Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult themes

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And as you prepare to leave Leeds,

consider this.

You are the curator of your future.

The captain of your ship.

For Once In My Life by Stevie Wonder

Life is just a series of choices.

Be bold, be brave and choose well.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

♪ For once in my life I have someone who needs me

♪ Someone I've needed so long

♪ For once, unafraid... ♪ Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry. Ben, what are you doing?

Sorry, Kira.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry, excuse me.

I'm in. Oh, my God, you scared me. What are you doing here?

You're meant to be with the esses. About London.

What? You're doing this now? You should take the job.

We can talk about this in, like, ten minutes.

I want to move down with you, Lil. I'm in.

Are you pranking me? I don't want to be pranked right now.

I'm wearing a really stupid hat. No, I'm not pranking you.

I've thought about it and I choose you, Lil.

I fucking choose you.

OK? Wherever... wherever we are.

Look, if this is a dream job, than you should take it, OK?

We'll have the summer here. And then...

...and then we'll go down after that, yeah?

The recipient of this year's design prize...

I'm moving to London! ...Lil Henderson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're going to fuck up the order, then.

Thank you. Thank you.

Is that a yes?

♪ For once in my life I have someone who needs me... ♪

You're not getting rid of me that easily. I love you.

Start the rest of our lives!

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah Someone who needs me

♪ Oh, baby, love, baby... ♪

HARMONICA SOLO PLAYS

♪ For once in my life... ♪

HARMONICA SOLO PLAYS

No, you don't have any kids...

THEY ARGUE

Kids' cones are for fives and unders,

and you've got a beard.

Can I get a kid's cone?

Hi!

I feel bad you spent a full summer with my parents.

I liked it.

Alan taught me how to bleed a radiator.

Yeah? Yeah, so if any of our radiators need bleeding...

You're the girl to call. I'm weirdly good at it. Yeah.

Ben, we go tomorrow.

I know! It's not properly sunk in yet.

I know. Did you FaceTime your mum this morning?

Mm. Yeah. Really good stuff.

She thought we moved a month ago already.

Obviously. Yeah. I thought of another thing for the list.

No coloured bedsheets.

We go cream or we go white. OK. Keep it classy.

What about... uh... black? Black's classy.

That's really scary you said that.

Why?

Um... did any of the book places write back?

Uh... no. But it's summer holidays, innit,

so, you know.

Yeah. Hey, no, you don't have to worry about that.

Yeah. Well, I can just about afford my deposit now.

And I can pull the perfect soft serve swirl, so...

God, I wish I could pull the perfect soft serve swirl. Oh...

...you should see me with the sauces, babe...

Why? Does it go on super even? Yeah. Symmetry's off the charts.

Oh. Oh, you're trying to turn me on!

Oh, you should see my flake work, babe.

Ben, there are kids around. Sprinkles...

...forget about it.

♪ Sitting in a room with the firelight low... ♪

Now look, I don't get the game. What is it?

Babe, no. 5-15-50 is not a game. It's bullshit, they just made it up.

QUIET CHATTER

You're a lightweight, mate. Shut up, Jordan!

Yeah, that's Mill Street there. Just down from that crane.

You're like Google Maps, man.

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm right, cos, see, look, there's that tree

that we nearly burned down in Year 5.

We?! I never touched that tree.

It still gets you, though, doesn't it?

Still fucking gets you. Every time, yeah.

THEY LAUGH

I...er...

...I used to brick it you'd leave Leeds.

We're growing up, mate.

Nah. Mm.

I'm gonna be a dad in about five fucking minutes.

You're moving away...

You excited?

About moving to London?

Mm. Yeah.

Why? Do you think it's a bad idea?

I didn't say that. I just...

It's going to be different for you, innit?

Fucking hell.

HE CHUCKLES

Under the thumb at twenty-fucking-two.

The state of us, mate. Pair of dickheads, like.

Better make tonight count.

Oggy, oggy, oggy!

Oi, oi, oi!

Go on!

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

Thank you.

Don't give him more. Don't give him more. Can we play the game?

Can we play the game, please? I want to play the game...

Liam, please. Oh, my God. Please do it. All right.

Ben and Lil, Ben and Lil.

Young lovers, off to the capital to make their fortune.

Yes! Yeah! Do it! No, don't do it. I don't want to hear it.

Yeah, go ahead. In five years' time, yeah?

Going well. Lil's designed some shit-hot building that wins awards.

Is that... is that how buildings work? It is, yeah.

And Ben's first book,

instant bestseller. THEY CHUCKLE

Nice! Congratulations. Keep going.

I like it. Um... and 15. It's ticking along, you know.

Nice house,

two kids, garden office that you never use.

Little wobble... Little wobble. Precisely. Where's the wobble?

Uh-oh! Ben nearly gets cancelled cos a paedo endorses his book.

What? Shut up. That's... What is going on with that?

But ultimately, it's Ben and Lil, so their 50 is obvious.

Oh, yeah, 50 is boring...

Everyone knows that. ...it's not even worth saying.

Can someone say it, though?

Murder-suicide?

Yes. Nice. Bang, bang. Literally the most romantic end.

No, I've got actual goose bumps.

Wait. Why are we doing that at 72?

Because that's a long life.

Can we do Nic? Yes! No.

Because the last time you said I got hit by a bus.

You didn't like that?

No, I did not like that at all.

♪ Runnin' away from life is hard to do

♪ Especially when there's nothing else for you

♪ Just have a little patience

♪ Cos life will never make sense

♪ Unless you have lived and you've learnt all the bads... ♪

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

- Drive! - Stop! HORN BLARES

Stop! What are you talking about?

Just promise we're not going to grow up.

OK? What are you saying?

Just promise me, please.

I cannot wait to drink again.

You got such a nice face. Come here.

I love you. I love you. I love you. ALL: Aw.

Wait, I'm gonna cry. This is like the last bit in Friends.

Oh, update your references!

Kira, no! I don't want to feel your baby kick. It freaks me out.

How are you this drunk?

We drank the same amount. Who's coming out, out?

Come on. HORN BLARES

No, you're on your own.

Ben, it's 8am already. We gotta go.

Deb, no, no! We said no to the water.

Yeah... If you've read what I've read about London tap water,

you'll take no chances.

I'm going to fill up some more.

Ben, come on! Don't shout. He's fragile.

Lil, that's your route from King's Cross.

Don't worry. We'll be behind you with all the gubbins.

Now my sat nav is saying we'll get there around 4pm...

Stop banging on, Alan.

...that's only if we take two wee stops and eat our sarnies en route.

But between you and me, I'll have probably eaten mine before we leave.

Alan! What the hell am I gonna do without you?

Oh, come on, you're gonna be all right.

Incorrect, actually.

Cos who's gonna tell me about slugs?

Oh. Who's gonna tell me that a slug's whole body

is actually its foot?

Oh, Alan, you're killing me.

Mm.

Jeez. Is there a solar eclipse or something?

It's just a hangover... It wouldn't be a solar eclipse.

It'd be a solar flare. Right, come on, both of you.

If it's a solar eclipse, the moon would cover the sun. Oh! Come on.

Oh, it's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing having a mother.

ALAN COUGHS One photo. We won't be in the house when you come back.

Christ Almighty. One big cough, Alan.

ALAN COUGHS

Right. OK.

Oh, for God's sake. Right. Get some of me and Ben. OK.

OK. Come on. Mum, really? I don't want to do this.

Just stand here with your mum. Be nice. Come on, smile.

Oh, my God, I hope we can see the Shard from our flat.

That'd be amazing.

I love the Shard. PHONE BUZZES

I'm also thinking we should probably

walk from the bus station,

at least a little bit of the way.

It's like an hour and a half, but I think it's worth it.

Then we can really take it all in.

I'm praying we pass Big Ben.

Hey, are you dying right now?

How's my Big Ben?

Yeah, just...

...smashed my phone last night.

That's annoying. You should get one of those screen-protector things.

I'll get you one. I have one that you can, like,

throw from a helicopter and you're still all right.

How was it, though? Hmm?

Last night, after we left.

Oh... uh...

It was all right. Just...

...had a few drinks, danced like idiots and walked home.

Hey, don't talk about my boyfriend's dancing like that.

Ben. We're moving to London.

We're moving to London. We're moving to London.

We're moving to London.

Baby Now That I've Found You by The Foundations

We're moving to London.

♪ Baby, now that I've found you I can't let you go

♪ I'll build my world around you I need you so

♪ Baby, even though you don't need me

♪ You don't need me

♪ Baby, now that I've found you I can't let you go

♪ I'll build my world around you I need you so

♪ Baby, even though you don't need me

♪ You don't need me

♪ Baby, baby, since first we met I knew in this heart... ♪

What do you think you're doing?

Oh! Whoa. Sorry.

I thought it was like a jump-in type of... situation.

Sorry about that. That's a big misread on my part.

All right. Sorry, guys.

OK.

Maybe you should have, like, a sign or something...

Can you believe that guy called me an entitled prick?

Talk about north-south divide. He was rude as hell.

PHONE BUZZES

Like, sorry I have the rhythm in my heart.

That your phone again?

11, 10... We're over there.

Oh! It's open.

Hello! Is anybody home?

PHONE BUZZES It's our flat, love. We'd be home.

Oh, my God. The kitchen is so cute.

Fuck.

Ben, get in here.

All right, we have a pink room, we have a blue room.

Very colourful. OK.

It feels like I'm, like, in a play about London.

Lil, I need some paracetamol,

so I think I'm gonna nip t'shop and...

Do you want anything?

Oh! Oh-oh. Babe! HE GROANS

Thank you.

What for? The shop's only two minutes away, babe. We passed it.

No, I'm just... I don't know. I'm feeling really, really grateful.

You're the best.

SHE GIGGLES OK, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

I want our first sex in the apartment to be good,

CLEAN sex in a BED.

Also, um, can you get rubber gloves?

Why?

There's a mouse behind the couch. Seriously? Yeah.

I'm choosing to believe it's asleep, but just in case.

Yeah, OK.

I'll leave my bag here. OK.

We have a balcony... Mm-hm.

...in London. A balcony.

I love you. I love you.

HE SIGHS

OK. Disgusting.

That old Tupperware is the stickiest thing I ever touched.

Um...

What is that?

Oh! Paprika.

2004. Same, girl.

DOOR OPENS

SHE SCREAMS - Have you seen my dog? - Stranger!

Oh, my God. Or maybe she ran away.

What brand...? What type of dog is it?

Did you...? Did I say dog?

I think I meant new neighbour.

Have you seen one of those?

Hi! I'm Jos. I'm a bit of a prankster.

I live just a couple of doors down.

Wow. Look at this. I didn't know I was talking to a queen.

Look at that throne. What? That's what I call a toilet.

I'm silly.

OK... Well, my name's Lil. Oh!

My boyfriend's just coming back now...

Lovely couple used to live here. Dutch. Oh.

They were Dutch. I miss them.

God. You know, funny.

The woman actually died here.

What? Are you seri... In the room? In this room? In this room.

That's awful. It's cold.

I can still feel her. JOS SHIVERS

Oh, my God... Like she's here. They didn't tell us anything about...

I'm sorry. You know what?

I was thinking of a podcast I just listened to.

No, no, THAT couple... Oh, my God.

...moved to Kent! Of course.

Kent, of course. Shall we have a cup of tea?

LINE RINGS Come on, Jord, answer the phone.

You can't ring me 100 times and leave me hanging like this, man.

All right? You've reached Jordan's voicemail...

LINE RINGS

Fuck!

Are you American? Oh. Um... half.

I'm half-American. My dad's American.

Yeah, I'm Mexican. Grew up there and came for a...

OK, Dora the Explorer. A little bit of a racist thing...

I left nine years ago... PHONE BUZZES

...and I never moved back. Never looked back.

Really? Changed my name, changed my number.

Started a rumour in my high school Facebook group that I was dead.

Got 'em.

Wow. That's awful. But a rumour.

Mm-hm. Just a rumour. Yeah.

MESSAGE ALERT BUZZES

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Fuck. Shit.

PHONE BUZZES OK. I...um...

Oh. Did you know...

...only 2% of people in this city

even know the names of their neighbours? Really?

Isn't that messed up? It's just effed up, I think.

Yeah. We're so starved for connection.

You know what I mean? Totally...

I mean, that phone's not going to bring you a cup of sugar, is it?

Mm-mm. Mm. That phone's not gonna pull you out of a sinkhole at 3am.

But I will. And I won't ask questions.

OK? I'm here, babe. I got you. Sisters for life.

Ah, that's so nice. Secret handshake.

Our new secret handshake. Come in. Bring it in. Oh.

Oh, I love the size that you are. Perfect.

God! This rocked.

CAR HORN BEEPS Oh, that's my ride.

That's my ride to choir.

Darren! Oh, wait.

Your dog... Oh, no. That's...

JOS TRILLS IN DISTANCE

Oh, my God.

Fuck off! I know you're following me!

What are you doing?! I live here!

Why have I never seen you before?

Cos I moved in, like, 20 minutes ago.

Oh, God.

Why else would I have loo roll?

Uh... God, I need to...

Is that deodorant?

I...improvised. Um, welcome to the building, obviously!

Lil? Hey! I met our neighbour.

I think she's gonna murder us in our sleep.

PHONE BUZZES Oh, and the real estate guy, he's coming soon.

PHONE BUZZES Fu...

What are you doing? Uh, sorry. I just thought that were mine for a second.

Knock, knock, anyone home?

I'm sorry I'm late. I really pissed about.

Went to Waterstones, read The Art Of War.

PHONE BUZZES Not a clue. Paul.

Pleasure. Paul... Oh, pleasure.

Ben. Ben. Buzz-buzz! Nice to meet you. I'm Lil, we emailed.

Lil. Ben, Lil.

Leeds, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, what do I know about Leeds?

Er... Not much! PAUL LAUGHS

I've got nothing against the place.

OK, so, all the boring stuff's done.

PHONE BUZZES Everything's signed.

I'm just a friendly face here to show you the place's quirks

and to give you your spare keys, which are...

...in the car. God bless my ADHD. I'll get you those in a sec.

All right, couple things. Come round. Come round, come on!

Come on, come on, come round, come round.

So this thing doesn't work, useless.

So it's a whack-on... whack-off fun feature.

You think there's a draught coming through here?

There's not. And obviously, keys. Come with me.

Come with me. It's like Crystal Maze, isn't it? Two-lock system.

You've got your lock up top and your deadlock down below.

She's a bit of a tricky one. I'll let you give it a go.

Oh, that's OK, I can work a key...

No, I prefer you give it a go. Really? OK...!

OK. Lock... Yeah. ...and unlock. Yeah!

And then here's a lock, unlock.

Ooh, she's a fast learner! Your turn, mate.

Yeah, go for it. Yeah?

Yeah. OK. Um...

PHONE BUZZES Lock, unlock.

Lock... Why is Kira calling me?

Whoa! No, no, no, no...

Sorry, it's... Ben, what the hell?!

I took Jordan's jacket yesterday and I left it in the fucking taxi,

and he's been ringing me about it all day.

So that's locked, then!

Oh, weird. So weird, I know, mental. Give me my phone.

No, I'm... I'm just checking that you've got the screen protector.

You've got that. Ben! That's important.

The key's on the outside, yeah?

Er... What taxi? I thought you said you walked home. Er, yeah.

Give me my phone. Yeah, no, I walked home,

but I got a taxi to the, uh... the kebab shop.

Give me my phone. And then I walked home after that, you see.

Hello?! Ben!

Hello! Kebab shop, what... Where'd you go?

Er, I went to Zeytoons.

Zeytoons? That's, like, on the other side of town.

Where'd you go out? A long shot, but do either of you

happen to have a... um, a fishing rod?

No. No? OK.

Yeah, it was... PHONE BUZZES

Fuck... What?!

That's not gonna help... things.

Ben, what the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck...?

Paul, can you open this, please? Er, yeah.

Uh, well, no, actually, it's deadlocked.

We're locked inside? It's a fun quirk with this kind of mechanism,

you know, with the spools, and... It's good to know it works.

Can't you use a spare key? You don't have a spare key?

Yes, of course I have a spare key. Yeah.

Remember, though, I left it in the car.

Remember, ADHD, late diagnosis.

I'm still trying to understand it.

You want to talk some more about the kebab place, mate?

I think you should try and sort the door thing out first, mate.

Ben, are you... are you lying to me about where you were last night?

No! No, of course not. No. I just don't understand

why you wouldn't want me talking to Kira.

Because...! Oh, God, my head.

You're being so fucking strange. I'm trying to explain...

Ow! OK...

Why do I feel like you're lying to me?

Since when do we lie to each other? Just tell me the truth.

What's happening? What is it?

Just tell me what's happening...

I slept with someone else last night.

Help!

What?

I feel really fucking... I feel really guilty about it, babe.

I'm really, really sorry.

You... you slept with someone...

Yes. And I feel fucking sick right now, love.

I feel sick, love, honestly, I feel physically sick.

I don't know, I don't know what happened.

Jordan kept on just feeding me shots and I don't even remember it.

I just remember flashes. Sorry, what are you saying?

You had sex with another person yesterday?!

I think I just felt weird about... about moving.

And I'm not making excuses. You went back to somebody's bed,

and then you came back and you got in our bed? No, no, no.

Of course not. It was...

Anyone?!

It was in a disabled toilet.

PAUL CALLS OUT

PAUL RATTLES WINDOW

PAUL KNOCKS ON WINDOW

These doors are crazy, right?

Lil, I know you're angry at me right now, but please open the door.

Let's talk about this. Lil!

Who was she? Was it Danielle?

Honestly, I don't think... I don't think the who matters...

How did you cheat on me?

That's, like, against science.

Open the door, please.

Was it Katie? Was it Mia? Was it Laura?

No, obviously not Laura. Don't say, "Obviously not Laura".

What, cos she has adult braces?

You'd be fucking lucky to sleep with Laura!

Was it cos I have a job?

What?

Because I have a job and you don't have a job yet? No.

So you cheated on me? No, of course not.

I'm really proud of you.

It pissed you off that I didn't go home,

that I stayed with your parents? You said that I could stay

as long as I wanted. No, no. I loved you being there, I did.

Well, then, what?

Move! Lil, please.

Paul, we don't want the flat any more.

What? No, you signed the lease.

No, then we un-sign the lease.

I'm sorry, no can do. Yes, can do, Paul!

Lil, can we just talk about this, please?

Look, I wish it were more simple, but...

OK, OK. Look, if you can come up with six months' rent upfront

I can see what I can do. Can you come up with six months of rent?

No, mate, no! Obviously we don't have that!

All right! Sorry, but my hands are tied.

You gotta stay in the flat.

You need to leave. No... You can't be here. You have to go.

You have to find somewhere else to stay. I can't, Lil. You have to!

You know I can't. My mum and dad have just sold their house.

Jordan and Kira are about to have a kid

and Liam and Nic live in a one-bed as it is, love.

I ain't got money to burn, Lil.

Please don't cry, love. Please don't cry. How can I not cry?

What are you talking about?

Is this right? Yeah, it's this one.

Number 8. No, no... Look, look, look at me.

No... We can work through this. All right? We're Ben and Lil.

We're Ben and Lil. I love you.

CHATTER FROM OUTSIDE

Stop!

Ben, I don't want them to know.

Oh, you're here! Oh, thank God.

There's a key in the door, there's a phone out there.

You can't be leaving your phone outside in London.

You all right, Dad? Just need to pee.

All right? Got you a house-warming gift.

Hiya. Hi!

I mean, it's just silly, but I thought it was...

Oh, hello. We're Mum and Dad. I'm Paul.

Estate agent. I really should...

I can see you two are going to be very happy here!

PARENTS CHAT

No. You can't fucking laugh.

You must be very proud. Oh, yeah.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media