Original subtitles

I don't know what you sleep in at home,

but I don't generally allow cowboy boots in my bed.

You afraid they might scuff your NFL sheets?

I think we can both be proud

of what we did to the Pittsburgh Steelers tonight.

I guess this is good night.

Oh. You know, listen.

I'm sorry. I, uh...

I should've said something earlier, but, uh...

You're welcome to stay here tonight If you'd like to.

Oh. Did I just get the obligatory Invite?

Well, it would only seem fair after...

Your obligatory...

Best sex I ever had.

Uh, look, Mike, I appreciate the offer,

but I have a really busy day tomorrow, you know.

I kind of like my space when I sleep, and besides...

All my stuff is at home. All my stuff is at home.

That's my line.

I mean, I've said that, like, a thousand times.

Three times.

Look, um, Mike, what we just did

doesn't really change our relationship.

Au contraire.

I think it makes it way better.

Look, you don't have to send me flowers, all right?

You don't have to call me.

I'm the same girl I was 40 minutes ago.

You wanna be a pal and round that up to an hour?

Good night. Good night.

Well, I feel so used.

Yes!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa!

Yeah.

I take it things went well

with Laurie over the weekend?

Well, that's none of your business...

Whether you're wrong or whether

you're unbelievably right.

Okay, changing the subject,

apparently there's a reserved diplomatic parking space

on the Upper West Side,

Nowhere near the United Nations

or any of the embassies,

and here's the funny part...

Stuart, It's right In front of your apartment.

Really?

And the car that parks there,

it's the same one

you drive to work every day.

Okay, this is getting weird.

Well, the spot's gone, the car's towed,

and you pay these tickets at your leisure.

All right, everybody, let's get out there

and hey, let's govern this city.

It's a new line. I'm trying it out.

GIve me a break.

Hey, James,

want to get together for lunch?

Oh, sorry, Carter, I can't.

Hey, Scooter, why do you disappear

every day at lunch?

It's kind of personal.

Personal like a sick relative

or personal like a rash?

I'd just rather keep it to myself.

Rash.

Sir, Janelle has been working with us

for some time now.

No raises, Mike.

That settles that.

Mm-mm!

Mr. Mayor, uh, we both know

how hard it is to find a good assistant

in New York City.

INTERCOM: Sir, Mike and Janelle would like to see you.

Mr. Mayor, I would even be in here asking,

but someone abolished rent control.

Tell you what, why don't you let me think about It.

Plan to do some thinking this afternoon,

and I'll try to squeeze it In.

Going somewhere, James?

Uh...lunch.

What's in the bag?

A big lunch.

I can't believe your life is so hollow, so meaningless,

that you would actually follow...

Are you coming or not? Let me get my coat.

Hey, Laurie call for me?

Even better. She stopped by.

Great.

I thought we could eat...Talk...

Maybe...make out a little.

And they say It's hard to get in to see the deputy mayor.

Uh, listen, I'll just be a few minutes, all right.

No biggie.

Did you hear that?

No biggie.

I could go in now.

I could go in later.

I could stand out here and dance a little jig.

And it's no biggie.

I have found the perfect woman.

Yeah, well, I used to think Claudia was the perfect woman

until she ripped my heart out.

Believe you me, Mike,

they're all commitment-hungry bundles

of pure evil!

Cancel Paul's lunch with the women's caucus.

Yo, James!

I think you reach a point In dating

when it's smart to find out the other person's views,

you know, their belief system,

really their, their outlook on life.

Hit me.

Thin Elvis or fat Elvis?

Fat Elvis.

Cigars in public places?

You got a match?

Three Stooges?

Woop-woop-woop-woop!

Very impressive. The judges are beside themselves.

Now, for the dismount.

How do you feel about commitment?

Not looking for it.

Sticks the landing!

Look, Mike, I've been done that path before, you know.

I'm just really not looking for that now.

I'm working on myself and my career.

I'm really just looking to have some fun.

Will you marry me?

Absolutely not.

Which is why I proposed.

How about dinner tonight?

Can't, can't. Mom's In town

for our biannual "why don't I have grandchildren?" dinner.

Yikes. Listen, I don't have any plans if, you know...

There's really no reason I couldn't come by, If you want

Mm. Mike, I don't know, meeting each other's parents?

It's not a good idea.

(THINKING) Look, she doesn't want commitment.

She doesn't want you to meet her mom.

Now leave it alone.

I could just drop by.

Idiot! What are you doing?

Mike, I'm not sure that would be a good idea.

Right, right. Say no more. But...

I know how moms are

and I was just trying to help out.

But believe me, I don't want to go.

Yes, you do!

Oh, no, I don't.

What?

Nothing.

James, I said I was sorry 100 times.

Okay, perhaps you didn't understand me.

We aren't talking.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

I don't know why would you feel you had to hide this?

Aye-aye, Cap'n!

When's the next cruise to the Geek Islands?

I guess I thought Stuart would make fun of me.

You know, as long as you're gonna waste your time

out there with those boatniks,

why don't you try to at least

win that goofy race they have every day?

Don't listen to him, James.

Don't let him corrupt something so pure.

Life is about dominating other people.

Life is about finding inner peace!

Okay, you guys are weirding me out.

So, I'm taking my boat and little James

and I am going home.

Whoa!

That's little James?

Uh-huh. I made him myself.

So, when you said you spent last night

shellacking little James...

You were being literal?

What did you think I meant? Nothing.

Just forget what I said about buffing little Stuart.

Why am I here again?

Moral support.

Oh, right, right.

Anything for you, Janelle.

You're still gonna get me those extra three-ring binders, right?

You got it.

I am so sorry to keep you waiting.

(INTERCOM BUZZER)

NADINE: Sir, your car's ready, and it's right in front of the mansion.

Nadine, I'm at the office.

Oh...Then it'll be a few minutes.

Can you believe her?

She's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Her IQ hits 40, she should sell.

Janelle, I'm going to give you that raise.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

As long as we're on the subject of raises...

Hey, Paul, would you fetch my cognac and two snifters

so we can celebrate?

You betcha, sir.

Looks like we're both gonna be winners today, huh?

And if it's okay with you,

I'm giving you a promotion as well.

I can find a way to live with that.

I'd like you to be my assistant.

Mr. Mayor, I'm honored,

But, sir, Nadine's your assistant.

No, I fired her two days ago.

She just hasn't checked her voicemail yet.

You know, the waiter is handsome.

He's gay.

You always have to find some little flaw to pick at.

Laurie?

Unbelievable!

You mind telling me what the odds are here?

Oh... About zero?

I thought we were doing our own thing tonight.

Yeah, I'm just meeting a buddy.

Oh.

Carol Paris. Please join us.

Whatever you do, don't sit down.

You can get out of this.

Pretend you're sleepwalking.

Uh, Mike Flaherty. Don't mind if I do.

You're on your own.

And Lisa Garrett just got engaged.

I guess she's the last to go.

Wait a second. Who am I forgetting?

Subtle, Mom.

Did you hear Jenny got married?

Yes, Mom. She's my sister.

Look, I didn't want to do this here,

because I haven't talked to Mike about it yet,

but, um...

Mike and I aren't just dating.

I feel like this is the most important relationship

I've ever been in.

I feel...

Exactly the same way.

I'm crazy about you.

Oh.

You are so beautiful.

Oh!

If this goes any further,

I may have to ask you to leave.

Breathe, Mom!

And uh, you're the deputy mayor?

Of the whole city.

I have to go call Sylvia,

and tell her that her doctor son-in-law

can kiss my ass.

I am so glad you showed up.

I am so glad I came.

You were amazing.

You were amazing.

She totally bought it.

Yeah.

What?

Well, this'll keep my mom off my back for at least six months.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, no problem.

it was uh, it was fun...

Pretending.

Look, I'm gonna make sure she gets home okay,

but, uh, after that,

I'm coming over to your place.

I wanna deliver your Academy Award personally.

Bye.

(BLENDER ON)

Listen to that baby go!

Stuart, I'm not putting a blender engine in my boat.

James, you're going to war.

Some guy comes at you with an AK47,

what are you gonna do?

I don't know, make him a daiquiri?

Stuart, the guy doesn't wanna race.

You know, James, there's this great little lake upstate.

next weekend, we will go up there

and we will sail your boat.

Oh, that sounds nice.

Okay, first of all, he's hitting on you.

And secondly, ten speeds, baby!

You pop that sucker into liquefy,

(TURNS ON BLENDER) you go!

She's just not interested In going any further.

Me, I'm already picturing a house in Connecticut,

a couple of Mike juniors running around in the yard,

me tooling around the neighborhood in my new Porsche.

Why not? My wife's a lawyer.

It's time to be honest.

How long can you go on having great, meaningless sex?

What's the record?

The way I see it, you have two choices here.

you can either keep playing games,

or you can just tell her how you feel.

Wanna hear the surefire winner?

Never mind, never mind. Come on.

No, no, no.

You don't want to hear this.

Okay, Paul,

I'm pretty sure this'll be the only time

I ever say this to you in your life.

Tell me what works with the ladies.

If you want this relationship

to move to the next level,

you gotta get her to sleep over.

He's right.

You can date until the end of time,

but not until you wake up wearing that guy's t-shirt

are you in it for the long haul.

Paulie...

Mm. Don't let me fall asleep.

Oh. No, no. Don't worry, I won't.

Okay.

♪♪ Hush little baby

♪♪ Don't say a word

♪♪ Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird

♪♪ If that mockingbird don't sing

♪♪ Mama's gonna...

♪♪ Do some other thing ♪♪

What other thing is mama doing?

Don't you worry about mama.

Mama keeps herself busy.

I gotta go.

Uh, you know, I, I, uh...

I just had this urge.

When was the last time you played Monopoly?

Oh, Mike, I'm exhausted.

You know what it is, I think you need to eat something.

That will perk you up.

So, how about I get you some warm milk?

Turkey leg?

I had a great time.

Do you realize we forgot to have sex tonight?

I've got to get more post-its.

Probably wouldn't have mattered anyway.

If I got within ten feet of that bed,

I would've been out like a light.

Whoo! Well, isn't this sexy?

You sure you can handle this?

No talking.

Phew.

You'll start today?

I really need to speak with Mike about this

before we make it official.

Well, if it would help, I could speak to Mike for you.

And you're willing to do that?

Absolutely.

You're the Mayor. You have to learn to say "no".

Sir?

My senior citizen group is putting on

A production of A Chorus Line, and...

I'll be there.

Damn.

James!

Almost race time. What's it gonna be?

Are you a winner or a loser?

Actually, Stuart, I've been thinking a lot about it

And I'm not a competitive kind of guy.

Okay.

I thought you might say that, so...

I took the liberty of

putting the blender motor in your boat.

Stuart!

He spent a year with his grandfather building that boat,

and you defiled it.

How dare you?

Does it go really fast?

(SIGHS)

Morning, Buttercup.

Morning?

Yeah, it's morning.

The sun's up, birds chirping.

Garbage men are regretting their career choice.

How about a kiss?

City Hall softball team.

Whose shirt is this?

That would be mine.

Mike, where are my clothes?

Oh. They're, uh...

In your drawer.

Hey, doesn't everything seem

different this morning?

You're telling me. I slept in my contacts.

So, what do you wanna do?

Go for a walk, read the paper?

I could make you an omelette.

I, I think I'm just gonna get going.

You ready?

I've never felt so alive in my entire life.

Well, that's not saying much,

but I know what you mean.

Let's kick some ass!

Oh, my God, I just cursed.

Aw, you'll get used to it, my boy.

Now get ready. They're about to fire the gun!

(GUN FIRES) Go, blue!

(GASPS)

My boat.

I thought that might happen.

Tough break.

(WHISTLES)

(BEEPING)

MAYOR: Mike, Janelle works for me now.

Hope we're still on for lunch.

Call Janelle to confirm.

(BEEPING)

Great. is every woman in my life

gonna reject me today?

Mike, you haven't been rejected.

You haven't even told Laurie

how you feel about her.

It's like our time together is choreographed, you know.

I mean, there's never an awkward moment in the conversation.

We both laugh at the exact same things.

We never miss when we go to hold hands.

You got it made.

No, she spelled it out for me.

She doesn't want commitment.

But did you ever think that maybe she's just saying that

because she thinks that's what you wanna hear?

is that what you do?

I don't have the discipline.

You wouldn't be getting those vibes

if she wasn't putting them out.

Come on. You know what you have to do.

Mike, why is it I had to rush over here to see you?

Okay.

Okay, uh...

Okay.

All right.

We've established that you're okay.

Laurie, uh...

I love you.

You heard me, right?

I gotta go pee.