Original subtitles

What's the matter, honey?

Can't you sleep?

Will you put that freaking light out and come to bed,

you son of a bitch?

In a minute, honey.

This is the most interesting theoretical premise.

There may be an infinite number of worlds, or some a split second apart from this,

some a billion light-years away, and millions in between,

and all of them constructed and peopled exactly like this world,

but different,

like a second before or after in time,

100 years,

1,000 years,

1 million light-years time differential.

People, Marge.

People exactly like this one, and that means that you

and I exist infinitely in an infinite number of ways.

What'd you think of it, Marge?

I think you're nutty as a fruitcake.

So help me,

tomorrow morning, I'll take those stupid books and throw

every one of them in the incinerator.

Night after night, spaceships,

bug-eyed monsters,

galaxies,

atomic-powered jets,

crap.

Now you listen to me, Jim Granilla.

I'm sick and tired of you spending every hour,

every night, reading that science fiction garbage.

You never even talk to me anymore.

You never even look at me anymore.

Damn, we never even have sex anymore.

[MUSIC - William A. Castleman:

Oh, Jimmy.

That was so good.

You and I exist

in an infinite number of worlds,

in an infinite number of ways,

number of ways,

number of ways,

number of ways.

It was on the 10th day of November, year of our Lord 2069,

that I, James Granilla,

first started my chronicle on a most fantastic journey.

Our mission had been one of great urgency,

to intercept the flight of a terraneous space vessel

headed for our beloved homeland.

I had then been in command of His Royal Highness's clipper ship,

the Astrosonic.

Under most embarrassing conditions for a man of my rank,

I was forcibly removed from my post by a rapscallious crew of mutineers.

Set adrift, as you can see, in the infinite cosmos,

my only mode of transport being a small space canoe.

I vowed then and there to continue my mission by navigating the space canoe

as best as I could

to a position intersecting the enemy vessel's orbit.

It seemed like light-years had passed

until I saw my first glimpse of the vessel.

I maneuvered alongside and took a look inside

one of the port windows.

Captain.

Captain, come quick.

I could not completely hide my disgust.

Who are you?

Connie, who is this man?

Each is more repulsive than the first.

Permit me to introduce myself.

Colonel James Granilla,

from the fair state of Kansas.

That's nice.

Where in Kansas?

Kansas City.

Our ship collided with a planetarian rocket.

All were lost except for me,

thanks to my supersonic sneakers.

They're just like mine. Let me see them, please.

Shut up and get back into the control room.

You, get into uniform.

A female captain.

The Terranians are even harder than I thought.

You look strong enough.

I suppose we could use you for some of the heavy work.

Madam.

Captain to you.

Captain,

may I inform you that I'm a colonel,

and as such, I'm not required to do

menial tasks?

You'll do what I say on my ship.

Portia.

Portia.

Portia, wake up.

There's a handsome new man on board.

Imagine my fright at first seeing myself as a Terranian.

Handsome, isn't it?

From the look in her eye,

I feared this one to be more hostile than the others.

We have something in common.

I'm from Kansas, too.

I knew she was trying to catch me off guard.

What do you want?

Something was strange here.

She didn't seem to want to harm me.

I experienced a tingling, not unpleasant.

Doesn't take you long to start trouble. That woman is mine.

Willie, take over the controls for me.

Oh, Moon, Moon, that is so cruel.

I told you that, dear.

What happened?

That new man, he tried to make love to me.

Then Cadet came in and hit me and threw me down.

Why, I'll... You wait here.

I bet you're lying.

Stop it.

Stop it, Portia.

You, too, Astrid.

This is ridiculous.

It was an eventful beginning,

but I was beginning to learn the ways of the Terranians the hard way.

Evidently, Ms. Portia's attack on me was not meant to be an attack at all.

It was, in some way, meant to be friendly.

I wish now that I had studied more closely the textbook on Terranian love customs,

for I knew now

that in order for my disguise to be proper,

I would have to learn their intimate ways.

A disgusting thought,

but it had to be done.

I would make myself invisible,

an advantage we planetarians have over the Terranians,

and I would gather first-rate instruction by spying on them at their own game.

My first such account happened by chance a few days later.

I was walking past the door to the captain's quarters

when I heard voices approaching.

I made myself invisible till I witnessed this episode.

It's the only private place.

It won't be if Mother finds us.

I'll do the worrying about that.

Do you think Colonel Granilla could make love to you like I can?

That remark was uncalled for.

With a little practice,

I'm sure I could be even better.

Oh, no, Cadet.

You're the only man that can make me feel really wonderful.

Your body is so smooth and so soft.

Oh, you're so wonderfully hard.

The male Terranian was going down her body,

kissing and licking.

I was beginning to get the hang of this lovemaking.

You're more of a fool than I thought, Cadet.

If you hadn't been so horny, you would have remembered

the monitoring camera.

That was quite entertaining, I must admit.

You never gave in so enthusiastically for me, Portia.

She prefers men.

We'll see if she prefers you as a lowly private.

I'm stripping you of all rank

and assigning you to latrine duty.

What do you want?

I thought perhaps there was something I could do.

What I really thought was that, with Cadet demoted,

I may be needed for navigational advice.

Phosphorescent glow dead ahead.

Must be asteroid.

Ignite retrograde rockets.

Ignite retrograde rockets.

Drop starboard flap.

Drop starboard flap.

Starboard bank.

Starboard bank.

Take over.

I have a matter to attend to.

- Mind if I watch? - This one was obviously the dolt.

He didn't seem to know that I was even there.

I kept trying.

Where are we headed?

Planetaria.

What for?

Vegetation.

We study their vegetation

and bring back a couple of their inhabitants

as specimens.

They're a gruesome-looking lot.

Hey, what are you doing here anyhow?

You're not supposed to be here.

You better get out, or I'll call Captain Mother.

Come over here and sit next to me, Portia.

You look very pretty today.

I thought you'd be mad.

About you and Cadet?

He forced me.

Why don't we get out of our things, and then we can talk about it later?

This was a fortunate happening

to have my second learning session in Terranian love so soon after the first.

This was queer.

Two of their female types rolling around together.

Hey, what are you doing there?

Turn that off.

Oh, wait a minute.

You've had a busy day today, haven't you, Portia?

Why don't you kiss me?

It's such a shame.

One so lovely.

It's a shame.

To think you all cut and bruised.

It has to be done.

Turn over.

I didn't understand this at all.

Was this all part of it?

Willie, however, did seem to be enjoying you.

Maybe that'll teach you that men are off limits.

Yes, just don't hit me anymore.

You do understand I had to do it.

You're going to be Mother's little girl now,

aren't you?

Yes.

We've hit something.

What's happening?

We've scraped a meteor, you fool.

- Reverse rocket. - Reverse rocket.

- How's compression gauge? - Compression gauge is steady.

Good.

That means there are no leaks.

The damage is going to have to be repaired.

You mean send someone out there with a sealer?

- I should send you. - No.

You'd probably bungle that too.

No.

I've got a better idea.

I'll get that witch for this and what she did to you.

Just be careful.

She's hoping you won't come back.

The way things were going, it looked like the crew

would destroy themselves before I had a chance.

Well, let's get to it.

The ship's stabilizer must have kicked off.

Leave it.

It's been thrown off.

Oh, there.

I'm sure everything is all right now.

Astrid, come.

I need to rub down.

Strangely enough, I was almost happy that Cadet had made it back safely,

even though all these people were my enemies.

Now I had something more pressing to worry about.

She seemed to want something from me.

Isn't it wonderful?

What?

Oh, everything.

If I go into the bunk room and change into something more comfortable,

will you come and talk to me?

I have some cleaning up to do.

It'll only take a minute.

Well, this was it.

Had I learned enough from my two lessons,

would I be able to carry it off?

It was one thing to look at their ugly bodies,

but to actually have to touch one.

I knew I couldn't do it.

Absolutely not.

She was waiting.

I had to at least try.

Try?

I had to do better than that.

I had to convince them.

Come in.

That's just Terman.

I study him for my night school class on male anatomy.

I'd rather study the real thing.

You've hardly got any clothes on.

I think she'd give me a little time to adjust.

Well, here goes nothing.

Ugh.

Loss of breath seems to be one of the hazards of this game.

Where are you from?

Cherryvale.

That's in Kansas, too, you know?

I love Kansas men.

They're so long and muscular.

I thought you were shy.

Supper bell. It's time to eat.

Eat?

- No. - No. No.

Girls, come to supper. It's time to eat.

This steak is too well done. I'm not going to eat it.

Pass the potatoes, please.

The food was terrible.

I was used to juicy meats and fresh vegetables.

We planetarians had passed through the pill stage eons ago.

Remember to save room for the dessert now.

Yes, Mother.

I'm afraid this food is a little too rich for me.

I had to take the back way so no one would suspect my purpose.

Anterania.

Anterania.

Fight out for our planet.

Run those rockets through the sky, boys.

March out for our flag.

Rah. Rah. Rah.

Anterania.

I'd better check our course, Mother.

This love thing was getting out of hand.

The girls insisted on whispering lewd suggestions to me.

I didn't know quite what to do,

but if my plan worked, it would soon all be over.

Captain, quick. Cadet, someone, hurry.

Giant asteroid, port side.

We're headed right for it. - Reverse rockets.

It's too late. Something's happened to the fuel.

We'll have to land.

I'm afraid you're right. Cut acceleration.

Cut acceleration.

Activate landing rockets and lower stilts.

Landing rockets activated.

Stilts lowering.

I think we're landing.

I think we're landing.

Landing?

How is that possible?

I had anticipated a collision with the asteroid

and total destruction of the vessel.

I had prepared myself for the sacrifice of my country.

It's so dark.

I think we'd better wait until morning.

Willie will send word when he's checked conditions.

We may be here for some time unless our SOS is received.

It's hot and dry, just like Terrania.

You don't need space suit or oxygen.

The colonel must have gone out already.

You stay here and stand by the radio.

With my invisible powers, I got away from them.

I needed time to think and plan.

Would I never see my family again?

How lovely they were to look at.

[MUSIC - William A.

Have you missed me, my love?

I thought you didn't want me anymore.

How nice.

Let me put this on your skin so the sun won't spoil it.

We better see what's going on here.

Hey, where are you going?

He's taking her first.

While you're waiting, I'm awfully nice too.

This was ridiculous, but I was caught,

and I'd have to make the best of the situation.

Oh, my goodness.

What's going on here?

- I'm waiting for my turn. - Well, you've just lost your turn.

I'll prove to you that man's no better than the others.

Why don't you sit down?

She was different from the others, the way she lusted after the girls.

I wondered if the men ever made love to each other,

like Cadet and Willie.

Are you laughing at me?

No, no.

Of course not.

I was just thinking how lucky I am

to be here with the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

I was getting so good, I was scaring myself.

I didn't want it to be this way,

not for you and I.

What do you mean?

I wanted it to be beautiful,

romantic,

not here in the dirt,

all these people gaping at us.

This isn't good enough for you and I, mother.

Call me Moo Moo.

Moo Moo?

Why don't you go back to the ship?

I'll finish up here and meet you in your room.

That was easier than I thought.

Me next?

Ugh.

[MUSIC - William A.

Nobody loves me.

What's the matter with me?

I got the same thing he's got.

Some have it, some don't.

I'll bet you had it.

Cadet, where are you?

You disintegrated him.

I didn't mean to do that.

We'd better go back to the ship and tell the captain.

He had it coming.

That fool.

He's staying on that asteroid.

First Cadet, now Willie.

Don't worry, my dear, I can do it.

Me too?

I'll be in my cabin, where we can...

like you promised.

I'll be there in a minute.

As luck would have it, Captain Mother remembered

the ship had another reserve fuel supply.

This left me no choice but to employ my final plan against them.

It wasn't that I didn't like them.

In fact, some of their ways were becoming quite tolerable,

but the thought of being the only male with these four women

terrified me.

I would be physically dead in the space of a week.

Why, this one alone would demand enough for 10 men or women,

and I wasn't up to it.

A harm less-looking device, these micro-atomic bombs,

but deadly destructive when activated.

It was good to look at my lovely family.

It may be the last time.

Well, I had to put these pleasant thoughts

out of my mind

and get on with the messy business at hand.

I would have only 10 seconds.

I closed my chronicle on the seventh day of March,

year of our Lord, 2069,

and I'm headed for my homeland.

Victorious in my mission.

Signed, James R. Granilla,

Colonel in the Royal Navy.