Original subtitles

OK, so I believe these are the three finalists--

Chance, Buddy, and Gunner.

Are you picking out a rescue dog?

No, a baby daddy.

Man, you can order anything online these days.

She's not ordering a person.

She's just interested in their, you know, contribution.

How'd you like to open that package by mistake?

Sorry.

Yeah, sorry.

I forgot this is serious business.

It is.

And your juvenile jokes are making it harder

for Gabby to make a decision.

There's just so many to choose from.

And they're all so different.

Well, I know one thing they got in common.

They all needed a hundred bucks.

That's funny. You're funny.

- No, you're funny. - No, you're funny.

And, uh, why isn't it juvenile

when Emmett makes a joke?

'Cause zip it, that's why.

Oh, my God, you still haven't picked a donor yet?

Well, I just don't want to make a mistake.

OK, what do you like most about the three candidates?

Well, Gunner is from Australia.

And I think it would be so cute if my baby had an accent.

Yeah.

G'day, mum.

OK, Gunner's out.

What about the other two?

Honestly, my clear favorite is Chance.

Then what's the problem?

It is such a dumb name!

I mean, am I really supposed to take a chance on Chance?

We don't care about his name.

We only care about what's in his genes.

And yes, I heard that.

Look, I don't know why you are getting so upset.

Gabby, we've been doing this for weeks,

and we're no closer to making a decision

than when we started.

Well, I am sorry.

But this is not at all how I imagined it.

You know, someday, my kid's gonna ask me,

"Mommy, how did you meet Daddy?"

And I'll say, "Daddy was mailed to Mommy's house

in a sterile straw packed in dry ice."

Excuse me, I have to go tell Emmett something.

Gabby, I can't pretend

to know what you're going through.

And I know it's odd, but trust me, nobody else does.

I need to go tell Emmett something.

All right, Gabby, we've seen everybody.

It's time to make a decision.

Chance.

I pick Chance. - You mean it?

Yes.

Almost. Maybe.

Oh, you know what?

Let's just draw straws.

That was a poor choice of words.

Excuse me, I gotta go tell Emmett something.

- ♪ Sometimes it feels like a big ol' fight ♪

♪ To get through the day ♪

♪ And sleep on through the night ♪

♪ But here you'll find a place ♪

♪ That'll surely lift your spirits ♪

♪ You belong at Happy's Place ♪

It's OK, sweetie. We'll figure something out.

Thanks, Daddy.

Hey, what's wrong?

Kimi had an extra-credit assignment,

and it's just not coming together.

Sounds like it calls for a root beer.

Can I, Dad?

No... is what we'll tell your mom.

Just so you know, Kimi,

I lived for extra credit when I was your age.

What was it?

Extra paper?

Bonus worksheets?

Reenacting the signing of the Declaration of Independence

with all of your friends?

She was trying to get an entrepreneur

to come and talk to the class.

Oh.

But apparently, Beyoncé was busy.

She aims high.

As did Beyoncé.

I don't know.

Maybe I should just lower my expectations.

Maybe.

People definitely told me to do that when I was your age.

Did you?

No.

I sent 15 emails to German Chancellor Angela Merkel

until she agreed to a two-minute phone interview

for my school paper.

Really?

Really.

You won't know what you're capable of until you try,

so keep shooting for the stars.

Wow. Are you busy Tuesday?

Because I'd love it if you'd speak to my class.

In the words of Angela Merkel, ja!

Yay! Thank you.

That's so sweet of you, Isabella.

Aww.

Understudy to Beyoncé.

Not bad.

Hey.

Are you still mad at me

for taking so long to choose a baby daddy?

I'm not mad at you, Gabby. I'm just frustrated.

I wish you'd make a decision.

Well, in that case,

I think there is someone that you should meet.

Come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Well, where is this person?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Whoa, who's that?

Chance.

Chance, Chance?

Like "take a chance on Chance" Chance?

Yeah.

Steve found him on the Internet,

and then he lured him here with a coupon

for a free hamburger and fries.

- You did what? - I know.

I told Steve he didn't need to add the fries,

but he insisted.

I don't care about the fries.

What is he doing here?

Well, if I'm going to choose him,

I need to get to know the man behind the profile.

- That's a dumb idea. - I think I wanna pick him.

You're a genius.

All that is left is for you to meet him

and give him the final seal of approval.

Why?

Why do you need my opinion?

Because you have good judgment,

and I bought a time-share in my 20s.

Please.

Fine.

Well? - I like him.

He chews with his mouth closed, and he's a clippopotamus.

That's what we coupon clippers call each other.

Who knew that world was so clever?

Hey, I'm Bobbie. I own this place.

How's things going so far?

Great. Thanks.

You know, this is, like, the friendliest bar

I've ever been to.

- Aww. - I even met your accountant.

Oh.

Well, we like to feel that every guest

could be a part of the family.

Sorry, inside joke.

OK, well, it was really nice to meet you.

Well, you know, I'm not in a rush.

Why don't we just chat for a little bit?

How about that?

Oh, um...

Look, I'm flattered,

but I'm not really into women, you know,

in your demographic.

Oh! No, no, no.

I'm just one of those super friendly-type owners.

That's all. - Excuse me.

Did I hear you say you were the owner?

I'm busy!

Tell me about your family.

I think I should maybe leave.

Oh, no, wait, don't go.

I know this seems a little weird.

Oh, no, no, not at all.

I'm only leaving 'cause this is so normal.

I just need ten minutes of your time

to get to know you better.

But I don't want that.

I'm gonna come clean with you.

It's very simple.

My friend wants to have a baby, and she sent me over here

to see if you're as good as your profile.

That's her right there.

Wait, my anonymous profile?

So you cyberstalked and tricked me

just to get me over here?

Yeah, our bad.

But lookie there, you got a free burger.

And fries.

So, um, is everything going OK?

No. There is no way

I am letting you weirdos have my baby.

I am calling the sperm bank and putting a stop to this.

Tell your friends about Happy's!

Yeah, I think we can do better.

Why did you tell him that I wanted him to be my donor?

When has honesty ever made anything better?

I was just trying to help.

Besides, you have two more finalists.

Well, I can't use them now.

They're second choice, and my baby deserves the best.

How does this happen?

Everybody around here acts crazy,

but I always wind up looking like the crazy one.

Well, I'm not the crazy one, OK?

She's not gonna convince anyone making that argument.

I don't know what to do, Steve.

I just wish I could pick someone

that I already knew was a good person.

Well, if you need to know the guy,

why don't you pick someone you already know?

Yeah, well, most people that I know best work here.

And Takoda's already got a bunch of kids.

And I can't use any of our regulars.

I know how much they drink.

Uh, hello?

You never asked me.

Well, that's 'cause I didn't think you would.

No, I never would.

But it's nice to be asked.

You know, actually, you know who'd be best?

Emmett.

He's tall. He's handsome.

Hair loss skips a generation.

Plus, you know, his calm genes would even out, you know,

all of this.

Too bad he's too old.

Oh, he's not too old.

Al Pacino had a kid at 83.

Yeah, and Al Pacino is the one in the stroller.

Don't be ridiculous.

Men don't lose their fertility or their looks.

That's how you know God is a man.

Tell me the truth. Am I a bad friend?

No, you're the best friend anybody could ever have.

'Cept for maybe Willy Wonka.

I'm serious.

I'd do anything for Gabby.

But when she finally makes a decision,

I immediately blow it!

Willy Wonka drowned a kid in chocolate.

What?

She's nervous.

Having a baby is the biggest thing a person can do.

I didn't know you felt that way.

Well, sure I do. Why wouldn't I?

Look, I'm sorry you feel lousy.

If it'll help, why don't you just punch me?

What good would that do?

Always helped my brother.

Bobbie, hit me.

I mean...

all right, I'll tell you what.

Wait a minute.

OK. Just eww.

What is it, Steve?

I just wanted to give Emmett a quick heads up.

This isn't likely to happen, but it's Gabby, so it could.

Uh-oh. What's the problem?

She might want your seed to grow a baby.

What?

Oh, that's a good one, Steve.

No, I'm serious.

She was saying how there was no reason Emmett couldn't do this

and compared him to Al Pacino in a stroller,

so kind of a compliment.

Anyway, I'm gonna go wash my eyes out.

Huh.

Yeah. Huh.

Are you nervous about talking to the kids?

Nervous? Nah.

I'm looking forward to inspiring young minds,

you know, filling them with my knowledge.

That's nice.

I'd be nervous.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Ms. Sanchez.

We're ready.

Right.

Good luck.

Hi, everybody!

Class, let's welcome our guest.

Hi, Ms. Sanchez. all: Hi.

Welcome, Ms. Sanchez.

Thank you for doing this interview.

It's my pleasure. And you can call me Isabella.

Thank you, Isabella.

Now, before we start,

I just wanna say

I am so pleased to be here with you all.

I want you to know that I once sat

exactly where you're sitting.

So when you look at me,

don't just think of what I've done.

Think of where I've come from.

That's so wonderful.

What made you first want to start your own business?

Well, actually, the business was started

before I came on board.

Oh, so you worked your way up?

Yeah, you could say that.

But it wouldn't be true.

See, what had happened was, I woke up one morning

and checked my email,

and my dad had left me a tavern.

And you were ready to step up to the plate.

Yes. Yes.

A great definition of luck

is when preparation meets opportunity.

And you were prepared because you went to business school?

No.

Actually, I studied psychology.

Oh, so you're also a psychologist?

No.

But I did get into Stanford Graduate School.

Stanford? Wow, that must have been so stimulating.

I assume it is.

But I haven't gone yet because I took a gap year...

two years ago.

Whoa, is it getting hot in here?

Look, I'm trying to make you look good,

but you gotta work with me.

Well, there is more to life than your career.

You know, one of the hardest things to achieve

is a successful work-life balance, right?

Yeah. - That's right.

So tell us about your social life.

Do you have a husband?

No.

A boyfriend?

No.

What do you do after work?

Well, most nights, I go home.

Is it too much to hope you own your own home?

No, it's my sister's.

But I do have my own bathroom.

all: Ooh.

Yes!

- Hey. - Hey.

Look, Bobbie, about what Steve said.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, Emmett. Looking good.

Those new pants?

No.

I mean, yes, they are, but, you know, I'm returning them.

Jeez. Learn to take a compliment.

Yeah, you got him there.

That man cannot take a compliment.

That's one of his many, many genetic flaws.

Why are you putting down Emmett?

Oh, it's not his fault. It's just bad breeding.

Yeah.

Let's just say that Emmett's family tree

is more like the crazy bush.

Thank you so much for helping Kimi.

She really appreciated it.

It was my pleasure.

Give me anything.

I don't care, as long as it makes me forget

everything since I woke up this morning.

Oh, that's right.

You were with 11-year-olds today.

Yup.

- Give her the good rum. - Yeah.

You know, the 11-year-old girl that lives next door to me

told me that I looked like an emotional eater.

No, no, Kimi was perfectly nice.

And yet, somehow, she still managed

to reach into my soul and go--

They're just kids, Isabella. Don't take them so seriously.

No. I'm gonna.

She made me face some uncomfortable truths

about myself.

Ugh, uncomfortable truths are my least favorite ones.

You know, ever since I found out about Happy,

I've been letting circumstances run my life.

I think it's finally time I took charge of it myself.

Well, that's a very healthy attitude.

Yeah.

Tough issues don't get settled by ignoring them.

Very true.

Wait, where are you going?

I--I'm gonna go talk to Emmett.

Hey.

Hey.

OK, one of us is gonna have to address this.

Now, if you wanna be the father of Gabby's baby,

I don't have a-- - I don't wanna do that.

Oh, thank God!

What in the world would you think that for?

You were the one that was going on about

how having a baby is the most important thing

a person could do.

It was one sentence.

I know it was one sentence,

but you only do about three of them a day.

I was afraid you wanted me to.

You said you'd do anything for Gabby.

I would do anything for Gabby,

but there's plenty I don't want you to do.

Come here.

I absolutely am crazy about you.

Mm.

And I don't wanna do anything that would jeopardize this.

OK, great. But what is "this"?

Bobbie, this is a magical time in a relationship

where you're allowed to tell me not to impregnate other women.

Aww.

I should go talk to Gabby.

You know what? Let me do that.

I may have something to offer.

You're only offering words, right?

We'll see how it goes.

Oh, hey.

Listen, I need to talk to you.

Is it about the pants?

It was a compliment!

No.

Look, if I'm wrong--

and I'm pretty sure I am--

saying this is gonna be embarrassing as hell.

What are you talking about?

I can't be your donor.

Oh, my God!

OK, OK, Emmett, I mean, how would that even work?

I mean, you and I would have a baby together

while you're dating my best friend?

I mean, I like country songs. I don't wanna be one.

OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't-- I didn't mean to laugh.

So what exactly is your plan at this point?

I don't know, OK?

I think I'm just gonna put this whole pregnancy thing on hold

until I can get some clarity.

Well, clarity takes time, Gabby.

And excuse me for saying this,

but it's not something that you have a lot of right now.

Well, this isn't an easy decision to make.

I understand totally.

It wasn't an easy decision when I made it.

What?

I mean, you thought about having kids?

Sure.

I mean, I still wonder,

once in a while, what'd it be like to have a...

An Emmett Junior to take fishing, you know?

Aww.

Or a little Emily standing on my shoes

while I teach her how to dance.

Yeah.

But I made the decision not to.

And on the whole,

do you think it was the right choice?

Hell, I don't know.

I think so, but who knows?

Point is, it was my choice.

If you put off the decision much longer,

the choice will be made for you, Gabby.

Hey, Emmett.

Do you think I'd be a good mom?

I think you'd make a hell of a mom, Gabby.

Thank you.

I don't hear any words.

OK, Gabby, show us who you picked.

OK, my baby daddy is going to be...

Luigi.

Aww, he's adorable!

- Yeah. - Yeah, great daddy material.

Yeah.

Oh, he's got such kind eyes.

And that chin would look so cute on a baby.

- Oh. - I love the chin.

Great baby chin.

Great earlobes.

All that's left is for me to enter my credit card number,

and Luigi's DNA will be on its way to my house.

And done.

Yay!

I'm so proud of you, honey.

Wow. I just made a baby.

Come in. I like to cuddle after.