Original subtitles

Anything I need to know about this Indian delegation?

first of all, sir, it's Native American. Oh.

And everything you need to know is right here on these cards.

I've often wondered if Indian children

played Cowboys and Indians.

I believe they did, sir,

but they call it "for God's sake,

"would you please stop killing us?"

Ah! This is an honor, Chief Awatha.

Or Phil.

This is mayor Randall Winston.

Pleasure to meet you, Chief... Mayor.

Phil.

You know, I've been studying a bit of history.

You are descendants of the Punsee tribe.

That's right, Mr. Mayor.

You were a hostile people...

known for your aggression towards settlers.

Maybe we should get to the presentation. Hmm.

On behalf of the Punsee nation,

we present this ceremonial bowl to the city of New York.

This is beautiful. Did you find it

When you were searching for some ancient burial site?

Actually, sir, they were breaking ground for a new casino.

Six levels of nickel slots.

You guys are probably gonna make enough money

on that deal to buy back Manhattan.

I'm glad you find the theft of our land so amusing.

(DOOR SLAMS)

The Punsees are a humorless people.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Carter, as always,

I appreciate your initiative.

Programming our computers to automatically replace the word "black"

with the more politically correct "African-American"...

That was... that's just smart thinking.

Something should have been done long ago. MIKE: Yeah.

I'm holding in my hand

one of 1,000 invitations that went out

for the mayor's press corps dinner next week.

It's obviously a formal event, because...

African-American tie is required.

Oh, no.

I'm wearing a jacket given to me by Nipsy Russell.

Between this and that Native American incident,

you gotta watch what you say around here.

Seems like I'm the only one not shooting my mouth off,

like some gossipy hysterical woman. (CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna go over to Chief Phil's,

make sure he wasn't offended. Anyone wanna come with me?

All right, Carter. We'll go right after work.

Why didn't you pick me, Mike?

I mean, you never pick me for anything.

That's not true. When I was out of town that week,

who did I have collect my mail?

James, I'm sure the only reason Mike is taking me

is because I, like the Punsees,

am a member of an oppressed minority.

Minority?

You're Black and you're gay.

You cover two-thirds of the earth's surface.

You're like water.

All right, finally,

we had a little problem last night

with the number 12 train to Brooklyn.

Mike, number 12 train doesn't go to Brooklyn.

Yeah, well, tell that to Ralph Shindlebeck out in Flatbush.

The front car is in his living room.

The post says the conductor was using drugs.

Let's put it this way, James.

When the cops showed up,

he was trying to drag the train

out of the living room by himself.

Because this conductor is a city employee,

they're dredging up that thing that happened last month

with that guy from accounting.

He was on drugs?

Yeah, James. His last quarterly report said

we were four kilos over budget.

As a preemptive strike, I have decided

that all of the mayor's staff should take drug tests.

(ALL MOANING) Oh, man.

Before we get into this,

Does anybody have anything that they would like to confess?

Because believe me, now is the time.

Okay, I admit it.

I'm on the 'roids.

Is anybody taking any drugs that are working?

Hi. I'm Abby Lassiter, Paul's mother.

Hiya, Ma. Oh.

Could see the resemblance in the, uh...

the last name.

I'll get my coat.

Mrs. Lassiter, so lovely to see you.

You are a vision.

Now, Stuart, remember our rule?

Ten feet.

I'm all done.

Whoever has to go to the bathroom next,

just fill out the proper forms

with this young lady right here.

Oh, my. Paul said you ran an efficient office.

Good to see you, Mrs. Lassiter. Oh.

And I suppose congratulations are in order

on Paul's engagement.

What do you mean?

Yeah, I know. None of us can believe it either.

Paul, are you engaged?

No! No, I would never make a life decision like that

without talking to you.

Mike says you are.

Give me a second.

How on Earth could you not tell your mother you're engaged?

Don't let it be that horrible Claudia woman.

Once again, Chief, the mayor and I would like to apologize

for yesterday's unfortunate misunderstanding.

We'd like you to come down to City Hall,

and we thought that we'd all take the bowl

down to the Museum of Natural History together.

I don't know, Mr. Flaherty.

You can't just pacify us

with some hollow ceremony. We feel...

We'll plug the new casino. Done.

Why don't you stay, and we'll celebrate our new agreement?

We'd be honored. Thank you.

Setting Sun, would you pass the bowl around the circle?

(CHIEF PHIL CLEARS THROAT) Oh. Thanks.

Oh, no, wait!

We don't drink that.

Oh, well, then you don't know what you're missing.

This is good. It's tangy, it's delicious. It's...

Peyote.

That's not good.

I was just passing it around as a ceremonial bonding.

We only consume that on our land.

Isn't that illegal?

Not for members of the Punsee nation.

How do I become a member of that organization?

Don't worry. You'll be fine.

For about 14 minutes.

Mike, we should get you home.

If you wish, you could lie down here for a while

and maybe join us for dinner tomorrow.

I like Indian food. Not your Indian food...

The kind with the curry.

Hey, how come you guys don't have any restaurants in town?

You should do that, because people love...

Corn.

(WHISPERS) Mike!

(HESITATING) I know. Maize.

We're gonna leave. Yeah.

Well, thanks. Thanks again for...

For your hospitality, Phil...

Setting.

CARTER: I don't believe you're here.

You swallowed half a bowl of a powerful hallucinogen.

Carter, I was in a situation where drugs were present.

I got out of there as quickly as I could,

but not before ingesting a small amount.

Of course, off the record,

Before bed, I'm pretty sure

I brushed my teeth with peanut butter.

And this morning, on my night stand,

there was a piece of paper on which I'd written,

"Once bread becomes toast,

"It can never go back to being bread again."

There are you.

I'm afraid one of the technicians at the lab

had a breakdown yesterday.

I'm so sorry, but we'll need to get another urine sample.

Well, great. Okay.

Why don't you wait for me in the bathroom?

Carter, quick. How long does it take for a hallucinogen

to get out of your system?

Six to eight weeks.

Somebody get that nurse a chair.

I made all that stuff up.

The truth is I ran out on Claudia.

It's my fault.

So you're not a coke mule for the Cali Cartel?

Paul, I told you not to watch Cinemax at night.

It gives you ideas.

And she never blew your life savings on the ponies?

And I'm guessing she doesn't burn

your grilled cheese sandwiches every time.

Paulie, I thought you liked them that way.

Oh, I can't keep up with the lies.

Just tell me. Are you two really engaged?

Ma? Yes?

I want you to be strong when you hear this.

Your little boy's getting married.

When your father passed away, you were 18 years old,

and promised myself then that

I would never date another man

until you were married.

Obviously, I had no idea it would take this long.

All right, my specimen is signed, sealed, and delivered.

This is not good. They're gonna test it,

they're gonna find the drugs,

and who are they gonna think gave it to you?

They'll go straight to the Italian girl.

Relax, Okay? Stuart helped me switch the specimen.

How'd you pull that off?

Well, let's just say that

any time anyone wants to ask

James' magic 8-ball a question,

The answer is gonna be, "ask again later,

"coz I'm filled with urine."

Mike,

I broke the Punsee bowl.

It was an unavoidable accident.

How'd you do that, sir?

I was spinning it on a stick and it fell.

Those things happen. Yeah.

Those Indian American natives are not gonna be happy.

Well, the good news is, sir,

you're dangerously close to being politically correct.

We have to fix this thing, Mike.

It's my scalp on the line.

Sir, as your head of minority affairs,

I have to tell you that could be construed as racially insensitive.

Oh, give me a break, Carter!

I'm under a lot of stress here.

We smoke-um peace pipe some other time!

Mike, the nurse just called.

Said the test results would be back in the morning.

Great. Oh, listen. Hey, I wanna thank whoever it was

who provided me with my sample.

Finally I get recognized for something.

It was you? It was yours?

I was the only one who had to go.

Wait, is that okay?

The only thing they're gonna find is aspirin

And maybe the occasional antihistamine.

Oh.

And you don't think

that my birth control pills will cause a problem, do you?

No, I'm sure my gynecologist can explain that.

This is serious.

They're gonna think somebody tampered with the sample.

Mike, you did tamper with the sample.

Can't you just tell them that you're taking estrogen?

Why?

(STUTTERING) What am I, like that she-man

Up in accounting?

Who?

You know, Sherry...

Big-hands Sherry.

I just had a thought.

Please, would you share it with me?

Why on Earth would Nikki be taking birth control pills?

Sometimes a girl carries an umbrella just in case it rains.

Well, I'd sell that umbrella and stock up on sunscreen,

'cause the forecast calls for another year of drought.

Stuart, the condom in your wallet is so old

it could have been used by actual Trojans.

Is anybody gonna help me out here?

Anyone at all?

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

You don't let me help.

You treat me like I'm a little kid.

Okay, Fine. Come with me.

I'm not a kid.

No, I know you're not a kid, James.

And James? I'll race you to the parking lot. (EXCLAIMS GIDDILY)

Gets him tired out.

That way he sleeps in the car.

I've got a bull's horn.

I've got a cow's ass.

Join a gym.

It was an accident.

Think the Indians are really gonna be that mad?

No, no, no. They're not Indians, Stuart.

They're Native Americans.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's not just about words.

These are the names that define a people.

You wanna choose how you're looked at by the world.

You don't want it thrust upon you by someone else.

Did you hear the one about the two proud Polish-Americans

who were the backbone of the industrial age

despite being oppressed by the Northern European majority?

I love that one. (CHUCKLES)

(ALL CHUCKLE)

You're a jackass.

What about respecting my heritage?

I am.

I'm sure you come from a long line of jackasses.

I hope they don't see those cracks.

Yeah, or else they might make it rain inside your office.

(LAUGHING)

Sorry, Carter.

Jackass.

This is so cool.

Mike, I feel like James Bond.

(MIMICKING SEAN CONNERY) I like my martinis shaken, not stirred.

(DROPS FLASHLIGHT)

Watch your head. What?

(THUD) Agh!

So, where do you think these samples are?

They must be in the refrigerator.

Hey, can I get you a cold one?

We have every kind of domestic,

and if you feel like an import,

there's always Hans from the mail room.

And there I am. Mike Flaherty.

From this day forward,

I shall no longer be on the birth control pill.

Hell, I may throw caution to the wind

and get rid of my diaphragm, too.

Mike, if you dump your sample, you're gonna have to replace it.

Why do you think I bought you three big gulps on the way over here?

I thought we were bonding.

Fill 'er up.

Come on, let's go.

(ZIPPER OPENING)

What? It's cold in here.

It's only 28 days till your wedding.

You got your eye on a special mother-of-the-groom dress?

You should be looking for one that says,

"I'm proud of my little boy.

"I love my new daughter-in-law,

"and gentlemen, I am in play."

Maybe you could give me some advice.

How do you attract men these days?

Oh, come on.

You mean to tell me you didn't shake it when you were young?

Please! The only thing my mother ever shook

was a handful of dice on Yahtzee night.

It's true. I didn't really date much

before I met Paul's father.

Growing up, my two sisters got all the boys.

How could that be?

They put out.

Oh, Aunt Jan and Aunt Leone put out!

Oh, God, this is the worst day of my life.

You just need to hang out your "open for business" sign.

You know, loosen up. Take off your jacket.

Okay.

Okay That'll do it.

Anything yet?

Mike, I can't go if you keep pressuring me.

Okay, okay.

(EXHALES)

You know, if you don't go, I could lose my job.

Mike!

Sorry. Sorry.

You know, my mom used to sing me a song

when she wanted me to pee.

That explains so much.

♪♪ Hush, little Jamie, it won't take long

♪♪ Mama's gonna sing you the pee pee song

♪♪ Use your little potty, it'll be fun

♪♪ You'll get a treat if you go number one ♪♪

So is it working?

Someone else has to sing.

(SIGHS)

♪♪ Hush, little Jamie

♪♪ It won't take long

♪♪ Mikey's gonna sing you

♪♪ The pee pee song

♪♪ Use your little potty

♪♪ It'll be fine... ♪♪

Fun, Mike. All right, that's it!

(POUNDS) (ALARM SOUNDS)

Oh. Oh, goodness.

Okay, Come on. Let's get out of here.

Are you sure? 'Cause this is helping.

CARTER: Mr. Mayor, you remember Chief Phil.

Mr. Mayor, thank you for having us back.

Well, it's an honor to have you back.

(EXHALES) (CLINKS)

Here's your bowl.

(CLINKING)

You broke it.

Yes, we did.

Most people would have tried

to glue it back together and pass it off.

We did that, too.

I can't express how sorry we are.

We know it's an ancient Indian artifact... Native American, sir.

I'll be honest. I'm an Indian,

and I get tired of all this political correctness.

I mean, everybody's walking around on eggshells.

Well, Chief, you don't have to worry about that with me.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Well, good, because I had you pegged

as some kind of uptight WASP.

Yeah, you see, Carter? Actually, I'm a Lutheran.

Well, that's a WASP.

Well, then. Good call.

Just say it, Mike. You trusted me, and I let you down.

James, it's not your fault.

Are you kidding me? We never made the switch.

All 'cause I couldn't deliver in the clutch.

What about last month, okay, when the mayor announced

that task force on teenage prostitution?

You came up with a slogan for us in, what? Like, five minutes.

Mike, I borrowed that from the cereal commercial.

Really? "Tricks aren't for kids"?

I screwed up, okay? Like always. Stop it.

No, no. Please, I'm a failure,

and I need to hear you say that.

What do you wanna hear?

No, you are not always great under pressure.

You are definitely not my go-to guy.

I can't believe you said that.

(ALL MAKE DISAPPROVING NOISES)

Fine, fine, I will talk to him.

Mr. Flaherty? This is very embarrassing.

We had another problem with your sample.

Somehow it got lost.

What do you people think,

that I go to the bathroom every day?

Whenever you're ready.

I can't do this.

I mean, there's still gonna be drugs in my system.

Here you go, Mike.

I'm clean and I filled it up this morning.

For fun.

You know, in second grade

I did that in the little girl's room.

They made me go see a special doctor.

With the incident at the lab,

we're tightening up security.

I also have to make sure that no one tries

to smuggle a clean sample in.

"Not likely."

You know, I consider us friends, Jan.

June. June.

And as a friend,

What if I were to swear to you

that I'm not a narcotics user,

but there's a very valid reason

why I couldn't do this right now?

Good job.

Your boss asked me to test you.

You passed with flying colors.

You know, I'd invite you in,

But I think my parents are home.

Mr. Flaherty. I know, I know.

Yes!

You are my go-to guy!

Mr. Flaherty, who are you talking to?

Sorry. Sometimes he needs a little encouragement.

Oh.

You are the man, little buddy.

I am so proud of you.

I'll wait outside.

MIKE: I want you to stand up and take a bow.

You're grown up now,

and you found a wonderful woman

to share your life with and...

It's time for me to find someone.

Don't you want your mom to have the same happiness

that you and I have?

You have my blessing.

Okay, David, come on over.

Paul, I'd like you to meet my new friend.

Happy to meet you.

It's gonna be a long time

before I can accept anyone, Ma.

He's a millionaire, Paul.

Hi, Pop.