Original subtitles

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[LOBOTOMOMMIES, "NEW MOON"]

(SINGING) Welcome to the moon

[SQUEALS]

(SINGING) Bet you didn't guess we'd get here so soon

Ha-ha-ha, ha!

Well, welcome to the moon

Hey, there is cheese here

Wow!

And look over there

It's Richard "Gare"

I think it's Gear

Hey, Richard Gear

What are you doing here?

There's moon gerbils walking arou, wah, ah, ah, ound

[YELPS]

(SINGING) Let's do the moon wiggle

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Do you know, ooh, the moon wiggle?

You just wiggle like you're on the moo, ooh, ooh, oon

We don't like the sun

Moon wiggle, let's do the moon boogie

Let's do the moon boogie

Yeah, the moon boogie and the moon wiggle

Are two very different dances

But you can learn to do

Both of them if you want

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I hope you enjoy your time on the moon, yeah

It's really nice this time of year on the moon

Ha, screw the sun

Yeah, ah

The moon is number one, oh yeah

Mm, woo, woo!

[VOCALIZING]

Moon!

Yummy, I love cheese

It's so Gouda

No sun, no sun ever

And I've always believed in you.

How would you like to join our cult?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[ORCHESTRAL SWELL]

[KNOCKING]

Come in!

[SUSPENSEFUL CHORAL MUSIC]

[SINGING IN LATIN]

Uh, are you Sally?

Hell, yeah.

You must be Jacqueline.

You mind if I call you Jackie?

Yeah, in fact, I do.

I hate it when people call me Jackie.

I can't wait to make you my pitch, Jackie.

I was expecting an office.

Well, I'm putting every dollar I have into this network,

so an office would be a wasted expense.

Is it though?

I could produce a whole new series for the amount of money

it would cost for me to rent and furnish an office.

So, uh, what do you say?

Let's-- let's take a load off.

Park it on the sofa, Jackie.

[TUNING FORK RINGS]

Everyone gets forked in this house.

OK, so investing in your network

is going to be very expensive.

I'm going to need you to blow me away with your pitch.

You're gonna need me to blow you?

I need you to blow me away.

Because if you back the network,

I'd be happy to blow you, if you're into that.

Give me the pitch.

Yeah.

OK.

I want a network that shows nothing but comedy shows, yeah,

by people in funny shorts.

[GIGGLES] Similar to the ones I am wearing right now.

Woo!

Woo!

Yeah!

Get it!

Get, it.

So all comedy programming by people in comedy shorts--

boom!

So the concept isn't too bad, but the idea of these actors

walking around in goofy-looking shorts, that's a bit lame.

Well, I'm not married to the shorts,

although they're so cute.

[SIGHS] I also meant to tell you that we will show no stinking

commercials, none whatsoever.

So then we're only going to show good commercials?

No.

No commercials.

I can't back your network that has

no way of making any revenue.

Well, yeah, I see that.

What I meant to say was, no stinky commercials,

only good commercials, but no-name stars.

I want a big-name star.

Oh.

How do you feel about Ron Jeremy?

Ew, isn't he in prison?

I have connections with the penal system.

Get me Kim Kardashian.

I want Kim.

Well, if I get you Kim Kardashian,

will you back the project?

OK, if you can get me Kim Kardashian

and follow these rules--

so I don't want to see any jokes about yoga,

no air-headed strippers, no Christmas sketches, hmm, nothing

about aliens viewing the world through a snow globe,

and no parody reality TV sketches.

Jackie, you've got yourself a deal!

And next time I want to see an office.

OK.

Uh, by the way, is that a hard no about any

show involving reality TV?

Hi, I'm Sally, and I'm the real-life wife of a garbage man.

Hey, someone's got to pick up the trash.

I pick up trash for union wages,

just like I picked up her.

Oh, honey, come on.

It's on TV.

Don't make us look like trash.

DIRECTOR: Ed, there's nothing up on the green screen.

Put image up.

Should I say something?

DIRECTOR: Just keep talking.

All right.

You're doing fine, honey.

So my husband, he's driving his truck.

And he has to stop his truck.

And the cars behind him, they're just honking.

It got messy.

He's gotta pick up those garbage cans

with those robo arms, honking and honking behind him.

His hearing is so screwed up from the honking,

he can't hear me call him in to dinner!

Honey, honey, sometimes I think

it's kind of a good thing I can't hear you.

We'll see if you can hear this.

Your [BLEEP] dick smells like garbage.

There's a reason for that.

Where do you think I've been putting it?

Shut up!

[GROANS]

DIRECTOR: Switch the background.

Switch the background.

This is for the "Garbage Wife's" pilot,

not the "Scientology Slide Show."

You want me to say something?

You want me to switch the outfit up a little bit?

You know, it's like, too sexy.

Because I wanted to show trash could be sexy, you know?

Trash is sexy.

You're sexy, honey.

DIRECTOR: No, shut up!

You're fine.

DIRECTOR: Just keep talking, Dolly.

You want me to shut up and keep talking?

[GENTLE PIANO MELODY]

I feel like maybe I should say something romantic.

Everything you say is--

I pick up trash for a living--

Yeah.

--kind of like I--

Just keep it in the can.

--picked up this one here.

Are you finished?

Oh!

OK, guys, the last pilot for "The Real Wives of Garbage Men"

is complete trash.

The network wouldn't touch it.

Hey, I've got an idea, man.

How about "The Real Housewives of Sharks?"

It's never been done, man.

Dude, you need to lay off the weed.

That is the worst idea I've ever heard, Ed.

Yeah, I mean, for real, who the hell

would have sex with a shark?

Ooh, yes, I love that shark.

[MOANS] Oh, no, no.

[GROWLS] Take it.

Take it like a shark.

Uh, come on, you could get crabs.

Hello.

I'm surrounded by idiots.

This bimbo brings me pencils.

It's the 21st century.

I asked for coffee, not a pencil.

You're lucky you have good oral presentation skills

because you are the worst secretary.

I'm sorry, boss, I mean, master.

I forgot which one you wanted me to call you.

I have to get away from these morons.

You're all fired.

What?

We are not shooting "The Real Housewives of Sharks."

(SINGING) Real Housewives of Sharks

We're the Real Housewives of Sharks

Is that good?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

I'm Sherry, and I'm the real housewife of a shark.

So how I first met my husband, I was a waitress

at a sushi restaurant.

And I was serving him that fish.

And it was just love at first sight.

Frankly, I was in a real bad mood, on my period,

cramping real hard.

But there was just something about him.

It's like he was attracted to me and I really

needed that attention.

So we got married later that day.

[WHIP CRACKS]

I do.

["HERE COMES THE BRIDE" PLAYING]

[WHIP CRACKS]

And I got fired for messing around

on the job, if you know what I mean.

[WHIP CRACKS]

So when my husband and I were broke,

he ended up getting a job working

as a mascot for that San Jose hockey team, the Sharks.

They treated him like a piece of meat.

Little kids would hit him with their hockey sticks,

thinking that's so funny.

You know?

That's not funny.

It got real hard on our marriage.

And he started drinking a lot.

What?

[ARGUING]

I suspected he was cheating.

I mean, he'd come home smelling fishy

while I was pregnant with our baby.

I'll show you.

[SIGHS] I'll never really know if he was cheating on me,

but it turned out that he drank himself to death.

So I was forced to be a single mom.

So I had to get a job to support me in the family.

So I met Daddy Juicy.

Daddy Juicy introduced me to the mean streets

and how to make a quick buck.

[UPBEAT ELECTRO HIP HOP INSTRUMENTAL]

[WHIP CRACKS]

Y'all want to meet my little baby?

He left me when I was pregnant, so he didn't even

get a chance to meet his little-- little angel.

And you know, he's a spitting image,

he looks just like his dad.

I mean, whenever he sees Shark Week, he's like, daddy?

No, honey, daddy's in heaven.

Or he's running around on some big farm

with all the other sharks.

Anyway, that's my story.

I'm the real housewife of shark.

So, Chad, do you like older women?

I love older women.

Would you put your tongue in my butthole?

No, Chad, I'm not going to do that.

What about your finger?

Not going to happen.

Would you put a chocolate covered banana in my butthole?

Hi, I'm Sally, and I'm a cougar.

This is a public service announcement addressing

the concerns of cougars.

Don't let us cougars go extinct.

Help cubs step up their game.

Is there something you'd like to order?

I was kind of thinking you could order for us both.

I'm kind of in between jobs right now.

Really?

Yeah, I had to take the bus here.

Can I call you mommy?

Dial 1-800-LUV-CUGR.

Help us cougars before we become extinct.

Ask about our scholarship program.

So, where are you from?

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Sunday meeting

of Bad Actors Anonymous.

Those of you who know me know that I was a boom operator

for 12 years in the biz.

And in that time, I recorded a lot of bad acting.

But, uh, this program saved my life,

and it's my hope that it will help you too.

So who'd like to come up and share first?

Oh, Tina.

OK.

Thank you.

Awesome.

My name is Tina.

Hi, Tina.

Hi, Tina.

And I am a bad actress.

Absolutely every line I have ever

delivered in the entire history of my acting career

has been 150% over the top and beyond even a second's worth

of belief.

Every time I come within a mile of Shakespeare,

I call my sponsor and she talks me down.

Go, sister.

I can't thank you enough for your support.

[APPLAUSE]

Al, would you like to come up and share?

Thank you.

[EXHALES] Hello.

My name is Al.

Hi, Al.

And I'm a bad actor.

I have never seen a dramatic pause

that I did not fully embrace.

I'd like to thank all the little people, like my sponsor,

for getting me where I am today without long pauses.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

Leah, would you like to come share?

OK.

Thank you.

Hi, my name is Leah and I'm a bad actress.

Speak up!

[CLEARS THROAT] Hah-- hi, my name is Leah.

I'm a bad actress.

Some people say I mumble, but I don't think I do.

Stop mumbling.

We can't hear you.

I am-- I'm not mumbling.

I'm not-- I'm not mumbling.

No.

[SPARSE APPLAUSE]

I think we could do one more.

Geno?

Uh, yeah.

Sure, whatever, yeah.

Great.

Thank you.

(ITALIAN ACCENT) How you doing?

How you doing?

I'm Geno.

And Geno.

Some might say that I'm a bad actor, if you know what I mean.

(FAUX BRITISH ACCENT) I'm one of those performers who

can't resist the temptation to dulge into every accent

imaginable.

And, by my God, they all stink to bloody high heaven.

(SOUTHERN ACCENT) I tried calling my sponsor.

And, um, well, my sponsor's really powerless

to have any influence upon me and my bad accents.

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMS]

Anyone else here want to do some bad acting with no remorse?

Great.

Well, we have our next meeting next Sunday.

Please be on time.

Hello, I'm Ron Jeremy.

I know a little bit about making money,

so let me give you some really good advice about making money.

If you really want to make a lot of money,

just become a hot chick.

Because hot chicks always make money.

So put on my trusty wig.

I fix my brassiere so my boobs look just right.

Get a little bit of cleavage.

And if I go like this, I can get into any club, nightclub,

restaurant, disco, laundromat, supermarket,

and I can go right to the front of the line.

Because I'm now a hot chick, you know?

You get what you want, when you want it, how you want it.

Money just flies in your face.

Because all these guys who are either rich or poor or anywhere

in between want to give you money.

Because, A, they want to be seen with you too.

Two, they want to play hide the bacon with you.

[POP] Right into the vagina.

So they want that too.

So just become a hot chick.

This is how you're gonna make a lot of money.

Listen to Uncle Ronnie.

What would I lie to you for?

I like to make money myself.

ANNOUNCER 1: Miss Smart Stripper 1994

is brought to you by Cheap Chuck's Gently Used Sex Toy

Emporium on Main Street.

Come on down.

Come on down to Chuck's now, immediately.

(SINGING) Miss Smart Stripper 1994 Award

She's amazing right down to her core, core, core

Miss Smart Stripper, she's read a book

She read a book once, once, once

Miss Smart Stripper 1994 Award

OMG, are you nervous about the award?

Just a little bit, yeah.

I'm scared to even talk to you.

Like, I mean, you're winning the world's smartest stripper award.

I'm afraid to say something stupid.

Don't be.

I put my stripper heels on one at a time, just like you.

Oh, god.

That's so genie.

Does this mean you're, like, the smartest stripper in Reseda?

Actually, I think it means I'm the smartest

stripper in the entire world.

Wow.

How did they even know that?

Did you have to do something to get it?

No, no, all I had to do was take a test.

And I passed the test, of course.

OK, now, Veronica, you're gonna answer these questions,

but there's going to be a little twist.

You have to do jumping jacks while you're

doing the questions.

There you go.

You can begin now.

OK.

First up, is the west ocean on the west side of the country,

or is it on the east side of the country?

The west ocean is on the west side.

Correct.

Yes!

Next up.

Anal sex, does it take place in the mouth or the butt?

Anal sex takes place in the butt!

That is correct.

OK, yeah!

I would just die if I had somebody ask

me all those hard questions.

Though, I do think I could get the anal one right.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, well, not all the questions were that easy,

yeah.

Do you know Jenna Rose?

Jen?

Jen who?

I don't think I-- why do you ask?

I don't think I know the name.

I heard she runs some stripper skating contest,

and is pretty smart.

Hey, so you won.

Real cool, huh?

Yeah.

It's nice.

Have you seen my trophy?

Yeah, I think I saw it.

Is that, like, real gold or something?

Yeah, actually it is.

Good job out there.

Runner-up isn't too bad.

Maybe you'll win next year.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, if there is a next year, yeah.

[SIGHS] [MOANS] Well, hey, I gotta go change my baby's diaper

before I start my shift.

Sometimes I keep this little rascal warm with me

out on the ice, if you know what I mean.

I love those little things, those little "babies,"

you call them?

You know what?

Hand him over.

I'll watch him.

I'll watch him while you go to work, yeah.

Oh my god, will you?

Could you even breastfeed it for me?

You got it.

I love to feed things with my boobs.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, I love to feed things with my boobs.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, I'll watch him.

Yeah.

I got your baby now!

Yeah!

Not my tiny baby!

Oh, you want your tiny little baby?

No!

Give him back!

Look, if you want him back, you give me that trophy,

and you do not show up to the final testing round.

Because I am going to win Miss Smart Stripper 1994.

I am gonna win Miss Smart Stripper!

Hold on, hold on, baby or trophy?

Oh, a baby corpse will make a nice, good trophy.

OK, OK, OK, OK.

Although, this isn't gold.

You can have it, the trophy.

OK, got it.

I will give you back the baby once you do not show up

to the final testing round.

I am going to won--

I'm gonna win Miss Smart Stripper 1994 once and for all.

You know what?

That Jenna Rose girl, she does sound pretty smart,

but I did win the world's smartest stripper, so.

Of course.

Here's your crown.

[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

Wow, It looks great.

It's going to feel really good to give my acceptance speech,

you know?

What's that?

You know, it's the speech where I thank my daddy for,

like, the opportunities I've been given, you know,

the fact that I'm winning this award.

Oh, right.

Well, maybe next year I can win.

What-- what year is it again?

ANNOUNCER 1: And now a word, word, word from our sponsor,

Miss Smart Stripper '94 brought to you by Cheap Chuck's Gently

Used Sex Toy Emporium.

Slashing through prices.

Cheap Chuck's Sex Toy Emporium.

Coming all over high prices.

Free lube with every purchase.

ANNOUNCER 2: (IMITATING GROVER) This program also

brought to you by Discount Dick's Dildos and Harry's Hotdog

Haven.

We will beat the competitors--

off!

Fritz.

Yes, master, I brought your companion animal.

Give me my muse.

Now, sit down.

Yes, master.

Do something to amuse me.

Yes, amuse us.

With banana?

I perform with banana.

I make sexy dance for my master's pleasure.

One banana, two banana like lips,

like big, pouty yellow lips.

I sexy.

Oh, yeah.

(SINGING) I do sexy dance.

I love machine.

I sex machine.

I move my pelvis up and down.

I make sexy dance.

Hit that.

(SINGING) I make sexy dance in my pants.

I peel banana.

I peel banana.

I make sexy in my mouth.

[HARMONIZING]

[SNIFFING]

[MOANS]

(SINGING) I do sexy dance in my pants

[SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

The muse.

Did you see the way he walked?

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

It's coming to me.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

My next single.

(SINGING) I can hardly contain myself.

You have take control of my body

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Make me sweaty.

Make me sexy.

[VOCALIZING]

I'm about to lose control!

[VOCALIZING]

Get on table now!

[VOCALIZING]

All right.

I want to snort the drugs like an American.

Right there.

I want to wear sunglasses like American movie star.

Go, Fritz, go to the cocaine.

Go Fritz.

Take it.

It's like sugar, like powdered sugar.

American dollar, American dollar.

Did I do it right?

We chant together.

It's spiritual.

Oh, I like the beat.

Get the fuck out of my backstage room!

[SCREAMS]

Where's my gun?

[GRUNTS]

Where's my gun?

Get the fuck out of here!

Oh, god, there's no gun.

There's no gun.

Get the fuck out!

Oh, no!

Get the fuck out of here!

[YELLING]

Get the fuck out!

I'm leaving!

Stop right there!

[SCREAMS]

Hello.

I'm the mayor of Reseda, and I'm saying to you,

welcome to Reseda.

Where dreams come true.

[LOBOTOMOMMIES, "RESEDA"]

Reseda, it's all you need-a.

(SINGING) Come on down to Reseda

Well, the mayor will meet ya

Take a dip in the Reseda Riva'

Oh, don't mind that cadava'

Check out the wildlife here

Cool off with an ice-cold beer

Come stay at our 1.5 star motel

Come see the things we sell

Stay away from that shark

Avoid Canoga Park

Reseda, it's all you need-a

Reseda, where Karate Kid was filmed.

Hi-yah!

Visit us on the world wide web.

[MODEM CHIRPING, WHIRRING]

Reseda, it's all you need-a.

So, Mr. Goldstein, what makes you

think that you will be a successful elf at our department

store?

Well, um, for starters, I should emphasize--

I mean, you can probably tell-- but I'm--

I'm short, much like an elf.

We don't use the S-word.

The S-word?

Yes, we support all employees of every race, creed, and size.

Oh, of course, of course.

You know, our last elf employee,

he just didn't understand.

Really?

Well, why?

What did he do?

No, no, I am not permitted to tell you that.

Oh.

Let's just say that we do not tolerate

any inappropriate comments about the anatomy

of a female customer.

Oh, gosh, I would never.

Um, so let-- let me ask you what, um--

what makes a good elf?

I mean, like I said, I'm the right height for the job,

but what-- what are you looking for, really?

I'm kind of jolly.

Oh, no Santa Claus needs to be jolly.

An elf needs to be pleasant.

Oh, I-- I can be very pleasant.

I mean, look at this pleasant face.

My mom thinks I'm pleasant.

What-- what do you--

seriously, what are you looking for in an ideal candidate

for elf?

Oh, we provide the elf training.

Elf training?

What's that like?

Is this like, you know, like top--

Oh, no, I'm not permitted to tell you.

Because you are just a candidate.

We don't tell you until you're officially hired.

Why?

Is elf training, like, some kind of big secret?

Well, yes, Mr. Goldstein, it is.

Ira, please call me Ira.

I'm a very informal person.

OK, Ira.

Why don't you sell yourself to me.

You know, give it your all.

What can you bring to the elf table?

I can bring a lot of chutzpah, that's for sure.

Um.

Oh, please sit down for this interview.

Oh, I-- I had a little elf-- elf dance that I've been

practicing.

Oh, OK, that's fine.

Um, no song and dance.

So, well, first of all, like I mentioned, I'm--

I'm height appropriate.

And I got a lot of energy.

And you can't really see it in me right now, but I'm--

I'm like, when I get going, I'm like a Roman candle.

I just shoot off through the roof.

I mean, and I don't go through any roof,

literally, like some short--

S-word.

Um, uh, the costumes, I mean, the-- the tights, the hat,

whatever you want me to wear, I'm fine with it,

no matter how silly it is.

And kids, oh, god, little kids, I just love 'em.

I love 'em so much, I could just hold them and squeeze them

all day.

I love little kids.

I know I maybe sound a little bit anxious,

but please, please, ma'am, just give me a chance, OK?

To be honest, I probably meet a few of your minority

requirements in the very least.

Did I mention I'm agreeable to wearing ridiculous costumes?

Mom.

Mom, I can't stand this costume.

It itches.

And it looks ridiculous.

Please, can I just stay with you for the holidays?

I'll get a job in the new year, I promise.

Mr. Goldstein.

I gotta go.

Yeah, you can call me Ira.

I'm Vicky.

I'm your boss.

You got that?

Yeah, sure.

I'm the reason you got hired.

You got that?

Thank you.

Yeah, is this part of my training?

Are you getting sassy with me?

No, not at all.

OK, you're gonna make these kids happy.

Got it.

But do not touch these babies' mamas, you understand?

No touching mamas, no groping or anything.

Yeah, I got it, sure.

All right, too much.

Do you smile?

I need to see smiles.

Kids gotta be happy.

OK, how's this?

Is this a good smile?

That's creepy.

No smiles.

OK, no smile.

Losing the smile, got it.

What else do I got to know?

OK, this is your job.

You're going to be working with Stacy.

The kids take pictures with Stacy.

They're gonna be--

Stacy.

Stacy.

Can I write that down?

Write it down later.

I ain't got that kind of time.

Stacy for pictures, Stacy for--

Mrs. Claus is Keone.

Keone.

And Rod is Santa Claus.

Santa Claus?

Direct the kids to Rod's lap.

Rod's lap, got it.

He's like-- like, a Santa?

He's Santa Claus.

What the hell?

And do not touch these kids, you understand?

OK, no-- no touching the kids.

No touching the mother, got it.

The last elf got axed because he was handsy.

Get that?

I got it.

I got it.

Any questions?

Now, when do we break for lunch?

So, no questions.

Awesome.

Hey, you want a taco?

I made it at home.

Is it kosher?

Uh, I don't know what that means, but it's gluten free.

Sure.

It's like the hundredth time today

that the little kid's peed on me.

Hey, little honey, mind if I do a little,

uh, bump off your baby bump?

[SNIFFS]

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't-- don't get us all fired cause of you're mashugana coke

habit, OK?

We all got bills to pay and 401(k)s, OK?

This is pretty good for-- for hippy food.

I haven't had a taco--

Midget, I can't have you causing trouble for me!

Because without Santa, there's no Christmas

for any of you suckers.

Ow.

Sure.

Don't be mean to him.

We need two elves.

You can't get him fired like you did to the last one.

I don't understand a damn thing you're saying right now.

But I'd love you to join me in the bathroom

for a little private time.

Woo, building is sweating it's so hot.

It is hotter than Rudolph's balls outside.

Listen, we got kids waiting to meet with Santa.

We ain't got time for your white folk nonsense.

I will bust you in the face with a bag of gluten

if you don't get out there and do your job.

But-- but this blowhard Santa here,

he's snorting all the snow back there and--

Oh, you are killing me, you little elf bitch.

There are kids waiting.

They have to each meet with Santa,

or people are gonna come here with their SUVs

and fire us all for ruining Christmas.

Ira, you know why Hanukkah is not at the malls?

Nobody gives a damn about your candles and your gibberish.

Now, despite our differences, I still hired you.

Get out there and do your job.

But-- but--

but Hanukkah's the best--

Oh, god, you suck!

Not even good enough to be a leprechaun.

This is your last week here.

You want your last check?

Get out there and do your job.

Ain't nobody got time for your gibberish!

[GROANS]

That Nazi shiksa!

["WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

Look, Ira, you're getting really worked up.

You're getting really stressed out.

What you need to do is you need to go to yoga with me.

And you need to--

Yoga?

Yes, you need to relieve some stress.

Isn't that, like--

yoga, that's, like, a stretching class?

Yeah.

Why would I want to pay money for a stretching class?

Look, I have a two-for-one deal, and you can--

Two for one?

Yeah, we can go together.

Two for one?

That's great, because if you have two for one, then

you'll still have half left over.

Isn't that right, little midget buddy?

Little pigeon-sized guy?

I'd love to do some, uh, downward doggy with you.

[FOOTSTEPS]

[VOCALIZING]

OK, let's go to yoga.

OK, let's go to yoga.

[AMBIENT MUSIC]

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't see you.

Namaste, friend.

Namaste.

Oh.

Watch it.

Sorry.

Moody.

Is this the yoga class?

OK, cool.

So I'm substituting for Lola.

She had to do something.

I had kind of a rough night last night, break up.

So if you guys would just take it a little easy on me,

I'd appreciate it.

No shouting.

OK, so let's all begin.

Let's start in down dog.

You're just going to go like this.

You know, just stick your bum in the air

like you just don't even care, OK?

And go ahead and walk your dog, because I know we all

get stiff legs just laying on our backs all the time,

doing whatever we got to do.

Does anybody have a lighter?

No.

OK.

Take a deep breath in.

And just let it out.

OK?

[ALL MOANING]

[ADA JONES, "ANY LITTLE GIRL, THAT'S A NICE LITTLE GIRL,

IS THE RIGHT LITTLE GIRL FOR ME"] Any little girl that

's a nice little girl is that right little girl for me

Any little girl wants a nice little girl

is the right little girl--

Hey, Mom.

Sorry, this isn't a good time.

I'm on a date right now, actually.

This is not a date.

Is she a Jewish girl, at least?

'Cause those chicks are bimbos.

Carry their mattresses everywhere they go just

to get some of that holy seed.

Shh!

Cell phone radiation is magnified at this temperature.

You're exposing us to excess radiation in here.

(SINGING) Any little girl that's a nice little girl

If I wanted to hear show tunes right now,

I'd go to my boyfriend's house.

This is just ridiculous.

Seriously.

Everyone, I had a rough night, OK?

My boyfriend hit me.

He hit me.

Of course, I drink!

My boyfriend beats me!

[HARMONIZING]

OK, OK, I get it.

It's my first time in yoga, Jesus-- uh, Vishnu, whatever.

Honey, you better shut your butt before I shut it for you.

Charles, frustration is high right now because Uranus

is in retrograde.

Just breathe in and let it out.

Namaste.

I want you to bend down and touch your toes--

no, not what's in between.

I know that you can touch that just fine.

I'll tell you what, I've spent some time on my back lately.

I've got some stuff been knocked out a place.

I could use a little alignment.

Tell that to your sponsor.

This isn't, like, the AA.

OK, class, now we're gonna do the human chair pose.

So I want you all to put your hands in the air

and just kind of sit down, like you're

going to release your bowels in the woods.

[GROANING]

[FARTS]

Hey.

[LAUGHS] I'm so glad that wasn't me that time.

Honey, I haven't heard a chair fart like that

since I was an altar boy.

Oh, my god, I should have told you about vegan tacos.

They can be a little intense if you're not used to them.

It's the-- it's the fiber factor.

Fiber factor?

Yeah, is that why you're so skinny?

Because you're pooping all the time?

Everybody take a deep breath in.

There's that jew jerk!

Ron?

Santa?

I told you not to come to my work.

You cost me my job.

[SCREAMING]

Namaste, you schmuck!

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMS]

You know, I don't know why I'm holding these guns.

When my agent called me on the phone and got me this gig

and said it was about the right to bear arms,

I thought it was about the freedom

to wear sleeveless shirts.

DIRECTOR: If you want to get paid,

just read the teleprompter, Ron.

Fine.

Hello, I'm Ron Jeremy.

For years, I made my living by firing my big gun.

Firing guns is very important to Americans,

so please support your right to shoot people

and make America all it can be.

This message was brought to you by the people at MGA who

support the right to bear arms.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'm there.

I'm at the place.

Yeah, I got your money.

I appreciate you funding it.

Oh, my god, yeah, I'm finally going to lose the V-card.

Yeah, it's a dream.

Listen, I'll call you back.

I'll give you all the dirty deets.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'll see you soon.

Much love.

Bye.

How's it going there, sweet thing?

May I help you?

I, missy, would like to have a massage.

OK, that will be $50.

A special massage with everything,

if you know what I mean?

[GENTLE ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

That'll be $80.

All right, then.

(SINGING) I'm losing my V-card, yeah.

I need you to get undressed.

Uh-huh.

And when we go in the room, make sure

you lay down face first, down.

Yeah.

On the bed.

Excited.

Face down.

Yeah.

I got you.

I'm-- I'm excited.

Let's do this.

Follow me.

All right.

Oh, here we go.

Here we go.

Whew.

Yeah, if you'll just breathe in deeply and--

Wait, wait.

Wait, no, no, no.

Relax.

No.

No, not cool.

Nothing against you, dude, but I am not gay.

I think you're very tight around the trapezius.

I think you need to relax.

Leave the room now.

I-- I'm serious.

Not cool.

If that is your wish.

Bring a lady.

Bring a lady.

If you change your mind--

I won't.

--I'll be in the next room.

I won't, go, leave, sir.

[SIGHS]

Hi, you ready to relax?

Yeah.

All right, let's do it.

That's what I am talking about.

Yeah, woo, don't mind it.

It's good for the muscles when it's cold.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Is this some kind of new technique?

It feels good.

Yeah, secret Asian tool.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Get right up in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You want to get a back wax, too, while you're here?

I'm highly considering it.

Just saying, it's kind of gross.

Anyway.

Yeah, you don't have to tell me.

Mm-kay.

Ah.

Sorry.

Ah.

That's right.

Listen.

[YAWNS]

Compared to the last guy, this is 100% better.

[BURPS] God, I'm gassy.

I could deal without that.

Hey

Just cover your mouth.

Feel good, let 'em all out.

Relax.

Ah.

Awesome.

Yeah, you should feel good about now.

All right.

I certainly do.

Yeah.

[CAN HISSES]

Ah.

Ooh, what is that?

Oil?

Secret oil.

Secret oil.

Oh.

All right, I guess she's coming back for the final charge.

[STAMMERS] Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Look at you.

You got a nice grip.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh.

[MOANS]

Shall I pinch it off for you?

What the fuck?

No!

No!

Gosh!

Oh!

Oh!

Why?

Here's your tip.

Thank you, darling.

At least I lost my virginity, right?

No, no, no, no, honey, an HJ doesn't count.

But I've got a spot open Tuesday if you want

to make another appointment.

Rough day on the job, babe?

You wouldn't believe.

I wonder who's going to win my costume contest this year?

Last year it was--

it was a tie between Bigfoot and an actual dog.

Yikes!

Yeah, but you invited that girl Amy to the party,

and I just can't believe that.

She's a total drag.

That's like inviting your priest to your orgy.

Well, I see your point, but Amy, she's really smart.

She works with me, so I can't not invite her to the party.

And dad loves her, so I have to invite Amy.

Oh, maybe your dad wants you to be more like Amy.

She's such a smarty pants, like, hi, I'm Amy,

and I discover that there's worms

that come out of my crotch.

And it took me a while to figure this out because I'm always

looking into microscopes.

Ever since they tested on me, I've

decided I am not going back to science school.

Oh, I would love to get tested on, like,

I'm so sick of my job at the exotic garden.

I'm bored without you.

[SIGHS] And business has been so dead

ever since that one girl got crucified by a cactus.

And I don't think people get the whole business model of a strip

club that also sells plants.

You know, it is botanical business blasphemy.

And, [EXHALES], it is a strange concept--

having strippers that sell plants--

especially since the place is haunted.

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC]

Stop working at the fucking exotic garden or I'll kill you.

We're gonna have to consider increasing your dosage

on your medications.

PATIENT: Come on, I hate that.

I don't want-- come on, I don't want to do that.

I really see no other option at this point.

But what I can do is, I can also refer you to--

to my parapsychology team, who deals with--

who's a little bit more open to, um,

maybe some of the more paranormal aspects of your story

you're telling me.

Or your agitated emotional state is perhaps

making you not put things together

in as logical a fashion as might lead you to some less

out-there conclusions.

Ma'am, um, our session is up.

If you want to call me--

well, unless there's an emergency,

I'll just see you next week.

I have another patient coming in.

OK.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Remember our five-count breathing.

All right.

Every morning, first thing when you wake up.

Have a good afternoon.

[SLIDECAMP, "REALMSWEEPER"]

[ELECTROMEDISON, "TRUTH"]

[SCREAMS]

[GROWLING]

[GROANS] [PANTING]

[YELLS]

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMS]

[LOBOTOMOMMIES, "REMEMBER THE MOON ONE"]

(SINGING) Part the sky

Earth satellite

They bought this planet

They packed and canned it

Remember the moon one

Beyond the sun

Remember the moon one

Remember the moon one

Moon one

I told you no aliens dancing with snow globes.

Well, we can cut that, Jackie.

I also told you to not call me Jackie.

Well, it's just a label, but, OK, no labels.

[GROANS] You did everything I told you not to do.

Well, it was opposite month.

This network is canceled!

[SIGHS]

Hey, Jackie canceled the network.

I need you to do something about it.

I'll take care of it.

I have the perfect person for the job.

[KEVIN MACLEOD, "LASERPACK"]

[GASPS] Oh, my god, you're that crazy guy from comedy

shorts.

Oh, hello.

My name is Jeremiah.

But my friends call me J-dog.

Mad man, what have you done?

Oh, well, I did the garbage man reality

sketch and the sketch about the psychiatrist

with issues who gets killed by the monster mushroom.

Oh, and I played Ira Goldstein in the one with the elf.

I can't move.

Oh, um.

[LAUGHS] Right, right.

You meant, what did I do to you just now, duh.

I can't move.

Well, technically, you can move your head

and your feet, yeah.

Although the rest of your body is paralyzed by the injection

that I gave you.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Why are you here?

Well, I was hired to convince you

to restart the comedy shorts station, the one that you

canceled.

I canceled that because it was a money-draining machine.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I--

I just got to tell you, for someone who has a lot of money,

I'm kind of impressed that you have such a humble living

situation.

I'm actually a broke-ass loser.

I rent this place.

You see, I inherited money from my grandma when she died.

And instead of blowing it on a really nice car and a big house,

I invested it all into that stupid comedy network.

Yeah.

OK, so are you telling me that you're not

going to sign the contract that I brought?

The one to renew the network for one year?

Ew, did Ron Jeremy teach you to carry around those documents?

You know, I never actually met the guy,

but I've heard that he's really easy to work with.

I mean, well, if you're a guy, for guys,

he's easy to work with, but.

Get out or I'm calling the police.

Uh, [LAUGHS].

That would be kind of difficult because you're paralyzed--

OK, partially paralyzed, with the exception

of your head and your feet.

I don't know what you're trying to do to me here,

but I have seen every single sketch from that comedy network,

so I am basically torture proof.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Right.

Torture proof, yeah.

Last chance.

I would tell you to go to hell,

but you were one of the employees

at the comedy shorts network, so you've already been there.

[LAUGHING]

You gonna sign?

Are you gonna sign?

Are you gonna sign?

I wish I would have laughed this hard at the comedy sketches.

All you have to do is sign and the laughing will stop.

[LAUGHS] Stop.

Stop.

Fine, fine.

I'll sign it.

You'll sign it?

Yeah

Great.

Excellent.

Uh, I can't use my hand, dimwit.

Oh, [LAUGHS].

Yeah, right, of course.

OK, here, open your mouth.

Good, good.

Hold- hold it.

Now, on-- on this line right here,

yeah, print and then-- and then sign.

OK, good.

No aim for that line right there.

Date, and today's date.

Comedy Shorts is back on the air, and it's better than ever.

[KEVIN MACLEOD, "LASERPACK"]

["HERE COMES THE BRIDE" PLAYING ON HARMONICA]

I got some bad news, honey.

I cannot officiate the wedding.

So I got bad news for you, Mr. Sheep.

And to you, that you have to officiate

the wedding in my place.

Because I got a sudden job that came up.

And if you do a bad job, this will be your new song.

["TAPS" PLAYING ON HARMONICA]

That's when they kill you.

So do a nice job, OK, honey?

OK, I get it.

All right, sweetie.

Don't forget your sheep, friend.

No, you're officiating the wedding, not me.

[ENIGMATIC, "WHAT GOES AROUND"]

Who are you, and what are you doing in my garden?

[DIDGERIDOO BELLOWING]

They're here.

They're here.

Do you see them?

Oh, my god, they're here.

They're here.

They're here.

They're coming.

[TRUMPET FANFARE]

They're coming.

The moon controls the tides.

The ocean nourishes all creatures.

We breathe to serve the moon.

The moon controls the tide.

The ocean nourishes all creatures.

The moon controls the tides.

The moon is love.

The moon is love.

You see, I'm the hired pianist.

When people say the words actor/pianist,

like Ron Jeremy is an actor/pianist,

they think "pianist" is a word misspelled.

Get it?

Look, I'm sorry.

She looked 18.

I'm sorry.

Look, you're a bum.

I've been having a really bad day.

I want to pay you and then punch you.

[LAUGHS] Wait a second.

I don't think-- well, what are you gonna pay me?

2 bucks.

$2?

I don't think so.

You're a bum.

I know you need $2.

Yeah, what's behind your back?

Booze.

Oh, hey.

Is that included?

Yeah, $2 and booze.

Tell you what I'm going to do. $2 that booze, and afterwards,

we go to the liquor store, get a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20,

twist of Bali Hai, Sangria, and Boone's Farm Apple Wine.

[SIGHS] Whatever.

All right.

Nice deal.

[FIST THUDS]

DIRECTOR: Rolling, good.

"Yeast," take 2.

[KEVIN MACLEOD, "LASERPACK"]

DIRECTOR: All right, ready?

And quiet, please!

And, action.

Well, ladies and gents, it could happen to anyone,

but you're nasty-- oh, I'm sorry.

DIRECTOR: That's all right.

And, action.

Well, ladies and gents, it could

happen to anyone, but mainly women,

since we lost the beer pong championship in heaven.

Your nasty yeast infection is probably due to all the, uh--

what is it, fucking sugar?

DIRECTOR: Go on a little to her?

PRODUCER: You can improv a little.

No, I know.

I know.

I like it the way it is, though, and I want to get it.

DIRECTOR: When you're ready.

You can wait.

No, I got it.

DIRECTOR: OK, and, quiet, quiet, and action.

Your nasty yeast infection is probably

due from all the sugar and carbs and fucking everything delicious

or from your sweaty, gross, trampy panties that

are irritating your sensitive skin around your genitals.

DIRECTOR: OK, cut.

So if you want to be yeast free, like me--

"like me" sounded weird.

OK, hold on, sorry.

DIRECTOR: Mm-hmm.

So if you want to be yeast free like me,

just pour some of this holy water on your muffin

before you eat it.

Ooh, just a few drops will do.

And it'll stop your body from turning into a satanic yeast

minion.

In fact, if you have a yeast infection right now,

you can bathe in Ceased Yeast.

Woo!

So, do you want to eat cake while

bathing in a tub full of beer?

Well, now you can.

All you need is Ceased Yeast.

You don't have to worry about those pesky little bugs anymore.

Ceased Yeast, stop trying to rise up and stay

where you belong, in hell.

[LOBOTOMOMMIES, "SPIRIT ANIMAL A COW"]

(SINGING) My spirit animal's a cow

Help, help me now

My spirit animal's a cow

Wowie, wow, ow, ow, ow

You ain't no guardian angel

There's no flying in a stable

Stop giving me sass

Stop eating all that stupid grass

Spirit animal's a cow

Wowie, wow, wow

Some worship you

Some eat you too

Depends where on the globe you're wearing a robe

Spirit animal's a cow, yeah

Wowie, wow, wow

Why's my spirit animal a cow, man?

Man, I always get stuck

You see that brown stuff over here.

You know what that is?

No.

This brown, soft stuff right there?

What's that?

Beethoven's last movement.

Oh!

Come on, folks.

Tip the waitress.

I'm here all week.

Try the Veal.

All right, so I guess that's a wrap.

Hey, did I look fat in any of those shots?

No, no.

Because if I looked fat, we're going to have to reshoot this.

You're fine like wine.

I fucking broke my--

I broke my--

I broke my glasses.

You looked great

You spilled my beer!

You're the worst assistant I've ever had!

Why don't you do another yoga pose?

Why don't you keep showing off your stupid fucking yoga.

I'm just glad I got to come down here and look up

your skirt.

What?

I'm not even wearing a skirt?

How stupid are you?

You don't even know what a skirt or pants are.

OK.

Is it-- just being a midget means you have a tiny little

small brain?

A little short brain?

I'm working my butt off here, OK?

I just want a little bit of appreciation.

I mean, Jesus.

I was just kidding, I was just-- this is comedy.

You're getting too serious.

You're getting way too serious.

You're getting way too serious.

This is a comedy short.

You're getting way too serious.

Right.

It's the makeup.

It's the makeup.

You guys, seriously, though, did I look fat?

Yes.

ACTOR: It'd be funny if you said, "Did I look fat?

I'm going to go throw up and come right back."

OK.

Define fat.

Define fat.

All right.

So then we're gonna--

we're gonna cut the blooper and like,

act like we're speeding up to the next blooper.

Hey, hey.

Are the cameras still rolling?

No.

Wait, are the camera's not rolling?

No, we've cut.

I'm gonna go puke, and I'll come right back.

We'll reshoot the rest of the scenes.

OK?

All right.

You want a breath mint?

[LOBOTOMOMMIES, "YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE"]

(SINGING) You're all gonna die

Oh, you're all gonna die

You're all gonna die

Tonight or another night

Yeah, all right

You're all gonna die

Oh, you're all gonna die

You better get ready 'cause in hell

There ain't no spaghetti

You're all going to die

Oh, you're all gonna die

You're all gonna die tonight

Just a bunch of skeletons

Or another night

Around the ground

[VOCALIZING]

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tock, tock, tock, tock

You're all gonna!

Life's a joke

Everything's a joke

Die

What?

What?

What are you doing here?

You fucked my husband!

That's right!

He said my name!

You fucked my husband?

Bitch!

You been fucking my husband?

No!

You been fucking my husband?

Huh?

Maybe.

You been fucking my husband?

Huh?

Huh?

Yeah, I have.

Seriously, though, did I look fat?