Original subtitles

Taking it off, taking it off, taking it off.

Taking it off, taking it off, taking it off.

Take the alleys, Alan.

I don't want to get mobbed like last night by my fans.

Oh, being the most famous stripper in America is such a bother.

Oh, well.

It's a burden I must bear.

Music, Alan.

Ah, Alan, I need you.

It's Fuzzy Freddy.

What would you like to talk about, boys and girls?

Well, fuck you, Fuzzy Freddy.

I got an important little ball to make. It's about Fallout.

Damn. I just can't do it. What am I doing wrong?

Try pulling your shoulders back.

A little more like this, man. Look!

Look! Finally!

Hardly worth the effort.

Watch it, bitch, or I'll knock your ass dead.

Of course, it's probably getting their turn off already.

Deck shits.

Turning tricks on park benches is my bet.

Why do you think they call a trick scene?

Watch your mouth, McCall. Just because you put your mouth in deep freeze ain't

no reason to put the rest of us down.

So she's saving it for a millionaire.

In that case, she won't need it. I mean, just rip it out.

Back off, bitch.

Stop it, girl.

Sorry to interrupt, darling, but I was straight and saw her Stevens coming

upstairs.

I better go see what he wants. Take over, Elliot.

Delighted, darling.

All right, girls, put those fried eggs back in your baskets and we're going to

work out.

Aye, Becky.

All right, wake up, Murray, and hit the music box.

Hi, Steven.

How you doing?

Mm-hmm.

Can I get you something?

A drink, I mean.

No, thanks.

I brought my own.

I came to discuss business.

Oh, well, we're moving along just fine.

Moving along?

But in what direction?

I mean, when you came to me eight months ago and you asked to use my building for

your school for strippers, I thought it was a sound business idea.

Now you're in, and I find out that you don't charge your girls.

But I do charge. I get 20% of everything they make when they get a job.

But you can't ask for more than that. It's got great potential.

Why, you even said so yourself.

I lied.

And that's before I found out what your lovelies are up to.

I mean, that Trixie, she does two nights in El Monte.

And Miss Minnie Tits jumps out of a cake every six weeks. And that frigid one,

McCall, she's just taking the course so she can bag herself a rich husband.

Honey, that's not the way to do business.

When you work, you get paid. That's the way it goes.

Your 20% of their pay wouldn't pay for the light bulb in the toilet, which, by

the way, is where you're going to end up.

Now, as of today, you owe me $4,000. Oh,

yeah, by the way, we owe Murray. Murray, that bald-headed bastard, he can't even

play the piano. All he's interested in is drinking coffee.

Okay.

If I don't see some serious money soon, you're all going to be out on your

asses. Stephen, please.

Rock-a-bye, baby.

Roll, baby, roll, baby, roll.

A little business setback shouldn't affect our relationship.

Rock-a-bye, baby. Roll, baby, roll, baby, roll.

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Move in with me.

We've been all...

I haven't been all over that

Could you?

Easy.

All you have to do to remember, little lady, is what goddamn you act, Adam.

I'm not Adam. I'm Adam.

That's definitely Adam. Adam's got bigger buns.

That's Adam, all right. Old magic fingers himself.

Back off, magic fingers.

I ain't no goddamn deck of cards.

Well, excuse me. I forgot.

I'm not rich enough for you, am I? You got that right.

Well, I can't really tell.

Are you sure you're Haddam?

Ah, yes.

You're definitely Haddam.

So where's Adam?

God damn it!

There he is. He was putting the sign back up. The damn thing fell down again.

Had to find a drunk for some of the letters.

Sorry, Mr.

Steerwall. Sorry, my ass.

You just stay away from me, you little punk.

I've seen the way you act around these girls.

I think you're as queer as that flint who just went into the shower.

My brother likes girls, all right. He's just scared of them, aren't you, Adam?

I respect them, Adam.

Piss off this shit.

I'm sorry I ever got involved with any of you loonies.

You all belong in a zoo.

But I'll tell you one thing.

If you don't come up with some serious cash soon, within 30 days, your asses

are gonna be out here.

30 days, Becky.

Remember.

Don't let any letters fall on your head, Mr. Sterwald.

And watch out for the drunk.

I'm sorry, Becky. Everything will be okay.

Oh, hello, Adam.

I'm not Adam. I'm Ham.

Whatever.

Individually, you're gorgeous.

Collectively, you're heaven to an old queen's fantasies.

What's wrong with everyone around here?

Stephen's shutting the school down.

What? He's given us 30 days to show a profit or else we're out on the street.

Oh, honey, I've been on the street so often I take tokens and give transfers.

Elliot, this is no time for jokes.

Not to worry. All we have to do is make him some money, right?

How are we going to make money? We've got to get these girls good-paying jobs.

We just put these ladies to work and get you some more.

What I need is a solution.

Ask yourself, what would Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland do in their movies when

faced with a situation such as this?

Kick the shit out of Steven?

Mickey and Judy, honey, not Charlie Bronson. I know.

We watched one of their movies just last night.

Remember? He was busy in the bedroom, but I watched them. And what did they

say when the going got tough at him?

Let's put on a show?

Did you hear that, darling?

What we do is put on a show with what we have right here. Remember, I still have

connections. I'll get us a club.

I'm only talking one night, a showcase for you and all your lovelies, for all

the top stripper agents and club owners.

We'll come away from that club with enough fucking commitments to hoist

Stephen on his own petard.

Or my petard.

Elliot, can you really do that?

Certainly.

Remember. Until I got caught with the senator's nephew, I was heavily

connected with all the top choreographers in New York City.

Oh, Elliot, you crazy queen.

It just might work.

Well, I'm sure it will.

Now, go take a shower. You're starting to smell like a girl.

I got so excited, I need another shower.

You care to join me?

I fell asleep out there.

Anybody want to get a cup of coffee?

Want a towel, Murray?

No, thanks. Just a cup of coffee.

I'm going to go see if the girls need more towels.

They all got towels, Adam.

They may need more, Adam.

Hope you don't rub them the wrong way.

I'll go get the trash out of them and show them.

Oh, leave Elliot alone.

That's a man.

That's not a man. That's a Haddam. A dirty Haddam.

Dirty Maddie.

Rubbing girl.

I'm not dirty.

I'm just filthy.

You get his head. I'll watch the other end.

Join us for a call?

I'll leave him his icebox alone. Dreams of millionaires.

Ahhhh.

Oh!

The door was open.

Somebody's bound to be right back.

Besides, can't we just wait a few more minutes?

Honey, a good girl like you shouldn't be here even for a few seconds.

Now, baby, when I sold the hog farm back home so as I could buy you them

professional dancing and acting lessons, it wasn't so you'd end up in some

hoochie-coochie house. What? It's called erotic dancing. I don't give a damn what

you call it. I'm a gannet, and even if I wasn't, you don't know nothing about it.

Now, come on, let's go.

They'll teach me for free.

And then they'll get me some work.

Honey, I told you and told you there ain't nothing in this world for free.

Besides, I don't want you working taking off your clothes. Now, what would your

mama say?

Mama's dead, Pop.

And so is our bank account.

You're not going to get your job back. There are really many of you down at the

carbon paper factory.

I asked you not to bring that up. You know how much it upsets me. Them narrow

-minded bastards fire me just because I'm running a little book during coffee

breaks and lunch hours.

to upset you.

I'm just glad those policemen let you come home.

But you've got to admit we need the money.

Well, yeah, I do admit that.

This is my pop.

You working, Miss Dumb Boy?

My brother.

He's had him. I don't think he's got a full six-pack in his garden, daughter.

Let's get out of here. Adam, when Becky comes in, will you tell her I've gone

to... Hello.

I'm Elliot Penelope, and you are?

Allison.

Allison, you're lovely, my dear. Say, you've come to join our group and make

an old queen happy?

Miss Becky will take me, Mr. Penelope.

Becky!

You're lovely. Just wait until she sees you. Becky, Becky, come out. Come out

wherever you are.

Oh, that's it. We're getting out of here. The place is full of loonies and

perverts and tits.

I'm sorry, daughter. I meant to say knocker. I mean boobs. Fuck.

Becky, this is Allison, your new protege. And unless I miss my guess,

you're a passport out of this dump.

Allison, this is Becky.

Hi, Miss Becky. Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Oh, that's Adam. I know.

He's not had him.

What? Well, Adam hasn't. Hasn't what?

Had him's had him.

Well, I'm happy to meet you, Allison.

I'm happy to meet you, too.

Thank you.

This is my pop.

Hi. Hi, Pop. I'm glad to make your tits. I mean, your tits nice to meet you.

Fuck.

Well, Allison, I heard that you want to join our group.

Oh, I sure would. I really love that.

Well, let's see if you can move as good as you look.

Anybody got a dollar?

There's a special on Bulgarian coffee up the street.

Why don't you just shoot that shit in your veins, Murray? It'd be faster.

Anybody got a syringe?

Didn't I place a bet with you a couple of months ago during a coffee breakdown

at the carbon paper factory?

Is there a lady over there with nothing on her knockers?

Actually, I won a 10 spot on a $2 show bet.

But you sure had lousy coffee.

Murray, Murray, the music box. We've a new talent audition.

Ah, them your dream sheets, honey?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, I got that right here.

Well, everybody, come on. Let's go watch Alice and Strider's stuff.

Place is fucking immoral.

I'm Adam.

This is Allison, Adam.

Well, a new lady.

All right.

If you see anything at all around here you like, you just let Adam know. Okay,

sweetheart?

But I like Adam.

Well, all right, Adam.

everybody oh becky becky with you and the other girl and allison we can whip

up a terrific review i haven't been so thrilled since i was pants muscle beach

guess who i've just been on the phone to give up well none other than

bob corley owner of the shade barbary bottle and more importantly

Booker of all the top class strip acts in the U.S. of A. and Europe.

Carly! Yes, exactly, sweet. And we have an audition at his house tomorrow

afternoon. We just may be able to tell old straight Steven to go fuck himself.

Tomorrow? Well, that's not enough time.

Allison needs some more strip rehearsal time.

Oh, frog feathers, the way this child moves, it's a piece of cake. Trust me,

sweets. Mr. Penelope.

I've never stripped before.

I'll save you for last.

All you have to do is watch these other girls do what they do, and you'll be

fine. Oh, Adam, go bring my station wagon around front and

make sure the tile is fluffed up.

Oh, there's an old costume queen down in Venice who owes me one if she hasn't

forgotten, and that one's going to be to costume all you girls for an appearance

at the Chez...

barbary bob sweet let's go i've got to talk to you right now honey this

place is a goddamn funny farm how do you stand it i just drink a lot of

coffee the caffeine flushes everything out of my head come on there's a special

down on the corner all the coffee you can drink so long as the paper cup holds

up you'll feel better tomorrow come on

Tomorrow, huh?

You been in there in the shitter? Now they got a gold toilet in there. The

only thing I know is they don't have a coffee pot in there.

All right, listen, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Elliot, it's been too long, pal.

Yes, it has. Look, your mate's uniform.

Listen,

I'm sorry to have to drag you out here this time of the night, but it's been

one of those days, you know what I mean?

Think nothing of it, Bobby. You remember Becky? And these are her girls.

Hi. I'm McCall.

I'm McCall. Are you a millionaire?

You're gonna have to check with my accountant on that one, honey.

Why, is your accountant a millionaire?

Down, McCall.

Adam, where's Allison?

That's Haddam.

Adam's over there with Allison.

Allison, hurry!

Oh, I guess we should go join the others now.

Okay.

I just love men with gray hair and blue eyes.

Hand them, goddammit!

Allison, this is Bob Corley. Bob Corley, Allison.

Hi, Allison. Nice to meet you.

Hi.

He's a millionaire.

Uh, maybe it's a countertaste.

Typical. Play another tune.

More than one tune takes talent.

Why don't you go play squat tag in a cactus patch, Mitch?

Maybe it'll make your tits grow.

Children, children, please come.

It's time for the audition.

Becky, you'll start off, and then Trixie for underwear and clothes.

Didn't you used to make book over there at the carbon paper factory? I'm going

to tell you something, mister.

You look too hard to my daughter's knockers. I'm going to take out my knife

and carve you a new poop shoot.

Bobby, Bobby, we're about ready.

I feel so light and gay.

Hit it, Murray.

Hey, do you want me?

I can see your teeth across the aisle. Hey, do you want me?

I didn't even know your name.

Hey, do you want me?

I wonder if you feel the same way.

I can see your teeth across

Trixie Bobby!

You've got it You've got what I want, I want, I want, I want

I like what you've got I like it

I like what you've got, you got, you got, you got

I'll get what you've got I'll get it

I'll get what you've got, you got, you got, you got

gotcha gotcha gotcha gotcha

the meretricious Miss McCall.

Murray, get back in your hole. We're not finished.

All right, Bobby, we've saved the very best for last.

I'm so nervous, Mr.

Penelope. I told you I never strayed before.

Oh, nonsense. Just do what the others did. You look so pretty.

Murray, magic time.

Allison, honey, now, now, take it off.

She ain't never gonna shed them threads.

Oh, sorry, I just can't.

I thought I could do it, but I just can't.

Oh, you just ruined everything, and you guys are so nice.

Bob,

for a minute there, I thought you had a hell of a review.

Bob, Bob, we can work with Allison. The rest of the girls are simply fine.

Elliot, it just didn't work for me, okay?

I'm sorry.

You know, if you could get that girl to work...

Maybe you had something special. I don't know. Look, I don't have time for this.

I've got to get down to the club, Elliot. You're going to have to excuse

me.

The ice has melted, Rose.

Look, I've got to leave. Would you do me a favor and show these people the way

out? It's the same way they came in, and it's about time for my soap operas.

Bob, don't do this to the girls.

Please give them another shot.

Elliot, all right, I'll tell you what.

If you can get that girl to work,

and add something really special, okay?

I'll take a look at the act one more time.

Fair enough?

Oh, I'll do it. She'll do it.

We'll do it. We'll do it. Elliot, for God's sakes, your makeup's getting all

over me. Will you stop crying?

Now, listen, I've got to go.

You've got my number, okay?

You give me a call.

Good job, Becky.

See you soon, Mr.

Millionaire.

I told you she needed more rehearsal time. Trust me, it's a piece of cake, my

ass!

Becky, want to get a cup of coffee?

No time, Murray. I've got to perform a miracle in less than 30 days.

I tell you, Becky, you got 29 days.

And from what I've seen, you ain't ever gonna make it.

Steven, you asshole!

Twenty-nine fucking days, Becky!

Do

take

it off. Don't listen to your pappy. Take it off, baby. Make an old queen happy.

Drop your panties, dear.

Oh, don't be so inept.

You got to try, dear, to show them some skin.

Don't be so shy, dear. It's really no sin.

There's nothing wrong with stripping if you do it with some class.

Please, pretty baby, show us your ass.

Strip.

I just can't. Mr. Penelope, I told you I just can't.

Allison,

please show us your mouth.

Come on, Allison.

You can do it. No, I can't.

This place is stellar.

Fucking disaster area.

Listen, honey.

You've only got 15 days.

Why don't you give it up, huh?

Another 30 days. Please, Stephen.

No way.

15 days, and that's it.

Why don't you move in with me?

Most girls would bust their asses for an opportunity like that.

Straight Stephen's Junkyard of Busted Asses.

How charming.

Oh, here comes the resident douchebag.

Fuck off, you nelly.

Never anyone as skinny as you, sweet Steven.

Now, why don't you slink off? This lady and I have business to discuss.

I own this place, banana sucker.

I'll stay here as long as I want.

Ooh, you get almost cute when you get angry.

Why don't you fuck off, fairy breath?

Very rare.

Ooh, like Wanda, the good witch of the West.

Shall I wave my magic wand at you, make you disappear?

Okay, okay, all right, all right, I'm leaving. But remember, Becky, 15 fucking

days.

It's too bad he's so sleazy.

Well, sweet.

How's Allison's progress?

I'm afraid there's no progress at all, Elliot.

It's some sort of something. I don't know. It's in her brain.

Brains in a female have always been a problem.

Of course, I've never known a woman who couldn't strip when she wanted to.

But in my opinion...

All women should be hypnotized so they won't take their clothes off.

Hypnotized? Well, that's it.

Why didn't I think of that sooner?

You know, Betty Big Ones used to have the same problem.

Betty Big Ones had difficulty taking her clothes off?

Yeah. I don't believe it.

She did.

You know, she couldn't even show her tits to her doctor.

And hypnotism cured her?

Well, how? Tell Mother.

Well, I don't know.

Just like an old lover of mine. Lead me to the brink and then... then...

nothing.

Elliot, what are we gonna do?

Don't worry, sweets. I'll just give her a call.

Is there anyone's number that you don't have?

Well, there was this cute sailor once in Atlantic City.

All right, Alan.

Music,

Alan.

It's all right, Alan.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Betty, sweet!

This is Elliot Penelope.

Elliot! So good to hear from you.

Are you keeping it up?

My keeping it up isn't the problem, Betty. I've got a girl who can't get it

off. I never had that problem.

Oh, Becky said you did.

Getting your clothes off, that is.

Said something about hypnotism.

Oh, you mean my case of cold tit?

That was a tough time in my life. I tried everything.

Welcome to the Dubois Diet Institute, where the elite meet to watch what they

eat. Now, we are going to take all your clothes off, and I'm going to examine

you from head to toe, and after that, I'm going to examine you again.

Why even examine me twice?

You should always have a second opinion.

Oh, that makes sense.

Oh, I can't. Oh, don't stop now, Miss Big Ones.

I don't feel right. Yet I should, I mean.

After all, you are a doctor, aren't you? Oh, I'm a graduate of some come loudly,

a quackery university of medicine, a class of 69.

I mean, if you can't trust your doctor, who can you trust?

Oh, that's what I always used to say when I was a gynecologist, a

proctologist, a tree surgeon. Oh, my God.

I can't. No.

I just can't.

Now, I'm supposed to have leafy green vegetables all day tomorrow.

Well, I got celery, spinach, lettuce.

Um, that sounds so boring.

Show me your zucchini.

You want zucchini?

Well, I got your zucchini, honey, right here.

Oh!

Oh, that's a nice zucchini.

Mmm, kind of skinny.

But it's long enough.

firm enough to do the job.

I'll bring it over tonight.

Yoo-hoo, Edna! Come here and look at this man's zucchini.

Your diet bombed! Well, I got plenty where that came from. Here, take a diet.

No way, Jose!

My girlfriends are right. You're nothing but a quack.

Oh, Betty, please give me another chance. No. Please, Betty. No.

Please, please, please, please. No. Please, please, please, please. No.

Please, please, please, please.

No. Please, please, please, please. No.

Oh,

here, here. I wasn't going to share you with any other doctor, but I hear that

this one is really sharp.

Dr. Sohan, acupuncturist. Hello, I'm Betty Bigwins.

Oh, thank you for coming in.

Are you hung?

Like an ox.

But hypnotism finally worked.

Here's what happened.

You mean you want me to see a shrink?

I guess I have a bad case of cold tits.

A little music might help. It does at the club.

I agree. You need music. But I want you to watch the moving object.

Just relax and empty your mind.

Wunderbar. You did that so quickly and loudly, my dear. Now I want you to

concentrate.

You will do as I say.

I want you to lose all your inhibitions, forget where you are.

And when you hear this music, I want you to take it off. Take it all off.

Taking it off.

Taking it off.

I really think this is gonna work.

We'll soon find out. My chauffeur's bringing Elliot and the doctor who

hypnotized me here right now.

God damn it, I said forget the doctor. Ain't no quack putting his hands on my

little girl.

God damn, would you look at that.

I learned a long time ago how to keep a man's attention.

He's not gonna interfere, Ellison.

Forget Papa, man. What about you? What do you want?

Well, right now, you're all the most important people in my life.

Besides, it's the fastest way I can think of to make some money.

Adam, I really want to dance.

Okay, then bring on that doctor.

Everyone,

may I present Dr. Lucifer Chaser.

damnest thing I ever seen him alive.

We found the doc at the old folks home down near the beach.

Yeah, well there I am performing the post-geriatrics sexual therapy for the

sexually impaired over the age of 76.

But then I hear it was you, Miss Big Ones, I come running.

Well, how is you? I see you are still possessor of the Big Ones.

Well, what's going on here?

Who's this freaky looking fucker?

I remember when you possessed a big one.

Uh-huh.

Uh, Lucifer, we got a problem.

Um, this is Allison.

Hi, nice to meet you. Likewise, I'm sure.

Now, would you mind letting the good doctor have a look?

Yeah, well, the tits are not so gross, not so big, you see. But they are still

worthy of the tit examination.

Now, my dear, if you will say ah.

They are... Hey, what are you doing, you sick son of a bitch? She ain't no

goddamn radio.

Now, you keep your hands off her, or I'll break your arm.

Well, I was just... You heard him. Keep your hands off her.

Or I'll break your face.

He's a doctor.

I mean, it's all right.

Are you sure?

I certainly am. He cured me, remember?

Okay. But watch it. Watch it, bullshit.

You don't watch it, you don't touch it, you don't do nothing.

Lucifer, my own form of hypnotism.

Now, would somebody please describe the problem before this man comes

alive? Allison freaks out when she tries to strip.

Just like me when I had my case of cold tit.

Do you think you can help her like you did me?

Okay. Now, I want everybody to be absolutely quiet, please.

Now, my dear, would you mind sitting down, please?

All right.

Now, here is what we're going to do. You're going to watch the moving object.

Yeah? You watch the moving object.

See? Back and forth, back and forth. Are you concentrating, Allison?

Yes, Doctor.

Yeah, you like the music, eh, Allison?

Music maestro.

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to take this.

Taking it off, taking it off, taking it off.

Taking it off, taking it off, taking it off.

And now, the greatest tense in the Northern Hemisphere, Miss Betty Big One!

My instincts are right.

I'll do what I like.

I just want you and I know that it's true.

My instincts are right.

I'll do what I like.

You are the one. What I say will be done.

My instincts are right.

I'll do what I like.

Do what I like.

And you'll find it's right.

My instincts are right.

That's yours.

I just want you and I know that it's true.

My instincts are right.

I'll do what I like.

Betty, Betty, Betty, you were wonderful.

Wake up, Pop, and get yourself a drink. Bobby and I have business to discuss.

Murray, Murray, the show's over. Oh, I'm so excited.

Elliot, that was a great show.

I'll tell you this, Allison, she's everything I hoped she'd be.

Betty, my God.

Just unbelievable.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to book this act into the Chez Barbariba a week from Friday.

And if the show that I see then is half as good as what I saw today, I'll be

able to book this act all around the United States for as long as you want to

work. And at your price.

Fantastic.

Nice to have you with us, Betty.

I'll see you both on Friday.

Darling. I didn't think that he would think that you were in the show with us.

But since he does, Betty, darling, would you...

Could you... Do you think you could see your way into working with

him? Calm down.

You're gonna pee in your pants. Of course I will. It'll be fun.

Besides, I was getting a little bored with my chauffeur.

Oh.

Damn that's good beer.

Every time I heard that song, I would start to strip.

I hope that doesn't happen to Allison.

Taking it up, taking it up, taking it up.

Taking it up, taking it up, taking it up.

Taking it on, taking it on.

They get it up.

They get it up.

They get it up.

taking it up

Give me your flopper stopper, lady, quick!

unhypnotizer. Don't any of you realize that this show on Friday night is the

best break that any of us, other than Betty, have had in years?

I'm afraid Elliot's right. If we blow it this time... I don't give a fat rat's

ass. My daughter can't take no more of this. But it's only four more days until

the Chez Barbary Bob.

Well, maybe we could just wait. No way.

We can't wait.

Elliot, you've got to have Ellen drive you and find Lucifer.

Elliot.

I just can't do this anymore.

OK.

OK.

I'll go fetch the good doctor.

It's just that we were so close.

Oh, Elliot, it'll be all right.

It still might work out.

Remember, when things get rough, we just have to pick ourselves up and let

ourselves Go!

Goddamnedest thing I've ever seen.

All right.

I'll be back as soon as I can get Alan.

Alan. To drive me to Wrinkle Factory. Yoo-hoo!

Alan!

In the meantime, we have to keep Allison away from that music.

And that means no radios or tape players.

It's gonna be all over soon, daughter. You just try and relax now.

Good advice, Allison.

Why don't you take a nice hot shower while we're waiting?

It always relaxed me.

Thanks, Betty.

I think I will.

I'm so sorry that I've been such a problem.

idea along some hot coffee beans from Brazil. Shove them goddamn beans up your

ass, you bald-headed tallywagger.

Anybody got a couple of bald beans?

I'm just part of my fantasy.

I'm real.

And part of your fantasy.

Oh, man.

At first I panicked when I couldn't find him at the wrinkle factory.

But then as we were driving away, Alan spotted him next door, behind the

chicken takeout place.

He was going through the garbage cans, for God's sake, looking for old chicken

bones, he said.

Well, ill winds be blowing, but the magic chicken bones are necessary.

To foretell the future, and I hope to plan the perilous journey that's going

to help get me out of this goddamn bad stuff.

All right, I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit.

Can you un-hypnotize my daughter, or can't you?

Bad, bad, oh.

Dad,

you mean you can't help her?

Ah, that's a different matter.

But of course I can help you, Liebchen.

But I must hurry. You see, in a case like this...

If you hear about the senator's luscious napkin... I ain't run no book in months.

I'm trying really hard not to strip in public anymore.

If it's about me and my chauffeur in the backseat of my limo... Hold it, hold it.

It's not any of you we're after. We're after this would-be shrink that we've

been chasing for months.

Lucifer? What did he do wrong?

We got a warrant for his arrest.

He's been forcing senior citizens into pagan orgies down at the seniors' club.

All right, that he had, I'm screwing.

The local clergy came in for prayer meeting the other day and found the

place full of wall-to-wall old naked bodies humping away.

Enough to make you barf. Well, those old bodies was having the most fun they ever

had since they become them old bodies.

And who are you to decide?

Society doesn't think that old folks and orgies go together.

One woman's still got false teeth bites all over her body.

When you're beat, Lucifer Chaser.

Ah, well, I should have known.

The chicken bones, they never lie.

Oh, Lucifer, wait.

Lucifer, wait.

Can we have a moment, please?

Sure, make it quick.

What about Allison?

Well, as I was about to say, this is a classic case of desired reversal. I

don't understand.

Take your chicken balls.

I'd like to walk into this fucking place and I'll get knocked on my ass. Come on,

Murphy. Fight the dog, you bitch.

Look out for the dog shit, Murphy.

What dog shit?

Didn't spill a drop.

Miss Becky, you got any idea what that bullshit was all about?

Lucifer said desire reversal.

Desire reversal.

Whatever that means.

Sounds like the name of a goddamn dirty movie, doesn't it?

What the hell is he going to do with this here music player?

Someone tell me what the hell's going on here.

It's too complicated for you, Steven. Desired reversal has more than one

syllable. Piss off, Elliot.

That's the best offer you've ever made me, Sugar Sleeve.

Stop it, you guys. We've still got our problem with Allison.

Desired reversal, huh?

What the hell could he have meant by that?

We'll just have to keep Allison secluded until we can find another hypnotist.

Who?

I'll go call Bob Corley and tell him the strip review has gone the way of horny

buffaloes. You actually booked Rochelle? Yeah, at the Chez Barberie, Bob.

But now... Well, that warms the cockles of an old businessman's heart. I may see

some profit out of this yet.

Oh, just shut up, Stephen.

I'll go make that phone call.

Oh, Elliot.

Don't make that call.

But, Allison... No.

If it happens... determined I'm going to strip every time I hear that song.

Well, we might as well get some good youth out of it.

So the show is on.

Oh, Alvin, you're a good person.

This is a hard reversal.

What happened about down there?

Dang, I wish I knew what desired reversal meant.

Desired reversal.

Shit.

I wonder what happens if I push this button.

Thank you.

I know what you boys were complaining about. She was pretty good.

Congratulations, darling. I always knew you could do it.

Oh, sure you did, sleazeball.

Why don't you go find yourself an 80-year-old man in heat?

Come back in about five minutes when you qualify, sweetie.

Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Pop, please don't push any more buttons.

Please.

I'm sorry, daughter.

Dang, I sure wish I knowed what desired reversal, man.

Anybody want to try some new coffee?

You don't drink it, you snort it.

The mamas and the papas think it's out of sight.

They're getting married next Saturday night.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, ho.

Smoke, water, liquor, alligator gumbo.

Kidding folks coming, everybody's gonna go to the wedding next Saturday night.

Louisiana lovers holding one another's hand.

She's his own woman and he's a man.

They're going to have a bayou, baby, as soon as they can. Getting married next

Saturday night.

Hi, hi, hi, hi-ho.

Swamp water, liquor, alligator, dumbo.

In folks come and everybody's going to go to the wedding next Saturday night.

Louisiana lovers in the pale moonlight.

Louisiana lovers holding one another tight.

The mamas and the papas thinking side to side. They're getting married next

Saturday night.

High, high, high, high, ho.

Smoke, water, liquor, alligator, gumbo.

Kin folks coming, everybody's gonna go to the wedding next Saturday night.

Louisiana lovers playing lovers games.

Bombers and the poppers think they've gone insane.

They're fanning up a spot to a great big flame.

Get them there, it comes Saturday night. Everybody sing it high, high, high,

high, ho.

Swamp water, liquor, alligator, gumbo. In folks come and everybody's gonna go

to the wedding next Saturday night. One more time, let's sing it high, high,

high, high, ho.

Swamp water, liquor, alligator, gumbo.

Kinfolk's coming, everybody's gonna go to the wedding next Saturday night.

To the wedding next Saturday night.

To the wedding next Saturday night.

You never call.

He sure is occupied, though.

Mind your own business, Haddam.

Great show, everybody.

And Miss Betty?

Unbelievable.

And you.

Fantastic.

Hello, Mr. Millionaire. How you doing? Hey, listen up, everybody.

I'd like you to meet my new wife.

Wife?

You betcha.

We tied the knot at 10 o'clock this morning. Oh, congratulations, Bob.

That's just wonderful, wonderful.

But if you'll excuse me now, I have to go pour Trixie into her costume. All

right. Come on, honey. We'll go watch the show from down front.

Good luck, everybody.

Good luck.

10 o'clock this morning, and I was sleeping alone?

Damn!

Tough break, McCall.

Haddam, I've told you, leave me alone.

But do you listen? No.

Sorry. Sorry, my cockney ass.

I'm gonna boil your big buns off right now.

All right, Haddam.

Mr. Frigerator finally thought.

Murray, he put away his phone book. It's time for Tricky's number.

Desired reversal.

I wish the hell I knew what that crazy quack was talking about.

Cool it with the name-calling, false face, and I might be telling you.

What the hell?

Boxes don't talk.

If you think that, hog farmer, you must have had one hell of a lousy sex life.

Doc? You was expecting a ventriloquist or something?

Now, shh. Be quiet.

The police is looking for me everywhere.

I just come back to help the pretty daughter with her problem. Well, it's

about goddamn time.

Now, get out of that sucker. She's right over there.

Oh, I can't do that. I must remain hiding from the fucking police.

Now, you can help her just as easy as I.

Remember, desired reversal.

I'm going to cut your nuts out. Can you say that one more time without telling

me what it means?

So the daughter is in love.

And naturally, the young man doesn't want the entire world eyeballing the

young lady's private parts with the clothes off, you see.

So he can fix that by just reversing it and telling her it's hokey-dokey with

him, and then all of the psychological barriers come tumbling down, and the

spell disappears, poof, and then she can take off her clothes anytime, all over

the place.

Oh, I must have come to box.

Pop, I think Lucifer's right.

I am in love.

And I guess subconsciously, no matter how old-fashioned it sounds, I need

Adam's approval to take my clothes off in front of other men.

Is that all there is to it?

Well, I've been doing that for years, honey, for heaven's sake. Go on, you big

hunk, tell her it's all right. Elliot, you don't shut your mouth, I'm gonna

take out my knife, I'm gonna carve you a new one.

Your decision, boy.

Tell you right now, along with whatever you say.

Whatever you say.

I do love you, Allison.

All of you.

Your body doesn't make me jealous.

It makes me proud.

To me, your body's like a wonderful painting or a classic film.

It ought to be seen by everybody.

Get out there and knock them dead, sweetheart.

Take it all off.

Sounded like it came from the box.

Elton Murphy!

You go that way, I'll go this way.

Rouse me, I must get away.

Watch the moving object.

Hit him!

Oh, Lucifer, thank you so much for coming back to help me. I want you to

lead a good life and remember the chicken bowl.

Here, swing this thing here for me for a while until I can get the hell out of

here.

My dear, can I talk you into going with me to Bavaria?

No, but can I give you a lift to the airport?

Alan, we need you.

Don't worry, he'll keep his eyes on the road and his hands on the wheel.

Wunderbar. Let's go.

Wunderbar.

Thank you chicken

Come on, Hatton. Again?

Again. And again?

Again.

Thank you.