Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on Spin city.

I can't tell you how much fun I'm having on this trip.

Well, I can't tell you how much fun it's been having you here.

Hi.

Mom.

I said freeze!

(GUN FIRES) (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

I heard some poor guy

standing near the candy machines got hit.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty,

I get shot.

Okay, people, here is our problem.

The Mayor was caught handing money to a known prostitute.

You lost me my job.

My lawyer says I have an open and shut case.

See you in court, sonny.

You cannot believe what I've been through tonight.

I have spent the whole night scouring the city

searching for the Mayor.

Hey, is that breakfast?

There he is.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Good morning, people. ALL: Good morning.

All right. I'm sure we're all focused on the same problem,

So let's get right down to it.

Mr. Fluffy,

the children's zoo mascot,

has recovered from mange

And is now available for petting.

However, until he's completely out of the woods,

there is a two-stroke maximum.

Mr. Scruffy's speedy recovery notwithstanding...

It's Mr. Fluffy, Carter.

I've seen him, Mike. His fluffy days

are way behind him.

Don't we still have that tiny problem

with the photo of the Mayor with the prostitute?

No, that's over with, I...

I found the Mayor.

He was not with a prostitute last night,

so our strategy in dealing with this is straight denial.

What do I say if somebody asks me about this?

You tell them you don't know anything.

But I don't Know anything.

Very good.

Hope you all learned from James.

Learned what?

Will you stop showing off?

What about the picture, Mike?

A simple misunderstanding, media distortion, uh...

tabloid sensationalism.

I don't know, Mike. I saw the Mayor this morning,

and he didn't look like a man

that had spent the night alone.

I'm happy to report, he is alone

and unloved.

All right, let's move on to something a little lighter.

Hey, Paul. How's your head wound?

Hank still suing you, Paul?

Yes. But...

The last thing I need here is a lot of publicity

about one City Hall employee suing another one.

Here's the thing.

I have already applied and been accepted on

Ed Koch's The People's Court, taping this afternoon.

Please tell me if you lose, you go to jail.

Here it is, my family's Thanksgiving recipe

for the best sweet potato pie in the world.

Mmm. Guard it with your life.

This is a xeroxed page from The Joy of Cooking.

That book's been in our family for years.

I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving.

I love the whole thing. You know, a little snow on the ground,

a little touch football game before dinner.

Get to sit at the kiddie table.

You still sit at the kiddie table?

Big fish, small pond.

Thanksgiving at my house is nothing but a bunch of

fat, over-stuffed drunks sitting in front of a TV

turned up so loud, they can't hear each other.

Oh, and me in the bedroom rifling through their jackets.

So, that's five days and four nights at the Bahamas Hilton, huh?

Is the continental breakfast included in that?

Excellent. Thank you.

Your family's going to the Bahamas for Thanksgiving?

I hope not, because that's where I'm gonna be.

So you're not gonna spend Thanksgiving With your parents?

The only mama I want to see is the Bahama Mama.

What is this, some kind of fruity Club Med?

Actually, it's a very secluded part of the island.

Nothing but palm trees, warm sand,

me, three books, and my towel.

Mmm.

I have a towel.

I could get a book.

Oh, no. No. No.

(SINGING) ♪♪ Day-o, da-ay-o ♪♪

Oh, no.

♪♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home ♪♪

See, you're all singing, but you're not going.

♪♪ Hey, Mister Tallyman ♪♪

You're thinking of traveling with me on my vacation,

but that ain't happening.

So you can stop singing.

I'm sure you're feeling uncomfortable.

Sir, with all due respect,

sitting on a red hot poker is uncomfortable.

This is excruciating.

Maybe we should just

put it on the back burner for a whi...

I was kind of hoping you could explain that picture.

Well, I was asking for change.

How was I supposed to know she was a prostitute?

Sir, what does she look like to you?

She reminds me of that woman

that Stuart brought to the governor's ball.

Oh.

Thank goodness we can explain this whole situation.

I think I can handle this

without bringing my mother into it.

I... I was, uh,

wanting to save subjecting her sex life

to the scrutiny of the New York press for her Christmas visit.

Oh, she's coming for Christmas.

Uh... Sir, if you don't mind,

my mother's in there, and I was kind of hoping

we'd have a little mother-son bonding.

Can I at least say "hi"?

I think you've had your quality time.

Hey, Ma.

Mike, honey, I am so unbelievably sorry.

Just a minute.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Still bonding, sir.

MAYOR: I'm sorry.

Good morning, Mommy.

Oh, it's fake happy Mike.

You're angry.

Mom.

Honey, I can't believe what an awkward position I've put you in.

Believe me, I never planned for this to happen.

I know. I made your schedule.

This was not on it.

PAUL: Stacey.

I've been looking high and low for you.

Well, maybe you should try getting out of your chair.

It'll increase your odds.

No, Stacey, Stacey,

I need you to testify for me at the People's Court.

Oh, listen Van Gogh,

I can't possibly take off work.

I'm sorry. It's a definite "no".

All right, I'll go On TV myself. Fine.

National TV?

Yeah.

Millions of cute guys watching?

Uh-huh.

All right, I'll do it.

Here, I want you to look at these books, okay?

Now, I've highlighted some of the cases that are similar to mine,

And I've made some notes on some questions that they're likely to ask.

You know what you do? Call up the law library,

see if they can dig up some legal precedence that we can cite.

I'm on it, Paulie.

Yeah, Ma?

I'm gonna be on TV.

Yeah, no, I don't know, some stupid thing.

We just got together to talk, you know, like old friends!

And the next thing you know,

we wind up in my hotel room.

If this conversation goes any further,

I may be forced to go on a tri-state killing spree.

I don't blame you.

You're embarrassed.

No, look, It's all right.

Growing up together, we had embarrassing moments all the time.

We did not.

When I lost my virginity?

You walked in,

mid-lose.

That was an honest mistake.

Mom, you stayed and talked.

She seemed a bit confused.

So you swear I didn't cause you

any big problems here at work?

Mike, here's the morning papers

with a really big picture... You know what?

I read those, uh, yesterday.

Mom, you did not cause me any problems. Okay?

There is no reason that you should feel bad about any of this.

I just want you to know The last thing I thought Would happen on my visit,

that I'd wind up sleeping with the mayor of New York City.

Did we forget to knock?

I know, I know, we all have different last names.

No, they're not my family. They're just...

Friends.

I know, I know, bad idea.

Stuart, I don't feel well.

Knowing about Mike's mom and the Mayor is killing me.

James, secrets are power.

You get something good like this, you sit on it.

Right now, you leak it,

it's just office gossip that makes everyone uncomfortable.

But, in 20 years, when Mike's running for president,

this little gem gets me an ambassadorship to Sweden.

What do I get?

A topless postcard from Sweden.

We just connected, you know?

The Mayor is really an amazing man.

He's... He's smart, He's funny,

He's sweet.

You know, if you thought about it, you'd see.

I guess it's kind of uncomfortable

talking to your mother about sex.

Oh, no, Mom, I've been looking forward to this day.

Before I give them the last digit of my credit card number,

to confirm this ill-conceived and non-refundable

mistake of a vacation,

are you all sure?

ALL: Bahamas! Bahamas! Bahamas! Bahamas!

I'll book it if you promise

never to chant "Bahamas" again.

(WHISPERING) Okay, okay, okay, okay

(WHISPERING) Stop.

Eight.

(SCOFFS) All right, thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT) It's done.

(ALL CHEERING)

Block of rooms, garden view.

Wait a second, garden view?

That's the opposite of ocean view.

Hey, foxy lady, you want to come back

to my garden view room?

I asked for the garden.

The noise from the ocean keeps me up at night.

So would the noise from my foxy lady,

if I had an ocean view room.

Hey, Stacey, any chance the national media

has picked up on the story with the Mayor?

Uh, Ma, yeah, I gotta go. The Mayor pulled an Uncle Louie last night.

Um, nothing national,

but did you see the headline in The Post?

"His Honor was on her."

Very clever.

Jason's really killing us. Sorry, Mike.

It doesn't matter. It's under control.

I got Jason coming over here right now.

Jason's coming up here?

Damn, I hate this tie.

Hey, Mike. Carter.

Great tie.

Yes.

Listen, Jason, about this story in the morning paper...

I thought it was great, by the way.

You didn't think it was too wordy?

Why are you so hard on yourself?

You're so talented. I tell you

(CARTER AND JASON TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)

Please.

Okay, here's the deal.

I have an explanation for this picture,

and I'm gonna back it up

as soon as this hooker comes in here

and tells you she was not with the Mayor last night.

I'm having the police pick her up right now.

On what charge?

I don't know, James. Let's keep our Fingers crossed

and hope she does something illegal

while she's trying to get people to pay her to have sex.

Don't bother, Mike. I already talked to her.

And she's writing a book

detailing her five-year relationship with the Mayor.

Sorry, buddy.

No. Jason, wait.

Carter, uh... Do something.

So, we still on for tonight?

She's lying, Jason.

How could you possibly know that?

Do you have some kind of alibi?

No.

No, I don't.

Mike's mom is the perfect alibi.

Should I go remind him?

Only if you're bucking for promotion.

Wait a minute.

So close!

STUART: Hey.

Stuart.

I'm sure you have an impressive array

of "your mom slept With the mayor" jokes.

Let me assure you the punch line to every one of them

is "Mike, let go of my neck."

I'm not here to make jokes.

There will be plenty of time for that later.

So, how do these little heart-to-hearts work?

First, you gotta get yourself a heart.

I think I know what you're feeling, Mike.

After my parents got divorced, uh,

my mom would bring guys home

and fool around with them.

It really bugged me.

That's because you lived in a studio apartment.

It's amazing I came away

with such a healthy attitude toward the chicks.

I just wish I had a sister for you.

Look, that's not my problem, Stu.

I just love my mom too much

to throw her into this mess.

Well, you know, Mike,

there comes a time

when you gotta let people

make their own decisions

and make their own mistakes,

and you have to trust that your mom is gonna find her way.

That's beautiful, Stuart.

Thank you.

James wrote that, didn't he?

Yeah, but it was my idea.

Sure it wasn't Nikki's idea?

Hey, I'm in here, all right?

(COURT TV THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: This sweet old man is the plaintiff,

Hank Dorsett.

ALL: Aw!

NARRATOR: He claims he was wrongfully terminated

because of the actions of the defendant.

He's suing for $2500 to help him get by

until his social security Kicks in.

Meet the defendant, Paul Lassiter.

ALL: Boo!

NARRATOR: He says he was minding his own business

at a City Hall candy machine

when the plaintiff grazed him with a bullet.

He stands accused of costing Hank his job

by filing a complaint

over a routine and unavoidable Workplace injury.

All rise.

The People's Court is now in session.

The honorable Edward I. Koch is now presiding.

Be seated and come to order.

Good day. Good day.

I've taken a look at the case,

and it appears to be clear

what the problem is.

So, Hank,

why don't you tell us your side of the story?

Well, I was hoping that my lawyer would be here to help me.

NARRATOR: This is Alan Dershowitz.

He's doing this as a favor for Hank

who saved Mr. Dershowitz's father's life during the war.

I'm sorry I'm late, Ed.

No problem, Alan.

Your Honor, I object!

He has a lawyer!

He has Alan Dershowitz!

Okay, vacation buddies. I've done it,

And I think I managed to accommodate everyone.

(CLEARS THROAT) One garden view room,

one pool view room, one ocean view room.

Group meals.

Vegetarian, meat and potatoes,

kosher. I like the way it tastes.

And we're sitting

in whatever section has the hottest waitress.

Carter, I'm very impressed.

(ALL CLAMORING EXCITEDLY)

Okay, Stuart, you and James have a room.

Uh, Janelle, you and Nikki have a room.

And I have my own room. See you on the beach.

Wait a minute, "Mr. I have my own room

"and then turn and walk away."

Oh, come on, guys. This is gonna be great.

Let's, uh, try to keep it together.

Together. That's a very interesting choice of words

from someone who's rooming alone.

Fine.

James, you can take the single room.

Stuart and I will room together.

So now the little plan comes into focus.

Why doesn't one of us get the single room?

Yeah, that sounds fair.

Fine. Janelle, you can have the single room.

When I said "one of us", I meant "one of me."

Oh, you know what? I have had it!

(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

Why wouldn't you say anything?

I mean, didn't you realize that sooner or later

I was gonna find out about the prostitute story?

I tried to keep her busy, Mike.

I was just trying to protect you, Mom.

MACY: I can't tell you how much it hurts me

to realize that you don't think I can handle this.

You don't think I can fend for myself.

No, I just... I just

I love you, Mom.

He really does. He says so all the time.

Sir, if you don't mind, I'd really be more comfortable

if you just stayed out of this part.

No problem.

Honey, you've been very protective of me

ever since your father and I split up,

and I am very grateful for that.

You've got to recognize

how strong I am.

So let me... Let me fix this for you.

Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT) I can do that.

Promise me one thing. Okay?

You name it.

Promise me that you'll never,

ever

have sex with anyone

for as long as you live.

It's a deal.

MAYOR: Aw.

Your Honor, before we go any further,

I just... I want to say one thing.

I'm being sued for getting shot in the head!

And?

Maybe I could shed some light on this.

Yeah, that's right. She was there.

She saw the whole thing. Tell him, Stace.

STACEY: Hi.

I'm Stacey Paterno.

Twenty-three.

On the morning in question,

I was single, as I am now.

I arrived at City Hall

where I am making good money.

I believe I was wearing a tasteful outfit,

showing off my nice figure.

And I plan on keeping it even after I'm married.

Thank you for your testimony, Ms. Paterno.

Yeah, thanks for Your help, Stace.

Your Honor, please,

I have a written statement from the doctor.

I have the results from the ballistics test.

I've lost 30% of the hearing in my right ear.

Ed, I don't have a list of those exhibits.

Motion to suppress!

Granted!

He shot me in the head!

All right. I've spoken to the resort.

I've spoken to my travel agent.

I've spoken to my priest.

This cannot be worked out.

I've canceled the vacation.

Good. Give me my money back.

You remember when I told you this was non-refundable?

I rarely listen to you.

This is non-refundable.

Well then, I'll just take a check.

And so, as much as you'd all like to believe

that the Mayor was with a prostitute,

he was actually with me.

Are you saying that You slept with the Mayor, Mrs. Flaherty?

Who said that?

It was that guy in the back, Mom?

Do you have a mother?

Yes.

Do you have a cell phone?

Yes.

Well, I suggest you use your cell phone

and call your mother

and ask her how she'd feel

if someone asked her that question.

I love her fire, Mike.

Not now, sir.

Here comes the plaintiff now.

Congratulations, Hank.

We were all rooting for you.

How does it feel to be the first plaintiff

to be awarded more than he was asking for?

Oh, I was surprised.

I really didn't think I had as strong a case

as the judge told me I did.

Go right this way. The court officer's got

some documents for you to sign.

And here comes the loser.

No questions.

You signed a contract saying you would answer anything...

So sue me!

Watch out for Billy,

the cameraman.

(BILLY GRUNTS)

HOST: Your camera okay, Billy?

So what do you think is gonna happen between you and the Mayor?

Oh, I don't know.

Randall's very dear, you know?

But we live on opposite coasts,

and we're both very busy.

He's not as busy as you think.

He's very sweet, you know.

It's nice to meet a man

who is not put off by a successful woman.

You had to go straight to the mayor of New York?

And you don't have to talk to the Mayor.

I will talk to him tomorrow.

Nah, you'd better let me handle it.

Honey, honey, You don't have to protect me anymore.

No, I'm protecting him.

He likes it.

Carter?

What's this?

What?

I'm swallowing my pride

and going home to spend Thanksgiving with my family.

No, no.

You're still going to the Bahamas.

No!

Now, haven't You people done enough?

We're sorry. Have a good time With your family.

Thank you.

Ah!

Yes, I traded in your rooms

for a deluxe suite for myself!

So sue me!

Suite? That's two bedrooms!

Pull-out couch!

We can still make it. Let's meet at the airport.

Bahamas, Bahamas...