Original subtitles

Thank you.

I thought Captain Hastings was going to take command of this trip. No, he went

on leave. But we're only getting Captain Stubing for this one trip. Thank God.

Is he that bad?

Oh, Julie, compared to Captain Merrill Stubing, Attila the Hun is Father

Flanagan. Ivan the Terrible is Helen Keller.

Any sign of him?

No, no, no, not yet.

Well, it's time.

Right on the button.

Well, wish me luck.

From what I hear, you're going to need it.

Hey, Doc, what is this guy really like?

Isaac, compared to him, Heinrich Himmler was Mother Tums.

Welcome aboard the Princess, Captain Steubing.

I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise director. Also your girl Friday and your all

-around chief cook and bottle washer.

Am I wearing a fez?

Do I have a name tag that says, Hi, I'm Skippy. What's your name?

No, sir, but I thought... And please, don't assume that I'm here for a

Shriners convention.

Very good, sir. It's just that if you ask me, I... Miss McCoy, for your future

edification, I always have the last word.

Dismissed.

I think I have some mirrors and glasses to polish.

Chicken? I've got a streak of yellow feathers all the way down my back.

I

don't

get it.

This is Dr.

Bricker, our ship's doctor.

Welcome aboard the love boat.

The what?

That's just a little nickname we have. Isn't that charming?

Doctor, in my presence, don't ever call this ship a love boat.

I gotta go. I'm late.

Oh, gopher, honey, you're the most wonderful three days of my entire life.

You're so cute.

You're the cutest thing I ever saw.

Well, Cleo, I'm crazy about you, but I really gotta go.

I'll call you the second I'm back in port, all right?

Bye.

Save me some kisses.

Hi.

My old man always told me never travel with a woman. Oh, Ernie, you know you

never would have come on a cruise alone.

By myself, I would have gotten as far as a bowling alley.

You just don't want to have any fun.

Oh, no?

Well, when we get to our stateroom, I'll show you some fun.

Hello.

Enjoy yourself.

Oh, excuse me.

Am I on the right ship?

Morris Beekman.

This is the Princess Cruise. Five days out and back, including Puerto Vallarta.

Oh, thank you. Is there a list that should be checked off on? I mean, so

you'll know I'm here.

Zap, you're here.

Thank you very much. Simple as that, huh?

Oh, I told you. Beekman.

Morris Beekman. Yes, enjoy yourself.

Have a good time.

Honey, direct me to the John, the Fools, and any single men over 27, in any

order.

Well, the ladies' room is down the deck and to the right. The rest is up to you.

Thanks, sweetie.

This is my idea of heaven, Stanley.

Yeah, mine too.

My sister spent her honeymoon at a condo at Lake Gowhead. It's a time, I thought.

But this.

Yeah.

The good times are just beginning, Joyce.

You know, if two weeks ago someone had come up to me and said, Stanley, you're

going to meet a girl.

You're going to fall in love.

Get married.

No joy like you never thought could happen.

I'd have said stick it in your ear.

Me too.

Joyce? You want to go to the cabin, huh?

Do you?

I'll go when you go.

Right.

Right.

Attention, please.

Will the following passengers please report to the purser's office?

Mr. R.

Masterson, Mr. J. Williams, Miss N. Barr, and Mr. G. Summers.

Please report to the purser's lobby.

I always think so.

Are you one of the sailors?

That's right.

I love your boat.

Thank you.

That's all, Captain. Right.

I have to go in and sail it now.

Okay. Bye-bye, honey.

Walk through that door and you might as well rip out my heart.

Wait up. I'm leaving. Goodbye.

Oh, come on, Ernie.

Monty Hall wouldn't do this to us. I'm sure it's a mistake.

No. Letting you dress me up as a head of cabbage on national television, that was

a mistake.

But, Ernie, it's the big deal of the day.

For who?

The bionic man?

I mean, putting you and me, of all people... In a cabin with twin beds,

that's an act against nature.

Please, excuse me for interrupting, but I think I could be of some assistance.

Thanks, Pop, but this is a private argument.

Pop? My room has a double bed, and I wouldn't mind trading.

Oh, we couldn't put you out like that.

No trouble at all, Beatman.

Morris Beatman. And believe me, I don't mind.

I haven't needed a bed like that for 15 years.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thanks a lot, Deacon.

We're the Klopmans.

I'm Leonora, and this is my hubby, Ernie.

Good to see you.

Ernie! This place is a regular Buckingham Palace with portholes.

Are you from a game show, too?

No, I'm from New York.

Oh, well, you see, we won this cruise on Let's Make a Deal.

And I also got this genuine fur piece.

And $600 worth of polyester pantsuits.

It looks great in anything.

I'll get my toiletries.

Excuse me. I'm awfully sorry. Are you okay? Yes.

Adam.

Adam Wicker.

It's really you.

I'm sorry.

Don't tell me you've forgotten your very first patient.

Leonora. Yes.

I don't believe it. Last time I saw you.

You've just gotten your first evening gown.

Oh. Oh, gee, it's good to see you. Oh.

Old friend.

Leonora Sanders. What a surprise.

Well, I got a bigger surprise for you.

It's Leonora Klopman now. And I'm Ernie Klopman, her husband. Hi. I'm Adam

Brickership's doctor.

Well, my wife doesn't need a diagnosis.

Adam roomed at my mother's boarding house when he was in med school.

I was just a kid then.

But boy, did I have a crush on you.

Too bad I never knew you. You could have saved me a fortune in Alamo.

It's a small world.

Oh, this is Mr. Beekman.

Hi, Mr. Beekman. How are you?

How do I look?

Is it just a friendly question or are you asking for medical advice?

Adam, we have to get together and talk over old times. I'm sure the doctor has

patients to see.

Drop by my office any time. Okay. Diseases to cure. It's on fiesta deck.

All right. Lives to save.

I better be going.

So soon.

Nice to meet you, Bernie.

Ernie. Ernie. Mr. Beacon. Doctor.

It's a good thing he's a doctor. Why?

Because if he comes near you again, I'm going to break his arm.

Listen to it, old man.

Violins. It's no good.

Only gets your heart burned.

Attention. Will the cruise director report immediately to the captain?

You seem a trifle nervous, Miss McCoy. Is it on my account?

Yes, but I'll get over it. Don't be too sure.

My Captain Bly reputation is only partly myth.

I'll keep that in mind.

By the way, have you made out your guest list for dinner? I always handle that

for the captain. Yes, that is why I summoned you.

I have selected some people from the passenger list I think might make

reasonably unobtrusive dinner companions.

Please invite them to my table.

Well, there are only six. You have room for one more.

I know.

Just before we sailed, I saw a young woman who intrigued me. I want you to

invite her too.

What's her name?

That is your mission.

To find out.

She was blonde-haired, was pretty, was wearing a trench coat,

and had a tousled look.

You can't miss her.

A tousled look?

That's what I said.

She was also charming and childlike.

Well, I'll try to track her down. Do that. Bye tonight.

It is very important to me that I share my table with people I like.

Yes, sir.

on your sleeve down, Mr. Beekman. Thank you. Well, Doctor, what's the verdict?

The classic case of Maldemare.

Has anyone ever died from it?

Only on the Titanic.

You're seasick, Mr. Beekman. Here.

Just take one of these every three hours.

Thank you. Nothing to worry about. I'm not worried, Doctor, but when a man

reaches my age, he knows when to start counting sunsets.

I've been doing that myself lately.

What?

You?

Yeah, but it's what happens after sunset that I've had to start counting.

Well, maybe your luck will change.

Me?

I got on this ship because I didn't think I'd be getting off again.

Well, if you're looking for a job as a deckhand, I can put in a good word for

you. No, no, Doctor, this is the kind of feeling you get when you wake up on the

subway and you realize you've passed your stop.

Oh, Mr. Beekman, your stop is way down the line. Come on.

You'll outlive us all.

Well, I've already outlived my wife, my friends, every member of my family.

Who's left?

You know what worries me, Doctor?

Wherever they are, they're having more fun than I am.

Your attention, please.

Lunch is now being served in the Coral Dining Room.

Thank you.

Hi there.

Oh, hi.

We're the Klopmans.

I'm Leonora, and this is my hubby Ernie.

Oh, hi.

Hi, how are you? I'm May.

May Allen.

Oh, that's a pretty name.

Isn't this fabulous?

We haven't eaten any place so fancy since my cousin Katie's wedding at the

Elks Club.

Did you notice the chopped liver in the shape of a sombrero?

By the time I got through it, it looked like a derby.

Mr. Beekman, come and join us.

Oh, well, actually, I was just... Oh, come on, sit down.

Thank you very much. I'm May Allen.

Well, how do you do, Miss Allen?

It's Ms.

Allen. I've come a long, long way, baby.

I've come from the East Coast myself.

My name is Morris Peekman.

Clever. Have you noticed how they shaped a chopped liver like a yarmulke?

Like a what?

Skullcatter. Oh.

You You have very sensitive eyes, Mr. Beekman.

I'll bet you're a Libra.

No, I'm a tailor.

That's a stigmatism.

A tailor.

You look more like a banker.

That's funny. My mother always wanted me to be a banker.

You should have listened to your mother. You'd be a rich man today.

I'd also be dead.

The bank in our neighborhood blew up in 1949.

Hey, Adam.

Will you stop throwing yourself at that guy?

Bunky. He's just a friend.

That was on land.

You don't know what the sea air does to some men.

I know what it does to you.

Isn't that... Cute.

Oh, you two are really in love, aren't you?

I'll bet you have a terrific sex life.

Oh, sorry, honey. Am I embarrassing you?

Well, I never.

Well, maybe you should. It's good for you.

Julie, she's got to be here someplace. Oh, she just vanished.

What are you going to do now?

Well, I'm not going to tell the captain we failed, that's for sure.

She will be at his table.

I sure hope so.

This guy's doing bad news.

Very bad news. Oh, you know him?

Yeah, I know him. Well, where do you know him from?

Never mind, I just know him. Come on, go for you know the guy. Where do you know

him from? I know him. Hey, you guys, everybody's supposed to be helping me

out, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Blonde hair, tousled look, trench coat, charming childlike.

No. Does that ring a bell?

Yeah, but not when you're on the ship.

Oh, that describes a third of the women I know.

This describes Harpo Marx.

Good evening.

Where is she?

Oh, you mean that tousled, blonde-haired, trench-coated person?

I seem to be dining with an empty chair.

These people are entertaining as chiropodists go.

But I want that blonde-haired lady I saw.

Captain Steuming, if you knew how much time I've spent trying to... If I have

failed to make myself clear to you, speak up.

No, sir.

You haven't failed.

Good.

May I suggest the omelette?

Chorizo plain was my mother's favorite.

You want to turn in Stanley?

Do you?

Whenever you want to.

We got plenty of time.

Let's take advantage of every single minute. No sense rushing off.

Not since we're having such a good time.

You play gin?

Julie, come on. Hey.

we'll do is we'll step into my cabin, we'll pour some Kahlua on the rocks,

we'll go down the passenger list name by name, and if we come to a Mark's Harpo,

then we got you one tousled-haired dame in a trench coat.

A tousled-haired dame in a towel?

Why did you do this?

Because I love you and I couldn't stand to be away from you for five whole days.

How did you get in the ship?

I just walked on with everyone else.

But I'll leave in the morning.

In case you haven't noticed, we're at sea.

I know. Isn't that exciting? Now, wait a minute. Maybe we can book passage. Did

you bring any money?

I have five dollars.

Great. You can book breakfast.

Put your clothes on. I don't have any.

What? Just a raincoat.

I didn't have time to dress this morning. You know why. I did have to put

the raincoat on.

Indoors? Yes.

One stowaway on this ship, and Stubing wants to have dinner with me.

You know what this is?

This is Murphy's Law. Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. I'm the cruise

director. I work for this steamship line. I should be reporting her. Julie,

I'm the assistant purser. I'm the person you should report this to.

This is crazy. We can both... lose our jobs.

Why me?

I don't know.

On my head by 14 days.

This is for your dress.

Very thoughtful.

in just a minute.

Joyce, how are you?

I love you, Stanley.

I love you too, Joyce.

I was feeling a little nervous before, but I'm not now.

Because I'm calm and reassuring?

Because I took five Dramamines.

Yeah, well, the bottle said only take one, but I was feeling very nauseous.

Guess the bottle knew what it was talking about.

Be gentle, that's all I ask.

Let me know if there's... Something I should be doing, okay, Stanley?

Yeah, sure. Of course.

So, Joyce, is there anything that your other boyfriend is dead, some erogenous

zone that I might not know about?

Use your own judgment.

Fair enough.

That'll be fine.

Joyce, I'm reading between the lines here.

Please forgive me.

Please let me be wrong.

I'm getting the idea that you've never done this before.

Not in so many words.

Oh, dear God.

Are you sure?

I'd know, wouldn't I?

Yes.

Yes, I suppose you would I Know

men have a strong sense of honor about this kind of thing But I thought it was

something desirable in a wedding night situation.

I'm not having a problem with my honor here Joyce What we do have is a matter

of the blind leading the blind Oh God

Joyce, I'm open to suggestions.

What should we do?

Some kissing first, I think.

That's fair enough.

Joyce, should we... Joyce?

Don't fall asleep.

Just...

Joyce?

Joyce?

Is it over?

Ready to take on the Billie Jean King of ping pong.

Ah, too much for you, huh?

Anyone for table tennis?

Hey, it's a great way to keep your shape.

Ten years from now, you'll be sorry.

Hello in there.

Can Morris come out and play?

I just want to get some sun.

Some sun?

You better be careful. You're going to get a tan.

Hey,

want to play some ping pong?

Look, honey, I want to take a nap.

Look, are you going to spend this entire cruise just sitting around like an old

coot?

I certainly hope so.

You know what your problem is?

You think like an old man.

I am an old man.

Oh, baloney. You're as old as you feel.

I feel pretty old.

It's terrible.

It's wonderful.

Being old is not a crime. It's a pleasure.

You ought to try it sometime.

Well, I will when I'm 65.

You really think when you get old you stop having fun?

Well, Gramps, I wouldn't want to take you on a hayride.

What did you say, Gramps? You actually said Gramps. Give me one of those

rockets.

I'll beat you two out of three.

Come on.

We'll get over there and we'll... Don't sit there. Help a man up.

Stanley, is something wrong?

You smashed my nose.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not used to sleeping with people.

Stanley? What?

Was it, you know, all right?

Sweetheart, don't you remember?

You passed out. What a drama means.

Well, I certainly feel refreshed.

You do, huh?

Yeah, I thought it was afterglow.

Want to try again, honey?

No, I don't think so, sweetheart.

My nose hurts too much.

Joyce?

Why is your toothbrush in the water glass?

That's where I keep it. My whole family does that.

I never noticed that before.

So? Well, I just checked, and your friend is still in your cabin. Then

she's okay. Oh, yeah, fine.

Quiet as a mouse.

Matter of fact, she's reading.

Reading?

The book's called Dolly Drake, Barnyard Nurse.

She's having a swell time.

Cooper, where did you find her?

Well, she sells plants in a nursery.

I went in there one day to buy a new sack of fragile Sarmentosa. Bound up

going to dinner with her three nights in a row.

She digs me.

Yeah, I know.

She said you're the first guy she went with who didn't beat her up and then

steal her car.

We'll come and offer you a choice.

Like what?

Walking the plank or hanging from a yard arm?

No. Between my giving your girlfriend to the captain as a stowaway and my giving

her to the captain as a dinner guest.

I don't get it.

Are you willing to help me coach her so we can pass her off as something besides

your underdressed lady friend?

Yeah, but do you really think you can bring that off?

I'll have her letter perfect. She'll be beautiful.

She'll charm him, he'll love her, and I'll just have my whole career on the

line.

Think he saw me? What is it with you and Stubing?

Oh, it's nothing.

Nothing? You almost fainted just now. You know him, don't you? I'm not gonna

tell you, all right?

All right. I've been so feisty.

Well, I need some time to get things together. I'll see you later.

Julie?

You're terrific.

Gopher.

Years from now, when we speak of this, and we will speak of this, just

remember, she's your stowaway.

It's really very simple, Mrs. Richards.

Just don't eat everything they offer you.

Leonora!

I'm so glad you decided to come.

You know I could never resist playing doctor with you.

I was beginning to think you'd stood me up.

I had to wait till Ernie was asleep.

I'll be with you right after this patient.

Oh, no, you won't.

I'll take two aspirin and call you in the morning.

Attention, please.

The second sitting for lunch is now being served.

They're still alive.

I can't stand them.

Are you sure the book said to eat so many?

Come in.

Captain Stubing. I did it.

Ah, what's her name? I found her.

Her name?

You remember what that is.

Mine is Merrill Stubing. Yours very nearly was Mudd.

Her name.

Isn't that silly? It's right on the tip of my tongue.

Frankly, Miss McCoy.

Frankie.

Frankie? Her name. Frankie.

Roosevelt.

Frankie Roosevelt?

It's short for Francis.

Is she any relation to thee, Roosevelt?

Of course she could be.

It's fascinating.

Now, there is one thing. Yes?

When I spoke with her, she said she was very pleased to be invited to your

table. Yes? And she said she really enjoyed meeting you, but... She has to

stay in her cabin tonight.

Why? Why?

She's finishing a novel. She's a writer?

No, more of a reader. A literary critic.

Something along those lines.

She said she'd be very happy to have dinner with you tomorrow night.

Well, that's what she said. I can only tell you what she said.

Well, all right.

Well done, Miss McCoy. Thank you, sir.

She enjoyed meeting me.

Why don't I join you?

Oh, Morris, of course. Isaac, please.

For Morris, my best friend, three of whatever he's drinking.

Tonic water, right? Yes, thank you.

Well, what are we celebrating?

Well, we're celebrating my second honeymoon, of course.

I know what you're thinking.

You think a bit. This is a honeymoon celebration.

Where's the happy bride?

You and Lenora have a fight?

Oh, how are you going to fight with somebody who's never there, Morris? I

mean, every time I turn my back, she disappears.

But when I find her, she's with that doctor.

Oh, come on, Amy. He's an old friend.

He's not that old.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean... It's all right.

I am that old.

You know, I really can't blame her.

She just wants what every woman wants.

Free medical advice?

A baby.

We've been trying for a long time.

And you think that she and the doctor would... I'm shocked at you, Ernie.

Don't you know by now that doctors don't bring babies?

Tell her that.

Of course I want that baby.

I want that baby.

Ernie, you're not going to get that baby by sitting around a bar.

Well, I tried sitting around my cabin and that didn't work. Maybe I'll try

sitting around somebody else's cabin.

Ernie, let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, I knew a young man who was a great deal like you.

Morris, if this story is about you, just say it, okay?

Actually, you're a lot smarter than I was.

But like you, I was very jealous of my darling wife, Naomi.

I thought she was untrue to me, so I left her.

I spent a week in Hackensack.

Hackensack!

It was the worst week of my whole life. And then a mutual friend proved to me

that I was wrong.

Well, you can imagine how I felt.

I rushed back to tell Naomi how sorry it was and how much I loved her.

You know what happened?

She took you back.

She wasn't there.

She'd run off with a hosiery salesman and was leg modeling in Cincinnati.

What the hell kind of a story is that?

I'm telling you.

If you believe a lie, somebody will make that lie come true.

Naomi, but we gotta help the young people.

Stanley, as much as I'm enjoying playing cards right now, I can't help thinking

there must be something else we could be doing.

Yes, you're absolutely right.

I'm sorry about last night.

So am I.

And this morning.

So am I.

Joyce.

Stanley.

Joyce.

What, Stanley, what?

I think we have a problem here.

We do?

As near as I can tell, I think I'm about to throw up.

No, no, no, Joyce, it's not you.

It's all those oysters.

They didn't die.

Boy, Ma, you were right.

Saving myself for marriage was definitely worth it.

Goofy, do I have to?

Do you want me to go to jail?

Do you want Julie to be fired?

No. Okay, you guys.

Now, come on, Cleo, we'll start from the beginning.

I'll bring you into the dining room. You'll be wearing one of my dresses.

You'll look great. I'll bring you up to the table.

Captain Steubing, may I present Frankie Roosevelt.

A pleasure, my dear.

Waiter.

Bonsoir, madame et monsieur.

How about some ribs?

How nice it is to be asked to sit at your table.

Thank you. I would like to sit down.

Thank you. I would like a drink.

No, you're supposed to wait until he asks you those things.

The name Frankie Roosevelt sounds very familiar to me.

Frankie Roosevelt was the president of the United States.

She was?

Okay, let's start from the beginning. What happens if I forget what I'm

supposed to say? Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Oh, yeah, fine.

Just as long as somebody brings up Dolly Drake, barnyard bombshell.

Barnyard nurse.

Good morning. Our arrival at Puerto Vallarta is in one hour.

Oh, George.

You did it again.

My mother was right.

She said not to trust love at first sight. She said you were probably an

incipient beast.

Well, it takes one to know one.

Let's not start on families.

You don't even know my family.

That's right. It's not fair to judge people just because they wore matching

bowling shirts to a wedding.

At least my mother had the good taste not to boo during the ceremony.

You apologize to me.

No.

You are stubborn.

you were stubborn, Joyce.

You're a hysterical person. I didn't know that either.

There's a lot you didn't know about me. I know all about you. You're moody.

You're finicky. You're insensitive. You yell.

You got bad habits. You got bad taste. You look crummy in the morning.

You think the way you look you're gonna make anybody forget Paul Newman?

Maybe. Maybe not.

But it's a lot better than making them remember Quasimodo.

Even though you just compared me to the hunchback... notre dame i am not going

to get mad stanley because i am trying very hard to remember that these are not

the words of a rational man don't we have anything in common yes as a matter

of fact we do we can't stand each other i

thought i loved you stanley i thought i loved you too joyce do you want a

divorce we don't need one all we need is an annulment

Okay, fine.

Terrific. Maybe the captain can grant one at sea.

I'm going to be honest with you, Stanley.

That's about all we have left.

So it's worth a try, isn't it?

I don't know.

Well, I do.

These last two days have been the worst of my life.

I was scared out of my mind.

I took the Dramamine's on purpose so we wouldn't have to do anything that nice.

You did?

Did you smash me in the nose on purpose?

No, that was an accident.

But I was glad.

Were you glad that the oysters made me sick? Yes.

I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

No.

You're not so terrible.

To tell you the truth, I was so happy that you passed out I couldn't see

straight.

And I was glad that you smashed me in the nose.

And I didn't really get sick on the oysters.

You faked it?

Yes.

You're a terrible person.

You want to start all over again?

Blind leading the blind?

What the hell?

You must have learned something.

Oh, boy.

I started off with kissing.

What difference?

That was kissing.

This is kissing.

This is Captain Stubing.

We hope you enjoyed your visit ashore in Puerto Vallarta.

Our departure is on schedule and we are homeward bound.

Enjoying yourself?

Nice to see you.

Miss McCoy, this is a pleasure.

The mystery lady from the promenade deck. I'm from Chicago.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Miss Frances Roosevelt.

The Criswells, the Potters, The Rosenheimers?

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Would you like a drink before dinner?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

He seems to have the same weakness you do for intellectual women.

I'm sure you're asked this constantly, but are you any relation?

To who?

To Roosevelt.

No.

Oh, were you married to Roosevelt?

No.

How did you get the name Roosevelt?

I don't know.

Would you care to discuss a book?

discuss anything what

do you suppose she's telling him

oh they're probably discussing farm subsidies it's after that

when dobbin gets sick he's a nice old horse and dolly drake loves him very

much she used to ride him when she was a little girl but he's been rewarded for

being such a good horse And now he's living with his wife in the barn.

There's nothing more beautiful than a full moon at sea.

Oh, yeah.

It's so romantic.

You know, I absolutely lose all control of myself.

Do you realize that the moon is over her?

I think that's part of its charm.

Its age?

Well, you certainly don't have to be 15 billion years old to be charming.

You don't have to be sweet 16 either.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it means there's a grace that comes to a person when she reaches a

certain age.

Oh?

Well, speak for yourself, Charlie.

You're a lovely, vital woman, and it makes me sad to see you cover up your

God-given good looks with that phony-looking wig and that gooey makeup.

Getting old is nothing to be afraid of.

Well, what makes you think I'm afraid of anything?

I'm just... I'm just young at heart, that's all.

What's so bad about being old at heart?

Look, you may enjoy going around with one foot in the grave, but I don't.

May. I'll tell you a little secret.

I took this trip because my time has come.

I wanted to happen at sea.

What?

You see, if it happened in the city, where it's so crowded these days, you

could possibly get into some sort of holding pattern.

But out of here.

Maybe my soul will make it in one straight shot.

What are you talking about, anyway?

You don't just... die.

Honey, don't get me wrong. I love life.

But when a person dies, it's making room for someone else to be born.

That's the miracle of life renewing itself.

Old souls getting recycled into new ones.

Recycled?

You're looking at one soul that has no intention of being

biodegradable.

You want to stand out here like a nut and chart your course into the twilight

zone? Go ahead, but don't expect me to hang around and watch.

And don't expect me to...

wait around and give you a farewell toast either.

I save my thoughts for the living.

Where are you going?

To dance my socks off.

So, Dolly cures Dobbin's broken leg, and Farmer Wendler gives the little boy the

job of taking care of the puppies till they're all grown up.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

You're about the cutest thing I ever saw.

Grown-up men in sailor suits are so manly, I can't stand it. Thank you.

You happen to be a terribly attractive female.

Tell me, if I were to send a magnum of champagne to your cabin,

where would I send it?

The cabin is number D6. I memorized it.

D6? No, you don't mean D6.

You must mean C6 or B6.

No, D6 is the cruise quarters.

No, it's D6.

You'll still send the champagne, won't you?

Speak too soon, but I think we did it. We did it.

To my wondering, I should appear but former Navy gunnery mate, Burl Smith.

Also known as Rodent.

Gopher, sir.

Why did this young lady tell me this was her cabin?

Uh-oh.

Miss Roosevelt dropped down to have a drink with me, and Gopher invited us in

here. Right here into his cabin. We were just having a little kaloo on the rocks

before Frankie has to go back up to her own cabin. Would you care to join us?

Did you...

Pay to be a passenger on this ship?

No, I just got on.

Gopher, as they say, the boat has sailed.

Captain, the truth is... Captain, the truth is, Miss Roosevelt, Frankie,

is actually Cleo Bagby, and she's with me.

And you will all be with me in my cabin at 1100 hours tomorrow.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Smith. Sir.

Our last encounter, I thought, was without precedent.

Now this.

How ignominious that both of you should sacrifice your careers for a stowaway.

Will you tell me now? What is it with you and Captain Stubing?

I sank his yacht.

You what?

Well, I was a Navy gunnery mate. We were on maneuvers.

It was not my fault. Steubing's yacht was not supposed to be there.

You shot a gun and sank it?

That's right. A big gun?

Oh, big gun.

The Navy cleared me.

But Steubing, he said he'd nail me if it took the rest of his life.

I think he has.

Did you people notice that Morris Beekman was not at breakfast this

morning?

And do you know that he refuses to come out of his cabin?

I know.

I looked in on him just a little while ago.

Did he say anything about the farewell dinner tonight?

Yeah, he said they weren't going to be around for it, but I mean, I thought it

was a joke. Where can he go?

Oh, if you knew why he came on this cruise, you wouldn't ask.

Somebody has to go and talk to him. Well, why don't you?

You know, you made quite an impression on him.

Me? Uh-huh.

Morris told Ernie that he could really fall for you if only you were

a little older.

Did he really?

Huh?

Well, I never...

Here they are now.

Pearl Smith, mad gunner.

Frankie Roosevelt, child critic.

Julie McCoy, secret agent.

Sally Drake, barnyard nurse.

I beg your pardon?

That's the book.

Thank you.

You will take care of Miss Bagby's passage, I trust? Oh, yes, sir.

Absolutely, sir. Good. Now, Mr. Smith, I have some unfinished business with you.

Your yacht wasn't supposed to be there. Do you lie?

As I was going to say, my yacht was not supposed to be

there.

Sir?

Please accept my apologies for having said I would hound you to the ends of

the earth.

Oh, sure. Heck, no sweat, sir.

Thank you.

Now,

I have given this matter a great deal of thought.

We have two malefactors and a stolen passage.

The passage will be paid for.

But what about the malefactors?

They are two otherwise exemplary sailors whose involvement in this crime was

accidental.

You might even say...

Their temporary commander was an accidental accessory, since he insisted

on having said stowaway at his table.

So, since tomorrow will be the last day we share together and see each other,

and since the passage will be paid for, and since this is the happiest

and best-run ship on which I have ever sailed,

With the exception of my yacht.

And because I would not have missed the story of Dolly Drake, barnyard nurse for

anything.

I suggest you all leave before I change my mind and regret not placing you in

irons.

Who's there?

I said,

who's...

Morris,

you gotta come to the farewell party.

You'll be the only person there anywhere near my age.

Me!

Hey, come in. Come in.

Well, let me look at you.

Eh, what's to look at? You've seen one old lady, you've seen them all.

Hey, I don't know when I've seen anyone more beautiful.

Oh, there's a lot more where that came from. I got matronly grace I haven't

even begun to tap.

I want to remember you like this always.

Hey.

Hey, you talk like I was leaving you or something.

You play your cards right. You may never be able to get rid of me.

Hey, come on. Come on now. Get dressed and come to the party.

I mean, it's the best offer I've had in years, but I thank you.

Well, why?

Hey.

Hey, you haven't got another date, have you?

Well, to tell you the truth, dear, I'm depressed.

You see, I thought this cruise might be my last happy memory, but here it is the

last night.

And nothing.

Well, life is full of disappointments. You're telling me.

We just have to learn to live with them, that's all.

Look, are you just going to sit there and stare at me all night, or are you

going to come to the party?

Of course I'll come to the party.

I never could say no to a beautiful lady.

See... Morris!

You okay?

Of course, fine.

Fine, honey, I'm all right.

It's just I got up too quickly. You know how it is with us old coots.

Come on, I'm fine. Come on, get that worried look off your face. I'm fine.

You run along, and I'll join you for dinner.

What do you mean goodbye?

We've just begun to say hello.

Thank you.

All right.

Where is she?

She said she was going to be here 15 minutes ago. Ah, take it easy, Ernie.

Morris isn't here either.

They'll probably both show up together.

She said she forgot her stole.

How long does it take a woman to get into a fur?

Takes most of us the best years of our lives.

Oh, here she is. Here she is.

Oh, I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry I'm late.

Where's your stool?

Oh, I guess I left it in Dr. Bricker's office.

You got a sick fox?

I must have forgotten it in all excitement.

Look, if he laid one hand on you, one hand.

Ernie. Shh.

That is no way for an expectant father to behave.

And you mean you and I? Ernie, we're pregnant.

How did that happen?

No wonder it took so long.

Oh, congratulations, kids.

Oh, that's terrific.

Did you just find out about it? Just a few minutes ago.

Adam has been running some tests to see what the trouble was, but before we

could finish, bingo, it was like magic or something.

We're pregnant.

It's the miracle of life renewing itself, just like Morris said.

Morris.

Hey, Mr. Beekman.

Wait till he hears the good news.

Ernie, go get him. He must be in his room, in his cabin. Okay, first we'll

have a little bit of this.

And I'll go get him. Sit down, Ernie.

Morris won't be coming to dinner tonight, will he, Doc?

Not tonight or ever.

I'm very sorry.

What are you talking about?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, Ernie.

That nice old man.

I'm very sorry.

We don't have any cause to be sad.

This is just what he wanted.

Tomorrow, Speakman.

and to life.

Beautiful day.

Daylight.

I'd forgotten what it looked like.

Let's go straight home.

Uh, can't I go to work first?

All right.

Then come right home, okay?

Come on.

If it's a boy, we're gonna name him Morris Adam.

Thanks. And if it's a girl... Ernestine Marissa.

Ah, Mr. Beekman would have liked that.

It's definitely gonna be a boy.

How can you be so sure?

I got it straight from an old soul.

So long, Doc.

So long, May. Bye-bye.

Take care.

Bye.

I love you.

Well, in spite of everything, the ship is once again in safe harbor.

Well, we always manage to muddle through, sir.

You know, four days ago, I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but I'm

going to miss you, sir.

You think you'll never see me again, don't you?

Well, I'd hate to never see you again.

That's nice.

In that case, I have some information that should make you very happy.

I have been given permanent command of this ship.

Command of the princess?

Forever. Until I retire or you sink it, whichever comes first.

Well, I guess congratulations are in order, sir. Thank you, doctor. Thank

you. For me, too.

On your new job and on getting command of a terrific ship and a terrific crew.

Well, I think you're pretty good.

In spite of my reputation, you will find that I am the easiest man in the world

to work for.

All I demand is perfection.

Well, what time does the mutiny begin?