Original subtitles

[? jovial music]

[Charlie] All right, car behind you! Car! Car!

-[Mac] Car. -[Charlie] Clear! All right, clear!

-[Dennis] Clear. -[Mac] Clear.

-Car. Behind you. Car. -Car. Car.

What the hell's going on out here?

All right, clear, clear. The guys are having a race.

-[Mac] Clear. -Clear.

-What kind of race? -To settle a dispute. They're beefing.

-What's the beef? -About which one was the original, okay?

The original what, Charlie?

You guys are killing me with the questions. Okay, okay.

They're beefing because they wore the same exact Rudolph sweater, all right?

So, they're having a race to see whose idea it was to wear the sweater.

The winner of the race wears the sweater for the Christmas card. Car!

-[both] What? -[Charlie] Oh, my God.

You guys are doing the Christmas card without us?

Look, Dee, this is on a need-to-know basis,

and you do not need to know.

Yeah, look, we wanted a card with a little bit more physical prowess this year,

that's why we're doing, like, jumping spin kicks.

-Great. -You can't do a jumping spin kick, guys.

Is that what the ladder's for?

The ladder's none of your business, Frank.

-Can you believe this? -Oh, no.

-We should be on that card. -Yes.

Dee, don't take it personally. It's not about you.

You know who it's about? It's about Schmitty.

Look at this guy. Here's him a couple years ago.

"Wishing you a Maui Christmas!"

-He's in Maui... -He's in Maui.

...where he's judging a Hawaiian Tropics bikini contest.

-Yeah. -All right. The next year,

-"Marry Christmas!" -[Dee] He got married.

He's married to one of the models. The year after that...

[Dee gasps]

-..."Season's Breedings!" -[Dee] Breedings.

She's bore him some sort of Hawaiian child.

-[Dee] Oh, wow. -[Charlie] The guy's just embarrassing us

with these Christmas cards.

That's why we gotta do the jumping spin kicks, guys.

-I'm sorry, okay? -But we can-

And we can't take the picture until we do the race.

-Yeah, but why don't you just do a trial? -A race is faster.

-It-It's over in a matter of seconds. -No, this is so stupid.

You guys are gonna get hurt.

Shut up, Dee! You're stupid. You're on a need-to-know basis.

-Shut your mouth! Stupid bird. -Guys, go now, now, now, now. All ready?

On your mark.

Get set. Go!

[? "Temptation Sensation" playing]

[? song ends]

[Charlie] All right,er the?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Okay, okay.

-I'll stop moving it. But you gotta keep... -[groans loudly]

-Dude, just breathe. -Okay.

-[grunts] -Okay? You got to keep it elevated.

-This is all Mac's fault, dude. -Well, I mean, you guys were both racing.

-I'm the original. You know, I- -The original what?

-What are you talking about? -I create the IP, he-he-he copies it.

-Right. The IP? -IP, dude. Intellectual property. Duh.

-Right, yeah. -My ideas. He copies my ideas.

He copies my sweaters, the tearing of my most crucial ligaments.

-But- -Son of a bitch!

-You know, can you- -[bell rings]

-Yeah. -He copied my bell.

He copied the bell idea. That was my idea.

I don't love the bell. Okay. [stutters, sighs]

He's going to town on that bell.

-Yeah, all right. -Go yell at him.

-Hang on a second, man. -Can you yell at him?

Yo. Ay, ay. You can stop ringing.

-I heard you. What's up? What's going on? -Hey, Hey.

Is he in there taking credit for the bells?

Because I'm the one that ordered these bells for Christmas,

and I feel like these are my idea and I should get credit for it.

Okay, yeah, cool. Credit to you.

Is he... Is he wearing the Christmas sweater?

'Cause I should be the one that's wearing the Christmas sweater.

-Who cares about who's wearing it? -No, let's be real, dude.

I'm the one that wanted to return to a more traditional model of Christmas,

as I do with this country, and you know he doesn't care about that.

Yeah, Got you. So, what's up?

Um, I gotta pee really bad, so could you get him out of his room?

Why?

Well, because there's only one bathroom in the entire apartment

and it happened to be in his room, so...

Okay. Just close the door and go to the bathroom.

I just don't want him to be able to hear me make.

Uh, I'll have him plug his ears.

Can you just get him out of the room

-so I can pee? -Oh, my God. Damn it. Give me one second.

-I mean, God! -Stay there. One sec.

Hey, uh, Dennis, you got to clear out. Mac wants to use your bathroom.

Oh. [chuckling] Does he now? Okay, well,

why don't you tell Mac that I will no longer be sharing my IP

or a place to pee pee. [chuckles]

Say it like that, that was a good delivery.

Dude, come on, where's he gonna piss?

Oh, I'm sure he'll come up with something

just like he comes up with all of his other original ideas. [chuckles]

That was sarcasm. So you know what, label it,

because it's best to label sarcasm after you use it.

Can't you guys just, like, settle down and talk to a...

No, no, no, no, no, no, stay off your knee.

I'll talk to him. I'll-I'll label it. I'll...

-I'm getting up. I'm coming to pee. -[Charlie] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't-Don't get up. Don't get up. Okay.

Uh, he said you can't use his bathroom. Uh, or his intellectual property.

Uh, he said, you'll come up with something

just like you come up with all the original ideas around here.

-That's... That's true. -Yeah.

Was he being sarcastic?

-Yeah, he was being sarcastic. -[sighs] Why didn't you label it?

I forgot, dude. I didn't realize I was gonna have to-

I want you to remind him whose room it actually was when we first moved in.

-It was your room? Was it? -But we switched. Yes.

-Why'd you switch? -Because I wanted to be in the room

with the thermostat because I run cold.

He got the bathroom. You got the thermostat.

But listen, I want you to say it exactly like this.

-"Dennis..." -Dennis.

-"...Mac said..." -He'll know it was you. We're the only...

-Okay. -"...if you can't stand the heat,

then don't go in the kitchen." And then do it with a wry smile.

-Oh, 'cause it's sarcasm. -No, it's a... it's a full-blown joke.

So, you say the joke and then you finish with the wry

and the wry is the punctuation at the end.

-And- -Okay. "Dennis, Mac said,

'If you can't take the heat, you gotta get out of the kitchen.'"

-Something like that. -That's pretty good. Let's do that one.

And saying that you said it and that it was a quip,

-an aside will give him context for... -Yes.

...who's speaking in this apartment where there's only two people

and one person who's communicating between them, but let's...

-I'll get that all covered. -That's it.

-That sounds great. -Thanks.

Okay, so he said... Oh! Uh, sorry.

-Mac said... -Good.

As if anyone else could possibly be saying this.

-You. -Yeah, but it's not me.

I've been delivering mes... Okay. It's fine. Fine. Whatever.

So, Mac said that this was originally his room, not yours.

-[scoffs] -And then he said, uh,

"If you cannot take the heat, don't go in the kitchen."

Even though the expression, yeah, it's the opposite way around.

So you're already in the kitchen and you're feeling the heat...

It would make more sense if you were in the kitchen.

Either way, he got that wrong.

And then lastly, he said to do one of these,

which is a wry smile that I'm supposed to give you.

-Why would you label it? -I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing. Why would I do any of this?

-You gotta know when to label things when... -Do I?

Yeah, because if you do a joke, you have to explain it.

-Oh, cool. -Otherwise, it's not as funny.

-Okay. Sounds good. -Okay, well, how about this?

Why don't you tell my wry little guy who runs so cold

to go ahead and crank that heat up, and he can hold his piss forever.

I'm sure he's tough enough to do that.

Okay, and then what is that? Is that wry or is that sarcasm?

I think I managed to pull off both.

Oh! [quietly] Son of a bitch.

Hey. All right, uh, he says, "No go on the bathroom ever again."

He says, "I'm sure you're tough enough to hold it."

And then he did something with his face

and I have no idea what to label it or not label it.

Fine, I'll hold it.

-Charlie, crank up the heat. -Uh...

Okay. And then do I do something with a smile or do I label this?

-Just crank it up. -All right. How far am I going here?

All the way.

Ugh, I'm sick and tired of being on the bottom rung of the ladder around here.

-Tell me about it. -Getting kicked out of the Christmas card?

-Are you kidding me? -Jump spin kick. That's not even clever.

You know what? I doubt that's even what they were gonna do,

but I know that that ladder factored into the card in some way.

But how? We gotta figure out how.

Mm-hmm. I'll tell you how we're gonna do it. I saw a sticker on that ladder.

It came from this hardware store. We're gonna figure out their idea.

We're gonna rip it off and steal it as our own.

-Smart. -[laughs]

Hi there. Excuse me. Can we ask you a couple of questions?

A couple of guys come in here recently, medium height, average build?

-Yeah, they bought a ladder. -Yeah, a ladder.

[clicks tongue] Oh!

Yeah, two guys buying a ladder. How could I forget?

Is that sarcasm? I can't tell.

Yeah, me neither. You gotta label it, pal.

Yeah, look, we're looking for a couple of guys

and we were not given a ton of information, you know?

We're sort of at the bottom rung of our organization, much like yourself.

-Yeah. -Like me?

Cashier at a hardware store.

This is my store. I own it.

-You own this store? -Oh, no shit.

-[Dee whoops] Wow. -Nice.

Congratulations. That's quite an accomplishment.

Hey, you know what? That, um, gives me an idea.

You would then have the authority

to let us pore through your security footage

-so we can find the people... -'Cause you're the owner.

...that we came in here looking for.

Sure. Maybe you wanna look through my books,

you know, and check inventory.

Poke around in the safe.

That's sarcasm, if I'm not being clear.

Nice labeling, dickhead.

-We got it 'cause you labeled it. -Yeah.

Ugh. [stammers] Son of a bitch.

Okay. Apparently, we're gonna have to create some sort of distraction.

What would Mac and Dennis do?

Will you shut up about what Mac and Dennis would do, okay?

We don't need them. We can come up with our own goddamn original idea.

-Now follow me. -I'm following you.

-There he is. There's our big guy. -Oh, God.

-Hey, Cricket. -Come on. What do you want now, huh?

Let me guess, you want something?

Well, we... It's actually... It's something fun for you to do.

-Oh, yeah? -We-We want you to come with us

to a hardware store and create a diversion.

Yeah, make a really big scene.

Frank, Frank, Frank, I don't have to make a scene.

I am the scene, baby.

I walk in any place of business,

people are all over me like flies on crack.

-Do flies like crack? -Well, you tell me,

does a trick always pay full price?

I have no idea.

Well, that... that's a bad example because technically,

I'm at the lower end of the transaction, if we wanna call it that.

And, uh, you know, after everyone takes their cut,

I'm, uh... Well, I'm basically paying in for the pleasure... [chuckling] ...you know?

Which often, hey, don't get me wrong, is very pleasurable.

If you don't enjoy it, they won't pay full price.

-You know, that's- -I never pay full price. Always haggle.

-Who sets the price, 'cause I'm curious? -[Dee] I'll tell you what.

I'm glad we... I'm glad we got to the bottom of some these whoring tips.

-Let's go. -[Cricket] Yeah?

-Okay. Uh, compensation though. -Come on, Cricket.

-Yeah. You'll get paid. -We gotta talk compensation.

And no lemons this time.

All right. Watch me work my magic. [clears throat]

[scatting]

Yo, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You... You can't be in here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking for a showerhead.

-Yeah. We talked about... -Wow. It worked like a charm.

-Let's move. -[Cricket] I'm remodeling, all right?

I have... Own a duplex. I have a tenant.

And I need- I need like, uh...

-[whispering] Goddamn it. It's locked. -What would Mac and Dennis do?

Stop saying that. Hang on a second.

-Hmm. -I got an idea.

[loud thudding]

-[Frank] Ah! -Whoa!

-Shit. Did you see that? -Nice...

-Yeah. -[Dee laughs]

They're not the only ones who know how to use a ladder.

[Frank cackles]

Ah! Maybe that was their card idea.

Bashing a door down with a ladder?

Yeah, with the Christmas sweaters and everything,

wearing that and that in the card.

Well, what would the card say?

"We crash you a merry bash-mas?"

I don't hate it, but I don't think that was their plan.

Okay, let's scrub through this footage. It's gotta be on here somewhere.

Hopefully, Cricket's keeping that guy busy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is 15. We said 20.

Do you want the money or not?

Okay, fine, good haggle.

[person on TV] Don't treat it lightly...

Okay, uh, now that we're all in the same room,

-I'd like to just hash this thing out... -Pause.

-...and... what? -[Dennis sighs]

No talking during JAG. That is a rule.

Another rule. You can have as many vocalizations as you want while paused,

but no more than six per episode.

Okay, why do you have all these rules? What is this?

Because Mac was always commenting on the men's bodies.

No, because Dennis was always commenting on women's physiques

and what he would fix.

Whatever. Either way, a system was devised.

Yeah, a full comment counts as two vocalizations.

Now you can laugh continuously, not excessively.

If you're moved to tears,

you gain an extra laugh or vocalization, so just FYI.

-Moved to tears? What... What is this? -Charlie.

-What are you talking about? -Charlie, Charlie. JAG is...

-a nuanced military procedural... -No.

...combining the legal drama of A Few Good Men

with the thrilling action of Top Gun

[scoffs] You can't just tune out whenever you want to.

[chuckling] Goddamn, it's not NCIS where you could...

NCIS wouldn't even exist without JAG.

-[Dennis] Right? -JAG is the original.

-Yeah. -Resume.

[chattering on TV]

[Dennis, Mac laugh]

Pause! You just laughed right after I laughed.

I laughed first. You heard that, right?

I laugh at that line every single time.

Oh, you laugh at that line every single time? Every single time?

Why don't you explain to us what's so funny about that line?

Well, the captain just came at her aggressively,

and I thought there was something funny about the double entendre.

Okay, fine. That is what's funny about it. You're right.

But I... You didn't even know what an entendre was

until I explained to you what an entendre was.

Why don't you rewind it and then see who laughs first?

-Because I would laugh first. -It's just a laugh.

-No, no. I'm gonna rewind it. -All right, fine.

-I didn't even push play yet. -That's two vocalizations each.

I'm counting it as two vocalizations each.

No, no, no. Because laughter is not a vocalization.

Yeah? Cool. All right, fine, resume, resume it.

-Jesus, learn the rules the first time. -Goddamn it. Goddamn.

-[chattering on TV] -Pause!

-What? What? Why? -[stammers]

Bathroom break for those of us who have one. [chuckles]

Getting a little bit cool and I think we should crank up the heat.

Trial! We're having a trial. We're having a goddamn trial.

[? jovial music]

Goddamn, we've gone through the whole week.

What the hell? Where are they?

-[Frank] Who's that? -That's Cricket.

-What's Cricket doing here? -Hey, buddy. No, no, no.

-No, no. Hey, buddy. - I'll tell you exactly what he's doing.

He's causing a distraction. Goddamn it. So, we didn't have an original idea.

-...ask you to leave again. -Yeah, I'm...

-There they are. -There they are. There they are.

-We were right. There's the ladder. -You know, any of this can...

[Dee] But they're also getting construction hats and coveralls.

Why are they stealing all this stuff?

No paper trail. Oh, they're no dummies.

They knew I would go through their trash to find evidence.

-Of course you would. -These guys are good.

What the hell, Cricket?

Why didn't you tell us you were helping Mac and Dennis steal stuff?

Oh. That information was on a need-to-know basis.

-I didn't think you needed to know. -Okay, well, we do.

Yes, we do. What's the plan, Cricket?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. [chuckles] Slow down here, all right? Payment first.

Huh? How about that? Payment first, bitch.

All right, here.

-One can of paint thinner. -Thank you.

And in case you need to know, this is for getting high.

That we didn't need to know because we already knew.

Obviously. What's their plan?

Two words. Taylor Swift.

Order. Order. Okay, court is now in session.

You'll each have a chance to present your evidence and make your case.

Now, I think we can all agree that we're all very hot,

okay, and our bladders are full.

So let's keep vocalizations to a minimum.

Laughs are allowed, but if sarcastic, will be labeled as such.

Are we in agreement?

-[Dennis] Aye. -[Mac] Aye.

Oh. Very good. Then I have selected Dennis to go first,

only 'cause he's more in my eyeline. You're a little bit off to the side.

-Dennis, you have the floor. Go. -Well... [grunts]

If JAG has taught us anything,

it's that in order to argue your case, you must first establish the record,

and I think you will find, Judge, that the record is crystal clear.

Exhibit A.

Our Christmas card 2021.

As you can see here, I'm rocking some pretty sweet chaps

and I'm also rocking some pretty sweet sideburns.

Mac, however, has no sideburns.

Until the next year when he copied me.

Boom! New card, new theme, same sideburns, different guy.

He copied me. And then the next year, he copied my look.

Observe. A lip bite, controlled, suggestive, a bit coy. [chuckles softly]

Mac's expression...

all veneers.

Until the next year, in one of our best cards ever.

Boom. There it is right there, Judge,

in plain sight, or should I say,

in plain bite?

-That was sarcasm, by the way. -Okay, yeah. You have to label it.

-Again, you have to label it as sarcasm. -I did. I did.

-But there's a little pause... -Too much of a pause.

-...and the pause doesn't help. -I would like to continue moving forward,

-so that we don't lose the thread here. -Carry on.

Okay. The next year, the man stole my IP.

See, the idea for "Pimps and Ho Ho Ho's," that was my idea,

but the next year's card, that was Mac's idea.

"Ho, Ho, Hose."

A blatant rip off of my idea and a blatant misuse of the pun.

It is a misuse of the pun. It doesn't make much sense.

So, as you can see, the record is consistent.

The proof is clear. I innovate.

Mac replicates.

Well... [sighs] ...very persuasive, Mr. Reynolds.

-I think so too. -Now, Mr. McDonald, the floor is yours.

I'd like to respond with the truth.

And the same cards. The man even copies my evidence.

Same evidence. [chuckles softly] Different story.

Now witness, "The Good, The Bad, and The Jolly." Dennis...

sideburns, but the following year?

No sideburns.

[stammers] Wait, hold on. Objection.

Uh, sideburns were not period in the roaring '20s.

That's true. You know, the sideburns were not period in the roaring '20s.

Uh, please explain the lip bite.

I was covering up a cold sore

that I got from playing basketball with an Ecuadorian man.

Objection. There's no known evidence of, uh, herpes

being transmitted through the playing of basketball.

I agree, I'll allow that.

I... received the cold sore meeting an Ecuadorian man

-in an abandoned basketball court. -Oh...

Okay. Well, that's a different story, Mr. McDonald.

So, let's please keep our evidence truthful.

Okay, it was 2:00 a.m. His name was Hector.

He was covered in sores,

-but it was worth it- -Your Honor-

-[Frank] Ha! -Ha!

-[ladder clatters] -Gentlemen.

-Why did you do that? It was open. -Yeah and what are you wearing?

Oh, why? Does it look familiar?

We figured out what the ladder was all about.

There's a Taylor Swift concert tonight.

And you were gonna crash, bash, or climb your way in.

Yeah, there was never any spin kick planned.

You were gonna get a signed picture with Taylor

and write some sort of catchy slogan on it,

-like, um... like- -Taylor Christmas.

Uh... Yeah, it's not very... it's not very catchy,

but we hadn't gotten that far, but it doesn't matter, okay?

'Cause we are gonna steal your idea.

Goddamn, why is it so hot in here, you guys?

-It's sweltering. -Yeah, well, hang on. Hang on a second.

You guys were gonna do a Christmas card without me?

-No. No. She's lying, dude. -No. No. Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm lying? I got evidence.

I got a case, and we're gonna lay it all out right here with a trial.

No, no, no... Dee, we just had... we just had a trial.

-I can't do another trial. -I can't hold it. I gotta pee.

-I gotta turn down the heat! -Pau... Pause!

-You guys are faking? -You copied my faking.

No, I... I got the idea to fake from an episode of JAG.

Guys, why would you do this?

-I didn't wanna lose the race. -I didn't wanna lose the race. Oh.

Guys, don't you see what's happening here, you know what I mean?

All this need to, like, take credit for whose idea was what,

and not filling each other in on our plans.

It's putting us all at the bottom rung of the ladder.

-[Dee scoffs] Yeah. -You know?

And you know who's at the top of the ladder looking down on us?

-Jesus. -I knew you were gonna say that.

No. It's Schmitty. It's Schmitty. He's looking down on us.

But the point is that, like, Schmitty's always gonna be topping us

when we're putting each other on a need-to-know basis, okay?

So, can we just team up on this thing? You know, get together on this?

Dennis, what was the plan with the ladder?

[sighs] All right, fine. Well, the first thing you guys need to know

is that you don't climb the ladder, you carry it.

-Wait, what do you mean? -Well... Okay.

Mac and I came up with a theory together

that two men carrying a ladder would be granted access anywhere.

So, we decided to test that theory out at the Linc...

at an Eagles game.

At a Monster Truck Jam.

Turns out there's something about two men carrying a ladder

that just allows you access to anything.

And it worked over and over and over again.

They assume you're there to work, and they let you pass right through.

Two men with a ladder can get in anywhere.

So, that's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna suit up, we're gonna grab our ladder,

and we are gonna walk right into that Taylor Swift concert,

and nobody is gonna stop us.

[? rousing music playing]

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -[? music stops]

What are you people doing with this ladder?

[? jovial music]

You know, two people carrying a ladder, that makes sense,

but four men and a useless chick, that's suspicious.

It doesn't make any sense, you know,

and that's why everybody's on a-need-to-know basis. That is why.

Whose idea was the ladder anyway?

-Oh, that was actually my- -Mine, of course.

-Are you serious? -It was my idea.

-So most definitely my idea. -Mac, are you kidding me with this?

-It was... Oh! -Maybe we should have another trial.

-I can do a race. -Well, let's go. Let's race.

-What? Oh, my God. -Son of a bitch.

Well, no point in racing, or trials, or any of that shit

'cause we're not going to beat Schmitty's card this year.

He got to the idea first.

-He took a picture with Taylor? -No, even better.

[all] Oh.

-That is... That's awesome. -There's no way you can beat that slogan.

-[Dennis] Yeah. -[Dee] Yeah.

-[Charlie] That's as cool as it gets. -[Dee] Look at that.

[? "Temptation Sensation" playing]

[? song ends]

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