Original subtitles

Now I know why I kept running out of yarn.

Don't worry, darling, I'll grow into it.

Well, listen, if you don't, uh, you could always sell it to Wilt Chamberlain.

That's my sweater!

Come here. Sit down.

And now, my dear brother-in-law,

some special birthday goodies we all put together.

The envelopes, please.

I get an Oscar for being 65?

Two tickets for the opening game of the New York Mets.

And, Moe, if you want company, Walt just loves basketball.

Baseball, Amy. That's what they play. Baseball.

Oh, Walt, you... you take your games so seriously.

A ball game is a ball game.

Sightseeing tour around Manhattan with the girl of your choice.

Pussycat, I could make my choice right now.

Hey, hey, knock that off. Look at him, the delicatessen Don Juan.

But look what you got instead.

Moe, I have here two tickets to the spiciest show in town.

From you, Father Mike?

That's right, and I want a full report on this,

being as I'm not going myself.

A block of tickets for you and a companion to Lincoln Center.

And, uh, to help you get around to all those places,

a pair of super-duper Roller Derby speedsters! Hey!

Oh, such a wonderful family.

Such treasures.

But tell me, who's got time to go to do all these things?

You do.

Because from now on, we want you to start taking things a little easier.

That's right. All your life, you've been working so hard.

Now you deserve some time off.

You mean like retirement?

Did anybody hear me say the word "retire"? We just want you to take it easy.

Right.

You twisted my arm. Thank you.

Thank you for making me so happy.

I always cry at birthday parties.

Amy, you cry when you watch Sesame Street.

Oh...

- Come on! - [Bernie] Let's get some of this cake.

- Hey! - Right on.

Let's get these candles lit so Uncle Moe can blow them out.

I got a better idea.

With all those candles, I'll light them and you blow them out.

Hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing?

Dancing the cha-cha with the broom.

No sweeping.

The place is a mess.

What mess? I've seen operating rooms dirtier than this.

Moe, did you forget what we said last night?

Sophie, after three glasses of champagne, I forgot last night.

Moe, we told you we want you to take it easy. Have fun.

Not work every day of your life.

You got a whole drawer full of tickets to use.

Now go! Go, go. Enjoy.

Moe, my boy, I think they're trying to tell you something.

And what they're trying to tell you, I don't think you wanna hear.

[Moe narrating] Four o'clock. I can't even go home.

They'd think I wasn't having a good time. And you know what? They'd be right.

Evening.

Seven o'clock. Have a busy day, Mr. Playboy?

Only if you count the Statue of Liberty as one of the Bunnies.

I haven't seen Uncle Moe around.

Oh, he's out having a good time somewhere.

Really enjoying himself, huh?

Oh, yeah. I've never seen him happier.

[Moe] A good time?

When a man takes the deluxe tour to the top of the Empire State Building

and wants to jump off, it's time to stop having such a good time

and start working again.

They'll understand.

I'll just explain how a young man of 65 feels

and I'll be back behind the counter again.

Uh, sorry, we're closed.

"We're" closed?

Since when you been closing up?

Since this afternoon when they hired me.

I see. They needed help, huh?

Young-blooded help.

Hey, where you goin'?

I'm not sure, young man. May take me a little while to find out.

Sam. Hurry. Come out here!

What's the emergency? I almost cut my ear off.

It's terrible!

Here, let me read it before you drown it.

"My darling sister and her husband.

I know you both meant well, but I am not ready yet to retire from the human race.

For me, 65 is a beginning, not an end.

So I am leaving you this note to let you know I am leaving.

Please give my broom

and best wishes to your new young-blooded helper.

- Moe." - What does it mean?

It means, as some of our friends might say,

that we slipped Uncle Moe a downer.

What does that mean?

Well, I... I guess Uncle Moe wasn't ready to be put out to pasture yet.

Who's putting him out to pasture? We just want him to take it easy.

To Uncle Moe, taking it easy is working eight hours a day

instead of his customary 12.

But this is crazy. He couldn't take it easy at 65?

Dad! Look, I guess you just don't tell a man

he's in the twilight of his life when he thinks it's mid-afternoon.

Afternoon, twilight. For me it's midnight and I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Ma, sit down, relax, will you?

I'm sure he'll be fine, Mother Steinberg.

Yeah, he's a grown man. He can take care of himself.

In New York? Ten thousand missing every year.

People come from all over just to get missing.

Ma, you wanted him to have a good time. Maybe he's gone out to have one.

I don't know, how can you worry about a guy

who spends his afternoon with the New York Mets

and his evening at Lincoln Center?

You know, Bernie? Maybe you're right.

I always said you should've been a doctor.

A psychiatrist, even.

Ten thousand people missing a year? Come on, where'd you get that figure?

My mother, the almanac. But, uh, suppose it's true?

It... it looks like Uncle Moe has run away from home.

Honey, "run away from home" seems hardly the phrase befitting a man his age.

Well, I happen to agree, but, uh, you seem pretty casual about something that...

Look, Michael, it might be serious.

Unless he's being casual because he knows it isn't serious.

Aha.

However, if, uh, Uncle Moe had been here,

of course Michael would've been sworn to a vow of secrecy,

uh, wouldn't you, Mike?

Uncle Moe wasn't here, was he, Michael?

- I'm sorry. I can't answer that. - He was here.

Now, if Uncle Moe was here,

he didn't say anything about looking for a job, did he?

Bridget!

He's looking for a job.

Have you ever thought of going to work for the CIA?

But where's he staying? That's gonna be a tough one.

Well, not for you, apparently. You're batting 1,000.

Well, he could be staying at a hotel.

Yeah. You're... you're now batting 500.

Moe wouldn't stay at a hotel. He'd stay someplace, you know, like the Y.

With the YMCA!

You are now batting 250 and dropping fast.

The YMHA.

The YMHA.

Oh, Michael, thanks for your help.

It was nothing. At least, it was supposed to be nothing.

[Amy] Walt?

Oh, Walt, something terrible has happened.

I know. I just missed the putt.

Oh, no, no. I... I didn't mean that. I meant...

Well, it's something much more serious. Walt, it's Moe.

Now, he has quit the delicatessen and left the Steinbergs.

Well, frankly, Amy, I'm not surprised. Bernie's people are born wanderers.

And Moe just finally got his ticket to wander.

Yes, but he wandered only as far as the YMHA.

I... I think he just wants to feel wanted.

Well, I tell you what we'll do, Amy.

Why don't we send him a "feel wanted" card?

But, Walt, can't you do something?

I mean, like, well, can't... can't you get him a job or something?

No. I don't know how, Amy.

I deal in conglomerates, not knishes.

Walt, he's family.

All right, darling. I'll give it some thought.

Oh, darn it. I'm late!

I've got to have lunch at the club.

I've got a massage at 2:00, and I gotta have my haircut and manicure

before my 4:00 squash game.

Oh, dear. Well, look, I'll try to think of something.

You've got such a busy day.

So my son the psychiatrist turns out to be my son, the detective.

Yeah, well, as long as it doesn't turn out to be your son, the stool pigeon.

Oh, hello. Will you connect me with Mr. Moe Plotnick's room, please?

Don't worry. Leave it to your father, the diplomat.

I'll handle it just right.

Yes? What?

Oh, thank you.

He checked out.

Well? What do we do now, Mr. Hawaii Five-O?

Charles, don't you worry.

I just know that your father's gonna have a speedy recovery.

Thank you, madam. I do hate leaving you short-handed.

No, that's perfectly all right. We'll just get along fine.

I have an idea in mind.

Very well. Thank you, madam.

Goodbye, Charles.

Hello?

Oh, Walt, I'm so glad you called.

I've been thinking about Moe and I had some of my people check into it.

Uh, there just aren't any suitable openings.

Apparently he's too old to be a messenger boy

and he's too young to be chairman of the board.

Well, look, Walt, I have an idea.

Oh, fine, darling. Anything you wanna do is fine with me.

- I'll see you later. - Oh, thank you, dear.

He says it's fine with him.

In that case, I am at your disposal, madam.

Please come in, sir.

- Fitzgerald residence? - Certainly, sir.

- Would you please tell Mrs. Fitzgerald--? - May I take your coat, please?

What?

- Your coat. - Oh, all right.

Now, whom shall I say is calling?

The laundryman.

Oh, Charles, I'm sorry. I forgot that key again.

I don't know what's happening with my memory these days.

- Hello, darling. - Hello, dear.

Charles?

I'm Amy.

I know who you are. It's who he is.

He's Moe.

I know who he is. I wanna know why he is.

Good evening, Mr. Fitzgerald.

"Mr. Fi--" What's going on, Amy?

Where is Charles?

It was an emergency. He's at his father's bedside.

Well, if he doesn't get back here, I'm going to have someone at mine.

Now, look, it's perfectly fine for Moe to stay as a guest.

Oh, but, Walt, he's much too proud to stay as a guest.

Oh, Walt, please, it's only for a little while.

Just till he gets settled. Please?

- Amy, there's no... - Oh, Walt!

Why is it every time... I mean, you always say the same--

- All right, Amy. - Oh, thank you, dear.

Surprised, huh, Walt?

"Flabbergasted" is a little more like it.

If I have ever needed an excuse to have a martini, that is it.

Join me, Moe?

I never drink while I'm on duty, Mr. Fitzgerald.

Well, you're off duty now, so how about it?

Mmm, thanks, Walt, but I never drink off duty either.

Oh, neither did Charles.

Honestly, all you butlers are alike.

Well, all we employers aren't.

Excuse me, Mr. Fitzgerald, but as your butler,

I think I should be doing that.

All right.

I would like a very dry martini.

One dry martini coming up.

One gin, one vermouth.

Moe, just a breath of vermouth!

Mr. Fitzgerald, you breathe the way you wanna,

I'll breathe the way I wanna.

Moe, what are you doing?

Walt, a little protein never hurt nobody.

Am I glad we're closed. Huh!

It was some rough day. Even the tongue sandwiches were panting.

If you don't mind, Sam, I'm even too tired to laugh.

Well, what happened to the boy you hired in Uncle Moe's place?

The boy we hired in Uncle Moe's place

is the same boy we fired in Uncle Moe's place.

Instead of a 65-year-old man who works like a 20-year-old kid,

they wind up with a 20-year-old kid who works like a 65-year-old man.

Is there any rule that says you can't rehire a 65-year-old uncle?

For some very good reasons, sweetheart.

We want him to relax. Take it easy. Have some time off.

- Ma... - [Sam] And besides,

we don't know how to get a hold of him.

We're dining with the Armbrusters, Moe.

Yes, we'll be out all evening.

Ah, since it looks like rain, that'll mean the raincoat,

a muffler, and a pair of rubbers.

We're taking the car, Moe. I hardly think Amy will need all that.

Those are for you.

For Amy, I'll get the fur coat, the fuzzy hat,

the pair of galoshes, and an umbrella, just in case.

Amy, we haven't lost a butler. We've gained a Jewish mother.

Oh, Walt, have you ever seen such a breakfast?

You got your choice. Lox, whitefish, herring...

This place is starting to look like Marineland.

Just a cup of coffee, Moe.

Now, Walt, that's no way for a young, healthy executive to start the day.

Breakfast is the foundation.

I'm not interested in building a house, Moe.

Okay, okay. You don't wanna eat, don't.

Thanks, Moe.

At least you could try the cheese blintzes.

I'll get you a touch of sour cream.

[Walter] if I had anything, Amy,

I would have Hilda scramble me a couple of eggs.

Oh, I wish I'd known that before I let her go on her vacation.

Vacation? Now?

Well, it's only for while Moe is here. It was her idea.

Figures.

Uncle Moe has been at your house?

- Living and working? - And driving me crazy.

Well, your folks will be pleased to know he's okay.

Oh, he might be okay, but I'm going downhill fast.

And you can't tell Sophie and Sam

because Moe made us promise that we wouldn't say anything.

It, uh, sounds to me like Uncle Moe's not quite working out, huh?

Let me put this as diplomatically as possible.

Bernie, your people make great brain surgeons but lousy butlers.

Well, listen, if he's not working out, why don't you just fire him?

Fire Moe?

I mean, how do you tell someone who's a member of your own family

that he's doing terrible work?

- Ooh. - Yeah. How do you tell him?

See, that's why I came over today. I thought that maybe you'd tell him.

- Me? - Daddy.

Well, I don't know. It sounds simple enough to me.

My mother and father are going crazy in the delicatessen without Uncle Moe

and you're going crazy at your house with him.

So the thing to do is to get him back from your house into the delicatessen

- without hurting his feelings, right? - Right.

Right. How do we do it?

I haven't the vaguest idea.

[Walter] I'll get it.

- Oh, hi. - [Bernie] Hi.

- [Walter] Come on in. - [Bridget] Hi, Daddy.

[Sam] Walt. Walt, thank you for asking us over.

Amy asleep?

- No, no. It's sort of a surprise. - Somebody's birthday?

- It's, uh, even better than that, Ma. - What's better than birthdays?

At my age, not having a birthday.

[Sam] Amy!

- How are you, dear? - Oh, I'm so glad you could come, Sophie.

- Hello, Sam. - Well, how about a drink?

- Don't mind if I do, Walt. - Is that a new dress, Mother?

Oh, I hope so. I just bought it today.

- It's so pretty. - Thank you.

[Sophie] Did someone make it for you?

[Amy] Oh, no, no, no. I... I went to Bonwit's and bought it.

It's, uh, they... they... Oh...

Would you care for a drink, madam?

Moe! Is that you?

It's not Ruggles of Red Gap.

Look, uh, why don't we sit down?

- Yeah. - Oh, yes. Come on and sit down.

Where have you been? I was so worried.

There was nothing to worry about.

What are you doing in a monkey suit? You look like you fell off a wedding cake.

I think you look very handsome.

- [Amy] Thank you. - Thank you.

Would somebody please tell me what Moe's doing in that uniform?

Well, it looks to me like he's working. Here.

You're a butler?

No, you're a butler. Of course I'm a butler!

You've been here all this time and you didn't call us and let us know?

Frankly, I didn't think you cared.

I haven't slept a wink since you left.

You know you could've been mugged? Run over by a horse?

A piano could've fallen on you!

Fine vacation you had planned for me.

Sam... you look tired.

Tired? Me? Never. I'm in the pink.

That's your high blood pressure.

Dad, uh, you know, you really do look a bit tired.

Yeah. Worn out.

Oh, what's to be tired? A hard day's work never hurt anybody.

[Moe] So, uh, how's your new helper working out?

- Well, he's been-- - We fired him.

It turned out the only thing he knew how to cut was a deck of cards.

Yeah. You know, there's nothing better than experienced help.

Sophie and I don't need help.

When did you decide to become a butler?

When a very kind lady cared enough about a man

who was thrown out in the street in the prime of his life,

cared enough to help him out.

- Oh, wasn't that nice of her? - It certainly was, Mother.

I'm so grateful,

I may be Walt's butler for the rest of my life.

Uh, just, uh... Wait a minute now. I mean, don't be hasty, Moe.

If Sophie and Sam want you to come back, I won't stand in your way.

Uncle Moe, really, uh, you ought to think about it.

I didn't hear any "come back."

I didn't hear anybody say he wanted to come back.

Pardon me, Amy. I appreciate this, all of this.

I think we're gonna go home.

- But, Sam-- - Home, Sophie.

- Good night. - Dad. Dad. Why don't you...?

- [Sophie] Thank you for a lovely evening. - [Bernie] Wait one minute.

Well, I'll tell you,

it certainly wasn't the prodigal uncle returned to the fold.

I think our little plan was a disaster.

Bernie, it wasn't a disaster. It was a catastrophe!

Moe!

I'm glad to see your eyesight is still good,

- along with your stubbornness. - What are you doing here?

Somebody had to get the breakfast orders started.

What made you come back?

When I heard you say you didn't need any help, I knew you needed me.

And I knew you would be back

when you said, "I might be Walt's butler for the rest of my life."

You were that sure?

So sure that I got up at six o'clock and unlocked the front door.

Sam, I'm glad to be back.

I'm glad you're back.

Hey!

What, are you gonna go to work, or we gonna hug each other all day?

I couldn't take this all day.

You're standing on my foot!

- We're closed. - "Closed."

Oh, sorry. Reflex action.

- It's about the only reflex I got left. - Oh, it was a tough day, huh, Uncle Moe?

Oh, you said it.

I don't know who your mother and father are catering for over there

at the Friedman bar mitzvah.

I think everyone in the neighborhood was in here.

Well, it looks like Papa Steinberg took you out of retirement

just in time to put you in the hospital.

Mmm, boy, if there was only some way I could ask for a day off

without him stretching it into a lifetime.

You know something, Uncle Moe? There's always this.