Original subtitles

[Amy] Here you are, dear.

Oh, thanks, darling. I need this tonight.

Oh, Walt, you say that every night.

Did you have a rough day, Daddy?

Honey, every day's a rough day at the top.

The constant tension and pressure.

Oh, Walt, you shouldn't take your golf so seriously.

Amy, it wasn't just the golf.

I know that, dear.

But you shouldn't take your squash so seriously, either.

Hi, everyone. I'm... I'm really sorry I'm late.

Hello, sweetheart. Bernie.

Would you like a little pick-me-up?

No, thank you. I think this is quite enough pick-me-up for me.

How about one for the road?

All right.

How did it go today?

Uh, how did it go?

Well, there was more stopping than going,

but, um... but wait till I tell you who I had in the cab today.

Someone who tipped?

Very funny.

No, Bridget knows him.

As a matter of fact, I, uh, I think you may know him, too.

Oh, Bernie, I'm so bad at names. What did he look like?

Well, he was tall, blonde, blue-eyed...

Bernie, almost everyone we know is blonde-haired and blue-eyed.

Well, who was it?

- Charles St. Dennis. - Oh.

Yeah, he, uh, told me he was just in town for a couple of days.

You know, we got to talking, and he told me

he was an old friend of yours, you'd been to school together,

- and he hasn't seen you in a long time. - Well.

Imagine, eight million people in New York City

and who turns up in the cab.

It's fantastic.

Fantastic isn't exactly the word I'd use.

Walt, isn't that fantastic?

I mean, out of eight million people in the City of New York,

Bernie picks up the one boy that Bridget used to be engaged to.

Amy.

Engaged to...

Well, she was, Walt.

[Amy] Oh.

Oh, well, uh... Oh, well, not really, Bernie.

I mean, uh, well, it hadn't even been announced

in The New York Times.

Oh, well, uh, I feel much better already.

Bridget, why didn't you ever--

Bernie, because there wasn't anything to tell.

Oh, of course not, Bernie.

Why, Bridget even gave him back the ring.

- Mother. - But you did, Bridget.

Don't you remember? It took you a whole bar of soap to get it off.

Bridget...

what's all this about?

Well, Bernie, I was engaged to Chuck.

Ooh, Chuck?

That was before I met you.

Mm-hmm.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, that's all in the past.

- I've... I've forgotten all about him. - Oh, really?

Well, you know, I think you'd better start remembering.

Why?

Because I invited him to dinner tomorrow night.

[Bridget] Everything's happened so fast between you and me

that Chuck just didn't seem that important.

Not important?

Bridget, you were engaged to the guy.

That was a long time ago.

Oh, let's see.

How long have we been married? What is it, six months?

Gee, that makes you and Chuck

almost seven months ago.

Chuck and I were just two ships that passed in the night.

Uh-huh? And he just happened to drop a ten-carat anchor on your finger.

Hey.

I broke off the engagement the day I... I fell in love with you,

which happened to be the day I met you.

I would have mentioned it,

but I... I just couldn't find the right moment.

And the longer it took to find it, the... the less important it became.

What can I say? You married an old-fashioned guy.

I, uh...

I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Don't be jealous.

I'm not jealous.

I just thought, well, you know,

that you could have been a little more honest about it, that's all.

Well, it wasn't as if I was trying to hide it from you.

- I mean, I did mention him to you once. - When?

Well, don't you remember?

I... I told you about Bunny and Phil Mellon's birthday party.

- Yeah... - And the guy who fell in the pool.

- Yeah. - That was Chuck.

Oh. Terrific.

Bridget, that's hardly a formal introduction.

You're upset again.

I'm not upset.

Well, are you coming to bed?

I'll, uh, be in in a minute. I want to finish this.

Are you sure you're not upset?

I'm sure.

Okay.

I'm not upset.

[Otis] Bernie, you're making too big a deal out of this.

[Bernie] Otis, it's not the most pleasant thing in the world

to suddenly discover your wife has been engaged on the side.

Hey, Bernie, I know some cats that are married

and their old ladies are engaged on the side.

I tell you now, that's a shock.

- I even invited the guy to dinner. - Yeah, so?

- I don't know. I'll just... - Bernie...

I'll never understand why she didn't even say anything.

Man, if you two get psyched-out every time you two have a fight,

you're gonna end up having your marriage recalled by Ralph Nader.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying, but...

Well, look, man, now, look. You two got a great marriage,

you two belong together,

- and you know that. - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if ever I knew anything.

All right. So when you get done pushing

this cab around today, go buy her some flowers,

take her in your arms and tell her you love her.

How come you know so much about marriage?

Man, I have to know all about marriage.

That's how I stay a bachelor.

Walt, I was thinking...

Pace yourself, Amy.

You've got a whole day in front of you.

Do you remember last night when you mentioned that

Bridget was once engaged to Chuck St. Dennis.

I didn't mention Chuck, you did.

Oh.

Well, I knew somebody did.

Anyway...

I thought that somebody ought to call and apologize.

Amy, I think somebody ought to keep her mouth shut.

If the kids have a little problem, they'll solve it.

You don't think that if I call Bernie it would help?

Amy, they are mature, young people.

They are perfectly capable of handling this thing themselves.

Well, you know, Walt, all I was gonna suggest is that...

Well, if they could have a nice, quiet, romantic dinner without Chuck--

Amy, Amy, this is my last word on the subject.

We are going to butt out.

We are not going to get involved.

We are leaving the children alone.

So, I'll see you later.

Oh, goodbye, dear.

Now remember what I said.

Oh, I know, dear, don't call Bernie.

I won't.

I'll call Bridget.

It's a gorgeous setting, Bridget.

It couldn't be more romantic.

You really think so, Mother Steinberg?

The only thing that's missing is the violins.

But tell me, dear, do you do this every night?

Only on special occasions.

You had a fight?

It's nothing.

Oh, when a young wife says it's nothing, it's something.

Now, I don't mean to butt in, but since you're family, I'll butt in.

- What's the problem? - There's no problem.

Bridget, if there's no problem, there's no marriage.

Believe me, I know.

I have experience. 30-odd years of marriage.

Some of them very odd.

Well, last night Bernie and I did have a little discussion.

That serious, huh?

He bumped into an old boyfriend of mine.

So?

That I forgot to mention to him.

Oh, did Bernie think a pretty girl like you

never went out with boys?

Well, I also forgot to mention that I was once engaged to him.

Oh, now that's a mention.

I feel terrible, Mother Steinberg.

Bernie feels that I wasn't honest with him.

I didn't tell him all about my past.

Oh, he should talk. What about his past?

Remember Rita Lazarus?

Like, look what happened there.

Rita Lazarus?

Yes, look at all the trouble that caused.

Didn't he tell you?

No, he didn't.

Oh, well, it was nothing.

What about Rita Lazarus?

Oh, nothing.

It's... it's just that she was a... a little upset when Bernie married you.

How upset?

Well, frankly, she was so crazy about Bernie

that five days after his wedding,

she was still hanging around the deli crying in the noodle soup.

That's terrible.

Oh, you're telling me.

She ruined five pots of soup.

Hey. Mm-hmm.

- I'm glad you like it. - Oh, I like it.

The, uh, room's not bad, either, Mrs. Steinberg.

What's the occasion?

Well, you know, it's like the man said,

"A husband about to apologize for being foolish

should always come armed with flowers."

What man said that?

The man who sold me the flowers.

Sweetheart, I apologize.

I mean...

It was really dumb of me last night to get so upset

about Chuck St. Dennis.

I mean, dumb.

Really dumb.

And...

And, what can I say, I'm sorry.

- I mean I was... - Dumb?

Yeah, dumb.

- Hey, you look terrific. - Thank you.

You know something? if we keep this up, we can just forget about dinner.

Oh, that's the best offer I've had all day.

I should hope so.

But, uh, later.

'Cause if I don't get a move on,

I'm not gonna have time for a shower before Chuck gets here.

Oh, well, Chuck's not coming.

What?

I, uh, I said Chuck's not coming.

I called and left a message at his hotel and canceled.

Why?

Well, I... I just didn't think that, uh,

that... that... that you and I and...

should... you know...

Bridget, you're either doing a terrific Marlon Brando imitation

or you're trying to hide something between you and Chuck St. Dennis.

I just don't want to have dinner with him, that's all.

Hey, now what's all this about?

- Look, I... - Come on now, honestly.

- Bernie... - Bridget, honestly.

Don't you talk to me about honesty.

What's that supposed to mean?

Rita Lazarus.

That's what it's supposed to mean.

Oh, dear. My...

Sweetheart, she was just a girl...

Well, I figured that out from her name.

How come you never told me about her?

Well, I didn't really think there was anything to tell.

I mean, she was...

you know, a friend.

Yeah, when someone spends five days crying their eyes out,

I'd call them more than just a friend.

Babe, you're being silly.

If I'm being silly, what were you last night

- when you found out about Chuck? - Dumb?

It's not funny, Bernie, and it's not honest.

Oh, come on, now. What's honesty got to do with this?

It's a completely different thing.

Babe, come on, now. You're acting like a little kid.

- There's no... - Little kid, huh?

Wrong, Bernie. You said the wrong thing.

Hey, where are you going?

What about dinner?

Have it with, uh, Rita Lazarus!

Dumb, Bernie. Really dumb.

I'm sorry, Bernie. Bridget hasn't been here.

I didn't even know she was missing.

Yeah, well, they haven't exactly put out an APB on her.

I wouldn't worry about it, Bernie.

This sounds like just a little argument.

Oh, well, Bernie, if that's all it is...

Well, all married people have little tiffs.

Well, when we have one, Walt moves out to his club.

Amy.

If you do hear from her, you let me know, all right?

[Amy] Oh, we will, Bernie.

And when she calls, Walt and I will have a nice long talk with her.

No, no, Amy. No long talks.

Bernie and Bridget are mature, young adults

and we're not going to interfere.

Thank you, Mr. Fitzgerald.

Look, I'm sure everything will be okay once I find her.

I'd better get going. Good night.

- Good night, Bernie. - Good night, Bernie.

Oh, Walt, you're... you're so right about not interfering.

Hold the thought, Amy.

Oh, I just wish I had your insight, Walt.

Oh, hello, Sam. Walt here.

It's an emergency.

The kids have had a battle.

I think you'd better come over at once.

They're much too immature to handle it themselves.

All right, I... I wasn't honest about Chuck,

but... but what do you call Rita and Bernie?

Ancient history.

[Bridget] I know.

Honey, what's done is done.

I mean, if couples worried about each other's pasts all the time,

I don't think anybody would get married.

And who needs that?

I mean, that would cut my business right in half.

I guess so.

Bridget, I think the reason Bernie didn't tell you

about Rita was because she isn't important to him.

Any more so than Chuck is important to you.

And I think the important thing is that the two of you love each other.

Right?

Right.

Mike, you're too much.

Well, that's me.

I am the "Dear Abby" of the stained-glass-set.

Thank you.

Our Bernie acting so stubborn? Hmm.

He gets that from your side of the family.

My side?

We were professional people.

My father was a Notary Public.

Oh.

Sophie, your father worked in a candy store.

His boss died and left him the seal.

Well, I'm sure that their argument's not all Bernie's fault.

Let's face it, Bridget's no saint.

Saint Bridget Steinberg, it has a nice ring to it.

Well, maybe we did spoil Bridget.

Finishing schools, coming-out parties, summer vacations in Europe.

In our neighborhood, a summer vacation was sleeping outside on the fire escape.

Amy, let's face it.

Bridget's a spoiled, rich kid.

Well, she only has her parents to blame for that, Walt.

Hey, what's this?

A meeting of the UN Security Council?

- I know, the, uh, kids, right? - Right.

Now, we've decided...

Dad, I was afraid you were gonna decide.

Now, that's why I came down here.

Listen, everybody, don't you think that we should let

these two kids work out this problem all by themselves?

I agree with my young friend.

You'll only stir up the waters.

But if you don't stir, the pot burns.

This is no time to be a kosher Julia Child.

Now, you should have enough confidence in Bridget and Bernie to leave them alone.

You know, this boy has a fine head on his collar.

Mike is right.

I mean, Walt and I worked out our argument

about Harold Caldwell, didn't we, Walt?

Of course we did.

Who's Harold Caldwell?

Oh, Walt, I told you all about him.

No, you never mentioned anyone named Harold Caldwell.

Of course I did.

No, you didn't. Never.

Well, he was that very rich boy, remember?

Amy, all the boys you knew were rich.

Harold was wild about me. He wanted to marry me.

Oh, well, what stopped you?

- This is a peace conference. - I can tell by the fighting.

What difference does it make who went out with who?

You don't see Sam getting jealous over Nathan Levy.

Who can get jealous of that pip-squeak?

That was the bell for round two.

Amy, patiently I am waiting.

Who was Harold Levy?

Not Harold Levy, Walt. Harold Caldwell.

You weren't such a bargain, Sam.

Who do you think you were, Cary Grant of the pastramis?

Amy, who was Harold Caldwell?

Nathan Levy was not a pip-squeak.

If he wanted to, he could have been a dentist.

They were the... the Grosse Pointe Caldwells,

don't you remember?

They... they had a winter cottage in the Bahamas.

Oh, Walt, I told you all about him.

Amy, I want to talk to you, alone.

Excuse me, please. I'm gonna have to go and help Walt pack.

I... I... I think he's moving out to his club.

Now, see what you've done?

You with your Harold Caldwell.

No, that's her Harold Caldwell.

Mine was Nathan Caldwell.

Who? Who's Nathan Caldwell?

I mean, Nathan Levy.

I don't have to answer any more of your questions,

Mr. District Attorney.

Sophie, don't you pull that Fifth Amendment on me.

- I want to talk to you. - [Sophie] I don't talk to strangers.

It turned out well.

Absolutely. I need a drink.

They'll worry so much about their problems,

they'll leave Bridget and Bernie alone.

As it should be.

As it certainly should be.

You know, all this is one of the reasons I never got married.

I had another reason.

Oh.

Hello?

Bridget?

Man, either my voice is changing or you've been drinking.

Hi, Otis, I'm sorry. I, uh, I was hoping it was Bridget.

Uh-oh. Sounds like trouble.

Man, you didn't act dumb when you got home, did you?

Well...

Hey, man, I thought you were gonna buy her some flowers.

Take her in your arms.

I bought her flowers, I took her in my arms...

- Yeah? - Then I acted dumb.

Hi.

Hi.

It's late.

Yeah, late.

Some night, huh?

Yeah, some night.

Oh, this is what I want.

Hello, sweetheart.

[Otis] Hey, Bernie. Hey, Bernie, are you there?

Goodbye, Otis.

Let's not ever do that to each other again.

- Dumb. - Me too.

Do you think dumbness is catching?

I don't know, but, uh, do you want to find out?

If it is, then we're going to be the dumbest couple in the world.

But also the happiest.

No more Charles St. Dennis.

No more Rita Lazarus.

[Bridget] And no more William Johnson.

- Who? - William Johnson.

I thought since we were going to be totally honest

with each other, I should tell you about him.

Okay.

Or... or Lewis Robinson, Tom Erskine,

Sam McCormack, Steve Walters...

Hey, hey, uh...

Well, I thought if we were going to be honest,

I... I should mention all the boys I knew.

Yeah.

Sweetheart, uh...

I'm not too sure that honesty is the best policy in this instance.

You knew all those guys, huh?

Yeah.

They were in my first grade class at school.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, Bernie. Your mother?

Who else? Come in.

Chuck?

St. Dennis.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Thank you, noodles.

I feel bad about our parents.

Serves them right for getting involved.

Oh, don't you think that maybe we should give them a call?