Original subtitles

-[man] I don't have custody

of the kids.

-[man #2] Yeah.

- I don't get custody.

-[woman] You know what? It is

an pathetic joke,

- what I've had to go through.

- But rght now,

she doesn't know

- where the kids are.

- Do not talk about me

as a mother.

- Are they at home?

- I'm sick of you talking

about me as a mother

- and what I've done wrong!

- They're probably at

a firehouse.

I am sick of you accusing me

of not being a good mother!

-Are they at home?

-Seven years I've been

-a good mother!

-I can't have custody.

-Remember when

we went out, how you--

-Right now. Where is Tim

-right now?

-Don't you talk about me

being a mother. I hate you!

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you just

kiss my left nut?

-I told you this

was a bad idea.

-[Jeremy] You know what, Ken?

The bad idea would be

to let your client

walk outta here today

and drag this thing out for

another year, wasting more time

and wasting more money.

The only good idea is to let me

and John do our job and mediate

this thing right here.

You wanna hear the crazy thing?

I know it doesn't feel like it,

but we're making progress.

-[Jeremy] Mm-hmm.

-We settled the deal

with the cars.

Let's see, that takes

us to frequent flyer miles.

We're flying!

-[husband]

Those are mine.

-I want them.

You know what?

We're gonna split 'em right

down the middle.

-How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?

-It would be not-- not good at

all! I earned those miles!

-Yeah, you earned them flying

to Denver to meet your whore.

-Oh, Lord.

She's not afraid to

express herself sexually

if that's what you mean.

-She's a stripper,

for God's sake!

-She is not!

Her name is Chastity!

She is white trash!

Same as you.

Hillbilly!

That's it,

go comatose for me, baby.

You shut your mouth when

you're talkin' to me!

Hold it. This is

getting confusing.

You didn't always

hate each other.

There had to be some

nice moments, during

the courtship, maybe?

-Or the wedding?

-The wedding had to be fun!

-You have

your families together.

-You have your decorations.

Families coming together.

That's a nice moment.

What'd you have to eat?

-Crab cakes.

-Are you kidding me?

-How could you not have

a good time eating crab cakes?

-I love crab cakes.

I love 'em.

They're phenomenal.

-Did you have a band?

-Yeah.

-[John] Good or bad?

-It's a great band,

it's a bad band,

it's like pizza, baby.

It's good no matter what.

-There's music in the air!

-They're playing Shout

and you hate it.

-Yeah. ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-hey ♪

- ♪ A little bit softer now

oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

-♪ Shout now, jump up

and shout now ♪

-♪ Hey! ♪

-[Jeremy] It's a good time.

-[John] Yeah.

Rubbin' up against each other,

just a couple of kids

who like to fuck, trying to

make it honest. I get it.

Guys, the real enemy here is

the institution of marriage.

It's not realistic,

it's crazy!

Don't do this for the

other person. It's about

saying yes to yourself

-and saying yes

to your future.

-Say yes.

And have some opportunities

for yourself. I'm sure

you'd love to be free,

maybe go out and meet some

Latin guy that can dance,

grind up on you,

make you feel dangerous

but also safe.

And how about you?

Don't you want to

get inside Chastity

without having to wonder

if everyone's gonna find out?

-[John] God, wouldn't

that be sweet?

-[Jeremy] Wouldn't that be nice?

And have some Latin guy

sweating all over you,

talking to you in languages

you don't understand,

-needing you,

wanting you, taking you?

-All we're trying to say is,

put your swords away

for a second.

Let's finish this

and let's move on.

Get out there and get

some strange ass.

Could you give her a glass

of water so she can take that?

Hey, John, that's weird.

That glass looks

half full to me.

Wow, now that

you mention it,

it is half full.

He can have the miles.

Nah, sweetie,

you take the miles.

Great. Great!

Let's sign the paperwork

and we are done!

This is just semantics.

If you guys want to throw

a couple miles at us,

we'll take a couple.

The big thing is, is that

we're all movin' on.

Could you two just

not talk anymore?

[singing a capella]

-Oh, good, you got it.

Is it 100% goose down?

-Yes.

-Are you sure?

-Why do you need this?

I sleep over at John's house

every year for his birthday.

Okay, that's not creepy.

I guess it is

a little creepy

when a young man

who happens to be

an only child

loses both of his parents

in a tragic accident

-one month

before his birthday...

-[woman sighs]

...and then has

a best friend make a vow

that he will never spend

his birthday alone again.

Maybe that would fall under

the category of creepy.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

-That's okay.

-No, you're really sweet.

I've got the perfect

girl for you.

Janice, I apologize to you

if I don't seem real eager

to jump into a forced,

awkward intimate situation

that people

like to call dating.

I don't like the feeling.

You're sitting there,

you're wondering, "Do I

have food on my face?

Am I eating? Am I talking

too much? Are they talking

enough? Am I interested?

I'm not really interested.

Should I play interested?

I'm not that

interested, but I think

she might be interested.

Do I want to be interested?

But now she's not interested."

So now, all of sudden I'm--

I'm starting to get interested.

And when am I supposed

to kiss her? Do I have to

wait for the door?

'Cause then it's awkward,

it's like "Well, good night."

Do you do like, the ass-out hug?

Where you like-- you hug each

other like this,

and the ass sticks out

because you're trying

not to get too close.

Do you just go right in

and just kiss 'em on the lips

or don't kiss 'em at all?

It's very difficult trying

to read the situation

and all the while

you're just really wondering,

"Are we gonna get hopped enough

to make some bad decisions?"

And perhaps play a little

game called "Just the Tip."

Just for a second,

just to see how it feels,

-or "Ouch, Ouch,

You're on My Hair."

-Okay.

Okay, can-- can you--

can you put that so he--

he can't see it?

And thank you.

Hey, Janice. Great talk.

-[car honking]

-[intercom beeps]

-John?

-Yeah?

I gotta see

you right away,

it's important.

What's going on?

We've got three really

big weeks ahead of us.

It's wedding season, kid!

You sandbagging

son of a bitch!

I got us down

for 17 of 'em already.

-Okay, now, how many

of 'em are cash bars?

-Great question,

love where your head's at,

and two of 'em actually are.

But... I got us covered.

-Purple hearts. We won't have

to pay for a drink all night.

-Oh yeah, perfect.

We are gonna have tons

and tons of opportunities

to meet gorgeous ladies

that are so aroused

by the thought of marriage,

that they'll throw their

inhibitions to the wind.

And who's gonna be there

to catch 'em?

Grab that net and catch that

beautiful butterfly, pal!

What do you like better?

Christmas or wedding season?

-Mr. Grey.

-Yes, um, the answer

would be, um...

-wedding season?

-Bingo.

I'm gonna go get my suit.

Oh, now who are we this time?

[chattering]

Hey, Lou Epstein,

I want you to meet a real

mensch, Chuck Schwartz.

Oh, stop.

And as we carry on

the tradition of thousands

of years,

we honor the eternal bond

that stretches

through the ages.

I have known this couple

for many years.

Deborah I've actually known

for her entire life.

I was at her house

when her parents brought

her home from the hospital,

and I was there

the day she graduated

from medical school.

Josh I have known

since his bar mitzvah,

which those of you

who were there

know it was not

a very pretty sight.

But he has pulled himself

together nicely

and has grown

into a remarkable

young man himself.

-[whispers] Okay.

-He never got the courage

to ask her out,

until 10 years later.

Josh was in the

emergency room,

and he saw Debra again

-and he said to himself...

-[whispers] Hi.

"Wait! That's the girl

I'm going to marry!"

-I now pronounce you

man and wife.

-[glass shatters]

[all]

Mazel tov!

Mazel tov, baby!

From my family to yours,

mazel tov. Beautiful.

[band playing

Hava Nagila ]

♪ Hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila,

ba ba ba! ♪

[all laughing]

Oh, my...

You sly son of a bitch.

-[screams]

-♪ Nagila, hava nagila

ve'nismecha ♪

♪ Hava nagila, hava... ♪

Does anyone know what

this here is used for?

-Rolling a fatty.

-No, not-- not for--

Where'd you learn that?

You want to get

a whole combination.

You gotta get

the frostings in the middle

and on the other end.

-♪ Ba-ba ba ba ♪

-That's it, that's it,

that's it, that's it!

Come on!

[John]

You both look beautiful

up there today,

particularly Debbie

in that white dress.

Enjoy it.

After tomorrow, I don't think

you're gonna be able to get away

with wearing a white dress.

-[crowd laughing]

-Here, I'll just

pick this off,

I'll go grab

another piece. That's it.

-[kids] Ooh!

-Whoa.

In the words of

the old country...

- L'chaim!

-[all] L'chaim!

[jazz music playing]

[whispers]

Come here!

I want you to take this note,

bring it to that blonde girl.

Hurry, 'cause I'm

gonna time you. Go!

Hi.

Who gave this to you?

♪ Oh, love ♪

You know, I saw you

at the wedding.

-And?

-You were crying.

Oh, shit. You weren't

supposed to see that.

Now you probably think

I'm a big pussy.

No, you were so sweet.

Come here.

Look, I knew

I was never gonna be

a professional bullfighter,

-but that's

not why I did it.

-Weren't you scared?

Can I say yes?

[rock music playing]

-Sanjay Collins.

-Chuck Vindaloo,

excited to be here.

-Shamus O'Toole.

-Bobby O'Shea.

-And we're gonna

get drunk.

-Ha-ha!

♪ Keep it comin', love,

keep it comin', love... ♪

-Who is that?

-Uh, him.

Uh, I think that's

his kid Leonard.

The diabetic.

-Who is that?

-That's Luigi and Gina's

son Christopher.

You know, the banker.

Oh, that's Mae Lin's

adopted son Benny,

the veterinarian.

The French foreign legion?

Yeah. We lost a lot

of good men out there.

Wow, really?

Mount Everest?

I just don't like to talk

about it because we lost so

many good men out there.

Oh!

Lost so many

good men out there.

Playing with

the Yankees?

Yes, with the Yankees.

You lose good men

to trades and unruly fans.

I-- Look, I don't want

to talk about it, I'm sorry.

[chattering]

Tattoo on the lower back.

Might as well be

a bullseye.

You know how they say

we only use 10%

of our brains?

-Mm-hmm.

-I think we only use

10% of our hearts.

I feel so tiny

in your arms.

Really?

How tall are you?

I'm 6'5", but...

I feel like

I'm four feet.

And some poetry,

courtesy

of Sarah McLachlan.

♪ You've been

so good to me ♪

♪ You know you

make me wanna ♪

♪ Shout! Kick my

heels up and, whoo! ♪

♪ Shout! Throw my head

back and shout! Whoo! ♪

- ♪ Kick my heels up

and shout! ♪

-[all] Yeah!

-♪ Come on now,

take it easy ♪

-♪ Shout! Shout! ♪

-♪ Take it easy! Shout! ♪

-♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

- ♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

- ♪ All right ♪

- ♪ Shout! Shout! ♪

- ♪ All right ♪

- ♪ Shout! Shout! Shout! ♪

- ♪ All right! All right! ♪

-The bride!

- ♪ Now, wait a minute... ♪

All right let's go,

let's go, let's make a memory!

What are you gonna

do for an encore?

Walk on water?

Great guy,

he brung me along too.

♪ Yeah-yeah,

yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah ♪

- ♪ Woo! Now that I got--♪

-Jesus. Come on!

Get in there.

-[John] Come on! Get in there!

-Come on! You're ruining it.

What, you want that cake?

You don't treat cake

like that. You gotta

-treat cake like a lady.

-Give her a kiss.

Look at that.

Oh, my God,

in front of all of 'em!

Ba ba ba.

Ah-ha-ha! Ooh-hoo!

And then everyone

said, "Jabroni!"

[all laughing]

Jabroni!

This fucking guy,

unbelievable!

-Hop in!

-[applause]

Now spread it around

on each other.

We need a picture of this.

They're crazy!

Bacio! Bacio!

Time to party!

Time to party!

Come on,

we need a picture.

Get a picture. Get a picture.

♪ You've been so good to me,

you know you make me

want to shout! ♪

♪ Lift my heels up

and shout! Whoo! ♪

♪ Whoo! Throw my head

back and shout! ♪

♪ Kick my heels up and shout!

Come on now! Whoo! Whoo! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

- ♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

-Ooh.

-Hot.

- ♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Hey-ay-ay-ay! ♪

♪ Shout!

Now jump up and shout! ♪

♪ Now jump up

and shout now! ♪

♪ Jump up and shout now ♪

♪ Jump up

and shout now ♪

♪ Jump up and shout now ♪

♪ Everybody shout now,

everybody shout now ♪

♪ Everybody shout,

shout, shout, shout,

shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout,

shout, shout, shout ♪

- ♪ Oh! ♪

- ♪ Shout, shout, shout,

sshout, shout, shout, shout♪

hout,

♪ Shout, shout, shout,

oh, shout ♪

♪ Whoa! Shout! ♪

♪ Oh! Shout, shout,

shout, shout! ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout,

shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout, shout,

shout, shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout, shout,

shout, shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Oh! Shout!

Come on ♪

♪ Come on and shout!

Shout, shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout, shout,

shout, shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout, shout,

shout, shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout, shout,

shout, shout, shout, shout ♪

[giggling]

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sarah, I feel like

I don't even know you.

It's Vivian.

[sighs]

Would you say you're

completely full of shit

or just 50%?

I hope just 50,

but who knows?

Ah.

Bet that blonde was

a real shot of life.

Yeah, real shot.

You don't think

we're being...

I don't want to say

sleazy, 'cause that's

not the right word,

but a little

irresponsible? I mean...

No!

One day, you'll look back

on all this and laugh,

say we were

young and stupid.

[chuckles]

A couple of dumb kids

running around.

We're not that young.

Hell of a season, pal.

Hell of a season.

Oh! Baba ganoush.

What do we got?

Christmas come early.

-[John] Secretary Cleary?

-The Secretary of the Treasury.

The guy you loved

since business school.

Don't thank me.

I don't know.

I mean, I thought

the season was over.

I was looking forward

to kinda taking a break

for a little bit.

John, what are you

talking about?

This is

the Kentucky Derby

of weddings.

It's the Clearys.

They're an American institution.

Pal, there's gonna be

over 200 single women

at this wedding.

Not to mention, if you

look here, they got

three live bands,

they got oysters, snacks,

phenomenal finger food.

I'm tired, okay?

My feet hurt.

My voice is hoarse.

Oh, please don't take

a turn to Negative Town.

What are you talking about?

Who's getting negative?

Well, at the Buckner

nuptials you were sitting

and sulking in the corner.

I wasn't sulking.

I twisted my ankle.

Rule #6:

Do not sit in

the corner and sulk.

It draws attention to you

in a negative way.

Draw attention to yourself,

but on your own terms.

Please don't quote

the rules to me,

I know them.

When Chaz Reinhold

passed the sacred rules

of wedding crashing onto us

12 years ago,

he gave us a legacy.

You make it sound

like a cult, okay?

And from everything

you've told me about Chaz,

he sounds like a kook!

You bite your tongue.

Chaz Reinhold is not a kook!

He is a brave

and a decent man.

He is a pioneer!

He lived with his mother

till he was 40! She tried

to poison his oatmeal!

Erroneous! Erroneous.

Erroneous

on both counts!

Oh, Lord.

Here we go again.

What you should be worried

about is not Chaz Reinhold,

who is in the hall of fame.

What you should

be worried about

is you're getting sloppy.

Now, if you sit there

and expect me to go

out on a limb

and try to pull off

the greatest crash

of all time,

I gotta know that

your head's right.

There is no room

for error.

Secret Service.

Consequences.

I love your enthusiasm.

If I do this,

I don't wanna half-ass it.

I want it well planned.

He's back!

All right, partner.

We'll start scheming

tonight, okay?

-Sounds good.

-If you need me,

I'll be on line six.

Okay.

Could be fun.

[people chattering]

-Wow.

-[woman] Mr. Senator.

-Congratulations, Kathleen.

-Thank you.

-Bill, congratulations.

-Thank you, Senator.

-Secretary, they just

grow up so damn fast.

-That's the truth.

-Okay. Let's do

our pregame.

-What do you got?

A few articles

on Secretary Cleary's

economic policies.

There's also a roster

of key family members,

a glossary, sailing terms.

-Sailing?

-Sailing's like sex to

these people. They love it.

Harvard, Kennedy

School of Government,

mom's big with charities,

blah, blah, blah.

Three daughters, one son.

I get it. Good work.

Good.

Let me see

that again, please.

Handsome.

Okay, what's

our backstory?

We're brothers

from New Hampshire,

we're venture capitalists.

I'm sick of that!

Let's be from Vermont

and let's have an emerging

maple syrup conglomerate.

Wait, that's stupid.

We don't know anything

about maple syrup.

I happen to know everything

there is to know about maple

syrup. I love maple syrup.

I love maple syrup

on pancakes.

I love it on pizza.

I like to take maple syrup

and put a little bit in my hair

when I've had a rough week.

What do you think

holds it up, slick?

It's the first quarter

of the big game and you

want to toss up a Hail Mary!

I'd like to be pimps from

Oakland or cowboys from Arizona,

but it's not Halloween!

Grow up, Peter Pan!

Count Chocula!

Look, we been

to a million weddings.

And guess what?

We've rocked 'em all!

[orchestral music plays]

[crowd chattering]

Great day.

-[whispers]

The eagle has landed.

-The big show.

Hey, hey. Fifth row back

with the fancy hat.

[Jeremy]

I like that.

No. No, don't waste your

time on girls with hats,

they tend to be very proper.

[Jeremy]

Yeah?

The proper girl in

the hat just eye-fucked

the shit outta me.

[whispers]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you say it

a little louder? I don't

think the priest heard you.

Look, John, I'm sorry

I'm not sorry, okay?

I'm not gonna apologize.

I'm a cocksman.

Tourette's.

-Frank Myers.

-John Ryan. Say hello

to my brother Jeremy.

Hi, how are you?

So, um, how do you

know the groom?

-We are Uncle Ned's kids.

-Mm-hmm.

Uncle Ned.

-Is he Liz's brother?

-Uncle Ned, the brother

of Aunt Liz.

How is everybody?

Well, Dad kinda putters

around the house.

Aunt Liz sends her best.

She couldn't make it.

Uh, yeah, I know.

Uh, ah...

She's dead.

From the grave.

She sends her best

from the grave.

We've become

extremely spiritual

-ever since she passed.

-I see.

But thank you so much

for your kindness, brother.

Lord knows

we need family now

more than ever.

-You're welcome.

-Thank you.

How many times are you

gonna do this shit?

Rule #32:

You don't commit

to a relative

unless you're

absolutely positive

that they have a pulse.

[whispers]

Rule 16: Give me

an up-to-date family tree.

That was your mistake.

You made me look

like an idiot.

Rule #76: No excuses,

play like a champion.

[ Canon in D

playing]

Hello, Red.

-Dibs.

-She's all yours.

I ain't gonna

fight you.

[organ playing

Here Comes the Bride ]

I think

we've got a crier.

-No shot.

-20 bucks.

-Make it 40.

-Done.

[cries]

Oh, are you kidding me?

It's beautiful.

It's moving.

It's a wedding.

And now

for our next reading,

I'd like to ask

the bride's sister Gloria

up to the lectern.

$20,

1 Corinthians.

Double or nothing,

Colossians 3:12.

And now a reading from

Paul's first letter

to the Corinthians.

-[imitates gunshots]

-"Love is patient,

love is kind."

As you all know,

Craig and Christina

are quite

the sailing enthusiasts.

In that light,

they have elected

to exchange vows

which they themselves

have written.

[priest]

The ring.

I, Craig,

take you, Christina,

to be my wife,

my best friend

and my first mate...

[snickers]

...through sickness and health,

clear skies and squalls.

[laughing]

I'm sorry,

I have a tickle

in my throat.

[clears throat]

I, Christina,

take you, Craig,

to be my best friend,

[cries]

and my captain...

to be your anchor

and your sail...

Well, this is a first.

-...your starboard

and your port.

-[snorts]

And now I pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may kiss

the first mate.

-[laughing]

-[guests applauding]

[Mendelssohn's

Wedding March playing]

[playing swing music]

[sighs]

Sorry, just--

just a sampler.

Told you this would

be classy, right?

Yes, you did, class,

first class all the way.

You were not lying.

Class, class, class.

They've got some kind

of seasoning on here.

It must be sprinkled.

Okay, go get us seats near,

but not too near,

the bridal party.

I'm gonna go

drop this box of

fresh Wyoming air.

And if you see any crab cakes,

get your hands on some

-'cause I love

the crab cakes.

-Consider it done.

[ Fly Me to the Moon

playing]

-Fondue set.

-Excuse me?

The present you're holding is

a sterling silver fondue set.

-John Ryan.

-Claire Cleary.

Uh, so how

do you know that?

Well...

I'm a psychic.

-You're psychic?

-I am.

-Really?

-Yes.

-What's that one?

-Knife set. German.

Very nice.

Hmm. And that?

-Cotton linens, Egyptian.

-Ooh.

-What about that?

-Oh, I'll go all day.

Place settings, candlesticks,

crystal stemware-- which they'll

probably never use

'cause it's...

crystal stemware.

-Okay, how about that?

-This?

Uh... massage oils

and a book on tantra

from the wacky aunt.

Let's check.

-Who's it from?

-Aunt Millie.

-Yes!

-Well, you--

you have a gift.

I know. Unfortunately

my powers only apply to

useless consumer products.

Well, you know,

if the police are missing

a Belgian waffle maker

you could, um,

give 'em a hand.

-Claire, we need you

for pictures.

-Okay.

-Who's your friend?

-This is John Ryan.

-Hello.

-Excuse us.

[Jeremy]

Could I just have one more

of the samplers here?

-Good.

-What have we got?

Come back with

some more stuff.

That's good, though.

These bacon-wrapped

scallops, phenomenal.

Okay, so what angle

you gonna play here?

I'm gonna go with

the balloon-animal

display for the kids,

and then when she comes

close to check it out,

-guess who's a broken man?

Haunted past, that's it.

-Haunted past. Excellent.

-How about you?

I'm gonna dance with

the little flower girl

-or I might be a charter

member of Oprah's book club.

-It's all deadly.

-Yes.

-I'll see you in a little.

Final touch.

There it is.

One happy elephant.

All right.

Who else

wants something?

I want a bicycle.

A bicycle?

Well, a bicycle, that would

take a lot of balloons

and honestly, Uncle Jeremy's

a little tired right now

so why don't we do

something like, uh...

let's say a giraffe?

I just want a bicycle!

Why-- why are

you yelling at me?

Whatever, make me

a bicycle, clown!

I'm gonna make

you a bicycle.

But I don't want

to make you a bicycle.

Shut your mouth,

funny guy, and make it!

You got it.

There you go. Yeah!

You got it!

Let's see how you do

with somebody your own age.

I think I'm up

to the challenge.

All right, will you

save me a dance

for later?

-Maybe.

-[chuckles] Okay.

[clears throat,

chuckles]

[Jeremy]

Go on, take it,

you hyena.

Don't say

thank you.

Hi. You're good.

That thing?

I'm just warming up.

Last week I did a, uh,

exact replica of--

to scale-- of Wrigley Field.

-Ha!

-Honest to God. I don't

have anywhere to put it.

Okay, then I'll

take a sportscar.

How about a dance?

That's what

I really wanted.

[swing music playing]

So how long have you

and the Secretary

been married?

30 years next April.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah, and we were

faithful for two of them.

-Hmm?

-Enjoy the party.

-[man] Congratulations,

Mr. Secretary.

-Thanks.

Secretary Cleary,

John Ryan.

-Hi, John.

-I just wanted to tell

you how much I enjoyed

your position paper

on economic expansion

in Micronesia.

You've read

my position paper?

-I read it while I was

sailing my boat to Bermuda.

-A sailor?

-Good man, take a seat.

-Oh, thanks.

You didn't happen

to catch my speech

on the Paraguayan debt

and money supply issue,

did you?

Are you kidding me?

I thought it was great.

Your argument

for the inverse ratio

of capitalization

to debt was genius.

Now, if we can just get

Congress not to be

so shortsighted.

Yes! Well put.

Shortsighted.

John, what do you say

you and I head out

to the deck

-and light up

a couple of cigars?

-Stogies?

-Yeah.

-Why not?

It's just that we

lost a lot of really

good men out there.

I'm sorry.

Gloria, I think I gotta

go get some fresh air.

Thank you so much

for the dance and it was

wonderful to meet you.

I wish

I was stronger.

Jeremy!

Jeremy, wait up!

[Secretary Cleary]

Well, the guy wants

to run for President.

-[John laughing]

-Oh, so you're hiding, I see.

He thinks Moby Dick

is a venereal disease.

-[laughing]

-Well, that's

what I need. Claire.

Sorry to interrupt.

Um, Christina

wants to talk to you.

-Fun's over.

-[laughs]

-Yeah.

-Funny.

-[Secretary Cleary] Franklin!

-What a great guy.

You are a big hit

at this wedding.

Well, everyone's

so nice. It's easy.

[whispers]

They're all full of shit.

-What?

-Half of these people

are here because of my dad.

They're all just, you know,

suckling at the power teat.

No, no.

Come on, they're here because

they want to believe they're

in the presence of true love.

That's why people come

to weddings, 'cause they

wanna believe in true love.

What's true love?

True love is

your soul's recognition of

its counterpoint in another.

Well, it's a little cheesy,

but... I like it.

Uh, I saw it

on a bumper sticker.

[giggles]

-So, you gonna

give a toast?

-Yes.

-Nervous?

-Mm... little bit. Um...

What are you gonna say?

Would you?

You keep it

in your cleavage.

[giggles]

Nowhere else to put it.

Normally, I'm not very

good at these things,

but I-- I think

this one's pretty good.

"I never thought my sister

would find someone

who cared about what

other people thought

as much as she did...

-until I met Craig"?

-[giggles] Yes!

That's funny!

That's funny because it's true.

You know, people like funny.

I know. But the whole

funny-because-it's-true bit

only works if the truth

is a small thing

like "Everyone knows,

Jennifer likes to shop,"

ha ha ha.

I think you're better

off going with something

from the heart, honestly.

I think that people

are gonna like this.

I think you're

gonna hear crickets.

-I thing you're wrong.

-Sounds of silence.

-Nope.

-Okay, go walk the plank.

-Mmm-mm.

I'm sticking to it.

-Go ahead.

Hey, meet me

at the back of the room.

I'll be the guy waiting

to say "I told you so."

Good luck!

And so, after my

ninth stint in rehab,

um, Craig--

Oh, Craig.

Craig was the only one

who still believed in me.

Been sober now

for eight months.

[laughing nervously]

And, uh...

I thank God every day,

for sending me

a friend like Craig.

-I love you, man.

-[all applauding]

I never thought that

my sister would find someone

who cared about what

other people thought

as much as she did

until I met Craig.

[silence]

Um...

as you all know,

my sister and Craig

are both lawyers

at big law firms

in New York.

But that's not

the only thing

they have in common.

Um, they both like

the color green,

like Craig's eyes

and money.

Um, uh...

You know, someone

once told me that

true love is...

the soul's recognition of

its counterpoint in another.

And I think that

that's a very rare thing

in this world.

[giggles nervously]

And I think it's something

to be valued.

And I'm just really happy

that my big sister's found it.

Uh, congratulations, Chris.

-[applause]

- [jazz music playing]

Ah! That was amazing!

It was really great.

We should probably head back

so they're not looking for us.

I always knew

my first time

would be on a beach.

-[sighing]

-First time?

-You were a virgin?

-Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Jeremy, we're gonna

be so happy together.

I love you.

-I'm sorry?

-I love you!

[giggles]

-You totally saved me.

-No.

-Yes.

-[man] Claire, come on.

Come on.

[man] Mm!

Oh, baby,

you were awesome.

-No.

-Listen to me. Awesome.

Okay.

[giggles]

-Uh, John, this is--

this is my boyfriend, Sack.

-Hey, fella.

How you doing?

-Listen, we've gotta

go meet the Schreibers.

-Okay, was great to meet you.

[whispers]

Thank you!

Boom, I gotcha!

[laughing]

Oh, great!

It's good to see you.

I've been looking all over

for you. I gotta get

outta here pronto.

-I've got

a stage five clinger.

-No, no, I need more time.

Did you hear what

I just said to you?

Stage five? Virgin?

Clinger? Let's go.

I'm gonna start the car.

I'm serious,

let's go.

I don't think that

you're appreciating

the urgency here.

Not only is she a virgin,

she's totally off

the reservation.

I'm terrified

of this broad.

-There you are!

-Hey! Gloria, wow!

What a coincidence,

I was just singing

your praises.

-This is John Ryan.

-Oh, hi.

-Yeah.

-So my family

and a few friends,

we're all going back

to our little place

on the shore,

-and it would be so great

if you guys came.

-Really?

-Sounds sort of

wonderful.

-I am--

Well it does, it sounds--

it sounds very nice.

But-- but I'm flattered

that you would

even think of me

to include me in something

like that, Gloria. Thank you.

It kills me, however,

to have to tell you

I'm sorry,

-I just-- timing's no good.

I won't be able to make it.

-Why?

-It's gonna be so much fun!

-It's gonna be so much fun!

I'm sure it

will be fun for the--

for the people that are going.

I-- I unfortunately can't go.

I-- I don't have, um--

I only have

this monkey suit.

-I don't have any clothes.

-No, we have everything

you need.

-Problem solved.

Problem solved!

-The problem's not solved.

-The problem's not solved.

-Deal us in.

Oh, cool, cool, cool!

I'm gonna run it

by my dad! Ah!

Hey, don't ask your dad!

Don't ask your dad! Don't--

-The train's going.

We gotta get on.

-Well, that's true. Why don't--

-Why don't you just

feed me to the lions?

-What?

-Step on my head

when I'm drowning.

-What?

What a great friend.

What do you mean "what"?

John, this is completely

against the rules.

You have a wedding

and a reception

to seal the deal. Period.

-There's no overtime.

-Oh, no overtime?

-No!

-What about the Chang

wedding three years ago?

-Oh, that's bullshit.

-Yeah, yeah. Thought

I forgot about that.

2:00 A.M., you dragged me

50 miles to watch

you and some chick

play mahjong with

her grandmother at

a retirement home.

Yeah, completely

different situation.

-How?

-What do you mean "how"?

She was a very, very

family-oriented girl.

And she was very

into her grandmother.

They're very family-oriented.

-Give me a break!

-That was my first Asian!

-You better lock it up.

-You better lock it up.

-No, you lock it up. Lock it up.

-You lock it up. Lock it up.

Please! It would mean

so much to me, please!

Look at the way

he's looking at me.

I can tell he doesn't

like me, John. He's the

Secretary of the Treasury.

And to be honest

with you, my taxes

aren't exactly in line.

Oh, come on,

you're being paranoid.

He's threatened

by the way I dance.

Damn it! Why'd I have to

go showin' off like that?

Now I'm all over

his radar. Stupid!

You're not

that good a dancer.

Oh, please!

You and I both know

I'm a phenomenal dancer.

Now I know you're lying

through your teeth!

You'll do anything

to get me to go on this thing,

even if I have to walk

right into the lion's den.

-[stomping]

-Gloria, come on!

You know I'm not gonna give in

to this kind of behavior.

She's like a kid

at Toys R Us.

I can't be around it.

Oh, get off your high horse.

Stop judging people.

You take off the white wig,

and you stop judging me.

I don't want to be around

someone who's a nut job.

-I need some

alone time with her.

-If you want to hang out

with Claire,

the boyfriend, and Cybill,

by all means. I'm not going.

Let me lay it out for you

in simple chapter and verse:

you're going.

Let me break it down for you

so you understand. I'll hold

your hand like a small child.

-I'm not going.

You can go if you want.

-Yes, you are.

-I'm-- No, I'm not.

-You're gonna be a team player

for once in your life.

-He'd love you to come.

-Yes! Yes! Baba ganoush!

-What do I do?

-Baba ganou!

[man]

Okay, okay.

Home sweet home.

[guests chattering]

-You okay?

-Yeah.

[whispers] Hey, hey, hey,

come here, come here.

Are you okay?

Because I'm gonna need

100% of Jeremy this weekend

and you're looking

a little weird.

She took me below deck

for 45 minutes. I don't have

any bodily fluids left in me.

-Gentlemen, everything okay?

-Great.

-Great?

-Yep.

You know, we were

thinking about a little game

of touch football, you know.

-[grunts]

-Yeah?

-Cleary family tradition.

-A little pigskin, why not?

-[Secretary Cleary] Great.

-Don't forget

to stretch, guys.

We're gonna be

on the field in 10.

[boy]

I'm open! I'm open!

There you go!

Nice, nice.

Nice.

There you go.

[fast, repetitive breaths]

-Clothes fit.

-Ooh.

I'm not even gonna

say it, but you--

you-- you know I'm upset.

I know you are.

I think you look good.

You know

I don't look good.

-Hey, honey!

-[groans]

Over here!

Are you ready?

Are you ready

for some football?

-You want the noise brought

on you? 'Cause here it comes.

-The what?

-The noise brought on you,

'cause here it comes.

-Just hike the ball, nut job.

Ready! Set!

Hut! Hut! Hike!

One Mississippi,

two Mississippi,

three Mississippi.

[men grunting]

Yes!

-Ooh!

-Whoo!

-Yes! Crab cakes and football!

That's what Maryland does!

-[man] Nice one!

[grunts]

-A little out of shape?

-Yeah.

[chuckles]

-Way to bring it!

-[Sack] Way to anticipate

that rush, man.

-No, I just saw you had it.

-Hey, shut up! You gotta

anticipate that rush.

-Cool, no, of course I do.

-You did a great job.

-What happened, toast?

-I think he's on steroids.

It was like trying to cover

a fucking racehorse.

[both grunting, growling]

-[Sack] Get it up!

-Well, don't worry about it.

We'll burn 'em with the post.

No, I got

a better idea.

Look, I want you to

fake the post,

throw an interception

to Claire, get her

to feel good, you know?

Gets them foamy.

You think you can do that?

John, I was first team

All-State. I can put the

ball wherever I want to.

I'll make it rain out

here. All right, guys,

bring it in.

Blue 17!

Blue 17! Red 17!

-Oh, you're gonna cover me?

-Like white on rice.

All right, I like

my odds here. I'm gonna

give you a little warning,

-I'm going downtown.

-Hot route!

Red seven,

red seven, red seven!

Look for me in the endzone

after this play, I'll be

the guy holding the ball.

-John!

-What?

-Red seven!

-I don't know

what "red seven" means.

-Hot route!

-I don't--

W-- what is "hot route"?

Will you just go stand

on the other side, please?

Oh, are you running

away from me?

No! I'm just

getting over here.

-Down!

-Come on!

Ready, down, set!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!

[Gloria] Go, Jeremy!

Hey, yo!

Hit me! Hit me!

-[grunts]

-Boo-ya!

-[gasps]

-That's what we call

a Sack lunch!

Num-num-num-num-num-num!

-Ow! Bird.

-[grunts]

Big tree fall hard, right?

How many fingers

I got up?

Come on, Pepe, how many fingers

I got up? Oh, come on, I got

four. Okay, here's five.

-Man down!

We got a man down!

-[coughing]

[laughing] You okay?

Hey, is your

brother okay?

What? Nah, he's fine.

[straining]

I can't breathe.

-What's that?

-I can't breathe.

No, no, no, I think

he's really hurt.

Well, it serves him right

after that throw.

Hey! Baba ganoush!

I don't know-- I don't know

what got into me, Secretary,

I just-- [sniffs]

I do. Five generations

of Lodge family breeding.

[both growl, laugh]

-Your father used

to pull the same stunt...

-I can't breathe.

-...when we were your age.

-I can't breathe.

You okay?

[whispers] Great!

You threw it perfectly!

Come on, get up!

-Don't oversell it.

-I'm not selling anything.

Come on, stop milking it.

You make us look like

a bunch of pussies.

Jeremy!

Sit this play out.

Todd, come on in.

You must be joking.

It wouldn't kill you to play

some competitive sports

once in a while, would it?

Well, would that

make you love me?

Pfft. Jesus.

Hey, Jeremy,

red moon dog 7-11!

42, 30-teen!

Hut one! Hut two!

Blitz!

-[Claire screaming]

-Jeremy!

-Hoo-ah!

-[loud thud]

-[gasps]

-Oh!

-Oh.

-That looked like it hurt.

-I got you!

-[John] No, you didn't!

-You're cheating!

-You're cheating!

-The only--

-Oh, my God, your brother,

he's down again.

What is his deal?

I-- I don't know

what's getting into me

today, guys. It's just--

Nature versus nurture, Lodge.

Nature always wins.

What are you doing?

It's a game of touch.

Every time I look over,

you're on your ass again.

[straining] If I had

any air in my lungs,

I'd scream at you!

Oh, now you're

gonna blame me?

'Cause you're not athletic

enough to stay on your two feet?

I hate you.

Let's take

a daiquiri time-out.

[both]

Daiquiris.

-[Jeremy gasping]

-Oh!

Sweetheart, why don't

you take him into the

house and fix him up?

-Sure, Mom.

-Oh, don't baby him,

it just makes it worse.

[Jeremy]

Oh! My back hurts.

Oh, great.

Game's over. Satisfied?

You got

everyone on you now.

Get all the attention.

-[groans]

-Come on, baby.

[both sigh]

-It's hot out here.

-Yeah, it is.

You should have played

in your underwear.

I'll get you a drink.

-Oh, Jesus Christ.

-[sizzles]

It burns.

-Oh! Poor baby.

-It stings.

-Oh, Jesus.

-You want me to blow on it?

No. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, I don't

need any blowing.

I'm good, I'm good.

-I'm-- Thank you.

-Jeremy, I'm not wearing

any panties.

-Oh. Yeah.

-That's right.

-Ooh, ah, oh!

-Um, uh, okay.

That's fun. That's nice.

Okay, I don't understand

what's going on.

It's like eight hours ago

you were a shy little virgin,

and now you're not wearing any

panties. I'm just trying to-- to

catch up with you here.

-You do that to me. Ooh.

-I do what to you?

-Where's my little friend?

-No, don't. I'm-- He's tired.

-Where's my little friend?

-He's tired.

-Where's my little friend? Hm?

-He's in time-out.

Gloria, please!

I'm exhausted, I'm exhausted.

I've had a very long day.

-[moans]

-I'm just a-- I had

your sister's boyfriend

dry hump me up and down

the field all afternoon.

My leg's cut and bleeding.

I'm just-- I'm not really

in the mood for this.

[screams]

Ow! Jesus Christ!

My father warned me about

people like you, Jeremy.

I'm just another

notch on your belt!

This is not like that.

What are you talk-- It's not

like that!

Really?! Then what's

it like, Jeremy, huh?

-Ow! Ow! No!

Wait! Wait!

-Huh?!

It's just that I'm

feeling very strongly

that we're only starting

to express ourselves

in a physical,

sexual-specifically way.

-[shrieks]

-That's not it! Wait!

And I'd like to

play some catch-up on

finding out who's inside here.

[panting] Okay?

-Jeremy.

-[giggles nervously]

-Jeremy, you're amazing!

-Oh, God, I think

you're amazing.

-Oh, my God,

don't ever leave me.

-Ever.

Good! 'Cause I'd find you.

[laughing]

Yeah.

Of course like all kids,

I had imaginary friends,

but not just one.

I had hundreds and hundreds,

and all of them from

different backgrounds

who spoke different

languages. And one of them,

whose name was Caleb,

he spoke a magical language

that only I could understand.

[speaking gibberish]

[imitates gibberish]

Get him all patched up?

I sure did, Daddy.

Gloria-bug.

You go change for dinner.

[laughs nervously]

Okay.

[exhales deeply]

You know, she's not just

another notch on the old belt.

I don't even wear

a belt. Beltless.

I'm a very powerful man.

Yes, you are.

See you for dinner.

[Sack]

So, I am president of the

Environmental Defense League,

and I pick up this little

sea otter, and-- and-- and--

wipe off the oil

from the tanker spill...

All right, you gotta step

this up already. I'm gonna

give you the damn eyedrops.

No, I don't want 'em.

It's too hardcore.

-[Jeremy] Well, do you want to

be alone with her or not?

-[John] Yes.

Put a few of these in his drink

and he'll be going down

on the toilet seat

-for the next 24 hours.

-I don't want to do it.

I can beat this guy.

Let's be honorable

for once.

[imitating otter bark]

And the whiskers.

[imitating otter bark]

And the oil's-- the oil's

flapping, he goes--

[sneezes]

kept [barks]

-Give me the eyedrops.

-Thank you.

-[people chattering]

- [classical string music]

Perfect.

Let us bow our

heads in prayer.

Heavenly Father,

-we thank you for thy

bounty on this table...

-[chair squeaks]

...and ask that you bless

the entire Cleary family

and all the friends

here assembled.

-Amen.

-[Sack] Amen.

Mmm. Oh, these scallops

look fantastic.

I, uh, I bought them from an

organic scallop farm right off

the coast of, uh, Nattachoke.

Actually, um, Sack got

the governor to subsidize

part of the project.

And now it's the state's only

self-sustaining scallop farm.

Say that five times fast.

You can't do it.

Self-sustaining--

[laughs]

[Jeremy]

They actually look terrific.

Maybe I'll actually try some

when I get the sensation

back in my face

from the, uh...

football game.

Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry.

I just, you know, I have this

damn competitive streak.

Um... I'm seeing

a Buddhist about it.

Not just any Buddhist.

His holiness, the Dalai Lama.

He's a good friend.

Stop traffic.

Because when I go

back to town,

I'm actually gonna

see an orthopedist

about what you did to

my back. And not just

any orthopedist,

I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein

who specializes in--

Hey, Sack, how long

have you and Claire

been seeing each other?

Claire and I? Um, what's

it been, sweetheart?

A couple years?

Three and a half.

Yeah, um, actually, we

started dating while we were

doing Habitat for Humanity.

Sure.

Pretty soon...

we'll be getting married.

-[bangs table]

-Yep.

Well, not too soon, um...

We still have a lot of things

that we want to accomplish, so.

Anyway, once Claire

and Sack tie the knot,

two of the great

American families,

-the Clearys and the Lodges,

will finally unite.

-Hear, hear.

And then of course, you can

challenge the Klingons

for interstellar

domination, right?

[laughing]

Jeremy...

I saw you

on the dance floor.

You move pretty good.

Oh. Thanks a lot.

I-- really just got lucky.

I was more in the zone

than anything else.

It was

the booze dancing.

[Sack]

Sorry guys, I forgot.

How are you guys connected

to the family again?

Uncle Ned's kids.

You know...

Uncle Ned?

Aunt Liz's brother.

Ned and Liz.

[Sack]

Hmm. No, I don't know.

[Secretary Cleary]

So, Jeremy,

you and your brother are

venture capitalists.

-That's right.

-That's great.

Venture capitalist.

The backbone of the system.

-It's the new pioneer.

-[priest] New pioneer.

So is it just

about the money?

No no, it's about,

investing in companies

that are ethically

and morally defensible.

Well, like what?

Give me an example.

Like what? Well, there's

the company that we have

where we're taking the--

the fur or the wool

from sheep

and we turn it into thread

for homeless people

to sew.

And then they

make it into cloth,

which they in turn sew...

-[dishes rattling]

-...then, um...

make some shirts

and pants

for other

homeless people to sell.

It's a pretty good deal.

-People-- people

helping people.

-[John] Yeah.

That's-- that's

very admirable.

Thank you. Although,

don't make me out to be

a saint just yet.

We do turn a small profit.

After all, someone

has to pay for the, uh,

lap dances for

the big guy here.

Oh! [laughing]

He's joking around.

It feels so good

when he jokes.

What's this, uh,

company called?

-Holy sh--

-Shirts & Pants.

Holy Shirts & Pants.

It's a little corny

and obvious,

but what do you get

out of being subtle, right?

Well, that's a hell

of a good project.

I'm gonna mention something

to the commerce secretary.

That would be terrific.

That would be great, huh?

Terrific,

it was terrific.

Isn't my Willy

doing a wonderful job

there in Washington?

-Mommy.

-You know, Willy's father,

my husband...

-[stomach rumbles]

-...was the Secretary

of State

for President

Franklin Roosevelt.

That must have been

so thrilling-- FDR.

-[stomach rumbling]

-[John] My gosh, FDR was

a wonderful president.

[grandma]

He was a doll.

The wife, though,

Eleanor--

-big dyke!

-[Claire] Oh, Lord.

Huge dyke!

A real rug muncher!

Looked like

a big lesbian mule.

[chuckling]

Grandma, you can't

talk like that, okay?

It's not right.

Somebody-- somebody

get me another scotch

for Christ sakes!

I think I'm

gonna go to bed.

[Claire]

honey, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

You know, I'm just

a little tired. Thanks.

-[Claire] Okay.

-You all right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[groans]

What an athlete.

A tremendous competitor.

I know.

[laughs]

Todd, I noticed

that you haven't even

touched your food yet.

-I don't eat meat or fish.

-He's a homo.

[snickering]

[Secretary Cleary]

Mommy, let's not

go there again.

[Claire]

Actually, um, Todd

is an amazing painter.

He's going

to the Rhode Island

School of Design.

[John]

Oh, that's a great school.

Congratulations, Todd.

That's really

impressive, "Rizdee."

Yeah, Dad--

Dad used to think I'd be

a political liability,

you know, in case

he ever ran for president.

Now, Todd! Actually,

truth be told,

polling shows a majority

of the American people

would ultimately empathize

with our situation.

-What is

our situation, Dad?!

-You're a homo.

Oh, for God sakes, William,

put Mommy to bed already.

Okay. Mommy,

we've had a long day.

I can do it myself,

asshole.

Wow.

I'll be in my

room painting.

Homo things.

You just go

right ahead, Toddy.

-Mmm, wonderful scallops.

-Absolutely. Wonderful.

You know, um...

I think I'm

gonna get some air.

Oh, I'll get some air

if you want some company.

-Sure.

-Let me just change

my shoes. Excuse me.

All right. I'm gonna--

Can't walk away

from the delicious food

that we got here.

[door slams]

I just had

my tits done.

You like 'em?

Those... seem

like lovely tits.

William doesn't give

a shit about my tits.

Well, darn him.

But Mrs. Cleary,

this is pretty sudden.

You've been playing

cat and mouse with me

ever since you came here.

-Mrs. Cleary, I don't--

-Call me Cat.

Okay, Cat--

Call me Kitty Cat.

[growls]

Okay, Kitty Cat,

this feels borderline

inappropriate, and--

-Feel them.

-What?

-I said feel them.

-Mrs. Cleary--

Kitty Cat.

I'm sorry, Kitty Cat.

Are you out of your

fucking mind?

I'm not letting

you out of this room

until you feel them.

[moaning softly]

Wow, they feel really nice.

Real orb-like.

It's amazing what

they can do to--

[sighs, shivers]

Pervert.

[door opens, closes]

-John, I need

to talk to you.

-No, not right now.

What's wrong with you?

Why you got the weird

look all over your face?

Claire's mom just made

me grab her hooters.

Well, snap out of it!

What? A hot, older woman

made you feel her cans?

Stop crying like

a little girl.

I wasn't crying

like a little girl.

Why don't you try getting

jacked off under the table in

front of the whole damn family

and have some real

problems? Jackass.

What were they like,

anyway? They look pretty

good. Are they real?

Are they built for speed

or for comfort? What you

do with 'em? Motorboat?

You play the motorboat?

Ppppt!

You motorboating

son of a bitch.

You old sailor, you!

Where is she?

She still in the house?

What is

wrong with you?

What do you mean

what's wrong with--

what's wrong with you?

-No, what's wrong with you?

-No, what's wrong with you?

-You're projecting.

-Drop it.

You drop it!

You stop projecting on me.

Why don't you go enjoy

yourself while I go ice my

balls and spit up blood?

-[John] Drop it!

-"Team player."

Hey! Good thing

I didn't hold my breath.

Yeah, I'm sorry,

I just, uh...

[clears throat]

Sorry I'm late, I just--

You okay?

No no,

I'm fine, I just--

-I just got,

uh, held up.

-Hmm.

-My family's

a little strange.

-A little strange?

Come on. Claire.

Your family...

are totally nuts.

-And guess what?

-What?

-I love it.

-[giggles] You do?

-Yeah, it seems great.

-Really?

-Yes!

-I get a little

self-conscious.

It's a family!

You're mixing it up.

You got the sweet little

grandma who's really sweet

with her, like, little,

like, white hair, but then

she's kinda mean.

-[laughing]

-But you're like, "Well,

fuck it, she's so old,

and she's not

gonna change now."

-Oh.

-Shit, it was great!

I just hope I didn't

embarrass myself with

that stupid joke I told.

Are you kidding?

That was so funny!

-No, really?

Really?

-Yeah!

Yeah, you're like that crazy

guest who thinks he's part

of the family already, it's--

-Doesn't sound that great.

That sounds horrible.

-No, it's cute.

The crazy guest

who thinks he's like

a part of the family

who's gonna say

inappropriate stuff?

What is that?

Yeah. You know,

you break the ice.

-Yeah.

-It can be so stuffy

sometimes in there.

Claire?

-Yeah?

-There you are.

Have you checked on Sack?

I think he's pretty sick.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

No, I'll be right in.

-[door closes]

-Um, I should--

I should go check on him.

Yeah, sure, okay.

Yeah, we'll take a

walk some other time.

-Claire.

-Mm-hmm?

I'll-- I'll talk

to you later.

Okay.

Oh no.

Are you okay?

[sniffs]

Well, Claire, um...

My head's buried

in a toilet.

What do you think?

Why don't you do

the math, okay?

Honey, it's okay to be

vulnerable sometimes.

It's just me.

Yeah, you can just cut that

psychobabble bullshit that

your mom tells you, okay?

-Right.

-Hey, you wanna

help me out?

Do ya? Do ya, kid?

Why don't you go

get me a 7-Up, okay?

All right,

'cause I think I'm--

[mockingly]

I think I might

get vulnerable again.

[animal howling]

[sniffs]

What the f-- fuck

is going on?

Shh, shh, shh!

You'll wake my dad.

Baby, I started thinking

about what you said before

and I think

the problem is

I am not being

adventurous enough for you!

Gloria, I am pretty

sure that is not what

I've been saying to you.

Shh!

Baby...

I'm gonna make all

your fantasies come true.

But this is not fant--

[muffled groans]

[passionately]

I love you.

[muffled scream]

[soft rock music

playing]

♪ Till I drive you away ♪

[sighs]

♪ I know

what you'll say ♪

♪ You say oh ♪

♪ Someone you know ♪I

I♪ But I promise you this ♪

♪ I'll always

look out for you ♪

♪ Yeah, that's

what I'll do ♪

♪ I say oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ I say oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ I saw sparks ♪

♪ Yeah, I saw sparks... ♪

♪ I saw sparks ♪

[vomits]

♪ Yeah, I saw sparks ♪

♪ I saw them ♪

♪ La la la ♪

[breathing deeply]

Gloria,

go to sleep, honey.

It's not Gloria.

Jesus Christ!

We had a moment at

the dinner table,

didn't we?

-No. No, we did not have

a moment at the dinner table.

-Yes! We had a moment.

I was right there.

Todd, I would have noticed

if there was a moment.

-There was no moment.

-I made you a painting.

What?

I call the painting

"Celebration."

It's sexual and violent.

I thought you

might like it.

-No.

-[door closes]

Hide! You gotta hide!

-No. They need to know

about us. It's okay.

-Yes.

Hide hide hide!

Please please please.

You gotta hide,

you gotta hide!

Not there. Not there!

I'm not comfortable--

I'm not comfortable with that!

-Let's play tummy sticks!

-What's tummy sticks? I don't

want to play tummy sticks!

-Get in the closet.

-It's okay, I was where

you were a year ago.

Get in the fucking

closet right now!

You go get in the closet!

You go get in the closet!

You go get in the closet!

Go!

I'll pop out

at the right moment.

No, you will not!

Everything okay in here?

I thought I heard something.

I was just

having a bad dream.

Oh.

-[sniffs]

-I know about bad dreams.

You know, Todd...

screams

at night sometimes.

You know, the doctors

call it night terrors.

I don't know.

Hmm?

Oh. Okay, then.

Sleep well.

[door closes]

There's nothing

terrifying about the night.

Now, listen, if you let me

go to bed and get some sleep

then I-- we can

talk tomorrow.

You won't

make time for me.

If I get my sleep

I'll have to-- I'll--

I'll love to make

time and talk about, uh,

uh, different things.

Like paintings.

Can't wait for tomorrow

when I got energy and I

can really share some stuff.

-[giggles]

-okay.

-Oh, it's gonna be great.

-You sleep.

Mmm. Okay.

That was nice.

[choking back tears]

That was nice! Please

let me just sleep.

I can't take

this fucking shit anymore!

There he is!

It's the big guy!

Get in here.

Wait till you

see the spread.

Anything you want.

Yeah, well, get

what you want to go.

The ferry leaves in 25 minutes.

We gotta get outta here.

Whoa, what's your problem?

Have some of this stuff.

-I didn't get a lot of sleep

last night, John. I'm fried.

-Soft mattress?

Yeah, that could've

been it. It could have

been the soft mattress.

Or, it could've been

the midnight rape...

or the nude, gay art show

that took place in my room--

one of those probably added

to the lack of sleep--

Try one of these scones,

you're gonna love 'em.

I'm a little traumatized

to have a scone. Let's move.

Will you slow down

for a second? The whole

eyedrop thing backfired.

Okay? It didn't work.

She had to leave me

and go attend to him.

Why are you looking

at me like that?

You're falling

for this broad.

No! I just met her.

Exactly.

I'm gonna go.

-You can't go.

-Watch me.

[spanks himself]

Watch me take this

on down the road.

If you leave, Gloria

is gonna freak out

and throw a shit fit,

and it's gonna go

into crisis lockdown

mode here at the house.

I don't give

a baker's fuck!

I just had my own

sock duct-taped into

my mouth last night!

-Whoa, what?

-Yeah, the sock that

I wore around all day,

playing football in,

pouring sweat in,

was shoved into my mouth,

and there was duct tape

over it!

Well, let's talk about it.

I'm a good listener.

I'm not in a place to discuss

what happened. Okay?

I felt like Jodie Foster

in The Accused last night.

I'm gonna go home,

see Dr. Finkelstein

and I'm gonna tell him...

we got a whole new bag of

issues, we can forget about

Mom for a while. I'm gonna go.

Suit yourself.

Rule #1.

Rule #1:

Never leave a fellow

crasher behind.

-I can't believe

how selfish you are.

-I need you.

A friend in need

is a pest.

I'll stick it out with you

because you're desperate.

I need the big guy.

I'm gonna try to give you

a little bit more time,

because somebody can't close.

-Fair enough.

-But if you want my help,

you gotta listen.

Number one:

stop being a pussy.

Number two:

make a move.

Number three...

You know it.

Could you pop

the syrup for me?

Just as a top off?

Here's what's

gonna happen, Tonto.

Kimosabe's gonna have

some flavor,

-I'm gonna choose

not to eat with you.

-We're not gonna eat together?

No. I like to recharge

my batteries,

and shut down the engines,

and get myself

back to neutral.

When the meal's over with,

I will talk to you.

I don't want to get

into what happened last night,

'cause it's only

gonna make me mad.

Let's get through today,

let's keep our eye

on the prize,

let's focus,

-and let's close some ass.

-Noted.

Can I tell you something

without you getting angry?

I love you.

Yeah, you, big guy.

[muffled]

I love you too.

-[phone line ringing]

-[man] Hello.

-Trapster, it's Sack.

- Sackmaster!

-How was the wedding?

- Oh, it was boring,

you know,

but the bachelor party,

of course, rocked.

We got Heidi a couple

of those fucking sluts

from the environmental

group, remember them?

No way!

Did you tap that again?

Once at my place,

then once back in the cab.

Damn! Sluts!

Oh, how's Claire?

Still trying to figure out

what she's doing

with her life?

Claire? She's, you know,

whatever, I don't know.

She's saving the world

one maladjusted kid

at a time.

But that'll all change

when we're married,

'cause I want a wife.

I don't want a fucking

martyr, right?

I hear that, my friend.

Hey, man, listen,

I-- I-- I-- I-- I got--

Do you remember

that private detective

we used

to set up that fucking

Shearson Lehman prick?

The big, sleazy

Tommy Gufano.

He's a wop genius.

Yes. I need you

to get some dirt

on these two guys

John and Jeremy Ryan.

They're brothers

from New Hampshire.

They got some sort

of N.P.O. called

"Holy Shirts & Pants."

-I will check into them.

- Excellent, bro.

-You da man!

- Take it easy.

[dry heaving]

[Secretary Cleary]

Where's Sack?

[Claire]

Oh, he's-- he's still

not feeling very well.

[Secretary Cleary]

Well then, we'll sail

without him.

-John my boy.

-Yes?

We're tacking back round.

Do me a favor,

ease the sheets.

Swing the jib

starboard.

Okay, let me--

[grunting]

One minute.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-How is it going?

-Oh, just swinging the jib

here for your dad.

Starboard.

Trying to get it over here

and crease the sheet.

Um, but starboard's

this way.

-Oh, that's right.

What am I--

-Yeah.

-What am I thinking?

-I'll help.

-Okay.

-Hang on, hang on.

[grunts]

Watch the jib boom.

Oh.

[laughs]

All right, push it.

-Push it this way.

-[grunts]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, this is better.

-Come on, use some muscle.

-There we go.

All right,

that's good.

Done. Done.

You know, I'm used

to sailing down under

with the Kiwis,

so everything is

backwards.

Even the toilets--

when you flush them,

the water spins

the opposite way.

Really freaks you out

the first time you see it.

-[laughs]

-[grunts]

[panting]

[Secretary Cleary]

John my boy,

come on up here.

Man "The Woodwind"

for a while.

On my way.

[giggles]

[exhales]

Hey, your dad was telling

me about a great beach

near here

that maybe we could

check out

if you have any interest

when we get back.

Yeah.

Great. Okay, it can get

confusing up here.

-If you have a problem,

just give me a call.

-Thank you.

Ah, sailing!

What have we got, Captain?

Take the wheel.

[men conversing

quietly]

-Thanks.

-Now how would one

get to this Sook's Bend?

-Actually, it would be

a really nice bike ride.

-Well--

[cocks gun]

Everything's ready

for the quail hunt!

-For the quail hunt?

-Yeah. It's a-- it's

a Cleary family tradition.

Well, I think

you might have to

deal me out on this,

-'cause we were gonna--

-Nonsense, I insist.

John, you gotta go!

You're gonna love it!

You're gonna love it!

Sack, honey, um,

you're a little bit

sick for hunting.

Oh, no, I'm great!

Honey, I'm great!

Oh, I'm going!

Right? Right?

[laughing loudly]

Okay. You're going.

-So, I guess

I'll see you later.

-See you later.

Just take it easy, okay?

-Okay.

-Okay.

Mr. Environmental

is also a-a hunter.

It's kind of an interesting

combination.

I hunt quail, Jeremy!

They're overpopulated in this

region and they're decimating

the grub worm population.

You got a fucking problem

with that?!

Not nearly as much as I do

with the, uh, attire

that you have on,

or just your

general point of view

towards everybody.

But let's go

kill some birds.

I'm psyched.

[birds cawing]

Have you even shot

one of these things before?

The whole 17 years

we've known each other,

I've been sneaking off to go

on little hunting trips

around the world.

No, I don't even know

what the fuck a quail is!

I feel totally ridiculous.

Like why do I have to be

in camouflage?

So the big bad quail

doesn't see me?

I know.

It's like, why can't we

hunt something cool

like a hawk,

or an eagle, or something

with some talons?

-That'd be awesome. You mean,

something like big game...

-Yeah!

-Even like a gorilla...

-Gorilla!

-Or rhinoceros...

-Rhino!

Or a fucking human being?

That'll get you jacked up.

That's a little heavy.

I mean, like--

you're hunting

a human being right now,

the most dangerous game.

Like a worthy adversary.

Not a human being

that's armed...

-Oh, if he wasn't armed.

-...but a clever-- a clever

human being

-who knows the jungle,

or the woods.

-Or like a bad guy.

[blows bird whistle]

[blows bird whistle]

There's something not right

about these guys.

[Ken]

What do you mean?

-I mean, it's time

to send them home.

-Sack, don't do anything crazy.

-Just relax, I'm just gonna

scare them a little bit.

-All right.

[yells]

To the right!

[scream]

Argh!

[both]

Oo-ooh!

-Ooh.

-[hissing]

-They got me!

-Oh, shit.

-They got me!

-Oh, shit.

[Jeremy screams]

Ow! Jesus!

-You okay, buddy?

-Oh, don't "okay, buddy" me.

Look, we just came by

to say we're gonna take

a little bike ride

and then

we're gonna come back

and check up on you.

And take care of him, okay?

I want you to get my little

angel up and running.

-Hang in there.

-I hope you flip

your bike over

and knock your

two front teeth out,

you selfish son of a bitch!

You leave me in the trenches

taking grenades, John!

♪ Ch-ch-ch-uh

ch-ch-ch-uh ♪

♪ Ch-ch-ch-uh

ch-ch-ch ♪

♪ In the summertime

when the weather is hot ♪

♪ You can stretch right up

and touch the sky ♪

♪ When the weather's fine ♪

♪ You got women, you got

women on your mind... ♪

♪ Have a drink,

have a drive ♪

♪ Go out and see

what you can find ♪

♪ We're no threat, people ♪

♪ We're not dirty,

we're not mean ♪

♪ We love everybody,

but we do as we please,

when the weather's fine ♪

♪ We go fishing or go

sailing in the sea ♪

♪ We're always happy ♪

♪ Life's for living,

yeah, that's our philosophy ♪

♪ Dah, dah-dah,

dah, dah... ♪

[man on TV]

Tough luck, Ralphie boy...

-Randolph.

-Shh.

I'm watching

my stories, man.

Is that what

you get paid to do?

It's exactly what I get

paid to do.

Look, I want to know

where Claire is.

She took a bike ride

down to the beach.

With who?

With that fellow

from the wedding

that everyone seems

to be so fond of.

[Claire]

So you're a venture

capitalist?

What does that mean?

[John]

Oh, it's really not that

interesting, actually.

[Claire]

You don't sound

very enthused.

[John]

Oh, no, it's just--

you know, things

started happening

and you go down a road

and you think

it's just

for a little while.

And then you get

caught up in it

and you're

kind of into it

and just don't

even have time

to really ask

questions about it.

And before you know it

you're living a life

that you didn't set out to,

or that you intended to.

Do you know

what I mean?

Yes, I do.

I think that there's

some great things

that I'd like to do,

that-that maybe I'm

capable of, hopefully.

Oh, yeah?

Like what?

I don't know.

We'll see.

I'm still young.

Well...

You're not

that young.

I'm sorry.

[giggles]

Give me your hands.

I know this game.

Okay.

I'm not gonna bite you.

Do you want it full speed

or half speed?

-Full.

-[both laugh]

You're never gonna hit me,

I don't think.

I'm pretty quick.

[laughing]

What?

-Let me get

settled before you go.

-You didn't approve of that?

No, because

you're supposed to--

You gotta wait

until I put them back!

Come on!

So what about you...

with Sack?

Is that a good thing?

Yes, I think it's

a... good thing.

You don't sound

very enthused.

I am.

I-- well, I mean,

I think I am, I--

I'm--

Okay.

I g-- You know,

we've just been

talking so much

about the future lately

and, uh...

I mean, I always assumed

that we would get married.

But, uh...

I'm scared.

I am.

But I think that

that's how everyone feels

before they're

about to get married.

I mean,

don't you think?

Yeah, no.

Don't answer that.

That's my rationalization

and I'm sticking to it.

Fair enough.

And I don't mean to pry.

Yes, you do.

Well, however it works out,

I hope you...

uh, I hope you realize

that you deserve

somebody great.

[clinks glass]

I have an announcement.

[exhales]

I know that we said

we were gonna wait, but, uh,

given the spirit,

of this weekend

well...

[giggles]

Claire, come on.

Come on.

Come on come on, it's okay.

Come on! Come on.

[sighs]

[both laugh]

Claire and I are

getting married.

[guests laughing,

cheering]

Good, Sack.

That's wonderful!

-Wonderful.

-Wonderful!

-[snoring]

-[man] way to go, man!

Way to go!

Claire Bear,

you never told me!

Two of the great

American families.

-Claire, you took us all

by surprise!

-[Sack] Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You're good!

You're good!

Can-can you just

give me one minute?

-Yeah!

-Okay.

-[Claire giggles]

-Great.

Congratulations,

young man!

-Welcome to the family!

-[man] This is wonderful!

[whispering]

Look, kid, I'm sorry.

You win some,

you lose some, right?

Let's go home.

-No, I'm not--

I can't-- I can't do that.

-What are you talking about?

Look, I-I think

I'm in love with her.

Yeah, I-- I-- I think--

I think that you're nuts.

That's what I think.

I'm gonna tell her

the truth.

Jesus Christ!

[giggling]

-Hey.

-Hey!

How are you!

Okay, listen, Gloria,

you know that I think

that you're an amazing person,

a really amazing person,

but I feel like I have

to be upfront with you.

I-I-I really don't see

this relationship going

further than this weekend.

But I love you!

Yeah, I think you'll learn

as time goes on

that there's a difference

between infatuation

and love, you know?

Obviously, you're gonna have

strong feelings for me

because you lost

your virginity to me,

but that doesn't mean--

Oh, I wasn't

a virgin.

-What?

-I wasn't a virgin.

Far from it.

I just thought

that that's what guys

wanted to hear.

Come on.

Jeremy!

Wow!

Hello, son.

-You okay?

-Not now, Father, please.

No offense to you,

I think we might be

on different wavelengths.

I think you'd just be

spinning your wheels with me,

but, uh, have a little

of the sacrament here.

No one likes

to drink alone.

We'll set you up.

There you go,

get your hands on it.

Take it while it's hot.

Take it while it's hot.

I'm gonna pour till it's

on the tray. Here it is.

Happy days.

Here's looking up your address.

She's good.

I believed

that she was a virgin.

It hurts to be lied

to like that.

It's a horrible feeling

to feel that way.

But I was looking

to take advantage

of something, too.

So could I really

feel that bad?

It's not like I was who I was.

You know what I'm saying?

So, fair play.

And let's be honest

with each other here, okay?

Let's put all

the cards on the table.

She's fit for a straitjacket.

This broad's fucked

three ways towards

the weekend.

And you wanna know what?

I dig it! It turns me on!

Yeah!

It turns me on!

Because you wanna know

what the kicker is, Father?

Maybe I'm a little

fucking crazy!

That's right!

Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.

Maybe there's

something about me

that I'm a little cuckoo.

I know it's a surprise.

I know it's not on the surface.

I had an imaginary

friend when I was a kid.

His name was Shilo!

We used to play checkers

with each other every day,

and bless his heart,

Shilo'd always let me win!

[chuckles]

And that ain't normal!

There's something odd in that,

but maybe that's what it takes

to make you feel like you're

connected with somebody.

I don't know!

But I know when that redhead

starts getting kooky

that something about me

feels alive inside!

I'm digging talking with ya.

You're a really

enlightened cat

and I like that about ya.

I think you're a special

special man.

Okay, come in

for the real thing.

-Mmm? Mmm?

-Get in here

for the real thing.

I love ya.

You're a sweet man.

Oh, dear God.

You can't marry this guy.

Why?

Because I've fallen

for you.

[phone ringing]

Oh, good news

travels fast.

Excuse me.

Sorry, thanks.

Thanks.

Trapster, talk to me.

No shit.

And do you maybe feel

the same way?

Maybe.

Maybe. That's all

I needed to know.

[exhales]

But this is crazy,

because I don't know any--

-Why?

-I don't know anything

about you!

-What do you mean?

-You do investments

in New Hampshire

-and you have a crazy brother--

-Well, actually, I need

to talk to you about that.

It's not a big deal,

but maybe you want

to sit back on the swing.

[gunshot]

-Run!

-[shouting]

Johnny! She's trying

to kill me!

[shouting]

-Grandma!

-Whoa whoa!

-Get the gun from her!

-Put the gun down!

-Mother, stop!

-This is the real world,

lady!

You can't just go

shooting people on a whim!

-What did you do?

-I told you that

in confidence!

That was a confession!

[panting]

What are you

talking about?

Why don't you

tell her, John?

-I don't know

what's going on.

-You don't know?

-I'm playing catch up, too.

-I don't--

-Sack, what are you doing?!

-Remembering yet?

You remember yet?

- Are you okay? Sack!

- They're not who they say

they are, Claire.

Those aren't even

their real names.

-No, everything he told you

is a lie.

-What?!

[Claire]

I-I don't understand

what you're saying.

Claire, they crash weddings.

They crash weddings

so that they can

sleep with girls.

Everything that

they have told us is

a complete fabrication.

No, you're joking.

All of it is a lie.

Don't you fucking get up.

-Sack, will you just stop?!

-Okay okay.

-[grunts]

-Is that true?

No, well, no, it's--

not entirely.

No, it's a yes or no

question.

I know,

but it's complicated.

Yes or no?

Yes or no?

Yes...

-with shades of grey.

-Oh.

[Jeremy]

I'm not perfect,

but who are we kidding?

Neither are you.

And you wanna know what?

I dig it!

Jeremy tried

to seduce me!

You did?

I want my

painting back.

The painting was

a gift, Todd.

I'm taking it with me.

You had me going, son.

I thought it was

something special.

There's a ferry

leaving in 10 minutes.

I suggest

you be on it.

Come on, let's go.

[whispers]

I want you.

[whispers]

I love you.

He made a fool

out of you, Claire.

Come on, let's go.

Sweetheart.

[quietly]

Now bunch those panties up

into a little ball.

Put that little ball

right in your mouth.

-Oh, that's good.

-Hang up the phone.

Okay, and I will

definitely call you

back later then.

-Come on, wrap it up.

-I'll talk to you soon.

Thank you, Larry.

What the fuck?

You can't knock anymore?

-I know how I can

get to her.

-What?

I know how I can

get to Claire.

Oh, John, you gotta

drop this thing.

I'm-- I can't do this

anymore with you, okay?

It's been months,

and you haven't heard

from her.

She hasn't returned

your phone calls,

she's never responded

to one of your letters,

-she didn't respond

to the candygram.

-Right.

God knows what happened

to the little kitten

that you got her.

Because she didn't keep it

and I know you're not raising

that goddamn thing.

-Okay.

-It's very obvious

at this juncture

that she just flat out

does not wanna see you.

I disagree.

Now look, they're having

the engagement party

for her tonight

at the Birch Club.

We're going at 7:30.

I'm not g--

John, I can't--

Okay okay, listen to me,

Tasmanian devil.

-Listen to me.

I can't go.

- Why?

'Cause I can't go,

because I have a schedule.

Because I have--

What is your deal?

What is your problem?

For the past

couple of months

you've been a ghost.

I can't find you anyplace,

and now I come to you

with an idea,

I put myself on the line,

you shoot it down with

your negativity.

Your goddamn negativity!

I don't need it!

I'm an idea man.

I thrive on enthusiasm.

Don't take the wind out

of my sails. I need you.

Buddy, you know

I love you,

and I hate to see you

like this,

but we gotta look

at reality here.

There's gonna be

Secret Service at this thing.

They have pictures of us.

There's not a shot in hell

we can get into this thing.

You're so cautious.

I'm more of a risk taker.

I'm two steps ahead of you

and 10 steps ahead

of Secret Service.

Oh, yeah. 46 extra long,

baba ganoush special.

[sighs]

We're waiters!

Buddy, for your own good,

you gotta let this thing go.

Now, I'm gonna

meet you there

at 7:30, okay?

Okay.

[knocking]

-Hey, how do I look?

-Good, man.

-Good.

-Where's your friend?

Late, as usual.

Is Claire--

-Oh, she's looking fine!

-Okay.

[slow foxtrot music

playing]

[Sack]

Next thing you know

they pick me up,

put me on the top

of this mountain

and they start chanting,

and I realized

-they thought I was God!

-[all laughing]

And I'll tell you something,

I thought I was too.

[Secretary Cleary]

Claire.

Let's dance.

-[music finishes]

-[guests applauding]

[slow polka music

playing]

You!

[laughs]

Okay, Sackmaster,

one more.

We should get back

to the bar.

You're right.

You get near

my fiancée again,

I'll kill ya.

Did you check out

the rack on that bartender?

Hey, you're the Sack.

She'll come to you.

Oh my God, yeah, she will.

You're right.

[grunting]

Jeremy!

♪ Everyone who's anyone

was there... ♪

-God damn it.

- ♪ They all had something

to share ♪

♪ About so-and-so

and on and on ♪

♪ I'm in the corner

speechless... ♪

Perfect.

Johnny, wait a second.

Come on, John!

Oh, what time is it?

John, will you

wait a second so I

can talk to you?

Hold on, man.

Will you stop? Stop--

I'm not gonna chase you

Down the whole

fucking street, man.

Hold on a second.

Let me talk to you

for a second here.

About what?

About how you left me

high and dry

-to get my ass kicked by Sack?

-Sack did that to you?

How long have you been

sneaking around with Gloria

-behind my back?

-I wanted to tell you

about Gloria.

I tried to.

I didn't know how.

And I'm sorry that you had

to find out this way.

I'll level with you.

I care about her a lot.

I love her.

What?!

You're unbelievable!

Judas!

Rule #5.

You're an idiot.

You're wrong to pull out

the rulebook on this.

There was never

any rules about this.

What's the rule

about walking away?

Never walk away on a crasher

in a funny jacket.

Rule #115.

You're an asshole.

♪ I'm awake ♪

♪ You're still sleeping ♪

♪ The sun will rise ♪

♪ Like yesterday ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ That we are now ♪

♪ Is everything ♪

♪ We can't let go ♪

♪ It's gone forever... ♪

[phone rings]

This is John.

[sighs]

Whatever.

- [machine beeps]

- Hey, John, it's Jeremy.

Uh, just calling to see

what you're up to, uh...

Would love to hear

back from you, man.

Play sharp.

And we'll do the wedding

in peaches and apricots.

Even though it's

a June wedding, should

the weather turn nasty,

warm colors will

really help you.

[planners continue

chattering]

♪ Don't you go away ♪

♪ Tomorrow... ♪

-[buzzes]

-johnny.

Johnny, open up, man.

Does anyone ever feel

like they're just...

disappearing?

I feel so much

like giving up.

[screaming]

Yeah!

-[guests scream]

-Get it?!

Put your hands out

like this.

-Claire.

-Please.

[sighs]

[laughs]

You're supposed

to move your hands.

You're not getting

enough attention?

Love doesn't exist!

That's what I'm trying

to tell you guys.

And I'm not

picking on love,

'cause I don't think

friendship exists either.

Hey! Yeah!

Are you okay?

Get up, buddy.

Move it on.

[Jeremy]

Gloria, I've been doing a lot

of soul-searching lately,

and I-I think

that I'm ready

to take, um,

this relationship,

our relationship

to the next level.

To what the next level

of the-- of the--

of the relationship

would be.

-[laughs] Jeremy!

-Is that good?

-I'm so ready to take it

to the next level too.

-Oh, my God--

Do you want to watch me

with a girl?

What about those

Brazilian twins we met

at the ballgame?

I-- I was-- I was--

I was thinking

more along the lines

of an-- of an--

of an engagement.

But that sounds terrific.

That sounds-- that sounds

unbelievable.

The Brazilian

girls were very nice.

They seemed like--

Oh, Jeremy, I do!

[moaning]

-I love you.

-I love you.

I-I can't believe that

they're getting married.

I mean don't you-you think

that's really soon?

Well, you know Gloria.

She's impetuous.

Has to have what she wants

when she wants it.

Well, we had to give her

a sweet 16

on her 13th birthday.

You remember that.

Yeah, I remember,

but this is--

Dad, this is marriage!

When you know what you want,

you know what you want.

So...

Which of these

do you like?

Um...

Well, I could--

I could go with the tall

tapered arrangement

with, uh, tulips

and freesias and orchids,

or I could go

with a votive

of roses and lilies,

I don't know.

-Claire Bear.

-Yeah?

What's wrong?

Look...

We have no way

of knowing

what lays ahead for us

in the future.

All we can do is

use the information

at hand

to make the best

decision possible.

It's gonna be fine.

-Your whole life

is gonna be fine.

-Yeah.

[knocks on door]

Happy birthday.

Can't let a little

pissing and moaning

break tradition.

Oh right,

that's today.

I see you've been getting

into a little light reading.

That's not mine.

I bought that

for a friend.

Yeah.

So how have you been?

-Great.

Really spectacular.

-Good.

-What have

you been up to?

-Eh, you know,

this and that.

Crashing weddings.

-Alone?

-No, not alone.

Well, who have you been

crashing with then?

Chaz.

-Chaz?

-Chaz.

-John, you don't even

know Chaz, don't--

-Yes, I do.

He's a great guy.

We've been having

a ball together.

All right, look,

I wanted to come by here

and tell you that I feel

really bad about everything

that's happened between us.

Your friendship means

a lot to me.

I miss seeing you.

I know, I--

Look, I'm--

I'm happy for you.

I'm glad

you found someone.

I can't tell you

how glad it makes me

to hear you

say that, man.

Get on in here,

let the big bear

get his paws on you.

You know I love you.

-It's good to see you.

-Good to see you.

Are you sure you've been--

this does not look

like a guy

-who's been okay.

-Oh, I know.

-It's like a pigsty.

-What happened? It's like

a mosh pit in here.

Listen,

I'm getting married.

-Get out.

-What?

You just sat there

and said that you were

happy for me, that I'm--

I'm hanging by a thread.

I'm reading don't-kill-

myself books.

-You said

that the book wasn't yours.

-Don't worry about the book.

It isn't mine,

but I glanced at it.

John, you've been

my friend

for 16 years.

I'm getting married.

I need you there

to be my best man.

Kindly leave!

-I'm try--

-Kindly leave.

Would mean a lot to me

if you came.

Oh, I bet it would,

hillbilly.

What?!

-White trash!

-What are you

talking about?

Out! Out!

You better get your ass

to that wedding.

[cartoon playing on TV]

-Yeah?

-Hi, is Chaz here?

[screams]

Chaz, there's someone

here to see you!

-[crashes]

-Pick up your

fucking skateboard!

Chaz?

What the fuck

do you want?

I'm John Beckwith.

I'm friends

with Jeremy grey.

God damn it,

why didn't you say so?

-[exhales]

-Come here, brother!

Give me a hug.

Bring it in

for the real thing!

[both chuckle]

Have a seat. Yeah.

God damn you!

I almost numbchucked you,

you don't even realize.

Ouch!

- Yeah.

-Hmm.

-Is this your place?

-No. No no no no no.

-No, I live with my ma.

-Oh.

Yeah. You hungry?

[screams]

Hey, Ma! Can we get

some meatloaf?

Chaz, I think I'm okay.

I had a bite

-right before I came over.

Thank you.

-You sure?

-So, how's my protégé?

-Jeremy, boy, he--

Yeah, J-bone.

J-bone is--

Believe it or not,

he's getting married.

What?!

[laughing]

[chuckles]

What an idiot!

Oh, what a loser!

Good good!

More for me and you.

-More for-- more for--

-[door opens]

[footsteps]

I gotta go.

[Chaz]

Hey, babe, yeah.

You do whatever

you have to do.

[moaning]

-Thanks.

-Okay, be strong.

[door closes]

I'm just

living the dream!

[both laughing]

That's unbelievable.

Oh, man,

I feel like, "wow!"

It's like I come over,

I don't know what to expect.

I gotta be honest,

I come in, it's like,

a little like

I'm trying to get

my bearings.

There's cartoons,

your mom, and it's like,

you still got it!

Look at her!

"Just living the dream,"

I love that!

You know what?

I will have some meatloaf.

Let's have some meatloaf.

You want some?

I knew you'd come--

Hey, Mom!

[screams]

The meatloaf!

We want it now!

The meatloaf!

[cartoon continues

playing]

What is she doing?

I never know what she's

doing back there.

"Just living the dream."

Where did you get

that girl?

-She's hot!

-I got her yesterday.

-Yesterday?

-Yeah.

I rode my bike over

to a cemetery nearby.

Her boyfriend just died.

-You met her at a funeral?

-Yeah.

The dude died

in a hang-gliding accident.

What an idiot!

[laughing]

"Oh, I'm hang gliding!

Honey, take a good picture--

I'm dead!"

What a freak!

[laughing]

You met her at a funeral.

Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding

every now and then,

but funerals are insane!

The chicks are so horny,

it's not even fair.

It's like fishing

with dynamite.

-Horny?

-Yeah, crazy horny.

I just--

At a funeral?!

Grief is nature's

most powerful aphrodisiac.

-Huh.

-Look it up.

-I didn't know that.

-That's what I've learned.

[screams]

Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!

Saturday--

I got one Saturday.

You're coming with!

Chaz, I'm--

I'm sorry, I don't--

I'm not judging you,

'cause I think you're

an innovator, but...

there's no way

I'm ready for that.

[priest]

A time to plant,

and a time to pluck up

that which is planted;

A time to kill

and a time to heal;

A time to break down

and a time to build up;

A time to weep

-and a time to laugh;

-[sobbing]

[exaggerated sobbing]

-A time to cast away stones--

-[Chaz] So senseless.

Damn you, Roger.

Roger!

[sobbing loudly]

[screaming]

Oh!

Damn you, Roger!

Damn it!

Damn you!

[Chaz]

I'm in pain.

I'll try to fight it.

Try to fight it.

I don't know

about you people,

but I'm in pain.

I know that there

is no good in them

for man to rejoice

and to do good in his life...

[priest]

For that which befalleth

the sons of men,

befalleth beasts.

Even one thing befalleth,

as the one dieth,

so dieth the other.

Yea, they all have

one breath,

so that a man

hath no preeminence

above the beast.

While each man thinks

he knows love,

love, we have learned,

is a mystery.

That's what makes today

So special.

We witness two people

choosing to marry

ones they truly love.

[door slams]

Whoa whoa, hey!

Hey hey!

He's the best man.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I don't believe this.

Hat in hand.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm glad you're here.

And-- and I'm sorry

I called you white trash.

-I didn't--

-John, apology accepted.

And I'm sorry I called

you a hillbilly,

I don't even know

what that meant.

John, it's okay.

Do you mind

if I get married now?

No, go ahead.

[whispering]

Hi, Todd.

Although we may choose

whom we marry,

-we don't always choose...

-Psst.

Claire, I'm not here

to bother you,

I just came

to be his best man.

Don't worry about me.

Pretend I'm not here.

Okay.

I'm not a nut.

You look really pretty,

by the way.

That's all

I'm gonna say.

I can't stop

thinking about you.

It's all I think about

and I don't know what to do.

-Ahem.

-I'm sorry.

[priest]

You see, love is mysterious.

God, I miss you.

Okay, excuse me,

I'm sorry.

[crowd murmuring]

Claire, hold on a second.

Claire, Claire!

Claire, will you wait

just a second?

All I wanted was

a second alone

so I could try

to explain things.

But I've never gotten

that chance.

Maybe I don't deserve it.

So here goes.

For longer than I care

to remember,

my business has been

crashing weddings.

I crashed weddings

to meet girls.

Business was good.

I met a lot of girls.

And it was childish,

it was juvenile--

And pathetic.

Yeah, that's probably

the best word

to describe it.

But you know what?

It also led me to you.

So it's hard for me

to completely regret it.

And that person that you met

back at your folks' place--

That was really me.

Maybe not my name--

I'm John Beckwith

by the way-- or my job,

but the feelings we felt,

the jokes,

the stupid laughs--

that was all me.

I've changed.

I've realized something.

-I crashed a funeral

earlier, and I--

-[crowd muttering]

Oh, Jesus.

It wasn't my idea.

I was basically

dragged to it.

I went with Chaz,

who you forgot to tell me

is totally insane.

He also might be

a genius

because it actually does work.

He's cleaning up.

-John.

-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That's neither here

nor there.

And I see this widow

and she's a wreck.

She's just lost the person

she loves the most

in this world.

And I realized

we're all gonna lose

the people we love.

That's the way it is.

But not me,

not right now.

Because the person

I love the most is

standing right here,

and I'm not ready

to lose you yet.

Claire, I'm not

standing here asking you

to marry me.

I'm just asking you...

not to marry him.

And maybe take a walk.

Take a chance.

Wow! Wow!

This congregation

really doesn't care

about how depressing

your life is, John, okay?

Claire, baby, could you

just-- could you go back

up on the altar

so we can have

a wedding?

I'm sorry.

I am.

[Sack] What?

[whispers]

I can't marry you.

[laughs]

Secretary...

Your daughter's a little--

[chuckles]

Sack, I've always

liked you...

so I put up

with your stories

about scallops

and otters,

and it's all good

because you seemed

to make her happy

and that's what matters

to me most.

But this is

her decision.

Huh.

I stand by my daughter.

You don't know shit.

-Claire, go back up

on the altar.

-No.

Claire! Claire, get up

on that altar right now.

-Stop it.

-Claire, get your fucking ass

on that altar right now!

Wow, getting a nice

preview

of what marriage

is gonna be like

with Ike Turner here.

-Sack!

-Oh God, here it goes.

Share that with

the Dalai Lama, jackass.

[guests muttering]

-I think I had him.

-I know you did.

Just go

kiss the broad.

[moaning]

Would it be a total cliché

if I kissed you right now?

Yes.

[guests cheering,

applauding]

Just wonderful.

[sobbing]

So damn beautiful!

With every death

there comes rebirth.

It's the circle of life.

We're gonna be

all right.

[quietly]

Hey.

Uh-uh-uh.

[continues sobbing]

Hey.

Uh-uh!

[women laughing]

-So, what's next?

-I'm starving.

Fujimora wedding,

3:00 P.M.

-Hey hey.

-[Gloria giggles]

I'm just throwing it out.

I'm just saying, just--

They would have

great tempura.

We don't even have

a back story, I just...

-No, forget it, forget it.

-I'm talking out loud.

We're a folk-singing group

from Salt Lake City!

Yeah!

[laughing]

-Yes we are.

-[laughs]

[women scream]

♪ In the morning

don't say you love me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'll only kick you

out of the door ♪

♪ Stay with me... ♪

[fast rock music

playing]

♪ Measure me

in metered lines ♪

♪ And one decisive stare ♪

♪ The time it takes ♪

♪ To get from here

to there ♪

♪ My ribs that show

through t-shirts ♪

♪ And these shoes

I got for free ♪

♪ I'm unconsoled ♪

♪ I'm lonely ♪

♪ I am so much better ♪

♪ Than I used to be ♪

♪ And I'm leaning ♪

♪ On this broken fence ♪

♪ Between past

and present tense ♪

♪ And I'm losing ♪

♪ All those stupid games ♪

♪ That I swore ♪

♪ I'd never play ♪

♪ But it almost

feels okay ♪

♪ Circumnavigate

this body ♪

♪ Of wonder ♪

♪ And uncertainty ♪

♪ Armed with every

precious failure ♪

♪ And amateur cartography ♪

♪ I'm breathing deep

before ♪

♪ I spread those maps out ♪

♪ On my bedroom floor ♪

♪ And I'm leaning ♪

♪ On this broken fence ♪

♪ Between past

and present tense ♪

♪ And I'm losing ♪

♪ All those stupid games ♪

♪ That I swore ♪

♪ I'd never play ♪

♪ But it feels okay ♪

♪ And I'm leaving ♪

♪ With goodbye ♪

♪ And I'm losing ♪

♪ But I'll try ♪

♪ With the last ways left ♪

♪ To remember sing ♪

♪ My imperfect offering ♪

[slow ballad playing]

♪ Sailing on this boat

away tonight ♪

♪ Thinking I might drown

if the waves aren't right ♪

♪ Wind pushing me

from side to side ♪

♪ And I'm thinking ♪

♪ Of what I had ♪

♪ And my sweetheart ♪

♪ And my sweetheart ♪

♪ And if I never see you ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ I just want you to know ♪

♪ What I think ♪

♪ Sunday took me out

for a walk in the park ♪

♪ And as the dark ran round,

the track lights lit up ♪

♪ People running round

in their shorts in the rain ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ And again ♪

♪ Thinking that you're

my sweetheart ♪

♪ You're my sweetheart ♪

♪ I can hardly see

the road ♪

♪ But I'm gonna try ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm gonna try ♪

♪ 'Cause you're

my sweetheart ♪

♪ You're my sweetheart ♪

♪ And if I never see you ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ I just want you to know ♪

♪ What I think ♪

♪ If you've got to run ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll be there ♪

♪ If you've got to run ♪

[rock guitar playing]

♪ Now Kiri waits it out ♪

♪ But she's only young

enough for some things ♪

♪ Healing the sick

and dumb ♪

♪ And low on the radar,

the smoking gun ♪

♪ We're moving fast enough

to function ♪

♪ Fast enough

to function ♪

♪ Maybe it's me ♪

♪ 'Cause I seem to think

in twos and threes ♪

♪ You find your open door ♪

♪ And through the skids

I sail ♪

♪ And keep that love ♪

♪ Underground ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh. ♪