Original subtitles

Did you move my...? My shirts again, Lil?

Where's...? Why's my hairdryer not working?

Because we've got no power. What?

Yeah, no.

No wonder we fucking missed our alarms this morning -

our phones are dead. What? How?

Why don't we have any power?

Because we've missed the bill, haven't we? What?

Well, how did you miss a bill?

How did YOU miss a bill?

I obviously didn't miss a bill.

What...? No, the fucking freezer!

Ew, what is this? Is this piss?

Uh...

Yeah, I got one of them

home chlamydia testing kits

and I thought I'd take it to the

post office, but it was closed.

I'm taking it tomorrow.

Why would you put fucking chlamydia piss in the freezer?

We don't know it's chlamydia piss yet, do we?

Oh, my God, why would you freeze it?

You don't need to freeze your fucking piss.

Do you think I need a tie with this?

You have unlimited piss in your body.

Stop giving me shit about the piss, all right?!

Well, stop fucking ruining my...!

Today's journey time is around five hours,

and we're due to arrive in Leeds at about 11.30.

Here, do you want...? Do you want my back?

Yeah.

PHONE BUZZES

Who's Kas?

Excuse me, that's my stuff.

That's my phone. Don't look at that.

All right, sorry.

Who is it?

He's a colleague. He's from work.

He's inviting me to an exhibition, if you have to know.

All right.

Uh, by the way, I Googled it on the bus and you're right,

you can't test frozen piss.

No. Just stop talking about the piss.

Just stop talking about the piss,

stop talking about the chlamydia.

Chlamydia, it's not even a fun one.

Is there a fun one? I don't think there is.

I can't believe you slept with a person called Megan.

I've never even met anybody called Megan. Who's called Megan?

Megan's a very common name.

It's not. I don't think it is.

I just think it's insane to me that they made you a godparent.

Wow. All right.

Well, because you're not necessarily what I would say is a good person.

I make sense. I'm a good person.

I smile at old people, I don't use plastic straws,

I fucking only sleep with my boyfriend.

I don't use plastic straws.

That's funny. That's a funny thing to say.

And you promise your parents still don't know about us? Yeah.

But I don't really like lying to them.

I don't see why we can't just... No, Ben, no.

I'm not ready.

OK, so Liam knows but Nic doesn't.

Kira wanted me to tell her after today so she doesn't

make the day about drama. Make the day about drama.

Just act normal. Oh, is that Mr and Mrs EastEnders?

Hiya. Is that Mr and Mrs Paddington Bear?

Hi! Have you been to London?

I miss you guys.

Leeds is literally the most boring place on Earth without yous.

Also, and I don't wanna start any drama, but...

...Sean's here. SEAN Sean. Oh.

He plays footy with Jord now.

I'm sorry, Ben, but he's looking delish. Hmm.

He was obsessed with you - do you remember that?

I can't believe we're godmothers!

Are you a godmother?

Yeah. Kira hasn't said officially officially,

but I'm going off cues.

Nice to see you again. No.

Eva.

Ava. Ava. Mm.

She's perfect. You're perfect,

I just wanna eat you in a little bao bun!

I just wanna eat you... Don't patronise her.

Good to see you again, Ava.

I'm your mum's friend from uni, Nic Dawson. Yes.

Godparents front row, yeah? Wait, I...

THEY CHUCKLE

I wanna ask how you're doing

but the 20-minute voice-notes tell me not great.

They're not 20 minutes.

They're fully produced podcasts.

Can you believe you have a kid?

It feels illegal.

I can't stop looking at her.

Hey. No. Lil.

No, I know. I'm sorry. Stop it. I'm just happy for you.

Do you need to see the state of my vagina?

Will that help?

Come here, please.

Aw. I haven't hugged anyone in a month.

Are you gonna be OK today?

Good. Yeah. Cos I do need you.

Lot of creepy relatives,

a lot of handsy uncles.

OK, well, now I'm horny in a church.

Oh, my God.

All right, Kira?

Oh, she's gorgeous, isn't she?

Brave of you to show up in a church.

Fire extinguisher's over there if you do go up in flames, though.

ORGAN PLAYS

CHATTER

Yo.

Here he is, big g-daddy.

How are you doing? Exciting day, eh? Yeah.

I mean, Kir's mum basically said

she'd never babysit if we didn't do it, so it's...

Listen, mate, um...

Sorry again for telling her.

Like, she can read me like a book, bro. I... Um...

No, no, honestly, it's, uh...

It's cool. I'd have done the same thing.

I, um...

I wouldn't have wanted you to keep it secret anyway, so...

Yeah?

All right.

Hey, Sean, what are you saying? Yes.

How's it going? Strong shirt, bro.

Cheers.

Hey, he's not as bad as you think, you know?

Yeah, and someone left us a man down in five-a-side.

Oh, Sean? No, it's old news, that, mate.

It's cool.

Oh, God, Uncle Tony,

and that is not his daughter.

Yeah, I should go, mate. Um...

Uh...

Do you think I'm a bad person?

What?

Why are you asking me that?

Like, do you think what I did to Lil makes me a bad person?

I don't know, I guess...

I mean, I guess, it doesn't really make you a great one, does it?

But, hey, don't overthink it, yeah?

Hiya, love. Oh, you all right? Hiya.

God, we barely stepped out the motorhome for weeks,

I've got sea legs.

Is my hair all right? I did it in the back of a wok.

Yeah, it looks really nice, Mum, yeah.

Hey, you don't know where I could plug this in for some juice?

The battery's flat as a pancake. Do you know what?

I thought we'd be stressed, what with living in the motorhome now.

We just feel peace, don't we?

Yeah. You know, we're new people... Good.

...free from the shackles of our old selves.

Have you seen that, Claire's gastric band?

It's working overtime. Mum, don't say that.

How's Lil? Um...

Yeah, she's... She's great, thanks for asking.

I can't believe Pauline's a grandma before me.

Don't be all trendy and wait till you're 30, will you?

Go on, sit down. All right.

Here, Dad. Dad, give us that. Yeah?

We'll sort it after. Yeah, it's gonna be on soon.

Oh, all right. Yeah?

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Liam, this bitch gave me chlamydia.

She didn't give you chlamydia.

She pretty much. No, couldn't.

She gave me adjacent chlamydia. That's not how it works.

I understand, but I wanna ruin her life.

OK, so from the name Megan and the incredibly grainy thumbnail

you described from looking at Ben's phone for... Yeah.

...less than two seconds... Two seconds. Tiny seconds.

...I've combed through the club photos of the night

and I've managed to narrow it down to two key suspects.

Megan number one is a devoted mother of three,

a lover of the Lord and sells prescription meds online.

OK, unlikely but not impossible.

The second Megan, we have a clearer visual,

which I reverse Google searched, and... OK, good.

Oh! She's a beautician.

She's Ben's type to a T.

He always fucking reassures me

he doesn't fancy girls who look like this.

That's my phone. Ooh.

This is cute. I'd like this in our flat.

Put it in there, quickly.

Ben!

Oh, my gosh, I miss our chats.

I've literally never seen you two speak one-on-one in my life.

We talk all the time. About what?

Politics and that.

ORGAN PLAYS

OK, OK, settle down, everyone,

and welcome to the christening of baby Ava.

Our young parents there.

Which one of you's the baby?

No, but we are going to need to see some ID for the communion wine.

Seriously, though, are you two the parents?

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. Yes. Right. Good.

Then we are hot to go.

Let us pray.

Certainly, for me, the best part of my job...

What are you doing? What?

You're not a godparent!

Godparents,

will you uphold this child in the name of Christ,

guide her from evil

and lead her, by example, towards good?

We will. We will.

Lovely stuff.

And now, friend of the parents Sean

will accompany us in a moment of peaceful reflection.

♪ Amazing grace How sweet the sound

♪ That saved a wretch like me

♪ I once was lost, but now I'm found

♪ Was blind but now I see

♪ 'Twas gra... ♪

A bit long, wasn't it? Yeah, it was long.

I just feel like, you know, is there that much to say

about a fucking baby?

It's new. It's a new baby. It's exciting.

God, is there going to be real food at this party,

because if it's just crisps and dips, I am...

I'm gonna kick off in an embarrassing way.

I'm gonna take a little detour.

Lil. Yeah. No.

I am. No! I'm just gonna go one place.

I just... I tried being the bigger person, OK? I tried.

I'm small and I'm tiny,

and I just really, really care who she is, so I just wanna go.

All right, stranger?

Oh, my God.

He could hit me with his fucking car. Sorry.

Don't tell Kira where I am. Lil, where are you going?

We've got a coach to take everyone to Jord's parents.

Yeah, I'm about to... And I'll be there in one second.

I'm just... I'm going to the bathroom.

She's, uh... She's got to go and...

To be fair, she's got... She's got to clean up the, uh...

She's gonna go and find chlamydia girl. Oh, fuck's sake!

Don't do that. Sorry. Sorry.

KNOCKING Hang on. I'll be there in a minute.

Vicar, could I...? I'm just... Yeah, go on.

I'm just in the middle of a costume change.

Switching into funeral mode, you see.

How can I help?

So, I've just been thinking about what you said

about setting a good example for Ava,

and I'm just worried that I...

...I can't do that.

Um... Well, you can.

But are some people just born bad?

No.

Like, do you think that God made bad people

so that everyone else can be good?

Sorry, do you think my earrings are a bit jazzy for a funeral?

Cos I do have some pearls. I cheated on my girlfriend.

Oh. Right, well, um... Yeah.

He's not a fan of that. Yeah, I know.

I feel really, really terrible,

and no-one will talk to me, and I don't know how to make it better.

We all make mistakes, don't we?

Hmm?

Let me tell you a quick story.

I'm at a wedding, yeah?

The bride and groom are signing the register,

and I take the opportunity for a bathroom break,

and leave my mic on.

It was just a wee, but, uh...

Look, the point is, we're none of us beyond redemption.

Show you know the error of your ways.

Make amends through positive action.

Now, then, how's that?

Appropriately sombre?

I think so. SHE CHUCKLES

I do just have quite a happy face, though.

Ooh, Bible.

Positive action.

Huge! Oh, my God! LAUGHTER

It's horrible. Really? Yeah. Yeah, but a really big plus is...

Honestly, being in a house now,

the space just feels garish,

and the best thing is we're so nimble.

Alan and I could pop to France this afternoon.

I don't want to go to France.

No, well, we're not going to France, Alan.

I'm just making the point of how nimble we are.

We're free agents, yeah. The world's our oyster.

I'll be honest with you, Gary,

I do miss a bath.

LAUGHTER I've gone up, like, two cup sizes.

Wow. Yes. Are your nipples massive?

Mm... My cousin's nipples were like bin lids, to be honest, yeah.

What kind of bin?

Uh...

Look, I just wanted to apologise.

Um... I know that you think I'm a piece of shit...

...and I don't deserve your forgiveness,

but I'm sorry.

Hold your ground.

Which cousin? The one you think.

Oh.

Go mingle. Nah, mate. Don't worry, I got it.

And just don't ask why I'm barbecuing in October -

I've got to justify spending a hundred quid on it.

Honestly, it's your party. Go chat.

I'll sort all this out. Here.

Go on, would that be a nice thing to do?

Would that be helpful?

Yeah. Yeah, mate. All right, then, come on.

Positive action.

DOOR CHIMES

Be right with you, love. Yeah, no worries.

Have you got an appointment? Uh, no, I don't.

Oh, sorry about that. Whoa!

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Sorry, they just keep going.

Don't worry, I'll... OK. I'll sort it.

Yeah. My bad.

I was hoping for a treatment with Megan?

Yeah, just the fastest thing that Megan does?

Um...

There's an express neck and shoulder massage, 15 minutes.

Yeah, perfect. That's ideal.

Wow, that's, uh...

That's really smoking. Is it meant to be doing that? Yep.

Everything's under control, mate. OK.

Heard big things about you on the five-a-side pitch.

I'm a downgrade for sure.

Um, listen, man, sorry to hear about you and Lil.

It's, um...

It's tough to make a uni thing work in the real world.

Good on you for trying.

Um... How did you find out?

Hmm? About me and Lil.

She texted me.

Yeah, a few weeks back.

Poor thing. I think she just...

...needed someone to chat to.

Whoa. Been on there a little long, don't you think?

There's no such thing as too long, mate.

Ah, I reckon there is.

After a bit of time, it gets a bit tasteless, doesn't it?

A bit same-y.

No, I reckon most people prefer a well-done sausage.

You can trust a well-done sausage,

as opposed to one that's been on the grill for five minutes,

do you know what I mean? As long as it's cooked, mate.

No, I wouldn't take my chances.

It's all just protein. Agree to disagree.

Lil's vegetarian, right?

BARBECUE LID CLOSES

Yeah, yeah, she, uh... She tries her best.

Still eats Parma ham sometimes. Mm, right.

Well, I'll leave you to it, big man.

Yeah. Save us a sausage, mate.

What a prick. BARBECUE LID SQUEAKS

DOOR SQUEAKS Good with your hands, are...?

So sorry. Oh. Just grabbing a towel.

Yeah, completely. Sorry about that.

DOOR CLOSES Good with your hands?

Good with your hands?

DOOR SQUEAKS Good with your hands, are...?

I'm so sorry.

we keep most of our supplies in here, I don't know why.

Yeah, you think you'd have, like, a closet or some... Heh.

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR SQUEAKS It's kind of crazy not to have a...

Sorry, the day's run away with me.

I won't be a minute. Let me just... Ha. Whew!

Megan? Good with your ha...? Good with your hands...?

So it's just neck and shoulders today, yeah?

Uh... I should probably go.

I shouldn't have... Oh, no, no, no. No, please don't.

Sorry, I just... I really need the treatment credits,

cos I'm so behind, and I can't qualify till I get them,

but I just can't find the time.

I'm already working two jobs to move out of my parents'...

Aw. Oh.

Oh, my God, I am being so unprofessional.

No. I'm so sorry.

No, no, don't apologise.

I bet you're amazing at your job.

Uh...

My neck feels better after just talking to you.

Um...

How many treatment credits do you still need?

So many.

There's no way I'm gonna get them in time to qualify.

Sorry, just... Almost got it.

OK, maybe you could help me there. Thanks.

Oh. Thanks. Great.

And you're...? You're happy?

Yeah. Oh, God, yes.

I'm... I'm thrilled. CARD MACHINE BEEPS

My compliments to the chef, seriously.

Just amazing job. Aw, thank you!

That was my first time doing loads of that.

Shut up!

That's awesome. Thank you.

See you later. See you. You look great.

Yeah, I... I feel incredible.

I love her hair.

Ben... Hey. ..what's taking so long?

Sorry. No, no, she means, "Thank you," mate.

Veggie kebabs, two minutes, yeah?

Two minutes. Kira. It's burnt.

Oi-oi! Who fucks with pizza, then? ALL CHEER

Cavalry's arrived. No! Jump in, jump in.

That's a veggie one, mate. Sean! You sexy bastard.

A special one for you. Aw, thank you.

You're welcome. Come on. Come on, Sean, please.

You want another one? Sean, let's have a tune.

All right, last one, last one, last one.

Oh, my God, yes.

GASPING Oh, Amazing Grace again.

Oh, you can't go wrong with this, can you?

Uh... BEN CLEARS THROAT

♪ This little light of mine... ♪

CLICKS FINGERS

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ This little light of mine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine... ♪

Ben, what are you doing, mate?

♪ This little light of mi-i-ine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ Let it shine, let it shine, let it sh... ♪

Cheers for that, mate.

Lovely, darling.

He had a go, didn't he?

♪ Amazing grace... ♪

Well, I liked it.

She was so nice.

Oh, so she wasn't a cock-sucking, boyfriend-stealing wench?

No.

She was a sweet angel with amazing hair

and, like, a beautiful smile.

Honestly, how come Ben fucks up and I'm the one who acts insane?

Patriarchy or something, probably.

Listen, did I show you the logo that Nic made for our business?

It's just a big heart with our names in it.

I don't hate it.

Oh, Liam, what the fuck is my life? OK, so we're still on this.

Oh, I'm sorry, we can talk about your logo.

No, no, no, listen, listen, listen, you're good, OK?

I'd say probably don't look in the mirror right now.

No, don't now. No. Oh.

No, look at me. No, look at me.

You're good.

I just want everything to go back to how it was.

Shall I sing?

♪ Ama-a-azing grace

♪ How swa-a-a... ♪

How does that look? You look great.

Where is your dad?

I ought to get him one of them dog collars you can track.

You and Lil having a tiff?

How did you know that Dad was the one?

God, is he?

Is it too late for refunds?

Your father stood on my doorstep every night for a month,

until I went out with him.

Sounds creepy.

Mm, it was creepy.

I took a penknife on our first date.

Whatever it is, you'll sort it.

Turbulence doesn't mean the plane's going down.

Well, it does sometimes.

Yeah, it does sometimes, you're right.

Yeah. Was it that bad, though? Mm.

Terrible vibes.

Everyone's talking about politics and cancer and dying and taxes.

SEAN LAUGHS It's way more fun up here.

Well, thanks for saving me.

Aw, I kind of wish we stayed this size.

Really? Think how shit gigs would be.

Yeah, but I'd be really good at hide and seek.

Nah, I'd find you.

Rarely spotted in the wild,

this great beauty is deadly.

Uh, Lil, um...

What are we doing here?

I'm... I'm doing a puppet show.

Oh, we're just gonna ignore it, are we?

Ignore what? Nothing's...

It's just it's fun to flirt with you.

Well, no smoke without a fire, surely.

What, Freshers Week? The one and a half times?

Come on, we both know it was meant to be me and you.

It was never gonna last with Ben.

He's just some local lad.

He's the warm-up guy. He's the starter before the main.

I'm the steak, Lil.

Oh, unless you're not over him.

What? I'm obviously over him.

Yeah?

Yeah, until I moved in.

BABY COOS You can't trust landlords.

You just can't.

OK.

GASPING

No! No, no, no, no! Oh, my God!

No, no, no. Oh, my God. Nic! Oh, my days!

Nic, Nic, wait. I mean, who does he think he is?

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

I am just so, so sorry!

Whoa, what...? You don't deserve any of this!

What? What you talking about? Nic, calm down. What's happened?

She cuckolded you. What? I saw it with my own eyes.

She was up in the nursery tossing Sean off with the lion. What?

CHATTER My God, I'm having palpitations.

Lil? What the fuck?

I didn't do that. It wasn't...

We're two consenting adults, we don't have to be ashamed.

Ben bought us that puppet.

What? I thought you said no gifts.

We didn't mean it. I'm losing sight in one eye.

Ben, do you need to sit down? Just wait till Alan hears this.

I AM sat down. Mum. I will not have her cuckold my son.

Mum, where are you going? You were the apple of his eye, Lil.

Alan.

Alan, get out of the tub. We're leaving.

You're not gonna believe this.

I'll see you in the motorhome.

How could you do this to him? Oh, my God, we're not together!

We're not together.

We haven't been for, like, a month.

Ben cheated on me, OK?

He cheated on me with a lovely,

but turns out, quite inexperienced beautician.

I was just trying to make myself feel better.

I don't know. I...

We thought you'd react badly.

Does everyone else know?

Liam?

Wha-a-at? No? Wow.

I'm hearing about this all now for the first time.

Why don't we get out of here? I'm good. No.

Well, don't be fucking boring. Oi, she said no.

You thought that I'd react badly?!

Yeah, Nic. Sorry.

I'm sorry. It's all right. It's all right.

Do you want Nic to be Ava's godmother instead of me?

What do you think?

I do not want Ava to have a criminal record.

Kira, I'm so sorry.

No, I know you have stuff going on, but I've just had a baby, Lil.

It's a big deal.

And I joke about the voice-notes, but fuck me, Lil, ask me how I am.

Yeah. Um...

How are you?

Not now.

See you. Everyone hates me.

Not everyone.

Right, come on, then. I've got your bag and your coat.

See you later. Bye.

Got the puppet? Shut up.

♪ The love I lost

♪ Was a sweet love... ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media