Original subtitles

Hey, Mike, regarding my bachelor party tonight,

will there be any kind of a dress code?

Well, it doesn't really matter what you're wearing when you get there.

Because by midnight you're gonna be wearing

a G-string and a big sombrero.

At 11:59, someone remind me to claw my own eyes out.

The bachelorette party we're throwing for Claudia is gonna be pretty crazy, too.

(ALL MOCKING) Oh, I wish I could be there.

Hey. How do you guys know you're gonna have more fun than us?

We always do.

Remember Stuart's super bowl party?

The, uh, beers were in the tub,

and Paul helped himself to a nice cold bottle of conditioning rinse.

That wasn't fun.

So where are you guys going?

It doesn't really matter,

as long as the club's name is some combination of the words

naked, live, ladies, and o-rama.

Typical male bachelor party.

Yeah, if that's what we were doing, but we're not.

Paul's too much of a gentleman.

He doesn't want that.

He doesn't?

In fact, we're all a little insulted

that you think our idea of a good time

is, you know, a bunch of booze and strippers.

Mike, there's a Jugs Galore returning your phone call.

Well, you tell Miss Galore she's got the wrong number.

(STUTTERING) On second thought, patch her through to my office.

I'll tell her myself.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Stuart, you know what?

Your college alumni magazine was accidentally sent to my office.

Well, that's odd. MIKE: Not really,

especially since it was addressed

to deputy mayor Stuart Bondek.

Ah, you know how alumni magazines

always mess that stuff up. Yeah.

Yeah. "How I became deputy mayor."

Hey, I made the cover.

Bondek plans to be in Washington by 2000.

Hey, if you start walking now, you'll probably make it.

As for the rest of you, tomorrow we're unveiling that statue we commissioned.

Now, there's gonna be a lot of press,

considering the last arts Grant we gave out

was to that modern dance troupe

that performed at public schools.

Mike, I think it was great the way we exposed

all those kids to dance.

Exposed is the key word.

That troupe took dancing cheek to cheek

to a whole new level.

Anyway, it's gonna be a big day.

I need you all to come in an hour early.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, Mike, I don't think I can make it on time.

Why?

My alarm didn't go off.

That'll sound a lot better when I say it tomorrow.

Stacey, it's more than just a statue,

it's our legacy.

It's a monument to how we feel about this great city,

and if I didn't have a dentist's appointment tomorrow morning...

Nice try. We'll see you at 7:00.

Field hockey practice let out early?

My apartment was robbed.

These are the only things left in my closet.

(CRYING) What kind of person would do this?

Well, it definitely wasn't a Scottish homosexual.

Sorry, I'm late. Sorry, I'm late.

Had to stop and pick up a gift.

Oh, great.

The other girls got me lingerie.

Oh, well, that's lingerie.

So, what are we doing?

Oh, we're playing a drinking game

called "I never."

My turn. I never told a guy I loved him first.

I forgot the rules. Do I or don't I drink?

If you did it, you drink.

You don't have to drink that much.

I've done it a bunch of times.

Okay. I never... Ooh!

I never went all the way with a guy on the first date.

You might wanna pace yourself there.

I don't see why my bachelor party has to be in the office.

You wanted to invite the mayor.

You know we can't take him to a strip club.

Why can't we disguise him?

Well, we could dress him up like a clueless press secretary,

but then what would you wear?

Hey, it's the guest of honor.

Fellas, please.

Tonight, I'm just one of the boys.

Great. Randy, grab me a drink.

(STAMMERS) I mean, can I get you a drink, sir?

I'll have the usual.

What, you want me to pour your scotch and then leave your office?

Paul, it's your big night. You can stay a while.

Get me a vodka tonic, will you? Make it 2.

Ooh, I'd love a strawberry daiquiri.

Okay, give me a light beer.

Okay, give me a regular beer.

But admit it. If there had been daiquiris,

you'd all have wanted one!

Okay, my turn.

I never...lied to a guy about my age.

We're gonna need a pitcher over here!

Claudia?

Do tell.

(CLEARING THROAT) Okay, but it can't get back to Paul.

He thinks that he is one year older than me,

and actually...

...I'm one year older than him.

If that's your biggest lie, you're never getting drunk.

Paul mentioned to me once

that he really likes being the senior person in a relationship,

some sort of macho thing.

I really feel horrible about it.

I kind of like being spanked.

I mean, I never cut...

Oh, forget it.

Bartender at my own bachelor party.

(CHUCKLES) This... This is like a dream come true.

Paul, a bachelor party isn't about making dreams come true.

That's what marriage is for.

Ha!

Paulie, this is gonna be great.

All your friends are here.

We're celebrating one of your last nights of freedom.

I propose a toast...to a guy

who made the best of bachelorhood,

played the field like an all-star,

broke a few hearts along the way.

Mike, I didn't really do any of those things.

I know. I didn't know what to say.

I was talking about me.

I think you guys should come see something.

Oh...my...God!

Well, they did say it was called The Bird.

Believe me, sir, this was not the sketch that I approved.

Ah.

I thought that this was supposed to reflect

the way that New Yorkers feel about the city.

It does, Paul.

It says we're number one.

Well, I don't know a lot about art,

but I know what I like.

That speaks to me.

Okay, guys, listen.

Tomorrow morning at 8:00 this room is gonna be filled with photographers and press,

and... Oh, my God!

200 schoolchildren from P.S. 106.

Aren't they the kids who saw...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the dancing butt troupe.

This was supposed to make it up to them.

We gotta get this thing outta here.

Mike, this is huge!

Where would we put this?

How about my ex-wife's lawn?

I feel guilty about keeping a secret from Paulie.

Claudia, it's no big deal.

A lot of people lie about their age.

Right, Nikki?

Hey, I'm only 27.

Yeah. When were you born?

July 20, 1968.

Try 70.

'78?

Okay, so now you're 19?

Cool. I'm a virgin again.

Excuse me, ladies. Is there a Claudia here?

That's me.

I was asked to stop by and talk to you about fidelity.

It's the stripper! Turn on the music!

Hey, you guys, what's going on?

Get ready for something else

you're not gonna tell Paulie about.

Ow!

These bolts just will not come loose.

James, you know what we need? We need some more tools here.

You wanna run down to the hardware store?

Mike, I have to be honest with you.

It's been a traumatic day,

and I really don't wanna go outside after dark alone.

James, we understand that you went through something traumatic.

We're all very sensitive to that,

but ultimately you have to ask yourself one question...

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Is him scared of the big bad boogeyman?

(VOCALIZING)

All right, Stuart, knock it off.

Leave him alone.

After all, you're the one who's afraid of mimes.

No, I'm not.

Man in the box.

All right, quit it.

I'll go with you, James.

It'll be fun to check out a hardware store.

I can see what all the fuss is about.

Mike, what kind of stuff should we get?

Just something to pry this thing off the ground.

You know, crowbar, bolt cutters, hacksaw.

BOTH: And more ice.

Hey, Stuart?

Man leaning on something.

I'm serious. That's not funny!

This is the worst bachelor party ever.

Paul,

would it make you feel better if the girls were having less fun than us?

Yeah. Good.

'Cause I took the liberty of canceling their stripper

and sending over a priest.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Come on, padre.

Drop your linen and start sinnin'.

How'd you like to earn some money for that collection plate?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Father, I have a confession to make.

I wanna see some skin.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Father, forgive me for what I'm about to do.

You see, James,

New York is a tapestry of experiences.

If you live in fear, you miss out

on the essence of this great city.

James...

I've seen enough both good and bad

to know that whatever happens,

I just embrace it as part of living in New York.

All right, both of you face down on the floor,

and shut up.

I hate this city!

You know, chimps invented tools

in less time than it's taken these guys to buy them.

Relax, Mike, it's only 1:00. They'll be back.

MIKE: You know what, Paulie?

What you're doing, you know, getting married,

I'll tell you, I am in awe

of the commitment you're making.

I just wish I could say I was at the same point in my life.

But, unfortunately for me,

dating one beautiful woman after another

is just too addictive.

Well, you know, pretty soon I'll be married.

I won't even have to look at another woman.

Just 'cause you're chained to the porch

doesn't mean you can't bark at the cars.

Just be careful.

You'd be surprised how many cars will throw a drink on you.

Yeah, but once I'm married, you know, I...

I won't even be noticing other cars.

Hardly. After a few years,

you'll even be looking at beat-up Hyundais.

And you'll be thinking, I wonder how much I can get on a trade-in?

We're just kidding around, Paul.

I'm not.

Finally! I got a full house. I'm gonna win a hand.

You know what? I'm gonna go check on those guys.

All right! Re-deal.

I feel so stupid. I...

I didn't know you were a real priest.

You know, if you ever manage to fish that 20 bucks outta there,

just consider it a donation.

It's just that we didn't expect it,

you know, because you're so cute.

Not that priests can't be cute.

What I'm trying to say is, um...

Would you like to have a drink sometime?

I don't drink,

and obviously I've taken a vow of celibacy.

Me too!

Well, actually it wasn't a vow so much

as it's just kind of worked out that way.

So, how was the bachelor party?

Oh, pretty slow.

Everybody was just kind of waiting for you guys...

Well, us guys, to come back with the tools.

Excuse me. We're in kind of a time crunch here.

How long do you think this is gonna take?

Nobody leaves till the safe opens, okay?

Well, could you... Could you open it, please?

I can't. It's on a timer.

And you didn't think of this?

As you were. Thanks.

(SIGHING)

Hey, James, you seem a little quiet.

I'm afraid if I talk, I might get shot.

Oh, it's not that kind of robbery.

It's not that kind of robbery, is it?

Nah.

Everything's fine. Fine?

I got robbed last night,

and now I'm being held hostage.

What, am I wearing a sign that says,

"I'm a rube. Take advantage of me"?

Father, I hope this doesn't seem inappropriate,

especially since I paid you $5.00 to lay your hands on me,

but I do need your advice.

I, um... I have a secret that I've kept from my fiance.

I've shaved two years off of my age.

Marriage is based on trust,

so I think you should be honest with him.

About everything?

Everything except tonight.

Got you.

I mean, how many Hail Marys do you have to say

for grabbing a priest's butt?

You know what the worst thing is?

Stuart set this whole thing up.

Now we have to turn the other cheek.

Well, ladies, the Bible does speak of retribution.

So if I sent them the male stripper

that was supposed to come here?

Revenge is a dish best served naked.

Huh!

MIKE: I'm gonna make you a proposition, okay?

You don't need to hold, you know, all of us hostage.

So, why don't you let me and the youngster go?

Mike!

You'll be fine.

Look, nobody leaves.

Come on. Hey, hey, it's for the mayor.

Don't you like the mayor?

To tell you the truth, he's been a little tough on crime.

Did you vote?

No. Well, if you didn't vote,

I don't think it's fair for you to criticize.

Now, were you to vote for us in this upcoming election...

Mike, are you actually campaigning?

(SAFE BEEPS)

Oh, hey, there it is. Good. Grab it.

Come on. Grab the loot. Chop, chop! Let's go.

Oh, great. bad guy wins again.

Oh, hey, uh, listen, before you grab the money and run,

do you mind throwing some encouraging words to my friend over there?

He's a little down on New York.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Uh, look, the tap water's great.

Now give me your watch.

Excuse me. I'm looking for City Hall.

Get him, get him!

Hey, listen, I got to find this Mike Flaherty guy.

No, that's me. I'm Mike Flaherty.

Now... Now do your job!

Here? Yes, here! Hurry up!

It's your party.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Mike, we don't need help from a bunch of girls.

We need to move it, not give it a manicure.

Stuart, why are you holding a standard wrench?

The bolts are obviously metric.

Don't you have a socket around here with a ratchet driver?

Of course we do.

If you're gonna be snippy about it,

you can just find it yourself.

So what have you guys tried?

Well, we tried mixing tequila with gin.

Made us dance.

Didn't do anything for the finger.

Sounds like a great bachelor party.

Yeah? How was mass?

It was very funny.

How was Officer Speedo?

Oh, he was excellent. Thanks.

If we don't have honesty, then what do we have?

Oh, Paul.

Yes, okay, undying love,

eternal soul mates, blah, blah, blah.

Hey, James. Hey, guys, listen.

Claudia lied to me about her age.

Hey, Paul. How's Claudia enjoying that new Rolex you got her?

I forgive you.

Thank you.

Honey, why is Rolex spelled with 3 Xs?

It's the, uh, the sports model.

It's been a rough day, Mike. I'm headed home.

This is for protection.

What, in case a tree attacks?

We wrenched it, we drilled it,

the girls are even setting it on fire.

That thing is indestructible!

The worst thing was the more we tried,

it just kept giving us the finger.

Damn it. We are running out of time.

Well, good luck, guys.

James, James, look. You're not the only guy this has ever happened to.

My first day in New York, mugged on the subway.

Held up at the ATM.

The pond in the 14th hole of the Pinehurst country club,

stolen many of my golf balls.

I remember the first time I got mugged.

Talk about embarrassing. It was by a woman.

She came up to me, made small talk,

put her hand in my pocket, then made off with my wallet.

Stuart, that's horrible.

I've paid more to get less.

Look, James, you've got a decision to make, okay?

You can either let this own you,

or you can rise above it.

Why... Why did you move to New York in the first place?

Because I thought it'd be exciting.

Well, you can't have excitement without a little danger.

Why is the roller coaster fun, huh?

Why do people go rock-climbing?

Why is there a thrill to lock the office door

and get naked before you talk to the governor?

For instance.

I'll do it.

I'm gonna give peace a chance.

That's it. You're a genius.

No, no, Mike, I didn't write that. John Mellencamp did.

John Lennon, James.

No, no, he used to be John Lennon Mellencamp.

Now he's just John Mellencamp.

Ladies and gentlemen,

to mark our commitment to the arts,

it is my privilege to present to you this statue

which we commissioned and will stand here

as a symbol of this administration.

Sir, do you mind if James pulls the rope?

But, Mike, I... I love this kind of stuff.

It's why I became the mayor.

Oh, all right. Go on.

Why does that one finger look so odd?

It looks like it's made of spackle

and just perched on there.

I don't wanna be so presumptuous as to speak for the artist,

but I believe that's a commentary on how we take peace for granted,

and how we could lose it at any moment.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(GASPING) Now that's just obscene.

Well, this is healthy.