Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

I'm sorry I couldn't help you guys.

Stay back, stay back!

Stay back!

Mmm.

Here we go.

Yow!

Hello?

Hello.

Hello?

I know, mom.

Get clean and stay clean.

Yeah, you do kind of sound like that, mom.

Hello!

Hi.

I'm Bert, your glorious rehabilitation host.

Randy.

Indeed, now there are no outside communication devices

of any kind permitted on site.

So, say cheers to momsie.

No, thank you!

But I, I...

Thank you very much.

Yeah, you took my ear with that, man.

Oh, um.

What the fuck!

Well, laughter is the best medicine, isn't it?

Now, there are 10 structures on the farm.

Two guest cabins, two houses with shared kitchen and dorm,

four greenhouses, a barn, and an equipment shed.

And the porta potty, no one is to go in there.

The equipment shed, that is.

And also, sorry, and no weapons at all permitted on site.

Does that mean you're gonna take my guns?

Well yes, any weapons of any kind must,

must go in the box.

Uh, where can I put my stuff?

Stuff?

Mmm.

This way.

Welcome to zero obtainable matrimony by intoxication era,

AKA Camp Life.

You're staying in this cabin with,

ooh, Mr. Ethan.

Good luck.

But.

So you finally admit that you are a fuck up.

Uh, it's okay, it's all right.

Um...

Get you down here.

Hey.

Stick out your tongue, say ahh.

Ahh.

What is that?

Eucalyptus.

Whoa, that's amazing.

Yeah, you like that?

That's awesome.

Man, I thought you were having category five

withdraw or something.

I'm trying to.

How could she do that?

This one time, me and a bunch of guys just dropped

a bunch of acid, we were gonna go to this party and...

It's feeding time.

Toto, you're not in Kansas anymore.

All right.

Where are my keys?

Son of a.

Whoo.

What the hell?

you dressed for dinner?

Good job, Toto!

and I brought her back from the party

and , that's the whole thing.

Anyway.

Ethan!

Yeah, you were like.

Adulterer!

You know it happened nine times, Ethan!

Forgive and forget!

Uh, name's Randy, man.

Randy.

I like Brandy.

Yeah, um, no, it's Randy.

Mmm, nah, I think I like Brandy better.

So, what are you in for, Randy?

Me, uh, I'm on probation.

It was a court order to come handle

my hallucinogenic addictions.

What's your story?

Well, my homicidal ex, Liz,

she gave me her addictive personality and

all that shit that comes with, too much to drink,

too many unknown pills to pop.

I managed to get rid of her, dump her and run.

Came all the way out to the middle of nowhere

to this rehab to get sober,

and to hide out until she gave out and

found somebody else to destroy.

Guess what?

She followed me out here.

Running didn't work!

Running from my problems didn't work.

Hmm, all right.

First I got rid of my problem,

then I left my problem.

Why didn't it work?

Uh, okay, so you have an addiction problem, right?

Yeah.

You brought that problem with you.

So, maybe this is the place to get the both of you clean,

happy, and married.

No, no!

No!

What's honestly wrong with a girl who's gonna

chase you all the way to the edges of the earth?

Fresh coat of paint, man, she'll be good as new.

She's a psychopath.

I need to get out from underneath her claws!

And drugs, bad.

Yeah, drugs are bad.

What the hell are you doing?

Bad!

What, weed doesn't count.

Yes, it does.

Really?

Rehab, no drugs!

No Liz.

Yeah.

I don't know how, but I'm gonna get this bitch

kicked out of rehab.

I'm proud you finally admit you have addiction.

How can there be a 12 step program with only 11 steps?

Where is step one?

Someone has stolen step one.

All right, no bother.

Hello!

Ah, right.

Step A, time to get to know each other.

Ah yes, of course, you in the, in the breasts.

Okay, so my name is Elizabeth Blueberry and

this is my boyfriend, Ethan.

I am not her boyfriend!

Funny story about how we met.

So, I was waitressing at the Club B down on Union

and in walks the cutest little unsober man

in a sequins dress.

He had the brightest blonde wig on with

a little star hair clip in and he zigzags over to me

and orders a strawberry daiquiri

with a side of blueberry.

Well, from that moment, I was hooked.

I mean, I couldn't just leave this little transvestite.

I lost a bet, I didn't have a sex change.

Oh my god, there was this other time

when we were together...

Hi!

My name is Ethan.

And I like southern blues and stickers,

and masonry, and chicken, sweet and sour.

Right.

And what about you, mister, uh...

Mister...

Step B.

Right.

Seriously, more gray hairs, Ethan.

Hey, let's get out of here.

No!

Did everyone see that?

Did everyone see that?

She'll destroy us all.

I see.

Nothing.

Butter tart?

Step B, knowledge!

Know...

Uh, found step one.

You want it.

Ah, yeah.

You want it?

Yeah, give it to me.

My god, it's so good.

I know, right, I told you these new cheese dogs would be.

Minty!

Step B.

Step B, step B.

Knowledge, knowledge.

Acknowledge that your addictions are not in moderation,

but are causing problems in your lives.

Or solutions.

Now, I want you all to realize that your addiction

is much closer to animal instinct than conscious choice.

And therefore...

Stomach virus.

Okay, we're gonna practice these everyday.

I want all of you to say after me,

I have an addiction that an animal inside of me

is trying to control, okay?

After me, I have an animal inside of me,

I have an addic...

After me, I have an addiction that an animal inside

of me is trying to control.

I have an addiction that an animal inside of me

is trying to control.

The animal will not control me.

I will control the animal.

The animal will not control me.

I will control the animal.

Where is everyone?

Do we have any drugs left?

No, Garrett, my butt hole only holds so much.

Hey, you think we should tell the others

where we hid step one?

Hey.

Oh baby, oh baby.

Mind if I do.

Garrett, what gives?

What the fuck?

Right, step D, turner of the grounds.

What does this have to be with rehabilitation?

Now this, this is progress.

Just need to work on those violent outbursts.

This is us controlling the animal inside.

I think he's tweaking on drugs.

Nonsense.

Oh, more pupils, excellent.

This is Liz, Randy, and Liz.

One for three.

Rosy.

Zoey.

Come along, children, come along.

Yes, Zoey, soon you can have my tasty candy.

So, are you new here?

Yes, I'm an Algerian princess.

But all my money is locked in my account.

The bank said I need $100 fee in order

to transfer all of my funds into this country.

Those bastards.

I know.

I mean, if that's.

It's all I have but you could borrow it if that's,

princess, if you need to...

How can I ever repay you?

Well, with money, it's not a big deal.

Damsel in distress, if I can be there.

Such a waste of time.

Help you out, that's fine, I mean.

Come with me.

Okay, yeah, all right.

Fuck this shit.

Ah, do me a favor, put these upstairs on the table, okay?

This is such a waste of time.

Don't you have a better file?

I know, I'm never gonna get anywhere

with this piece of shit file.

Good thing a girl's got a lot of hiding places.

Hey, hey, she's leaving, leaving!

She's quitting, she's quitting.

She has to leave the farm, right, Bert?

Well, maybe she's just going to take a shit.

A woman's body is her own business.

Things that try to control us are evil!

She will suck out your soul and

fill you with all sorts of drug paraphernalia

because she can't be alone with her own morbid

fascinations and hallucinations!

Maybe you shouldn't try and date people like that.

Well, unless you wanna bring them with you.

Right, Ethan?

You're doing great, Bert, thumbs up.

Hey, Teddy Dexter, my main man!

It's Ted, Bert, I have you told countless times!

Insurance purposes.

For insurance purposes, yeah, yeah.

Now, over here, we have lots more buildings,

which many of you...

Nah, they won't be any problem at all.

Ride me.

Ride me, cowboy!

Yeehaw, woo!

Yeehaw!

Oh, oh.

Thanks, really enjoyed it.

It was great.

That is so true!

Run, run from your demons!

Right on, brother!

Demons.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, I've got my own demons.

What the hell's all the screaming?

We got one!

You owe me another five grand.

Fuck!

I love this music.

What the fuck.

Oh, why are there never any lids in these things?

Oh, my phone.

I so would've status updated that, click.

Hey, sexy.

Shit.

See ya.

I'll wait it out for a bit.

Why do you hate me?

Are you serious?

We love each other.

No, pill head, that's the drugs talking.

You don't know what love is.

I met your mom.

And all the time we spent together.

Time?

You don't get somebody's love by giving

them something they don't need, getting them addicted to it,

and then control them with it.

That's not love, that's all kinds of twisted.

You're cute.

And then you take naked pictures of me

and post them to an all gay men's fashion show contest.

And we won!

You really needed the money too.

So you could buy more cocaine to make me

look like an even bigger fucktard.

And have you looked outside lately?

There's zombies, like fucking for real zombies!

You should concentrate on that.

Okay, baby.

I think the coast is clear.

Sorry.

No means no!

For men too!

Randy!

Ethan!

Where are you?

I'm stuck in the toilet!

Um...

Zombies!

There's zombies!

I know, right!

And they, they have me trapped!

We need something.

Weapons, we need weapons.

Whoa.

I knew it, insane psychopath.

You're so adorable.

What, I found it.

I noticed.

Let's go save Randy.

Why do I have such fear and hesitation about this mission?

All right, come on.

We are not together.

What is with you?

We'll use the tractor as a decoy.

It's all right, Randy, we got ya.

Oh, I think I can escape.

Crap.

Worst possible outcome ever.

Oh, no, no, no.

Help!

Help!

I guess he's done in the washroom.

Randy.

Randy!

You!

We gotta get to the house!

Hello?

Hi.

All right, nice bloody hatchet you got there.

Okay, Liz, we need to get you some better protection.

Did anybody else just hear...

Holy shit, stab, try some perfume.

This will do.

Hey, we need to find a landline to call for help.

What's a landline?

Like that?

Yes!

Squeeze those thighs around me tighter.

Baby, you like that.

Did you get a dial tone?

Mmm, baby, yeah!

You said you wouldn't love another!

Who's that?

Is this some kind of joke?

No baby, I don't know who that is.

Who is this?

I like this, the man voice needs to go away.

Is this the police?

We're having a zombie apocalypse here.

Okay, it might be an isolated incident,

it might not be a worldwide epidemic.

Somebody told me I sounded like Sting.

I'd have a lot more money.

Whoever this is, I'm on a business call, hang up.

Rosy!

Liz, just give me like 10 minutes.

No, five minutes.

It's an emergency, we have to call the police!

Rosy, are you in the main house?

I'm in the basement.

Did you close the door?

Did I close the door?

Rosy!

Hey!

I'm really not into this shit.

Damn.

Rosy!

Shit.

What the fuck.

Shit!

We have to do something!

Get her out!

Come on!

That was too close.

Whatever.

Well, dibs on whatever the fuck this all is

because this is gonna be for me.

We are not together.

No?

You hit me in the face with a shovel.

Well, you had a fly, sweetie.

Blow it away.

Well...

Have you ever been woken up by having

your face smashed in?

I broke up with you.

You were just kidding.

No, I even said, seriously, this isn't a joke,

and then I left.

And then you came back.

To get my shit.

I said, even then, the only reason I'm here

is to get my shit.

I reminded you four times we were not back together.

Well, I just thought you were sleepwalking again.

No, I said I hadn't done that since I was a kid.

Just because it's dark doesn't mean I'm asleep.

It was 4:00 in the morning.

Look, if I didn't have Gabriel under the covers with me,

I would've invited you in.

I thought you were either sleepwalking or

there for a usual late night booty call.

I was there for my shit.

True love.

Still don't know where you got that shovel.

From Jane and Tina, our neighbors.

It's for my garden.

What is this shit now?

Whoa, lady, okay!

We need to just focus on survival, zombies.

We need a plan.

How are you doing that?

Yeah, okay, we need a plan.

Yeah, yeah, we need a plan.

This couldn't possibly be more messed up.

Whoa.

What the fornicate kind of party is going on here?

Holy shit, there's a lady outside.

There's a zombie running for her.

Wait, what's she doing?

Oh, she's picking up a rock.

No, you don't!

Holy.

Shit!

Yes, direct hit.

Way to go, lady.

Hey, the way is clear.

The way is clear.

We could probably get to the fence.

The way is clear.

Try to get the bedpost.

Shit!

Clear the way.

Okay, it's even more messed up.

Guess I'll see you around rehab land, honey.

Leaving, infestation here.

SHe's cute.

Affirmative.

Here, hold this.

We should try and get to the country store.

Yes, oh man, I need some fine sweet barbecue

thinley sliced potato heaven.

What?

To call for help.

Right, like the FBI.

Or the state trooper.

Or the Seals!

Or pest control!

Good thinking.

Here, help me move this pallet, Liz.

Holy shit fuck!

I almost first!

It's good that you got that on.

At least now we have proof that we're not totally insane.

Whoa, whoa, we're not zombies, we're people, see.

You disgusting maggots, get back in your cage!

Oh.

You pathetic excuses, you go back to the lions.

Of course the groundskeeper is evil.

Move that pallet.

Come on, move it!

No, I got them before they got too far.

Fuck!

Run!

Run!

We still have one.

Shut the rest of them down.

What the fuck is that?

Rehab, didn't think there'd be zombies.

I'm not designed for running.

Hey, give me your ax!

Hey!

Rosy!

It's gotta be, Rosy.

It wouldn't have worked anyway.

German engineering, my ass!

I shouldn't have skipped cardio day.

You scream like a girl, Randy!

Randy?

Oh, shit!

Hey, who was that?

Some crackhead with Gatling gun.

There.

I got the scurvy.

Zombie sniper.

Here.

Well, there's a cure for zombie bites, right?

Oh.

Let's have a baby.

Liz!

Ethan!

Shh.

We have to leave.

Back here, back here!

What is this zombie surfing mastermind up to?

We've been watched this whole time!

Why?

Dead serum.

Ah, guys.

Hey, check it out, experiment camp two.

Wait, we weren't the only rehab?

I'm good.

Our cabin.

Tough luck, bud.

Your gun, get your gun!

What the hell were you waiting for?

Did you just right now start your period?

Because she's TNT.

She's dynamite.

Not dead, not dead, not dead, not dead!

No, no, no, back door, come on!

Kaboom!

Oh!

Whoa.

Are we following what is clearly a very active bomb now?

Is it safe?

I mean, there's no other zombies in here yet.

Jackpot.

I think you guys should...

Get away from me.

You like the craftsmanship of my bomb, Ethan?

Who are you?

I'm the one who's gonna cure

this planet of your kind, Ethan.

What?

You think you're the victim, don't you, Ethan?

Well, you're not the victim!

I'm the victim!

That's right, it's because of people like you

that impossible laws have been made to restrict

the medications that people like me need to live on!

I didn't do anything!

You and your types, you drug and alcohol abusers.

You give us true medicinal drug users

a real bad reputation!

Your time is over.

Your time is over, Ethan!

Medications.

You're pathetic, Ethan!

You use drugs to escape reality!

You'll never know what it's like to embrace reality,

to control reality, to control your life!

Relax, Ethan.

I'm not gonna blow myself up.

You think you can eat me!

Randy, are you okay?

Randy!

Stop it!

Alan here's got some authority related issues.

You'll never destroy me!

I will never be destroyed!

Control that!

I don't need drugs, I just need you!

You weren't making me do drugs!

And you weren't making me drink like a fish!

I was doing drugs just so I could stand you!

Oh shit, that's it.

I'll never let you go, ever!

Turn me too.

Okay, or turn her.

911, what's your emergency?

Goodbye, zombie Randy.

I can't believe you did that!

We are so over!

Okay.

Motherfucker!

Subtitles by explosiveskull