Original subtitles

- Joe Blake and Terry Collins,

this is Lieutenant McCormick

of the Los Angeles Police Department.

Put down your weapons and come out of the bank

with your hands in the air.

- One last big heist.

What a great idea.

Yeah, Joe knows best.

Yes sir-ee Joe knows exactly what he's doing.

Exactly what he's doing,

and what does Joe get me?

Stuck in a bank called the Alamo,

surrounded by the entire Los Angeles Police Department.

Look out there.

- Remember now people,

these guys haven't been prone to violence yet

in any of these incidents, so everyone just stay real calm,

all right?

- Joe Blake and Terry Collins have finally met their match.

I think they're running out of luck very quickly.

I think they need more tricks up their sleeve

than Siegfried and Roy if they think

they're gonna get out of this one.

If you're just tuning in,

we're in front of the Alamo Savings and Loan

right here in Century City.

The place looks like a war zone.

The troops are moving in, the SWAT team is moving in...

- Lau-Tzu says that, "even the softest of things

"can pass through a horse

"like invisible water."

- Thank you for that completely useless

bit of information, Joe.

- You know what your problem is? Huh?

- My problem? Yeah, I'm trapped like a rat.

Destined for an early grave.

Kate Wheeler, you remember Kate.

Traitor, liar, queen of double cross,

empress of deceit.

- Hey duchess, okay, I get your point, all right?

- Oh do you, Joe?

Do you really?

Because as I recall,

I remember warning you in the strongest language possible

that taking on a full-time hostage

was an error of epic proportions.

- We had no choice, okay?

- Yes we did.

Shoot her and bury her body in the woods.

- That was a choice.

- Hey you brought her in, okay?

I recall that.

- You know what, if we'd a let her go,

she'd a gone right to the cops, okay?

So look outside, she did.

That's exactly what she did.

Kate Wheeler is gonna get the thanks

of a grateful nation.

Not to mention a sizable reward.

- We've got shots fired in the location.

- Mark.

- Good evening everybody, I'm Darren Head,

and tonight we have an incredible story for you.

It's a story that's part soap opera, part crime drama.

A story of betrayal and greed.

It's part Bonnie and Clyde.

It's part Barnum and Bailey.

It's a story of Joe Blake and Terry Collins,

the most successful bank robbers

in the history of the United States.

Now, shortly before the bloody shootout,

they took their lives, I had the opportunity

to interview these men in an exclusive interview,

when they broke into my house,

and by gunpoint made me tell their story

from their point of view.

Now the reason I bring this up

is that the footage you're about to see

was shot on a home video camera

by my personal assistant Julia,

so it's a little shaky and a little wobbly,

not exactly professional.

Now what happened to the wide range and exchange,

is Blake and Collins revealed to me

for the first time anywhere

the inside story of the daring robberies

that made them so famous.

24 hours later, Blake and Collins were dead.

Now we have an exclusive, okay, again.

24 hours later, Blake and Collins were dead.

So tonight, on a very special edition

of Criminals at Large,

the inside story, the true story

of the sleepover bandits.

And fade to black.

That was great guys, we're gonna keep that one.

All right.

- Got it.

We use that with the B roll.

- It's ridiculous.

Nobody else has to eat this crap like I do.

Hey, Joe.

Joe!

May I have a word with you please?

Hey, Joe!

It's a violation of my civil rights.

That's what it is.

Cruel and unusual punishment.

Expressly forbidden by the constitution, you hear?

- Prison is supposed to be cruel and unusual, Terry.

That's the whole idea.

- That's not what I'm talking about.

- What are you talking about?

- Garlic.

Warden Carter has banned the sale of fresh garlic

in the commissary because he doesn't like the smell.

You see, Joe.

It's like a, it's a miracle drug.

High blood pressure and arthritis and cancer,

emphysema, allergies, anything.

Garlic is the first line of defense, always.

- Hold on one second, Mario.

- See what I'm saying?

I don't got symptoms.

I don't care what that doctor says.

Maybe now's not a good time to talk about garlic?

Hey, Joe.

You know, don't worry about it.

Once you come down outta the ring,

don't do what I think you're gonna do please.

You remember what I told you, right Joe?

Don't do the...

- You really chipped my tooth, Mario.

For God's sake.

Joe!

Joe, Joe! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Joe, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, Joe!

Joe, anger management!

Anger manage, Joe, Joe!

Joe, Joe, Joe.

Anger management Joe.

Calm down.

Breathe.

- You ever read the Tao?

- I'm sorry?

- You know the guy, Lao...

- There you go.

Lao-Tzu.

I've begged you to stay out of the library.

- You begged me to work on my anger management.

- Yeah, well medication's quicker.

It's much more effective.

- You know what?

I would like to sleep in a comfortable bed tonight.

To have me a cheeseburger,

french fries,

big old chocolate milkshake for dinner.

- Ancient Chinese wisdom?

- No, just hungry.

I definitely chipped my tooth.

- For the love of god!

Does no one else hear that infernal ringing?

Oh yeah sure, go ahead and laugh.

But according to the latest research,

tinnitus, which is what they call it,

that's what I've got in my ear.

I don't make this shit up.

It's an actual disease.

Go ahead and laugh.

Play basketball, have fun, in the meantime,

I've got goddamn Quasimodo goin' off in my head.

Bell tower, you understand me?

I got a bell tower in my head!

- Hey, you the driver of this thing?

- Yeah.

- Pretty easy to drive, is it?

- Pretty easy.

- Joe?

Oh my god, Joe.

What are you doing in the cement truck?

Joe?

Joe?

Joe, what am I doing?

What am I doing?

Why are we in the concrete thing getting shot at?

- Just keep your head down!

- How long have you been planning this?

- Just sorta came up.

Hang on a second.

- Deer!

Don't you think we should be looking for a road?

Joe?

Stop please.

Ma'am, we're gonna need to borrow your car.

- You are?

- Yes, would you just...

Come on, there you go, very nice.

Thank you.

That is a really lovely dress.

- Thank you.

- Come on.

- Thank you.

- Get in the car.

- Okay!

- Ma'am.

- Yes?

- Don't forget your purse.

- Thank you.

- Okay, first things first,

we need, what do we need?

We need clothes.

We need money.

A place to hide.

We better get a new car pretty quick,

I don't feel good about driving down Main Street

wearing clothes that say "inmate".

You know what I mean?

And why are we stopping here?

- This is where they keep the cash.

- What cash?

- Didn't you say something about needing money?

- Well yeah, but I mean, not right now.

Look, Joe, let's just discuss this for a minute, okay?

I mean I know money's on the list,

but it's not at the top of the list.

- Bingo.

- Bingo, what?

What do you mean bingo?

What are you gonna knock over a bank

with a magic marker?

I mean what're you gonna do?

We don't even have a plan.

You have to have some kinda plan to rob a bank.

We're wearing matching denim uniforms

that say "inmate" on them.

Unless these people are blind,

I don't think this is gonna work.

You understand?

- Don't move.

Take out your gun.

Thumb and middle finger on the butt,

hand it to me slowly.

- Here we go, here we go.

Here we go, here we go,

ladies and gentlemen, we'll be out of your way

in just a second.

No phone calls, no alarms please.

Cash drawers open.

Take a bag, fill it with cash,

take a bag, fill it with cash,

cash please.

Ma'am, is there any other cash in the back?

- No.

- Don't touch that phone, sir.

- Are you sure?

Don't touch that.

Are you telling me the truth?

- I'm telling you the truth.

- You look very honest.

Quickly please, thank you, thank you.

- He made no plan whatsoever for this.

- There you go, put that right in there.

I'll take that, thank you.

Thank you.

I'll take that, here we go, here we go,

okay, thank you very much.

There is just never enough time when you're working.

Thank you for your cooperation,

no phone calls, no alarms.

Here we go, come on,

take this.

Sir, in case you need to highlight anything.

Here we go, come on.

Hey, hey, hey, stop, stop!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We need to borrow your car.

- It's mine first, asshole.

- Hey, come on, come on.

This car, no, no, this car.

Get in.

You got the gun?

- No.

- Act regular.

- Chest pain, left arm a little numb,

accelerated heartbeat, spots.

I'm actually seeing spots.

- Hang on.

- You all right?

- My I please go back to prison?

- Not yet.

- Shit.

- What's your name?

- Cheri.

- Zip up your pants, Cheri.

You too.

- I'm Phil.

- So where's your mom, Cheri?

- My mom doesn't live here anymore.

- And your dad?

- Oh, he's fishing for the weekend.

- So your dad left you here all alone?

- Oh no, he thinks I'm at a friend's house.

- And how about you, Scooter?

- I told my folks I had a soccer trip.

- You lied to your parents?

- You're kidding, right?

- No I'm not kidding.

- I'm sorry, who are you guys?

- Hey, you're inmates.

- What'd you say your name was?

- Phil.

- You think there's something funny

about being an inmate, Phil?

We're bank robbers, okay?

- So what's on our mind?

- Paraiso del Mar.

- Paraiso?

- Paradise.

My uncle owns this little hotel on the water

about a hundred miles south of Acapulco.

- That's Mexico.

- Right, that's where they keep Acapulco, Terry.

- But I have sanitation issues, Joe.

- We'll buy the hotel, turn it into a night club and resort.

I could wear a tuxedo, sell margaritas to the tourists.

We could have some fun.

- You'd do that?

I mean, you and me.

- Yeah.

- Partners?

- Partners.

- Tuxedos and margaritas.

- Yeah.

I could run the kitchen.

You could work the room.

It's a high risk business,

but I mean considering the alternatives,

I gotta say, I think that sounds really good.

I just have one question,

how do we pay for it?

- Well, we are bank robbers.

- So where is it?

- Below my belt and above my knees.

- No, you know what I mean.

- You are gonna get us killed.

- Maybe I'll save the day and we'll both be rich and famous

and on TV.

- I think there's a way to do it right, I'm sure of it.

- So where is it?

- In daddy's closet behind the golf clubs.

- All right, I'm going.

- What's the biggest problem every time you rob a bank?

- Getting caught.

- Exactly.

There's guards to shoot at you.

There's tellers to hit alarms,

there's customers to get in the way, right?

Huh?

You need to control the environment.

No guards, no tellers, no customers.

- Yeah, but if you work at night,

you still gotta deal with the alarms.

- But we don't work at night.

- When do you do it, holidays?

- No.

We do it with the bank manager,

in the morning, with the bank manager's keys,

and the bank manager's vault codes.

Because we kidnap him the night before.

I mean think about it,

we pick a town, we pick a bank,

we find out who's in charge,

we pay him a little visit, we spend the night with him

like we are here.

The next morning we all go to work together,

before anybody else gets there.

We take the money and run.

Tuxedos and margaritas, Joe, just like you said.

Life will be like one big sunset.

- Wanna see something neat?

Aim the shotgun at me.

- What?

- Aim it at me.

- Freeze.

- Pretty good.

But first you gotta pump a shell into the chamber.

Like this.

- Neat.

Conversation is over, all right?

- Well I felt good in this collar,

I've always liked this kind of collar,

but you boned me on the pants, Joe.

It's really not fair, it's a low blow.

I picked those pants out for me, I laid them out.

I specifically chose those.

- Well, well, look at you gentlemen.

Are the clothes all right?

Aren't we looking spiffy in plaid?

- Oh he likes plaid.

- Oh, two sugars, right?

- Thank you very much.

- Cheri, we're gonna have to borrow Phil's car.

- Hey!

- Oh that's okay, he doesn't mind.

- The hell I don't!

It's a new transmission.

- So where are we headed?

- Rufus.

- Where's Rufus?

- It's up the road a little ways.

- What's in Rufus?

- Pollard, Harvey Pollard.

What?

Oh you feel the need to shoot?

Go ahead and shoot then.

You feel the need to shoot?

Well go ahead and shoot then.

Oh to hell with it.

Feel the need,

draw.

- Hey!

Ho! Dog!

- Joe!

Joe?

Joe.

I thought you were still in --

- No, no, no, got out early.

Got out early.

Terry, say hello to my cousin Harvey Pollard.

- Glad to know you're any friend of Joe's, man.

What was it, Harry?

- Terry.

- Those are wicked pants.

- So what are you doing?

Workin'?

- Special effects.

Well stunt work primarily.

Well mostly training right now,

damn squibs won't fire.

- We're lookin' for somebody that can handle a car.

- I can do that, why?

- Banks.

- You're foolin' me.

Well hell, Joe.

I'm just the man you're lookin' for.

You want a beer?

- Yeah, I'll take a beer.

- Okay.

Timing malfunction.

Draw!

I'm gonna get a beer.

- He's honest,

and he falls real good.

- Me, I'm gonna make a name for myself in fire.

I've been practicing with gels, you know mostly on my hands,

but I need a suit.

- Harvey, speaking of the job...

- You ever wonder why a man'd set himself on fire

and jump off the top of a twelve story building?

- Gosh, no, I didn't Harv.

- Women love a man who loves danger.

- You guys are talkin' about before

about the front man, you kept mentioning this guy.

Will you explain to the people at home, and to me

what exactly the front man does and who he is?

- Well, well Darren,

the front man handles pretty much everything else

except robbing the bank.

He rents the rooms, he gets the supplies,

the food that, you know, we would eat.

He drives the getaway car.

- Joe and I maintained what you call low profile.

If the front man is never seen in a bank,

we're never seen out of one.

And I plotted all the we'd rob from Oregon to California.

Our first bank on the list was the Oregon City Bank.

- Oregon City Bank.

- So the schedules and the routines

and the bank guards and the tellers, everything.

We got it all down, but mostly we watched our first hostage,

Darill Miller, the bank president, didn't know it yet,

but he was about to spend the night

with the sleepover bandits.

That sounded good, right?

- Yeah, it's pretty...

- Didn't know it yet,

but he was about to spend the night

with the sleepover bandits.

- It's very news worthy.

- I asked him to get me a good mustache,

and he gives me something that looks

like it come out of a Crackerjack box.

- This is not about the mustache.

- Well he got you a good,

he got you a nice wig.

Look at you, you look great.

- You notice the burns?

They're kinda flappin'.

- Hun, can you get the door?

Everybody, dinner in a half hour.

- Howdy.

We're here to rob your goddamn bank.

Now just get in there.

- It's okay, mommy.

- The important thing here...

The important thing,

The important thing is that we spend a quiet night together

and then tomorrow morning, bright and early,

we all go down to the bank together.

It's really a reasonable proposition if you think about it.

- Sure, whatever you say.

- That's the spirit.

- Stop playing with your food, Eric.

- But it's too long.

- Here, next time I want you

to try to wrap it around your fork,

just like daddy does.

- Cut mine, Mom.

- Just a second, honey.

- The sauce is too red.

- It's not too red.

- Yes it is, the sauce is too red.

- You know, actually, Mrs. Miller,

this sauce is quite terrific.

- Really good.

- Isn't it?

- I hate it.

- Thank you.

- What time's the vault set for?

7:30.

- Tomato lemon?

- Mm-hmm.

Lemon zest, oregano, a little cream?

See, I cook a little.

- Keys?

- Two.

I have one,

the operations officer has the other one.

- There's something here I can't identify though.

Is it basil?

- No.

- Rosemary?

No, don't tell me, don't tell me.

- It's not that big of a deal.

- It's saffron.

- Yes.

Yes it's saffron.

- Bingo, I knew it.

You know, sometimes I put a little sugar in mine,

it cuts the acidity.

- Sugar.

- Thank you, I'll try to remember that.

- Little tricks, you know.

- Wanna see something cool that I can do?

- Sure.

- Micah!

- What?

- We've got guests.

Sort of.

You really think you're gonna fool anybody

in that getup?

I mean you look like Neil Young from that,

what was that album after the,

the horses, or...

- It was after the gold rush.

And that's not the one.

It's the one where he's leaning against the tree

in the snow, or whatever.

That's what I was actually going for.

- Getting out of the bank is almost as important

as getting into it.

The hostages were kept under the strictest possible guard

to prevent escape or alarm of any type, you see.

See, we had to bring their kids along,

the Miller children.

- Carpy this is Butane.

You're all clear and ready to rock and roll.

- Please turn your music down, I can't hear a word you said.

- We're ready to rock and roll.

- Thank you.

Okay girls, you just stay right here.

- Everybody should be here in ten minutes.

- What's the all clear?

- What's that?

Washington.

On the inside.

- What?

- George Washington.

When it's all clear, he's facing in.

- Oh, make it all clear, Darill.

Cool.

- Good morning, Darill.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Darill.

- Good morning, ladies.

- Is this a joke?

- No ma'am, this is a bank robbery.

- Hurry it up, it's not a parade, come on.

All righty then.

Just have a seat with everybody else.

This is not gonna take long.

Monica?

- I have to go to the bathroom.

- Okay, no more juice boxes, Chloe.

- Okay.

- If it weren't for the fact that the kids had bladders

the size of hummingbirds, it would have been...

- Well they drank a lot of juice.

- One of these days you're gonna get caught,

it's a very dangerous job.

Aren't you ever scared

and afraid?

- When you know danger the way we do,

I know it like an animal, like a wild animal.

You know what they call me in jail?

- No, I don't.

- The panther.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much

for your cooperation, please make no attempt to escape

because we will be monitoring the police scanners

and we'll kill ya if you do.

- When you're a well oiled machine,

you exude danger.

People fear you,

they fear your presence,

the gun really is secondary.

- Thank you.

- Now listen, we go our separate ways,

two weeks from today, we --

- Klamath falls, right, you take this map, it's on there.

- I wanna go with Joe.

- Wanna go with you.

They're looking for two men.

And that's why we're splitting up

and going solo as planned.

- What am I supposed to do for two weeks?

- You stay outta trouble, try that.

- Well what about the minivan?

- You leave it here.

- Well I like the minivan, it's roomy.

- I appreciate that,

but as it's a stolen minivan,

it's probably better that you leave it here.

- What about my money?

- There's yours right there,

we split it three ways, nothing fancy.

- I'mma buy me a fire suit.

First thing.

I bet I can mail order one out of LA.

- There you go.

- You too, buddy.

Be careful.

- Be careful, stay outta trouble.

- What're you gonna buy with your shares?

- Paradise.

Two weeks, Klamath falls, be careful.

- Joe Blake and Terry Collins, this is Lieutenant McCormick

with the Los Angeles Police Department.

Put down your weapons and come out of the bank

with your hands in the air.

- This could be a bad time,

but I just wanna point out that I did warn you

that that woman was gonna be the ruin of us.

- Right, understood.

But as our future looks rather bleak and miserable,

I suggest we figure out what got us here in the first place.

Which brings us back to that woman.

- The most common symptom of vaginitis

is an abnormal vaginal discharge.

probably from an allergic reaction to mites.

- Gas, shit.

- What is that smell?

- It's a pad thai with Florence fennel.

New potatoes, clam and sour soup with cream and muir pua.

And stuffed quail.

- Kate, I have a dinner tonight.

With clients.

- Tonight?

Oh well, it's just for fun.

- I'm going to the gym, see ya.

Sweetheart?

- Yeah?

- Why don't you go see a movie?

♫ We're livin' in a powder keg

♫ And givin' off sparks

♫ I really need you tonight

♫ Forever's gonna start tonight

♫ Forever's gonna start tonight

♫ Once upon a time I was fallin' in love

♫ Now I'm only falling apart

♫ There's nothing I can do

♫ A total eclipse of the heart ♫

- Oh my god, oh my god!

Are you all right?

Are you okay?

Come on, I'm so sorry.

Come on, hospital, hospital.

Can you wiggle your toes?

- Voices.

Where are the voices?

Are those in?

Wait.

You pull, you pull,

you pull over, you pull over and get out of the car.

- You don't have to get all huffy about it.

- You need to pull the car over.

- Hey, it was an accident.

- Listen, I'll shoot you with this thing.

- Oh go ahead.

Believe me.

- Now listen to me, Miss?

- Kate.

- Kate, I'm a desperate man.

- You don't know the meaning of the word.

Desperate is when you wake up in the morning

and you wish you hadn't.

It's knowing that every time you get behind the wheel

of a car you're only a tree away from ending

the empty charade that your life has become.

So don't talk to me about desperate.

- Listen, on second thought,

why don't you just pull over and let me out right here.

Thank you for the lift.

I'll be fine.

- I'll just walk from here.

Why?

- I'm feeling very fragile at the moment,

I don't think I should be alone.

- You're insane!

- I'm unhappy.

It's not the same thing.

- Hey, I'm a fugitive from justice.

I'm a dangerous criminal.

- Oh, well that explains the hijacking.

- You hit me!

- You can't expect to step in front of a moving automobile

and make it stop.

- Yes you can!

I've seen it done.

- Would you not yell at me?

- Well can you slow down or something?

I'm gonna get outta here.

I'll jump.

That's what I'm gonna do.

How do you unlock this door?

Push a button.

Unlock this door!

- So, where you headed?

I'll drop you.

I mean you're in no shape to drive.

So you're a fugitive, huh?

What'd you do wrong?

- Everything.

- Your global positioning system is rerouting.

- Where's that coming from?

What is that?

Between the second set of trees,

the second set of trees right here.

- Look at me, I'm on fire!

- Just don't ask.

- What the hell is this?

- Kate, Paul Bunyan, Paul, Kate.

- Kate?

- I ran outta gas.

- And?

- And she hit me.

With her car.

- Okay.

She hit you with her car.

What the hell'd you bring her out here for?

- Well one, I had no choice.

Two, I may have suffered a slight concussion.

And three, she's mentally unbalanced

to a spectacular degree.

- I can hear you.

- I tried to escape, she wouldn't stop.

I almost jumped from a speeding car, Joe.

You hear me?

I had double vision.

What was I gonna do?

- Your left eye is a fraction darker than your right one.

- Nobody ever noticed.

- I'm Joe.

- I'm Kate.

Oh, what happened to your tooth?

- Okay, why don't you just get on your way, okay?

Act like you never met us,

and send us a postcard from Crazy Town.

- Can I stay here?

It's just that I don't know where else to go.

It'll only be one night.

Please?

- I'm not sure we can do that.

- Absolutely no way.

That's not possible.

- I can't go home.

I can't.

I could go to the police.

I mean, what's to stop me leading them

straight to your hideout?

What are you hiding from anyway?

I mean, he wouldn't tell me.

He's very, very discreet.

- Come here, Joe.

Come here.

- What are you, what's with the pulling?

- This is a very, very bad idea.

In the history of bad ideas, this is a humdinger.

Okay?

- She's right about the police.

- Shoot her, bury her body in the woods.

- What am I?

Invisible?

- She says she doesn't have any place to stay.

- That's none of our business.

- Well it is now that you brought her here, isn't it?

- Well I needed a ride, okay?

I mean there I was sprawled out on the asphalt.

Okay?

You know the hardest thing about being smart?

- No.

- I always pretty much know what's gonna happen next.

There's no suspense.

And don't think I didn't see the look in your eye over there

and feelin' her little hair and all that kinda stuff.

I'm implementing a 24 hour rule from now on, okay?

It's in effect.

24... 24 hours and not a minute longer, missy.

- Thank you.

- Missy?

- Hey, I'll cook dinner.

- I cook the dinners around here.

- Sorry, not familiar with the outlaw code.

Does that mean I'm a hostage?

- Hotel remodeling, real estate...

I've estimated $20,000 for the kitchen alone.

I mean we're talking about restaurant quality here.

And that's not to mention the nightclub.

- You know, I got a crippled cousin up in New Hampshire,

who's going in for her seventh operation

on her leg, okay?

I got my mother's people up in Ottawa,

the aunts and the uncles.

These bills add up Terry, okay?

- Listen, I'm duly impressed by any and all

charitable contributions.

How crippled?

- Did you know you could bet on Irish hurling?

- Hey, hey, hey, excuse me Harvey.

I'm trying to figure out why my partner here,

When he wasn't helping improve the Blake family

standard of living, managed to spend $200,000.

- I met a very lovely young lady from the Netherlands

- Oh, color me surprised.

- Who took me to this Octoberfest deal,

and they had a big parade,

and she wanted to ride on one of the floats, okay?

So I bought her one.

Now we're drinking these big steins of Holland beer,

and one thing leads to another

and I'm throwing $50 bills out to the crowd.

- The thing about Irish hurling is that it's like football

with sticks.

- Stop it.

Stop it!

Please, for god's sake, Pollard.

Okay?

Okay, you meet a girl, you go to a festival.

- Octoberfest.

- Yeah, Octoberfest, you throw $50 bills to the crowd.

I noticed you got a new gold watch.

- This is an 18 carat gold watch.

- I don't give a shit how many carats it is.

- 36 grand, it's no big deal.

- Did you ever think about asking someone for the time?

It's a lot cheaper.

Anything else?

- Well yeah, we stayed a couple days

longer than I thought we were gonna down in San Diego,

and I had to get her back to the Netherlands,

so I chartered a private jet to take her home.

- Oh, of course you did.

The Netherlands.

Joe...

- What?

- Listen,

let me try to explain something to you.

Paradise doesn't come cheaply, okay?

Now I figured this down to the last nickle.

Now, and here's the important part,

every nickle that we spend, is a nickle

that we have to steal.

Now that's a lot of nickles, Joe.

I don't wanna rob banks for the rest of my life.

The stress level is just too damn high.

Harvey?

Joe?

Dinner's almost ready.

- Well this is not bad.

It's a little...

It's a little chewy, but...

You boys ever eat and talk at the same time?

- We used to.

- So, what sort of work do you do?

- Bank robbery.

Well they rob banks, I drive the getaway car.

- Harvey,

that's enough, Harvey.

you're not the...

The guys who go to the bank manager's house,

you know, the night before and you --

- They do, I drive the getaway car.

- Harvey!

- God.

- You're the sleepover bandits.

Oh my god, you're practically famous.

- The sleepover bandits?

That's us?

- Don't you watch criminals at large?

You should.

You're watching you.

- You're astounding, Harvey.

- So...

You rob banks.

That's impressive.

What, it's little old lady savings accounts

and cub scout dues and homeless orphan Christmas funds?

Is that what?

- We never stole a penny from anybody who earned it, lady.

That money's federally insured by the government.

The government steals money from people

and we just take it back from them.

- Anymore questions?

Kate?

- Got a spare toothbrush?

Didn't have time to pack.

God, nobody could be that sick.

- Put that down.

- May I?

- What are you doing here?

- Cleaning my teeth.

- I mean manic depression,

delusion, I understand all that.

It's very impressive, but...

Do you know how many germs are on your finger?

That kinda defeats the purpose.

- Well if you don't give me a toothbrush,

I don't have much option, do I?

- I don't think you're crazy at all, you know that?

I think you're bored.

I think you're bored with your life,

and you're expecting that some miracle's gonna drop

out of the sky and suddenly make everything better.

Or at least hopeful, because you lost hope a long time ago.

And your marriage sucks.

But I'm sorry Kate, we can't help you.

- You don't know me.

You only think you do.

- You're joking.

- Saw it in a movie.

- How does it end?

- With a wedding.

- Beavers and ducks!

- Suckers.

I'm not waiting for anything to fall out of the sky.

I'm not bored, I'm angry.

Maybe he's right and I'm running out of hope.

It's not entirely my fault.

It's just I picked the wrong life.

- The valley spirit is a woman.

Use her root at the gateway of heaven

and it will never fail.

- What the hell is that supposed to mean?

- Not a clue.

I'm hoping it means figure out what you want

and just take it.

- Oh please.

- Well like robbing a bank.

- Like that, yeah.

- If only life were that simple.

I don't know what to do.

I'm always in the dark.

- We're living in a powder keg givin' off sparks.

- Once upon a time I was falling in love.

Now I'm only falling apart.

- Nothin' I can do, total eclipse of the heart.

- Once upon a time there was light in my life,

now there's only love in the dark.

- Nothin' I can do,

total eclipse of the heart.

- Oh my god.

Give me a break.

- Turn around bright eyes.

- I can’t believe you know that song.

- Yeah, Bonnie Tyler.

Total eclipse of the heart.

It's the ultimate sappy chick song.

- It's not a sappy chick song.

- It's very sappy --

- No, it's not, please don't argue,

I'm having a really hard day.

- This is the song that all girls --

- It is an epic haiku to the complexity --

- What?

- It's a haiku to the complexity of love.

- It's also pretty embarrassing for guys.

When that song was out, I used to listen to it on the radio.

I have to admit, I get a little misty.

- Really?

- Yeah, a little bit.

And...

I would appreciate it if you didn't mention that to anyone.

- I won't tell a soul.

- Thanks.

- Oops.

- It's all right, I'll get it.

No, no, stay...

You know what song jacked me up when I was a kid?

The song about the pony Wildfire on its own.

- Oh I love that pony song.

I love all pony songs.

- Really?

- Yeah.

It's the one that goes

♫ Ride, pony, ride ♫

- That's mustang sally,

close, it's a horse.

- Wasn't the pony called Sally?

- No, this pony was called wildfire.

He busted down the stall.

♫ Busted down the stall ♫

You don't remember that?

They called him Wildfire.

- Joe?

- Yeah?

- I think I know what I want.

- Wait.

- Joe, the 24 hour rule is all that stands

between us and chaos.

Are you listening to me?

We're at kind of a crossroads here,

and I want you to be very clear about my meaning.

- I'm changing the 24 hour rule, okay?

- No, no, no.

You don't understand.

She's a missing person.

Missing, meaning that someone's looking for her.

You get it?

- I'm changing the 24 hour rule.

- May I help you?

- Oh, I'm sorry, we're here to rob your bank.

What the hell's that?

- It's a disorder that affects your ability

to regulate sleep and wakefulness.

- I thought he was dead.

- No, that's cataplexy.

A secondary symptom.

Sudden loss of voluntary muscle control.

- I just have one question,

why now?

- Well, in Larry's case, emotional stress

is the primary igniter.

- Do you have a guest bedroom here, ma'am?

We're just gonna step right over here

in the manager's office, go ahead.

- You never know what's gonna happen during a robbery.

That's the thing.

- There's always a surprise of some kind.

You know, beyond your control.

But I mean the thing is that you have to remain calm

under pressure, and think on your feet.

- No, no I'm just saying, it seems a little silly

falling asleep during a bank robbery.

- Well it may appear silly to you,

but there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

- Done.

I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous.

- It's okay, Larry.

Nothing to be nervous about.

- You see, my body chemistry

is extraordinarily sensitive to suggestion.

Any symptom can be manufactured

given the right circumstances,

and that, by the way, doesn't mean it isn't real.

Jesus, this stuff is hot.

- Go get Mrs. Fife.

- So I met this girl,

and you know I wanted to impress her,

so I said, you wanna see me light my hands on fire?

You know, because I bet you never seen

anything like that before.

And she said, well what about your head?

- Your head?

- Yeah, my head.

I ain't got the proper gear for that kinda stunt.

At least not yet.

I said no way, but she wouldn't listen, you know?

Flaming hands wasn't enough.

She wanted to see me set my head on fire.

- So what'd you do?

- Singed off half my hair.

- A little bit more, sweetheart, there you go.

- Is he coming around?

- Because we really need him to come around.

- He's comin'.

- You understand?

We don't have much time, this is ridiculous.

A nervous breakdown here.

- Guys, we have a problem,

you got multiple bogies at nine o'clock.

- What the hell is that?

- It's the drive up window.

Someone's at the drive up.

- At eight o'clock in the morning?

- What do we do?

- Nothin'.

- I'm tellin' you, you act too eager like that,

Dottie's never gonna give you a second look.

Women do not respond to needs.

- It's the police.

Good morning.

- Where's Dottie?

- Who?

- The drive up girl.

- Oh I'm sorry, Dottie, yes, of course.

She's sick.

- Sick with what?

- Vaginitis.

She's been suffering from

an abnormal vaginal discharge.

It's a common symptom, a viscous fluid,

usually associated with

well, vaginitis.

It's usually associated with...

- All clear, Bubba.

You all right?

- That was great.

- Yeah.

Why a college parking lot?

- Always lots of cars around.

Even in the morning.

- Leave the Jaguar here.

No gambling.

I'll see you at Tonopah in two weeks,

you understand?

- You hear me?

- He'll get tired of her.

It just takes time, you'll see.

- I don't know, Kate's a special lady.

- Kate is an iceberg waiting for the Titanic.

- Has anybody seen Kate Wheeler?

Local authorities are investigating the possible connection

between the missing woman

and the latest in the series of bank robberies

committed by the sleepover bandits.

Wheeler vanished just 24 hours before the robbery

of the San Andreas Bank.

Her abandoned automobile was discovered a short distance

from the automobile belonging to bank manager,

Lawrence Fife.

But a much bigger question remains unanswered, people.

Who exactly are these mystery men?

In a related development, a federal task force

has been assemble to try to piece together

this whole mystery.

Is there a connection between the missing woman

and the sleepover bandits?

Is Kate Wheeler associated with the sleepover bandits

or is she part of the gang?

We'll keep you updated, right here,

as this whole story unfolds,

on Criminals at Large.

- Harvey?

- Yeah.

- Do you remember what I said about conspicuous behavior?

- Keepin' a low profile.

- Are you achieving it, do you think?

- You bet.

- Good boy.

- What do you think of my boots?

- Very life-like.

Hey!

19!

We'll be right there.

Just so you know, I got a bee up my ass about you two.

Congratulations, Kate.

You're a famous missing person.

Practically a TV star.

Different for you, bad for us.

You see, we pretty much try to keep ourselves

out of the spotlight whenever possible.

- Nobody saw me,

barely left the room.

- Go home!

- No.

- Yes!

Joe.

- It's up to Kate.

- What do you mean it's up to Kate?

- Relax Terry, we went shopping!

Bought me my first disguise.

- You went shopping?

- Yeah we went shopping, what's the big deal?

Man.

- We have a wig.

We have a hat.

For those long sunny days on the lamb.

- I don't care about it.

- Hey!

What happened to Kate?

- You made a joke.

- Oh that's cute, they made a little love joke.

So Joe, is she worth it?

I mean in theory,

isn't one woman just like the next?

So I was just wondering,

you know, is she worth it?

- She's got saliva in her mouth.

- Of course she's got saliva in her mouth,

everybody does, it's glandular.

- She's got more.

- Really, how much?

- A lot.

Well that sounds like some sort of tumor

in the parotid gland.

You know rabies is transferred that way through saliva.

- Terry.

No one has ever kissed me like that before.

Ever.

- Law enforcement officials have finally discovered

the identities of the sleepover bandits.

Joe Blake and Terry Collins

escaped from an Oregon state penitentiary

just three months ago.

Today, for the first time, ever,

Blake and Collins were added to both the FBI

and the Federal Marshal's top ten most wanted list.

And not only that, but a half a million dollar reward

was offered for their capture.

The identities of these modern day Robin Hoods

were first confirmed by two teenage hostages

who were taken after the amazing prison break.

- Darren, there they are.

- Are you hurt?

- Did they tie you up?

- No, they were really nice.

We ate pizza and played video games.

- Did they take anything?

- Yeah, they took my car.

- They didn't do anything,

they were very nice.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you so much for your cooperation.

Please make no attempt to escape

as we will be monitoring the police scanner

and we'll kill you if you do.

Thanks again for your cooperation.

- Bye Joe, bye Terry.

- That's great, bye Joe, bye Terry.

Did you hear that?

- Harvey?

Harvey?

Harvey!

Aren't we supposed to be following the guys

to the rendezvous?

- Pink.

- Pink boots.

- Number one lesson how to get a girl,

play hard to get.

Let's go...

- Do you think she needs a ride?

- No.

- I think she needs a ride.

- I think I need a ride.

Let's go.

Accelerate and go.

Go!

Is this the only road?

- Don't worry, we'll find them.

You just rest your little head young lady.

- Here they are.

It's okay.

We got 'em.

All righty!

We thought we lost you!

- Joe!

- You are so cute, you are really cute!

- Harvey! There's a truck.

- Dispatch, you better call 911.

We've got a major accident here,

we're probably gonna need an ambulance.

- Look at the condition of things.

It's just...

I don't think they should probably even move us.

I'm not sure we should even be moving at all.

I mean we should be like

restrained.

We're in Scotland with a bunch of sheep?

I don't know what this is all about.

- Hey.

You all right?

Are you all right?

- I need a stabilizing collar,

you probably do too.

You can't just,

we shouldn't even be moving around.

And now there's sirens in my head.

I probably have a concussion.

- Do you understand?

- That's not your head.

Listen, those are --

- You hear them too?

- Yeah, it's the police.

We should go, come on.

Let's go right now.

- Oh, well...

Oh sirens!

- Come on down here, hey!

- Listen, yeah, like real sirens.

You need to go up.

Listen to me.

Listen to me,

you gotta get Kate and get outta here now.

I'll get the money, all right?

- Are you okay?

- You okay?

- Go with Terry and get out of here now!

Hey, go with Terry now!

- The police!

The police!

- I know, go with Terry now!

Go, just go on!

Terry, that's Kate right there, take her.

- The police!

- Do you hear sirens, because I still hear sirens.

Are they real or not?

- Calm down, Joe will know what to do.

- Joe and Pollard are long gone by now.

- His car's still here.

- Well he can get another car.

As a matter of fact, he can get another girl.

- He wouldn't leave without me.

- Kate, memo to yourself.

Joe is not exactly the flowers and hearts kinda guy

if you haven't noticed,

and when it comes to running from the police,

you don't figure into his thinking

or mine either, okay?

- Well I'm not leaving without him.

- Suit yourself.

- Well what're you gonna do?

- What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you exactly what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna flee from the scene of a crime

in the nick of time, that's what I'm gonna do.

And I'm gonna give myself a couple of weeks

to get my heart rate back to normal

and then, I'm gonna join Joe at the other bank, okay?

That's what I'm gonna do.

- Well I'm going with you.

- You stay away from me, forever.

- You are one lucky fella.

- I am?

- I got the last room in town.

- But that won't do, I need two rooms.

- No such thing,

you see all those cars out there?

It's a Debbie Day cosmetic convention.

I've never seen so much pink in my goddamn life.

It's a hell of a thing to do to an automobile.

- Right, I don't care what it is,

I have to have two rooms.

- Do you want the room or not?

- You asleep?

- No, this weeble wobble song,

or whatever it is.

scared me half to death.

You?

- I keep wondering where Joe was.

Is.

- Joe pretty much just likes to have a good time,

a good time basically.

- Alone?

- You know Joe,

cultural events, museums, that kinda thing.

He's a very dedicated traveler.

- He's not alone.

My husband is a terrible kisser.

- That's random.

Like how, what do you mean?

- The first time, you know, he took me to a movie.

Well he brought me home and I'm standing at the front door,

you know, waiting.

For the inevitable.

He looms, I'm thinking okay.

About time,

and then he...

He just comes at me with his mouth, just opened so...

Oh god, it was really wide.

It's not funny.

I actually, I tried to adjust to the kiss size.

It was huge.

I dislocated my jaw.

It still clicks.

You can't hear that?

- Kinda.

Can I hear it once?

- It's really loud.

- Oh yeah, baby.

I mean that's loud.

- He dislocated my jaw and I still married him.

I don't know the first thing about love.

I know I look like I do, but I...

I don't, not really.

- Love is a wish that hides in your heart

and nobody knows about it but you.

Love is blinding.

An eternity in a single moment.

A religion worth dying for.

I mean, it's also time-consuming.

- Yeah.

- And you know, a pain in the ass and a hole in the heart

and that sorta thing.

Not necessarily that order, but...

I'd like to think it is in that order, really.

- Bless you.

Gesundheit.

Many happy returns --

- Oh this is gonna be one of those.

- Really?

Do you want me to scare you?

- No, that's for, isn't that for --

That's not...

- Don't be frightened.

I'm just trying to block the flow of --

- You're not helping.

You're not helping!

- I'm sorry.

Did I scare you?

A bit hard there.

You're dribbling a bit, but you're,

you're not sneezing.

- I have food allergies.

- Tell me about it.

- And other phobias.

- Like what?

- Like descrophobia...

- What's that?

- Well I was in high school...

It's a fear of getting smaller.

I lost two inches in six months.

I mean that's quite...

- Terry, you're still here.

- And antique furniture scares me half to death.

- What's that called?

- Well I don't think there's a name for it,

I believe I'm the only one.

Anything before 1950 just...

gives me the heebeegeebees.

- Benjamin Disraeli's hair is,

there's a problem there.

I'm afraid of Charles Lotton, actually.

Black and white movies.

Black and white movies?

- I just can't eat in front of them.

- I can't either.

- You know what?

I think it's better to

feel too much than feel too little.

- I never thought of it that way.

- Oh no, you're blinking again.

- It's just a...

- Can I just...

- Ventromedial anomaly.

- Maybe if I...

Is that okay?

- You see there's this neural factory between the eyes.

- Between the eyes?

- Sort of right in the...

- Exactly.

- Okay.

Yeah, I can...

- That kinda thing.

Out going, to the nervous system, that kinda thing.

Embarrassment, fear.

- Oh it's big, yeah.

- Love, hate.

- That's a biggie.

- Oh my god.

- There's this scientist in London

who used electric shock

to prove that cockroaches have feelings.

- Terry, you're not a cockroach.

More like a beaver.

- A beaver?

- In a good way.

In a cute way.

- I feel like a cockroach.

I mean that's assuming that cockroaches

are capable of making mistakes to blow apart

the world they live in.

- Well if you're a cockroach,

what does that make me?

- Dangerous.

- They're here.

Were we ever wonderin' about you two guys.

We were wonderin' and wonderin' and wonderin'.

Hey Joe!

- Hi.

Welcome back.

Missed you.

- We missed you too.

Joe, can I talk to you

for a minute in private?

Be right back.

'Cause god knows it's a shock to me.

It was more like a revelation of some kind.

And yet shocking.

Like a shocking revelation.

- I was right about Kate's kisses, wasn't I?

Hm?

- Let me keep her, okay?

I mean, even if you kill me, I don't give a shit.

I just wanna know what it feels like

to have her to myself before I die, okay?

- I'm not gonna do that.

- Why Joe?

I mean, remember, this is like a hobby to you.

It happens to you all the time.

It sorta makes you feel like a million bucks.

- No way.

- But it never happens for me.

Not once, Joe.

Not once has this ever happened for me.

Do you understand the significance of that?

- Yeah.

- You do?

So we agree.

- We let Kate choose, right?

- No, no, no, of course not.

That's a terrible idea.

That's a horrible idea.

Because she'll choose you.

- Are you boys sure you don't want

to kick my tires first?

Could arm wrestle.

Or flip a coin.

- You know, if it's best four out of seven...

- Unless, unless you think these are incredibly shallow

solutions to a complicated problem

that may require a little bit of delicacy and understanding.

- Yeah, that, the last part.

- Maybe you're right, Kate.

You should choose.

So choose, what's it gonna be?

Is it gonna be Mr. action figure hero guy here?

Or brains and sensitivity and a lot of other things

I could name.

In other words, me or that guy.

- Yeah, good lookin' or itchy?

- What if I don't want to?

- Don't wanna what?

- Choose.

- You have to choose.

What are you talkin' about?

- That's the point, right?

- I know this is confusing, I mean believe me,

I'm a little confused myself.

- You stole my girl?

You take her away for two weeks

and you brainwashed her.

Brainwashed!

- Hey! Would you stop it?

Stop it!

You're getting his coat dirty.

- Coat?

I mean look at me, hello.

Would you look at me just for a second?

I ran away with bank robbers.

Now that's a strange choice, but it's understandable

given my state of mind.

But then what do I do?

I sleep with bank robber number one,

because he's strong,

and he...

- Handsome.

And he knows what he wants.

- There you go.

Makes sense to me.

- I don't stop there.

Oh no, not this little red head.

Due to circumstances beyond the boundaries

of any life I've ever known, I sleep with bank robber

number two.

And he is sweet,

and smart...

- Cute as a beaver.

- Yeah.

And he deserves more than he thinks he does.

- Exactly.

- Now the heart's a mysterious organ.

And it, you know, plays by its own rules.

I don't wanna choose.

You know, I don't think I can.

You know, if that's scary or against the laws

of, you know, man or whatever, then...

I mean, you're outlaws, right?

So...

I guess I'm an outlaw too.

- Okay, so Harvey, you should park

in this alley right here, toward this end, see?

By the corner of this building,

we'll be heading by the building.

There's a door right here.

- And I look up and I see these two cars

headed, you know, right by each other,

and they collide, right?

And there's this red headed woman

that's there, and she's getting hauled off

into the other car.

- The Novato, California teenager

had no way of knowing he was about to capture

the stunning footage of the sleepover bandits

and the missing woman, Kate Wheeler.

In this Criminals at Large exclusive.

The missing woman's husband taped a plea to the men

who hold his wife hostage.

- Please, wherever you are,

return my wife to me.

Kate, if you're listening,

I want you to know that

I'm okay.

I hope you're holding up well,

I hope these gentlemen are treating you correctly

in the way you should be treated,

and speaking of which,

I'm going to Spain next week,

so if your kidnappers

would like to contact me,

they can get in touch with my people

and you know who they are,

and the house is waiting for you, right here.

Where you belong.

And...

And the house misses you, I miss you.

I miss...

- You have no idea where I belong.

- You belong here.

- Yeah, with us.

- We'll buy the restaurant,

turn it into a nightclub and resort.

- A nightclub?

- Yep.

- And Joe'll work the room,

and I'll run the kitchen, naturally.

- We'll have a spa or something.

- What does a lady like me do in paradise?

Don't be rude.

- You can do whatever you want.

You do whatever you want.

- Whatever I want?

- Drink margaritas, get your toes painted.

- You pick it.

What would you say if you could do anything,

what would it be?

- Whatever I want?

Whatever you want.

- All right.

I wanna sing.

- Sing?

- Well we need a singer.

We need a singer for the nightclub,

we talked about that.

- Talked all about it, yeah.

- Do you wanna....

- You're gonna sing right now?

- Do you want me to sing for you?

- Come on.

- Okay.

- There it is.

All right, come on.

- Okay, an oldie but a goodie.

♫ If you see me walkin' down the street

♫ And I start to cry

♫ Each time we meet

♫ Walk on by

♫ Just walk on by

♫ Make believe that you don't see my tears

♫ Just let me grieve in private

♫ 'Cause each time I see you

♫ I break down and cry

♫ So walk on by ♫

- Hi.

- How are you feeling?

- Well my system's been a flurry of activity tonight,

first I had a rapid heartbeat, seeing spots,

I had a prickling sensation in my feet,

then there was a sudden hearing loss in one ear.

- Oh, that's not what I mean.

- Kate, there are guys who leave

and there are guys who get left.

I don't think it's any mystery as to

which category I fall into.

- Terry Lee, I'm not leaving you.

- You're staying?

- Yeah.

Good night.

- Good night?

That's not staying, that's going.

Where are you going?

- Did I get the secret knock right?

- Yeah, it was perfect.

- I really missed you when you were away.

Good night.

- Hey, you wanna talk about headaches,

my brother Albert had a horrible headache.

- Migraines?

- No, brain tumor.

Smelled burning feathers for a whole year.

- You're joking.

- No, the tumor was pressing

on some gland or something --

- Olfactory gland.

- Olfactory gland, yeah that's it.

And apparently it affects your sense of smell.

- Burning feathers?

- Yeah.

Did he smell them all the time?

- All the time, 24 hours a day.

- Burning feathers, great.

Were there any other symptoms?

- Hot damn, I knew it!

You're the boys from TV.

The sleepover bandits.

I guess that means I'm a hostage.

Well you'd better come on in.

We gotta get started, come on, come on.

- Jesus.

- Could you do me a favor?

Could you look at my pupils

and tell me if they're the same?

Are they different sizes are they the same?

- I'm not a doctor.

- Please humor me.

- Well the right one looks smaller.

- Jesus Christ, don't tell me that.

- You asked.

- Do you smell burning feathers?

- No.

- I have a brain tumor, I know I do.

- What?

- Yeah, there he told me my pupils are different sizes.

- You're kidding me.

- Mm-hmm.

- Jesus.

First my brother, and now you?

- God.

- Pink.

- Harvey!

Harvey!

- Hey!

- What do you mean, no?

- That's what I said, no.

Good manners are no excuse for criminal behavior.

I am not opening the safe.

I am not giving you the money.

- You know we're armed, right?

- Oh you wouldn't hurt a flea, Joe.

Everybody knows that.

- I'm stumped.

How about you?

- Just give us a little bit of the money, be reasonable.

100 grand of it is ensured by the government.

Hey, just get back there.

Go on, just get back there.

- What the hell's wrong with you?

- My bank.

- I'm guessing there's a good reason for this.

- Oh it's the missing woman!

I almost forgot!

- There's police outside.

- Where's Harvey?

- I don't know.

- Will you get back there please ma'am?

- Do you know where the bathroom is?

- I'm sorry to bother you Mrs. Conner,

but it's after eight o'clock

and you haven't turned the sign on yet,

and I figured maybe you just forgot the all clear again.

- Aww, Edgar, aren't you sweet?

Well I'll get right on that.

- Say, you know,

I was wondering, I sure could use some help with some cash,

and since I'm here...

- Sure, since you're here.

Come in officer.

Right this way.

- Hello.

- Fifty bucks okay?

- You've been very successful.

What do you attribute that to?

- Courage, it takes a lot of that.

- This is 500.

These are hundreds.

Bank error in your favor.

Game board ten joke think.

- Surprise.

- It's funny I...

I think I seen you someplace before.

- It's my face, you know, I have an average face.

You know how people think

you look like every man.

- I don't know, thanks Mrs. Conner.

- Have a good day.

- Wait, wait, wait, I forgot my glasses.

- Terry has the keys.

- Terry!

- Come on, come on, get in this cop car.

- Where are they, where are they?

- That way.

It might have been that way, but outside, yes.

- Stop, stop, stop the car!

Police emergency!

Just go!

- We can't just leave him there.

- There's nothin' we can do for him now.

- Well he'd go back for you if he had to.

- Don't be so sure about that.

- Joe, this is Terry we're talking about.

Remember your friend Terry?

- That's it, that's them.

- Found Pollard.

You know, Darren, I mean I gotta be honest with you.

It's not that difficult.

You walk in, you ask for the money, you walk out.

- Listen, I don't wanna rush you,

but this would probably be a good time

to make your getaway.

- Let's go, come on!

- Get away from him, get away from him!

- Thank you!

- Dispatch, this is Lincoln Six,

we have an armed robber.

- Is it not enough that every cop in the western states,

along with every mouth breathing reporter

is on our ass?

Do you have to sabotage us from within?

- I didn't do it on purpose.

- That's not the point.

The point is you're dangerous.

And you're dense and you're stupid.

You're fired.

- No way, I quit.

- Harvey.

- Call it what you want.

- Well he's right.

You know?

I'm not a bank robber.

I'm a stunt man.

Besides, you don't need me.

You got Kate.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

I quit.

- You coulda put us back in jail, Harvey.

- I'm sorry, Joe.

Maybe I'll see you guys in Mexico.

- Okay.

- Nice car.

- It's not mine, I stole it.

- What are you gonna do now?

- Drive it to Hollywood.

- Yeah, why?

- I'm gonna start a band.

- Oh.

- Do you wanna come with me?

- No.

- Hey Terry?

- Yeah?

- Remember when I told you about my brother?

The one with the brain tumor?

Was always smelling burning feathers?

- It's emblazoned on my brain forever.

- You know he never quit.

He never gave up trying, right to the very end.

- Hey Joe?

I know just how he feels.

Good night, Joe.

- You guys, you guys, I mean you've been together

for quite a while,

do you consider yourself good friends still?

- Oh sure, absolutely.

- I mean people say there's no honor among thieves,

totally wrong, right Joe?

- Totally wrong.

Darren, it's like Lois and Clark.

You got Lois,

he's stuck somewhere out there in Africa,

lost in the African wilderness,

and Clark, Al Clark I think his name was,

he drops what he's doin' and he goes to find him.

He goes to find Lois and you know why?

Because of friendship, that's why.

- For god's sake, Joe.

It was Stanley and Livingston, not Lois and Clark.

You see Lois and Clark tried to find the northwest passage

with the help of this statuesque Indian, but she probably --

- But they were friends, okay?

- Of course they were.

- He was asking us about friendship,

you always gotta correct me.

- I'm sorry, you're right.

- You're up.

- Well I couldn't sleep.

I was thinking that maybe you and I could

- Where's Joe?

- He's asleep, sound asleep.

- Terry?

- He is, he's sound asleep.

If we could maybe come down to this

bar down here at the thing,

and then maybe just sit there and have a nightcap

or something like that.

- It's a little late, don't you think?

- No, gosh, not at all.

Live, you know.

Act like it's the last, most important thing

you'll ever do in your life.

Please?

- All right, I'll just get a coat.

- Okay.

- I love this song.

- Actually, I never heard it before, so...

I have to press A1 on these things.

It's an obsessive compulsive thing.

It's a pretty song though,

I've played it six times.

Just run away with me, Kate, please.

I'll just get in the car, and we'll just drive

and drive and drive and drive,

and then we'll stop at the perfect place

and we'll stay there for as long as we want to,

and then we'll get back in the car

and then we'll drive and drive and drive and drive,

and we'll find another perfect place.

I'm just...

This is kinda sudden, isn't it?

- This is crazy.

- Well not to me it isn't.

- I need a whiskey.

Can I have a whiskey?

Please?

And a vodka, please?

And a glass of milk.

- Uh oh, right side problem of some sort.

God I hope I don't have a brain tumor.

- Hi Terry.

How's it going?

- Hi Joe.

- What's goin' on?

- Not much, just...

- You here by yourself?

You okay?

- I'm having trouble feeling my lips a little.

- They're not numb, are they?

- A little bit numb.

- Oh boy.

- Joe.

I thought you were asleep.

- Yeah, I was asleep.

- He woke up.

- Anybody wanna dance?

- No, I don't think so.

- Not me...

I'm not really a dancer.

- Terry?

- I'd rather not, Kate.

- She's got her dancing clothes on.

- Have fun.

- Oh yeah, just fine.

- You're kinda tilted.

- Yeah well...

Actually I'm very very light on my feet.

- Yeah.

- Oh yeah, all right,

pretty good dancing, there you go.

- Looking good, Terry.

- Such a pretty song.

Dance with me, Kate.

Maybe you should do this.

- What honey?

- Mind if I cut in?

- Yeah, sure.

I've lost the beat.

- Don't you think we should...

- No, no, he'll be fine.

Just take a little rest.

- You guys just go right ahead.

- Come here.

Run away with me Kate.

We could get in the car and just drive

and drive and drive.

- What? That is a great idea.

What about Mexico?

- Mexico will wait.

- What about Terry?

- Terry will just have to wait, too.

Please, come on.

- I am so confused.

- In what way?

- In every possible way.

- Just come on outside with me for a minute.

- I've got a hot milk.

- What?

- I got Terry some hot milk.

I'll just get him the hot milk.

- I'll go check on Terry.

You all right?

Here, I got you some milk.

Help you sleep.

You what?

- Lactose intolerant.

- You're lactose intolerant?

Severe diarr...

- I'll just be outside here on the porch.

- Burning feathers?

- Joe's older brother, Albert.

He smelled burning feathers.

He had a brain tumor.

- Joe doesn't have an older brother.

- I have no right side.

- No right side?

Is that what Joe told you?

Can you feel this?

- Yes I feel that, it hurt.

Joe doesn't have a brother?

- No brother.

- Albert?

- No Albert.

- So the burning feathers was a lie.

- Yep.

- You're sure?

- Positive.

- Where is Joe?

- Outside.

- Joe, I've been thinking.

- Yeah, me too.

- I've been thinking that I don't have a brain tumor

because you never had a brother.

And I can walk too, did you notice that, Joe?

Look at me, I'm walking, I'm walking around you.

- Never cheat a pal.

Never cheat a pal, isn't that what you always say?

- You cheated me first.

- I did not!

- You cheated me first!

- Bullshit!

What about paradise?

- I don't give a damn about paradise.

I'm outta here.

- Well guess what, me too.

Okay? Happy?

- You won't make it a week without me

and you know it.

- I will with Kate.

- Over my dead body.

That hurt!

You little shithead!

You bit me!

- Stop it!

- You hit me.

- Stop it.

God, this is over.

- Not 'til somebody is either dead or in a coma.

And I hope it's him.

- No, I'm talking about us.

I won't watch you do this to each other.

I just, I can't.

I'd rather see you in prison,

at least there you'd be safe from each other.

And yes, I'm aware that this is entirely

my own fault, it's just that I

I bit off a little bit more than I could chew,

but I...

I've just never felt this way before.

I...

I can't choose between you.

Not everyone only has one big love.

I mean I know this one's a little bit bigger

than usual, but...

What if we only have one?

And you know why I can't choose between you?

Because together,

you're the perfect man.

- Kate.

- Kate, we weren't really gonna even,

right?

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry boys.

This is over.

- Kate.

Kate.

- Big ain't it?

- It's just a bank.

- Big though.

- Yeah.

- Oh my god, it's them.

They're here.

- Kate Wheeler may have started out as a hostage,

but she's looking more and more like a bank robber to me.

- That's ridiculous.

There's no way you can calculate the impact

of her captivity.

This is Patty Hearst all over again.

- If you recall, Patty Hearst went to prison.

- Which was a mistake.

- Excuse me, it's long distance.

- And tell her you love her right now.

- She knows it.

- Listen, listen.

I miss you.

Joe misses you.

What I'm trying to say is

we both miss you.

Equally.

We both miss you equally.

- Hi, hi.

How you doin'?

Mm-hmm.

Well, we've been, we've been...

Thinkin'.

- I've been doing some thinkin' too.

- What were you thinkin'?

- Well I can't live like this,

I mean that's the first thing.

- Well...

- Which is entirely our fault

and we take full responsibility.

Really.

- Absolutely.

- No, it doesn't matter whose fault it is.

Not anymore.

- Let me talk to her.

Listen to me.

What if I told you there was a way out of this?

One more big score, okay?

Just one, nice and safe.

- Oh I don't like the sound of this.

- No more tricks, no more tricks.

No more sleepovers.

We just walk in, we show them our guns,

we take the money.

- You show them your guns?

- But we've got it all figured out.

- No, no, I can't let you do this.

Oh no, please don't do this.

It's a really bad idea.

- Kate, Kate, listen to me.

Listen to me.

This will work.

Okay?

- The reward for the capture of Joe Blake and Terry Collins

has been doubled to a million dollars.

Question now is how much longer the two

can continue their crime spree.

Their faces are known by just about everyone.

- Good morning.

- How you doin'?

Let's go.

Outside, come on.

Go on.

Keep moving, Shorty.

- Oh my god, what are you guys doing here?

- Shut up.

- Good evening everybody, I'm Darren Head,

and welcome to Criminals at Large.

We have a very interesting and unusual show

for you this evening.

If you can look behind me,

you see that we're not here on the set of Criminals at Large

we're broadcasting tonight out of my home,

out of my living room.

The sleepover bandits, Joe Blake and Terry Collins

are sitting with me.

They wanted to set the record straight

about Kate Wheeler.

- I wanna say to you,

to the American public,

to all of the law enforcement agencies out there

across America,

Kate Wheeler was never involved in the bank robberies

with us.

She was our hostage, she was an unwilling hostage,

she was never, ever involved.

- Ladies and gentlemen, good morning,

you are about to be robbed.

- I'm Kate Wheeler.

- Keep your hands where I can see them,

where's the bank manager?

Very good, sir come with me.

- Okay, nobody move.

Lay down.

- They're armed and they're dangerous.

I had to take them seriously.

- All right, let's make contact with 'em.

- SWAT team is standing around.

The helicopters are overhead.

It's an incredible scene here

at the Alamo Savings and Loan.

- Yeah? Let me tell you somethin'.

This is Joe Blake, okay?

You will never take us alive,

do you understand me?

Now we want safe passage to Burbank Airport,

and we want a plane to fly us outta there.

No, no, no, no.

No more phone calls, okay?

You just do what I ask you.

Hey!

You are not gonna take us alive.

- You're not gonna take us alive?

- That's right.

- Great thinking, Joe.

How about they will not take you alive?

You know I'm flattered that you've included me

in your little going out in a hail of gunfire

kinda concept and everything,

but I think you've gone nuts, frankly.

- The troops are movin' in here,

the SWAT team is movin' in,

the helicopters are overhead.

If you look in the background,

you can see Joe Blake and Terry Collins.

They're in the bank, the hostages are still in there.

- Everybody hold your positions.

- I'm all through running, Terry.

I am too.

But I got a better idea.

I'm gonna throw down my weapon

and put my hands in the air

and go back to the federal penitentiary

where Kate Wheeler wants us.

- I can't let you do that.

- Oh really?

Well what if I don't give you that option?

- Everybody hold your positions.

Guys just hold on one second.

- Put that gun down.

- Make me.

- Make me?

The third grade?

You can't do any better than that?

- Well termed phrases at this point, Joe!

- The suspects are in a standoff with themselves.

- Put your gun down.

- Hey don't even think about it.

- Don't you point that gun at him!

- That's a hostage comin' out.

That's a hostage.

- It looks like somebody's comin' out of the bank.

Somebody's come out of the bank.

Joe Blake and Terry Collins are in there.

- Shut up!

- We've got shots fired inside.

- You shot me!

- You bastard.

- God!

- Be advised, the suspects are shooting at each other.

- You son of a bitch.

- All right on Terry.

Standby.

- Take your position, hold you positions.

- Come on red team.

Everybody just hold.

- All right, this will be the shotgun on Terry.

Now!

Wonderful.

- Suspects appear to be down inside.

- Applause.

- Red team go, red team go.

What is she doin'?

- This is unbelievable,

Joe Blake and Terry Collins are down.

They shot themselves, and it looks like Kate Wheeler

is up on the stairs and she fainted.

And if you followed the story for the last couple weeks,

you know that Kate Wheeler is the woman that turned in

the sleepover bandits.

Get a shot,

get a shot of her, right there.

Oh you fainted on the steps there,

were you in shock?

What happened there?

- Yes, I was in complete shock.

- Mrs. Wheeler, is it true that you tipped off the police

about today's bank robbery?

- Yes, I did.

But none of this was...

Was supposed to happen.

I just wanted them to stop.

- Great job you guys, great job.

Okay, let's go.

Grab the money, come on.

Let's go, get outta here.

- It's gonna blow, it's gonna blow!

- With another stunning turn of today's big story.

The vehicle transporting the bodies of the sleepover bandits

has exploded.

Apparently, the bodies were wired with explosives.

The bodies were totally incinerated

with no trace of Joe Blake and Terry Collins.

- Here's to paradise.

- To us.

You better wait for me,

and I'm bringing the sunscreen

and the million dollar reward.

- So ends the tragic tale of the sleepover bandits.

Or does it?

Joe Blake and Terry Collins captured the imagination

of a nation.

I didn't doubt their lives had quickly become

the stuff of legends.

Blake and Collins weren't heroes, they never claimed to be.

After the interview, people came up to me and said

what were they really like?

I know as much as anybody else.

They robbed banks, they certainly kidnapped

the wrong woman, and they shot each other to death

in cold blood.

The rest is rumored speculation.

Stuff of folktales.

And in the end, maybe that's the way

we really want it to be.

I'm Darren Head, and see you next week

on another edition of Criminals at Large.

Fade to black.

- Together in holy matrimony.

And their witnesses saying before God

and this company, and they pledge their love

to each other.

And have declared the same,

by the joining and the giving of the ring.

The groom may now kiss the bride.

- Hi gentlemen,

so why don't we start from the beginning, all right?

How'd you guys meet?

- Well, you know, lifting weights,

pumping the iron, you know.

The usual way, trading cigarettes.

- Terry had imaginary appendicitis,

and then he had

imaginary blood poisoning,

I was working in the infirmary.

- The medical term is septicemia, and it wasn't --

- Anyway, one night in the infirmary,

I'm hearing this howling sound,

Darren.

You know, like a...

Like the noise a cat makes when a cat's in heat.

That little sound, you know?

One of the things we always like to remind our self

before we go into any job

was expect the unexpected, all right?

Always sounds like good advice.

Except of course, if you are expecting the unexpected,

then well it really isn't unexpected anymore, is it?

That leaves you vulnerable to the truly unexpected.

Because you're not expecting it.

- Everybody saw the videotape,

it's kind of famous by now with Kate Wheeler,

the bank robbery.

Why don't you, right here on this show,

set the record straight

about Kate Wheeler and your operation.

- I mean the girl was terrified

you know, with us, I think.

As both as men, and as

- And didn't like us.

Never liked us, we never got along.

From the very first moment we met.

- Don't you guys ever get really scared?

I mean this job is so dangerous.

- I'm immune to danger.

I dance with danger.

I walk up to danger and tug it on the ears

and sneer at it an make funny faces at it.

You know what?

Come on, it's what I'm sayin' you know?

You know what you have to be like?

You have to have nerves of steel,

and I have a nervous system,

which, I mean as a child,

God knows, I was a nervous kid.

I was a nervous kid, but you know,

you get in there,

there's something about the adrenaline,

what are you laughin' at?

- You're immune.

- I'm immune...

- You're totally immune.