Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[ominous music]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[upbeat, eerie music]

[music winds down]

[foreboding music]

♪

[Romero] Whew! That was a damn long haul.

[grunting]

Whew!

You smell that? Did I step in shit?

Kenny, I think I stepped in shit.

-[insects buzzing] -No, I guess not.

You know, I gotta get something off my chest here.

Why are testicles located on the inside in the male anatomy?

I mean, wouldn't it be so much easier if balls were internal?

[chuckles]

Kenny, what the hell difference does it make, okay?

Where else would they go? The inside of your thigh?

Your gooch?

Kenny, you're dumber than a box of hammers, man.

It's a box of rocks. Even I know that.

Now... you wanna tussle?

Nah, I don't care to fight you. I'd win anyway.

Look, I'm just trying to prove a point, okay?

Without balls that dangle,

-I couldn't sack ya. -[Kenney groans]

What in tarnation?

Look up there, Romero.

It's a snail trail,

left here by a celestial being

that dragged his unclothed naughty bits

across our atmosphere.

Uh, Kenny?

Kenny. You ain't right.

Look. That's from a jet engine.

A jet engine.

You know, I thought after your last company leave,

you were improving, but I guess you need

another company vacation, huh?

-I liked the purple pills. -Yeah, I bet you did.

They tasted fruity,

and it made me feel like an astronaut.

Right. Well, it's a shame you ain't made no progress.

Uh, well, other than that orderly that I choked out

and that one guy I turned into a vegetable,

I was a star patient.

All right, then, star patient.

Why don't you hurry your ass up and help me move these barrels?

There's much to dump. Or else I'll get myself put away

with you next time, and I'll...

eat all your berries and blast off, okay?

So move your ass. Let's go.

♪

-[Romero] Head out. -[Kenny] All right.

-[both grunting] -[Romero] All right, come on.

Easy. All right, easy. Okay.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Hang on. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, shit.

-Man. -Whew!

This is the heaviest barrel of goo

I've lifted in my whole entire life.

Oh, man. You know what, Kenny? Forget a herniated disc.

I feel like my whole rectum's about to prolapse.

Fuck the chemical company.

Designated dumping site, my ass.

I could've just dumped these chemicals in my toilet.

You know what? Speaking of draining,

I need to go drain the tattooed snake.

I'll be right back. I gotta go.

Hey, don't forget to wipe up.

You don't want a UTI.

[chuckles] I'll let my girlfriend deal with that.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

-[zipper rasps] -Come on, come on, get it.

-I'll piss my pants. -[urine streaming]

Oh, here you go. Okay.

Oh.

[groans]

[sighs]

Oh, my God. Ah, shit. Forgot, my prostate. Fuck.

Ah! I knew I should've got that checked.

Fuck-- Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Come on, come on, come on. Keep going, keep going.

That's it. Oh, yeah, that's better.

Oh, God. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord.

[urine streaming continues]

[scuffling]

[ominous music]

Kenny? Kenny, is that you?

Hey. Hey, buddy?

[whooshing]

Holy shit! What the-- Get the fuck-- [shouts]

Get it off-- [screaming]

[screams]

[exclaims]

[screaming]

♪

Ah! Throw my back out, at my age, son of a bitch.

That's a hell of a stream you got going on there, Romero.

Piss me a river.

Hey!

Help, Romero!

Help!

[garbled shouting]

[choking, burbling]

♪

[intense music]

[man 1 crying] Those bastards are monsters.

I wish I'd never left for that place.

[woman] This is why you don't go into nature.

[man 2 shouting] Stop eatin' me!

[man 3] I wanted to live. I didn't want to die.

[man 4] Why did I have to die?

Why did they do this to me and my family?

They killed me.

And my entire family.

They were demonic.

Only demons would do what they did to me!

[man 5] I just wanted to look at the birds and they got me.

[man 6] They owe everyone. Those monsters. Those bastards.

[man 7] They're everywhere.

I can hear them at the door!

Oh, God, they're coming in. [sobs]

[reporter] Police are currently searching for a number

of suspicious persons in connection with

an apparently real murder caught on camera.

[music turns serene]

♪ Hey, hey, hey, it's your birthday ♪

♪ You got another year older ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, it's your birthday ♪

♪ Another year wiser too ♪

♪ Hey, hey, babe, has your hair turned gray? ♪

♪ Maybe because it's your... b-day. ♪

Oh, Margie, our little girl's outgrown our birthday song.

-I'm very sad now. -Oh, I know, Lou.

Well, when a girl turns 21,

all that's on her mind is booze, booze, booze.

Yeah, well, I turned 21,

all my mind was on was boobs, boobs, boobs.

And I still like boobs.

It's nothing like that.

It's just my boyfriend Scott was supposed to be here by now.

He promised me a surprise gift.

That boy is nothing but a wanker.

What could he possibly offer you other than downstairs itch?

Well, listen, honey. Dawn, we don't want you to worry, okay?

I'm sure Scott is out there getting you

the best gift that money can buy.

-You think so? -Yes.

In fact, maybe he'll surprise you with a trip to Cancun.

I took your mother to Cancun in the eighties.

Do you recall how I acquired a sunburn on my derriere?

[giggling] Oh, how can I ever forget?

Ah, the eighties were a dream fever.

Dawn, what you need is a well-adjusted boyfriend

like your sister.

Dustin is a real winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Autumn, you see this card?

This is how you make me feel.

Sad.

I give you all the love I have and you never return the favor.

I also don't recall getting you pregnant.

I mean, I haven't even put my dingy thingy

in your love taco yet.

Look, Dustin, I only keep you around

'cause you have the best tongue game in town.

Really? Thanks.

But... you never tend to my needs.

Gross! And get near that mushroom tip?

I don't even like mushrooms on my pizza.

Yeah, that's true. They are pretty gross.

Yeah, they are.

[rock music playing over speakers]

♪ Dressing like her little sister ♪

♪ High in the Hollywood hills ♪

Gift shopping?

-Yeah. What's up, bud? -Nothing.

Your girlfriend, or...

Uh, yeah, it's my girlfriend.

You shouldn't sneak up on people like that, bro.

Well, if you're buying something for your girlfriend,

I mean, I wouldn't get it here.

-Really? -Everything's so gimmicky.

You know, women like rings. You know, shiny things.

Even a piece of reflective tape is nice

if you cut it in the right shape.

Great idea. Maybe I'll stop by a hardware store.

Hardware store?

Yeah, okay, bro. I gotta go. Thanks. Uh, bye.

Bye.

Who the fuck was that?

Did you feed the cats?

I thought you were gonna feed the cats.

Go feed the fucking cats.

Why do you hurt me?

'Cause you deserve it.

♪ Old tricks bringing her crucifix ♪

-Hey, shopkeep. -Yeah.

Okay. All right. I need your help.

I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket.

-[cashier] Okay. -Um,

today is my girl's 21st birthday, right?

All I know is pretty much she's into, I don't know,

artsy, weird movies and really stupid, depressing indie music.

To be honest, she's pretty mid.

Um, basically, I need to get her something,

and I need it to look expensive and big, but be cheap as shit.

You get what I mean? Any events going on in town?

[cashier] Well, I just happen to know about

a little exclusive desert music festival,

and I happen to have some tickets for the event.

You know, I only have 100 bucks,

and half of that's going to gas, lambskin rubbers, and burgers.

[cashier] Well, in that case, I have a special deal for you.

$50, your phone number, and you'll get six tickets

to the music festival event of the year.

Who's playing?

Uh, word on the street is

Dr. Beef Curtis is doing a rare performance.

Oh, you mean Dr. Ass, that fucking asshole

who mooned the entire baseball stadium, right?

Oh, it's gonna be lit. Fuck!

Excuse me.

I should bring my main girl to that show.

Fuck it. Okay, sold.

[cashier] All right.

Do you take crypto?

Yeah.

Thank you very much. Make it out to the shop, all right?

-Okay, great. Thanks. -Great!

[birds squawking]

[ominous music]

What a strong, vibracious bird you are.

Drink up and become strong like ox.

I like your style.

[slurping]

Oh, sir. Sir.

Is everything cool?

You know, I hate to barge in like this, but--

Theo.

Lunch is my special bird time.

-You know that! -Yes. Yes, sir.

We-- we got a real nightmare scenario.

Uh, we-- You know our secret D-U-M-P missions, right?

Well, we lost another truck.

Now, we found it with our GPS tracking system,

but we've lost complete contact with Kenny and Romero,

two of our best guys.

And right now, sir, in fact,

this is the third group this month that we've lost.

People are starting to ask questions.

Shit, you mean our trucks

are exposed to the elements out there?

You know, my family's been dumping on those desert roads

for 70 years.

And if someone's able to track it back

to this company, we're all fucked.

Sir, don't you worry your pretty little head. You know why?

'Cause you see this guy standing right here?

This guy right here, me. I'm gonna go out there,

I'm gonna get the company truck,

and I'm gonna drive right back to our garage.

Does that sound good? In fact, you know,

the last time I drove that truck,

I left my bus pass in there.

Oh, you're not gonna tell anybody I don't have a license?

Stop speaking, please, please.

I'm gonna have Janine pick two useful idiots from the company

to go out there and bring that thing back.

I mean...

Caesar and Romero were good dudes.

Kenny.

-What? -Kenny. Kenny, Kenny and Romero.

-Oh, okay. -Caesar's the janitor, sir.

-He is. Well, he's a good dude. -He is a good dude.

I can't even remember what those guys look like.

But he is a good dude.

Man, he takes good care of me.

Yeah, really good.

All right, get out of here.

-All right, sorry, sir. -Get the fuck outta here.

[office din]

J?

Janine?

Janine!

Pick up the phone!

Oh, okay.

Hey, hey.

Nice of you to show up late

to your own girlfriend's birthday party.

Yeah, look what the cat dragged in.

Busy spinning plates while your mother's out again?

Yeah, something like that. You know, you girls might find

some more action over on the corner.

It looked pretty busy. I don't really give a shit, though.

Is, um... birthday girl, is she inside?

-Yeah, no shit. -Okay, cool, thanks.

-Fucking asshole. -Yep.

♪ And Big Dick is back in town! ♪

Scott, why are you so late? You missed the cake.

-The clown! -Hey,

the only clown in this house is your boyfriend here.

He's a real wasteman.

Wasteman? Really? Really?

You visit Abbey Road, and you think you're a Brit?

Okay, the term is loser!

[gasps] Oh! Oh!

Okay, so I'm a capital L Loser. This? What-- What's this?

Okay, if I was such a big fucking loser,

how would I have managed to score six

of the hottest tickets in town?

Oh my God, did you finally get me tickets to go

swim with the dolphins?

Wait a minute, you're not swimming with the dolphins.

Those dumb, slimy beasts are dangerous.

[mimicking dolphin noises]

[all making dolphin noises]

Plus, those things are perverts.

They only think with their blowhole.

[mimicking dolphin noises]

Okay, yeah, whatever is right. Uh, just hear me out, okay?

There's a very exclusive, very lit music festival

that takes place out in the middle

of the Nevada desert, okay?

Listen, babe, they barely even made these tickets

available to the public.

You either have to know someone

or be someone to get 'em, and I am someone.

[giggles] That's awesome, who's the headliner?

Uh, yeah, I mean, I don't really have all the details yet,

but I did get the 411 on one performer.

Wait for it.

-Dr. Beef Curtis. -[gasps]

[Dustin] Yes! No way!

Who the fuck is Dr. Beef Curtain?

Uh, I don't know, old timer, why don't you educate yourself?

[sighs] Dr. Beef Curtis is a musical legend, all right?

He blew the hell up last year

with his smash hit single, "Cut Up and Show My Behind."

It's about his time working in the fast food industry, right?

And one day he just had it up to here

with his shitty drive-thru job.

So what does he do?

He drops trou, and he moons his boss.

He moons his co-workers.

He even moons some customers, and you know what,

it makes for one damn good hell of a song.

A billion and a half streams don't lie.

Babe, you outdid yourself this time.

-Hey. -You know how much I love music.

And festivals!

Hey, we're gonna cut, cut up, and show our behinds.

Cut up and show our behinds.

Hey, oh, by the way, Leo, I almost completely forgot.

Stupid me. Uh,

I'm gonna need to borrow your bedroom tonight, I think,

because on my last sleepover,

I accidentally broke your daughter's bed,

and her back. Ooh! Oh!

You might be kissing her now,

but who do you think taught her how?

Oh, okay, that's disturbing.

Um, all right, uh, if I have blessed any of you

with a ticket to this illustrious event,

uh, it's time to hit the hay,

because this guy needs his beauty sleep.

So, chop, chop. Off to bed.

-[girls cheering] -Let's go.

Good night, Leo. Good night.

He should hibernate.

[laughs]

[dog barking distantly]

I'm a little concerned about Parker,

the way he talks to that plastic bird in there.

Can you hear him?

Absolutely, yeah, like a nut cake.

I think he thinks it's real.

-He does. -He does!

He thinks it's alive.

Bill D.! Peter G.!

Mr. Parker needs to see you in his office immediately.

Listen, Janine, if it's about me using Parker's VIP restroom,

listen, please go and tell him I'm incredibly sorry.

The boys' room, all the stalls were occupied,

and I had to go so bad it was literally coming out,

and I did not want to go in the women's room,

and you remember what happened last time.

Smart decision, that would've been

a human resources nightmare.

-And that's why I didn't do it. -[laughing]

-What are you laughing at? -You.

You and your-- your toilet troubles.

-I had to go! -I know.

If I had to go-- if I had to go that bad,

I would just go out back.

I would dig a hole.

It's something I learned as a youngling,

-when I lived up on the hill. -Oh?

-Yeah, you just-- -What are you two creeps

still doing yammering on?

Get your cheeks in motion.

Mr. Parker doesn't have all day.

-[Bill] All right. -Let's go.

-Get up. Get up. -What kind of hole?

-[Janine] Get up. Go. -[Peter] How deep is the hole?

-[Janine] Let's go. -[Peter] Is it deep?

-[Bill] Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. -Hey, Janine,

what happened to our dinner plans last week?

-We were-- -Not now!

Well, remember that steak challenge?

Please don't make me go to HR.

You know, sometimes it feels like Mr. Parker just can't lose.

Yeah, Mr. Parker, the true MVP!

You know, I heard he craps golden gilded turds.

That's just an old wives' tale.

I once snuck into the VIP restroom after Mr. Parker.

He left some moose droppings to mellow.

I took one of the turds over to the sink and washed it off.

Come to realize it's just typical brown human waste.

Ah! Nice ear massage.

I'm sure glad you boys are going on this mission.

Mission? I'd rather go fishing.

Hey, ow, ow!

[Parker] Nice work, Janine.

Shut the door on your way out.

I don't want any of the weirdos spying on us here.

[door latch clicks]

Sir, are we in trouble?

Nothing like that, sport.

I need to send you guys on a secret quest.

But sir, I've already succeeded at the ultimate quest.

That's disgusting.

No, let me rephrase that.

It's a secret mission to retrieve company property.

Valuable company property.

Oh, oh! Sir, I'm-- I'm really sorry.

I know what this is about.

The VIP toilet paper.

I'm the culprit. I used it.

You stole my goddamn toilet paper?

-Are you kidding me? -[Peter] I'm sorry!

My mom, she buys the cheap stuff,

and it-- and it breaks up into my ass, sir.

I-- I have to use the good stuff. I'm sorry.

I don't want to hear about your mom.

All I know is I had to use one ply yesterday.

It was like sandpaper.

I had to wash my hand five times!

Can-- can-- can we just cut to brass tacks here?

What is this mission?

One of our company trucks with hazardous material

has been abandoned in the desert dumping zone.

I need you guys to go out there,

retrieve the truck, bring it back,

and clean up any mess out there first.

And this?

This is a GPS with all the coordinates

of where the truck is.

It's already programmed in here.

Just follow the dot.

Uh, this sounds too easy to me. What's the catch?

The catch is you have to clean up all the toxic waste,

and destroy all the evidence.

Okay? And then one of you has to drive the truck back solo.

[Peter whimpers] I was hoping we could drive back together

and sing together, you know,

I like to sing to the radio together.

Yeah, you're on thin ice. Stop talking.

If you don't retrieve the company property

and get it back here, you're both terminated.

Okay?

-All right, now bugger off! -All right, all right.

Jesus. Disgusting.

[sighs]

[eerie music]

[Scott] Oh, great, look, we're in the middle of nowhere.

We're running on empty. We love it.

All right, geniuses, keep your eyes open

for a gas station, please.

I swear I saw one about an hour back.

You're right, babe, it was even attached to a taco shop.

You know how much I love tacos.

I can't believe you didn't wait for Julia and Lena.

Uh, I waited for an hour and a half.

Fuck 'em. They can get a taxi, babe.

I don't know, like...

Oh! Crisis averted. I knew things would work out.

Gas station straight ahead.

[Scott] You know what? Look at that.

For the first time in his life, Dustin is right about something.

Gold star for you, buddy boy.

-[bell dings] -[hooting, shouting gibberish]

What the fuck's wrong with this asshole?

[man cackling]

Uh, hey, come on, dude. You're fucking it up.

-[Joey hooting] -Oh, just relax, folks.

-He's harmless. -[Scott] He's fucking up

-my windshield even more! -Uh, no, he--

he's not gonna hurt anybody, he's just harmless.

He's got his own way of talking. I'm gonna interpret for him.

You see, he's a very affectionate fellow.

And groovy.

[both cackle]

-[smacking lips] -[howling]

We don't get a lot of company around here.

-[gibberish] -Oh, look who is coming in.

-Look who we've got here. -[gibberish noises]

Oh, some sweet young things.

Sweet 16, right?

Oh, what do you got under there?

-[girls scoff] -Oh, yeah,

we don't get much company like you down here.

No-- no, thank you. Can you make him stop?

Oh, my goodness, he's droolin', he really likes you.

-[hooting, gibbering] -You see?

Hey, listen. Back off, you old perv.

She belongs to me. Okay? Cut it out.

I'd like to tickle her with my pickle. [cackles]

You better watch your mouth, okay?

All right. Suit yourself.

You got him excited now.

[cackles] The world is your oyster.

[ominous music]

Hi, I'm Otis Brownstein, your local gas guy.

Pleased to meet you.

Sounds like "brown stain."

I know. I was reminded in high school all the time.

What's your name, my lady?

I'm Dawn.

Dawn, don't talk to that guy. He's busted.

[Anton] I'd like to see the crack of Dawn.

-Dawn! -[Scott] Listen, old man.

Keep your pickle in your pants. That girl belongs to me.

Take it easy. I'm harmless down there anyway.

What exactly is it that you need?

Uh, gas. Not grass.

Not ass. Just gas.

Okay. [farts]

-[cackling laughter] -Gas! Gas! Gas! Gas!

Gas! Gas! [farts]

[farts] Oops. I just sharted.

I got plenty of that.

Those toilet tacos are killing me.

[Anton] You ate five of 'em.

I just need gas for the gas tank.

Oh, gas!

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Where are you kids headed to?

Gas! Gas! Gas! Gas! Gas!

We're going to a music festival in the desert

for my sister's birthday.

Oh, how fun!

I heard about it through the grapevine.

Damn, your gas tank is slow, man.

We've still got another two hours on the road.

I know a shortcut.

[Anton] The secret special way.

Yeah. You see that trailer?

You turn right over there on the dirt road.

You'll save 40 minutes.

You know, I appreciate it, old-timer.

I really do, but I'm not sure I trust your directions.

Suit yourself, then.

I've lived here over a hundred years.

I know this area like the palm of my hand.

[Dawn] Scott, wouldn't you rather beat the traffic?

We can meet Dr. Ass before he performs.

-Oh! -[Joey] Gas! Gas! Gas! Gas!

Maybe even see the digs he drove there in.

[sighs]

Okay, old man, I'm listening. Spit it out.

Um, like I said, um,

you drive to that, um, fork in the road

where that trailer and those cars are,

and turn right, instead of going straight.

You'll save 40 minutes.

Uh, okay, guys, get back in the car.

Let's go. Let's go.

Get in the car. Get in the car. Get in the car.

[Otis cackling]

Oh, yeah! Ta-ta!

-Ta-ta! Ta-ta! -Bon voyage!

-Ta-ta! Ta-ta! -Break your legs!

Ta-ta! Ta-ta!

-Oh! -Ta-ta!

Ta-ta! Ta-ta!

[Otis cackling]

Arrrrgh!

[all chuckling]

What a bunch of idiots.

[trumpeting]

Yes, they are! [cackling]

They [indistinct].

[all cackling]

[Bill] Let me show you what we got.

-Oh, yeah! -[Peter] Wow.

[Bill] I'd say we're pretty set on the snack department here.

-Oh, okay. -Oh, okay, there we go.

-Chippies. -Oh.

And we got snack cakies here.

Including all the essentials. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like a buffet of, uh, junk food.

But the bag is leaking, Bill. What's going on?

Oh, that's just the chocolate syrup.

I put syrup over everything.

[Peter] Oh, give it a little seasoning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gonna be delicious.

But, Bill, why are you wearing a hard hat?

Oh, that's to stop the moon rock.

If the moon rock comes down, and tries to puncture my skull.

[chuckles] I always wear this outside the office.

Well, Bill, our mission is now beginning.

I'm psyched. I'm so ready for this thing.

But we've got to call the boss.

-The boss. -Got to call Parker.

The big P. Got to let him know.

-Got to let him know. -[line ringing]

-[beep] -Parker?

Mr. Parker?

We are about to fly the coop.

The mission is now beginning.

Do you hear me? The mission is beginning.

[tense music]

This makes daddy very happy.

[rock music playing on radio]

You know, weren't we supposed to do something here?

We were supposed to go somewhere.

No.

We already met the weed man.

I had no other plans today.

Yeah, dude. I'm right here.

Chilling with my besties and my best customers.

No, let me think for a minute.

Fuck, we were supposed to go meet Dawn.

Her boyfriend gave us those concert tickets.

Oh, shit.

Hold on, let me check my phone.

Shit, you're right.

She texted us an hour ago.

Says Scott left without us.

[Dufrain] Did I ever tell you guys about the time

I was an amateur race car driver?

Or that one time I had a cameo as a villain

in Rancho: Origin of a Hero Sandwich?

Dufrain, my mind is about to explode.

Just sit down and shut up.

We don't even have a ticket for him.

[Dufrain] Don't worry.

I've never paid for a single concert in my life.

Dufrain is a friend to every living creature.

Animals, plants, and of course humans.

All right, buckle up guys.

Get ready for hyperspeed.

[Dufrain] How long until we get to this rock and roll show?

Why are we driving so slow?

[Julia] I'm too stoned to drive fast.

[Lena] GPS says we're, like, two hours away.

Calm your, um, tits.

[tense music]

Mr. Parker, have our men started

their super secret mission?

-Are they on the road yet? -Shut up!

Oh my gosh, shut the door.

Shut the door, shut the door, shut the door.

[Parker] As far as everyone knows, those two men

didn't even show up for work today.

And if word gets out to the company,

it's going to be on you.

And then I'm going to have to send you

on a super secret mission.

Understood, sir.

Zip it, lock it, put it in your pocket.

Bye.

Keep it on the down low.

[Scott] Shut up!

[Dawn] Scott, you need to pay attention to stuff like that.

[Scott] I need to pay attention?

I mean, I'm getting you guys there safely.

I can't move mountains, you know?

[Papa] Oh, that's a good one.

Come on, please don't kill me, man.

I've got two wives and a kid at home!

[Papa] You're soon to have two ex-wives

and a little rat bastard running around.

Hey, you're on the fast track to hell, man.

[muffled] I just wanted to come to the festival, man!

And rock and roll.

[Papa] You like rock and roll?

Rock and roll, man.

[grunts]

[Papa] Rock and roll.

Hey, I like rock and roll.

Okay, you stay there.

Don't you talk back to me.

I'll come to eat ya later.

Rock.

And roll.

Rock and roll.

♪

Rock and roll.

[crack]

[sighs]

♪

Breaker, breaker.

6-9.

It's Poppa Bear.

Breaker, breaker.

6-9.

This here's Poppa Bear.

I might have let a few undesirables

through the threshold,

but Poppa Bear was slicing some meat.

Good news.

There's a rock and roll concert near base camp.

Even better news.

We're going to be eating for a long fucking time.

So, be ready.

[laughs]

[mutant] Okay, Poppa.

Poppa has great news. [laughs]

We have a concert coming our way.

[grunts] More meat on the menu.

Let's carve you up, baby.

Are you juicy enough yet?

This is only the first position of the menu to come.

[victim] Just wait 'til I'm fucking broke free.

-I'll fucking kill you all! -[mutant] Shut up.

[victim 2] If you fucking touch her, I'll fucking kill you.

[mutant] Oh, yeah?

I'd eat you right now,

but the ink on your meat

makes the meat taste like shit.

[mutant 2] The catch of the day.

Ugh, look at that painted desert. [laughs]

[screams]

[laughing]

Ah, yes!

[laughing]

All right. Tattoos, huh?

All right.

My mom said I can't have any yet.

You should be-- You guys twins?

-Yep, he's um-- -Oh, good.

There you go. By far, I'd say.

Excuse me. Here we go.

You're good. Wristbands.

-Thank you. -Yep, right this way.

Get the hell out of here.

We've got a lot of people comin' in.

What the hell's the matter with you guys?

-Hey, how are you? -Good.

-Right. -[metal detector squeaking]

She's good. You old enough to be here?

Take a wristband. Get out of here.

Right this way, please.

-How are you? -[girl] I'm good. How are you?

Good. Real good. Turn around, please.

This isn't about me.

Here we go. Oh.

Here you go.

All right. That way, please.

[announcer] The festival is now open.

No tickets. No entry.

The show is all sold out.

This is total bullshit.

You mean to tell me they have an event in our own backyard

and you can't even buy tickets at the door?

It doesn't even look sold out.

Yeah, that's right, baby. Yo, fuck the ops, all right?

We're getting in this motherfucker.

Hide your kids.

Hide your fucking wives.

We should be VIPs at this event.

We are VIPs, dude.

Very important penises.

Chernobog, you're a filthy man.

Y'all, it's just to drum up business and clout, okay?

They're making up fake hype, so the influencers

will tell their little followers that it's worth

going and double their sales for next year.

I got an idea.

I'll distract the ticket-taker,

while you guys all sneak in past him.

What are you going to do? Flash him on the way in?

Just like you did to get free pretzels

at the Renaissance Festival?

Literally, the king almost ordered

the knights "Off with her head."

Watch and see, boys.

She better not fuck this up.

I'll be shutting my eyes, though.

Whatever, Cherry Boggs, you asshat.

I'll be holding my nutsack for you, babe.

Fancy seeing you here. [laughs]

I seem to have forgotten where I put my ticket.

I always seem to forget something.

Sometimes I even forget to wear my panties.

Wow.

You want me to check it for you?

I should have never said that.

I'm just stuck in my old ways.

Just a pickle, boy.

Where do you think you last seen it?

Your underwear drawer?

Oh.

There it is.

Desert concert, see?

Great. Enjoy the show.

[sensual music]

[metal detector squeaks]

Look, buddy, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job.

Four dudes just snuck in when you were

hitting on that chick.

Is that so?

You know, in my profession, snitches get stitches.

So I'd watch your back.

You know what? Suit yourself.

I didn't know you were gonna reward criminals

for breaking the law.

Eat my hole.

Get out of my face before I call my fucking fixer

and I fuck up your whole weekend.

You know what? Take it easy, Pop.

[Edgar] Hit the fucking road, Jack.

You're telling me you're not going to do a sound check?

Where the Cali Bellends.

We don't need to rehearse.

Really?

Yes, and my guitar is self-tuning.

A self-tuning guitar?

Do you guys even know how to play?

Don't talk to my husband that way.

He's in recovery and he's working

on his image and this could set him back.

He knows how to shred.

[screams]

What have you done to my clients, huh?

You're out of your fucking mind!

You hurt their feelings!

[screams] Oh, baby.

Baby, are you okay?

Are you okay?

[squeals]

[sniffs, shrieks]

They all met...

at a group home, as children.

I adopted them.

I am stage mommy.

Stage mommy?

-Yes! -Group home?

What does that even mean?

[laughs] It means, I'm the fucking boss.

I need you.

You. You. You. Go.

Respect me!

[laughs]

Baby, you come, too.

You can go.

Oh, fuck you.

Fuck me? I fuck you. I fuck you! I fuck you!

[screaming]

More like California Raisins.

Watch out, watch out.

[laughing]

Nice shades. [squeals]

Is that a wig?

[laughs]

Are you coming?

Come here.

Oh, let's check out his nipples.

Ah!

Ah! [laughs]

Oh, hell no.

You use me. Use me! Use me!

Oh, mommy lose it.

Lose it!

Ah!

Man, Murphy, these rock star types

have every problem in the book.

-Mm-hmm. -Leaked nudes.

Marital problems.

Substance abuse.

Man, the list goes on and on.

Unbelievable.

Well, you know Don, you have your own vices.

You're addicted to hunting.

You collect those ridiculous wrestling figures.

[Don] Stop right there.

Those figures are an investment.

I buy one to rock and one to stock.

Well, I have this dream that my little cousin comes

into your house with pudding-covered hands,

tears open your figures and starts playing with them.

That ought to ruin the value.

How could you say that

after we've been friends for so many years?

I mean, ever since Steve introduced us

on the school bus back in, what, sixth grade?

No, that's not how it happened at all.

[clears throat] It was with Paul Nada

in the school lunchroom.

Don't you remember?

Oh yeah, I remember.

He came to the lunchroom with nada

in his lunchbox, stole all of our table scraps

and made those disgusting apple desserts.

Yeah, I remember.

He stole our rainbow yogurt, cookies,

and barbecue chips just to make that.

-Different time. -[Murphy] Yeah.

You know, I still remember that song.

Apple surprise!

It's so delicious!

Apple surprise!

Who the fuck knows what's in it?

[laughs] That was awesome.

So, Jonathan, you're gonna take care of all our little issues,

I don't have the time.

And where the hell is Dr. Beef Curtains?

Without him here, everybody's gonna ask for refunds.

Right away, madame.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ almighty.

Alright everybody, get in the motherfucking mosh pit.

Give it up for my main man, Dr. Beef Curtis.

And on the beat, Stormy Weathers.

Dr. Ass doesn't need any

professional producers or samples.

All he need is my beatboxing talent.

Check it.

[beat boxing]

Hello world, my name is Dr. Curtis.

My friends call me Dr. Ass.

Here's a song for your ass.

Word up.

I-- I just-- I can't do this.

-I just can't do this. -Come on.

Come on. I can't do this.

-Doc, you'll make some money. -I can't do this.

I thought I heard they sold at least 2,000 tickets.

If not, we're not going to make shit as a profit.

What about the 500 t-shirts I printed

in my garage with no ventilation?

I got so high off the fumes,

[sniffling]

I don't even know where I am right now.

-Nah. -Do you?

Do you?

[quirky beat]

I can't do this. I can't do this.

[urine splashing]

[Bill] Hey, um, Peter?

Yeah?

This has been the, uh, best quest of my life.

[sighing]

And, uh, I don't have many friends, you know.

[gentle classical music]

And questing with you is...

It's... It's really made up for all those...

All those wedgies and melvins over the years.

And if it was to all end now, and I were to die here,

I would...

I would die a happy man.

Bill, do you, um...

Do you have any kids? Are you married?

Bill, uh...

I'm sorry if that was a sore subject.

[splatting sound]

Bill?

Did you get hit by a moon rock?

What the hell was that noise, Bill?

You're coming on to me,

and now you want me to see it.

That's what it is?

You trying to show it to me, Bill?

You little wiener?

Bill?

Bill, what are you doing?

Bill, your dick is out.

Your dick is out.

-Put your dick away. -[trickling noise]

What are you doing?

Bill, what is that in your head?

Bill, what did you do? Raid the Halloween shop?

Oh, you can do special effects?

Oh, you had a secret talent?

This isn't funny, Bill.

This is not funny.

What are you doing? Put it away!

Yeah, Bill, very, very funny.

Get me out here, start saying

you like me, or whatever the hell you're saying.

Now pranking me.

Bill, it's not funny anymore.

You all right?

Bill, are you all right?

♪

[frantic music]

[screaming]

[mutant 2 grunting]

[growling]

[ominous music]

Parker?

Parker, can you hear me?

Parker, Bill, this fucking thing.

It shoved something in Bill's head, and he's dead.

He's fucking dead, Parker. Parker!

Parker, can you hear me?

-Parker? -Damn!

Oh, my. Ugh!

Why did the network want us to cover this event?

This place is a fucking dump.

There's absolutely no content here.

You've always got a thorn

in your side about something. You know,

you just got to be happy that the check even cleared.

Look, don't worry, guys.

Other than the network footage,

I'll just vlog the whole event, all right?

I have 10,000 subscribers.

I'm a real Chancey Billups.

Isn't that that guy that makes those shopping videos?

Didn't he make some trashy Bigfoot movie?

What are you guys doing?

Standing around like you're

some kind of fucking water cooler.

I paid your network big money

to cover my entire event,

from beginning to end,

and the show is about to start.

Yes, we're about to start,

and you're just standing around.

We paid your network good money.

Jonathan, how many times have I told you

not to repeat what I say?

Cretinous bonehead!

Ma'am, we were just looking for you,

and all we have to do is charge the camera.

No reason to scold us.

Whatever you say, dearie.

[quirky music]

[shudder]

[ominous music]

-[banging sound] -Oh, fuck!

Fucking tire, are you kidding?

Fuck me.

[sighing] Oh, okay.

All right.

Go fix the fucking tire.

Come on, let's go.

-All right. -Some guy time?

-Yeah, guy time. -Nice, bro.

Okay, cool. Where's the fucking tire, Dustin?

Oh, that's what that was for.

I-- I'm sorry, Scott.

I had to toss it to make room for the girls' luggage.

-It couldn't all fit. -Okay, take a look.

Do you see any luggage in there?

Where's the fucking luggage?

I knew I forgot something.

Boy, she's gonna be mad.

Okay, how have you survived this long on this planet?

Oh, my mom's really helpful.

-[sigh] Jesus. -Oh, he's good, too.

Walk away.

-Should I just... -Go!

Hey, Scott, can we drive on the rims?

Out of my way.

Um, no, we can't.

Uh, it looks like we're gonna be taking

the shoe leather express, so everyone out of the car.

What, we're walking to the concert?

I don't have the right shoes for this.

You fucking idiot, we're going back to the gas station.

I'm gonna beat the shit out of that moron attendant.

And...yeah, let's go.

Start hoofing it.

-Ugh. -Come on.

-Shut my door, please. -Okay.

Thank you.

Well, the boys blew it.

Now it's your turn.

Does that mean you consider me expendable, sir?

Absolutely not.

No one else can make my bird soup.

Okay, your mission, that that tracking device

that Theo is fondling, find the truck, and blow it up.

That's right. All you need to do

is you take this device and attach it

to anything you want gone.

And believe me, it'll blow it to smithereens.

So that's the-- that's the bomb.

This is the control trigger right there.

Just push that button when you're ready.

Is this more of your Get Dumb spy catalog equipment?

Hey, don't worry about that.

Just make sure there's no survivors.

Why'd you pick me for this mission?

Why not Theo?

Theo, look at him.

Oh, my God.

It looks like he modeled turtlenecks in the '70s.

I blush, sir.

That's not a compliment.

You leave at dawn's light.

If I go tomorrow, I must bring my son along with me.

It's my week to watch him.

That's fine, as long as you complete the mission.

Can I go?

'Cause I-- I love adventures, sir.

Yeah, you shouldn't be around children.

All right, go. Let's do this. Team!

[faint background chatter]

[quirky music]

[eerie music]

All right, you know what?

This was a really, really bad idea.

This road leads to nowhere, and you dumb fucks

were all so sure that this was the way to Dr. Ass.

Now, we're probably all going to become vulture food.

I hope you're all real fucking happy.

It's better than punching an innocent old man in the face.

[Dustin] It's kind of peaceful out here.

Okay, you know what? That's it.

I've had enough of this shit.

We've been walking in the same direction

for another hour and a half, and I see nothing.

I hear nothing.

That old fuck Otis back at the gas station

gave us really bad directions. I think it was on purpose.

I'm going to go back and kill him.

And you know what? After that, we're done.

It's not working out.

I'm going to go back to my main bitch.

What?

You remember that old fart's name,

but you don't remember my birthday?

Instead, you get us these lame, cheap tickets, and this?

This is all your fault.

You have no one to blame but yourself.

[scoffing] Wow.

Well, I certainly know when I'm not needed.

So you know what?

You dipshits can have fun walking in that direction

until the end of time, for all I care.

But you know what? Big Dick Energy right here?

He's out.

So, have a great life.

Have fun at the show.

Whatever, Scott. Whatever.

Yeah, why don't you ask your buddy Jesus for directions?

How about that, Dustin? Take care.

More like slightly above average Dick Energy.

Dick.

[creepy electric guitar]

Get your custom one of one t-shirt designs.

Screen printed with industry standard ink.

And the cleverest of slogans.

We have it all. "I'm with stupid."

"Skate fast, eat ass."

Put it on a tee for ten dollars only.

I'm just not sure. Ten bucks is a lot of lettuce.

Are your t-shirts decent quality?

Of course. My tees are S-tier quality.

I ship in blanks from the Dominican Republic.

Cost me 40 cents wholesale.

Well, I guess I'll take one size large,

"I'm with stupid," and a selfie on a shirt.

How should I get my photo to you to print it?

Oh, no problem.

Just hand over your phone to me

and come up at the end of the day

to pick up your new favorite tee.

Oh, I can't pass up on this opportunity.

♪

Now listen, little lady.

I'm not gonna give you another warning.

Stop fidgeting in your seat.

I need you to be completely still

to get the proportions correct.

Sorry. I had too much candy for breakfast.

Again, this festival has, like, no healthy options.

That's not my fault.

I start every day with

a healthy wartime breakfast of unsweetened grapefruit

and a tall black coffee.

It does the body and the bowels good, if you know what I mean.

Ew. That sounds like prison food.

And honestly, that also sounds like

a better way to lose your bowels.

Step right up. Isn't it a beautiful sight?

Just like my mini Zen garden at my home,

or my perfectly pruned bonsai trees.

Check out all my colorful sands.

Did you know?

Sand has been in existence since the dawn of time.

You working hard or hardly working?

It's just you, balloon man.

I can say the same to you.

You still huffing on those balloons for your breaks?

No, I quit that days ago.

Is your wife still bone-dust dry in your wacky sand,

or did she finally run out?

Keep your voice down. Feds could be watching.

I don't want to have to change my identities again.

[upbeat rock music]

So. All right, Tex.

What do you want me to paint on your face?

Do you want one of these stencils?

Do you want a shape like a circle, square, a star?

Star is my favorite.

I guess if I had to choose one, I'd pick a square.

From my years as a square dancing champion,

back in my salad days.

Okay.

Alright, country guy.

I knew you were green acres.

[loud rock music]

Finally!

Sweet freedom!

I need to stretch my legs like nobody's business.

Yeah, I've got a charley horse

from my knees straight up to my gooch.

I hope I don't have testicular torsion

from sitting so long.

Uh, ladies.

A little help over here.

Sometimes my inner thigh

doesn't keep up with my gluteal group.

Who might you be?

I'm Norman. I'm a rock star.

Lead singer of The Cali Bellends.

Isn't Bellends another word for...

Well hey, how about you two join us.

You know, in my band's trailer,

I just picked up this other lot lizard.

You know, but the more the merrier.

What the fuck is a lot lizard?

The only reason why I agreed to hang out

with you and your old ass band is for the drugs.

How hard do you party?

Not as hard as back in the '80s, but we party pretty damn hard.

No, she's talking about party favors, man.

Oh, we got that covered.

We've got streamers and birthday cake and goodie bags.

You name it.

[Peter] You know, I thought this was going to be

an easy, fun quest.

Not some whole big thing like this.

I'm not a quest type.

It's that fucking Sackhead guy.

That stupid Sackhead killed my best friend.

Then, he tried to get me. You know what I did?

I threw food in his fucking face.

Sackhead. I-- I thought it must have been some real ug-mug

putting something on his head like that.

You know, I don't-- I don't look that great,

but I don't-- I don't put a sack on my head.

So, this guy's killing people because he's an ugly fuck.

Follow the dot. Follow the dot.

I don't know where the fucking dot's going.

Is it going this way?

Or is it going this way? I just see a dot.

I don't know which way the dot goes.

I see a dot like this, but it could be going any fucking way.

So, this doesn't-- shouldn't mean anything.

-It's just a fuck-- -[rustling]

The fuck is that, a tumbleweed?

Tumbleweed's stuck to the fucking ground.

The fuck? I thought these things blew away.

These aren't going anywhere. Tumbleweeds, my ass.

Hey, Star, easy on the hair system.

But it just feels so fake.

I can't believe we're in a real band's trailer.

Huge W for us.

Yeah, but where's Dawn and everyone else?

No one's texted me back.

Don't worry your pretty little heads.

Kids don't check their phones these days.

Kids? Do you kids need some help with your homework?

I'm quite the math wizard.

Ah! Kids! There's that word again!

I'm a man!

♪ Does it make you feel black ♪

♪ Does it make you feel grey ♪

Okay, there's a band in here.

This is what people want to see.

Welcome! Come on in. Don't mind the smell.

We haven't been near a washing machine in quite some time.

And ignore the rubbish and the newspapers piling up.

-We have a pet rabbit. -Oh, nice.

Can we just sit anywhere?

Wherever you like. You know, we love the media.

Perfect.

Don't fuck this up.

♪ Come to me now ♪

♪ No explanation ♪

Can you believe Scott left us?

It was my birthday weekend

and he left me in the middle of the desert?

My parents were right. He was just using me.

Just forget Scott.

Let's just try to focus on getting to this concert.

Guys, check out this old ghost town.

We must be close to civilization.

Stupid Scott. He left too soon.

[farting]

Excuse me.

What?

Dustin? Where the hell did you go?

Oh, my God, if you're playing hide and seek right now,

this isn't the time.

I'm scared.

-[groaning] -I hope he's okay!

[phone ringing]

Hello?

-[Dr. Low] Dustin. -Where am I?

[Dr. Low] I'm so ashamed of you.

You didn't show up for a therapy session again.

You pull this one more time and I'm no longer your doctor.

Dates and schedules are all part of being an adult.

Hey, hello Dustin.

Any response? Hey, what's going on?

Hey, are you my doctor?

[mutant 1] Yes. Time for surgery.

Oh no. Doctor, you're inside me.

Wait. That's what-- that's what she said.

[Dr. Low] Hey, hello Dustin. Any response?

Hey, what's going on? Are you avoiding me Dustin?

One more of these Dustin, I'm gonna drop you as a client.

Fucking stupid bitch back there.

I don't need them. They do need me though.

What are you going to do?

Where the fuck am I?

[fake female voice] Hey, baby.

Do you want to come in my bush?

[Jason] What the fuck? Who the fuck is this?

[fake female voice] I got my limbs spread

wide open for you.

If it's fucking Dustin, I will fucking murder you.

[fake female voice] Why don't you come over

and show me what you got?

Where are you?

[fake female voice] Just come follow my voice.

I got a nice, sweet surprise for you.

[Scott] All right.

[fake female voice] Let's get that tea bag

in some hot water, baby.

Right out here?

[fake female voice] Right here.

-Let's see what you got. -[zipper unzipping]

Fuck it.

All right. This is an interesting night.

-[groaning] -[mutant 2] Ooh, this is tasty.

-[groaning] -[slurping]

-[squishing] -Oh, hey. Careful.

Come on, careful, careful.

-[growling] -Hey, take it easy. Fuck!

[Jason screaming]

[scream echoing]

What was that?

I don't know.

Come on, let's go inside.

I'm pretty sure that was Scott.

It sounded like he was in pain.

Yeah, but we're obviously not alone.

So, first Dustin goes missing, now Scott?

We just need to hide out here until morning.

What if this is one of Scott's elaborate pranks?

God, what if it's not?

We'd be in serious fucking danger.

Either way, I'm glad we have each other.

Imagine being out here alone.

[mutant 1] Where'd those bitches go?

We got the last two dicks.

I can smell the other two queefing in the desert.

[mutant 3] I can't wait to eat them.

[mutant 2] No. Poppa said we must keep the girls alive.

Woo! [screaming]

Hey, stage mommy, over here.

I got something for you.

[June] Don't talk to her like that.

That's disrespectful. Stop it.

-[Lucy] Oh! A whole dollar! -Chaney, stop it.

Right now!

-Stop it. -So rude.

Can I get a slap next?

[June] Oh, I've had enough of you.

Oh, my fucking God.

This is gold.

-[growling] -[Lucy shouting]

Keep filming, come on.

Hey, Meg. I have one request.

You have to be careful. You've got all my children.

You have to do whatever you can

to put them all in a beautiful, positive

beautiful light.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes.

We're gonna make everyone look great.

-Mommy. -What?

Might I please have some more drugs?

[Lucy] Move yourself.

Can I please have some more drugs, Mommy?

Watch your head, Mommy.

-[Lucy scatting] -Watch your head, Mommy.

[Lucy] They're laughing. This bitch is laughing.

[June] I'm laughing 'cause you're a joke.

Calling all aliens, Martians,

and Anunnaki humanoids from Planet X.

Show yourself.

Come to me and use my body as a vessel

for your ancient teachings.

Speak through me.

[recorded rifle shot playing]

Y'all out here looking for the same thing I'm looking for?

If it's big, hairy and smells of ass,

then we're on the same page.

My followers,

it appears that an alien being

has taken control over this man's body and soul.

Uh, no.

Oh, my precious star child,

you bear proof that mind control is real.

That sounds like trepanation.

You know, the ancient art of drilling a hole

through your skull so that it can awaken the third eye.

I saw that in a movie once about a mathematician who...

who loves to eat pie.

Pies? I'm personally impartial to old fashioned cherry pie.

But I've tried Key Lime pie

when I was in the Keys a few years back.

Quite frankly, the most best pie ever.

Rhubarb. Rhubarb pie is where it's at.

People, people, people.

Quit thinking with your stomachs

and get your heads back in the game.

This is an alien hunting and information gathering event,

not a damn bake-off.

Is there anybody else who wishes to join us tonight?

[chanting]

[recorded rifle shots playing]

[chanting continues]

Followers, we have visitors.

-[mutants growling] -And they're ugly.

-And they smell bad. -[screaming]

And they're mean!

-[slashing and squishing] -[screaming]

[gentle acoustic instrumental]

Junior, can you help me out just this once?

Please stop unloading everything I just put in the vehicle.

Can you help me out just this once?

Do you want to have a frickin' black eye?

Cut it out!

This is very important to my boss.

If I fail, I could get fired!

Fuck you, Mom. You're a motherfucker.

You could say I'm a rebel.

You could say I'm bad to the bone.

Get in the car. Get in the car!

Put me down you fucking bitch!

Put me down, you bitch!

[mother] Get in there. Get in there right now.

-[Junior] Fuck you! -[mother] Get in there..

Get in there before I shut the door on you.

-Fuck you! -[mother] Get in there.

Junior.

♪

[engine rumbling]

Help, help!

This bitch is kidnapping me! Help!

Help! Help! Help!

Thanks a lot. Enjoy the show.

Check in over there.

I gotta scan it. Nice shirt.

Oh, I don't know. Someone just threw it at me.

I don't need your life story, pal.

Just getting you scanned in.

Good. Fuck off.

Wow. Look at this fucking beauty.

Looks right up your alley.

No, don't fuck with me, I'll fuck you up.

Bot in the mood.

Greetings and salutations, young man.

That's my ticket for this fine establishment.

Oh, I'm so glad you made it here safely.

But you know this is a rock concert,

not the 1964 World's Fair.

Just for that comment, you don't get any cookies.

[snorting laugh]

And you don't flip your lid,

because I really don't want one of your cookies.

[woman] That man is all show and no go.

What a boob.

[detector whirring]

Edgar, this fucking thing doesn't work.

[woman laughing]

♪

Okay, so far we have filmed inside

some trashy rock band trailer. We have no footage.

Nothing.

I hope today goes better.

Guys, I don't really like it in here.

It's kind of creepy.

I don't know what you're talking about.

That was a great band interview.

Dude, I love their hit song, "Berries and Cream".

-Hi, guys. -Ah!

-Fuck! -I'm Nathan with the Fun Police.

Why do you look so down?

Well, um, Nathan,

first of all, you scared the shit out of us.

And second, our network

is making us cover this shitty event.

So, sorry that we are not very happy right now.

You know what? I can help with that.

I've entertained thousands, from eight to 80.

I started off at a pizza parlor in Florida back in the '90s.

Um, Fun Police, is it?

I'm sure your life story

is not going to make me any happier.

Sounds kind of sad.

And now I'm getting kind of a headache.

Could you just... go?

♪

Pssht.

[music fades]

Thank you.

Thank you!

Have a good day!

He was pumping that thing,

it sounded like a goddamn heartbeat.

You know what? That was creepy.

-Don't be gross. -Weird.

Creepy as fuck.

Man, this trailer is weak.

Protective Soul had two microwaves

and a full-size refrigerator.

This trailer doesn't even have a television.

[dissonant rock music]

-[door slams] -[Lucy moaning]

Baby, I wanna...

go all the way. All the way in.

[loud grunting and squealing]

[grunting continues]

[loud squeal]

[gasps] You fucking slut!

That's my man you're getting freaky with!

You'll fuck any old aging rock star!

[groans] This is my eighth time coming

Listen, you don't understand.

I get very, very lonely on the road.

I fuck your husband.

Keep me company.

I'm really jealous of you!

You know, when him wearing the wig?

He's a really stud.

You motherfucker. You can't even come.

[laughing]

[yelping]

-Stop! Stop it-- -[June] Oh, her?

She's a fucking whore.

Whore. Whore.

[both gasping]

How could you? How could you?

[grunting]

You can't come.

♪ I'm sitting on the toilet ♪

♪ Staring at my phone ♪

♪ Don't really have to go ♪

♪ Just wanted some time alone ♪

♪ I'm sitting on the toilet ♪

♪ Staring at my phone ♪

What's up, my dudes?

It is your favorite mosh pit reporter, Meg Otto,

and we are about to get comfy with the streamer,

rapper, and singer, Dr. Beef Curtis.

Not yet! Not yet.

Dr. Asshole is nowhere to be found!

I'll tell you when to go live.

Okay, don't touch the lens. What do you mean?

There's thousands of people watching!

Oh, my God. I have found the truck.

[phone ringing]

Right to voicemail?

You send me out on a mission,

a secret mission to find a truck!

I found the goddamn truck, Parker!

Pick up the goddamn phone! You know what?

I'm gonna find someone with another phone,

and I'm gonna call you, and you're gonna pick it up

and tell me what the fuck to do!

I don't get why you're not picking up!

You know what I'm gonna find..

...Depend on,

and I'm gonna find someone who has a goddamn phone

and Parker's gonna talk to my goddamn ass,

and I'm gonna know what to do!

Oh, thank God the keys are here!

Oh, thank God!

Wesley, I don't know why you're acting like a hundred years old.

This is a rock concert, not an opera.

This was your idea.

I love Cali Bellends, but...

I'd really rather be home with a nice, warm cardigan

curled up in front of the fire, with a good book.

Really not helping your case any.

Boy, Rico, I sure am glad our relationship

is still as fiery as the day we met.

You remember the time the dolphin tried to get busy

with the trainer at the Ocean World Exhibit?

Please butt out of our conversation.

This is between me and my husband here.

Now Wesley, hurry up and pick out a cookie flavor.

We got three different flavor cookies out here.

We got chocolate chip, oatmeal.

Uh, I'll have the chocolate chip.

It seems to be the most mild.

I don't want to get the runs or anything.

Well, I'm feeling a little bit adventurous.

Well, we'll see about that.

I'm young, I'm dumb, and I'm full of, you know what.

What's your problem, bud?

You don't talk to ladies like that, especially not my wife.

I'll come over this counter,

slap you in a cross face chicken wing, rip your nut sack.

Whoa, Wesley, I didn't know you had it in ya.

-The bitch is back, babe. -Ooh. [moaning]

Yeah, motherfucker, what Wesley said.

Get me and my girl two Reaper cookies, and make that snappy.

Cookies. Free cookies.

Anybody want free cookies?

They taste really good.

Free cookies.

-Free cookies, come on. -Hey, I'll take one.

-Thanks. -You're welcome.

[muttering] Stupid fool.

Cookies. Free cookies.

Man, I feel kind of famished over here.

Looks like they're giving out free cookies over there.

Doctor Ass is too famous for walking in the crowd.

Go grab me a dozen of those cookies.

I might have 1.5 in the bank,

but free is free. You feel me?

They taste mighty good.

They'll make you feel good, too.

Hey, come on. Free cookies.

Everybody wants a cookie.

♪

Guess who secured the cookie dough, homies?

Yeah.

Mm! These are great.

Wow!

Starting to feel a little good though, too.

Tastes good, but I'm feeling good as well.

-Feeling like I'm on cloud nine. -I feel it.

Feeling like I'm floating with the stars up in here.

I'm feeling it. I'm feeling the same way.

Hey, hey, hey, I need your tickets.

Where you guys going?

Stop.

Gotta get your tickets.

♪

♪

[flatulence sound]

♪

I don't know who you fucking cretins are,

but you're not getting by me without a fucking ticket.

And this is not a fucking Halloween festival.

What is it with these fucking costumes?

These fucking guys, they're fucking creeping me out, man.

You're giving me fucking nightmare.

Oh, you fucking bit--

-[cackling] -One in the stink.

You bit my finger off!

You fucking dickhead motherfucker.

Cocksuckers!

Fucking piece of shit.

Hey, hey, he's choking.

Get that finger out of his asshole.

If you would have listened to me last time.

[menacing laughter]

Hey! What are you doing!

Come on. I smell some fresh meat.

-Let's get out of here. -Now!

[elegant classical plays]

Stop that. Junior, what are you doing?

Cut it out, Junior.

You are driving me nuts. Junior, cut it out.

Sit back, Junior.

What even is this place?

I think this device is faulty, Junior.

You need to stay in the car. This is not a place for kids.

But, madre, over there, there's some kid.

And he's probably my age, too.

So, fuck off!

You little shit, Junior. Get back here!

Or you're not going to make it

to the seventh-grade spring fling.

♪

[sniffing]

[cheers and applause]

[crowd chanting] Cali Bell! Cali Bell!

Hey, guys. It's Meg Otto

with one of the biggest fans of Cali Bellends.

Wesley, so what do the Bellends mean to you?

Uh, this band means everything to me.

I've been spinning their record since I lost my V-card.

Okay, uh, that is TMI, my dude.

I'm so glad you got to see them, though.

Alright, so...

Yeah, well, that was a few months ago, but...

Give me that mic!

No one cares to hear about this weirdo's life story!

Hey, everybody watching,

it's Missy, and I like to get busy!

Whoo! And I want to be your next idol!

[vocalizing]

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I need that microphone back, please.

-Fuck this. -No, no, where are you going?

Hey, come on, we need you!

[sighs] Not this again.

Missy, like I've always told you,

your singing voice is grotesque!

That fucking bitch.

One time, one time I can be famous...

...on MTV, talking about my favorite band, a band I love.

If she wasn't a woman, I'd have knocked her the fuck out.

God!

[ominous music]

What the fuck are you looking at?

I'll put you in a half-quarter melvin, motherfucker.

[grunting]

You starting to piss me off,

you douchey-looking Colonel Sanders!

[screaming] Ah!

[screaming]

I don't get it.

Parker sends me on a super-secret mission.

He ignores my calls. He won't pick up.

And then some fucking thing kills my very best friend.

My brand-new best friend, and he kills him!

So now I guess I'm at some random fucking bullshit concert,

and I guess I'm gonna be rocking now.

What the fuck else am I supposed to do except for fucking rock?

Parker won't pick up the goddamn phone,

so I'm a fucking rock-and-roll fiend now,

for fuck's sake!

Sack tap!

Sack tap!

Hey ladies, I'm from the panty police.

I'm here to collect. Are you holding?

Sorry, I don't wear panties.

Oh no, my mom told me not to talk to twats.

[suspenseful music]

Hey, ladies, watch this.

Sack tap!

Dumb-ass kid. The balls are up here.

Hey, ladies, head tap!

-[laughing] -[flesh squelching]

[woman crying]

There's so much fighting in the world of rock.

Can't we all just get along?

I wish The Peach were here right now.

He always knew just the right thing to say.

I always thought ted brings me good luck.

-[emotional music] -So I made a hundred of them.

I changed every day, but it did not.

I want some good life advice

because the rock-and-roll world just so stressful.

You know why I'm so sad?

You know why?

Because after this tour,

I retire as their stage mommy.

But I love them. I love them so much.

[sobs] I love them.

-That's okay. -It's okay?

You think it's okay? Huh?

-Okay. -You'll be all right.

Okay. Blessing to them.

I love them. They're my children.

They're my children. I'm their mommy.

I'm hungry now.

Sorry.

-You think I'm crazy? -No, no, no.

-No. -No, thank you.

No, thanks.

[suspenseful music]

Hey, stage mommy. Here's your poppa!

I love sushi and silicon.

[all screaming]

Junior, where the fuck are you?

Fucking, fucking kids never fucking listen.

Junior! Junior, get here right now!

What the fuck is this shit?

[eerie music]

[groaning]

-Ah! -[glass shatters]

What the fuck, lady?

I'm fixing to sue you for everything you've got.

I'm so sorry. Have you seen Junior?

Get the fuck off! Fucking asshole.

[screaming]

Why'd you do that?

They're not real, but they're really expensive.

[screaming]

Hey, asshole. First of all, you don't have a ticket.

Second of all, you fucked up her titty.

I'm gonna fuck you up, shitface.

Ooh, titty.

Fuck. I'm fucking done.

Done. I'm gonna call them, and I'm gonna quit.

I'm fucking over this.

[screaming]

He ate my dick and balls.

What?

He ate my dick and balls.

Help!

Somebody help!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

[indistinct] I got you, I got you.

So fucking gross.

Fuck, fuck.

[Scott groans] Is it ruined?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

He said, "I ate his dick and balls."

And goddamn, were they juicy and tasty.

Is this thing on?

Hello? Test? Are you hard of hearing?

You got shit in your ears?

Let me introduce myself.

My name is Poppa, and I'm pleased to eat you.

No, I'm pleased to meet you.

Oh, fuck, I'm gonna do both.

Come here, cunt.

Choke on that shit, reporter.

They never made it to prime time.

Well, here you go.

[flesh squelching]

Ah!

Ooh, that's not gluten-free.

Mm. Mm.

Hey, Star, how about you get out there?

And warm up the crowd, you know.

What do you think?

All right, love.

-[rock music] -[crowd cheering]

Who's ready to rock?

Who's ready for the Cali Bellends?

[cheering]

Oy, you're the techie here, right? You're the technician?

-Yeah, that's me. -All right.

What the fuck is this shit?

It's a cassette tape.

What, are you born yesterday?

Yeah, but I don't even know if

I can actually play the cassette tape.

Well, mate, you're gonna have to figure it out.

You've got one fucking job here.

We've been lip-syncing since the '80s, all right?

And nobody's to know.

Mum's the word. You know?

Got it? Don't be a wanker.

You make it work.

Okay, do I have to rewind this shit?

Make it work.

-Got it? -All right.

-All right? -All right.

-All right. All right? -All right, I got it.

-All right? -All right.

Yeah! Let's hear it for my main squeeze, Star!

Oh, my.

Was that great or what? Give it up to Star.

Did you guys see that her tits--

Oh, sorry, I'm not supposed to say that word.

I got in trouble last time.

Oh, but was that great or what?

You guys are in for a treat.

This is the 15-year reunion comeback show

of the Cali Bellends. Are you ready for this?

All right, put your hands together for the band.

Take it away, guy!

-All right. -Yeah.

Ready? One, two, three, four!

[rock music]

One, two, three.

[crowd cheering]

...three, four, five.

Let's go! Rock 'n' roll!

♪ We come to life after dark ♪

♪ The night is cold so here's a scarf ♪

♪ I hear the whispers in your eyes ♪

♪ The neon signs will tell few lies ♪

♪ City lights, they shine for me ♪

♪ Our hearts are beating loud and free ♪

♪ I am sweating like a small baboon ♪

♪ You know the dawn will come too soon ♪

♪ Do you want to run with me? ♪

What the hell is this?

I don't know. Is that a fucking sock in his pants?

-Yeah, it looks like it. -Oh, wow.

Get off the fucking stage!

♪ Take my keys and we'll drive, young and alive ♪

Go back to the-- the convenience store.

♪ The trumpets ring when the angels call ♪

♪ Which is strange ♪

You took me to this fucking shit?

-Well, it was cheap. -Oh, you fucking idiot.

♪ Sticky like a [indistinct] in-- ♪

Get out of the way, there's a fucking guy-- Look out, asshole!

There's a fucking guy after me. Help me, help me.

Help me, help me. Someone help me!

Guys, help me! Come on!

Come on, come on!

Please, someone help me, come on!

Shit.

Somebody help me, come on! Help, help, come on! Somebody!

Somebody, help me, help me!

♪ I can smell excitement in your eyes ♪

-[screaming] -[flesh squelching]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

-Ah! -[crowd screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

-Woo! -[crowd cheering]

[screaming]

Yeah, yeah.

[groaning]

♪ Go to nursing homes and set them free ♪

♪ We're so young and alive, young and alive ♪

You think you got talent?

♪ The fire of death is so fresh ♪

-[flesh squelching] -Oy!

I'm Norman the rock star!

I have a bigger cock than Dick Head.

Fuck you!

[screaming]

VIP? We made it.

Oh, wow. Cool.

VIP.

Hey, a roadie.

Ooh, VIPs.

You look like you could use a tampon.

I don't know about that, but you need to get waxed.

My ex-girlfriend's pussy looks way better than that.

That's a good one, Ricky Martin.

Hey, I guess a foursome's out of the question.

[all] Fuck, no.

Ooh, but that's part of the VIP experience.

[screaming]

Was that as good for you as it was for me?

I didn't think so.

"The Glory Hole". [chuckling]

Hey, it's occupied, asshole.

What the fuck?

Is that a dick on your face?

Hey, cum dumpster.

Head for head?

Oh, shit.

[screaming]

Open wide.

Suck it. Suck it.

Suck my dick.

[gargling]

Oh, shit.

Watch out, fathead.

Fuck!

Oh, fuck you.

Lick my balls.

Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.

[laughing]

Damn, that concert's getting good.

What the fuck's that camera doing--

[growling]

[growling]

Oh, a camera.

A camera.

Gonna upload this on my sex channel.

Don't forget to like and subscribe.

Oh, shit.

♪

Need something to throw at me?

Here you go.

[screaming]

Doctor Beef, your whole ever-loving ass is gone, man.

What?

A real booty meal?

Kinky.

Say it ain't so.

Not Doctor Ass' moneymaker.

What the hell is he doing back there?

I think he's eating your ass.

What the-- what the hell,

is he eating my ass?

Shit, that means I will never twerk again?

Look, we'll get you some good quality butt pads.

All the best influencers wear them.

♪

Maybe she can help us.

She looks kind of crazy.

Cookies can help.

Um, hi.

We don't need cookies, we need help.

-We need real help. -I will help you.

[screaming]

[mutant laughing]

[screaming]

You know what goes good with cookies?

Milk! [laughing]

[screaming]

[growling]

♪

[mutants cackling]

[cackling continues]

Hey, girls, remember me?

I'm your old pal, Otis Brownstein.

That's that old fool that gave us

the bad direction to the gas station.

Thanks a lot.

You're friends with these stinking fucking mutants?

They're my family.

We don't like the term "mutant".

We prefer the term genetically-challenged.

[newscaster] Specifically, the police are also looking for

the band The Cali Bellends,

as they seem to have disappeared under suspicious circumstances.

What are you doing with us?

Why are we in our underwear?

Don't worry, your privates are safe.

We are all cursed in the genital department.

You see, my family has their organs all in the wrong places.

They got boobs for heads, dicks for noses,

and pussies for faces.

And last but not least, assholes for mouths.

[sucking, slurping]

We are all in an empty void.

[screaming]

-Nothing there. -[cackling]

Surprise!

You see.

I just wish the love of my life, Muriel, was here for this.

Muriel organized everything.

She was killed in the battle this afternoon.

I'm sorry, Mommy. Party foul.

My balls were sweaty and they fogged up my goggles.

I hate when that happens.

I forgive you.

But now...

I have my angel, Dawn. Mwah!

When I first laid eyes on her at my gas station,

I know she was more than just food,

but a partner who could give me the gift of new life.

Then how do you reproduce?

Mama!

Fetch me the dick syringe!

It's time for me to get pregnant.

♪

[screaming]

[cackling]

♪

-You ready? -[Otis] Yes!

Fire away.

[screaming]

[shouting]

♪

I-- It's birthing! I'm birthing!

Ooh, the baby's coming!

[groaning]

[mutants cackling]

[baby crying]

[screaming]

His penis is in the right place!

It worked! It has appeared!

[baby crying]

I'm a mommy again!

[screaming]

♪

Hey, guys, don't you think the story about the fiends

would make a great, great movie?

I mean, I would love to play a monster in it if they make it.

I always wanted to be a thespian and be in films.

These outdoor concerts are getting out of control.

I'm so glad I no longer have to cover these types of events.

No longer is Alexandra Joner going to talk music.

I think now I'm going to talk about sports.

Deformed people at a rock concert,

committing terrible acts of violence.

Report after report of missing people are pouring in

for those that attended the Desert Fiends Fest in Nevada.

Would you believe my wife wanted to go to that concert?

I'm so glad I'm cheap with my funds.

This reporter always loved nature and the wilderness.

Heck, I would hike every weekend.

Well, I used to hike every weekend, but you know what?

Forget that.

The creatures are true monsters.

I've been covering this story now for over two weeks,

and we have yet to find any clues

as to where the suspects have gone.

Their next search is gonna be in the mines area.

Let's hope they have better luck.

Record sales for The Cali Bellends album

are going crazy.

This is the first time that an album over 30 years old

is charting at the number one spot.

Oh, wow, you're telling me The Cali Bellends are back?

I was, like, their biggest fan ever.

I even drank their short-lived pop.

Music festival this summer in the Nevada desert.

I mean, right there, that's--

I mean, AI pop-up...

You know, I mean, the heat index in Nevada, that's--

That would be murder.

Another update on madness at the Desert Fiends Fest

tonight, at 8:00 p.m.

I'm sure it's gonna be juicy.

We've been following this story for weeks.

It's so insane.

I can't believe they haven't caught the killers.

I'm going to head over to the scene myself to cover this.

Dude, I mean, I really--

I really think I want to turn this into a film. Yeah.

[indistinct] with DJ Beef Curtis' music

and he stole my shit.

I'm glad that motherfucker lost his ass.

Worse than these stale cookies

I was supposed to sell at that concert.

I would have been dead for sure.

I've seen videos of that event.

Oh, my God, was it cheesy.

I think they had face painting and sand art.

What is this, the Towson Town Festival in 1997?

Oh, my God.

Wait, why am I trying to get views talking about this crap?

Have I completely sold out?

This is Shadow Alley, people.

We talk about horror movies and silicone masks

and important things in the world.

Not this crap.

Sorry for talking about this crap.

Let's get back to the good stuff.

The only good thing is when the girlies lifted the shirts

and showed their assets.

Other than that, it only brings out the fiend.

Now coming in that numerous outdoor festivals

have decided to cancel due to fears that

the so-called "Desert Fiends" could attend.

That concert was a total front.

Who in their right mind

would want to see these crap acts perform?

Well, yeah, I like going to events

and concerts and the like.

But I think my days at them are coming to an end, man.

Why are there so many crappy bands these days?

I mean, Doctor Ass?

What the hell is this world coming to?

Oh, let's put concerts to rest, already.

I mean, they're always such a nightmare.

This one time, I went to one...

I mean, did you guys get a look at the people?

I mean, what was up with their faces?

I mean, they're really messed up.

I mean, that one guy looked like he had

a "see you next Tuesday" on his face.

We love the fiends.

-Yes. -I love the fiends.

I want them to sign my ass.

Like, just like this.

You guys keep doing what you're doing, okay?

You need any help?

It looks like they already did.

-Give me a call, okay? -Look at that.

I mean, the whole thing

sounds like one of those bad horror films.

It's like that guy who makes those Amityville movies.

Uh, God, who watches that junk?

I wonder if the fiends will start showing up

at all the concerts now.

They must hate music.

Man, I wish I almost went to that concert.

Yes, the fiends might have killed me,

but if they did, I would be famous.

I hope nothing happens to Meg from the music show.

I mean, she was my number one crush, and, um...

TV's just not gonna be the same.

It's not going to be worth watching without them.

So there are people with genitals on their faces?

Ha, nice joke, guys.

Call me crazy, guys,

but I want to check out that concert location myself.

I need to see where this all happened.

I would love to be chased by a fiend.

But with the fiends and their murders,

I feel like I could make videos

on this subject for the rest of my life.

Yes!

I was so ready to finally do my first live show.

But you know what?

I'm way too scared the fiends might be there!

For the first time after a 15-year hiatus,

The Cali Bellends.

Congrats to our winners who get to watch

this exciting event with us live.

I'm so glad I got sick

and didn't attend what would have been my first concert.

But it would have been so fun to have been on the news.

What are fiends?

I mean, why are those killers being called fiends?

I just don't get it.

They should be called monsters.

Gilbert, the details of your mission cannot leave this room.

I won't let you down.

I hope not.

Because you're easy to replace.

I can handle this.

We'll see.

I need you to make my soup.

My soup is very important to me.

It has to be hot. It has to be nice.

Because it's for me and the bird.

Lunchtime is bird time for me.

Never interrupt me and the bird when we're having lunch.

Okay?

Toilet paper.

Two-ply only.

Not one-ply.

Two-ply only.

I need you to go to a big box store.

Give me 1,000 rolls of two-ply toilet paper.

There's a storage container buried underground

1,000 feet in the back.

Put it there, lock it up,

protect it with your life.

Is there anything else I can do?

We'll see how you deal with the soup.

And the toilet paper.