Original subtitles

I love Sip n' Paint.

The ros� like, really unlocks my creative soul.

Oh right? Y'know, I always wanted to be an artist.

If it weren't for my complete lack of talent.

Oh stop. Yours is so good.

You really think so?

Stunning. The brushwork, the spacing, it's fearless.

You've got some real untapped artistic talent.

Wow. Real artistic talent. Huh.

You should consider signing up for the weekly classes.

Stunning. Oh God!

That... oh. That's wow. That is not a flower.

Are you okay? - I don't know.

All this dark stuff just started pouring out.

It was like my hand had a mind of its own.

The hell is wrong with me?

I knew this was a mistake.

I don't even like sipping!

? Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ?

? until them robots came along, ?

? and now there is no job for me, ?

? but I get three thousand bucks a month. ?

? Thanks to UBI. ?

? Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ?

? It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ?

? We're just Universal Basic Guys. ?

Dude, look at that thing.

It's like it was painted by a frickin'

5-year-old on cough syrup.

Oh, I like it. Makes me feel happy.

Yeah alright, well makes me feel unhappy.

Before we know it, this house going to be turned into

a kindergarten art class.

Someone's got to tell her the truth, okay.

And that person...

it's got to be you, Hank.

Uh... okay.

Hey Tam! Uh, Hank wants to tell you

what he thinks of your painting.

Oh, yeah? You like it, Hank?

- Yes. - Damn it, Hank.

Aw, thank you.

The Sip n' Paint teacher thinks I've got real talent.

Y'know, I'm starting to wonder if it's

been like suppressed or something.

[doorbell]

Hello.

- Oh, Mom! - Mom?

- Mark? - What the hell?

Nice to see you too, Marcus.

What the hell, dude? Why is she here?

It's a fun surprise.

Yeah, I don't know about fun, but it's

definitely a surprise.

Of course, you don't mind 'cuz you're her little angel.

I can't even sneeze without her making some snide remark.

The hell's going on in there?

Mark, open the door. - [groans]

Hey Mom! - Rhoda!

Oh hey Mom... uh... the hell are you doing here?

That's a hell of a way to greet your mother.

I'm here to see my boys.

As usual. Dress to impress?

Ok well, I wasn't expecting my mom who hasn't been back here in

five years to just randomly show up.

Planes fly both ways, doll.

There's my sweet little Henry angel.

- Oh hey Mom. - I missed you so much.

So how long are you in town for?

I was thinking I'd stay for a few weeks or so.

- Oh, that's awesome. - Wait, a few weeks?

There she is.

I haven't seen you in ages.

Hey, Rhoda. What a fun surprise.

The real surprise is how radiant you look

considering what you have to put up with.

Dar, you remember Mark's mom, Rhoda?

Mark has a mom?

Damn lady, you did a bad job.

Oh my God!

If it isn't that cute little half-Filipino boy

from the wedding. Look at you now all grown-up.

I almost thought you were a home intruder.

Uh... okay?

Now be a doll and take my bags to the guest room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, there, Mom, uh

Don't you want to stay with Hank?

Come on, Mark. Hank's a bachelor.

He needs his privacy.

Uh. I do?

Why don't you just stay with us, Rhoda?

The guest room's right down the hall...

Ah, no no no. Not happening. That can't happen.

Excuse me?

Um... why not, Mark?

Well, because, uh... she can't stay in your art studio.

- My what? - Ah, listen.

It was supposed to be a surprise,

okay but now the cat's out of the box.

You want to turn a guest room into an art studio?

Absolutely. You remember what your teacher said, ok,

you got real creative talent.

It deserves to be nurtured. In the guest room.

Mark, sweetie, I'm touched but

if your mom needs a place to stay...

Too late, you know, I already spent a whole

UBI check on all the supplies and what not,

and uh... we got the plumber coming by on

Thursday to install a slop sink, so...

Wow Mark.

Well, this is very sweet. [chuckles]

Hey, y'know, I'm just being a supportive husband, so.

So yeah, Mom, uh... Tammy didn't want to be rude but

unfortunately the guest room doesn't even have a bed anymore

so, yeah... But listen, if you want to sleep on a couch,

it's all yours, okay. It's a little lumpy,

I think I saw a spider lay some eggs there,

but you're welcome to sleep there if you want.

I'll stay with Hank.

Here we are.

Did you get robbed?

I don't think so.

Uh, let me give you the tour.

So if you need utensils, I have three forks,

a knife, and two spoons.

Uh, this is my table here,

I got three chairs. I used to have four but I lost one.

And that's my couch.

That's a recliner.

Uh, so this is my plant.

Uh, I named her Grassie.

Uh, because she is a blade of grass.

Are you depressed?

Mmm, I don't think so.

Alright, well, your mother needs her beauty rest.

It's been a long day and my sciatica's flaring up.

Oh, well uh, good news, Mom. I have a bed.

Yep, uh, that's it.

[groans]

So yeah, I'll just uh... I'll sleep here.

[groans]

Smells like mustard.

Good night, Mom.

Night, Henry.

He don't own anything, Mark.

Two forks and a plant, if you can even call it that.

Meanwhile, your wife's got an entire room for finger-painting?

Uh, it's not finger-painting mom, okay?

She's legit.

Some might even say, too legit to quit.

Oh, yeah? Let me see the paintings.

That's powerful stuff, huh?

That's a lotta flowers.

They're not flowers, Mom, okay.

They are symbols.

They're a metaphor for... feminism.

Like, y'know, see how they look like vaginas?

- Mark. Ew. - You're full of crap.

I'm full of crap.

Uh, you're full of crap, okay.

You really expect me to believe you just

came here to see us? What's the real story, Mom, c'mon?

You lose all your money on slots again and

get kicked out of your apartment?

The real story is that I'm not going to be around forever.

And I want to spend more time with family.

You know, before I die from a spinal fluid leak

from sleeping on your brother's prison cot?

But obviously I wouldn't want to get in

the way of Tammy's creative journey.

Yeah. You're right.

I guess I got carried away.

I don't need a whole room for a silly hobby.

Oh, c'mon, it's not a silly hobby, okay.

This is your calling.

These paintings are brilliant.

Well then they should be in an art gallery,

not just hanging in a spare bedroom.

Uh well, funny you say that because,

yeah, it just so happens that uh...

I have a meeting with a local gallery...

person.

And let's just say, uh, there's interest.

[gasps] Stop it.

Yeah, seriously. Stop it.

Well, sorry, if there's one thing

I won't stop doing, it's believing in my wife.

Oh, well then, what do I know?

I guess I'll have to see this work of genius in a gallery.

Please send me the exact time and

location of this very real event.

Oh I will.

You're gonna get all the details, Mom.

Address, attire, even a Zoom link

for those who can't attend.

You said your child painted these?

Uh, no, actually. Uh, my, uh, wife did.

She's going through her uh, "youthful" period.

Ah, I'm afraid it's a pass.

Alright, come on, dude. You and I both

know art is B.S., okay? I mean, if a fricken'

banana duct tape to a wall sold for millions of

dollars, clearly anything can be art.

Yes, you're right. Anything can be art. Anything...

but that.

Real art says something new.

It comes from emotion,

it comes from pain, and rage, and raw vulnerability.

Alright well, what if I told you these flowers

were actually vaginas?

Get out.

Hey, Mom, I'm home.

- Whoa... - Ta-da!

Uh. What happened to all my stuff?

I got rid of all that sad crap and got

you everything you need to live with some dignity.

It breaks my heart.

to see you living like a Victorian orphan.

You deserve comfort.

I was comfortable.

- Stop it. You can't be happy in

a house with hardly any furniture. You're not Japanese.

What happened to Grassie?

I released him back into the wild.

Oh, Grassie.

Forget him, Tam. Okay,

that gallery owner guy's clearly a moron.

Oh, maybe your mom's right. Maybe I'm not creative.

We should just turn the studio back into a guest room.

Come on, Tam. No, no, no. That Sip n' Paint

guy said you had real artistic talent.

No, I'm done painting. Tonight, I'm just going to sip.

Oh man...

Hank, what are you doing here?

Oh uh... yeah, I needed to get some rest.

Mom won't share the bed and she complains in her sleep,

so, y'know, I was thinking, uh,

maybe she could actually move in with you?

What are you talking about?

I thought you loved spending time with mom?

I thought so too, but then she murdered Grassie

and filled the place with her stuff from Florida.

Her stuff from Florida?

Oh God, I knew it, dude! She's not visiting.

She's back for good.

Alright, listen Hank, okay. You gotta make this work, okay?

I love Mom, but I cannot deal

with her making snide comments about everything I do, okay?

She's telling me my frickin' sneezes were too dramatic.

[loud rustling]

The hell was that?

[loud rustling]

Jinglebells? - Oh, uh...

What do you got there, dude?

Nothing, nothing at all.

Damn dude. That's... that's intense.

Yeah, well, apparently I'm a

frickin' psycho maniac.

If Andrea sees it, she's gonna call

adult protective services. I had to dispose of it

somewhere she wouldn't find it.

Why don't you just stop painting?

Because I need it.

It's like I've got all this dark stuff inside me

it's gotta come out.

But totally understand if you don't want all of this rage

and pain filling up your waste bin.

I don't know. I'll just burn it and never paint again.

Nah, dude, okay. You gotta let this out.

Okay, you're going to explode.

How about you keep painting

and when you're done... just throw 'em out my trash?

Seriously Mark? That would be amazing. I owe you one.

Pfft! C'mon, dude. No problem, okay?

Go create, David.

Let it all out.

[yawns]

[groans]

Oh my God!

- Tam? You alright? - The hell is that?

A frickin' masterpiece. That's what.

Jeez, I must have overdone it with the wine

'cause I got no memory of that.

I didn't know I had all this inside me.

Oh well, I did.

You've been bottling it up for years. But the wine

see that untapped your filter

and let you get into that unconscious genius.

Y'know like uh, Van Gogh.

Whoa... I knew I was suppressing my true talents.

Hey, uh, we got any more wine?

Hell yeah we do.

? Sipping and painting. ?

? Painting and sipping. ?

? Isn't painting lovely when imagination's zipping? ?

Yohoo!

? A swirling twirl of color ?

? makes the world feel soft and new. ?

? And the simple joy of painting sends a smile drifting ?

? through. ?

Hey, hey! Wait wait wait wait!

My goodness.

These paintings resonate with every fiber of my being.

I didn't realize you had such...

darkness in you, Mrs. Hoagies.

It's like my Van Gogh side.

Work of this caliber demands attention.

I want to hold a special exhibition.

"Violent Femme: The Paintings of Tammy Hoagies."

[chuckles]

I just love how she grapples with

the psycho-politics of gender apartheid.

Mmm. Shades of Judy Chicago.

Couldn't agree more. Could not agree more, yeah.

That is why I call her my Windy City Woman.

[crowd laughs]

Oh, hello Mother.

So glad you can make it to Tammy's fancy,

real-deal gallery.

What the hell kind of flowers are these?

Ah. Flowers were just my gateway.

But once I started working in a more... uninhibited state,

I realized I had years of suppressed emotions.

I just get blackout drunk for them to come out.

So you don't even remember painting these?

Nope. I just let myself go

and when I wake up, there's a new piece right on the easel.

Huh. That's... convenient.

That's how the creative process works, Rhoda.

The subconscious just takes over.

Exactly, yeah, this is raw, cerebral stuff.

I mean, look at Hank, okay.

I think your art might have broken his brain over there.

Isn't it wonderful?

I see so much power, so much pain.

What about you?

Grassie.

I see Grassie.

Well, that's the last time I'm letting you pick the restaurant.

What the hell is a vegan steakhouse, David?

Oh my God.

No way.

Tammy's an artist?

- Oh we gotta see this. - Do we?

I mean, clearly they don't want us there.

They would have invited us.

Oh no.

What in the hell?

Yeah, right?

This is deranged stuff.

Tammy needs some professional help. [chuckles]

Excuse me a sec.

Mark!

What the hell is going on?

Hey, relax, okay?

Nobody knows they're your paintings. Everybody here thinks

they're Tammy's, including Tammy.

What? Why?

Because it's a win-win.

You get to express yourself,

my wife's over there thinking she's a genius,

and I don't have my mom hovering over me

for the rest of my life like a frickin' parole officer.

Actually, that makes it a win-win-win.

Wait, people actually like my art?

Dude, they're obsessed. Are you kidding me,

These art snobs are eatin' this crap up.

And this one is about scary dogs.

As you can tell by the um... the scary dogs.

Or maybe it's actually the artist grappling with

humanity's eternal failure to master our primal instincts?

Uh... thank you for mansplaining the art to the artist.

Attention everyone! Quick announcement.

As some of you know, the Glantontown Arts District

is always looking for fresh energy, new voices.

Well, we would love to honor tonight's featured artist,

Tammy Hoagies, by having her paint us a massive

mural in the heart of the district.

We invite you all to watch its creation live

at our upcoming festival. Isn't that wonderful?

Did you hear that, Mark? I'm gonna paint a

frickin' mural live in front of the whole town!

Yeah, babe, uh, wow. That's awesome.

And thank you to Ms. Rhoda Hoagies

for this brilliant suggestion.

- Sup dude. - Hey Mark, uh... you want to

grill up some dogs and watch the Phillies?

Oh whoa sorry. I, uh, I, I'll come back.

It's me, Hank.

David, I thought you were Tammy.

Left one's a little small.

This is humiliating, Mark.

Yeah well, not as humiliating as Andrea

finding out you're a frickin' lunatic.

So, uh... what's happening?

Alright so, here's the deal, okay.

Tammy's got to paint this mural, right,

but obviously, as we all know, she sucks at painting.

So I got David here lookin like Tammy

so when she passes out, David swaps in and does the painting.

Why don't you just tell Tammy the truth?

Uh.. and have to deal with mom up in my business 24/7?

yeah, I'd rather blow my frickin' brains out.

Alright David, uh, turn around.

It's time for your calf injections.

[clapping] Thank you. Thank you.

This mural isn't just paint on a wall.

It's a mirror.

A reckoning. A vagina.

Not literally. But emotionally.

Today, I don't scream with my mouth. I scream with my brush.

[clapping]

Alright good luck out there, babe.

- Do your thing. - I don't need luck.

I've got talent.

Doubtfire, this is Reacher.

The cat is lapping the milk, okay. How are we looking?

Locked and loaded, baby.

You uh... you've been drinking over there, buddy?

You sound a little, uh... - I'm going method,

for to play the imposter, I must become the imposter.

Dude, are you nuts? You're a frickin' lightweight, okay.

You're gonna screw this whole thing up.

Okay hun, gotta go paint.

Love you.

Oh God.

Oh, hey, Rhoda. You excited to finally see the master at work?

Oh, yes. Though, I am a little worried

about you up there on that lift,

three glasses deep, in front of the whole town.

One wrong step and you're going to be

a Jackson Pollock on the asphalt.

Hmm... true.

Listen, you already know you've got

that creative firepower inside you.

If you're really an artist, you can do it without the bottle.

Y'know, you're right. I don't need

this stupid crutch to be an artist.

I am an artist.

Jinglebells!

- Oh my God, finally. - It's so exciting.

- Yes! Alright!

[groans]

Oh crap.

[distant laughs] Mom! Dah!

No, no, no, no, no.

Mom, what are you doing? It's for Tammy.

No, Mark. I'm doing it sober.

Wait, what? Why?

Don't need it.

Rhoda made me realize, I'm not some nurse with an inner artist,

I'm an artiste who is wasting away as a nurse.

Ah! Well said.

Whoa Tammy, wait, okay. You uh, sure you don't want a

drink or five? Uh,

just to ease the nerves? - No, this is my moment,

and I want to remember it.

Oh boy.

Uh Mark. Who is that?

It is I, Tammy Hoagies.

I love celebrity ros�, bad karaoke,

and being married to Mark Hoagies for some reason.

We love you, Tammy!

Let your freak flag fly, you psycho bitch!

I'm the psycho bitch...

I'm the psycho bitch!

David?

Appreciate me!

The true artist.

Begone, mask of shame!

[gasps]

Are you telling me Tammy never did those paintings

and it was just some guy in a dress?

A man made those paintings? Ew!

Now all I see is fragile male ego and unresolved mummy issues!

[crowd booing]

Give me the sharpest cheddar you have.

Ow!

Wait, what? No!

You're the frauds!

You're all idiots!

I'm the tortured artist!

Whoa!

[screams]

[crowd gasps]

Mark! What the hell is going on?

All right, Tam, Tam. Calm down.

Calm down. Here's the deal.

I'm gonna be honest with you, okay.

Those drunk paintings? Those were David's.

They were not yours. He is a sick little man. I'm sorry.

You lied to me?

Whoa, whoa... I lied for you, okay.

You looked so proud. I mean, I couldn't let some pretentious

gallery snob take that from you.

If being too supportive is a crime,

then guilty-as-charged, take me away.

You know what, Mark? Thank you. For pissing me off.

It's exactly the kind of raw, authentic emotion I needed.

[gasping]

You want pain? You want rage?

Well guess what? I got plenty!

[grunting]

[panting]

Hmm, it's a flower that says, "I'm mad."

I see it now.

It's... brilliant. Ironic, cloying even.

Yes. Shades of Abdulnasser Gharem.

Oh, shut up, It's just a frickin' flower.

All you art people are so full of crap.

I'm outta here. I got work in the morning.

Gotta say Marcus, as far as disasters go,

that might have been your masterpiece.

Well, all the credit goes to you, Mom.

You know, for being such a pain in my ass.

Let me give you a little marriage advice:

You want to be a supportive husband?

Just tell her the damn truth.

Okay, yeah. That's rich coming from

the woman who packed her silverware for a "vacation."

I have a nickel allergy.

I need my own utensils.

Fine. You want to know what happened?

I lost a little bit of money on the

Family Feud slots and Ruth kicked me out.

Is that what you wanna hear?

Uh, well... yes and no, I suppose.

Yeah, well, don't worry. I'll stay where I'm wanted:

with Henry.

Actually, Mom...

I think it might be better if you uh...

don't live with me.

Wow. Henry. Look at you,

showing a little backbone. I respect your decision.

Welp, I guess I'm staying with yous.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I can't just make that

that decision unilaterally, Mom, okay.

Tammy has to agree, and I don't think she...

You can stay with us for as long as you want, Rhoda.

Wait, wait, Tammy, sure you don't wanna...

try uh... pottery or something?

[grunting]

Perfect, right there.

Oh I'm also gonna need a space heater and a box fan.

My body runs like a furnace at night and a meat locker at dawn.

- Achoo! - Oh, my God.

What is it with these dramatic sneezes?

You happy about this, yeah?

Eh, the more the merrier.

But only one painting?

What happened to the rest of 'em?

Oh, uh, you'll be happy to know,

I found a buyer.

Welcome to your new home, Grassie 2.

As soon as you finish your water,

I'll give you the tour.

So uh, here's the living room.

I got a couch and a bed. This is a painting of a flower

by Tammy. Uh, you'll meet her someday...

Uh, and here's another flower painting by Tammy,

but this flower has red petals.

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