Original subtitles

JULIA MORRIS: Welcome to Class Clowns Academy,

the most highly esteemed educational institution in Australia.

Don't look that up.

BECKY: Our school was really, really big.

I wasn't top of the pecking order in that group.

Mmm.

But, like...I am now.

(BOTH LAUGH)

It's the penultimate week of the Class Clowns Cup.

I really want to win this cup so the other teams don't.

That's the only reason for me.

It's a free cup, you know? And who doesn't want that?

So far, the mighty Cane Toads

are holding a narrow lead

over the Bin Chickens...

The shame!

..and the Redbacks.

But I feel like there could be a twist in the tale today.

I'm Principal Julia Morris.

Welcome to Class Clowns.

(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Good morning, class.

I am waiting in your classroom.

This English test is not going to answer itself.

Get moving.

English was the only subject I got an A for.

I was a big Stephen King fan.

I read IT.

That's why he's a clown.

Good morning, students.

Good morning, Miss Morris. Good morning, Principal Morris.

Let's start the day with show and tell.

Now, I have been snooping through all of your journals

from when you were young.

Bron Lewis. Yes.

I believe that you have your school diary with you.

I do. This is my diary from year 6.

Wow. OK?

This entire book was about Shane.

So, as you can see there - "Bronwyn 4 Shane,"

and, "Shane 4 Bronwyn."

Ooh.

BECKY: I was also in love with a boy called Shane.

Oh, my gosh!

Can I say a guy called Shane spat in my face?

The name Shane - it's electric.

Yes.

Bron, would you be so kind as to read out a love letter?

Yep.

I'm not sure if you guys are ready.

"When I see blue, what do you see?

"Your sky may be my purple."

Oh!

"When I feel rain hit my skin,

"what do you feel?

"Your rain may be my torture."

Oh!

BRON: "When I hear birds singing, what do you hear?

"Your birds may be my thunder."

BECKY: What?

"When I feel love, what do you feel?

"Your love may be my heartbreak."

Whoa.

Amazing. What?

Are you still writing love poems, or...

Oh, no. I've been with my partner for 13 years.

Um, that part of you dies. Yeah, it does.

What a beautiful story.

(LAUGHTER)

Becky. Yeah.

I believe you have some diary entries for me.

Yeah. I tried to write a pop song in year 9.

It's sung like Britney and it goes...

(LAUGHTER)

(SINGS NASALLY) # Love or jealousy?

# You decide

# If she must have you

# Then I must die

# Tell me why

# I will die. #

LUKE: That's really good. So aggressive!

MATT: I know! I think it's amazing.

Did you consider releasing it?

Did you consider releasing him from the lock-up?

(LAUGHTER)

My wife read out her diary about the day she met me

to our children, only the other day.

Aww! Talk us through it.

Well, she said, "I met Dave Hughes and he's so hot."

And then my son said, "Mum, what was wrong with you?" So...

Yeah. MATT: Sorry.

She did not write, "He's so hot."

She didn't use those words but that was the vibe.

What she meant is, he's so famous.

Whatever gets you across the line.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you for your incredible honesty.

Now it's time for English.

(GASPS)

English isn't my first language, so I'm nervous.

What is your first language?

Gloop, gloob, glup-glup. I'm alien.

Safe choice.

Yes. I was an English teacher for 10 years.

Ooh.

But teachers don't have to know anything,

especially English teachers.

I'll give you a demonstration. Right. Who's read the text?

And a bunch of kids will put their hand up.

You go, "Great. Any questions?"

And then the kid will be like, "Why'd the protagonist have to die?"

Like, "Why do you think the protagonist had to die?"

Amazing.

And by the end of it, you're like, "I might read that book.

"It sounds pretty good." (LAUGHTER)

Maybe we shouldn't pay teachers more.

(LAUGHTER)

Let's get ready for our first question.

This is a year 2 question.

In the what? Dreamtime story.

D'you know this one? Nope. Go for it.

OK.

I used to really be taken with this story.

Oh, come on. Dig deep.

I can't. Dig deep.

It's not Kermit, is it?

It's... It might have to be.

Guys, let's have our answers.

Alright. Bin Chickens, Tiddalick.

Yeah, I just had a flashback to being a child

and being like, "Tiddalick the frog!"

You did answer it super quickly. I was impressed.

Cane Toads, Anansi?

We couldn't remember the name, so he just did an African frog.

No, to be fair, it's an African spider.

Is it?

I don't know if that's, like, a half point.

Never off the table. Can I say that? Yeah. Thank you.

Redbacks, you have said Kermit.

The Dreamtime frog.

We...just named a famous frog.

Yes. Kermit. Quite wealthy.

Maybe has a lot of land, able to drink a lot of water.

Yes. Miss Piggy is very salty.

(LAUGHTER)

The correct answer...

is Tiddalick the frog.

Oh, wow. Well done.

This is a year 5 question.

Oh, my god. Sophia just read this book.

Oh, my god. I wish I could call home.

Can I phone a friend?

I wish we could.

Can we say Oompa-Loompa?

I believe it's still allowed.

I guy came in and he stole the...

Recipe? Stole the recipe.

Alright, students. Let's reveal our answers.

Bin Chickens, your answer.

Well, they had already killed... four kids?

I think three kids. Drowned in the chocolate or...

Augustus Gloop? There's too many.

There's too many. OK.

Cane Toads. Yes.

There was a couple of incidents

and then there was a bit of a strike.

Ah!

Wonka said, "To hell with it - no-one's allowed."

OK. Redbacks, can you talk me through this answer?

Yeah. A rival was working there. Was stealing the recipes.

Oh! Yes! That's it.

The correct team

is the Redbacks.

Wow. Ah!

Our next question is for year 6 students.

I know onomatopoeia.

Yep. It's not that. Alliteration?

What would 'assonance' be?

Something that's 'asinine' is not... Is annoying, I think.

No, no, no. It's... It's asinine.

Is 'assonance', like, the sound it makes?

Like 'splash', or whatever?

I don't know. Let's do that.

What about we do a funny one? Yeah.

My arse on ants.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Alright. May I have your answers, everybody, please?

Rightio.

Redbacks, "There was a knock knock..."

Ooh! Who's there?

See, that's onomatopoeia. Is it?

That's what it is. Yeah.

Ah, right. See ya, Matt.

Bin Chickens, how did you come up with that?

Well, assonance is words sort of sounding the same, I think,

so it's like, "D-AY-ve is OK-AY."

Awesome. Well thought out.

Cane Toads.

I sat down my ass on ants.

(LAUGHTER) Ass-on-ance.

Assonance is the resemblance of sound between syllables of nearby words.

Bin Chickens and Cane Toads, you are both correct.

Yes! Yes!

BOTH: What?!

Technically, you are both correct. No!

What?! Absolutely.

That... No! That is not fair!

Alright. Bin Chickens, it's time that we moved on.

Just accept it and relax.

NINA: But you didn't KNOW that. Their sentence does not make sense.

Here's the thing -

when I'm accused of awarding points incorrectly,

it does make me feel triggered.

(BOTH GASP)

Bin Chickens, we're gonna find you in detention today.

Oh! BRON: Ah! That's awesome.

No! Where's your humanity!

Detention should be banned by Amnesty.

Exactly. Can they ban stuff?

They should be able to. They should, yeah.

I've given them enough money - what are they doing with it?

I hope it was worth it. LUKE: Sucked in!

Alright. That is the end of the written exam.

Now it's time...to rhyme!

Today's English practical assignment is poetry.

Working in your teams, you will collaborate on a poem

that speaks to a personal high-school experience

and then you must read the poem to the class.

Good luck.

To the first girl you loved? Yeah.

BECKY: Shhh!

Good poetry is amazing and expresses something we cannot

but bad poetry...

I need something that rhymes with 'betrayal'.

Can you...shhht? Sorry.

..is hell on earth.

Alright, guys. That's time.

Bin Chickens, I would love to see your poem first.

Whoo! Do you have your glasses, Hughesy?

I have to wear them.

The poem is based on my experience at a girls' school,

having a crush on another girl

who was very popular with other girls.

We are all yours.

I need to get my poetry glasses on.

(LAUGHTER)

$9 at your local convenience shop.

Are they? They're amazing.

I've written yours in extra-big font.

It's not big enough. Go.

"Names have been changed to protect people's privacy

"But in year 8, my heart was stolen

"Like DVD piracy..."

Whew! Oh, that's nice.

"Maddie was my first-ever girl-crush

"I was so hot for her, it gave me thrush..."

Oh!

"I don't need to know about that..."

(SNICKERING)

"Tell me...tell us more...

"..about Maddie, stat!"

Well done. Sound it out.

"She was really sporty and really naughty

"She would choose one girl to hug every lunchtime..."

Oh!

"I was so jealous, I wanted to commit a true crime

Mmm...

I'd spend $10 next time.

(LAUGHTER)

That was all they had!

Do you want these? Thank you.

Gosh. You can keep them if you like.

That's so much better! (LAUGHS)

"How long did you wait before you got the hug?

"I never got it, because of my rough, ugly mug..."

Awww!

I wanted a hug so badly

and I never got one.

Why didn't you pretend a family member had died?

(LAUGHS) I didn't want a pity hug, Hughesy!

I wanted to be loved!

Come on. We've gotta do what it takes.

"But the story doesn't end there -

"I ran into her in January

"And she told me her and her new girlfriend watch me on TV

"And it fills them full of...

"Glee."

Aww, that's great. Well done!

Principal Morris, this is elder abuse.

(LAUGHTER) They're good glasses, though.

They actually suit you. You look like the old man from 'Up'.

Someone take... (LAUGHTER)

I shall give you these back.

Up next, Cane Toads.

MATT: I think, for us to do well in this poetry test,

we're gonna have to go to parts of our core

that we're not used to going to.

We may not have visited these places...recently.

So, when I was in year 8, I had a crush on a boy named Shane

and he was having detention and I wanted to walk past him,

so he would see me.

Uh, we are all yours.

"I'm walking past, like that's enough

"If he sees my face, will his heart beat fast?

"There he is I'm getting closer

"Play it cool Just be, "La, la, la, la, la"..."

(LAUGHTER)

"It's '02 Summer's over

"Hughesy's on NOVA

"Before Twitter mentions, I'm in detentions

"A troubled boy, a crowded house

"I'm scared of feelings I'm running till I'm blacking out

"Of course I'm acting out!"

(CLEARS THROAT) Back to me.

He was doing detention outside of the principal's office,

so I decided I was gonna walk past him,

jump, swing on the bar and keep walking -

it was, like, a cool thing to do.

"Watch this - I fly, I grab, I swing

"I slip I feel myself, my trembling lip..."

My hands were really sweaty, so I grabbed onto the bar and I fell

and just broke both my arms in front of him.

"Oh, nah, she stacks it!

"She's in pain!

"And my name's Shane She looks insane!

"'Are you OK?' his voice calls out

"'For sure!' I reply..."

And I had to be like, "Yeah!

"Absolutely!"

"Searing pain shoots through my arms

"But that detracts from my heart

"'You've broken them both,' the doctor says

"And I look to my chest and I take a breath."

Wow. Whoa!

We are spellbound to silence.

That was pretty amazing. Thank you.

Thank you. Did you have, like, two slings?

Like...

So, then I was like, "Hey, Shane!"

(LAUGHTER) Oh.

Well done, guys. (APPLAUSE)

Thanks, guys. Redbacks.

I want to hear this poetic perfection.

BRON: We were inspired by a really traumatic time in my life

when my sister read my diary.

And now I'm gonna read your diary

and then we're gonna put it on TV.

Yes. But there... The ultimate form of healing.

Yes.

"I walked home from school, slow as a snail

"Nothing could prepare me for this sisterly betrayal

"A shadow ran past the laundry window

"Who was that?

"It was my sister, two years older than me

"Oh my god - she has my diary!"

(OTHERS GASP)

"This cannot be happening

"She wouldn't dare

"It's my deepest, darkest secrets

"Does she even care?

"The diary was open

"She was reading Clenched fists

"Those words were my treasures

"And then I heard this

"Anyway, Shane smiled about 50 times at me today

"I just can't get over how cute

"And he is so funny..."

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

"I'll never forgive you, Amy,

"Even though it's been 30 years

"You're my enemy forever

"You have caused all of my tears."

Wow. Oh, whoa!

Thanks. That felt good. Wow.

I appreciate that it wasn't a sanitised version.

There's no redemption...

BRON: Yeah. There's no moral. DAVE: It's just pure family hate.

What a story arc.

Well done, Redbacks. That was beautiful.

It was wonderful. I loved that.

Poetry is not easy. BECKY: What do you mean?

It's very difficult to judge art against art.

But I did today

and so the winner of the gold star

is the Redbacks.

DAVE: Awww. BRON: Oh, my god!

This is huge for us! We've never got a gold star before!

Ooh!

This story made me want an older sister

that I could disrespect on national television

and that moved me the most.

Yes! I can't wait for her to see it.

We have put out a vibe that we are winners.

Too good to say 'losers', 'cause that's...

Never.

..more accurate.

But this time...winners. Winners.

One for you. Thank you.

Whee! Oh, my god. It looks so good!

You guys take the win but you also take my heart.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Yes!

Oh! After recess, you've gotta get into your trackies for sport.

Bin Chickens, you need to stay where you are,

because we have detention.

DAVE: No!

(LAUGHTER) Loser!

"I must not get confused..."

..confused... ..confused...

"..when a woman is in charge."

..when... ..a woman...

Are you in charge, Miss?

Very much so.

Wasn't expecting that from a woman. Yes.

Sisterhood.

This hurts but it doesn't hurt as much

as the time Mr McCluskey gave me the cane.

You weren't allowed to close your eyes. You had to watch it happen.

You weren't allowed to close your eyes?!

I've seen a Christian Brother, like, have a metre ruler and...

Whoa, whoa!

..and do a whack on a kid's arse

that snapped the ruler in half - and a big, thick ruler.

He was crying.

MATT: I'm feeling a little bit good about sports.

Who would win, out of us and you guys?

You're wondering how we will go in the sun, compared to you guys?

LUKE: I'm not even gonna go outside. I'll ask if I can do mine inside.

Remember Cathy Freeman wore the full suit?

Yeah. I think I'm gonna bring it back.

I will, just for sun protection.

Watch this, everyone. Watch this.

Yeah!

I caught that!

Well, it is another beautiful day here at Class Clowns Academy,

which is perfect, because it's sports day.

Grass is freshly mowed,

the grandstands are full

and school spirit - it's at an all-time high.

Let the games begin.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I loved sports carnivals. It was a whole day of no classes.

Yes, thank you.

Cane Toads! C-A-N-E! We are your enemy!

Cane Toads!

Cane Toads!

DAVE: I was very keen on sports day and keen on winning.

It wasn't about teamwork for me.

It was about...ribbons. Really?

Blue ribbons. Oh, yeah.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES) Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome to sports day at Class Clowns Academy,

where your team will have the chance to show off its physical skills.

Please be in the shade. Please be in the shade!

Today, each team will take part in a tug-of-war...

DAVE AND NINA: Ooh.

..only not against each other -

you will either challenge two year 12 students,

five year 7 students...

..or 15 year 1 students.

I will have 30 tiny horses.

(LAUGHTER)

The tug-of-war starts when I blow my whistle

and the first team to pull the opposing team across the centre line

wins.

Redbacks, you guys have the gold star,

so you get to choose everybody's opponent.

Great. Oh!

Well, well.

BRON: Nina and Hughesy are gonna go up against...

the year 7s.

Oh! The year 7s. OK.

We're gonna give these guys the year 12s.

Yeah, right.

The Cane Toads - we've never liked them. They have to get the year 12s.

I'm pretty sure frogs eat spiders, don't they?

Probably. They would. Yeah.

If we let 'em.

We're gonna try and beat 15 kids. Yeah. That's a lot of kids.

It'll be more embarrassing when you lose that, though.

That's correct, Nina - and we've got no shame left.

That's right. Nothing to lose.

Let's bring in our year 1 students.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(SQUEALS)

They're so cute!

Oh, my god. It's huge! Oh, yeah!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

Take them down!

Oh, my god. There's so many.

Bunch of six-year-olds. I reckon we can take 'em.

Yes! They'll be like, "One, two, three!"

And some of them can't count yet.

And by that stage, we've already yanked 'em across the line.

Yeah, thrown 'em to buggery.

Get ready to lose, kids!

OK.

You're goin' down! You're goin' down!

Redbacks, are you ready?

Ready to crush some dreams.

Grade 1s, are you ready?

KIDS: Yeah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Three. You're gonna lose!

Two. It's OK to lose!

One. (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yes! Go, go!

Aaah!

Aaah!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) MATT: Yeah!

You had that much... Yeah!

Yes! Yes!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

Oh! Oh.

My kids can't watch this. I can't let anyone see this.

This can't air.

DAVE: That was a disgrace.

Really strong, mate. Really strong. You guys beat us fair and square.

You're gonna be real good.

(CHEERING)

Redbacks, you said that you had a strategy.

Yeah.

It was...not to get dragged along the ground

and it fell apart as soon as...

we started being dragged along the ground.

Right. Alright.

Next up, it's the Bin Chickens.

Ooh. Let's bring out our year 7s.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yeah! You've got it, guys.

You've got this. Get 'em!

No mercy.

Kids these days, with all their participation medals...

NINA: They're soft. And they are going to pay today.

When we beat them.

LUKE: Absolutely destroy 'em, guys.

In three,

two,

one!

(BLOWS WHISLTE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, god!

Come on! Yes!

Go! Go!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

LUKE: Go, kids! Go, kids!

Come on! Aaah!

(GRUNTS)

MATT: Oh, my god! Yes!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Keep dragging him. Drag him to hospital. It's fine.

That's it. Off he goes. He's already dead!

NINA: Oh, my god!

Are they giving kids steroids at recess? What is happening?

Bin Chickens, it was a valiant try

but it was an embarrassing loss.

(LAUGHTER) It was shameful.

We're not scared! We had a bad day!

Let's check in with the Cane Toads. Are you guys feeling nervous?

I'm kind of hoping the year 12s are like me when I was in year 12

and they are just...not here.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh! Wow.

Yeah. That's rude.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our two year 12 students.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh! Oh, what on earth is this?!

Oh, no!

Amazing, year 12.

Whoo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

That's 400 kilos of man.

(LAUGHS)

I'll just bury her now. It's all good. We're done.

What I really should have mentioned

is both of our year 12s

are front-rowers in their school rugby team.

Were there no chess-players available or what?

There's no way those guys were high-school students.

They were huge!

On my count - three...

..two - good luck, everyone -

one. (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh!

DAVE: Oh.

Aaarrgh! (LAUGHTER)

You alright, love?

That was...upsetting.

That was so fast!

DAVE: We want our money back!

Year 12s, thank you so much for your kindness.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Those boys are so big, icebergs get out of the way for them!

(LAUGHS)

OK, my lovely students.

I'm going to finalise your overall marks

and I will see you all in my office for your report card.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thanks, guys. Thank you!

Thank you. Love you guys. Thank you. We tried.

We tried. Thank you.

LUKE: This is the first time walking into the report card

with grass stains after getting dragged.

I guess we were wearing something different

but the stains...are in here.

We can't wash that off.

DAVE: I'm generally confident

but the detention, I think, is gonna go against us.

Yeah, I think so.

I feel like we're walking into another defeat

that doesn't feel like our fault.

You cannot look me in the eye and tell me our poem wasn't the best.

Come on in, students.

Welcome back.

It has been a pretty big day of learning today

at Class Clowns Academy.

Let's look at English first.

Alright. Bin Chickens.

You topped the written

and your poem took me right back to those early playground crushes.

Thank you. Thank you, Miss.

Unfortunately, er,

your disrespectful behaviour led you directly to a detention

and so I have deducted 1 point.

Oh, why? We had a bad day.

You guys scored 5 points.

That hurts. I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to play the blame game but you could have done better.

Are you serious?! No. No, I've gotta blame myself.

Cane Toads.

You let yourselves down in the written exam

but your poem was incredibly dramatic.

You also scored 5 points.

Whatever. Next, Miss!

Alright. It's time that we moved on.

Redbacks.

You showed true vulnerability,

bringing Bron's diary to life.

I was blown away

and so I've awarded you 6 points

and a gold star.

That puts you in the lead.

Well done.

That's great. 6 points! Awesome.

In the afternoon, we had your sports day

and, Cane Toads,

you guys took on

two absolutely musculated year 12 people.

Naturally, you were crushed.

(LAUGHTER)

You get zero.

Ooh! We scored... Are you kidding me?!

DAVE: Awww!

Are you joking?!

Zero!

This is becoming a joke.

NINA: He's gonna cry.

I'm not gonna cry.

Redbacks, you guys bravely took on 15 year 1 students.

So brave.

Unfortunately, they destroyed you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (SQUEALS)

MATT: Yeah!

Ooh! Yeah. There's no two ways about it.

You scored...zero.

Ha-ha! Oh!

Ooh!

That brings your total to 6 points.

Alright. Our Bin Chickens.

This is it. Yes, Miss.

You guys fought bravely against five year 7 students.

He's already dead!

Oh, my god!

You didn't win

but you did remain on course longer than any of the other teams.

Yes, Miss. We did.

So I am awarding you 1 bonus house point for courage.

BECKY: What?!

Thank you. Thank you, Miss!

That brings your total to 6 points,

which means, Bin Chickens and Redbacks,

you guys are the joint winners of today's merit certificates.

Come on up.

No matter how many of these we get,

they still mean something.

Thank you so much. Mighty Redbacks, step on up.

Wonderful work. Thank you.

Luke, exceptional work. Thank you.

Go, Redbacks. Go, Redbacks.

Ooh - touch...touch wedding rings.

No, is that your... No, I'm not married.

Oh, you're not married.

Nobody should feel left out,

which is why today's participation awards...

Oh, no.

..go to the dreamy Cane Toads.

Come on up. No, good on you!

It's important to try. I say that to my kids.

Congratulations.

LUKE: Great work, guys. Well done.

I love participation.

Let's see how this has affected the current house standings.

Oh! Whoa.

Bin Chickens and Cane Toads,

both in the tied lead of 56 points.

This is... We are timing our run.

Well, we are nearly at the end of your school term.

Ahh!

So for your homework, I would like you to make me a farewell card.

I want to feel the love. You will.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Class, you are dismissed.

Thank you. Thank you, Principal Morris.

Thank you. Can I see that?

That's so good! Get your oily mitts off it!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0