Original subtitles

I might have a bit of a drug problem.

And we have a bit of a drink problem.

Wesley wants Grinner. We want Maurice.

It's a straightforward swap.

He's fucking gone! This is your chance.

I'll give yous half of it. What do you think?

I don't trust him either.

Time to dig.

Can we put it in there on top of him.

Well, there's no one there now. You're not gonna shoot me.

I'll do it then.

Poor old Toby.

He was with our family all his life.

Providing a grave for his mortal remains is the least one can do.

One does what one can.

So there isn't anyone else going in on top of him now?

Poor chap was a foundling.

No wife, no children, no next of kin to speak of.

Your treasure will be perfectly safe here.

And he wouldn't mind, would he?

Well... He lived to serve.

Here you go.

Dig.

Oh.

Surely, surely it's deep enough now.

I'm not built for this sort of...

...ghastly business.

What's the story with your man?

Was he in the army or something?

Good God, no.

He was our ghillie.

You know, fishing, deer stalking, that sort of thing.

Help me out of here, old boy.

Oh, very funny.

Very droll.

Get me out of here, if you wouldn't mind.

Now that sounds like you're giving me an order,

Your Lordship.

No.

In fact, no, no.

Absolutely not.

'Cause it's a long time since youse English had the run

of this place, you know?

Lording it over us.

What if I left you in that hole with your buddy there?

I'm the only one knows where all the gold, chalices,

and thuribles is buried.

What do you think about that?

Please.

I beg you.

Well, that doesn't look like any kind of begging I've ever seen,

'cause you're still on your hind legs.

Yes.

I beseech you on my life.

On the souls of my ancestors, spare me.

You are a slippery fucker, Fitzgibbon.

You know that?

You would sell your own mother for a bowl of gruel.

Now, when we're done here, I'm going away for a while.

I don't know for how long, but you steal my shit,

I'll come back and I'll gut you.

Yes, sir.

♪ Clare Sands "Carry My Song"

♪ I am nowhere But home by the sea.

♪ Le na iascaire, agus a bhriongl id

♪ Whispering my secrets, embracing thee.

♪ Oh, carry my song Across the sea.

Jesus Christ! Take it easy, woman!

You're gonna hit me! Like I give a fuck.

You're such a fucking prick, Grinner.

Leading us on this wild goose chase.

I had so many plans.

What plans?

Like, like I wanted to get a yacht or any kind of boat, really.

Normal stuff.

Like, like I, like I wanted to buy a mountain of that

Charlotte Tilbury, the makeup.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Jesus!

I want no more of your shenanigans.

Do you hear me? For fuck's sake!

If you've been fucking with us this whole time

and there was never any treasure, if that's the case...

It was here. You have to believe me.

You have to believe me.

I think he's telling the truth.

Yeah, I believe ya.

I was robbed.

I was betrayed.

That's kind of ironic, I suppose, isn't it?

I know who's got it, because all of this land here,

all of this, all belongs to Lord and Lady Fitz-fucking-Gibbon.

Where the treasure was found.

The Fitzgibbons were in on it?

They were and all, yeah. They got Wesley to rob it?

You said it.

And then you took it back to the scene of the crime?

To their own private graveyard.

Because no one had ever think to look there.

And now his lordship stabbed me in the back.

He must think I'm dead.

Come on, come on, we need to get going.

Where?

To catch some aristocrats.

Fuck it, like.

What?

What choice do we have?

Right.

Shit.

They have Grinner

and they're going after the treasure on their own.

The bastards!

The lying conniving fucking bastards!!

And, uh, they took your car.

Took?

Well, stole, I suppose you could say.

Fuck them anyway!

If I ever get my hands on them, I'll fucking... Wait!

Oh, hang on.

What? This is great news.

Oh yes, this is great news altogether.

Why?

I found my fucking car.

Little pig, little pig, let me in, let me in,

or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your door in.

Looks like they're away.

They won't be back till Monday.

He could have tried the bleedin' front door first.

Welcome to my crib.

Right, let's find this fucking treasure.

Oh for fu... how many fucking cables?

Anything? Nope.

Looks like you found something anyways.

There's fuck all here, like.

Now what?

Grinner.

As soon as these fucks are back, we're gonna be here

waiting for them.

What if they don't have the treasure?

Grinner?

What?

I don't want to talk about it.

Come on, what is it?

It's fucked. It's all fucked.

It's not fucked. It is.

It's not. I'm not arguing with you, Paul.

We've no treasure, and if we gave up now,

we've nothing to go back to, do we?

Do we?

So yeah, it's all fucked.

I just don't see the point in driving like a fucking maniac.

Look, we know where they are, we have them on the iPhone.

It's called Find My Car, Bunny, and that's fuck-all use to me

if they abandoned my car.

Why would they abandon your car? I don't know, sure.

How is it that I'm driving a winne-fuckin'-bago?

Slow the fuck down, would ya?

You're gonna blow the engine.

I have news for you, Bunny Ryan.

I'm not letting anyone kill my Maurice.

Nobody's gonna kill Maurice

Sure, don't they need him if they want to swap for Grinner?

Yeah, but we don't actually have Grinner, do we?

If we don't get him back, then Poor Maurice is as good as dead.

Jesus Christ, woman!

I fuckin' told ya!

Are you gonna die, mister?

Do you want a sweet?

Say 'peas'.

It's cheese. It's peas.

Do you want to light a candle? Aldo Jr.'s son.

Aye.

Okay, like this.

You light one off the other.

Give me fucking patience.

Do you want to say a prayer for your dad, son?

There's a funny smell, that is.

What is it?

That's the incense.

What's it for?

Well, there used... Who's your man?

That is Saint Anthony.

He'll look after me, Dad, won't he?

In heaven, like?

He will, yeah.

Is that what you're praying for, Uncle Wes?

For me, Dad?

It is.

That and other things.

What other things?

Saint Anthony is the patron saint of lost things.

Like the treasure?

Yeah.

And the book?

The holy book.

Waldo Jr.'s son.

The holy book.

Yeah, the holy book.

And he'll help us find it, will he, Saint Anthony?

Yeah, he will.

And what about the treasure?

I don't give a bollocks about the treasure.

All I care about is the holy book.

You said a bad word, Uncle.

I know.

In a church like, in Holy God's house?

I shouldn't have. You said bollocks.

I'll say an act of contrition.

You said bollocks. I know.

I know what I said.

You can't go around saying bollocks in holy God's house.

It's a bad word, so it is, bollocks.

God's not gonna be very happy if you're going around saying it.

That's enough now, Waldo.

Bollocks. Enough.

Sorry.

Finish your prayer.

Right, what have you got for me?

Ah, nothing yet.

Well, what about facial recognition?

I mean, can't you download an app and find them?

We've got all this technology. Driverless cars, robotic dogs,

ski slopes in Saudi, spaceships to Mars,

life-size talking dolls

that you can actually fuck anywhich way you want.

What? Nothing.

We are on the precipice of a technological catastrophe,

the end of the world as we know it,

and you can't find two hairless cartoon cocks.

Uncle Wes... Not now.

For fuck's sake, Junior.

Where was that taken?

At the traffic light.

At the traffic...

That car looks familiar, old man.

Now, isn't that the car that I got you for your wife?

That car has a tracker.

Shouldn't be too hard to find Marion now.

Are you still sulking like a big baby?

We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.

And that's my fault, is it?

Well, it's not my fault either, is it?

Is this smart, going back to the caravan?

Well, if you have any better ideas, I'm all ears.

I don't suppose there's any point in hitching, is there?

No.

Grinner's gone.

Do you not think we should try and find him, no?

I don't care at this stage.

I'm cold and I have a crick in my neck.

What's the point in having a castle if it's so fucking cold?

That's why they do have the fur coats.

It's Gitsy.

Yeah, go on, answer it then.

Gitsy, it's a bad time, bro.

Ma Baker's doin' her bleeding nut in, so she is.

Fuck Ma Baker.

Paul, you owe her. You need to pay her back.

I have a big score going down I can pay her back then.

What kind of score?

Well, obviously I can't bleedin' and tell you, can I?

But it's big.

Where are you now?

Fuck knows.

Somewhere in the back ass of Wicklow.

What are you doing? What?

What are you telling him for?

He's somewhere in Wicklow.

Didn't I hear himself explain himself?

Ma, what do you think? Does the blue suit me?

That suits you right enough, love.

Yeah, do you know, that boyfriend of yours, he will

rue the day he ever dumped you.

He didn't dump me, Ma.

I dumped him after what he done to me.

I loved him, Ma.

He was the one, Ma, for real.

Yeah, you know, Britney, you've said this before,

like a few times, like. This is different.

What about Curly Watson in the sweet shop?

Oh, that was only... I don't know, mad in the head.

How's about Jimmy B and the fence?

That was only physical, Ma.

This was something different.

Gary was my true love and he broke my heart.

I hate him.

I want to kill him, so I do.

Smash him to pieces.

Murder him.

That'll teach him.

All in good time, love.

Save that rage.

Hmm.

Bottle it.

You wanna put the kettle on there for me, love?

Okay.

You're not gonna scald me flute, are ya, Ma Baker?

I'm gonna have a cup of tea is what I'm gonna do.

I'm not gonna near that dirty little thing of yours.

Because me and you and Britney,

we're all gonna take a nice little drive down to Wicklow.

And find your old pal.

And if you play your cards right,

there might be a little reward in it for you.

A reward for me?

Oh yeah.

What kind of reward?

Well, if you behave yourself, I might let you keep your flute.

I used to have problems myself with intimacy, you know.

Yeah?

I think intimacy is meant to be all about honesty.

Like, knowing what you like and being able to tell somebody.

Like, what do you like?

Like, sexually?

I like...

I mean, the usual stuff.

I know, but everybody says that.

Like, what was your earliest sexual memory?

I don't know.

I just like girls, you know?

Like, it might have been something that you'd be embarrassed about,

like maybe wanting to have sex with one of your teachers or...

Not at my school.

They were all bleedin' geebags.

A sexual fantasy doesn't have to make sense.

I don't know.

This country is so fucked.

None of us are even Catholic anymore, and we're all still

fucked in the head from it.

Ah, alright That was one time.

It's embarrassing, but...

I won't judge.

When I lived with my nanny.

And?

She had a cat.

What? You're joking me.

I thought you said you weren't gonna fucking judge me.

I'm not, no, I'm not, I'm not, sorry.

Just when you said cat, I wasn't expec...

I mean, it's fine and everything.

Well, it's not that, you didn't...?

Mom, fuck off, course not.

Sorry, again, no judgment.

I'm not a blatant pervert. I know you're not.

Whatever it is, I don't care.

Alright.

I was only a kid, now.

I was about twelve or thirteen, and I was in me nanny's

at the kitchen table doing me homework.

Well, pretending to anyways.

And the cat comes over looking for food or attention, whatever.

She was annoying me.

And I put me hand out to push her away, and she licked me hand.

There.

Here. Yeah, it's weird, I know.

I'm embarrassed.

Don't be, it's not weird.

Yeah.

And all this time, have you longed for someone

to lick you like a cat?

Yeah.

Look what Daddy found.

Ew. What the fuck, man?

I'm not going to kill youse if that's what youse are thinking.

What?

No, why would we think that?

That's exactly what we were thinking.

If all we've got is this yoke and your shitty little pistol

with no ammo, then we're dead meat.

Come on, let's go and get tooled up.

Just to clarify, what do you mean by all tooled up?

It means I'm not going to stand around too long in the same place

scratching me bollocks, because Wesley Swanson will find us.

He'll find a way.

You can get anything in here, and I mean anything.

What, you got Hula Hoops?

I’d murder a pint. is the horseman in?

Is the horse man in?

Chick? Who else would I be talking about?

Inside.

Tell him I'll see him at 6 o'clock, okay?

Chick!

I'll see you later, okay.

You've been away, Grinner.

Must have been something serious enough to keep you quiet.

That's a bottle of whiskey story.

I miss the smell of this stuff.

Your health, Gringo.

Have you got money, Grinner?

Money makes the world go round.

Oh yeah.

I do.

Loads of money.

Would you like to give Teddy a drink?

Like a car bomb.

He is a horse after my own heart.

How you doing, Teddy?

You've been away a long time, Grinner.

We all thought you were dead.

I was dead.

But you come back for more.

Like the Lord himself.

A resurrection, huh? Back from the dead.

What you looking for?

Guns and ammo?

All of the above.

What about a little pick-me-up for a start?

Madam. Help yourself, ma'am.

You can have mine. Really?

Thanks.

So what about the money?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, yous go and get the money.

Us?

What, are yous, deaf?

How much money? Enough for the drug.

The drink, the guns, and any extra.

Okay.

I, uh... I have an old bazooka as well

out the back, if that's any use.

Where are we supposed to get money?

Well, wait a sec, maybe we could rob that digger.

What? Why?

We could use one to rob a bank.

You serious?

Yeah, I saw a video on TikTok of someone using one to rob a bank,

ripped the ATM right out of the wall.

Absolutely not, I'm trying to get away from all that shite.

It's bad news.

Guess, we’ll have to think of something else, then.

There she is now.

Don't talk to me.

Queer looking thing.

Duck lamp.

Lamp in the shape of a duck.

It was her mother's.

Bunny... Bunny! I got this, I got this.

Whoa, whoa, relax now. Don't want to do anything stupid.

Come on.

What's going on here?

Paul Mescal look-alike contest.

It's a sign.

Nah, I don't think so.

I think I prefer to rob a bank.

Ah, come on, what have you got to lose?

My dignity.

I'm really not feeling this shit. I think you're a shoe in.

Ooh, Sorry.

Would you watch where you're going?

You watch where you're going.

Young women these days, they have no manners.

That's half the problem.

Oh, fuck up your mout'.

I got another one for you.

Ah, stop.

You can't enter unless you're togged out in football shorts.

Well, he doesn't have any shorts.

All right, you can borrow a pair on the back.

Is he...

Are you crying?

It's totally fair, like, if you are.

Killing the fella, the shock of it.

Do you want to let go of that?

Thank you, bitches!

I love you all!

And now to the main event of the evening.

Please make some noise for our sexy, Paul Mescal!

Oh my, just look at those legs!

Check them out!

Pasty and Irish has never looked so good!

They're not normal people, they're hot people!

Yeah!

Right, let's put these boys to their paces!

Anyway... I mean, anyway...

Uh-uh, hold up, high.

Not that one there.

Yeah? Why not? That's horse Viagra, so it is.

Horse Viagra?

You heard me the first time.

It's experimental-like.

Can be a bit hit and miss.

But if I get the formula right, I'm on to a winner.

Horses need Viagra?

They do indeed. Indeed they do.

They get the nerves like any other man in Christendom.

Teddy here just gets shy around the ladies sometimes.

Don't you, Teddy?

It's never been tested on humans, mind.

I wouldn't advise it.

It fair packs a punch.

Whoa...

Hmm.

All right, let's get out our numero siete.

Number Seven!

Yeeeaaaahh!

Mmm, slap an eleven onto that and I'd stay open all hours.

Okay, show us what you've got!

Hmm?

Hands in pockets.

Oh, he is giving so much realness.

Yes, yes, let me hear what you think of this realness, bitches.

Oh, oh, he is serving arms, he is serving blue steel.

He is serving boy next door!

Brilliant.

But it's not official.

Till we hear what our judges have to say.

Hmm.

Ooh!

Yeah!

Oh my god! Oh my god!

Boo!

Boo. Boo.

No craic.

Right, number 8, up your card.

Prick.

So petty-like. Not giving it to you

just because we had a row with him.

Wasn't that more a row with you?

I think you forgot your trousers.

Bollocks. Do you want to go back?

Fuck it, just leave it.

What are we gonna do for money?

Look, it's that prick judge.

It's his bank.

It even has an ATM.

What do you think?

This horse Viagra is bleeding muck.

Didn't I tell you it was experimental.

Nothing's happening.

All right, Teddy, all right.

Alright, I'll chop you out a cuntin’ line now

if you stop annoying me, aye?

Good lad.

He understands you.

Of course he understands me. Why wouldn't he?

All right, Teddy, all right.

You've been a very patient boy all evening.

There's a good lad.

There you go, Tedds.

Now you're cooking.

There's a good horsey. Whoa!

Fuck!

You all right there, Grinner? No!

Fuck! Aargh...

I'm in fucking agony here!

Hmm, looks like she's kicking in now, alright.

Make it stop!

Make it fucking stop!

Get me a get me a fucking brazer or something, will you?

Brazer would be no good to you now.

We wouldn't have the time to organize it anyway.

What am I gonna do?

Well, you were going to take the edge of it.

How, I don't know.

Soon as you can, or you'll end up in A&E,

or fucking worse, six foot under.

With a separate coffin beside you for your fucking lad, hey?

Aargh!

Aaargh!

Kitty, what's the story? Come here.

How do we rob a digger?

What? A digger.

You know, the big bleedin', the yellow yokes?

Yeah, send us a photo of it then and I'll see what he can do.

Bye.

Gitsy's gonna send us a video on how to rob one now.

Seriously?

Yeah.

How are you fixed there, Grinner?

Are you getting any satisfaction at all?

Yeah, that doesn't help, you out there talking to me.

Oh, well... Fuck!

I'll keep me mouth shut so.

Put your back into it best you can.

Keep at it, as the fella says.

I, uh, have an old photo of Sophia Loren

in a magazine out the back, if that's any use to you.

This isn't gonna work.

What am I gonna do, Chick?

How am I gonna get this to go down?

Well...

There might be a way, but, uh...

I've never done it on a human.

Yeah, that'll be enough to find him.

Britney, phone up there and find out where that yoke's registered.

No, ma.

All you have to do is you save it,

open it in your photos, swipe, and you get the metadata.

The what?

The metadata, Ma. The what?

The metadata.

The metadata I'm not bleeding saying it again.

He's here.

That's only 10 minutes away.

I know what you're playing at, Gitsy.

You're driving nice and slow, aren't you?

So he might have a fighting chance of getting away.

Well, if you don't put that boot down,

I'll batter you to fucking bits!

The fuck?

You're not putting that up me hoop, are you?

Nah, only just have to milk ya.

Right.

You ready? Hit it.

♪ You say he asked last night

♪ How I was getting on...

This is brilliant.

♪ I hope you told him that I'm doing fine

♪ I hope you told him how I go out having fun

♪ And time has healed the hurt...

What the fuck are you looking at?

Don't mind, Teddy.

I'm really gonna tear it up now.

You think you can handle a glove?

Yeah, go on, go for it.

That's it.

That's it, boy.

You're doing great.

You're flying.

No bother to ya at all.

You're in the final furlong.

Hmm.

Oh yep, that's the job.

One last jump and you're home.

♪ Just tell him that I've found someone...

Oh my fucking God.

♪ To take his place

♪ A boy who saves his kisses just for me.

♪ You'll never see a teardrop rolling down my face.

♪ I'm still the happy girl I used to be.

♪ There's just a trace of...

Come on now, Grinner. Concentrate

What's going on over there?

I think Grinner's getting wanked off by the horseman.

I could be wrong though.

Well, that is what it looks like, all right.

This night couldn't get any weirder.

Oh my god!

Holy fucking shit. Fucking hell.

Heehee!!

Here, pull in for a second, I need to go for a wee.

What?

Hurry.

Right.

The body's still in the toilet.

Just go by the side of the road.

No, what are we gonna do about the body?

We'll figure something out.

Jesus.

20, 40, 60, 80, 100.

Where's Grinner?

Man's gone to get himself cleaned up.

Oh, I see youse have money.

I like money.

We need to get rid of that digger.

Will you load up the car with the gear?

Okay, won't be long.

What are you doing?

Just a wee bit of adding and subtracting.

Mostly subtracting.

Subtracting?

For what?

Well, the drink, the drugs, a few extras.

Yous had a fair aul whelt of the white, if I recall?

So what do we get for our money?

That's all?

Well, you did eat me out of house and home.

Sure, this yoke looks banjaxed. Does it even work?

Maybe.

Okay.

It's worth about the same as a bag of white.

Fuck it anyway.

He's all set now.

I don't wanna know.

Take 2 of these on the hour, every hour.

Should keep everything nice and calm.

But on the off chance that the pills don't work,

you'll need this.

What the fuck is that?

I call it the cock blade.

Only to be used in emergencies.

All else fails, 'Tkkk...' let the air out of the tire.

Goodbye.

Thanks.

Oh.

As a dog returneth to his vomit.

So a fool returneth to his folly.

What's that?

That is the estate

Where the treasure was first found.

Grinner must have came back.

Are we gonna catch the baddies, Uncle Wes?

Yeah.

Yes, we are.

Where is he? He's come back now.

He needs to hurry up.

We need to get back and prepare for war.

Come on, Paul.

Gitsy? Sorry, bro.

Fuck Ma Baker?

Is that what I heard you say?

Back the fuck away, bitch.

You know what the best strategy in a war is, Waldo Junior, son?

What is it, Uncle Will?