Original subtitles

Dude, this movie is so awesome.

Dude, this movie is so not awesome. Shh.

Look me in the eye and tell me this isn't the greatest action movie ever.

This is supposed to be action.

You obviously don't understand art.

Is that a large pizza?

Mm-hmm. How did you get into the movies here?

I owe a guy.

How you doing, man?

Hey, shh, shh.

You want one, lady? Oh, my God.

I can't take you anywhere.

No? Yeah.

That movie was so amazing.

It inspired me. What? Come out of the closet?

No. It inspired me to become a director.

Okay, give me like a genre. Something.

I'll make a movie about a Roman army that fights off soldiers and monsters in

super slow motion.

Just watch that movie.

Five minutes ago, dude.

Well... Maybe mine will just be better. How, man?

You get like a cameo going. And then before you know it, you got a couple

cameos. And then you got a huge movie that everyone's looking to see. Because

they heard, oh my god, did you hear about the cameo?

Action!

What do you know?

Uh, you shout something and charge at the camera.

This movie sucks.

Awesome.

Alright, you shoot me.

Okay, go.

It's action.

Not go.

Action. You don't say action.

You just said. I'm the director.

Not you.

Action! Die!

All's we gotta do now is just sit back, wait for the hits to start rolling in.

Oh, alright, uh... Uh, dude, can I get some...

some me time?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, could you close the door, dude? Sorry.

The fly's down, man.

How many hits do we have now?

Two. Well, who else watched it?

I watched it twice.

So much for your career as a director.

Curtis.

Topher. I'm sure you're all wondering why I brought you all here today.

Okay.

I brought you all here because together, I am going to make the greatest movie

ever made.

What's the script? I don't have one. Family equipment?

I have my dad's camera.

Any actors?

We'll be the actors.

Guys, we can't miss.

No.

What's up, man?

Yeah. I heard you were going to join the circus, but you didn't make it.

True.

touch you in weird places.

I was only there for a day. The elephants did that.

That makes perfect sense.

All right, stop.

Okay, we need a script.

Any takers?

Fine, we'll find someone else who can write words or whatever.

Hello? Hi, is, uh...

KlingonKilla247 here.

Sean, it's for you.

Please don't be gay.

Hi.

Hi.

I read on your blog that you like to write.

Yeah. Cool.

What do you like to write?

Dialogue.

Cool.

See you tomorrow.

Who are you?

I'm a friend.

Alright guys, what's up?

This is Sean.

Nice to meet you. He's got a killer script for us here.

So Sean, why don't you tell him about it? Have you guys ever seen Clerks? It

was brilliant.

Because they didn't have any money, so what they did was just put the camera on

two people and have them talk.

For like five minutes at a time. But I thought we just did that. Yeah, but this

time we have scripts.

So now we won't look like a bunch of stuttering morons in front of the camera

trying to figure out what to say. All the thinking has been done for us.

Bingo.

Sound,

go. Check.

Lights?

We're outside.

Camera.

Rolling.

Action! Have you ever noticed in science fiction movies, when aliens are speaking

different languages, they always still seem to understand English?

Holborn. Cut!

This stuff's gold.

What do we gotta do to get people to watch our movies?

We need girls in our movie, dude.

That is a brilliant idea! Why didn't I think of that before?

Because you're a shitty director?

Shut up. We need girls.

Does anybody know any girls? I could probably get my mom to be in it.

So we have to figure out a way to find girls

Any

minute now

Hey gorgeous, how'd you like to be a star?

Get lost Kurt

You know, with a body like that, you can go far in my line of work. Excuse me?

It was a compliment.

Hey, I was wondering if you could... I'm talking to the female lead here, okay?

You're gonna have a romantic, passionate kissing scene.

Nana!

Hey, did you know I'm a director?

Did you know I'm 15?

Have a nice day.

Where were you?

Where was I? Where were you? I said be here at 9.

Yeah, it's 910. I'm freezing.

9 a.m. Since when do we do anything at 9 a.m.? When I say, Kurt, we should get a

head start in the day and start at 9 a.m. You said okay.

No, no, no. I said okay.

I didn't think you were serious.

So what did you do all day?

I just played some, you know, Final Fantasy.

You're a dirty person.

Smell like I got really far.

Hey, I found one.

Hey, who is she?

She's the girl I always see when I'm checking my email.

It's not a real girl, it's an advertisement.

Am I in there right now?

Dude, that person typing is a guy pretending to be a girl.

Look, I'm gonna ask her something that only a girl would know. Ask her if she

hates it when guys leave the toilet seat up. Yes.

Chicks hate that. Type it. It's brilliant.

Uh,

grandmother? You want me to type it for you? Why don't you go get bent, buddy?

Because I don't see you trying to find any chicks to be in our movie. No.

Ha! It's a dude. A girl would have said yes.

Therefore, it's a dude. Hold on. She's not done typing. I just put the seat

back down.

There. Are you convinced?

No. Do you have a penis?

Yes, I have a penis. Douche.

Ask the dude if he's got a penis. You know what I mean.

You're a penis.

So,

tell me about your movie.

Well, it stars you.

Oh?

And me. I like it. And we meet and become good friends. Good plot.

Then I take you back to my place.

Nice. Actually, it's not my place. It's my parents' place, but they're not home.

Real nice.

And then we, uh... Yes?

Well, we... Say it. We, uh... Say it. We, uh... David.

Say it. We, uh... David. Sex!

What?

What? You said, come over, we're gonna do something special.

Oh, yeah, yeah, um, you're gonna love it. Let's go.

I present to you, Fred's Beaver Dam.

It's disgusting.

It's insane.

Yeah, I can't look away.

Yep. Welcome to my second home, gentlemen.

Dude, what the hell kind of place is this?

Hi, guys. Want a drink?

Uh, there aren't humans here, right?

Maybe my girlfriend, Miss Porky, could be in your movie.

Porky! Oh, Porky!

Yes, Fred?

What can I do for my little toad? These guys are filming a movie, and they need

a girl to star in it. Well, look no further, cuz.

is here.

Ms. Porky's great. Not only can she act. To be or not to be.

She can sing.

She can dance.

And she does all her own stunts.

What?

Oh, sorry. I get a little carried away.

Ah,

no offense.

Um, you're great, but we just don't think, as a group, you're what we're

looking for.

Oh, really?

I think I know what you're looking for.

And I think you just found it.

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

Every time.

What's up with this weather? It's Michigan, all right? Deal with it.

All right, guys. I know it's a costume shop, but we're here for business and

business only, okay?

No screwing around. No goofing with the costumes.

We're in, we're out. When we get back and we start filming, okay?

Okay. All right. Whatever.

biblical beard? How about Jesus?

Who are they going to pay to say Jesus is what I want to know. I am the

platform dancing pirate.

Oh, no.

I'm really tired of that.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ah.

Do you think I'll be able to squeeze into a nine?

Yeah.

How much money do you guys have?

In the duck head, really?

Really? Yeah, yeah, there's a Mother Goose thing we're working on. Oh, okay.

I'm not going to ask.

Okay, okay, we get it. It's funny.

So it's $487.48.

Instead of us paying you in money, like currency, how about

I just offer you a prime role in the movie?

I'm going to need $487.48.

All right, guys, put this stuff down. Let's go. We're out of here.

Never mind. Kurt, take the mask off. Grab those.

Kurt, take the mask off now. I'm going to need that mask back.

Let's go. Come on.

Hey,

get back here.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, David. Yeah?

Put your shirt on.

Am I awake?

Yes. Am I on the internet?

No. Somebody pinched me.

I said pinch me, not punch me.

Oh, sorry.

Hi. I'm Melissa. We met online.

Yeah, right. Um...

Kurt, this is Melissa. She'll be our actress.

Hi. Did you know that I only live two houses down?

No shit.

Really. It's weird. I never even noticed you.

That's funny. I've never noticed you before either.

I get that a lot.

Anyways, I have some good news and some bad news.

You're a dude.

I told you. 20 bucks. I told you. No.

No. I work a lot, so I'm not going to be able to be in all the scenes.

But I brought a friend and she'll be able to help you guys out.

This is Jen.

Okay. Ow.

Okay.

Okay.

If we're in a battle, I have to get you out. I want to get you out.

Okay.

What would my guy review?

I need you if you have a forklift bring it

That's not fun you guys feet we're going to the bathroom

Why don't we

bring him in here in the first place I gotta splash water on his face Wake him

up. Couldn't you just brought a cup of water out there and splashed it on what?

I can't just... Wake up!

Wake up!

Wake up!

Why am I in the bathroom? Dude, you passed out in front of the girls. It was

really embarrassing.

Are they still here?

No, dude. They left like three hours ago. That was her.

She was the one in my dream.

Which one?

Jen. She baked me a cake. It was the most amazing cake I'd ever seen and

tasted. Dude.

One more cake.

Okay? Because if I have to drag you out of the battle...

I have to be able to drag her out of the battle.

It's just science.

I think I'm going to ask her to marry me. What?

You can't do that. Oh no, that's bullshit.

You're like the director.

It's unprofessional. No, I dreamt about her. You don't understand. It was meant

to be. I'm going to ask her out. She's going to get all creeped out.

And then she's going to leave.

There's going to be no girls to shoot the movie. Alright, fine.

We're going to play this your way. But as soon as the movie's done, I'm totally

asking her out.

Fine. What happened to you? Why are you so sweaty?

You're in the bathroom, and you started in the living room, okay?

I had to make that happen. Why?

I had to get water on your face.

I don't understand why you didn't just bring a cup of water out to the living

room and splash water on my face. Shut up!

Somebody in there?

Hello?

So what'd you guys think?

It was awful.

It was creepy.

Did she even know you were filming that? I'm gonna tell her. What happened to

Sean writing the script, Sean?

I had to look for a 1946 quarter from my coin collection.

What? So I winged it. Oh my god, I hate you both.

I happen to think this is a masterpiece.

Of course you would. Which reminds me, I have an idea. We need a black man.

Every great movie has a cool black guy in it. Rush Hour had... Chris Tucker.

Star Wars.

Lando Calrissian.

Ghostbusters. Winston.

Indiana Jones.

Shia LaBeouf?

He did have a small Asian boy. Does that count?

Short Round?

Do we have a pin in the gutter?

Stupid censor.

Sorry, it was an accident.

Hey,

there's one! There's one!

Alright guys, here's what we're gonna do, okay?

Why don't you put your hats on backwards.

Sean, just don't say anything.

And then you're gonna sag your pants.

You're gonna get them low like this.

That's crazy.

now you gotta dress like you're wearing your dance clothes they're too big for

you but you can't afford a belt and then you gotta walk with a limp okay like you

just gotta shine a leg and use your street cred street cred yeah you ready

all right let's do this

Yo, yo, yo, yo, let me holler at you for a sec.

So check this, boy. Me and my light-skinned brothers here, we looking

to shoot this flicks, right? And we need some dark-skinned bros up in this to

make this happen. Some of them Zell-looking mugs, you down?

What?

What are you talking about, man? You trying to relate?

Yeah, it's just his idea.

Um, he's kind of an idiot.

Uh... We're doing a movie and we could use another actor. You're looking for an

actor? I'm an actor, man. No way.

Absolutely, man. I'll definitely do it, man.

He ain't gonna understand you, man. Let me translate. So check this, right? Me

and my peeps, we're looking to film this flicks, right? We're gonna get our

cinematography out, yo. Oh,

you like my gear, dawg? Shoot!

Yeah, I know. Hey, stop. You already said yeah. Just stop it. Hey, look, let

me get you my contact information, man.

He got an Uzi!

Okay. I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say. It's all good, man. Here's my card, man. Cool. Yeah.

Give me a call.

All right, guys, so in this scene, Kurt, you just escaped from jail, and you're

asking Julian, the pimp, how much for his skanks.

Skank?

I'm sorry, how much for his hoes? Hey, how come I gotta play the pimp? Would

you rather play the guy who just escaped from prison?

Enough said.

So if you guys just read the lines, I think it all makes sense.

What's crackin', yo?

Just pimping these hoes, brother.

Just pimping these hoes.

Word. Yeah, word. Who wrote this, man?

Sorry, I've never written a black comedy before.

Alright, guys, we gotta brainstorm some ideas.

I've always liked it when they put a scene at the end of the credits.

Yeah, but how about we think of some scenes before the credits? How about we

think of some ideas? Guys, come on!

An archaeologist that looks for, like, famous historic artifacts.

It's been done, dude.

Okay, a guy that dresses up in a costume and fights crime at night.

Great idea, Sean!

Why don't we call him Batman, okay, huh? You're not gonna be productive walking

traffic! I was just trying to help. It doesn't help when you don't help! Okay!

Can we stop arguing?

I'm sorry for raising my voice.

It was justified.

Yes, it was.

Three chicks, raw panties, and guns.

How about we do one with three guys, bra and panties, and guns?

What are you doing over there, Sean?

I'm off to storyboard for an idea for a film.

Storyboard? See?

Organization. I like it. What you got?

All right, building off what she said, it's two guys, mountains, they're sheep

herders, and they fall in love. All right. It's got potential.

Well, who do they fall in love with? The sheep?

Each other.

Sean, that's Brokeback Mountain.

If you can't bring anything productive to the table, I will silence you myself.

On the other hand, that with girls. Kurt, take it. Two girls, one tent,

no fire, no inhibitions.

David, banana me.

Okay, it's kind of cold out there. And what do you got to do to keep warm?

You need body heat. You got no fire.

And what gets in the way of body heat? Clothing.

So I'm thinking something like ass to vagina?

No. Okay, like ass to ass?

No.

Ear to vagina? No.

Nothing to a vagina.

i'm trying why don't we get some ideas by watching tv yeah that's a good idea

how about i find a new cast to replace all of you i'm gonna go take my anger

out on a small child thanks for last night i believe this belongs to you and

our first contestant is the kid in the first row come on down welcome to the

price is right

All right, contestants, you must bid closest to the actual retail value

without going over what you bid on this item. Contestant number one.

I'd like to bet $500.

$501.

$502.

$503. Oh, you've all gone over. We need to re-bid. Clear the board, please.

Contestant number one, bid again.

$1.

$2.

$3.

$4.

You're morons.

The actual retail price is... $427!

Contestant number four, with your bid of $4, you win!

Nimrod!

Now you know that boy has two brothers, and they gonna be goodin' for you now.

I know that.

I'd like to ask for a tea.

I'm sorry, there are no teas. Next contestant, spin the wheel.

I just want to ask one thing. Do these jeans make me look fat?

It ain't the jeans, honey.

Bitch! Slut? How?

Oh, no, she didn't.

You silly little bitch.

Big surprise. This isn't helping.

Why don't we just make a movie that's a parody of other movies?

What the hell are you talking about?

Come on, we'll make fun of movies like Batman, Spider-Man.

Movies that people have already seen, so they'll want to come watch it to see how

we spoof them.

I hate that idea almost as much as I hate you.

Well, I like it. Me too. It's a good one.

Oh, good.

Thank you, Alfred.

Coming through.

Alfred!

You're a monster.

Do you want to know how I got these scars?

Not really.

I was eating sandwiches not completely unlike these when I forgot to take the

toothpicks out.

You seem to be losing some of your color.

You know, I can help you with that.

I'm a bit of an expert in makeup.

My father told me all about makeup.

He used to say... Son, real men wear makeup.

Then he'd pull some lipstick out of his purse like this.

Then he'd grab me by the head like this. Then he'd pull the lipstick up to my

mouth like this. And he'd say, let's put some lipstick on that face.

That's a good color on you. You know what else would make a good color?

What the?

How about black and blue?

Shut up!

What up, Rachel?

Sorry I'm late, man. This suit was a bitch to get on.

Don't worry about it, lover.

I think we need better special effects.

Yes.

You know, I know a guy.

Yeah? Why didn't you tell me?

I kind of vowed never to speak to him again.

Why would you never speak to anybody again?

Because he, like, blows stuff up for movies. He does big explosions, you see,

in movies.

And he...

He blew up my cat, man.

Snickers? Yeah.

Uh, I think it's that one. You think?

Well, in case you're wrong, maybe we should go in there holding AK-47s and

wearing bulletproof vests.

Do we have those things?

I'm sure we can get them.

Are you sure this is the house of the graphic and special effects?

Hey, Kurt, man. Jason.

How's it going?

I haven't seen you in a while. Yeah.

We're making a movie, and we need a special effects guy.

And, um... And we need you.

They always come back.

You know, why don't you come on in, talk about, see what we can do for you.

This is the new system I got. You know, I downloaded some new software for the

CGI. It's got great special effects. Heaven forbid, you...

It's an investment.

And it also downloads porn really fast.

When did you get a third slipper?

Anyway, you should check out this website, man. It's really great.

Ah, you know what? I think we're good. It's got this chicken and a squirrel.

No, thank you.

I gotta use the bathroom now. Oh, well, plumbing doesn't work. We use the bushes

outside. Do you have anything like toilet paper or something?

No, we use the wiping.

I'll hold it.

Okay, so you're going to be doing the special effects, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, I'm down. Let's get a movie done. Yeah, sounds good. What kind of

movie are we doing?

I'm thinking Outer Space.

Captain's log, stardate 101.3.

We are passing through the Legato SAR system.

It has taken six months, and we are bored.

So we have orchestrated a drinking contest.

Scotty, I need you to drink.

One more.

I just can't do it, Cotton.

My liver, she can't take anymore.

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry about that.

Man, I can't see shit with this visor on, man. How you doing?

Okay. Oh, you got one on, too? Nope.

You a handsome guy, though, man.

Thanks. Wow.

Strong, too, man.

Oh, you got a drink.

Let's see what you got here.

Oh, is that some gin?

I feel you, man.

Okay.

Thanks.

Is this seat taken? No, Commander, please.

Thank you, Deanna.

I actually wanted to talk to you about something.

Well, I know what you're going to say.

I'm a psychic, remember?

I remember. Have you finally honed and tuned your psychic abilities?

They're not perfected yet, but I'm getting better.

Oh, okay. Well, what did I want to talk to you about?

You were going to say that you liked my purse.

No, I really wasn't going to. I really don't care what kind of purse you carry.

Hello, Deanna. I don't mean to bother you, but I so love your purse. Oh, thank

you.

I'm sorry, Will. Sometimes I misread thought patterns. It's as if they get

crossed in my mind.

So, see if you can focus in on my thought patterns. What was I gonna talk

to you about?

Why are you looking at gay porn?

I'm not looking at gay porn!

Uh, I'm sorry to bother you again, but, uh, do you have any lotion?

Uh, yeah, I think I have some in here.

That's really good. That's hilarious.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Dude, check this out. It's magic.

Sean, you can edit.

I don't think he can hear you. He's got headphones on.

What? You can edit?

Yeah, I started a class down at the community college.

Sweet. So what are you editing right now? What are you working on?

Dude, headphones.

What? What are you working on right now?

I'm re-editing the stuff we shot the other day. It's, like, a lot better than

what you did. Sean, show me what you're doing.

Whoa!

Sean! What?

Can you show me what you're working on now so I can learn, please?

I'm just using more close-ups. Oh, okay.

Oh, you look so good.

Thank you.

Yeah, especially, like, your eyes.

Thanks! I get it a lot.

Thanks for coming out today.

I know I wish I had a bigger part for you, but, you know, it's always nice to

have a girl on camera anyway.

Well, a nice pair of eyes goes a long way on film, right?

Well, I mean, despite what they say, there's no man that really cares about

girls' eyes.

Well, what about your friend Kurt? Do you think he meant it?

Yeah, right.

Look, there's no man in the history of the world that's ever walked into a

locker room and said, dude, did you see the pair of eyes on that girl?

They just don't. Then why do guys always tell me they like my eyes?

Because they want to say something nice, like nice legs, nice ass, nice rack.

But, you know, they'll get slapped, so instead, they go for the eyes. It's the

only body part that's safe.

Plus, it's the only body part that they know they can lie about and the girls

will believe them.

Thanks for dropping me off.

Oh, shit.

Harry got kicked out of hogwash.

He won't be in school this semester.

I don't think so.

Does anyone have a toothbrush?

No. Hey, guys!

Harriet! I thought you weren't supposed to be here.

I came anyways.

What up, though?

My name is Tyrone. Oh, hi. Harry Potter.

Oh, whatever.

Harry.

Yeah. Ron Weasley. Ron, hit it.

Wait. Michelle.

All right. Never long, kid.

I can see that.

Hermione. Damn, girl. What's up?

You go to school here? Oh, yeah, I do now. You're a wizard.

What, you've never heard of affirmative action?

Have you ever done magic before?

You bet your sweet ass I have. Watch this.

Double Shadow Patrono.

Pow. Wow.

Oh, my.

What's wrong?

It's my wand.

There's something wrong with me wand, too.

Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure it's nothing.

Did someone tell you it's nothing?

He's a little insecure about his wand.

Oh. Hey!

What is it they always told us at school?

It doesn't matter how big your wand is, it's how you wave it. That's a goddamn

lie. I'm not cool.

Well, show me your wand and I'll tell you if it's big enough.

I can't show you my wand.

Not now, at least.

I'll show you my wand.

Boy, Harry.

What just happened?

So what do we do now?

Do you remember the end scene of Superman 2?

Which one, the original or the diner cut?

The original.

Okay, go on.

It's the one where Superman kisses Lois in order to make her forget that he's

Superman.

I want to play Superman. No.

No, I'm playing Superman because it's my movie and I'm playing Superman.

I solved all your problems. Superman 3.

I play Richard Pryor.

Richard Pryor isn't black.

Is everything alright?

Yes, everything's fine. You don't have to worry about me.

But I like worrying about you. Would you stop?

Can't you see that this is killing me?

To come in here every morning and not be able to talk to you? You can talk to me.

Not be able to show that I have feelings for you?

That can wait till we get home, right?

Not be able to tell everyone your secret identity?

That's not that hard. Just don't tell.

It's not as easy as it sounds.

I'm Lois Lane. I'm a blabbermouth.

Well, you've got me there.

Just tell me you love me.

Well, gee, Lois, are you okay? What happened?

Lois, are you alright?

Breathe, Lois, breathe.

I can't remember anything that's happened in the past two weeks.

I don't know what happened. She just fainted.

She fainted after you laid that lip lock on her? You saw that.

Of course I saw that.

It's just glass.

I thought that was my x-ray vision. Well, when she comes to, I'm going to

tell everyone what I just saw.

I need to use that pencil really...

What happened?

What year is it? Who am I?

Clark!

Did you just kiss Lois and her secretary?

Gee willikers, when I tell the guys... Hey, that's a nice camera you got there.

You've never shown me that. Yeah, it is wonderful. Santa brought it. Yeah? Yeah.

Perry.

Great Caesar's Ghost, what in the name of Elvis just happened here?

Um... Super speed.

Let's make this fast.

So what's next?

Well, I've always wanted to make a time travel movie.

Yes. How about Back to the Future?

I don't understand why they call it Back to the Future, because in the first one,

they go back to the past, and then they actually have to go back to not the

future,

But the present, which was 1985, why didn't they just call it Back to the

Present or Back to Now? Or maybe we'll do it in the future in the sequel.

Marty!

Hey, Doc.

What do you got there?

My greatest invention.

A trash can?

No, it's a time machine.

It looks like a trash can.

Well, I made it out of a trash can because I need something practical in

case it doesn't work. I can put my trash in it.

Okay.

All right, here.

Take this. I want to document and record everything.

Doc, we've got to get you updated on cameras.

This thing's not even digital. Not now, not now. Just come back. Start

recording. All right.

Hello, my name is Dr. Edmund Brown, and I'm about to demonstrate to you my

latest and greatest invention, this time machine.

Which, once the person inside of it goes to 88 miles an hour, they will be hurled

forward into the future. Which we will achieve 88 miles an hour by rolling it

down this hill.

Alright Marty.

Get in.

What?

I need someone to be the test subject. Get in. Get in your own time machine.

I can't. What happens if it fails?

I need someone to survive in order to continue the experiments. That has to be

me. I don't know about this.

Don't worry Marty.

If anything happens, I'll post the video on YouTube.

Great, just so they always know.

Alright, and now the moment of truth.

I

guess

the hill wasn't steep enough for it to reach 88 miles an hour.

I need a steeper hill!

It's okay.

I'm here.

Mom?

I had the weirdest dream.

I imagined I was rolling down a hill in a trash can at 88 miles an hour.

You're safe now up here in the hospital on the third floor.

You're not my mom!

No, I'm Alyssa.

You alright, man?

Hey!

Boys. You had a little accident when set.

It's a good thing I have a hard head.

Yeah, doctor said you might have some memory loss, dude.

Do you know who we are?

Are?

Are you Mimades?

I'm sorry, what?

Are you and me?

Ah, no, no.

The doctor didn't say anything about this.

Well, it looks as if your friend has been medically cleared. You can take him

home now. Shut up. No, he's not. Look at him. You don't have any drugs for this?

No, honestly, we did not find anything wrong with him. He's fine.

Well, I think I know what our next parody is going to be.

Shiver me timbers.

He's perfect for Johnny Depp's drunken gay pirate.

Jack Sparrow isn't gay.

He is. All pirates are gay. You're gay.

Hey, Davy Jones was gay.

He had a locker full of KY jelly and all sorts of gay crap.

Pirates aren't gay.

Then why do they call them butt pirates?

If you don't stop it with this gay pirate stuff, I'm out of here. All

right, all right. Chill.

Okay, don't leave.

All right, guys. No more gay jokes. Toe fart.

Well, I guess you're out of the movie then.

I brought you all here today because I have an idea that is just bound to be

the greatest idea of all time.

Bullshit! Bless you.

Oh, thank you.

We are going to make a parody of the greatest movie ever.

Star Wars?

It's been done.

Who cares? We'll just do it better.

So is Star Wars the one with the Klingons or Mr. Spock? Those were both

Star Trek. Oh, I beg to differ.

Wait, which one is the one with the gold bikini? Star Wars.

I'd like to see you in a gold bikini. Hey!

Keep your eyes up front, pal.

Alright. Just so we're clear, I know what you want. Just so we're clear, you

are a little bitch.

Okay. Okay. I'll remember that. I think we should do Star Trek instead

because... I think the lightsaber battles that Captain Kirk and Darth

Vader had, amazing.

Sweet. Yeah, yeah, they were good. They didn't exist.

Dude, I saw it in the movie Star Trek Deep Six Nine.

I thought your name was Klingon Killer.

How do you not know anything about this? You're not going to let him write this,

are you? I don't care who writes it, all right? As long as I'm playing Luke,

okay? Jennifer's playing Leia.

We're going to reenact the kissing scene.

Hey, no one's kissing anyone, okay?

Luke and Leia are brother and sister.

No, no, no, episode five they kiss.

Yeah. And that was gross.

Which one had the spaceships blow up at the end? Oh, God.

That was Battlestar Galactica. No, they all had spaceships blow up at the end.

Oh. If you were my sister, I'd totally make out with you. No one is making out

with their sister, okay?

Why not?

Happens all the time in the South.

My mother's my aunt.

It's just gross, all right? I mean, no one is making out with Jenny.

Nobody? Maybe not nobody.

Oh, I want to be Lando Calrissian.

Oh, my...

Does anybody know anything about Star Wars, huh?

It's an American pastime!

I do.

Thank you. If he get to be Lando, then I get to be R2-D2.

But now I want a small suit. I want a big one, like Halo 2 or something. No,

wait. I want to be the talking robot.

You're not playing C-3PO. Oh, not him.

Data. Data.

Data was from Star Trek.

And it was an android, not a robot.

I'm gonna show you the side of the Force you've never seen before.

Hey, no one's showing him on the Force, okay? Zip up. What's the Force?

Hey, look, I wanna play Yoda. Hey, man, he was jumping and flipping and shit.

No, you can't. Why don't we reenact the kissing scene right now? No, hold on.

What the?

What are you doing, dude? Ah, it's the Vulcan nerve pinch from Star Wars

Episode VII.

Apparently it doesn't work in real life, but it does.

I got you.

Ow!

Breathe, man, okay?

Use the breathing technique we talked about.

All you have to do is relax, man. I think you're hypertensive. I'm serious.

You might have a heart attack as we speak. What does that word mean?

You're a little bit overweight.

I'm going to show you the Vulcan nerve pinch.

That's it. You are playing a stormtrooper. That's all there is to it,

bitch.

Your mother's a bitch.

Why don't you get off that walkie-talkie and say it to my face?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah. Bring it in.

Told you I owed you.

Oh!

Wow. He's upset.

I need to see your license and registration.

You do not need to see your license and registration.

I do not need to see your license and registration.

You do not need to repeat what I am saying. I do not need to repeat what you

are saying.

Dumbass says what?

Dumbass says what? Stop it. Stop it. You will put your ridiculous weapons away. I

will put my ridiculous weapons away.

Is everything alright over here?

May the force be with us.

You will go to bed with me tonight.

Drop dead, loser.

That's never happened before.

Usually they go right to bed with me.

Dude, I'm not wearing this shit on camera. Well, if you're not going to

wear it, then you can't be in the movie. Fine.

I don't care about your stupid movie anyway.

You've been nothing but a pain in my ass since day one.

You know, I'm trying to be the voice of reason, alright? Because it's a stupid

idea. You're obviously the worst director to ever put on a pair of shoes.

You know what? Just get off my set, okay? You're ruining my movie. You're

ruining your movie.

You know what? You're an asshole.

Not as big an asshole as you.

You know what?

You are such a big asshole that people measure how big an asshole is based on

you. Instead of measuring an asshole based on 1 to 10, they measure it based

on 1 to Kurt. Fine.

You're never going to see me again.

Fine. You know what?

Jennifer, we're going to go.

Oh, okay. Come on, Melissa. Have fun shooting a movie without us, asshole.

Whatever.

We're better off without him, guys, okay? Let's just get back to work.

Actually, man, I gotta go find my quarter.

So, um, I'll just take a rain check for today.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Um, I gotta go tie my shoes.

Whatever.

Did someone say asshole?

Jesus.

Hey, buddy!

What's wrong, brother? My actors walked out on my movie, so now I can't finish

it.

Did somebody say they're looking for an actress?

No, no, thank you. The movie, it's not getting finished.

Oh, hogwash. I know what your movie needs.

A musical song and dance.

Ha!

That is not what my movie needs.

Fred? Yes, my love?

Hit it!

I like pig butts and I cannot lie.

The amphibians can't deny.

When a pig walks in with an itty bitty tail and a rug ruff in your face, you

get huffing. There ain't no stopping.

My lily pad is puffing. So frogs, toads, has your pig got the butt?

Then shake it. Shake it. Shake that big fat butt.

Porky got back.

Porky got back.

Porky got fed.

He didn't like it.

Do the butt thing again.

You don't know I'm being raped by babe.

Phone, phone, phone, phone.

David Legato, former director.

Thanks for calling.

Alright, bye.

What's wrong, homie?

Someone died.

That's too bad.

Wanna want to dance?

I'm leaving.

Who died?

The best boy.

We had a best boy?

Yeah. All movies have a best boy.

So what are we going to do now?

Well, I can't finish making the movie.

We don't have a best boy.

Can't you just get a new best boy?

Then he won't be the best boy.

He's called the best boy for a reason.

Because he's the best boy.

So what about your dreams of becoming a director?

Kurt was right.

I'm not a good director.

I should just forget about it.

When you asked me to be in your movie, I didn't know if I'd be any good.

But after acting in your movie, I realized that I was more than I ever

thought I could be.

That I was just... me.

That makes absolutely no sense.

Can you stop moving your hand around, please? It's very distracting.

Sorry.

So what do I do now?

Kurt's right.

You aren't a good director.

Thanks. But that doesn't mean that you can't be a good director.

You just need to work on your people skills a little.

And your technical skills.

And your storytelling skills. Alright, I think I get it. But in time, I think you

could be a good director.

You just need to work hard, believe in yourself, and stop being such an ass.

You really think I could be a good director?

Anything's possible.

So, uh, where's your best boy?

We're on hiatus.

Lucky me.

Wait, wait, wait.

What's wrong?

Were we really going to kiss in a cemetery?

I need a cold shower.

In closing, I'm sorry for being a pretentious,

over-controlling jerk.

And Sean, I'm sorry I threatened to braid your hair to my exhaust pipe and

drive down a dirt road.

It was uncalled for.

Apology accepted.

Can we finish making the movie, guys?

Well, do I get a scene making out with one of the girls here? As long as she's

not playing your sister.

I'm in.

I'm in.

Me too.

Me too.

Well, you know I'm in. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What is it? We can't make the movie.

We don't have a best boy. I can fix that.

Hey kid. Yes?

What's your job title? Second best boy.

Congratulations, you just got promoted to best boy. Wahoo!

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, go Ducks!

That's one.

Let me wait, son

Oh, shit.

Anybody else getting out of breath?

And if you don't, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Oh, no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, whatever you want, man. It's cool.

That is what we're looking for.

Yeah!

A little nervous, are we? Yeah, a little.

What's the worst that could happen, you know? They could hate it, we could be

the laughing stock and waste the last year of our lives.

No. What's up, brother?

It wasn't a waste, regardless.

You're right, man.

I'll take your seat. Yeah.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Okay.

I'm excited.

An adventure begins again.

E.T. phone home.

Here, E.T. Use my cell phone.

Digitally remastered.

You took off without me. Come pick my ass up. The connection has been made

between a boy and his pet alien.

Experience the film the way it was meant to be seen.

E.T., will you dance with me?

I can't. I have to go home.

E.T.

Elliot.

E.G.T.

Extra Gay Terrestrial.

Coming soon.

Supernova Man is the watchful protector of Citytropolis, who disguises himself

as mild-mannered and effeminate paper news reporter Adam Zapple.

By pretending to be gay, no one will ever suspect that Adam Zapple is really

Supernova Man!

As you can see, Lois, if I use Photoshop to remove Adam's glasses, remove his

effeminate hand thing, and change his clothes...

He looks exactly like Supernova Man. That's ridiculous, Jimmy.

Adam can't be Supernova Man.

Supernova Man is straight, and Adam is flamboyantly gay.

Hello. Good morning, everybody.

Did you know that I was nowhere near the Empire State Building last night?

Because I was at home having what I like to call butt sex.

I know you know what I'm talking about, Jimmy.

Up high.

Adam, you're late. It's almost 9.30. You know, that reminds me. I have an

appointment in the men's room.

Did you catch my drift?

I'm gay.

Whatever. Laters!

See? What did I tell you?

Well, hello, Lois. Am I late? Nope. Right on time.

You know, Lois, you look... Damn.

I could bang you right here, right now. As a matter of fact...

I just did. Oh, hey there, Jimmy. How you doing? Hey.

Well, hey there, new girl. Got a minute?

Ugh.

That's what I'm talking about.

You're my hero.

I know, right?

And the gay thing really works for you? Ugh, like a charm.

Queen. Go fish.

You know what?

You should really think about wearing a mask.

No, no, no. Far too itchy.

Six.

Are you using x-ray vision?

Of course not.

Oh, it's me.

Supernova Man calling Supernova Man.

It's Princess Lois. I've been captured by Darth Uranus.

Help me, Supernova Man. You're my only hope.

My word.

She's been captured by Uranus.

And I'm her only hope. I heard what she said. You didn't have to repeat that. I

just saw her talking to Hologram.

Hold on, that's me.

Dark Bat, it's me, Princess Lois.

Don't tell Supernova Man I'm contacting you because I just sent him a message

telling him that he was my only hope.

But in case he screws up, I need you, the Dark Bat, to save me from the

clutches of Darth Uranus. I wish I could tell you more, but it's pretty dark in

here and it kind of smells.

Please save me.

What are you waiting for? We have the saber. Let's go.

If you don't tell me the secret identities of Supernova Man and the Dark

Bat, I will be forced to show you the true power of the fully armed and

operational Death Ball. I'm not telling you anything.

Fine.

Right, Scott!

Now, there are secret identities.

No. If you won't speak with me, maybe you'll speak with my associate.

So how do we know when we found the secret fortress of Darth Uranus?

I think we'll know it when we see it.

Look at that.

A giant disco ball in outer space?

It's a disco ball, so what?

You're right.

It's probably nothing.

You know, can you pull over to that planet over there? I've really got to go

potty. Oh, sure.

You ever tried to piss with gloves on?

It's kind of hard to grip.

Hey, man, come on, man. You take it all day.

Super fast pissing power isn't one of my abilities.

Hey. Would you happen to know where Princess Lois has been, Hill?

Uh... Yeah, she was seen being taken to the building across the street a couple

of hours ago.

Thanks a lot, M'nay. Ain't that lucky, man.

Thanks.

We must have missed them.

Yep. If you'd have peed standing up, we'd have probably caught them. You know

I can't do that. It may drip on my suit. What do we do now? Look for clues.

A tape.

VHS?

I bet you it's some 70s porn out here. I really hope it's old porn. Pop it in.

Hey,

tell me what I want to know. Tell me, tell me, tell me. No.

Leave me alone.

Yeah, leave her alone.

They can't hear you. It's a recording.

Oh. If you tell me, you'll save yourself a lot of pain and suffering.

But then again, what would be the fun in that?

You think I came across all right?

Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming across the way I like. I think the

camera's still rolling.

Aw, damn it.

Oh,

I see.

You gotta push and turn.

You know that jokester, man.

I'm gonna sock him in his face.

Do you think I should laugh again?

I like it when I laugh at these things.

Yeah, okay, I'll laugh.

Well,

that didn't help, did it?

No. No, it didn't. Not at all.

Kicking your ass.

So I was thinking. Yeah?

I think we should split up.

I'll find Darth Uranus, and you can find that cockamamie whore, Princess Lois.

Yeah, that's what I call her, too.

I think that'll be at least twice as fast.

That's cool, man. But I got a question. How the heck are you gonna find Darth

Uranus? I'm gonna seek the guidance of an older friend.

The Jedi Master that trained you?

Yo mama.

My mama?

That's her name. Jedi Master Yo Mama.

Oh, okay, okay. Yo mama.

Alright, I got you.

I'm gonna have to pause this though, man, because I really want to save my

game, man. Why don't you pause it? You're player one.

Oh.

There you go.

Thank you.

Are jokers wild?

Sure. Why not?

Full house?

Come on. Take it off. A glove.

It's just a glove.

Great Jedi Master, how can I locate Darth Uranus?

Close your eyes.

Clear your mind. Only by putting all your energies into the Force will the

true location of Uranus be revealed.

All good in Sector Dandelion. Stop calling us. This is the wrong number.

Where's the jokester?

Bruce?

Harold? Man, what up? Man, what's going on, man? Nothing, man. You moving up in

the line of work, Stormtrooper? Yeah, I know. It's my night job. I run an adult

porn site. Nice, man. Hey, my mom does the same thing. Oh, hey, you know, could

you let go of my balls? Oh, my bad. Not bad.

Hey, you know where the jokester's at, though? Oh, yeah, he went back that way.

Hey, man, good looking, man.

Eventually, you get ready to take my job, ain't you? Oh, I'm thinking about

it. Not really, man. You need some chapstick, man. Tony.

Oh.

It's my ankle, man.

Oh, man.

Take it easy, Tyrone. Yeah, all right, man. Be tight.

Easy.

Read a man weep.

Now, give me the top.

Good evening, stormtrooper.

It's the dark bat, sir. Our location's been compromised.

You, watch her.

I'll handle the bat.

That's it. The disco ball. I should have known it was no ordinary disco ball.

It was a spaceship.

You see?

Only when your mind is still.

Why, that son of a... Don't worry.

He is ready.

He'd better be.

He's our last hope.

No, there are a couple more.

Then why am I wasting my time with that idiot?

What's so funny? My soldier's getting away on that speeder, and he's gonna

bring reinforcements.

Oh, oh, do it back.

Got you.

Not again.

All right.

Where's Princess Lois? Hold on. I'll give you the address.

That trusty pen.

There we go.

What are you doing? You're not supposed to shine lasers in people's eyes.

I can't see. You're blind?

Yes.

The irony. I have blinded the bat.

Haha, I found you, Uranus.

Haha, I found you, Darth Uranus.

Ah, so we need the game.

Ah, so we do.

Say hello to my shiny friend.

Are you kidding me here? A lightsaber? Don't you know that I'm impervious?

Kryptonite lightsaber.

Never leave home without it.

It is I, with the bat, as promised.

Very nice.

Don't touch me.

So, what do we do now?

Not so fast.

Holy shit. Jedi Jesus.

I can see.

I've risen from the dead.

That's right. And since I'm not a violent person, I leave you to fight on

my behalf.

Before you go, can I ask you a question?

Okay, shoot. Did your mother ever tell you anything about your father? Don't be

ridiculous. I have no father. My mother was a virgin.

Not exactly. She went to a sperm bank. They gave her my sperm.

Jedi Jesus?

I your father.

No shit.

Do you know what this means?

Jedi Jesus is walking around naked somewhere.

No. I have to fight both of us. Winner take all.

Lights out, jokester.

After I kill you, I'm going to make sweet, sweet love to your Princess Lois.

My belt!

I'll make sure that Darth Uranus will never again see the light of day. I

concur.

Well, Sam, you did it.

You got everyone back together and you finished the moo.

The moo.

Ziggy.

Ah, the movie.

So what's Ziggy's theory on why I haven't leaped yet? Ziggy's still

working on it.

Hey, hey.

What's up, dude?

Hey, congratulations on your movie premiere.

Thank you.

I really wish I could have came, but I had to work.

It's all good. I mean, I think everybody really liked it. Well, I guess you made

a good director after all.

Thank you.

You guys make a pretty nice couple.

Really? Because I think you guys make a really nice couple.

Thanks. Thank you.

You know, everyone kept asking me the same question today.

What's that?

When are we going to make a sequel?

I told you I would.

How? You saw that. Stop it.

Oh, no, she didn't.

Oh, is that some gin?

I'm going to get you.

Drop dead, loser.

Help me, Supernova Man! You're my only hope!

No, it's a time machine!

Nimrod!

This is runtime at pirate camp.

Well, show me your wand, and I'll tell you if it's big or not.

I'll show you my wand.

Wookie got fit!

Datto wasn't Star Trek! It's Datto.

It is.

Oh, shit.

And now, the moment of truth.

Oh, man.

Oh, man. Look at my shit.

Look, no starter cars.

Can I have my napkin back?

Tuck it in there. I can't move that arm.

Fast. Fast.

Fast. Fast. Fast.

Really fast.

It also downloads porn really fast.

When did you get a third slipper?

Say it.

Say it.

We play Monopoly.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Right here.

Wherever it counts. Go ahead. Go ahead.

I love this game.

I felt nothing. You didn't feel that? Nothing. Hey, do me, do me.

Let me show you something.

Stay low. Stay low.

That hurt.

I didn't know you were that strong.

It was only like an eighth of my power.

Why'd you have to hit me so hard?

I'd have gone more and maybe ripped your body apart.