil, you...
115
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,226
-Mom!
-No!
116
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,761
-Phyllis!
-What?!
117
00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:30,464
-(muttering)
-SAM: This is silly.
118
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:32,332
You are such a child.
119
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,334
-Phil! Goddamn it!
-I'm not going to. No!
120
00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:36,103
-I'm not going. No.
-Fine.
121
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:37,605
-I'm not letting you through.
-(grunting)
122
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:38,972
-No. Mom.
-(crying)
123
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,974
-I'm taking you down.
-(grunting)
124
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:43,744
-Mom, give me your spit!
-Ow!
125
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:44,712
-Stop.
-What?
126
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:46,580
Okay. Spit!
127
00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:47,648
-(spits)
-LORELAI: Ooh.
128
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,182
Not just one spit.
129
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,451
You got to fill the whole vial.
130
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:53,921
-(groaning)
-(Hal groans)
131
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,923
Jesus, I may puke.
132
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,190
I may puke.
133
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,459
Just do it.
134
00:05:58,492 --> 00:06:01,929
-(spitting, groaning)
-(groans)
135
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:05,332
-(spits)
-(groans)
136
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,601
(groans)
There!
137
00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,637
Go away! For God's sake.
138
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,304
SAM:
Jesus.
139
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:13,907
I'd better be Samoan
or something cool,
140
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,443
worth doing this for.
141
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:16,644
Bye!
142
00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:18,646
-Bye.
-Bye.
-Hey, Sam.
143
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:21,682
What do you call Jewish girls
who won't give blow jobs?
144
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,016
Married. Ha!
145
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,318
-Good one, Hal!
-(laughs)
146
00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:27,888
See? She doesn't mind.
147
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,990
Oh, my God.
148
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,492
You're a dirty old man.
149
00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:33,494
-Eh.
-I like it.
150
00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:35,663
(chuckling)
151
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:38,899
*
152
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,735
WOMAN:
After seeing
three other doctors,
153
00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:43,637
only Dr. Ballinger
154
00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:46,507
was able to make me
pain-free again.
155
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:49,376
Dr. Ballinger
is a miracle worker.
156
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,078
*
157
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,716
Thank you.
158
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,720
(groans)
159
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,755
(clears throat)
160
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:07,027
What are you in for?
161
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:10,363
Eh, wear and tear.
162
00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:12,566
I don't got a good story.
163
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,901
Same.
164
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,537
When did your hands
start to go bad?
165
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,271
When I was about, uh,
166
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,707
78, 79.
167
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,742
Not too long ago.
168
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:26,079
SAM:
So, wh-what should we do?
(exhales)
169
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,248
Oh, man. I'm-I'm...
170
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,518
I think I'm a little emotional.
171
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:33,754
It took me six months to get
this appointment. (sniffles)
172
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,355
Why'd you wait so long?
173
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:36,624
Because you...
174
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:41,128
Anyway, I'm here now, so...
175
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,063
I will do whatever it takes.
176
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,898
I know
you're the miracle worker.
177
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:46,466
Whatever you want to do--
178
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,001
P.T., O.T.,
179
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:49,436
supplements, steroids.
180
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,438
Well,
181
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,742
this side is mild to moderate,
182
00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:58,178
and this is moderate to severe.
183
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,814
(sniffles)
Mm.
184
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:04,685
Your hands
are much older than you are.
185
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,587
Oh.
186
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,657
-May I touch you?
-Yeah.
187
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:11,659
This hurt?
188
00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:13,126
Ow. Yeah.
189
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,995
Mm.
190
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,429
How about this?
191
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:19,299
(whistles, squeaks)
Yeah.
192
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:23,571
Mm-hmm. Yup.
193
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,773
Your muscles have atrophied.
194
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:30,578
Jesus. Well, what about
physical therapy?
195
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,780
Won't help.
Listen, I'm a surgeon.
196
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,848
I would love to go in there
and cut,
197
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,651
but your hand could
wind up like this.
198
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,452
Well, what about
all the patient testimonials
199
00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:41,188
in the waiting room?
200
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,957
How am I supposed to function
without opposable thumbs?
201
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:46,326
I'm sorry, Sam.
The technology just isn't here
202
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,628
for what you've got, yet.
203
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:50,297
You are a lot younger
than your hands.
204
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:53,000
Jesus.
205
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:56,870
That's the first time in forever
anyone ever said I was young.
206
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:59,640
This blows dead donkey dicks.
207
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,474
Well, you don't need hands
for that.
208
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:04,044
-(chuckles)
-(fake chuckles)
209
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:06,614
It's true.
210
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,149
(phone vibrates)
211
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,150
(sighs)
212
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,484
SAM:
Yello?
213
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,353
JESSICA:
Sam, quick thought.
214
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,989
I spoke with my producers,
and we want to move you up.
215
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,158
SAM:
Oh, wow. Really?
216
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:20,861
JESSICA:
Yeah, you know, I can't stop
thinking about you, and then
217
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,530
I started thinking about me.
I just got tired of being
218
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,165
some gun for hire, you know?
219
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:28,902
I mean, fuck, I'm gonna be
30 in, like, five minutes.
220
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,203
Yeah.
221
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,972
You need to prepare yourself,
Sam.
222
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:34,808
You're gonna wake up and be 50,
and then what are you gonna do?
223
00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:36,209
Well,
224
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,713
I hadn't actually thought
about that.
225
00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:42,650
I mean, you need to have
something of your own, right?
226
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,652
Because if we don't come up
with it,
227
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,654
then nobody else is gonna
goddamn do it.
228
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,021
Yeah.
229
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:49,657
Fuck, yeah.
230
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,191
And I'm aware of the irony here,
231
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,525
that technically
you're my hired gun.
232
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:53,894
That's okay.
233
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,428
I'm okay with irony.
234
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:58,331
But I really want you
to make this your own thing.
235
00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,933
I think you are brilliant,
236
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,035
and I want
that Sam Fox brilliant brain
237
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:04,104
splattered all over my show.
238
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,439
Wow. That is cool.
239
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:08,709
Hey, can you say that shit
240
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:11,378
about how brilliant
you think I am to my daughters?
241
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,881
See? Fucking hilarious!
242
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,949
I am so excited.
243
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,785
I discovered you.
I want everybody to know
244
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:19,386
that you never existed
before this moment.
245
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:20,788
It's gonna be amazing.
246
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,723
Think of some ideas,
and then we'll chat.
247
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:26,159
I cannot even begin to tell you
how excited I am about this.
248
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,802
(owl hooting)
249
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,371
(soft rustling)
250
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,913
(birds singing)
251
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,482
(groans softly)
252
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,157
(gasps)
253
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,026
Whoa.
254
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,561
(owl squeals)
255
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:03,563
O... kay.
256
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:08,001
(quietly):
Okay, boy. Okay, boy.
257
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:11,304
(louder):
Okay, boy.
258
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:14,775
Get somebody to...
259
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:16,176
-(door closes)
-(owl squeaks)
260
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,645
Is it gone?
261
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,181
-Nope.
-MAX: Why isn't it leaving?
262
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:24,051
It's probably just scared.
263
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:29,256
Maybe it got a letter
from Hogwarts. Heh!
264
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:32,359
Mom, this is serious.
An owl in the house is bad luck.
265
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,928
(spits)
Don't say that!
266
00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:37,697
So, owls have traditionally been
seen as a harbinger of death,
267
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:41,201
but they can also be a sign
of change and fertility.
268
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,870
So which is it?
269
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,906
We should take the snake out.
270
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:48,475
-Owls eat snakes, shit licker.
-Not baby ones.
271
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:49,810
Oh, so you want
272
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,711
-to murder a baby owl?
-SAM: Nuh-uh.
273
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:53,113
That ain't no baby owl.
274
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,948
No, I just want
to s... scare it off.
275
00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:56,583
You want me to go get my dad?
276
00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:59,119
I'm gonna go get my dad.
277
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,121
(Sam scoffs)
278
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:14,101
Did she just go in there?
279
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:18,038
Uh...
280
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:23,043
Why do you have "penis"
on the wall?
281
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,412
BOTH:
We have a lot
of penises on the wall.
282
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:29,850
We should really...
283
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,152
take the penises off the wall.
284
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,554
It's not good with company,
you know?
285
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:37,557
Hi. I'm Duke.
286
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,226
(owl squeaks)
287
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:48,068
(owl squeaking)
288
00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:51,771
I promise I'll be careful
289
00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:55,708
if you promise
not to peck my eyes out.
290
00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:58,979
* I didn't want to *
291
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:02,883
* Get home yesterday *
292
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:06,719
-* But all my friends did *
-(owl squeaks)
293
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:09,456
* So I did it anyway... *
294
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:12,592
Take the penises off the wall.
295
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,562
* In the mirror... *
296
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:16,897
Oh!
297
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:19,066
(gasps)
298
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:21,902
-Wow.
-Whoa.
299
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,403
Cool.
300
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,738
Gosh, look at its little beak.
301
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,941
(gasps) Gah, gah, gah,
gah, gah, gah, gah.
302
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,642
-What?
-You don't touch it.
303
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:32,045
With the finger oil,
his mother may kill him
304
00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,081
or not come back or something.
305
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:35,815
Actually, Mom, that's a myth.
306
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,817
You just want to be careful,
you don't want to hurt it.
307
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:39,319
Mm.
308
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:43,090
* Tomorrow someone will... *
309
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,926
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
310
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:48,128
SAM:
Be careful. So soft.
311
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,963
* Tomorrow someone... *
312
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,698
All right, little guy,
313
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,935
we got to get you back
where you belong.
314
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,670
Okay, I got to, like, call...
315
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,306
Animal Control or something.
316
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,740
We should name it first.
317
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:03,843
-What should we name it?
-What's his name? Edwin.
318
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,245
-Edwin.
-Oh, my God. It's perfect.
319
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,347
Edwin. Oh, my God.
320
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,649
Edwin, oh, my God.
Edwin, Edwin, Edwin.
321
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,985
-The softest thing in the world.
-Okay, let's get him
322
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,420
-to... because...
-Be careful. Be careful.
323
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,821
-Be careful. Be careful.
-I got it.
324
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,189
-Oh, my God.
-You're like his mommy.
325
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:17,757
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
326
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:22,162
(chuckles)
Hi, José.
327
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,830
Hey. Hi, Sam.
328
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,198
Hi.
329
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,200
Everything okay?
330
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,269
SAM:
Uh, yeah, yeah.
331
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,803
The pets are fine.
332
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:32,705
It's just that I had them
take away the girls.
333
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:34,107
Couldn't housebreak 'em.
334
00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:35,508
(both chuckle)
335
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,310
-Uh, Reinita's behaving herself?
-Oh, yeah.
336
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:38,979
She's the best.
I'm keeping her.
337
00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:41,381
Ah. She made a list
for me the other day.
338
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:45,018
All the colleges she wants
to go to-- all out of state.
339
00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,054
-Whoa.
-And she said, "Papi, if I get
340
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:48,521
into these schools,
can you help pay for them?"
341
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,923
What can I say to that?
342
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,358
I want to give her everything,
you know?
343
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,160
-Yeah, she's a really great kid.
-(sighs)
344
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,695
Yeah. Between that
and her quinceañera next month,
345
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,698
my wife thinks we should move
to Phoenix to save money.
346
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,767
-Really?
-Yeah. What am I supposed
to do for work?
347
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,902
-Nothing grows there.
-(sighs)
348
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,905
You know,
maybe we should team up.
349
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,008
What do you mean?
350
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:10,443
Frankie was talking
about doing one of those...
351
00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:12,379
-A quinceañera?
-Yeah.
352
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,846
But a-aren't you guys Jewish?
353
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,682
-Mm.
-I mean, even though I do
354
00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:17,317
bring you a Christmas tree
every Hanukkah.
355
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,052
-Yeah. Heh!
-(laughs)
356
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:22,322
No, I mean, is that weird?
Is that bad?
357
00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:25,558
They're a lot of fun.
She should.
358
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,527
Hey, have you seen
your new trees?
359
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,397
Grapefruit,
Meyer lemon and kumquat.
360
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,332
-You like the pots?
-They're so gorgeous!
361
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,534
-Yeah?
-Thank you, José. I love it.
362
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,269
-(laughs) Of course.
-PHYLLIS: José?
363
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:37,570
I'm so glad you haven't left.
364
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,539
-Oh, hi.
-It seems
365
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:42,042
you've pruned the wrong branches
on my plum tree.
366
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,743
-¿Qué?
-Mm?
367
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,678
-I'm pretty sure I didn't.
-(chuckles) Afraid you did.
368
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,114
Okay. I'll go
check it out then.
369
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:48,548
-No, no, no, no.
-PHYLLIS: What?
370
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:49,649
-What are you doing?
-What?
371
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:51,051
-It's not your day.
-I know that,
372
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:53,453
but he likes my latkes.
Come along, José.
373
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,388
-No. (scoffs)
-She made it a little weird.
374
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:57,057
-(José chuckles)
-Oh, my God!
375
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:59,259
That's so rude.
376
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,061
-(quietly): Sam, I got it.
-He won't be long.
377
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,429
-SAM: Ugh.
-I'm coming, Phil.
378
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,596
-Phil!
-PHYLLIS: Good, good.
379
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,066
-Be nice!
-I will!
380
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:08,401
(scoffs)
381
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:09,802
Is this the Meyer lemon?
382
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:12,372
(sniffs)
Oh, I love it.
383
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:17,977
Mom! Mom!
384
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:21,114
Mom, can Pepper
start the El Camino?
385
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:22,582
Just-just start it.
386
00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:25,085
SAM:
Oh, God. Geez!
387
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,919
Say yes, Sam!
388
00:16:26,953 --> 00:16:28,255
SAM:
Oh, God.
389
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:29,756
Just don't tell your mom!
390
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:32,292
-Oh, my God!
-I know!
391
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,061
(both giggling)
392
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,695
Go, go!
393
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,299
Your chariot, miss.
394
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,369
-Oh, thank you kindly.
-(chuckles)
395
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:46,973
(screaming)
396
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:54,914
(laughing)
397
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:57,050
(continues screaming)
398
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:01,221
What happened? What happened?
399
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,256
What happened?
400
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,657
Oh, okay.
401
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,626
Let me see. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
402
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:08,628
Raise your hand in the air.
403
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,997
I got you. I got you. It's okay.
404
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,900
Okay. It's okay, sweetie.
It's okay.
405
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,202
Let me just wrap it up.
406
00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,337
-(laughing)
-What is wrong with you?!
407
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,805
I'm sorry, I can't help it.
408
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:20,507
-Get a towel!
-(continues laughing)
409
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,242
-(sobbing): Is it bad?
-It's okay, baby. No.
410
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:23,910
-Honey, honey, just calm down.
-Ow! Ow!
411
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:26,613
Lay your head back.
Lay your head back. Yeah.
412
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,281
You just cut it a little bit,
sweetie.
413
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:29,882
Yes. It's okay.
414
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:32,219
-It's okay.
-Mom, is it "qualm with"
415
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,387
or "qualm about"? Mom!
416
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:37,890
-SAM: Frankie,
call Pepper's mom!
-(Pepper sobbing)
417
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:41,161
-It's okay, honey.
-FRANKIE: Mom,
Chewy's got something.
418
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:43,029
Chewy, release!
419
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,831
-What is that?
Come here, come here.
-(Duke laughing)
420
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,733
Duke, Duke, where are the keys?
421
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,801
-Duke, where are the keys?!
-I don't know.
422
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:50,270
Looks like a worm or something.
423
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,605
-Duke.
-Pepper has them.
424
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,307
-SAM: Okay. Okay.
-He swallowed it.
425
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:56,075
Oh. Oh, God.
426
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,644
Oh, shit.
427
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:58,678
Oh, Jesus.
428
00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:00,147
It's okay. That's fine.
429
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,014
That's fine. No, no, no, no, no.
430
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:03,850
Don't look at that.
Don't look at... Pepper?
431
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:05,252
Pepper! Okay.
432
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:06,786
Frankie!
433
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,722
Good boy. What a good poop.
434
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,191
Yes, a good poop.
435
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,692
Good boy. Who made a good poop?
436
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:14,761
-Mom, where's my black dress?
-SAM: What?
437
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,929
-Like, with the neck.
-Check your closet.
438
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,998
No, it's not there,
and I have to go to work.
439
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,733
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm kind of busy
440
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,270
'cause I have to sift through
Chewy's shit right now,
441
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,537
so maybe you can look yourself?
442
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,773
-Ew, Mom. That's disgusting.
-FRANKIE: Yeah,
443
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,875
-and she's probably gonna have
to put him down, too.
-What?!
444
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:30,910
-Frankie!
-He tasted human flesh.
445
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,179
Mom, you can't kill Chewy.
446
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,380
-Nobody's killing Chewy.
-MAX: Mom,
447
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,715
-I'm gonna be late.
-So wear something else.
448
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:38,218
I can't wear something else
'cause I have my period.
449
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:40,320
Max, can you just check
the laundry room
450
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,222
because, I'm sorry,
full disclosure,
451
00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:44,257
I forgot to put the load in
last night.
452
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,259
-Sorry.
-Mom, the laundry?
453
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:48,395
And, Duke,
no one's killing anyone.
454
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,430
-Promise?
-SAM: Yes, I promise.
455
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,432
Chewy's gonna be around
for a long time.
456
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:55,268
Unless that coyote comes back,
you know.
457
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:56,636
MAX:
You know, Mom, if you don't
458
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,205
do the laundry
and we think you are,
459
00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,806
it's kind of messed up.
460
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:00,973
I was counting on that
to be clean.
461
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:03,576
(mockingly):
So sorry.
462
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,445
Oh, my God.
463
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,580
I didn't check the laundry.
464
00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:13,320
(Max sighs)
465
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:14,921
Mom, get out.
466
00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:17,490
Oh, my God. Nothing fits.
I'm so bloated.
467
00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:20,260
I'm sorry that you feel bad,
468
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:23,263
but you have to learn
to rein this shit in, okay?
469
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:26,933
I never took my period out
on anybody the way that you do.
470
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,268
Oh, mm, sorry, Mom.
471
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:29,836
Maybe I should just go, like,
lay down in my trailer,
472
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,438
-right?
-What?
473
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:33,105
This is actual work,
474
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:34,974
Mom. I have to be
on my feet all night.
475
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,243
It's not like some movie set.
476
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,711
Max, I know
you're a little stressed out
477
00:19:38,745 --> 00:19:41,348
and this is your first job,
but that doesn't mean
478
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:44,217
you get to be super shitty to me
whenever you want.
479
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:46,786
Mom, I'm not being super shitty.
You're so dramatic.
480
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:49,055
I can't believe I still have
to put up with this bullshit.
481
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,124
You realize
you live here rent-free, right?
482
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,794
-You do realize that?
-Oh, you want me to go?
483
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:57,464
-I'll go. I am fucking gone.
-Good.
484
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:58,698
The second I save up some money.
485
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,600
You have a paycheck.
What's stopping you?
486
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:01,968
You think I won't?
487
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,303
Goodbye. Good.
488
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:05,538
-Your dirty dress
is in the laundry room.
-My dad
489
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:06,973
said I can live with him
whenever I want.
490
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:09,376
Oh, that old chestnut. Perfect.
491
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,312
-That's great. Go, go. Great.
-Great.
492
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:15,815
-Great. Great.
-Great. Great.
493
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:18,084
You know what
would be great, Max?
494
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:19,819
If you helped me.
495
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:22,522
It would be great
if you helped me.
496
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,657
If you cleaned up
after yourself,
497
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,158
that would be great.
498
00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:28,361
If you helped me
with your sisters,
499
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,962
that would be great.
500
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,331
Kids aren't supposed
to help their mom.
501
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,199
Their mom
is supposed to help them.
502
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,502
Oh, is that the law?
I didn't realize
503
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,970
that I was breaking,
like, the mommy law.
504
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,172
Yeah. And great job
you're doing, by the way, Mom.
505
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,375
You know, Frankie basically does
whatever the fuck she wants,
506
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:45,312
and I-I'm probably gonna
be fired now, so...
507
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:48,014
Oh, yeah. I'm bad. That's bad.
508
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:51,618
-I'm a bad mommy.
-No, you're a disaster, Mom.
509
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:54,387
And you don't always have
to be so hard
510
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:57,156
just 'cause you don't know what
it's like to be a woman anymore.
511
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,861
You cunt.
512
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:05,398
What?
513
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,934
You're a cunt, Max.
514
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,236
-I'm a cunt?
-Yep.
515
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,638
You're a cunt.
516
00:21:11,671 --> 00:21:13,740
You're a cunt.
517
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:16,709
No, Max. You're a cunt.
518
00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:18,778
No, you're a cunt, Mom.
519
00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:20,747
No, you're a cunt, Max.
520
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,248
No, you're a fucking cunt, Mom.
521
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,951
-You're a fucking cunt, Max.
-No, you're a fucking cunt, Mom.
522
00:21:24,984 --> 00:21:26,853
You're a fucking cunt, Max.
523
00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:29,288
You're a big fucking cunt, Mom.
524
00:21:29,322 --> 00:21:30,857
You're a big fucking cunt,
525
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:32,759
your sister's an asshole,
526
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,027
and your other sister's great!
527
00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:36,396
DUKE:
Aw, thanks, Mom!
528
00:21:36,429 --> 00:21:38,331
Love you, Mom!
529
00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:42,769
(breathing heavily)
530
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:44,170
(chuckles softly)
531
00:21:45,438 --> 00:21:47,440
(laughing)
532
00:21:49,275 --> 00:21:51,344
(laughing)
533
00:21:53,546 --> 00:21:55,715
Oh, my God.
534
00:21:55,748 --> 00:21:57,784
(sniffles, chuckles)
535
00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,486
(chuckles)
536
00:21:59,519 --> 00:22:01,253
I'm sorry.
537
00:22:01,287 --> 00:22:02,755
(chuckles):
No.
538
00:22:02,789 --> 00:22:04,491
-I am a cunt.
-No.
539
00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:06,593
I'm a cunt.
540
00:22:06,626 --> 00:22:07,927
No, you're not.
541
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,029
You're the best.
542
00:22:10,062 --> 00:22:12,432
And I am such a cunt.
543
00:22:12,465 --> 00:22:14,133
Well...
544
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:15,502
(chuckles)
545
00:22:15,535 --> 00:22:17,336
(exhales)
546
00:22:17,370 --> 00:22:19,439
My Uncle Sid called me a cunt.
547
00:22:19,472 --> 00:22:20,940
I was nine.
548
00:22:20,973 --> 00:22:23,109
Uncle Sid?
549
00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:25,111
He's dead now.
550
00:22:25,144 --> 00:22:27,647
Fuck you, Uncle Sid.
551
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:35,154
Aw.
552
00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:37,156
I love you.
553
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,258
MAX:
And I love you.
554
00:22:39,291 --> 00:22:41,894
I don't want you to move out.
555
00:22:43,996 --> 00:22:45,532
But I do.
556
00:22:47,099 --> 00:22:48,668
So you shouldn't.
557
00:22:48,701 --> 00:22:51,237
But please move out soon.
558
00:22:51,270 --> 00:22:53,473
But don't.
559
00:22:54,507 --> 00:22:56,342
Oh, wow.
560
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:58,210
What?
561
00:22:58,244 --> 00:22:59,779
I just realized
562
00:22:59,812 --> 00:23:01,981
you're gonna have
to go through this three times.
563
00:23:02,014 --> 00:23:03,983
Oh, Jesus Christ.
564
00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:07,186
* One down *
565
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:10,457
* How many to go? *
566
00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:14,026
* Two down *
567
00:23:14,060 --> 00:23:17,063
* How many till I know? *
568
00:23:18,498 --> 00:23:22,502
* How much can one heart take? *
569
00:23:25,071 --> 00:23:29,075
* How many times
can one heart break? *
570
00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:33,079
* One down *
571
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:39,185
* Stay in love forevermore. *
572
00:23:51,230 --> 00:23:53,199
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
573
00:23:55,234 --> 00:23:56,536
-Mom.
-Yes?
574
00:23:56,569 --> 00:23:58,938
-Okay. I want
a big party this year.
-Serious?
575
00:23:58,971 --> 00:24:01,207
-I want a quinceañera.
-Quinceañera?
576
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,743
We can't do that.
We're too white for that.
We're not allowed.
577
00:24:13,853 --> 00:24:15,121
-(screeches)
-(grunts)
578
00:24:15,154 --> 00:24:17,256
-(farting)
-(groans)
579
00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:18,257
Ow.
580
00:24:22,261 --> 00:24:23,763
Aren't you Lil Dicky?
581
00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:25,565
* Yes, I know
That I'm a rapper *
582
00:24:25,598 --> 00:24:27,399
-* At the end of the day *
-(gasping)
583
00:24:27,433 --> 00:24:30,970
* But I think
It's time you knew me
By my government name *
584
00:24:31,003 --> 00:24:33,239
-* Hi, I'm Dave *
-ANNOUNCER: Dave.
585
00:24:33,272 --> 00:24:35,041
All-new Wednesday at 10:00
on FXX.
586
00:24:35,074 --> 00:24:36,075
And next day, FX on Hulu.
587
00:24:38,344 --> 00:24:39,478
What is Devs?
588
00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:41,814
What is Devs?
589
00:24:41,848 --> 00:24:43,182
What is Devs?
590
00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:45,451
(screams)
591
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,363
Looks like one
of my codpieces.
592
00:24:57,396 --> 00:24:59,766
-Except not as big.
-(chuckling)
593
00:24:59,799 --> 00:25:02,602
What are you waiting for?
Take your instrument,
use my body
594
00:25:02,635 --> 00:25:04,804
and perform your special
blood ritual.
595
00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:07,339
(laughing) Kyle.
596
00:25:07,373 --> 00:25:10,376
(up-tempo folk music)
597
00:25:13,145 --> 00:25:14,180
VOCALIST: Hey!
40282
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